gayrockanthem

[gayrockanthem]

Chapter 2. Becoming a louie

A little throwback to November 2020. I saw GayTimes posted a story about a guy in a dress on the Vogue cover. I was like, Oh, wow! I have no idea who he is but that's cool!

Now back to the timeline. March 2021. GayTimes posted about that same guy from the cover winning his Grammy. Now I was curious. I went to YouTube and put 'Harry Styles' in a search bar. I could have never guessed that moment to be a major turning point in my life.

I listened to a couple of his tunes. I watched Sign Of The Times mv. And it stuck. Over the weekend that was the song on repeat in my headphones.

Then YouTube recommended videos like 'Harry Styles being the best human' and 'Harry Styles being Aquarius that he is'. Yeah, that's how you know I fell down the rabbit hole.

I was captivated by the guy. Sweet and hot and charming and cheeky and all these things about Harry.

Soon I discovered that he was in a band called One Direction. In the years they were active I have never heard about them. My only memory of the band was when Zayn left coz that was the kind of news you can't escape even if you want. I also remember his Pillowtalk, it was a hit back then.

Around the time they formed as a band, the more or less stable Internet access only appeared in my life. Before, I had copied some pirated Linkin Park and now I could listen to more of similar music. After years of only mainstream pop from the television, I was very much into heavier stuff. No wonder a boyband marketed for teenage girls went past me. But now, all these years later I was open-minded and intrigued not only by the music but their story as well. And Larry, of course.

I've seen a lot of people share a similar experience of falling down the rabbit hole of hours upon hours online watching, researching, crying their eyes out.

So yeah, this is how I was acquainted with the existence of Louis Tomlinson.

If it wasn't for Louis, I greatly doubt I would go any further than a casual fan. Just as for the lots of others, Harry opened the door but it was Louis who pulled me in.

Chapter 1. Before becoming a louie

There were always ups and downs in my life. 2018-2019 were years when I was truly hopeful. I made a leap toward myself in terms of how I present, the people I surround myself with, and the things I do. It felt like I finally started to live MY life. It was not easy, no! But I was on a roll.

2020 was the beginning of an end.

I had a relationship that ended as fast as it started. I had a job I wanted to quit. And so I did when the quarantine started. But at that time I was already broke. I went back to live with my parent, my gratitude to them for the shelter.

in May 2020, I had what I call a spiritual breakdown. When my physical/material world fell apart, I doubted my beliefs. I figured my worldview, the things I used to believe in and rely on, they don't really work. I felt empty. What's the point of caring for the greater good when I struggle to survive. I went back to basics, pretty primitive for that matter. I downloaded Tinder and soon I went back to the mediocre office job.

In September 2020 I lost my friend. My first friend and my best friend. I didn't have friends at all growing up. We clicked together when I was already in my twenties. The part of me died with him. The significant part of me.

In December 2020 I started another relationship. But my health deteriorated. I generally have good health but then I was hit with one problem after another. Also, this was the coldest winter I have ever had, not in terms of the temperature outside but I was constantly cold which is also not typical for me.

In February 2021 the relationship ended. Just as fast as it started. Just the same as the one I had a year before.

So what do I do now? How do I move on now that I'm so very far from being hopeful as in, say, 2019?

#a louie story #louies #louis tomlinson #harry styles #one direction

[gayrockanthem]

Chapter 1. Before becoming a louie

There were always ups and downs in my life. 2018-2019 were years when I was truly hopeful. I made a leap toward myself in terms of how I present, the people I surround myself with, and the things I do. It felt like I finally started to live MY life. It was not easy, no! But I was on a roll.

2020 was the beginning of an end.

I had a relationship that ended as fast as it started. I had a job I wanted to quit. And so I did when the quarantine started. But at that time I was already broke. I went back to live with my parent, my gratitude to them for the shelter.

in May 2020, I had what I call a spiritual breakdown. When my physical/material world fell apart, I doubted my beliefs. I figured my worldview, the things I used to believe in and rely on, they don't really work. I felt empty. What's the point of caring for the greater good when I struggle to survive. I went back to basics, pretty primitive for that matter. I downloaded Tinder and soon I went back to the mediocre office job.

