heartlikeheaven

[heartlikeheaven]

Wow, it’s been a while since I logged in here. 

This space used to be so sacred for me.

Between losing my grandfather to a heart attack in 2018, and losing a friend to suicide in 2019, I lost my faith as well. I didn’t go to church. I pushed away community. I allowed myself an escape through binge drinking. 

I’m a little wiser now. But self destruction creeps out every now and then, usually before I even recognize it. I nursed a hangover today because I drank too much last night. I sat here wondering why I did that I realize I wanted yet another escape. The last day of March would have been my grandfather’s birthday. The first day of April would have been my friend’s birthday.

There’s a lingering melancholy that exists between the crevices of this tumblr archive. I look back on the person I was, I try navigate the tumultuous sea of being, and I try to reconcile her with the person I am today. I have lost two people, but I have lost so much more than that--I’ve lost the blissful ignorance that comes with never having to cope with grief. I lost the naive sense of security I used to hold on to because God was taking care of me.

I have been deeply hurt over the past couple of years, and a dark and persisting anger silently simmers underneath my attempts at Keeping It Together. I don’t know if I’ll ever grow out of it, or if it will ever grow out of me. It is a part of me now. I go to church now, I’m trying to do a Bible study, and yet I still feel so angry and hollow.

I guess at the end of the day, we’re all only human, and being a human is so rewarding and so painful.

I’m going to leave this tumblr account open, but I want a place to write my thoughts, to continue to express, but being completely myself. This blog is not who I am anymore, unfortunately. It’s a ghost of who I once was.

I’ll leave it below if you’re interested in following, but it will not be a religious blog. I am no longer religious. I am open to letting God become a part of my life again, but not quite yet. I’m not there yet.

Thanks for listening, if you’ve made it this far.

Much love,

Ivey

@wildivey

[heartlikeheaven]

I don’t usually make posts like this, but I’m really proud of how far I’ve come.

The photo on the left was taken on February 20. The photo on the right was taken today (April 11).

I gained some weight in college. We all do. And have I lost it? I actually don’t know if I have. But I’ve tightened up some of that extra weight and made it stronger than ever.

Between these two pictures, I set my alarm an hour and a half before I used to to drag my ass out of bed and work out. I cooked myself nutritious, hearty meals even though I wanted nothing more than to order Postmates (*ahem* Popeyes). I slept 7-8 hours a night, and cut down my alcohol intake by a significant amount.

But I also went to Barcelona for a week, and ate everything my heart desired. I still went out for dinner with my friends. I learned how to be social and find new ways to hang out with people that didn’t revolve around eating cheap junk food (I love u McDonald’s).

It’s never really been a priority for me to maintain physical health, but I realized that I could not fully take care of myself mentally and emotionally without stepping up with my physicality, first and foremost.

For the first time in my life, I feel like I am loving myself in every way possible, with responsibility and care that no one can give me. 

PS I can do full burpees and pushups now, and if that isn’t a win then I don’t know what is.

#health #this transformation has been years in the making lol #yet the difference here is only like 6 weeks? maybe 7? #i'm so proud of myself hehe #fitness

[heartlikeheaven]

Hey everyone. It’s been a while.

I don’t think I’ve written anything super long or super interesting on this blog for about two years now. Besides posting the occasional new hairstyle or a little snapshot of what’s going on, maybe. Haha. But the truth is, a lot’s changed in the past two years, more than I anticipated.

As I’m wrestling with my faith, one thing that I’m unsure of is how it’ll be a part of my life moving forward, if it will even move forward with me, or if it will be a part of my past. I still believe in God, but I don’t know what that means for me anymore.

Yet at the same time, I’ve gained deep satisfaction from my life as it stands right now. I’m still stressed out and uncertain about what the future holds (can you believe I’ll be graduating in May?), but there’s a certain level of peace that persists despite changing tides. I don’t think it’s a superficial peace, too, but it confuses me because I was told that the only deep peace is found in God. Does that mean my peace isn’t real, even though I am? Even though I am more secure, more steady, more emotionally stable, and more joyful than ever?

Who is God? What is he? Where does he fit in?

Maybe you’re one of the people who understand my dilemma, this paradox that’s been passing through my mind, time and time again. Or maybe you’re someone who doesn’t, and that’s okay, too, but that’s where I am right now. I have joy. I have love. I have peace. I found healing outside of a relationship that was so broken it left me questioning my self-worth and what I add to other people’s lives. I found healing after being sexually assaulted by one of my best friends. I built strength, learning how to think louder than the obtrusive thoughts that used to burden me down everyday.

