lettersfromloui

[lettersfromloui]

a random diary entry

It is so easy to go back to back habits but so hard to return to the good ones. I remember saying I wanted to write here regularly. I then traveled for a month and just never visited this place again for no reason even though I know writing like this does me so well. At least, I am back now.

Winter and maybe the mars retrograte is punching me in the face. I never realized how much I needed sunlight until now. It is harder to get out of bed, I don't want to do anything and work is piling up. I feel like I am not able to start the new year right. Everything is coming in, all at once. I feel overwhelmed and it is hard to confess these feelings to anyone, even to the closest people in my life. I feel unfair not being able to share the pain I go through, they deserve to know and not to be lied to.

How can I be kinder to myself yet stricter? I realized that whenever I journal or write here, it is rather a reactive process. It is a way to cope when things are getting bad. While having these things to cope is great and I am grateful I can do it, I noticed I need to take care of my mental health regularly, no matter if I feel bad or good. That's the only way to prevent getting a burn out. I need to check in with myself regularly no matter how annoying it is. Whenever I take time for myself I feel like I'm good for the rest of my life. I look at other people in my life and they don't need that much self reflection, they don't need that creative outlet. They just keep working and still can be happy. I had to learn for myself, that I am not like them. I need all of these things, very much, almost always. And that is okay. Taking time for myself out of the day, actively, despite having million things to do, to just sit down, breathe, read, draw, write, whatever. I feel better that way, I work better that way and there is no shame about it, no guilt to feel. It is okay to take hours in your day to feel happiness, to feel like nothing matters but your mental health, to feel like you have nothing to do ever. It is a big step to take in this busy life that everyone is living, but it is necessary. In the end, to me, it is about happiness and those little moments of utmost peace.

[lettersfromloui]

blurry goals, no drive at all, i feel okay

The goals that I think I have don't make me feel something and they don't give me motivation and drive. I do have some things I want to experience in the world, do feel a vague sense of reason why I am here but at the same time, currently, there is nothing that makes me get up and take action. I think a huge part comes from the endless comparing and competition; when I look at people doing a similar thing and they're able to monetize from of it or/and are successful, it honestly doesn't inspire me. I am happy for them but for some reason it takes away my own joy and motivation of wanting to do something similar. It is the subconscious feeling of pressure, needing to be successful too, monetizing from it too.

For a long time, I thought that is what I wanted as well. When I tell people I draw, they tell me to post it on social media, my sister told me multiple times to open a business for it. It's obviously not out of bad intentions at all as they see my work as worth sharing but every time I would start drawing I would think, is it Instagram worthy? Could I really make money out of it? Everything I did that didn't apply to these points would seem like a waste of time to me and I didn't even have an account or a business. Still, I thought about opening up a social media account multiple times, not because I would enjoy making content, but because everyone else was doing it. The question "what do I truly enjoy" would send me into an existential crisis because I simply wasn't able to enjoy activities, in the way that I could just do things out of sheer joy without thinking of a bigger purpose it would serve or doing it because everyone else was. Which then lead me to inactivity and absolutely feeling no drive. I wasn't able to draw without thinking how good I wanted to get. I wasn't able to post without thinking of how many people it would reach. Too many times I run into the question "what am I doing this for?"

So without thinking of the past and future, without thinking of external factors and the bigger picture, I just want to appreciate the moment. Appreciate the time I can take for myself where I can do things purely out of my own enjoyment. No matter how small these activities might be or trivial they seem. I think that would even make me feel okay about not feeling a drive or a purpose right now. When I am unsure and my goals are so blurry, then is all that's left finding happiness in the present moment? If I am able to purely enjoy things in my life, for the first in a long time, where would it lead me?

#thoughts #diary #goals #future #when will the self help finally help the self #mindfulness

[lettersfromloui]

I want to learn to live some parts of my day. To just live. Without spending too many thoughts, without wanting to master something, without thinking about the end or the process or anything surrounding it. I want to live. Like the plants that come to this earth, like animals, like wind, like water serving a larger purpose, but just in the moment, they sway, they are in stillness, they move, they create, they flow. They just live.

#quote #quoteoftheday

[lettersfromloui]

let the sunlight chase you through the leaves of the trees

#quote #quoteoftheday

[lettersfromloui]

i have seen it all but you, you're so you

I am currently writing on a fantasy story and I keep coming back to the thought "Why do I even try to do this? This story probably exists already somewhere." When it comes to fashion, I feel the same. Picking outfits and asking myself "Why do I even try? I will look like everyone else anyways." And I have these thoughts when writing entries like this or when it comes to sharing my art. "It already exists and it is probably even better than what I have to offer." It kept me away from trying and sharing so many things and, though I don't like having regrets, it makes me feel like I lost so much time and potential. Trying to be perfect in things is essentially just a struggle of doubting your own worth and skills. People would think you're modest or humble bragging; "You're so good at this, why don't you see it?" And I would think "I am not good enough, at least not for me." I know that I had more to offer, but then I would be too scared to pursue it because I kept comparing myself. In that never ending cycle, I, at one point, would think I had nothing to offer. Why am I not as good as others at whatever I do?