In September 2020 I lost my friend. My first friend and my best friend. I didn't have friends at all growing up. We clicked together when I was already in my twenties. The part of me died with him. The significant part of me.

In December 2020 I started another relationship. But my health deteriorated. I generally have good health but then I was hit with one problem after another. Also, this was the coldest winter I have ever had, not in terms of the temperature outside but I was constantly cold which is also not typical for me.

In February 2021 the relationship ended. Just as fast as it started. Just the same as the one I had a year before.

So what do I do now? How do I move on now that I'm so very far from being hopeful as in, say, 2019?

#a louie story #louies #louis tomlinson

[gayrockanthem]

I would like to hit a rock bottom to be able to bounce back up again

But all I do is sink deeper and deeper

#depression and shit #existential dread

[gayrockanthem]

I struggle a lot with receiving love. You know, I think that people tolerate me rather than like me, nobody gives a damn shit about me, and if someone happens to say something good about me, it's because they are polite and not because they really think that about me. You know, all this kinda shit.

Last night, I had a dream, I very rarely have dreams at all, and there was one of my favorite humans ever explicitly telling me they love me.

And now, I can't stop thinking about it. It seems, the time has come to address this issue. Gods and Goddesses, please pray for me coz I have no idea where to even start

#is it rejection sensitivity? avoidant attachment? emotionally distant parents in childhood? or whatever is wrong with me?

[gayrockanthem]

Love requires conscious effort.

Hate is easy, almost reflectory. Our brains are focused on negative for survival as it is perceived as potential threat. We are inclined to notice it and comment on it.

Positive is perceived as a baseline, as things should be. Therefore we are very likely to take it for granted. When everything's alright, there's nothing to talk about. Noticing it, acknowledging it, and moreso appreciating it demand the brain for extra work. Conscious effort.

It's worth it though

#love #love-hate #effort #it's worth it all this time

[gayrockanthem]

1D HD

This post is a nerdy Human Desing (HD) analysis of One Direction.

I use some specific lingo and very little explanation. It should make sense whether or not you know what HD is. HD is my special interest, I'd be glad to discuss it so don't hesitate to hit me up for any questions.

Let's go!

Chapter 1. Brief bodygraphs overview

Harry

Energetic type - Manifesting Generator

Here to Create and Initiate out of his body response (when his energy resonates with the task/request/idea)

Channels (fixed energies):

Individual energy - 20-34 power for creative impulses to go straight into manifestation/reality; 1-8 unique self-expression; 2-14 following his own path.

Tribal energy - 19-49 sensitivity and balancing own needs and those of others.

Collective energy - 13-33 reflection, learning from experience, listening and telling stories; 30-41 desires, the energy to know which should be enjoyed as such and which should be fulfilled.

Profile (a role played in this incarnation): 5/1 Heretic/Investigator.

Conscious part 5 (Heretic) is seductive, people project their own qualities on them and believe will be saved by them (or will burn them at the stake otherwise). Subconscious 1 (Investigator) has a need to learn and explore things in depth which requires a lot of reflection and alone time.

5/1 attracts attention including sexual as well as expectations of others. They easily influence people. They need to have a solid basis to form judgments. They are good at generalization and practical solutions.

Louis

Energetic type - Generator

He is here to Create out of the body response (when his energy resonates with the task/request/idea)

Channels:

Individual energy - 10-57 following intuition leads to creating beauty by every taken action; 43-23 genius or freak, insights that should be shared in the right moment to be understood by others.

Collective energy - 29-46 energy to live in the moment and let go of expectations of what life should be.

Profile - 5/1 Heretic/Investigator (see above)

Zayn

Energetic type - Generator

Channels:

Tribal energy - 32-54 transformation of energy into material success with the help of the right partners.

Collective energy - 42-53 the energy of life cycles, once the cycle starts it must finish, if it is interrupted it will repeat again.

Profile - 2/4 Hermit/Opportunist

Conscious 2 (Hermit) is about Talent, passion, and the need for lots of alone time to work on their craft. Subconscious 4 (Opportunist) gets life opportunities from their network.

2/4 is naturally gifted, really thoughtful about their personal space and people they let in. May withdraw from social life but always come back to share their talents. Value independence in their creative process.

Liam

Energetic type - Projector

Here to penetrate into the energy of others, see how it's used and how it can be used better, and guide others.

