lildepressyy

[lildepressyy]

i solved three questions from a chapter that was taught almost a month ago without even referring to the solution i could cry from the relief

#i am never forgetting this wala indas now lmao lag raha hai pure syllabus mein pehla topic hai jo sach mein grasp kiya hai dimag ne😭 #im so grateful to that sir jinhone itni baar samjhaya same cheeze baar baar solve karayi im so grateful to december end me jisne #acchi se padhai kari diligently regularly

[lildepressyy]

when karan asked what sid misses the most about his single life he said 'meeting kiara in secret' god me when :(

#that was so cute pls😭 #i love him i love them so adorable meeting in secret to marriage #when will i find this god #a real secure relationship #:((((((

[lildepressyy]

i can't read one fic without thinking oh you'll love this oh you'll find this so funny so cute so hot would we be like this i want to sext with you again and i just really really miss you

[lildepressyy]

..

[lildepressyy]

i feel stupid and weird and awkward and wrong nothing happened there were no bad consequences but i hate the way i acted that was too vulnerable it shouldn't be like that i shouldn't have said that acted like that

#they pranked us all saying it was his birthday??? at lunch #and i was sooooo sad and hurt i kept saying mujhe bataya kyun nahi #bhai why would he tell you kya lagti hai tu uski 😭😭😭 literally nothing kuch bhi nahi #but i hate the way he's still so nice and cute and soft?? 😭😭 #it felt like having a friend asking him again when we were sitting door door ki mujhe kyun nahi bataya #and when he said aise hi i just stared at him for 2 mins all sad face on verge of crying (wtf??) and was like kyun celebrate karna pasand #nai hai kya in a sad disappointed voice #and he laughed and mouthed it to me just me that aaj nahi hai #i miss having a best friend having secrets giggling about them so much it felt sooo good 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 #i want to hug him so bad for scaring me but it doesn't make sense we are not that close it doesn't matter if i didn't wish him as soon as i #saw him right 😭😭😭😭 #i think i finally understand that post about having a platonic crush on someone very intensely 😭😭😭 #he seems nice and comforting i heard the way he was comforting some friend of his on the phone prolly #cause she failed a group or something and had exams in nov he was so calm and logical and sweetly encouraging #i want to hug him sob in his shoulder and have him tell me it'll be okay crack a lame joke to make me laugh 😭😭😭😭 #which is way too much wtf dude aise nahi karte hai kaun karta hai ye #also i can't i know this sounds like i like him or something romantically but genuinely i don't 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 he's like a child he's onl #19 yrs old #i just want to have someone who pays attention to the little things and genuinely cares about me #but it isn't for you ivy you'll always feel lonely and empty and isolated because that's just who you ARE

[lildepressyy]

UGHHHHHBHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHJHJHHHHHHH I HAYE FUCMEN DGXYF SSVSVEVEVEYUOGRHDGDVECEGEYRTFVYCJFJYFM I YGISJDHDSBSBSVXNZNZX XUGHDSHSHAHAJAKSOSXOFUCKCUFYDUCIXZIAUSHFAKSJSHSHOLEKSNSJABSXBX AHAUSBSHDICYENUXTCUFNRUEHSNXHFISKSMASNSJII HAYEHFIFYOUUUDUSUWUSJAJAB

[lildepressyy]

ive been unbearably sad for so many days now is this normal when will it feel okay again i feel so hopeless and like i hate everyone and everything most of all myself for being so fuckinh sad for no reason and not being able to get my shit together and just fucking study im so sick of being myself pls i don't want to live anymore

[lildepressyy]

olivia wrote 'i feel your compliments like needles on skin' FOR ME for people who have such cripplingly low self worth that every compliment feels like a twisted lie a rehearsed thing you say to anyone but not really mean it

#I HATE THIS #this is the lowest ive ever felt about my physical body god WHY DO I CARE ABOUT IT SO MUCH IT DIDN'T USE TO MATTER TO ME AT ALL😭😭 #ivy you're just like other girls #i mean i never liked the me vs other gifls trope because all girls are so awesome #but so many of them are inseas fuck about their body and that was just the ONE issue i didn't have #and now ye bhi #please haven't i had enough #how can these coexist? the kurti i bought today looked so pretty on me i felt pretty wearing it but then #that shirt i wore all day made me feel like #everybodys a sexy baby and im a monster on the hill #this feels like hiding wearing loose clothing to hide all the fat #WHICH NEVER BOTHERED ME I LIKED BEING COMFY BUT WHY DOES IT FEEL LIKE CHEATING NOW??? 😭😭😭😭

[lildepressyy]

[lildepressyy]

