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fornshinoyaz · 9 months

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HOW TO: LOSE FEELINGS FOR AN IDIOT

03. HOW TO: BREATHE WHEN HE'S AROUND

series masterlist | previous | next chapter

wc: 4.5k

how to lose feelings for a CERTIFIED, government approved idiot. it should be easy right? wrong. you are absolutely, positively, done for. you have no idea why you’re writing the guide book when you can’t even get past the first step! first step, the only important step really: don’t have your best friend be kei tsukishima. then maybe, just maybe, you’d have a chance.

Something changed between you and Kei Tsukishima. You knew life wasn't static. Change was apart of life. The same way grief, pain, and happiness were too. You were constantly growing and becoming a better version of yourself. Growth was normal for you, but not really for him.

He was a rock. Forever steady, there when you needed him. You were lucky enough to see his past beliefs shake and twist, but Tsukishima himself never changed. Even during your first fight. It was so stupid. You both were stubborn middle school students (the same today, but don't tell). That fight should've broken your friendship.

But it didn't.

Your bond was unbreakable.

Things changed when you left high school. He joined university level volleyball. He had less time for things, you included. Things became absolutely fucked when he got a girlfriend who he (spoilers) also didn't have time for.

Change was normal, but not like this.

You didn't hate it. It wasn’t something you needed to fix; it wasn’t a problem. But you weren’t sure what to do about it. Ignore it? Let it happen? But you couldn't help but sit in your bed and wonder why you weren't rushing to do go after the man who had stolen your heart years ago. Was this not what you longed for years ago?

It was. It is.

But maybe you didn't want to change either.

You don't know what possess you. A demon, a ghost, a space-demon-ghost. You have work tomorrow, and you plan on taking pictures for your photography page. By any metric, you should be asleep right now. It's past midnight. How often was he up past midnight? You tap your fingers together, an anxious habit.

Fuck it.

You call him.

This is silly. This is your best friend of how many years now? Why are you nervous, and sweaty, and oh my god - why is that you can't breathe? Do they make How-To Guides on breathing? Of course they don't. Why would they? You begged your brain to just shut the fuck up.

You fully expect the ring to go on and on, until inevitability you hear his voicemail; "Go away, I don't want to talk to you." and then click. He picks up after the second ring. You blink at your phone and re-check the screen. Maybe you were hallucinating -

"Hello?" His voice is scratchy and deep.

You shiver. "Tsukki?"

"Hm?"

Silence.

"Did you call me to just sit in silence?"

Silence.

"I'm hanging up-"

You jolt upwards in your bed. "Wait, dickhead. I just - didn't know you would pick up."

Now it's his turn to be silent. But you know Tsukki, embarrassment didn't exist to him. He's thinking. You imagine what he looks like. Laying in his bed, or maybe sitting at his desk reading a book. If he's laying down, his glasses are off, maybe his hair is a little messy. You've seen it once or twice, the fluff he wakes up to.

It made you dream of waking up next to him.

"Cool. I picked up. What do you want?"

You swallow. You have no excuse, no reason. You just want to hear him talk.

"Read me a bedtime story?"

"How fucking old are you? Seriously, Y/N. How old."

"You didn't say no."

He sighs on the other line, then shuffles. "I hate you."

He tells you a story. Then another, and then one after that. Your bright screen says two hours the next you look at it. He hates long phone calls.

Yet, he stays.

The bed time stories end, and you might be delirious. It's past two a.m., maybe almost three. What comes out your mouth is no longer your own words, but whatever demons are awake right now.

"Do you believe in the universe?" You ask, voice quiet. A small yawn follows you.

He scoffs, “No, I don’t believe in the fucking universe. Are you high?”

You sigh, and manage to turn in your bed to look up at your ceiling. The low sounds of the city laid outside your windows, but the tall buildings never made seeing the stars easy. So, instead, you put the stars where you could always see them. The stars are there, and in the corner of your eye - the moonlight.

“I think I do. I think that…some things are just, made for you, y’know?”

“No.”

You shake your head, “you don’t believe in anything.”

“No,” he denied swiftly, “I believe in what’s real. Like you and me.”

Your breath stops. You hope he can’t hear that.

“Yeah, me and you."

It sounds too good to be true.

Something else real? You love breaking your own heart.

You fake a yawn this time, "Wow, it's getting late. I think I gotta cut this short. My fish probably needs a walk or something. It’s suffocating in its tiny bowl, I swear.”

A chuckle crackles through the line, a sound you’d come to recognize well. “You’re such a loser."

“You're a bigger one. Bye Tsukki.” you say, and you move back over to your side. Your eyes trace over his contact photo.

“Bye, Y/N.”

The phone clicks. You call him the next day, and he answers.

"Is this gonna be a habit?"

You're in your living room (sort of? also your bedroom, studio apartment things), flickering through the pictures you had taken today. Only thing left was to edit them and post them to your site.

"You don't wanna hear about my day?" you ask.

"Not particularly."

"Bye then-"

He cuts you off.

"Okay, okay. Tell me."

You smile. You grab onto your phone and bring it closer.

"I thought you'd never ask."

Things were definitely changing. It was more than a phone call or two. At first, it was subtle. A gaze held longer than it needed to be, a touch that he should’ve pulled away from.

The next Saturday night found you in Tsukki’s living room, surrounded by your friends in a life-or-death situation. Monopoly. Everyone in the room knew you were the very best at board games. Especially one involving stealing money from idiots.

The room fills with annoyed laughter and groans. Whoever put you and Tsukki together were begging to lose. You smirk. Oh, the taste of victory. You could taste it. You two were unstoppable (why wouldn’t you be?). Kageyama, the sore loser, mutters something about leaving after you bankrupted him. Hinata tells him to shut up, and per usual they end up yelling at each other. It's up to you to call for order.

It didn't last long. You make the winning move. All their property was yours, and so was the game. The room explodes, game pieces and money go flying. Tsukki's coffee table is almost overturned. Monopoly was serious, even for someone like Tsukki. You both jump up. A hard-fought victory deserved a hug.

