eleanorsmom420

[eleanorsmom420]

Looking for directions???

What the fuck is the matter with everyone? Am I really that shitty of a person? I'm not perfect but fuck i'm not that bad. Every man I have ever been with has just learned to hate me. So apparently, I really am a fucked person. I am literally broken. My heart, my soul, my spirit. It's all broken. Don't fix it August, you'll just find another person to hate the fuck out you.

This is what I have been doing and dealing with for over a year now since we split. One minute he is so nice to me and we have great conversations. We had a few of them tonight but then all of a sudden his demeanor changed. He is so fucking negative about his life that he makes sure that everyone else around him has to be miserable too.

How do you tell a man that you love him and really do care about him and his comment back is I'll take your words and roll myself up and die. Thanks Like fuck! But to him I am just a fucking liar and he doesn't trust me. I have never done anything so horribly wrong for this. I have been accused numerous times of sleeping with a certain dude who was my friend and now they are living together and I am Satan her fucking self. FUCK FUCK FUCK!

I have never ever cheated in 10 years we have been together. I have dealt with his family treating me like shit. I have dealt with his drinking our whole relationship. Wanna know what I have done? I relapsed after being clean for 9 years. Do you know what its like to come home from a job that has broken you so bad that you cry everyday? Do you know what its like to come home and your significant other is already so fucking drunk because he doesn't know how to deal with my emotions. So, without the support of the man you call your husband, I relapsed. I swear I really didn't think that I would fuck up as bad as I did. I never ever thought I would become so addicted. I was wrong. That first hit was my biggest downfall in life. But don't think he just watched. Fuck no. He chose to join in on the festivities and that just made it worse. Why? Because when J got high, he would get so wrapped up with what he was doing that trying to talk to him was like committing a fucking crime.

Do you know how it feels when the man you love would always tell you how beautiful you are? How much they loved you. It feels good. It felt good. Thinking wow I really do have the perfect guy for me. But when the drugs started, he wouldn't even go out in public with me anymore. He wouldn't do anything with me. He would go out with our dealer, his new roommate but when I asked him to take me out and do things with me, it was always an excuse.

I walked away from our relationship cause it became toxic. When you and the one you love fist fight and hit one another its pretty fucking bad. I walked away from that relationship with a black eye from being hit with a safe. Yeah a fucking safe. I lost over 12 hours of time and I still don't remember what happened.

I walked away but god fucking damnit I have been trying since then to make it right between us. You don't walk away from a relationship that you have put so much time into. I forgave him. Did I forget? Hell motherfucking no I haven't. I have battered women's syndrome. I walked away with PTSD. I walked away with my brain so fucked. I now take 19 pills a day so I can survive this life. But if you ask him, he will tell you, I am a psycho cunt who just lies out her ass. That's me. I am a fucking liar. But I have all the proof of all the toxicity and abuse that happened. Look I don't just blame him. I blame myself. I still do. I have not forgiven myself. I don't think I ever will. For real shit just got so fucking bad.

This is the conversation that started off good and nice and I was enjoying our conversation. But something pissed me off and this is what I got for it,

Him - Idk why i am even bothering to talk to you Me -Here comes the meanness. Ill ttyl. Him - No meanness Just truth Me - Cause we are both idiots. That's why. We have no one else to talk to so we talk to each other Him - Talking to you is bound to lead to more stress not less Me - You make me feel like shit when you say stuff like that. Then block me J. Cause I block you and always undo it. So you do it and you can be rid of me. I am going to stop this conversation now. Bye Him - So you just want ignore the elephant in the room… okay

I stopped texting, It's pointless now. Hes in a fucking mood again when 10 minutes prior he was fine. He is like Jekyll and Hyde

Him - See this is why I say fuck off with your pretend nice bullshit, because as soon as your poor little baby feelings get hurt you either run and hide or flip the fuck out… and you wonder why you sit alone. The truth is I don't give a shit about your feelings anymore. I really don't give a shit about anyone's feelings. I don't' really have feelings anymore, fuck it all. I don't care how bad you feel if you think it's all your fault…

Still not saying anything to him

Him -Another week or so the electric will be shut off, ill have no food, the car is already illegal… what the fuck good are you going to be? You got somewhere to take 9 cats? But sure… let me hook you up with some crank… the least i can do for you. Still no comment?

Him - Take a hint… i hate you. Me- Okay Me - Hint taken Him - You're the same fucking asshole that i fought with for years You win, i give up. I have a couple weeks left at most, you're not going to bring any happiness to whats left of my miserable lonely life.

Me - I'm an asshole? I've offered to help you. But sure ill be to blame as always. I'm an asshole piece of shit who ruined your life. Its all my fault. So hint taken. You hate me. I'm done trying. Goodbye. Please block me, delete me. It's on you. This is the last text i'm sending. Loud and clear. I'm a cunt. Always will be. Don't say anything back, you've said it all so i'm just going to go back with the dick in my mouth that you insist I have going on. Have a nice one J

Him - Yay when you are coming for your shit? I knew i'd get the cunt back out so easily Can't bury it very deep If only you loved with half as much ferocity as you hate…

Him - You fucking love me? You would do anything for me? LET ME FUCKING DIE ALONE!!!

