i-ammermaiid - Tumblr blog

i-ammermaiid · 6 years

Text

"Like the mermaid??"

I work in bars and after I tell whichever random alcoholic or shy guy trying to get my number, my name, I shit you not every single one says “so like the mermaid?!” And this is where I am beginning the ramblings of my past present and future. I’m going to get deep and raw and honest. All in an attempt to inspire, entertain and even maybe save.

So, I’ve always wanted to tell my story and today, after a toke, realized that in this day I age, I can literally get what I feel like saying to the world, out to the world, all with the click of my thumbs. I have so many, what I think are relevant, things swirling around in my brain that others should get to share with me. I am brutally honest. It’s how I’ve always made others laugh when I’m speaking in front of co-workers, bar guests, literally anyone.. I will say what they are thinking out loud. Beacause being a bartender, people will say things to you that they wouldn’t dare say in front of their friends. I’m a therapist per say, and I can read people like you wouldn’t believe, all while pushing booze down their throats to make their tab go up so I can make just one more buck on that tip. I make every balding middle aged man, awkaward nerd, or fat Asian dude feel like the most interesting thing on earth, and in turn I can get them to say anything to me, like tell me their deepest secret, they throw out some racial slur or something about trump being amazing, then I get to analyzing the shit out of them, tell them what I think in a blunt ass hole way,but I say it like the pretty girl that’s listening to them talk about dumb shit, all in hopes that they think they’re my like bestie, all so can hustle them out of bigger tips each time they come in. Guilt trips… if they’re super interested in listening to me talk, it seems like every story I tell, I always manage to find a way to bring up being an ex heroin junkie. It’s like it makes me feel better to tell these dudes who make sure I know they make so much money,that while I may look pretty and and act like you’re just so interesting and hilarious, I’m really just druggie trash. My job is kinda my therapy, considering the therapy I go to, like actually pay to go to, i would never be able to actually say how I truly feel about myself. She’s from a town and life that is so far from the person I am inside my head, that i fear my therapist will judge me. At least if I tell random people stories about being a junkie and the fact that I shop lift, and manipulate people out of money, I most of the time won’t see them enough nor will they have been sober enough to give a shit about the bar maid and her goings on. Like you know you hate yourself a lot when you’re scared to be honest with the one person who you’re allowed to be open and honest with, about how you feel about yourself and the things you think. But on Facebook I’m happy. I think that I let my shitty past control way too much of my present so I’m trying to keep it alive by constantly finding a way to say it out loud. Or maybe I’m looking at it all wrong. I’ve beaten the odds. Off the top of my head 12 people I used to do dope with have died. Most people can only stay clean long enough to keep themselves out of prison, or until they fuck up and think they can go back to people places and things without thinking just a little is okay, then a week later you’re driving with your ex who taught you to use a needle and happens to have herion on him, and you wake up three days later with a tube down your neck. I’ve watched friends go to rehab or get busted with a needle or for selling their friends Xbox, Do good and stay clean, then get back with an ex or go hang with someone they used to do dope with, then theyre back to lying cheating and stealing to just feel okay. Heroin has come back in full force and I know more people, used to be good people from good family’s and decent lives, get strung out on the shit. I’ve done a lot of drugs. I smoked crack for 6 months, decided one morning I was done and never touched it again, same with any other pills or Coke. But herion was unlike anything else. And literally you go from thinking you’ve got yourself under control, just doing like once every couple days, to selling your daughters bed just to get a little more. Butttt this is where I’m going with this… I want to tell my stories. I want explain my past in an attempt to cleanse my soul and maybe find some much deserved peace that I feel like, and I hope some others agree with me, deserve after the past 31 years. And honestly if my story inspires at least one person on this planet, then maybe Im on the path of the purpose I so desperately crave. Ive felt lost for a very long time, and I’ve always been too scared of being rejected or disliked to find my light, my reason. Everyone needs a reason, for some it’s their kids or their money or their whatever, I’ve thought for a long time that being able to inspire on a bigger scale, could be my purpose. I can no longer claim fear of negative feedback or whatever be my deterrent. I can literally feel the time going faster the older I get and I fucking look at my grandmother who wasted her entire life unhappy just to make everyone around her happy, and think to myself how fucking pissed I would be if I woke up at 75 and had always been too scared to do anything other than what was except, and what was safe!?! I don’t know if I believe in heaven or hell or reincarnation or whatever happens once I’m gone, but I know that I already wasted 31 years on a life that doesn’t fulfill me in anyway; and the way I lived those years, I am so so so fucking lucky I didn’t die, and got as many second chances as I did. I refuse to continue being the excuse queen. It’s time to see if my life is really as interesting as I think it is or if I’m simply a boring, uninteresting, egotistical bitch. Hell, I’m probably doing this wrong, and instead of freaking out like the paranoid, unmotivated mermaid of yesterday, I’m saying fuck it and I’m going to air every bit of dirty laundry I’ve got. *Let the emotional, and, fingers crossed, someday financial healing begin.

#additction #recovery #abuse #murder #manipulation #anxious #hope #bartender #free #opinion

0 notes