You go to wrap your arms around him, but he did it first. He hugs you so tight, that you swear you can't breathe (a fatal symptom when being around Kei Tsukishima), and spins. You laugh so hard it reaches your eyes. Then, he releases, and you think it's over.

But then, he holds onto your face, and kisses your forehead—gently, purposeful, like a tall giant. A shock wave goes through you, but he doesn’t even whisper a lick of an apology.

He locks eyes with you. “You’re amazing.”

Oh. Your breath quickens.

"Thanks, I know.” You do what you do best. Deflect. But your mind can't stop hearing him. His words echo through every corner of your brain.

He was driving you mad, and you weren’t the only one noticing it.

The clock struck twelve. You should be finishing your paper. Twelve out of sixteen was your current total. It would be the right thing to sit down, lock in, and focus.

But who decides what's right and wrong?

Not you.

Your paper could have been completed, had it not been for Hinata. But he would not stop calling until you answered. If your professor asks, it's all on him.

It started like this; your sitting at your desk, playing around with your ballpoint pen, when (admittedly) you should be looking over your notes. Turns out, Kageyama and Hinata too, had a paper they should be working on, but decided the night was young and they needed to be out!

You at first, say no, like the considerate future-orientated person you pretend you are. That is, until Tsukishima (who happens to be sitting right next to you on your bed) says two magic words. Let’s go.

Now, you walk through the streets of Tokyo with your favorite people. Your eyes are set on the nearest convenience store. It’s a local beauty, dingy with front lights barely work and weird men who try to sell you things they shouldn't. The greatest place on Earth.

The front sign flickers on and off for a moment, before buzzing in a way that could definitely start a whole store-fire. You and Tsukishima are in matching plaid pajama pants, and you even have a Karasuno volleyball hoodie on. You were not on the team. Hinata smirks when he notices, and whispers (badly) to Kageyama about it.

“She was cold.” is Tsukishima’s excuse. Yeah, right. You owned millions of hoodies—couldn’t you have worn your own?

“Mine are better. Hers are ugly.” he continues.

You scoff. He didn't have to go that far. The cold excuse is enough!

“My hoodies are not ugly. You quite literally have no fashion sense.”

“You’re in denial.” he says.

“You’re lecturing me about denial? Mr. ‘It’s just a club’?” it's a burn that makes Hinata double over in laughter.

“Enough arguing,” Kageyama pushes you forward, a step ahead of the two of them with Hinata who giggles. He quickly shifts you away from the side of the cars.

You grumble, and step over your own two feet before picking up your feet. Tsukishima mumbles something about you having two left feet, and it takes everything in you not to spin around and give him a piece of your mind. He smirks, loving the way your shoulders fall and rise in anger.

He loves the way he gets to you.

“So, Kaggy,” he makes a noise of disgust at the nickname you made up on the spot, “you still texting that one girl?” Hinata’s ears perk up, and Tsukishima looks at him, trying to feign indifference. But you knew him, he wnats to hear the tea just as much you guys did.

“Ha! Kageyama? With a woman!” Hinata barks out, a howl coming out of his lips next makes it even more obnoxious. Kageyama’s face scrunches up, and his laughter is just so infectious that Tsukki can’t help but chuckle. You let out a giggle or two.

“Hinata, last time I checked, your name was NOT Kageyama," you say through a giggle.

“What! I’m not wrong!” Hinata pouted, “I’m not entirely convinced this ‘woman’ exists. I’ve never seen Kageyama talk to a woman before. And I see a lot of Kags, more than I'd like."

Your eyebrow raises. Despite his last comment, he wasn’t that far off. Kageyama was a lost cause when it came to women. He always had been. But, things always change. You saw it in real life, and was sitll shocked. Someone came up to him. She offered him her number, and he freaked out over how to message her.

'Do I just say hey? Is hey weird? Do I say hi instead? Y/N STOP LAUGHING AND HELP ME!'

It was cute, until it had been four whole days and he hadn’t even BEGUN to type a letter. At that point, you stole his phone and did the magic for him. As they texted, it got lighter and easier. Occasionally, at friend hangouts you would see him open his phone and smile, or break away for a moment to send a response back. It was cute, you liked it for him.

“We’re just friends, alright? Nothing more.” Kageyama answers finally, breaking his silence. He kicks a stray rock on the ground, anything to distract from the blood flushing to his cheeks.

“So she does exist!” Hinata’s eyes sparkle like lights on Christmas Day.

“Obviously, idiot.”

You four approach the convenience store and step through the sliding doors. Bells jingled above your head. A tired cashier lifts his eyes momentarily, but seeing you all, becomes uninterested and goes back to looking at his phone. The hum of the fridges calls out to you, ice cream. You need to stop, at this point it was an addiction.

It is as if Tsukki can read your thoughts, and looks down at you with a shake of his head.

“Don’t do it.”

“Don’t tell me what to do,” you hiss back.

“Fine, don’t blame me when your shitting all night.”

“I’ll shit in your mouth.”

“Guys, we’re in public,” Kageyama has to remind, but neither of you care much, and the cashier just frowns as he scrolls through his social media.

You mingle around the shelves, going from packaged ramen, to udon, to spicy and sweet chip bags, to candy filled bags. Hinata and Kageyama whisper around about something, but your eyes search for your favorite candy.

Why the hell isn’t it here?

You frown, and circle the aisle once and then twice. You do it a third time, just to make sure you haven't lost your mind. You almost give up, but then you see one package left—but of course, it's at the very top of the shelf, all the way on the back of the shelf. Great. You can't ask for help. You just can't.

But at the same exact moment, Tsukki rounds the corner and sees you in your struggle. Tsukki is made of legs, but he will not get it—not without you begging him for it, and you will not.

You hold your nose up at him and then cross your arms. “Yup, nothing I want here.”

You were a terrible liar.

“Ask me. Nicely. Then I’ll do it.” he says, that stupid smirk.

“I’m fine. I’ll starve.”

"Beg."

"No."

