ink-stained-words

[ink-stained-words]

I'm making a list of things I want to write in a journal, each thing I want to make a page for

bc they're important to me, to who I am, & at some point, they made me happy

it can go here too. writing it somewhere where people could see it helps sometimes

it means it's not going to get lost in my head

I'll keep adding to it, it's not nearly done yet

Tumblr post about adulthood (it's on my main somewhere)

Disney Channel Theme Defunctland video

Puppet History !!!!!

Something for Green Gables Fables? Or like,, that era of my life. There was also a Pride & Prejudice webseries

June trips candy packages

Poem I wrote for Sylas & the sonnet he wrote for me

Something about the trip I took in 2017 with Aria? Pictures & memories. It really was quite nice

A page for Audrey, I wanna color match the bracelet she picked out for me

Plant shop, somehow

Favorite books

JoLynn should probably have a page, maybe with a letter written to her on the back

Andrew Barth Feldman lyrics (two pages)

Friends I've had, proof that lots of people have liked me (even if I don't still know a lot of them anymore)

Choir things (Canada & Disneyland & Burn)

Should I actually make pages for the fixations I've had. AoS was a huge one. There was definitely an OUaT phase. I liked Doctor Who & Good Omens a lot. And Hamilton. And Dear Evan Hansen

I also used to write Fall Out Boy lyrics in my drawing book

The RV should get a shout-out. I did a lot of physics & Music Appreciation hw on the long drives

Broadway musicals in general probably matter

I really like Into The Spiderverse, I saw it in theaters & it was a religious experience

I want something for Foul Play !!!!

And Broadway Jackbox. Jackbox in general. All the nights we'd buy pizza & play it with JoLynn

Dunkin Drives & that time I got smoothies with JoLynn in a thunderstorm & we nearly got stuck bc the railroad tracks were blocked off

Umbrella Academy, specifically the fic I like a lot, and all of the words I've collected and thoughts I've had

Buzzfeed Unsolved & mint tea & how simple things felt on those nights, watching YouTube on vc

Over the Garden Wall

TMA & Stellar Firma & the end of the rqo server (honestly if I hadn't been there I don't know where I'd be now)

Crane Wives!!

My favorite Carrie Underwood & Kelly Clarkson & Lady A songs bc I used to play them on repeat for hours

the-modern-typewriter

Littlest Pet Shops

The novels I've like. Tried to write. Lost at Sea & The King's Guard. I have a typed copy of one & the other is just illegibly scrawled in notebooks

Probably need to have a page for how much I loved Ben Platt's music over covid, bc I'm not sure I'd have survived without it

Teachers I've had that I especially liked

Quotes from the very very extensive journals I kept over 2020 bc I have. Genuinely at least 200k words of stories & thoughts

I also have a bucket list, of manageably small things. A lot of them are already planned, so they are more guarantees than aspirations

but they're dreams I have. things I want to do bc I think they'll make me feel real

Bucket List / Dreams

Coauthor a scientific article or book

Present at a major conference & survive the sheer anxiety

Work in a big lab / on a major project

Live very close to someone I love

Watch my cousins grow up

Feel pretty & confident, bc I deserve it. Maybe on a date or something

Crochet a sweater

Decorate an apartment for myself, make it feel like *home*

Crochet an entire blanket

Work tech for some sort of performance

Get a tattoo or three

Say no to something big, even though no one wants me to

Get one or two more piercings

More experiences like the queer play or singing Burn in choir

Have an actual garden, with herbs and flowers, & keep it weeded

Finish a writing challenge but now, with words that I now have to say. Maybe a new 100 100s

desperately holding on to this strange feeling of like

almost feeling something

I feel like I could feel something again

like there are things and people that could make me feel vibrant & whole & real

I just need to find the right combination of them

bc things were okay for a little while, they actually really were

and I'm not sure what happened

whether I discovered that my bar for feeling real was depressingly low

or if those relationships changed to where they're not enough anymore, by themselves

but I need more. more people, more of a routine, more ways I'm interacting with the world

I miss working in the plant shop and having regulars that recognized me

and there's a part of my soul that desperately, desperately wants to be known and wanted

in a way where I don't feel like being happy or talking about myself just makes everyone annoyed or upset

but at the very least

I want to feel like I have my fingers dipped into the world

I want to feel like I'm not contained to this house, to a handful of people who recognize my face, maybe my name

I want to stop feeling so small

I feel so small

I keep getting shoved into a corner bc that way, I'm not taking up too much space

but the corner makes my legs cramp and I know everyone means well but they're hurting me. so fuck this

I want to lie in the grass, I want to buy groceries, I want to plan for my future, I want to meet more people, I want to love more people, I want more

and maybe it'll hurt some people

or make them uncomfortable

but I've been uncomfortable for my entire life and they. can fuck off, respectfully. they're not miserable. I am