The reason why I thought of everyone else's work so highly but not mine is because I viewed the people highly but not me. It wasn't "my missing passion, talent or discipline" as I thought the whole time. It also wasn't that everyone else's work is so incredibly and objectively perfect. I simply didn't treat myself how I treat others and that was very unfair of me to me. Have you ever looked at someone's outfit and it was just everything you've seen before but you realize how good the person is feeling in it? And that makes you feel happy. Or someone posting their art and they just love what they're doing even if "they weren't as skilled or original" as others? And you still love it? Love it as much as reading essentially the same plots over and over just from different authors?

Almost everything existed already at this point - outfits, story plots, characters, the things we want to portray in our works, the topics we want to write about. Trying so hard to be outstanding when it comes to the content we create. Try to be new, find a niche, do what's never done before. I am not trying to say that this is not possible and we shouldn't strive for anything "new" because we should. In the context of trying to be unique it is just, whatever you want to do, it is already unique because it is you who does it. No one can express and create the way you do. No one because no one is you. Write that story that has been told a thousand times before. Write a poem about the fking moon. Write the song with the most used chord progression. Go draw your realistic pencil portrait. After all, everything you express and create is so incredibly unique and therefore valuable. If we value ourselves, we can create freely. There will be simply no room for doubt or comparison, if we fully believe in our worth, quality and uniqueness in creation. It is like that, really! The reason to believe is so simple and always present, too: you, who no one can replace. You and your work are so special, forever good enough and incomparable because of you, because you are. No one can do it like you, that is a simple fact, go argue with the wall if you don't agree!

Ps. If I end posts on a believe in yourself note one more time aghhh

#diary #i am indeed writing a story with all cliche tropes #its fun #also me: still too scared to open an instagram art acc #no no i will do what i preach i promiseee #maybe i should do it right now #thoughts #perfectionism #self help #writing #self worth #realization #the human experience #existing

[lettersfromloui]

all or nothing or just stop thinking

Picked a writing prompt today which was about books and reading. I wouldn't really know what exactly to write about this topic but then I remembered one way of thinking I used to have about books. "What if I read them all?" Of course, I know that it wouldn't be really possible (would it?) but it was still a motivating thought that made me pick up every book that was in front of me whether I was interested in it or not. To be honest, though I am now saying the "either I am reading all or nothing" drive isn't really what is suitable for my own life, this method still helped me discover new book genres, writing styles, etc. that I could take interest in. Being more open to different topics rather than reading the same story from different authors feels like rewiring my brain in some sort of way. Nevertheless, I think I can still keep that openness while not having the "all or nothing" mindset.

From and to overthinking perfectionist (soon not anymore, we're working on it, okay),

Trying to get rid of it, I realized, there has to be some effort to be put in (oh, please no). It is not that I just lived that way when it came to books but truly all areas of life - sports, drawing, writing, academic life - basically when it comes to skills and the daily life. I used to never curate any skills because I simply wasn't forced to as a child (as a child I surprisingly didn't have my own motivation to become excellent at something), I also didn't have that one interest in my life as I could be fascinated by anything and I rather got praised for my intelligence than for my effort. As for latter, I often see this discourse about how the "gifted kids" are now just people that never learned to be good at something because they simply never had to. And it is true, I never had to put a huge amount of effort into school or any skill that was needed. I always was able to pick up quickly but as an adult the standards became higher and whatever skill it was I just dropped it because I wasn't perfect and didn't fit into that standard with no effort anymore. Always felt like I was lacking discipline and drive when I looked around me. When life just easily flows by you for most part, there was no need for real effort. I know, sounds like an awful life (joke, I know I am privileged for that even to be my struggle which probably annoys me more that I turned out to become that. At the same time, trying to not to blame but just accept as it is and working on the now).

As for everyone, humans can sometimes have very limiting thoughts, beliefs and rules they set for no reason. For me, one was (or to this day sometimes still is) definitely the "all or nothing" mindset. It doesn't only keep you from continuing doing something, often times you don't even start. The fear of not being perfect from the very beginning, wasting time and then overthinking it before even starting. Such useless thoughts for what, right? And yet... What to tell an overthinking perfectionist? "Just start. Just do it." Oh, the taste of frustration that comes with these sentences because I know I have been overthinking those sentences over and over, too. At one point, I realized there really is no way around it.