He sighs, "Your annoying,” he leans forward, grabs the package, and slaps it into your hand. You lurch forward and grab it before it can fall to the ground.

“If you grew more in fifth grade, you would be able to get it.” Tsukki comments before walking away.

You follow after him with a grumble, “Shut up.”

The four of you reconvene at the center of store. The fluorescent lights flicker above your heads, a cool chill flushes from the vents and you dig deeper inside Tsukki’s hoodie.

Tsukishima has a couple of things in his hands—coffee with a strong bitter smell, his favorite chips (salty like him), banana milk, and a small pack of worm shaped sour gummies. Kageyama and Hinata’s piles looked mostly the same—except that Hinata decides sugar was a great idea at this time of night, and no one can really argue. They all had a paper to finish. Except for Tsukki that is. He finished his two weeks ago.

You hated him.

“Name one girl you’ve spoken to that’s not your mother,” Tsukki says to Kageyama.

You, at the same time, approach the counter. The cashier mumbles a quiet ‘finally’ and begins scanning your items. You bend down at the counter, engrossed by a magazine’s cover. A journalist, one of the best who was an alumni of Karasuno University. You pick it up, and add it to your heap of snacks.

“Your mom.” Kageyama says back to him with a shrug. You and Hinata don’t even try to hide your laughter. The cashier glances to you four in annoyance.

“My mom hates you.” Tsukki mumbles.

You reach into your hoodie pocket, and salvage the coins you had thrown inside. Your fingers flip over the different kinds, before reaching the correct amount. The ritual happens quickly—the cashier takes your change, it’s exact like you hoped, and you tell him to keep the receipt.

“Not as much as she hates you.” Kageyama nips back.

You open your package of candy and plop a couple in your mouth. The cashier seems to lose more and more of his faith in humanity as the insults go on and on. He just wants to go home. He lets out a sigh of relief when the doors hiss close and you four are back in the midnight cool.

“Seriously, Kageyama. What does she look like? Is she pretty?” Hinata asks, as soon as they're back outside. He never lets go, and it makes you laugh. Once Hinata was curious, there was no way of shutting him down. Eventually you would have to tell him the truth, and the whole one at that.

“He’s not gonna tell you.” Tsukki says. This time, he’s walking beside you, and steals a small candy from your bag.

“Why not?!” Hinata whines.

“You talk too much, I tell you and then suddenly the whole team will know.” Kageyama answers.

You hum, been there done that. “True. Like Tsukki’s ex.”

The words come out quicker than you can realize. Shit. That was a mistake. The four of you go dead quiet, and your eyes quickly flash to the boy next to you. You expect him to shut down, maybe do that sad Tsukki thing with his eyes.

But nope. He just reaches into your bag again, another candy. He’s completely unmoving. It has been almost a whole year, but you know breakups were a touchy subject. You and Tsukki talk about it rarely, but it was in the background of everything. You saw her influence in many things he did.

How he rejects the advances of girls at your school, how his face shifts when he sees Daichi and his girlfriend after practice. It’s a sting from a wasp that just never died. But maybe, just maybe, the pain had become tolerable? You are not often wrong.

“Hinata’s a loud mouth. Always will be.” A classic Tsukki response. You grin. Tolerable. That was better than nothing.

You interject, rejoining the conversation with a playful grin. “Come on, Kageyama, give them a little hint..”

Kageyama crosses his arms defensively. “Weren’t you suppose to be on my side, Y/N?”

Tsukishima shakes his head. “Y/N’s on the side that pays her.”

“Right,” you nod.

Kageyama eyes you both dangerously. You know something slick is going to come out of his mouth. He can't help himself. “Tsukki, you pay her?”

You rub the back of your neck. Ah. Tsukki rolls his eyes.

“Please shut up."

The walk back to your apartment is quiet, a calm against Kageyama and Hinata constant push-and-pull. They leave first, they live on the opposite side of you, closer to campus. You make sure to steal one of Hinata's pretzels before he goes.

It's always you and him. Walking together, past midnight.

Your heart is pulling you towards him; your shoulders brush once, and then twice, and he says nothing. On the third time, he bumps your shoulder back. You smile. You shut your mouth, because it’s late, and you’re tired, and this isn’t the time to be saying anything you'll regret.

The paper is done. 1/2 of your project. The other half? A presentation. You hate this shit. You push through. You didn't even stutter once. You can see how proud Tsukki is. But now, it's time for closing remarks.

Your eyes dart around the room. From the clock, to your laptop, to your best friend. Tsukki wore a slight smirk on his face. You knew what that meant. But he wouldn't, the presentation is almost over, you are almost in the clear.

As your group mate say their closing remarks, you hear the dreaded phrase. You stiffen when his hand slowly rises. He sucks. You almost want to bark to your groupmate, don’t, but you imagine your teachers angry deducting points from your final grade.

“Yes, Tsukishima?” You have to force out. Suck it up. You can hear a couple of stifles of laughter in the classroom. They knew he was about to waste your time. Your fingers impatiently tap on your skin, something he notices with only a quick glance.

“Uh, yes. I think I’m still a little confused. Can you give a more in-depth example of how you would use aerodynamics in this situation, Ms. Y/N? Sorry, it’s just what you were talking way too fast, I didn't catch it all.”

He was such an ass.

You bare your teeth, and force a nod. “Of course. So, aerodynamics…”

The presentation goes on for a record seven minutes after. You want to ignore him so bad, and at first you do this successfully. You could breathe now, easily.

As class dismisses, you walk straight past his desk, and he follows you down the steps of the building, and onto the main campus. He's like a bed bug that never leaves, even if you set the whole damn building on fire.

But this is Tsukki, he's done way worse, but he knows you were hungry and needed to be in the dining hall as soon as the clock struck 10. Yet, he still chose to be the normal dickhead he is.

“You know you can’t stay mad at me forever,” he says as you round the corner to your dining hall. You turn around to meet his eye and frown, to make it known that you CAN, but then...his stupid smile. You almost crack. A strong almost.

“You wanna bet on that?” you settle for, and quickly turn around before you can change your mind.