I repotted some plants today

there's this spider plant that's always been pretty strong, since I took it off the parent plant as a little seedling

I got a sloth plant hanger for my birthday, and put the little guy in it, right next to the window

and it's grown so much, in the last couple of months

I found a new bright yellow pot for it, with much more room for all the roots it has now

I'm somewhere between trying to use the sunlight to grow & becoming too big for my pot

I want to be in something bright and yellow and big. I want to fill space and make people proud

no one's proud when I do it

they all find something to be upset about

but if I don't do it I'm gonna die, like all of the seedlings I've potted that didn't make it, that shriveled until there wasn't anything to save

there's a new plant in the sloth hanger now

I hope it grows just as well as the last one did

I have a meeting tomorrow, to discuss working in a chemical lab over the summer. it might even be a paid position

I don't know what I'll wear. I should do my laundry

but I'm so excited to be a part of something real again

to do something that matters

there's a trip I'm taking in a week, to see my best friend

he's turning 18 and graduating high school

I'm not sure when I'll see him again, after this. maybe not for a long time. we both have to save money

I'm not even sure if I'm excited for it, yet

probably because I haven't talked to him on vc in a while. a week or so. but in my defense it was a very long week, we didn't talk at all for a lot of it

so my brain doesn't really know whether or not things are okay

they will be

with him, in general

it'll all get figured out

but the most important thing has to be whether I'm getting stronger or weaker, plant analogy speaking

bc there's plenty of sunlight

I'm just shit at using it

#thoughts #though really just lists #I dunno #it feels like there's nothing notable about me #and I hate myself so much that I'd rather forget everything I've ever been #no one remebers it that fondly #and maybe I was dumb & ridiculous & lonely #I'm all of those things now too #and none of this means anything if I forget the tiny kid in me that I'm trying to make proud

[ink-stained-words]

desperately holding on to this strange feeling of like

almost feeling something

I feel like I could feel something again

like there are things and people that could make me feel vibrant & whole & real

I just need to find the right combination of them

bc things were okay for a little while, they actually really were

and I'm not sure what happened

whether I discovered that my bar for feeling real was depressingly low

or if those relationships changed to where they're not enough anymore, by themselves

but I need more. more people, more of a routine, more ways I'm interacting with the world

I miss working in the plant shop and having regulars that recognized me

and there's a part of my soul that desperately, desperately wants to be known and wanted

in a way where I don't feel like being happy or talking about myself just makes everyone annoyed or upset

but at the very least

I want to feel like I have my fingers dipped into the world

I want to feel like I'm not contained to this house, to a handful of people who recognize my face, maybe my name

I want to stop feeling so small

I feel so small

I keep getting shoved into a corner bc that way, I'm not taking up too much space

but the corner makes my legs cramp and I know everyone means well but they're hurting me. so fuck this

I want to lie in the grass, I want to buy groceries, I want to plan for my future, I want to meet more people, I want to love more people, I want more

and maybe it'll hurt some people

or make them uncomfortable

but I've been uncomfortable for my entire life and they. can fuck off, respectfully. they're not miserable. I am

I repotted some plants today

there's this spider plant that's always been pretty strong, since I took it off the parent plant as a little seedling

I got a sloth plant hanger for my birthday, and put the little guy in it, right next to the window

and it's grown so much, in the last couple of months

I found a new bright yellow pot for it, with much more room for all the roots it has now

I'm somewhere between trying to use the sunlight to grow & becoming too big for my pot

I want to be in something bright and yellow and big. I want to fill space and make people proud

no one's proud when I do it

they all find something to be upset about

but if I don't do it I'm gonna die, like all of the seedlings I've potted that didn't make it, that shriveled until there wasn't anything to save

there's a new plant in the sloth hanger now

I hope it grows just as well as the last one did

I have a meeting tomorrow, to discuss working in a chemical lab over the summer. it might even be a paid position

I don't know what I'll wear. I should do my laundry

but I'm so excited to be a part of something real again

to do something that matters

there's a trip I'm taking in a week, to see my best friend

he's turning 18 and graduating high school

I'm not sure when I'll see him again, after this. maybe not for a long time. we both have to save money