And I found it during one of the most “spiritually dry” seasons of my life, where I didn’t step foot into a church or attend a single small group. This isn’t me tooting my own horn; this isn’t me saying, “Look what I did without God!” This is me saying, this happened; what does that mean?

I don’t see myself using this Tumblr anymore, although I don’t want to close the door for good. I won’t delete it especially because -- who knows -- maybe this is something I’ll come back to, a year from now, two years from now, or a decade from now.

Or maybe I won’t, and that’s okay, too.

I hope you’ve all been well.

[heartlikeheaven]

What’s crazy to me is that I started this blog as a senior in high school and I’m now a senior in college lmao time wya

#random thoughts #hope you've all been well

[heartlikeheaven]

hi

[heartlikeheaven]

wait... oh my. did you ever write books on a website called wattpad? if you’re the author who wrote Foundations (fell hard for that book) HI!!!

Yes! I did! I closed that account long ago but have since opened a new one. Haha talk about your past catching up to you. Hello!

[heartlikeheaven]

Hi Tumblr, for once I found someone even weirder than me!!

#sorry I'm so bad at Tumblr HAHA #Okay when I say I'm going to make a life update at the end of the semester I MEAN IT #otherwise Emily can kick my ass #lol #I promise okay??? it's just been c r a z y busy #there's SO MUCH going on #a lot of things have changed over the past couple of semesters and w o w o w o w o w #anyway i gotta go finish this lab report #so enjoy this teaser pic for now #you

[heartlikeheaven]

It’s been a while y’all. We out here.

#personal #I'm sorry I've been the worst at keeping up with Tumblr #Some new developments though #including a nice boy ???? #interesting #but im in los angeles so that's fun #hung around the beach all day #now i'm sunburned #y i ke s #at least i looked cute

[heartlikeheaven]

Hi.

I’m your kid’s teacher, and I would take a bullet for your child. But I wish you wouldn’t ask me to.

.

We had an intruder drill today.

.

I have shepherded children through a lot of intruder drills. I have also, on one memorable occasion, shepherded children through a non-drill. When I was a children’s librarian in a rough suburb, armed men got into a fight in the alley behind our building. We ushered all of the kids - most of whom were unattended - into the basement while we waited for the police.

During intruder drills, some children - from five-year-olds all the way to high school kids - get visibly upset. At one school, the intruder drill included administrators running down the hallways, screaming and banging on lockers to simulate the “real thing.” Kids cry. Kindergartners wet themselves. Teenagers laugh, nudging each other, even as the blood drains from their faces.

Other children handle intruder drills matter-of-factly. “Would the guy be able to shoot us through the door?” they ask, the same way they’d ask a question about their math homework. In some ways, this is worse than the kids who cry. To be so young and so accustomed to fear that these drills seem routine.

And then there are the teachers. There is no way, huddling in a corner with your students, ducking out of view of the windows and doors, to avoid thinking about what happens when it’s not a drill.

.

People really hate teachers. I don’t take it personally. It actually makes a lot of sense: what other group of professionals do we know so well? How many doctors have you had? How many plumbers? How many secretaries?

Over the course of my public school education, I had at least fifty teachers for at least a year each. So of course some of them were bad. You take fifty people from any profession, and a couple of them are going to be terrible at their job.

So I had a couple of teachers who were terrible, and a few teachers who were amazing, inspirational figures - the kinds of teachers they make movies about.

And then I had a lot of teachers who did a good job. They came to school every day and worked hard. They’d planned our lessons and they graded our papers. I learned what I was supposed to, more or less, even if it wasn’t the most incredible learning experience of my life.

Most teachers fall into that category. I’m sure I do.

Looking at it from the other side, though, I see something that I didn’t know when I was a kid.

Those workhorse teachers who tried, who failed sometimes and sometimes succeeded, who showed up every day and did their jobs: those teachers loved us.

.

Of course you can never know what you’ll do in the event. That’s what they always say. In the event of an intruder, a fire, a tornado.

You can never know until you know.