Tsukishima sighs. He jumps into your peripheral vision and drops his arm around your shoulder, pulling you closer. His smell, woody and fresh, meshes well with the scent of old rain and coffee from the university students around you.

You look up at him. His jaw, his slight smile. This is too comfortable, being like this with him. You would’ve thought just from looking at you two, that you were a couple. The thought makes you want to die. In another universe maybe, or two.

For now, you didn't think about what universe you guys could've gotten together in. Instead, you enjoy the moment.

Your campus is as quiet as it gets. The large buildings, and their large glass panes should suck you both in, but you're in your own world. Several people whisper as you pass, ‘isn’t that Kei?’ they ask. It’s like they are tearing apart every part of you; the way you dress, the way you walk, the way you look. You forget sometimes that he’s ‘popular’ on campus. All of the volleyball guys were. All the eyes on you make you lean closer to him, and Tsukishima’s grip tightens.

He didn't pay any of the eyes on him any mind, he just focuses on you.

“Y/N,” he says in that annoyingly childish way that’s reserved for you. He knew how to tick you off—and if it were legal, you would’ve killed him right there, “Look, I’m sorry, but how could I resist?” he smiles and that ticks you off more, even if he's beautiful.

“I hate you, more than I hate aerodynamics.”

“Stop saying you hate me. You don’t.”

You really do hate him and you would never stop saying it; it's because of how nonchalant he is as you walk through your dining hall. How he ignores every women’s eye; every question that’s flung in his direction. You feel this way because through every bicker, every walk home, every moment he fills your life with so much happiness you know it would never amount to anything. Nothing you could see. Nothing that was real.

You and him? That wasn't real. Not in the way it was for Tsukishima. To him, you are the little girl he met at the sandbox. He would never be yours.

At the end of the night, all you can do is dream. You dream of a world where Tsukki knows, and he loves you as something more than his stupid childhood best friend.

You think about being more than his secret-holder and his unmoving rock. You want to finally know what it means to kiss the soft lips of Tsukki, to have his fingers dance around your waist and squeeze you so tight you couldn’t breathe, to wake up next to him and hug more than your own shoulders.

Fuck Kei Tsukishima.

Your lungs ache.

Monday morning is spent without him, and so is Tuesday. Then the day after that, and the day after that one. It isn’t something new, this routine. This is how you two were. But not recently. Being around him..was nice. But did you really think it was going to last forever?

The calls go from everyday, to him hearing the sound of your voicemail.

You take a sip of your latte, and try to focus on Yamaguchi’s words that are becoming harder and harder to listen to. For whatever reason, the universe, or whatever was out there likes torturing you. You can't get the guy once, and now you can't get him twice. It was like someone took the fork inside of Yamaguchi’s muffin and stabbed you right in the heart. He’s so blonde, and so stupid, and is sitting on a bench next to a water fountain with someone who looks nothing like you.

That was his type. It burns, much more than the hot coffee flowing down your throat. You down a scary amount of coffee that makes Yamaguchi stop in his tracks.

“You two make me sick. You have to tell him.” he says, and you finally look away from the scene.

“No, I don’t, actually. Can we focus on studying, please?”

You’re a hypocrite. He scoffs. You know it. Like you weren’t just staring down both of them for a solid ten minutes.

“He’s not dating her. You know? Says he doesn’t believe in love anymore.”

It hurts. You pretend it didn't.

“So, why would you tell me to tell him?”

Yamaguchi looks at you. He’s serious. Possibly the most serious you’ve ever seen him.

“You’re different. You can pretend you aren’t, but I know it and you know it. Ever since the sandbox.”

The butterflies in your chest flutter painfully.

“Focus, yeah?”

Yamaguchi sighs. “Yeah. One day, you’ll get sick of this shitty game.”

Then, that one day happens. It’s friday night. A long time ago, you guys made a tradition to spend friday nights together.

But not today, you made up some sort of excuse. Project tomorrow!

He didn’t question you the first three times, but the fourth he didn’t allow. You’re freshly out of a shower. You wipe the steam off the mirror in your bathroom, and double check your phone. A text? No, scratch that. Multiple text messages. At least twenty. Most of them are threats. Your eyes staple on the most important ones.

tsuk tsuk (lol): stop fucking ignoring me

tsuk tsuk (lol): i asked yamaguchi he said u had no project due

tsuk tsuk (lol): be straight up w/me if i did something to offend ur sensitive ass

tsuk tsuk (lol): y/n?

tsuk tsuk (lol): ur always on ur phone so ik ur reading this

tsuk tsuk (lol): did u get u a bf? is that y ur ignoring me?

tsuk tsuk (lol): nvm i don’t care. he can die too.

tsuk tsuk (lol): i’m coming over. unlock the door idiot

What the actual fuck. You’re in shock, and in his hoodie, when he appears at your front door. He’s not amused.

a/n: a bit of a cliffhanger hehehehehehhe i'm sorry i couldn't help myself :))) i enjoyed writing this even if it took the longest omg. lmk your thoughts on the chapter !!!! also yes the pic change was purposeful, colorful ver now hehe

taglist !!! @kei-tsuki21 @marga-j @xxizuchanxx @horr0rvacu1 @lavenderhotcoco @sami-stable @awkwardaardvarkforever @rorygilmoreclown @rachlubsuu @sixxze @lonelyladyghost @kurenix @nemisimp @doofusthebozo @scarred-keys @yenqa @zenilili @dani-shitting-around @carolineesnell @annonymoose

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fornshinoyaz · 9 months

Text

HOW TO: LOSE FEELINGS FOR AN IDIOT

02. HOW TO: NOT GET HIT BY A VOLLEYBALL

series masterlist | previous | next chapter

wc: 4.9 nearly 5k omg

You had a problem. That was unusual. You were usually the one fixing everyone elses shit. That wasn't the case now. Tsukki, this time, decided he was going to fix it.

“Is Y/N here?”

He appears before Kimura Hikari like a ghost. Her grip tightens around the large stack of books she's carrying. She nearly drops every single one of them in her spook.