I'm not even sure if I'm excited for it, yet

probably because I haven't talked to him on vc in a while. a week or so. but in my defense it was a very long week, we didn't talk at all for a lot of it

so my brain doesn't really know whether or not things are okay

they will be

with him, in general

it'll all get figured out

but the most important thing has to be whether I'm getting stronger or weaker, plant analogy speaking

bc there's plenty of sunlight

I'm just shit at using it

#thoughts #writing #this is all over the place #but I'm just #I'm thinking #about the future #about how people seem to know how to care about themselves #even when other people don't #I miss feeling like people got excited when I was happy #I get excited for them? #but they never seem to be that proud of me #I miss feeling like I'm living an actual life #full of things #instead of just letting the tide carry me #and maybe that's a lot of life #but I want to feel like I'm at least feeling the rocks and sticks I pass #I want to remember how many trees I see #there's life and time and I'm missing so much of it

[ink-stained-words]

{Quotes: most of them are from my dairy others are from comments I read across web // painting:holly warburton }

Web weaving about how things went wrong way too many times

#words

[ink-stained-words]

If you have friends, please answer these 3 questions:

1. Where did you go to find that friend (which place)?

2. What did you do that they became your friend? Which interaction lead to the friendship?

3. How did you know that you can trust them and they are not dangerous for you?

#uhh sure I can answer this with my best friend #met him online in a discord server for the magnus archives #we became friends bc we brainstormed a fic idea & then he wrote it & dmed me the Google docs link #and then I told him magenta was a lie & we just.... never stopped talking. it's been two years #we met in person a year or so ago #for my highschool graduation present #we already trusted each other with our lives #so it wasn't scary #we'd seen each other in our worst moments already #the trust was always natural with him #effortless #the relationship isn't always #but I've always believed I was safe with him

[ink-stained-words]

I'll reblog this later with a sufficient addition, but I want to start it before I get distracted

there's this post I found, that I think about a lot

something about how growing up isn't taxes or college or buying laundry detergent or living alone

it's learning how to cope with the silence. it's figuring out how to love someone. how to love being yourself

growing up isn't the adult things. it's all of the emotional maturity. and I thought I did that all when I grew up absurdly quickly, learning how to be self sufficient, independent

growing up is realizing your childhood left you with a lot to work through. it's having the strength to bend, over and over, and scoop up all of the sharp pieces, and be careful with them

growing up is feeling pain, feeling hurt, feeling lost and alone. it's surviving things you didn't think you could

growing up is being kind to yourself, even if you don't believe you deserve it, even when it's hard, even when it hurts

growing up is making decisions and trusting that they were the right ones, because you needed to make them

spring break trip made me realize that, driving home from the airport, chest achey from hyperventilating

it's easier to build yourself around other people, and have them hold you up. but it only works for as long as they want you

I'm in a perpetual state of losing touch with who I am

bc I've never cared enough to really figure that out

if nothing else, I owe that to him

but more importantly, I owe it to myself

for the first time, I'm processing that. my life is mine. I have to live with my decisions

I always prided myself on how grown up I felt, as a kid

I don't feel very grown up, now. I feel small, and broken

I want to be something. I want to be

I feel different. since Thanksgiving trip. it's been one very long mental illness moment. I felt lost and listless and alone

useless and unneeded

I felt alive, almost, with you. I felt like I could learn how to feel alive, like I could love life in a vibrant way

like I could feel things. love and contentment and peace

it's so easy to tether all of it to you. I could keep doing that. but it'll hurt you. I'll hurt you, by building myself around you

you love me

I am a person and you are a person and I love you, I love you

you deserve a best friend who can stand on their own. not content spinning around in your orbit, nothing without the gravity

spring break trip was the catalyst. I need to be something

I will be something

I'll grow up. I'll survive things I don't think I could

I'll do things for myself, even when other people tell me not to

I will be something

something I like.

I can love things earnestly, I can listen to Andrew Barth Feldman songs and be a bit not normal about the lyrics

I can crochet shitty things, things that don't have a purpose, bc half the point is creating them

I can fail a couple exams and I'll survive. I can give myself space to breathe when I need it

I can dye my hair green, and wear shitty eyeliner, and gravitate toward glittery things, and collect decks of cards

I can play drums and water my plants and find new songs and be loud and strange and take up space

I don't want to be palatable. fuck palatable

I want to not hate myself whenever I laugh too loudly

that's my point. that's the point

#thoughts #writing #things #vibing #sorta #I dunno #I dyed my hair green yesterday #I got an A- in at least two classes #possibly a B+ in one of them #I'm not what I was #maybe that's a bad thing #but I want to be something for me #I want to be someone I enjoy being #that feels important

[ink-stained-words]

meeting you changed what living felt like

the bar was so low before. now I want to feel happy. I want to feel alive. I want to feel okay

because of you, for you, next to you, with you

you're a lifeline and a crutch. it's easier to be yours than it is to be something separate, something that can stand on its own

I'll pick myself up. I'll be strong on my own

and then I'll be yours to the end, with your love as my garden

both can be true. I'll be mine and yours

#thoughts #quiet ones #I should come here more #this post is sponsored by fall for me by sleep token #and all of the nice things that were said to me while we looped it together