But part of what’s so terrifying, so upsetting about an intruder drill as a teacher, is that on some level you do know. You don’t aspire to martyrdom; you’ve never wanted to be a hero. You go home every night to a family that loves you, and you intend to spend the next fifty years with them. You will do everything in your power to hide yourself in that office along with your kids.

But if you can’t.

If you can’t.

.

When people tell me about why they oppose gun control, I can’t hear it anymore.

I’m from a part of the country where everybody has guns. I used to be really moderate about this stuff, and I am not anymore.

I can’t be.

Every day, I go to work in a building that contains hundreds of children. Every single one of those kids, including every kid that makes me crazy, is a joy and a blessing. They make their parents’ lives meaningful. They make my life meaningful. They are the reason I go to work in the morning, and the reason I worry and plan when I come home.

Parents usually know a handful of kids who are the most wonderful creatures on the planet. I know a couple thousand. It is an incredible privilege, and it is also terrifying. The world is big and scary, and I love so many small people who must go out into it.

So when adults tell me, “I have the right to own a gun”, all I can hear is: “My right to own a gun outweighs your students’ right to be alive.” All I can hear is: “My right to own a gun is more important than kindergarteners feeling safe at school.” All I can hear is: “Mine. Mine. Mine.”

.

When you are sitting there hiding in the corner of your classroom, you know.

The alternative would be unthinkable.

.

We live in a country where children are acceptable casualties. Every time someone tells me about the second amendment I want to give them a history lesson. I also want to ask them: in what universe is your right to walk into a Wal-Mart to buy a deadly weapon more important than the lives of hundreds of children shot dead in their schools?

Parents send their kids to school every day with this shadow. Teachers live with the shadow. We work alongside it. We plan for it. In the event.

In the event, parents know that their children’s teachers will do everything in their power to keep them safe. We plan for it.

And when those plans don’t work, teachers die protecting their students.

We love your children. That’s why we’re here. Some of us love the subject we teach, too, and that’s important, but all of us love your kids.

The alternative would be unthinkable.

.

When you are waiting, waiting, waiting for the voice to come on over the PA, telling you that the drill is over, you look at the apprehensive faces around you. You didn’t grow up like this. You never once hid with your teacher in a corner, wondering if a gunman was just around the corner. It is astonishing to you that anyone tolerates this.

And the kids are nervous, but they are all looking to you. You’re their teacher.

They know what you didn’t know, back when you were a kid, back before Columbine. They know that you love them. They know you will keep them safe.

You’re their teacher.

.

If you are a parent who thinks it’s totally reasonable for civilians to have a house full of assault weapons, and who accepts the blood of innocent people in exchange for that right, it doesn’t change anything for me. I will love your kid. I will treat you, and your child, the same way I treat everyone else: with all of the respect and the care that is in me.

In the event, I will do everything in my power to keep your child safe.

I just want you to know what you are asking me to do.

[heartlikeheaven]

Did My Eyeliner Smudge Or Is That Just My Eye Bags

an ongoing saga

#lmao #personal #im a loser #help my sleep schedule is really messed up

[heartlikeheaven]

Will I ever look normal in food pictures???

Answer: No.

PC: @graceinpearl

#lmao im such a dork #im still alive guys

[heartlikeheaven]

when cute TA is your TA again this semester 👀👀👀

[heartlikeheaven]

let’s play a game called, Do I Like You Or Am I Just Bored

#i win #hahahahahaa why am i like this #personal

[heartlikeheaven]

my roommate this semester just came back from abroad and she now has a  hot finnish boyfriend???? wtf i want a hot finnish boyfriend

#personal

[heartlikeheaven]

Boi I'm happy you posted on here again :') so *shakes fist* happy

HAHA honestly it’s a big surprise to me too. I feel like at the rate I’ve been going I might as well delete my Tumblr, but the prospect makes me kind of sad??? Hopefully I’ll start actually putting content up here.

[heartlikeheaven]

I’ve been in a weird funk today but I wanted to share something -- I came back to school a week early with my a cappella group for a service week around the Boston area. Today we were street singing and a crowd gathered. As we finished up a song, a man who had been asking for spare change came up to us and said, “If y’all are taking donations I want to give you a dollar, I don’t got much but I wanna give this to you.”

It struck me so hard--that story about the woman who didn’t have much to give but gave all she had as an offering. I want to cry but also that might be because I’m sleep deprived, but y’all, I’m so touched by this man, whose name I don’t even know.

#personal

[heartlikeheaven]