Hikari stumbles backward, her voice trembling. “Oh! Hi! Uhm, K-Kei, right? Y/N’s friend?”

Tsukishima’s cold eyes sweep down to your struggling friend, “Mhm. Kimura? Y/N’s here, isn’t she?”

From the way you described him, Hikari would’ve expected him to be like a bundle of flowers, but he’s more like a bundle of rocks. Dead, serious, and with not a single care for anyone. His deep frown made shivers run down her spine. His gaze shifts from Hikari to the series of study rooms behind her. He’s sure you have to be in one of those, and if you aren’t, he’s going to have a few words with you. Not only would you have wasted his time (more than you already have), but you would’ve lied to him about putting in the work to pass your exams. He’s not sure which one would piss him off more.

Hikari fidgets nervously, struggling to balance the books as she points to one of the rooms. “Right in that one! #15!”

Tsukishima’s face flashes with annoyance. Really? You had to pick the farthest room? His body is still a little sore from conditioning yesterday. He gives Hikari a small nod of thanks. He isn’t rude, at least not to people he’s just met.

Yamaguchi once told him he’d changed a lot since high school, in more ways than one. Tsukishima figures your influence would’ve gotten to him one day.

Hikari fidgets herself away, mumbling about how he wasn’t what she was expecting. Tsukishima hums, so you talked about him.

You’re neck-deep in your notes when the door to your study room slams open. You know it can’t be Hikari being that rude. She’s sweet and gentle, always whispering for your attention before even blurting out a curse. But Tsukishima? He’s known you too long to bother with the polite stuff.

He kneels against the doorway, his hand open, and before you even realize, he hurls your light blue lunchbox straight at your head. You let out a pained shriek, clutching your aching head, and he responds with an annoying laugh.

Glaring up at him, you rub your temples. “Thanks, dickface.”

Tsukishima rolls his eyes at you and lets out a theatrical sigh, pretending to be affected by you, but the glint in eyes betrays his facade—he’s loving this. What an ass.

“I told you to stop leaving your things in my apartment. Especially ugly things.” He replies, taking a step forward into the quiet room. You spent a lot of your time here, relentlessly preparing for your future. It wasn’t something you were the most fond of—the constant studying, the nonstop day to day grind. You preferred being with your friends or taking pictures in the city, to being bogged down in your books. His interruption only made this more unbearable. You were not gonna be able to focus.

Sunlight filtered through the large glass panes, showcasing your friendly chaos of textbooks, study materials, and stationary tools. The usually neat desks are thrown across the room, in favor of your own sleep-deprived design. Hikari’s bright purple book bag leaned against one of the desks. Her side of the room was much neater, with organized tools and textbooks sitting in a circle. Though you both have different approaches, it didn’t matter much, as both of you equally compete for the spot of top student at Karasuno University.

“And I told you to stop showing up where I am unannounced. You almost gave me a heart attack!” You chide. If there was one thing Tsukishima knew how to do, it was interrupt your day. He knew you would stop everything when he came, and it drove you mad.

“Good.” Tsukishima snorts, making you frown. He takes several steps towards you. He's way too tall, it makes you want to cut his legs off with a pair of scissors. He squints down at the sheet of paper in front of you. You instinctively cover your work, already knowing how he gets. But it’s already too late. He’s seen everything he needs to see. Your nose scrunches up as the next words fall out his lips.

“You’re gonna fail the exam. Your notes are wrong.” Tsukishima says, pushing his glasses back up the bridge of his nose.

You’re not taken aback by his bluntness; you’ve known him for too long for that. But you are taken aback by the fact that he thinks it’s wrong?! You’ve been working tirelessly for five whole hours! This man, stupid blonde man, can just walk in here, take a split look, and decide the whole thing is wrong?!

Your eyebrows furrow and your grip tightens on the sheet of paper. “What do you mean it’s wrong?” You rumble, shooting up from the desk.

Tsukishima takes this as his sign to be even more of a dickhead. He turns around and slams the door of your study room behind him, without a single word. You hated him sometimes. Most of the time actually.

Inside the room, you let out an annoyed huff, and while outside, Tsukishima shakes his head. You’re always so forgetful and stupid. While he’s going to graduate on time, you’ll be a whole semester late if you keep this up! All because you never pay attention to him when he dumbs-down very simple problems.

On the other hand, you hate how Tsukishima always has to have the last word, and worse, that he’s always right! It was like his own super-power. It’s infuriating. You hate it.

You wind the door open so fast and strong, your fingers nearly fly off, and the door makes a loud bang as it hits the other side of the wall. Tsukki narrows his eyes on the new dent you surely left, then on your hot-and-bothered face.

“Y/N, are you mad?” he asks. Whatever smart remark he was going to make is overturned by a smirk.

Tsukki has a way of triggering the worst out of you, especially in moments like this. It was the condescension that dripped in his voice. Sometimes, it feels like he reserves the worst treatment for you. But, you know what? It’s mutual, because he’s infuriatingly always right. I mean screaming in a library, how low could you get?

“YES! I’M MAD! FIRST YOU CALL MY LUNCHBOX UGLY, WHICH I SPENT A LOT OF MONEY ON BY THE WAY! AND THEN YOU CALL ME STUPID AND YOU DONT EVEN OFFER TO HELP!”

Tsukishima winces at the sheer volume of your voice. The entire library seems to look up at you both, and the librarian’s frown deepens. She looks like she’s ten seconds from coming over and whacking you both with every single edition of War and Peace.

“You’re screaming. in a library. Y/N. Do you want to get kicked out?” He asks with a hushed tone.

You glance around, offering sheepish apologies to the annoyed students trying to not fail their exams. But it doesn’t matter, because it’s not your fault!

“Come here!” You spit out. Tsukki groans fills the room as you launch him back inside the room and shut the door (softly) right after you.

Now he’s leaned against the table you’re working at, staring at you in disinterest as you explain how you're correct and he’s just wrong. Hikari waltzes back into the room and opens her mouth to say something, but stops in her tracks when she sees you both. He doesn’t spare her a second glance, and really neither do you. You’re both preoccupied.