[ink-stained-words]

this search for the essence of who I am

#things

[ink-stained-words]

would that I by hozier sounds like the nye trip

it tastes like it. settles in the back of my throat the same way

i think i hummed it at the art museum

it feels like making the bed while you brushed your teeth

i can almost close my eyes & be there, again

smoothing out the blankets & lining up the stuffies

it never felt suffocating, being there

not in the way existing always does

#thoughts #irrelevant ones #I'm also listening to the Hollywood undead song a lot #the nye song #I don't know what to do with myself #now that I'm here again #out of any of the trips #that one changed me the most I think #I actually feel 19 now #it's 2023 now #life isn't exactly the same #neither am I

[ink-stained-words]

everything is very compartmentalized at the moment

there are the things I refuse to touch (most everything)

and a couple of safe things to think about

it's a barbed wire minefield. I can only step specific places

it feels okay right now

but distant. held at an arm's length

why do our brains like running over all the ways we failed, over & over & over, hating ourselves for fucking up

how do I convince you that there's no amount of shit I wouldn't go through beside you, as long as I knew it would get us both out the other end of it

how do I convince myself the same might go for me

that trip was never supposed to be Relaxing & Fun. I was there for damage control. minimize the shittiness. make sure someone was there to listen to you play guitar & fucking gender you correctly & watch shows you like

it was still fun. and quite relaxing

I liked it. it wasn't all good, but I liked it

I like having a routine with you in it. making the bed & waking up around the same time every morning. brushing our teeth & setting up my laptop for otgw & complaining slightly bc that's the only way my brain can process that you want to fall asleep on my chest bc it makes you feel peaceful & content

I know it was shitty & awful. some parts felt shitty & awful

but you didn't fail anyone. especially not me. not even the host people, no matter what anyone says

you needed to survive it

Christmas was shitty & you were doing your absolute fucking best to stay sane, & sometimes that means dragging your strange best friend from Idaho along with you & hiding in the office with her all day, playing guitar & watching shows

sometimes that means deciding fuck it, this is the only thing that'll keep me from losing it, so. ain't that just the way

they don't get it, bc they're not walking a tightrope, knowing that slipping will cause multiple things to break & there's so much fucking weight all the time

they're adding to the weight, fucking hell. actively worsening it

how do we decide that nothing our parents think matters

how do we get far enough away that it'll stop hurting so much when we're not enough for people, when we can't give them what they want

we keep going, & hope it'll mean anything in the long run

it will. we have another trip in April. I'm going to Florida in May, then your house for graduation, then you're going to Europe

you'll probably go to LA sometime in between all of that. maybe see a concert, maybe just sit with someone who understands in a place that isn't suffocating

we'll keep going, & it'll mean something

all of it is at an arm's length at the moment. what the house smelled like, sounded like, how any of it felt

I keep imagining what it'll be like to have you here again, for more than just a night

we're not healthy people. we're a bit broken. cracked in places, can't take weight & pressure the way people generally can

and just, in general, Not Typical Generic Human Beings

but we're doing our fucking best & even if things get bad, what else is new. we'll do what we'll always do. wait it out

I'll make you drink water. probably take more responsibility for your well-being than I strictly should, all things considered

gotta love that self-sacrificial complex rooted in all those years I spent as a kid taking care of my siblings & parents

I don't feel like I'm doing any of this correctly

but overall

considering the bigger picture

my parents don't hate me. neither do my siblings

you like me? enough to want me at Thanksgiving & Nye

I'm your best friend still. neither of us have fucked that up. I'm starting to believe it would take Strong & Deliberate Effort to fuck it up

you're doing alright in school. you're almost done with all the volunteering hours, you're almost done

you have your DND group & friends. your parents & sibling don't hate you

you have Ronan & Em & the server people & you have me

I don't think either of us are breaking anything by coping & existing & trying our best, even when sometimes that means saying fuck it to family commitments & hiding in a room

it's self care

not the pretty kind. not the kind anyone wants to deal with

but it's self care

it's good

I'm proud of you

#writing #thoughts #uhh #words? #a lot of those #I'm processing #the nye trip #and just life in general #could be worse #could be better #we're coping #I'm sorry it often just feels like failing #failing other people & failing yourself #you're not #I promise you're not #neither of us are

[ink-stained-words]

at what point will I stop being surprised when things get bad

right now there's a quiet sort of resigned acceptance

which I can definitely work with

I've had all these thoughts before

not as loud. or in such rapid succession.

but they're not new

I breathe through them & set the unproductive ones aside

I'm not alone, even if my brain likes to convince myself I am

alone is different than not being, like. the priority

I would like to be taken care of. but I'm better at holding people than being held, so I breathe through the thoughts & hold on to the things that I know are true