Channels:

Tribal energy - 37-40 community, the energy to find the right place and people.

Collective energy - 30-41 desires, the energy to know which should be enjoyed as such and which should be fulfilled; 7-31 great leader when elected for the role, democratic leadership; 16-48 talent, energy to achieve mastery through practice and repetition.

Profile - 1/3 Investigator/Martyr

Conscious 1 (Investigator) has a need to learn and explore things in depth which requires a lot of reflection and alone time. Subconscious 3 (Martyr) is all about trials and errors, growth through failures, the need for novelty.

1/3 are adventures and explorers. They easily find what doesn't work be it things, relationships, concepts etc. That's why they are prone to mistakes from which they learn. And move to something new to find what does work.

Niall

Energetic type - Projector

Channels:

Tribal energy - 32-54 transformation of energy into material success with the help of the right partners.

Profile - 4/6 Opportunist/Role Model

Conscious 4 (Opportunist) gets opportunities from their network. Subconscious 6 (Role Model) lives the first 30 years as 3 (Martyr) i.e trials and error, then steps back to process the experience and later shows up again to share their Wisdom.

4/6 is very friendly and has great social skills. They care about the quality of their relationships. They gain Wisdom as they move through life and share it with others. Humanitarian, optimistic, leadership potential.

#one direction #harry styles #louis tomlinson #zayn malik #liam payne #niall horan #human design #it's written in the stars #i love everything astrology/mysticism related #see above as a potential and not as a fact

[gayrockanthem]

Example.

There is this person I know in real life. We talked really closely but mainly on Instagram.

They were going through some challenges in their life and we decided to take some time away from each other in order to not trigger any wounds. It was extremely respectful and well-communicated from both sides. We remain on good terms. If I texted them a little hello today, I'm sure they would be glad to hear from me.

But I won't text. The thing is I stopped using Instagram altogether!!! Dramatic? Pathetic??

I had not been super active on there before, didn't post for a while, just occasionally reacted to stories and caught up with some ppl. During the last 3 months, I opened the application maybe 10 times.

I just can't bring myself to get back there 😩

In conclusion, RSD is a bitch, my coping is isolation, my social connections are the first to suffer at any slightest inconvenience. Yay

Having rejection sensitive dysphoria is wild. I know you didn't mean to hurt me. Your reasons for not answering/reacting certain way are totally valid and in my mind, I understand it. But I can't help feeling rejected.

And the way it fucks up an online presence. Each like/repost/comment triggers dopamine release. It feels good. It's addicting. Validating. But then the next post doesn't get as much engagement. It may not be that good objectively or posted at a less relevant time; fewer people may see it in the feed just by chance or whatnot - there can be many reasons and all are valid. But the feeling... The fucking feeling screams they hate you! you are a useless piece of shit, why don't you perish from the face of the earth?

I know it's not true. I know it's a chemical imbalance in my brain. I know it all but...

I've been on a bunch of different platforms. I posted personal stuff and generalized. I posted actively and posted rarely. I used my real name and went anonymous. I followed and been followed by people I know irl and solely strangers. I engaged a lot and only eavesdroped. I deleted my accounts and created new ones. I started things all over. I tried so many different approaches to social media in hopes of finding one that wouldn't make me feel bad about myself. All I want is to be able to share my thoughts without these crazy mood spikes and drops.

Is it even possible with my emotional dysregulation and rejection sensitivity?

#rsd #rejection sensitivity #rejection sensitive dysphoria #emotional dysregulation #social media

[gayrockanthem]

The irony is I posted this on a social media platform (1) where I have like 3 followers (2) and this post got the most engagement so far (3). I don't know how to feel about it 🫠

Having rejection sensitive dysphoria is wild. I know you didn't mean to hurt me. Your reasons for not answering/reacting certain way are totally valid and in my mind, I understand it. But I can't help feeling rejected.

And the way it fucks up an online presence. Each like/repost/comment triggers dopamine release. It feels good. It's addicting. Validating. But then the next post doesn't get as much engagement. It may not be that good objectively or posted at a less relevant time; fewer people may see it in the feed just by chance or whatnot - there can be many reasons and all are valid. But the feeling... The fucking feeling screams they hate you! you are a useless piece of shit, why don't you perish from the face of the earth?