And this is how you two were. It was why you were forced out of the manager position of the Boys Volleyball Club when you were in high school. Tsukki could never focus up with you there. Neither of you could stand not having the last word.

“When I tell you why you’re wrong, I want you to get on your knees and apologize for being difficult and wasting my time,” Tsukishima says with a huff.

You scoff, disbelief coloring your tone. “Excuse me?” you ask as he walks over to your side of the table.

“You heard me,” he replies. You almost bite out a response, but fuck—your breath catches in your throat. You swear, he does this on purpose.

Tsukishima hunches over you, his fingers meticulously correcting your mistakes. He’s not doing anything wrong, nothing out of the ordinary for you two. But this time it feels different.

Your heart pounds in your ears. It’s too loud. His proximity is unnerving. You can feel the warmth of his body, scalding and burning, as if colliding with your own. It’s hard to concentrate with him so close. His leans into your neck. Your breath hitches. His hands trap you.

Your eyes linger on his forearms, and you can’t help but notice how much he’s grown since high school. He’s stronger, taller, all muscle. Before, a twig could’ve beat him at an arm wrestling match.

You try to focus on anything else. But he makes it so damn difficult. His scent is everywhere you turn - woody and fresh like he just came out of a shower. He’s intoxicating.

For a moment, neither of you knows how to break the silence. You yell at yourself to stop, to not give in.

But you’ve never been one to hold back.

You steal a quick glance at him, taken away by how pretty he looks in the soft light. There’s something about this moment that makes you want to freeze time and stay in it forever. To just forget about the world around you.

The gentle hum of the room and Tsukishima’s soft clearing of his throat finally pulls you back.

“Focus,” he reprimands, his voice breaking the spell.

You give him an annoyed side-eye, trying desperately to hide the way he affects you. He slaps down your pencil, just to be even more annoying, and leans backward, that familiar smirk on his lips.

“Now look,” he continues, “I was right, you were wrong. Save us both the time and admit it now.”

“I’m not admitting anything,” you grumble. He really was right. You had completely forgotten a step, messing up the whole problem. You groan in frustration, but that only seems to amuse him further. Your pain is melody to his ears.

“Admit it,” he says again, stronger this time.

You glare up at him, the weight of defeat settling in. This sucks. His smirk is infuriating, yet somehow you love it at the same time.

“Eat shit,” you say, lacking any real conviction.

Tsukki knows he’s won, even if you don’t say anything, and that’s enough to satisfy him. He gives you a small wave, and you roll your eyes, but can’t help but wave goodbye as the door to the study room clicks shut behind him.

Hikari’s high pitched voice reminds you that she was there all along.

“Woah?! What was that?!” She asks.

“What was what? Spit it out, Hikari.”

“That tension was crazy! Are you serious?” Hikari laughs, as if she can hardly believe it.

You sigh, waving off her comments. “Stop. Let’s just focus on this, okay?”

“Okay, okay, focusing,” Hikari nods, going back into her books. You think for a moment, she had truly dropped the subject.

For five minutes, you're left with peace and quiet. But it’s not in Hikari’s nature to resist asking about a million questions.

“Okay, but did he come all the way here just to drop off your lunchbox?”

“Hikari..?”

“Sorry! Last question!” she squeaks, “but seriously, did he?”

You looked down at the item that been thrown at your FACE and shake your head. You tell Hikari, “It’s nothing, he just doesn’t like clutter,” and you know she’ll believe it.

Step two, of how to: 'lose feelings for a certified, government approved idiot', is DENY DENY DENY. And it'll work. For the first few times.

After all, Hikari didn’t know him like you did. It’s true; he hates clutter and loves organization. He can’t stand a dirty house. But it didn’t make sense for him to spend his own precious time just to return your lunchbox. If it were anyone else, Tsukki would’ve probably thrown it out or eaten whatever was inside and called it a day.

But for you, he went out of his way. Why?

Because he hated seeing you go without meals. He’ll waste his own precious time, something he didn’t have much of, just to make sure you could eat. It was love packaged in his own Tsukki way.

At some point, you were gonna have to stop denying your feelings for him.

But that wouldn’t be any time soon.

As the only girl in a group full of guys, it got hard sometimes, especially when it came to introducing your friends to Hikari.

Kageyama, of course, was surprised, and asked in the most serious voice, “You have other friends?" It made you want to kill him. Nishinoya and Tanaka couldn’t help but flirt with her, acting like they had never spoken to a girl in their lives. But the most annoying part was how nice Tsukishima was to Hikari. It pissed you off more than you’d like to admit.

With your exams done, the yearly volleyball tournament was slowly approaching. The pressure was on, and class rankings were released. You couldn’t help but feel frustrated when you saw your name at the #2 spot. Guess who claimed the top spot? Yeah, no need for an explanation. Of course, it was him—unbelievable as always.

The whole university was decorated with banners flying as you arrived on campus with Hikari. Tons of faces you’d never seen before filled the gym, taking up space in the visitor’s section.

Hikari’s eyes sparkles like stars.

She excitedly looks from stand to stand, “Wow! I’ve never been to a volleyball game before! Where’s Karasuno?”

You chuckle, finding her reaction adorable. “You’re gonna love it. They’ll be out soon. They take forever to get dressed.” Forever was an understatement. There were several instances where Hinata went missing (taking a shit) and no one could figure out where he was.

Just as you say that, the doors to the boys’ locker room opened. The gym filled with cheers as they came out. Some girls drop dead at the sight of them. They were good-looking volleyball players, you give them that. But if only they knew how many of them were huge dorks. Hinata is full of power and energy. He is the first to set his hands on the ball. Kageyama set it to him, per usual, and they freak out the whole gym. Hikari’s jaw drops in amazement.

You chuckle and close her mouth for her, “They call it the Freak Quick Attack.”

“It’s definitely freaky! How is Kageyama so good?” Hikari asks.