I'm here, & he wants me to be

I'm good at breathing (ironic, slightly. my lungs are shit rn & I keep coughing)

I cannot be perfect at loving or being loved

I cannot be perfect at existing

I cannot expect perfection from myself or anyone else

I am good at breathing

he's here, & he's safe. I can hold him & keep him safe

we're both safe. we keep each other safe

it's okay. it's okay. it's okay

breathe through the thoughts. eat the food & ignore the nausea. drink water. don't scratch my arms. breathe.

breathe. breathe. breathe.

time will keep passing. the heaviness will get lighter

I slept quite well last night. we both did

I haven't done that yet. that's the first night I've slept well with him. for the record, that has nothing to do with him. just me being scared I'll wake him up

he's a heavy sleeper. we fit in the bed. sometimes we steal the blankets or pillow, or elbow each other on accident. I usually get crushed into the wall, but when I can't find a place for my arm to go, I can wrap it around him

I usually hold him anyway. he fits well

in my arms. in my life. head & heart & all of that sappy shit

I hold him & marvel quietly at the fact that we've made it this far. there's very definitively a before I met him, & an after

I have a best friend

I hold my best friend & bring him water & whisper goodnight to him, like I do from my room sometimes, even if he can't hear

he still can't hear. he's usually asleep. I'm getting better at telling when he is, just from how his breathing sounds. how relaxed he finally is

I have a best friend

and someone has me as theirs

that's cool

enough of a miracle to get me through my complete fucking inability to be anywhere other than home rn, bc my mental health keeps getting A Lot Worse & it's a bit fucking terrifying but I'm holding on

holding on to the true things

good things

like him

I'm here, & that's a good thing

I like being here

I like telling him goodnight

even if he can't hear it every time

#writing #thoughts #some of them are nice #some are notably less than #I've been reciting prime numbers so fucking much #but nighttime is nice #and rn I can breathe #I have some raspberry tea!!! #and he's sitting next to me #which is cool #I can limit my existence to his best friend for the moment #I don't have to be much more than that #the rest can go into its box for later

[ink-stained-words]

i've been looping Spillways for a little while & i bemusedly tried to figure out why this song specifically was keeping the worst of my depression at bay

then i realized it's bc we sang it for karaoke & i nearly sobbed in the middle of the sandwich shop

so that's. how today is going thus far

#thoughts #I don't have anyone else to tell them to #so tada #utilizing this handy dandy void

[ink-stained-words]

it's strange

thinking about how easy it is for people to flit in and out of each other's lives

how easy it is to come and go, busy with life, distracted with whatever new problem presents itself in the morning

how easy and inevitable it is to change, into someone entirely different

maybe that's the point of weddings

of signing mortgages together

it's staring all of the inevitability in the eye and saying no

I like this person

I want them here

I'm going to keep them close

even when everything changes, and it's all different

people get married and it's a promise, an important one

a lot of them fall apart, because they underestimate how difficult of a commitment it is to stay, even when it hurts, even when it's hard

put that way, it sounds like an unimaginable burden

it's a promise I've made to you a million times

and I've meant it

isn't that strange?

the sort of commitment people are terrified of, agonize over, spend years chasing and even more recovering from

and for me, to you, it's as easy as breathing

I'm stubborn as fuck and I've decided on you

of course I'll be there beside you when the world ends

you'll need someone to help you rebuild it

#thoughts #quieter ones #sometimes #I unlock this more general perception of how the world actually works #outside of my tiny limited life #and I realize that like #I've probably made more earnest and honest vows to my best friend than a good majority of married couples #and I meant them #it's simple when it's him #of course it'll always be us #life will change #they'll be a bunch of people who come & go #we'll have a whole group to invite to Friendsgiving #but no matter what #I'm not going anywhere he isn't #spiritually at least #hopefully also physically #we'll see #anyways sleepy time thoughts #beloved if you read this far #uhh the thing I just bought you is movie themed #g'night <3

[ink-stained-words]

this helps a lot, actually

it'll hurt more tomorrow, I'm positive

how am I supposed to sleep without you close?

but it's helpful, knowing you're not here but also not far

I'll see you later, and give you the biggest hug

we'll watch our movie and snuggle and it'll be good

I'll miss you. so fucking much

but it's okay

we'll survive

I can message you how wonderful this was, how even the bad moments were more than made up for by the better ones

how I'll remember doing karaoke with you for the rest of my life

how I'll never get war child out of my head

how I'll laugh to everyone about you elbowing me

(how it was okay that you did, because I liked the reminder you were still okay. I liked being woken up when you kicked me, I liked holding you bc I could feel you breathing)