This is the hate and anger I get when I did not say shit nasty. 10 years together and this is the hatred I get. Is it all my fault? No. Am I at fault? Yes I am. But I did nothing so fucking bad to be treated like a piece of shit when I have done nothing but try to help him. He has my car, why? Cause his words, He bought it. Every time I had it, he would break the fucking thing and then fix it when he got it back. I have left the electric in my name at the house. Again, he has my car which is in my name. Car insurance and registration in my name. Cops tell me ain't shit I can do because him and I had a verbal agreement. Can't even get the law to help me. I have given everything he has bitched about and god forbid, I ask for something.

Why do I do this to myself? Why? Because I have such low self esteem that I would rather talk to him and let me feel like shit then be alone and no one to talk to. Fucking stupid. 42 years old and I would rather be abused mentally and emotionally then sit here by myself. Fucking pathetic. Don't you think? I do. Fucking stupid. Maybe I wouldn't be so fucking low on myself if the man who I have loved and still love wouldn't treat me like I don't matter.

God damnit, I wish you would see that I do fucking care and love you but you want to throw such a pity party for yourself that you chose to make me the fucking devil and act like I did this to you. You put yourself where you are as much as I put myself where I am. Maybe you should get off your high fucking horse and see that you are not perfect and you fucked up too. Maybe you should realize that your god damn horse is fucking dead. Open your eyes and stop thinking you do no wrong and see the wrong you truly have done. You think that you are so fucking smart that a person like you does no wrong. WRONG IDIOT!

#abuse sucks #fuck addiction #drugs ruined it #there used to be love #i do fucking love you #i love you #No reason for all this hate #stop hating me #It's not healthy #10 years gone #10 year relationship #drugs ruin everything #why can't i just hate you #i sure as fuck try #you are not perfect #you are fucked like the rest of us #deal with it #take responsibility #fucking jerk #GOD FUCKING DAMNIT #Crystal meth ain't to be fucked with #Crystal is a fucking whore #Crystal is a home wrecking whore #Crystal does not care who she hurts #Crystal is a nasty ass bitch #SMMFH

[eleanorsmom420]

What not to expect on a Wednesday

Today was a pretty good day. Okay, I was a bit lazy today. We did our first house and our second house I pretty much sat my ass down and went shopping on Te mu...SMFH Thank God for TM who picked up my bullshit slack and rocked her ass off cleaning. I helped the last 5 minutes of the house, lazy bitch. 500 Gold Stars to you today TM. The last house was cancelled so home we go.

What not to expect when you come home from work!

My phones rings and I wasn't able to get it. It rings again as I am in the middle of helping DM clean up the kitchen. I am like who the fuck is calling me??? I see that it is AK calling me on Facebook Messenger. I answer the phone and she is crying. "What is wrong?" SW, her husband. The ambulance is there. SW woke AK up and said he was having chest pains and his arms were not feeling right. She gets up, gets there son in order and they get ready to go to the hospital. As she is almost ready, SW is sitting at the bottom of the stairs and he goes into what looks like a seizure. AK runs down to him and calls 911 and administers CPR as requested. The Ambulance and Fire Department came and attempted to resuscitate SW. They have to use a Lucas which administers CPR consistently. I drive AK to the hospital while JM and TN take the baby to their house.

AK and I arrive at the hospital, I don't even know what time it is. I know its after 4:00pm. AK registers at reception and they take us to a room. Never seen this room before. The doctor comes in and tells AK and myself that at 4:02pm SW was pronounced deceased. They did everything in their power to save his life. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?!?!? SW is 49 years old. God fucking dammit, 49 fucking years old. What makes a 49 year old just die? A massive fucking heart attack. AK will know more after the autopsy. So now, AK is now left a widow and single parent. Oh yeah! AK is 25 years old and is a fucking widow. 25 fucking years old. FUCKKKKK! This is something that she does not deserve. No one deserves that type of heart break. They aren't perfect people but they were perfect for each other. They were a team! Best friends! Their own Bonnie and Clyde.

SW is not a bad guy. SW had his quirks but who doesn't? He would do anything to help someone. He wasn't a center of attention guy in the crowd. Hes the guy who watches from afar. But get him in a small circle and he would talk your ear off. Literally sometimes he would not shut the fuck up. But you could have a conversation with him. He was an educated man. He came from a good family. Dude did not deserve to go out like this. Not one fucking bit. He would do anything for his wife and son. He would make sure that AK had everything she ever needed or wanted like a husband should do for a wife.

Ya know what kills me? I am 42 SW was 49. If he can pass away out of no where, When is it my time? I am here with an anxiety attack thinking when? When am I going to die? It scares the fuck out of me.

Rest in Peace SW! Taken from this world way too soon. Please watch over AK and SW (son). I know AK is a beast and she can get through anything but Please SW make sure you show her guidance. That girl loves you so much so make sure you let her know you are there protecting her still.