You shake your head, “He’s a monster. All of them are crazy talented. Even blondie,” your eyes set on him. His usual stoic look lays on his face as they went through their drills. You could hear whispers from the visitor section about him, ‘does he even wanna be here?’ and others that ask, ‘why is he so tense?’ It’s laughable.

“Are you sure he likes volleyball?” Even Hikari questions as she watches him run (barely) around the court.

You snort, “That kid? Yeah. No doubt in my head. There was a time he didn’t, but now, he’s hooked for life.”

Your eyes glance to the shot-clock. The boys were finishing their drills. There was no better time than now. You tell Hikari you would be right back and then leave the stands, walking down their side of the court. The older boys - Daichi, Suga, and Asahi give you friendly smiles, your presence as always strengthening them on the court. Kageyama and Hinata are wrapped up in their own world, preparing for the game.

Tsukishima is off on the side with Yamaguchi. He glances your way as you approach, raising an eyebrow at your interruption. You ignore his annoyed expression and greet Yamaguchi with a soft smile.

“Hey Yams, good serves today?” You say.

Yamaguchi sets down his water bottle and smiles brightly, “Only the best!”

“They always are,” Tsukishima says with a small nod of acknowledgment to his other best friend, and then his eyes settle on you, “you brought Hikari?” he asks.

You ignore the slight pang in your chest. It’s nothing. Hikari is your friend, and so is Tsukishima. Why should you care that he’s asking about her? You should be happy that he likes your friend. You try to push it out of your mind, but Yamaguchi’s knowing expression serves as a painful reminder that you do care—and it sucks.

Yamaguchi knew everything. He knew from the moment you went to him freaking out about your feelings, and how they weren’t going away. It had been years since that conversation, and nothing had changed.

“Yeah, uh,” you clear your throat uncomfortably, “she’s never seen you guys play. Thought I’d invite her.”

Tsukishima hums, but that seems to be where his interest in her ends.

“I hope Hikari enjoys it! I’ll make sure to do hit double the serves for her!” Yamaguchi says, drilling innocence and light back into the conversation and lifting your mood.

You smile. He always knew how to make you feel better. “I’ll tell her the game plan. Fight well guys I-“

You don’t get to privilege of finishing you sentence because a volleyball comes throttling straight at your face. Huh. For a problem-solver, you often ended up on the wrong side of many problems. Yamaguchi shrieks as the ball takes you out like a bowling pin. You go flailing to the floor. Ow.

Yamaguchi rushes over, eyes full of concern. “Y/N!! Woah!! Are you hurt?”

You manage to give him a thumbs-up, even though your nose feels like it's about to fall off. “Yup! All good! Totally did not get hit by a ball going at 500mph...”

Tsukishima, who witnessed the whole thing, seems more amused than concerned. “You alright down there?” he asks, failing to stifle his laughter.

You groan, wincing as you touch your sore nose, “Tsukishima..please..?”

“Okay, okay,” he says and reaches for you. You gasp as he lifts you up and back onto your feet. You land closer to him than you would like and your face flushes (from your recent accident, of course haha nothing else).

He looks over you for any injuries. “Are you good?”

“Y-Yeah,” you want to cringe at your own stutter, “completely fine.”

Tsukki didn't miss the tremble in your voice. “You sure?”

“Mhm,” you hold each other’s gaze for a second longer than necessary. Yeah, no. You quickly avert your eyes from his and back to the crowd where Hikari is waiting. It’s like he already knows what you’re thinking and nods. It was a freaky thing you guys did from time to time. It was just like you guys shared each others braincells. As you head back up to your seat, worry etches on Hikari’s face.

“That looked nasty, Y/N! Are you okay?” she asks.

You assure her that it was just a minor accident, and you both focus on cheering for your team. The excitement of the game quickly takes over, and you forget about your experience as a professional bowling pin. The match is intense—as usual, Karasuno gives it their all. You expect no less from your friends. Tsukki finds himself in his own little rivalry with another blocker. You can’t help but laugh when Tsukki gets the upper hand and completely dominates. This was the man who they said ‘hated’ volleyball?

In the end, Karasuno wins, taking the whole game by the second set. The gym erupts in applause. The visitors side sighs, sad over their reign being cut so short. Among the boisterous crowd, you swear you’re the loudest, and the way Kageyama and Nishinoya laugh at you only confirms it.

As the team comes over to the stands to greet and thank their supporters, you notice Tsukishima’s eyes searching across the crowd. You wonder for a moment, who is he looking for?

But then, it hits you.

Oh.

Your eyes meet.

He was looking for you.

With a rush of excitement, you cheer even louder. “Yeah, Tsukki!”

A small smile tugs at the corner of his lips, and he gives you a subtle nod, a gesture meant only for you.

After the game, you all come to together to discuss the following moves after. Of course, your friends are beyond starving (nothing new). Hikari is still buzzing with energy and excitement as you guys move from the gym to a nearby BBQ restaurant. Her first volleyball experience was a good one. Not only had she seen a good game, but now, she was the main attention of several of the players. Nishinoya and Tanaka are annoying as usual, but Tsukishima also seems to be entertaining this? Your eyebrows furrow when he says more than ten words to her.

As the night continues, a pit keeps growing more and more in your stomach.

Hikari’s laughter fills the air the restaurant, you absentmindedly chew on a piece of lettuce before switching to some meat. The rest of the boys are chatty too, but it feels like Tsukki and Hikari’s conversation is ten times louder. They talked the entire way to the restaurant, and she even chose to sit next to him. What were they discussing you ask? Dinosaurs and geology. You almost forgot that was Hikari’s major—she adores subjects like that.

You, on the other hand, did not. You’ve always been drawn to the arts—singing, dancing, writing, and especially photography. You could never have these conversations with Tsukki. Not in the meaningful way that Hikari could.

Throughout the night, you catch Tsukishima glancing at you more than once. It’s as if he’s silently observing and noting your behavior. That’s just his way—he wouldn’t say anything in front of others, but he seems to sense that something is off. When you only manage to muster half a smile at one of Hikari’s joke, he's convinced.