(it's deeply important to me, knowing whether or not you're okay)

I'll spend weeks or months or whatever picking apart pieces of it, the tiny moments I've already half forgotten

how bright your smile was at the park

how it felt to let you dye my hair, ridiculously at peace

how amazing you are at dead by daylight & call of duty

how your laugh sounds, how your hair smells, how progressively disastrous your makeup got

just you in general. everything that's lost through the camera

I know we'll have two beds bc it's like,,, more practical

but I wouldn't mind if we pretended we didn't, in our apartment

you're very warm. I feel safe next to you. nothing in the world could hurt us

except maybe our brains. but I was even able to make mine go quiet

I hope you were too. or that someday you can

I'll see you in a couple hours. then again in a couple weeks

we're okay, I think?

we're not tired of each other. we don't hate each other

we're still figuring out how to coexist, but that wasn't going to be immediate, I didn't expect it to be

both of us are still living a bit in the past. coping with instincts built within a distinct sort of badness

it isn't bad like that anymore. I hope soon we can believe that. it's not going to get bad like that again, I promise

I'm not going to leave you. you're not a bad person.

you deserve love, and I will do everything in my power to give it to you. I've decided on you. I'll keep coming back

I'll keep giving you way too many head kisses bc I like proving to myself that you're still here, still alive, still okay

we'll watch ridiculously mid horror movies and eat ice cream and I'll watch TikToks over your shoulder even if it's probably a bit annoying to you

this trip has just made me even more confident in the fact that I want a future with you in it. my home wouldn't be complete without you. there'd be a distinctly shaped emptiness

I want to build a safe place like your bedroom, one with a box of comfort things for the bad nights, one without people who fuck up plans, one with lots of stuffies and blankets & lights that turn on when we go to sleep

for now, we're surviving. that works. that's okay

I love you. no matter what happens, that won't change

anyways it's super fucking cold bc I just took a shower & I have to walk to the bus stop with your dad soon so!! farewell <3

#thoughts #best friend trip 2.0 #complete with an 100000x increase in snuggles #I was here for Friendsgiving!! #I sang karaoke!! #we watched otgw!! #I slept in the same place as him #we sat on the couch #it wasn't entirely perfect #but it was us #it was ours #which makes it lovely #I love him even more than I did when I got here #he's more distinct as a person in my head? #I know him better #he's safe #and he's good #my future will have him in it #I'm positive #beloved if you read this far #uhhh you get to know that one of your Christmas presents matches your dice bag design #that's as much as I'm telling you <3

[ink-stained-words]

so fucking tired

but this helps a bit

deep inhale

my trip isn't going to feel like this. I won't have both my parents there, oozing tangible stress and anxiety, I won't have my siblings being frustrating or annoyed

it'll just be me, figuring things out, taking deep breaths, talking to myself & finding the courage to actually walk out of the gate

it's going to be okay

I've forgotten what it feels like to feel happy and safe

we'll have that

it's enough time. it'll go slow

it's okay

[ink-stained-words]

Me, writing something that isn't just trauma dumping? Actual silly story thing? Blasphemous. Hasn't happened in months

---

She felt sick.

Her soul ached, hungry for something, a specific shape of a feeling, something that would fill the emptiness.

This wasn't them.

They looked like themselves. Same hair, awkward and choppy, uneven from the midnight motel bathroom makeover. Same jacket, nearly in tatters. Same mouth, nose, chin.

Their eyes weren't the same.

She was gonna throw up.

They took a step back, slow but firm. Untrusting.

It began to register, what was happening.

It'd been so long since she'd been someone they could be afraid of. So many years of redeeming herself, of earning trust. First out of desperation, a lack of options, then out of choice. She chose them. They chose her.

Something clicked. Reality began to sink in, quiet and deadly. Her world began to break in a slow motion collapse as she fumbled for any piece of her love, her life, everything she'd held dear.

Her mind dripped into a spiral of no no no no nononono

"Stop looking at me like that," a strange stutter to their voice

She kept staring, couldn't make herself stop. Looking away would be a mercy. Looking away would mean admitting that looking was hell.

She'd expected torture. She'd been caught, she deserved to pay for her past. Back roads and shitty motels could only hide her for so long.

But fuck, she thought she'd have them, she had them, she wasn't alone, she had the one good thing she'd managed to earn.

Her dearly beloved, with their loud laugh and awful sense of humor and innate goodness. Their wit and loyalty and ridiculous contentment with following her around.

She'd hurt them, before. People close to them. Enough to bring that fear into their eyes.

It'd faded, after years of inside jokes and playlists, crossing cities off of old maps. At some point, it became trust. At some point, it became love.