I know it's not true. I know it's a chemical imbalance in my brain. I know it all but...

I've been on a bunch of different platforms. I posted personal stuff and generalized. I posted actively and posted rarely. I used my real name and went anonymous. I followed and been followed by people I know irl and solely strangers. I engaged a lot and only eavesdroped. I deleted my accounts and created new ones. I started things all over. I tried so many different approaches to social media in hopes of finding one that wouldn't make me feel bad about myself. All I want is to be able to share my thoughts without these crazy mood spikes and drops.

Is it even possible with my emotional dysregulation and rejection sensitivity?

[gayrockanthem]

I used to think that if you listen to one song on repeat you'll hate it and never want to hear it again. What a fool I was!!!

Below are some songs that heavily occupied my head and heart at different times in no specific order. Let's go!

Take Yourself Home by Troe Sivan

Autumn. The best part of autumn when it's still sunny but not hot anymore. Kyiv, my beloved. I'm simultaneously in the heart of the city and on a tiny island by the bank of mighty Dnipro. Golden leaves on the ground. Setting sun paints the edges of the blue sky. Golden hour. The only song in my earphones for at least a week. Warm and cozy. The place I have recently moved in finally turning into Home.

2. Rock Me by One Direction

I'm a newbie directioner. Just fell into the rabbit hole and incessantly consume large amounts of different pieces of content. One is a Harry Styles thirst trap YouTube video with this song as the soundtrack. I used to listen to heavy metal back in the day. The lyrics seemed so cheesy to me. Impossibly cheesy. impossibly catchy! Non stop on repeat till I went to sleep that day. And in the morning here we go again.. Impossible to not fall in love with these boys and vocally it's a treat!

3. Sign Of The Times by Harry Styles

The day I discovered Harry's music. I listened to a couple of songs. And then she came on. I fell on my knees. Knocked down. Defeated. I didn't know then how far this would go but I definitely felt something changed in that moment. She entered my life to turn a page and start a new chapter. She's a treasure. The Gospel to Life!

4. Triste Pra Sempre by Jão

I'm not a god's strongest soldier and some fucked up terrorists #russiaIsATerroristState invading my country triggered the worst and put me through tons of trauma. Numb, low, and lost. I go out. Eu ando pela rua of Barcelona. I try to get out of my head, to feel easier for a moment. Mas eu simplesmente não consigo. And tenho medo de ser só isso minha vida daqui pra frente. I have no idea what Jão was going through when he wrote this song but that evening (and many following) it was me in every line, in every word, in every note.

5. VSF by Jão

You know the feeling when you're so sick and tired you're just like Fuck. It. All. This is the vibe. I barely restrained myself from screaming the lyrics on the metro and in the streets. It rained that day in Barcelona which is quite rare. Like, yes, bitch! Pour it all out! Get it out of your chest.

6. Over Again by One Direction

I didn't restrain myself from screaming the lyrics. Kyiv, my beloved. Winter. The bank of frozen Dnipro. Late evening. (Almost) no people but at that point, I don't give a shit if anyone hears. I do different voices and try to hit the high notes. Cleansing. Refreshing.

7. High In California by Louis Tomlinson

I'm sure office workers can relate to the feeling of getting home from work annoyed, pissed and straight-up mad. Sit down. Deep breath. Louis' beautiful voice on repeat. Light it up. Observe the mind slowing down, releasing the tension. Observe the world becoming a little lighter

To be continued...

#when the song hits right in the spot #on repeat doesn't necessarily mean favorite #or does it #jao #jao romania #jao meu amor #harry and louis i'm sorry you can't separate the two #one direction

[gayrockanthem]

When you've been to hell and back and you kinda have to move on. As long as you are alive you have to move on. Look into the future. Have faith in the future?

What do you do if you don't know what to do with your life? What do you do if you don't know what you want to do with your life?

#faith in the future #or looking into the void

[gayrockanthem]

Having rejection sensitive dysphoria is wild. I know you didn't mean to hurt me. Your reasons for not answering/reacting certain way are totally valid and in my mind, I understand it. But I can't help feeling rejected.