"Just stop thinking" would maybe been a more fitting for me, personally. When I remind myself to just stop thinking, to go with my intuition, my gut, I am able to start (without overthinking every step, yay). So in the end, all it takes for me to just start, is to trust myself enough to know that I am making the "right" choices anyway and that there is no point to think them over and over. The effort and progress will come automatically, no need to think about it either. It also is important to completely get rid of the idea of perfection and the fear of making mistakes. Don't even think about it. Don't let it cross your mind for a single second, just do it (what in the Nike ads...) and when they do cross your mind, let them go. They don't serve you. It is not that one will become a non thinking human who makes no thought through decisions but letting go of the overthinking that does not serve you and only limits you. You are a highly intuitive person, knowing from the gut, from your heart what really is to do. Trust yourself (so corny), believe that you are this person because well, you are.

#diary #realization #thoughts #overthinking #overthinking the overthinking #perfectionism #writing #self help

[lettersfromloui]

desires, connecting

It is so insanely okay to not want the things others desire - not having a specific goal that hustle or productivity culture preaches about, not wanting to build a business, not wanting to be a CEO, not feeling the need to become a millionaire, not aspiring to have an impressive job in the eyes of society.

I always felt so lost looking around and hearing people talk about it. I am happy for everyone having goals like this. If building a business is what you desire from your heart and brings you happiness, I am happy for you. But then there was me, feeling wrong because I do not desire the same things. Feeling passionless. Waking up every day and asking myself "What do I want in life?" Every time I tried to answer this question, my answers would be so broad. It wasn't a specific goal and that made me insecure. I would always circle back to things like

living with curiosity

expanding my consciousness, horizon

experience what nature, the universe(s), the human experience has to offer

live out the romanticized life I dreamed of as a kid

I would make myself feel bad because those did not feel graspable at all (also in comparison to what other peoples' goals seemed to be). Now I realize there was no reason to feel so ever. The only reason why I felt like this (in comparison) is because I did not make my desires graspable yet. I just need to figure out on how I want to experience life. Take action. And along the way be kind to myself.

How can I make the 3D influence these amazing desires? I also realize that the other peoples' desires I listed at the very beginning might just be part of a bigger wish. I am wondering, "what do they want in life?" Is the wish of wanting to become a business owner, etc. their wish or is it a side effect of a much bigger purpose?

In times of social media where you only see such little parts of a person's life and the idea of productivity & hustling sometimes is everything you see, it is easy to feel not very connected at all. But I do want to feel connected. I think the connections of souls, human beings, is one of the greatest gifts. So in order for me to feel connected, maybe it had to start with me opening up and talking about my desires. It starts with me, you, everyone. I guess, now I feel like asking everyone, what their biggest biggest desire in life is. What is it? I genuinely want to know.

#conclusions while just writing #thoughts #realization #desires #purpose #mind #meaning #diary #the human experience #connecting #feeling lost #disconnected #finding #feelings #spirituality #self help #passion

[lettersfromloui]

promise to myself

I have thousand things I want to do in my head. Things like working on my career and ideas like drawing, writing, filming, creating. I have been carrying them all in my head for years.

A good thing about being an university student, where I live at least and with the subject I have, is that I have an immense amount of time in my hand. I have finished almost all of my classes and now I am here "waiting a little bit longer until I really want to graduate because I don't feel ready yet". And that is totally fine. But, I keep waiting and waiting and with having that much time, no structure at all in my daily life and no fixed deadline (that I can procrastinate towards to) I am not doing anything at all. It is hard to push yourself when you wake up and feel like you "have the entire day" - and then, all of a sudden the entire day is gone and you wake up and repeat the cycle.

All my life, I have been working towards school assignments. That is almost all my parents ever cared about in my childhood, so it became the thing I only cared about, too. With all the assignments being completed and the current non-existent motivation to work on my bachelors degree, I have to rearrange everything I have ever known. I am in an absolute privileged situation and whilst I have always been thinking I was living with gratitude, I realize that I actually have not been showing gratitude by using the amount of free time I have.

So I want to change that and at the same time fulfill the quest of "finding my passion" because truly, there is not much (nothing sounds too depressing) that I feel so passionate about that I would do it every day. I am setting one challenge at a time; with the first challenge being that I post here frequently. Whatever it is - photos, drawings, poems, stories or just journal entries and thoughts. I just want to start doing something so I decide to start the habit of filling this blog. And really make it a habit. To stick to it, to do it frequently. I give myself freedom to post whatever I want on here to make it an easy start for me.

Future self, please just do this one thing. One promise.