Soft, quiet, strong-willed love. The most precious thing she'd ever earned. They followed her as she ran, and it never felt like running.

She wanted to sob, to scream and scream and scream until the world could hear the collapse of her own.

It was gone. Completely fucking gone.

They eyed her, wary and confused. They shoved their hands into their pockets, visibly pulling themselves out of whatever silence they'd sunken into. They paced the perimeter of the room, trying the door.

It was unlocked.

Desperation consumed her for one blinding, murderous second, and she considered everything it would take to make them stay, to keep them here, every scrap of hope colliding into the type of plan restricted to nightmares.

Then she imagined seeing them, cold and still on the floor, and choked on the bile flooding her throat.

They opened the door, staring out, frozen. Their expression was strange, something between shock and fear, confusion and neutrality.

How many years had been stolen away from them? At least a decade, going off of the way they'd jumped away from her when she woke up, as if she was a breath away from clawing their eyes out.

Did they know? Could they?

She looked different. Older. Arms littered with scars from rusty can openers and barbed wire and years on the road.

They did too. They'd looked happy before, watching her from the bed, teasing her about her hair as if they were on vacation, as if theirs wasn't an equal disaster.

She clawed at hers now, imagining their hands on her shoulders, chopping away with dull scissors, singing to the radio and laughing.

They whipped around then, and it took her a second to register the keening cry coming out of her mouth. It felt like death. It sounded like acceptance.

Somewhere, those that had caught up to her congratulated themselves for their brilliance. They'd tried to get her alone before, dragging her love away, telling them they were free, they could have their future.

They refused. Said, firmly, that they'd rather go through every consequence beside her then leave her alone here.

She'd hated them for it. She'd fucking loved them for it.

She should have stayed awake. Maybe they wouldn't have been taken. Maybe they wouldn't be dead.

They stared at her with horror as she crumbled to the floor, reaching out uselessly for something no longer there. Carved empty and bleeding with a rusty blade, jagged and hollow. A sobbing mess of something once angry and strong that'd grown to be happy and brave.

Maybe they'd leave. Maybe she'd be left alone. Maybe that would be better than seeing them, the person she'd fallen asleep next to, warm and safe. A person who thought they were much younger than they were, memories torn away.

She wanted them to leave. She broke further at the thought of never seeing their face again, never hearing their voice.

They didn't love her. She meant nothing to them. Her best friend was gone and there was nothing left of them.

She could still see them so clearly in her head. Every moment, good and bad and frustrating and freeing

It wasn't easy, getting to where they were. It wasn't always good, even now. They were broken people. But they'd felt safe together, even happy at times.

They'd never been hers. She'd known that. They made a decision every morning not to leave, choosing her. They chose her.

They looked lost, now. Achingly young. She could see the question on their tongue, demands for an explanation, justice, an argument, a reprieve from the tangible suffocating pain in the room.

They couldn't know where they were, what they were doing there. They had to want to leave.

They did, eventually. It didn't break her much more than she already had. They were already gone. She didn't have enough in her to want to rebuild it. She didn't fool herself into believing she could bring them back.

She'd known she'd have to pay for what she'd done. In her nightmares, she'd seen them being tortured, killed.

This was better than that, maybe. They could live their life. Her captors would be pleased at her love's newfound freedom, tell them of their enslavement at her hands, show them the world and life they'd been denied.

They'd had a life, together.

It hadn't been perfect, but it was theirs.

She would be a monster in their head. The years they spent together, exploring the world, talking late into the night of finding someone to marry, settling down, then admitting it didn't sound quite as nice as what they'd built- those years would be nothing but empty wasted time to them.

They were precious to her. The only precious thing left.

She laid on the floor, flayed open and bare. Utterly empty, drowning in the reality of how thoroughly they'd managed to destroy her with something they considered a mercy.

It was impressive, almost.

They would never understand what they've done.

#writing #not thoughts for once! #we vibe #it's said good horror is built on legitimate fear #take that as you will #not to say this is good #I'll add the italics later #but I'm proud? #I wrote something #halfway decent #besides #no one comes here anyway #so I might as well post it

[ink-stained-words]

MORE METAL THOUGHTS (pt. who knows)

1. Deutschland: Alright this song does not need to be this fucking vibey, I'm now unreasonably excited for sex. I'm not gonna capitalize it either. Just,,,, fucking hell. The beginning is amazing. I don't know what any of these words mean but they're saying Something. I get why you lose your mind listening to these. I'd probably lose a good portion of my sanity listening to any of these in the same room as you. Oh god the ending is pretty (9/10)

