jessatthefront

[jessatthefront]

a little piece i forgot about

SUBJECT: New Beginnings

It’s been a while since we last spoke. Well about 84 days and 19 hours to be exact. 

I would say how have you been but we’ve known each other too long for those kind of pleasantries and small talk that equates to nothing. 

I don’t like how we left things but that’s beside the point that’s not what I wanted to talk about. I just wanted to speak to you. You were always a great listener. Or you always pretended to be. 

I moved out of mother’s house (finally)! She was glad to see me go, I think. I moved in with Stacey - the one from the easter party who had the egg booty shorts that had “p-egg me” on the bum. She’s been really supportive throughout this whole thing to tell the truth. Her arms are always open, and her liquor is always full. Not that I touch that stuff anymore. 

She managed to set me up with a job, it’s just as a receptionist but I get to talk to different people all day and get all the office gossip. You would love it. The manager has three kids with three different men all from different departments but none of them know because she keeps on telling her husband that they’re his! The money isn’t great, but I haven’t got too many expenses nowadays, so it evens out. 

I still think about you every day. I can feel your hair on my cheek. I walked into Lush the other day and I could find the exact soap you used just from scent. Apparently olfactory senses are one of the best memories. Or something like that I wasn’t really listening truth be told but it sounds right. You always had such a great sense of taste. In everything really, shows, clothes, everything. I miss that. You telling me how shit my dress looked without just one tiny change. You never even seemed to do anything but your presence could just change things. 

I put some new flowers with you today. I thought peonies would be appropriate because god forbid you ever had “boring basic roses”. They’re pink. That was your colour, that was you. I never thought of it before but now every time I see it, I think of you. I could live in that colour.

I’ll visit sometime next week I think, give everything a good tidying. 

Lots of love,

Your dearest friend  

#poetry #writing #creative writing #love poetry #loss

[jessatthefront]

A Life in Colour

I’ve always been the advocate. The mum friend. Call it what you will but that’s been me. If you need something done, I can sort it. Almost like a really shit fixer in a prison. Like that man in ‘Shawshank Redemption’, I can’t remember his name now but the one who could source things for you. I suppose the technicalities of that don’t matter now, you get what I mean. But I was that person, except what I sourced was emotional support or advice or, like I said, just to be an advocate. 

I’d ask the teacher to go back a slide, even if my notes were all done because I knew that you liked to stare out the window and not start writing until halfway through the task. If I could see the sun was in your eyes, I’d change seats. When you were ill, I’d send a little care package because I knew that mind could handle being ill less so than your body. I’ve never been the first pick though which might be why I’ve always tried to make myself indispensable, a resounding force that stays a constant in your life.  

I could always sense the pain in your eyes and when everyone else had fallen away from you, I was there. I always tried to be there for you. I see what people mean when they say I’m the mum friend. When you became estranged, I wasn’t even upset. I was so proud. You became so much happier and brighter, and your world seemed to glow. 

When we start to meet again, I knew something had changed. Maybe for the better, maybe for the worst. I saw how you were with them and me. Your mask came down and your façade broke away with me. Just like it once had. The way you were with them was more fluent, more calm, more normal. It always seemed like hard work to be with them. Your actions felt rehearsed, like muscle memory of a piece that you’d played so many times before, you could do it in your sleep. 

This was who you were now. A kind stranger who always let me in, but I didn’t know this dance like you. You were waltzing when I was barely able to follow the song. Still though you let me in and tried to position me in a place my services could be used by the masses. I don’t think you knew that I did that for you. It was not my choice to be with this people, but I know that even with your perfectly timed rhythm, you sometimes missed a bar. I could swoop and save you because I know your life has never been as simple as it should. 

When you invited me on this trip, I was surprised. This was the first time we’d gone out together for a while. It was pleasant, it was nice. You were kind and I was funny, and we complimented each other like fine wines with food. You never were a risk taker and that never shocked me. Your life had been a series of risky business that you had no need to be dealing in. A child did not need to be descaling wars in the home ground, no matter how much was delegated to you by the higher ups. Everything fell on you, which is why, I think, you fell on me. 

I trust you with my life. I trust you with your life more importantly. Let your life be calm and bright and beautiful. I can only see you flourish. 

When we boarded the plane, I could see your knuckles white with apprehension. Take the window seat, I never liked being close to the side anyway. Here I brought some rhubarb and custard for take-off, I know that you don’t like the ascent. Take a deep breath and we’ll be home soon. 

The finale I never did like. Just you and me. I could almost see the veins under your skin, like you had become transparent. All you could see was red. All I could see was your future. Green gardens. Blue skies. Loving family. It’s what was foretold. I knew you could do it. I always did. 

Don’t let the end scare you, it is only a stop on the way to your future. Don’t let the alarms fool you, it’s going to be okay. Here take this with some deep breaths. Put it on your back and pull the cord when you leave. Don’t panic my dear you will be okay. I just know it. 

Don’t worry about me. My story ends here. The last one goes to you. 

I love you.

Always,

And forever.

The green gardens and the blue skies and beautiful life are all I see mixing together in a flurry of colour and brightness and light. 

#short story #prose #creative writing #writing #poetry #written in a hazy fog #writer #true love