By the time the night winds down, you all part ways, some opting for taxis while others head out to tame the night. As for Hikari? She had a bit too much to drink.

“I love you so much, Y/N,” Hikari drunkenly slurs, hung over your shoulder as you try to usher her into a taxi.

“I love you too, please get home safe,” you say. On the other side of you, Asahi, follows after her in the taxi. You thank him for being willing to make sure she got home.

As you reach for your phone to call a taxi for yourself, Tsukki unexpectedly takes it from your hand. Your eyebrows furrow in confusion.

“Tsukki..?”

“Do you want ice cream?” he asks, surprisingly casual.

His offer catches you off guard. Your eyebrows furrow even further, “We just spent like $400 in there…”

“I’ll pay,” Tsukki replies, nonchalantly.

“Okay…” you agree, still unsure about the whole situation. As you walk, there’s an unnamed tension between you two. It's unnatural. You find yourself wondering about the ice cream parlor—what kind of place is open at 10 p.m.? Nevertheless, Tsukki’s confidence makes you trust him. And sure enough, the ice cream parlor is open (at 10pm?) with it’s door wide open for customers.

The parlor is cozy, definitely a hidden gem in the large city, dressed with old photos and vintage art pieces, creating a charm that made you wish you had your camera on you.

The elderly woman at the front greets you both with a warm smile, her eyes twinkling with kindness. “What can I get you both?” she asks sweetly, her face full of surprise. It wasn’t often someone stopped into a shop for ice cream at 10 p.m., nonetheless her shop.

“Two vanilla cups, please,” Tsukki pulls out a large bill from his wallet, “keep the change.”

Your mouth waters at the sight of it. Ice cream never got old to you. The woman expertly scoops the creamy vanilla into cups and drizzles a rich caramel sauce on top. You find a cozy corner to sit at.

With each spoonful, you fill with happiness. You can’t help but let out a contented sigh. This was what you needed. Tsukki seems to know that.

“Is this how you bribe me? Through ice cream?” you ask him, as you lick a tiny bit vanilla off your lips.

A chuckle falls off his lips, the corner of his mouth quirking up into a small smile, “It’s working, isn’t it? I might end up stealing your job, Y/N.”

“My job?” You ask through a confused laugh.

“Problem solver extraordinaire? I fixed whatever this…” he points to the distance between the both of you, “was.”

You silently take another spoonful. The power of vanilla.

As the evening further sets in, the ease of being around him washes over you, and for a moment, it feels like nothing has changed between you. But deep down, you know that’s not entirely true.

When you both finish your ice cream, you say goodnight to the elderly store owner, her smile widening with knowingness. “You two are a beautiful couple. I hope you enjoyed.”

Tsukishima rubs the back of his neck, almost shyly, “Thank you, but we’re not dating.”

The elderly woman, seemingly unmoved, gives you a playful wink. “Hmm~, okay dears, if you say so. Here, this is on the house.” She hands you a bag of cookies. Delicious. Tsukishima made a good choice coming here. You two bow deeply before heading back out into the night, the pleasant taste of ice cream still lingering on your tongues.

The roaring air pulls you closer to him. You shiver and without thinking much of it, he yanks his own jacket off and places it over your shoulders. You hated him.

“I’m walking you home." Tsukishima says.

“Do I get a choice in this?” you ask through a mouthful of the cookie the old woman had given you, free of charge.

He whisks crumbs off the corner of your lips. “No. Why do you eat so messy?” you stick your tongue out at him.

The warm glow of the evening street lights lead you back to your apartment. You felt like you deserved a long rest after tonight, and several other nights spent studying. A long yawn left your mouth, and Tsukki yawns shortly after you.

"Copier." you say childishly.

"Shut up." he murmurs.

It feels as if you two are the only souls in the sleeping city. The silence between you both is comfortable, but it didn’t last long.

He glances down at you as you near your apartment. His words and eyes are both careful. This wasn't a question he was making up on the spot.

"You were off tonight. Why?” he asks.

You knew the question was coming. It was just a matter of when.

“I don’t know," you lie.

“You’re lying,” he says, stopping in the middle of the street to make it even more dramatic. A groan escapes your lips, knowing he wouldn’t let it go. You hope a random car wouldn’t fly past and kill you both.

“I am. But can’t you just leave it?” you almost plea.

“I can’t. The same way you never can,” he replies.

You sigh. You were far too alike for your own good. Looks like you had no choice. You knew Tsukki wasn't moving a single foot until you told him what was up. It's embarrassing to say it out loud.

“I guess I just… I felt a bit left out, you know? You and Hikari-” you start, but are quickly cut off.

Tsukishima’s face hardens, “Seriously? That’s what you were worried about? Me and Hikari?”

His words ignited a blaze of emotions within you. He didn't have to say it like that. Your cheeks burn.

“Tsukishima, I know, it was silly, okay-”

Tsukishima comes closer. His hands rest on your shoulders. Something is different.

“It wasn’t silly, it was stupid. Hikari means nothing to me. At all. I tolerated her. I love you. You understand that, right?”

Your eyes widen. Neither of you said it often. It wasn’t in your vocabulary—it wasn’t the way either of you were. You showed your love in different ways, but hearing him say it like this, you wished you both said it more.

“Tsukki…” Your heart skips a beat, but you quickly reminded yourself that the ‘as a friend’ was attached. It always would be.

Tsukki’s eyes..soften (?) on you.

“I love you. Okay? So...” it’s like a switch turns back on in his head and he realizes what he’s saying. He averts his gaze, and for a moment you see a twinge of pink dust his cheeks. It's just the cold (the wind, guys?) making him that way. That's the lie you tell yourself.

He begins walking away, nearly leaving you behind, “Stop being an idiot and come on.”

You were doomed.

Maybe that volleyball should've taken you out when it had the chance?

a/n: ohhhh i had alot of fun with this chapteeerrrr, lmk how you guys felt about it!!!! paramore's still into you, was a huuuge inspiration for this chapter - as well as a bunch of other songs. hopefully will finish the whole fic this month, but i start college rlly soon :(( hope u guys enjoyed!

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