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#dad called at 9.15 am on the verge of tears shouting about how even tho he told me to call him everyday cause he's out i didn't do it #yesterday #and saying shit like is this why i wasted so much money on you raised you for 20 years so that you turn around and forget me #and how he's dead for me and since i don't need to talk to him i should just hang a photo of him instead of a clock on the wall #and like how if im being like this rn what will i be like few years from now #like fucking how can someone be so ignorant obviously i will be like this obviously i will cut off all contact with you #as soon as i live independently #u call me to say shit like this and think ill want to talk to u????? #can't fucking wait to get flithy rich and pay him back like crores of rupees for every rs he spent on me for education food clothes housing #and then he'll do his fucking drama that ladki se paise nahi lete and ye sab maine paise ke liye nahi kiya tha #like haan bhai paise ke liye nahi kiya so why tf do u keep rubbing it in my face????? #and the worst part is that i can feel myself crying bc everytime someone but ofc esp him shouts at me i can't help crying #but i know it is not because whatever he is saying is hurtful but bc im stuck here and i can't even stand up for myself even tho its what #i deserve

[lildepressyy]

growing up is realising that every horrible terrible misogynistic hateful thing your dad said about your mom is actually so fucking true and they're both just the fucking same people fucking immature adults like just fucking do not have kids if you cannot understand that they are their own fucking people and not your puppets ki jo chaha woh kar diya unke saath that they have their own goddamn feelings and emotions god taylor swift was so fucking right when she said i didn't choose this town i dream of fucking getting out like god i cannot fucking wait till the day i never have to see their faces ever ever ever again never have to talk to them again when their fuckinh damage can't even touch me with a 10 feet long stick

[lildepressyy]

Jasmin Lee Cori, The Emotionally Absent Mother: How to Recognize and Heal the Invisible Effects of Childhood Emotional Neglect

[lildepressyy]

more honest version would be

saying this will heal me GIRL FRON WHAT???? WHAT THE FUCK DO U NEED SO MUCH HEALING FROM FUCKING UGH LIKE *TEARING OUT MY HAIR IN FRUSTRATION* GROW TF UP IT'S NOT THE END OF THE WORLD TO BE STUDYING SOMETHING U DON'T WANT TO LITERALLY LIKE MORE THAN HALF OF THE POPULATION DOES IT ACTUALLY PROLLY ONLY 1% PPL GENUINELY LIKE WHAT THEY'RE DOING BUT THEY DO IT AND THEY SEEM TO BE FINE BC IT EARNS MONEY SO WHY.CAN'T.U.FUCKINF.DO.IT.TOO. AND LIKE STOP BEING SO GODDAMN LONELY SAD GIRL OR WHATEVER DON'T U RMBR WHAT SHE SAID HOW LONG WILL THIS BE CUTE ALL THIS CRYING IN MY ROOM!!! GET IT?? NOT CUTE AT ALL NOBODY CARES PPL HAVE LIVES!!! AND ACTUAL PROBLEMS!!!!!!!!!! LIKE FUCKING HELL IT WILL COME WHEN IT COMES AND TBH WOULD U EVEN WANNA BE FRIENDS WITH U RN UGH U LITERALLY SUCK SO FUCKING DEPRESSED PPL CAN SMELL IT CAN SEE IT CAN'T MUSTER THE ENERGY TO JUST BUCKLE UP AND STUDY FOR 3 MONTHS CONSISTENTLY TO PASS ONE EXAM THAT WILL A LIKE A TICKET TO GET YOUR SHITTY LIFE TOGETHER BUT NO!!! WE CAN'T EVEN DO FUCKING THAT RIGHT?????? AMAZING HOW FUCKING HELPFUL...... CAN I JUST... can i just pls stop being alive for some time can my mind stfu for like a month pls i feel sick i want to be myself again this is not me im not this person ugh pls i just wanna be normal and whole again and not feel so fucking lonely and tired and wanting all the time i want to be productive and learn good things that expand my knowledge make me a better smarter more helpful and useful person pls im sick of this just god please

[lildepressyy]

i miss my parents.. This house and me in it and my chest ugh everything feels so empty but like empty isn't thr right word everything feels like devoid of feeling and how can i expect my friends to talk to me anytime when I don't talk to them like so unfair and selfish that is ugh idk idk i feel happy sometimes in waves like when i talked to her in tui or her on the phone but it's so temporary nothing feels permanent like i want someone to sink their claws into me and sit on me and never leave like the area around me feels so empty and oh no im falling into old behaviours again not doing anything bc it feels like too much no no no i can't do this i fucking saw the stark difference between bcom and ca ac rooms organised and educated and non ac inefficient angry ppl i have to pick right i have to do this for myself cause i deserve more than this but no i kinda don't wanna live and just sleep and not wake up sometimes but that's fucking terrible and dramatic and oh ny god i should be grateful that i get to live this life like it could be so much worse my dad is pushing me to have a career so i don't end up being a failire and trapped in an unhappy place and not being able to spend for myself and just enjoy without worrying abt expenses like oh my fucking god it is a privilehe he didn't even say anything when i told him i fucked up and he somehow still trusts me like what the fuck and he said ill miss u and mom didn't say anything and mom said already baat nahi karte

[lildepressyy]

oh. maybe. maybe this it. maybe that’s the problem.