And the way it fucks up an online presence. Each like/repost/comment triggers dopamine release. It feels good. It's addicting. Validating. But then the next post doesn't get as much engagement. It may not be that good objectively or posted at a less relevant time; fewer people may see it in the feed just by chance or whatnot - there can be many reasons and all are valid. But the feeling... The fucking feeling screams they hate you! you are a useless piece of shit, why don't you perish from the face of the earth?

I know it's not true. I know it's a chemical imbalance in my brain. I know it all but...

I've been on a bunch of different platforms. I posted personal stuff and generalized. I posted actively and posted rarely. I used my real name and went anonymous. I followed and been followed by people I know irl and solely strangers. I engaged a lot and only eavesdroped. I deleted my accounts and created new ones. I started things all over. I tried so many different approaches to social media in hopes of finding one that wouldn't make me feel bad about myself. All I want is to be able to share my thoughts without these crazy mood spikes and drops.

Is it even possible with my emotional dysregulation and rejection sensitivity?

#rejection sensitive dysphoria #rsd #emotional dysregulation #adhd #autism #social media #how do I manage social media without feeling shit #how do I manage social life withot feeling shit #how do I manage life without feeling shit

[gayrockanthem]

Being a cishetero person, one doesn't really have to think much, everything has already been thought about and passed down: how you look and what you wear, what you do and how you behave, appropriate choices of partners and careers, even what goals and dreams you have. Sure one can choose but from a rather narrow range of options.

As a person defying cisheteronormativity, one has to establish everything from scratch: do you come out, when/how, how you present yourself, how you communicate with others, what is your role in a relationship, where you fit in a society etc? This calls for self reflection and communication.

Self reflection to identify your needs, values etc and communication with other people to set boundaries and create deep connections are but cornerstones in psychotherapy. Psychotherapy is one of the best tools that are currently available and scientificaly proven to create healthy individuals.

P.S. I'm not here to say that one group of people is better than other or anything. The individuals inside every group vary greatly. I'm saying that some are outcasted by the society and therefore are forced to put extra efforts to move ahead

#the future is gay

[gayrockanthem]

The second worst thing is I lost faith in creativity. I don't believe I can ever create anything meaningful. I don't believe there is a point in creating. Even trying.

I know my brain totally fools me on this but here we are :)

What I hate the most about depression/adhd executive dysfunction is the inability to get/maintain social capital.

When Darkness swallows me, I tend to isolate. I hate that the only thing I have is Darkness and it's not what I want to share. So I cut the connections (significantly limiting even necessary immediate family/flatmates and coworkers).

I can't trust myself to be a good friend, a partner, a team player or moreso a team leader, a parent, etc. It sucks :(

Not to mention the feeling of shame when I'm out of the Darkness and this awkward "Hey, you remember me, right? Do you still want to be my friend?"

#depression

[gayrockanthem]

What I hate the most about depression/autistic adhd burn out is the inability to get/maintain social capital.

When Darkness swallows me, I tend to isolate. I hate that the only thing I have is Darkness and it's not what I want to share. So I cut the connections (significantly limiting even necessary immediate family/flatmates and coworkers).

I can't trust myself to be a good friend, a partner, a team player or moreso a team leader, a parent, etc. It sucks :(

Not to mention the feeling of shame when I'm out of the Darkness and this awkward "Hey, you remember me, right? Do you still want to be my friend?"

#Darkness #depression and shit #for most of my life I thought I'm depressive but it's probably just periods of extremely low energy/executive dysfunction

[gayrockanthem]

❓ Put a price on emotion

❗ Conversation is currency

#harry styles #louis tomlinson #fine line #she is beauty #harry and louis

[gayrockanthem]

As a gender nonconforming person, I don't understand cis. I legit thought people perform assigned at birth gender coz we're taught/forced to. Like we're kinda supposed to be uncomfortable and play pretend/play the role as long as we live. I remember when it occurred to me that cis people do it because they enjoy it. It feels right to them. Comfortable.

It's so weird. How can they like *that*?

On a flip side, I get why cis people don't understand trans. But I will never get why so many of them react to us with hate and violence.

#nonconformity #nonbinary #trans #trans rights are human rights

[gayrockanthem]

I would like to write songs

Or poems

I would like to put my feelings in words

I would like to be bold, brave, and honest

Am I? I fear I am not

#shitpost