Another sneak peek from my upcoming Levi x fem!reader headcanon
You couldn't shake the feeling that you didn't deserve this, that everything would crumble down, letting misery and sadness flood back again.
You saw Gabi looking at you, a worried expression on her face, "Y/N? Are you okay?"
Even Falco has stopped talking, a similar worry on his eyes "You don't like the stew?"
You gulped. The dread you felt climbing up your throath was slowly ebbing away.
You survived, you were here with people who cared about you.
You were not alone.
"Aha... no, it's fine," you croacked, smiling at the kids. Levi was staring at you as well, but you weren't able to held his gaze for long. It seemed to understand what has passed through your mind and you felt embarassement warming your face.
Don't look at me like that, I don't want anyone's pity.
"And the stew is delicious. Thank you, Falco."
-----
Later on, when the kids came back to their home, you sat down on the couch, reading a book.
You heard Levi approaching the living room, the ritmic tap of his cane stopping at the doorstep. You lifted your eyes from the page and, for some reason, he looked hesitant.
He opened his mouth once, then closing it, as if what he wanted to say eluded him. He limped near the couch, sitting on the other end away from you.
"Y'know..." he tapped his index on the handle of the cane "You don't have to do that."
"Do... what exactly?" You asked, careful not to sound too defensive. He turned his face to look at you, the light of the lamp casting a warm hue on his features. You have noticed that his blind eye was particulary sensitive to the sunlight. You have seen him squinting when you were outside with Onyankopon and the kids two days ago.
He didn't looked bothered by it right now, thankfully.
"Be cheerful like that."
You frowned "Uh? Should I be... miserable instead? Levi I don't know what you're talki..."
"No, wait I..." he tsked, lifting his hand "it came out wrong. What I wanted to say is: you don't have to pretend that you are fine if you are not."
You stayed silent. The old you, the one before the Rumbling, would have deflected his worry with a pleasant façade and a bubbly demeanor. Right now, that girl was chained somewhere deep within you, stunned in her numbness, unable to hide what you truly felt.
"I... I wasn't..." you held your breath for a second, before exhaling " I used to be able to find the positive aspects of everything once. To push forward without thinking much about..." you gestured vaguely "This."
Levi placed his cane to the side, making himself comfortable, leaning back on the couch with a grunt "A lot happened since then. Doesn't mean you should act in a way to make others feel better if you are not."
"Mh. I feel like I don't deserve any of this... not when many others didn't have the same luck."
"You have fought for this life, it wasn't luck. And many lives keep on walking on this earth for the same reason" he lowered his voice "don't do this to yourself, regretting things out of guilt and smothering your feelings won't do you any good."
Your eyes burned but your chest felt lighter, like the weight that crushed your lungs during dinner was suddenly lifted from your body. You sniffed. The book forgotten in your lap.
"I guess you are right. It's just... not easy."
"If it was, we wouldn't be here talking about it."
You snorted "Always the pragmatic, Captain?"
"I mean, you would be with Armin and the others. And... not here."
Oh.
"I don't know about that. But of one thing I'm sure..." you shifted closer, Levi stiffened a bit by your sudden movement but he regarded you with a tinge of confusion "This is the place I want to be regardless of everything. I'm not cut to be an ambassador and despite everything I love being here with the kids, Onyankopon and you. And you may not believe that, but I'm at peace here. I feel like I'm starting to piece my life together."
You placed your hand on his: it twitched, like he wanted to slip away, but in the end you felt the muscles relax. You knew he hated to show his missing fingers, let alone allowing others to touch the area. In your haste you didn't realize it, but to your surprise he squeezed gently and you smiled at him.
"I'm glad." His voice conveyed the same kindness, low and pure. The mellow light of the lamp made the sharp edges of his figure more round, almost youthful.
The eyes... has anyone ever seen this part of him?
As the thought slipped in your mind, the same sensation of three weeks ago came back in your stomach: a buzzing sensation that blurred the edges of everything outside the greyish-blue colour of his iris, the warmth of his skin...
Levi was unmoving. It was difficult to read his face right now. Or maybe it wasn't... because you saw... confusion, yes. Even a smidge of something more profound and vulnerable.
You percived a sense of longing in your chest. A crave for connection. You lowered your eyes to your interwind fingers, just in time to see a current in Levi's other hand that slowly move to cover you, trapping you in an unspoken desire to nearness.
"A-Ah, well, yes. I'm the first to be glad" you slowly but firmly withdraw your hand, and put some distance. Whatever happened, it disappeared like a reflex on the tides. You noticed Levi's expresion closing off again, clearing his throath and crossing his arms, like an armour. He pushed himself farther, like he feared that moment as much as you did.
This tension between you two was something you still didn't understand.
"Well, I'm beat." You streached yourself and got up "Gonna hit off the bed. Do you need me for something?"
"No, get some rest. See you tomorrow" he answered and you hurried toward you room, your heart beating too fast.
I don't know what it was. But I can't allow it out again.
We can't
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A sneak peek of my upcoming Levi x fem!reader headcanon
"My apologize, sir. I didn't mean to cause a ruckus."
You looked down at your fellow soldier, rolling on the floor and groaning, holding his stomach as if it threatened to spill out. You wince, bringing your eyes again on the Captain's
"He... uh... he started to insult me and my comrade. I..."
Levi crossed his arms "And you body slam him onto the table because of it?" He turned to Floch "What did he said?"
Floch was less than thrilled to be dragged into the mess and he shot you a dirty look before answering "He said Wall Sheena's brats shouldn't talk about how hard life is since the Fall of Maria."
It was a pretty sanitized version of the truth, but the core was legitimate. You wince, fuck I'm such an idiot.
"So you hit him because he badmouthed you," his voice was dry as a leaf "that's a pitiful excuse if I've ever heard one."
"Captain, I..."
"You three are soldiers now, not tugs ready to rip each other apart just because your pride is hurt." He lowered his stare to the groaning figure "Get up. I fully expect you all to be this lively in today's training as well." He called for everyone in the room "Everyone out. Start with ten laps around the perimeter."
"Yes, sir!"
"Regarding you three, I hope you don't mind the smell of horse shit, bacause you will shove it around for two weeks." He turned his back to you after your affirmation of the order and you ran outside the mess hall with burning cheeks.
That was humiliating, but serves you right for not thinking things through.
Your first meet with Levi went on like this: as a mumbling brutish idiot who kept on smelling manure on the clothes for the following weeks.
----------
Levi sipped his tea, a little trace of mirth in his uninjured eye "I did not remember that."
"Oh, I did. And I think you are lying." Your legs were stretched out on his lap, your back against the armrest of the couch. He offered you the plate with the cookies and you munched one "I can see you smiling."
He looked at you, a gentle expression on his face "Maybe."
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