2. Incense & Iron: The beginning?? Holy shit?? It's so silly. Just a fun little jig. Losing my mind already help. Was not prepared for the vibes. This one has words I understand but I don't process lyrics unless I'm reading them so we vibe. Fucking love this chorus. It sounds so cinematic & dramatic. I love the sound of his voice. Fuck fuck fuck amazing. I think my brain is simultaneously processing that we only really have 10 days left. So I'm thoroughly losing it. November trip will be set to the most incredible vibes. Key changeeeeeeee (9/10)

3. Sweet True Lies: Violent whiplash, it sounded like the Backstreet Boys for a quick sec. It's so funky & fun & energetic. The chorus is fun!! It's all fun!! In a different way than the last one. Steve would vibe to this. I don't have a lot to say, I'm just smiling at it. Funky guitar solo. Holy fuck, another key change. Those should be illegal, I go nonfunctional for a sec /pos. The screaming at the end is entertaining (8/10)

4. Die by the Blade: Oooooh synthy. I feel like I'm having a bit of a main character moment, listening to all these. Didn't notice the dissociation fog, it has cleared a notable amount. Oh this was your status for a bit!! I know that lyric. I love all of this, especially the solo, & just how fun it is. Can I say Steve would like this one too. I hear synth & all I can see is Joe Keery with a bat (8/10)

5. Sex: Finding this song on Spotify was like navigating a minefield. No, no porn podcast please. Wow he's doing growly things already. Very different. It's so fun & dramatic, it's amazing. I just wanna laugh at it, there's a lot of like,,, bubbly happy static. Ridiculously vibey, who gave them the right. Oh holy shit this instrumental part is a fucking vibe. I love them chanting sex in the background. This is what my mom imagines in her nightmares about people corrupting me. I'm gonna come home with black hair looping this song & she'll despair (8.5/10)

6. Night Witches: Oh wow starting off strong. I think this is in English but it's genuinely hilarious how my comprehension is almost the same either way. I love this a lot. It's very fast & loud & aaaaa. Nothing in my head except bouncing on my heels, though I'm sitting on my bed. Brilliant amazing very neat. How could anyone listen to this song & not like it. Mood is currently :D!!. I need to be doing something while listening to this song, sitting still is driving me crazy. Echoey ending is very cool (9/10)

#commentary

[ink-stained-words]

It's hard to hold on to the idea that I am loved and known

By someone I also love and know

There are 11 days left, and I say it to everyone who will listen

It doesn't feel like much of anything. When I imagine it, it isn't soft or bright or lovely or significant

I can't imagine being happy, at the moment. I can't imagine feeling loved. That's probably sad. I can't even feel sad

I hold on to it anyway, skirting past the trains of thought, the bad ones, the ones convinced that it'll feel pointless and awful, the ones convinced that you'll see me and force a smile on your face and be disappointed. I'm very good at disappointing people

Pause, take a deep breath

I. You said, a while ago, that you wanted me to meet your family. Back before the sleepover, when we were frantically looking for time between then and new years. I can introduce myself as Sylas's best friend. I've never done that before

II. I'll go home with Yasha hair. I'm anxious, both nervous and excited. I've never done anything drastic before

III. The moments are disjointed, a chaotic to-do list of maybes and hopefullys. I can't hold on to them very well. But I try

IV. I need it to be quiet. I need to feel quiet. I want to sit outside and breathe and maybe cry a bit and let go of all of the everything crammed into my head

V. I need to feel happy

VI. It's hard here, pretty much pointless. I'm not in any sort of mindset to think rationally about any of it. It fucking sucks, sitting in a puddle of numb misery and knowing I have another 2 days until I can leave. Knowing I can't trust anything my mind says, and there's nothing I can do but curl up tight and wait

VII. I hold on to my future full of you, like a lifeline, like fragile blown glass, a piece of proof that pretty things can exist. I hold on to this trip as if it'll fix anything, and ruin it by believing it won't

VIII. It's been 5 months. I keep my memories of my week with you on my nightstand, on my desk, around my neck. I hold on to them when things get hard

IX. The memories are enough. The memories matter. I can hold on to them, because I will not forget. I forget most everything, especially now. I'm only barely a person. I will not forget you

X. It's messy in my head. Mixed up pieces of a picture I used to see so clearly. I know I love you. I know you love me. The world is loud, but it can't drown that out, at least

XI. I will meet your family, and watch you play Xbox. We'll make meals we can eat and talk about interesting things and watch movies. Existing with you means something. I think I've forgotten. I forgot what it feels like to exist in a way that doesn't hurt. We'll wake up and not wish we hadn't

We can do that again

#writing #thoughts #words #all of the tags #I am #trying my best here #to figure all of it out #to believe things will be okay #to trust the trip will be good #to know that I am loved and matter #it's a lot #maybe this will help #maybe it won't #but it's a start