I will miss you SW. I will never forget you. I will always tell some of the funny stories we had together. Thanks for letting me be your friend. Thanks for letting me be a part of your family. We came from different backgrounds of life but you never judged. You listened and you tried to understand. I love you dude! Always and Forever!

AK I am truly sorry for your loss. You don't deserve this. I really do wish I could take your pain away. I don't know how you feel and I never thought you would have to deal with it too. Just know I am here for you.

This was the last thing I expected today. Fuck dude! You never know when it's your time.

#rest in peace #gone way too soon #Its not fair #why? #married one day widowed the next #25 and widowed #Heaven is in trouble now #heavens rules are now changed #husband and wife #will never be forgotten #will never be the same #bullshit #fucked up #fucking bullshit #unbelievable #shocked #massive heart attack #Not supposed to be like this #R.I.P. #Heaven gained an angel #Not what to expect #Not your typical Wednesday #April 5th #4/5/2023

[eleanorsmom420]

She missed her Grandma

#grandmas girl #Eleanor Rigby #Best friend #Sweetie #Looks are deceiving #She missed you

[eleanorsmom420]

#420 #stoner #pothead #don't be a hater #mind your own

[eleanorsmom420]

My very first Fundraiser for Relay for Life. It was truly a lot of fun. Why? Because of all those pictures I posted, I made all of that. That is my brain and my ideas that I am so truly proud of. I always say that i'm not good at anything but I proved myself wrong. This is what self-gratification looks like. I raised a nice amount of money and i'm more excited that i get badges for doing things. It's like i'm in the girl scouts. But they ain't got shit on me lol

#Cranes for a Cure #american cancer society #relay for life #Greater Pocono Area Relay for Life #Daffodil Days 2023

[eleanorsmom420]

It's been a while!

Today is the first day that I really have nothing left. and I know that I won't have anymore. I'm not kissing those assholes' asses for a fix. I will get through this. I have no choice. it is what is best for me anyway.

 I went to a relay meeting tonight. it puts so many ideas into my head. I think or feel that Deanna thinks I'm doing too much.  I don't want to come in and take over, that is not my intention.

 I don't know what to do with myself. I have to figure out my life. I bought a binder today for my life. Amanda made a good point that maybe if I keep a binder like I do for Relay maybe I can get shit right. I need to make a list of all my bills which really isn't much. Like seriously I have one bill,  my cell phone bill. I need to stop spending on everything. I got to get my coffee business back in order so spending so I don't have to keep putting my own paychecks into it.

I'm 42 years old and I really need to get my s right. let's hope that maybe if I keep up with this binder then I can figure out where I'm going wrong and turn it around.

 I still think I should pick up a second job but there really isn't any place I want to work. I'm not going back into public life. I applied to Sheetz and they would have Hired me but is that what it's going to make me happy? I need to find a job that listens to my ideas. they  May all not make sense but I think I still have really good ideas. I just need the opportunity to let them out. That's why I feel the places that will hire me aren't going to have the time nor are they going to listen and change their policies because one person said something. I don't know what I should do.

 What I need to do is start this binder and find my flaws and my good points.   Come August you can do this! you can do anything you've already proven that. start the Eleanor books. write some books, put them on Amazon and see what the outcome is. find that photo app where you can use them and not get in trouble. I could do this. I just got to stop with this laziness. I'm not going to get anywhere if I can't finish a project that I start.

 Grow up August!. Do it for yourself!  Fuck everyone else. they don't give a shit!. Proof is in the pudding! do this for yourself. I know I need to get some self-esteem! Stop being lazy! you will never get anywhere with your actions. you are a child. The time is now! The time is now to show myself I can do this for myself. I don't need a man to hold my tit to get through life. I don't need a man!  Period   Fuck I don't even want a man! my trust is gone. Fuck love! Fuck men! Fuck dick! Fuck pussy! Fuck it all!  Do what I need to do and then I can honestly say at the end of the day fuck you all I don't need anyone about myself.

 All I need is my self-esteem  to rise and my Eleanor Rigby. I want her to have a good life! I want her to be happy. bringing her to Deanna's was the best thing for her! She's happy, less bitchy. She doesn't mind being an inside cat, she's my girl and I know I  did the best thing for her and myself.

 Eleanor Rigby! my best friend! My girl! My baby! she comes first spoiled rotten LOL not spoiled rotten, well taken care of. damn cat gets fed no bullshit crap! She gets fed good food expensive food and she deserves it 

#depressionsucks #eleanor rigby #grow up stupid #act your age #addiction is a bitch #fuck addiction #something has to change #get your shit together #i can do this #i don't need a man #ill show you all

[eleanorsmom420]

@bossladydea

#bosslady #best friends #best bitches #methamphetabitches #Deanna #Dena-Dina #i don’t deserve you

[eleanorsmom420]

@teebaybee34-blog I really hope you like what I did.

#FBBF #best bitches #best friends #Toenay #Magic #Pilot #Snapchat #TikTok

[eleanorsmom420]

Dinner is served

#beef stew #yummyfood #foodporm #breadsticks #rump-roast #red potatoes #white corn #carrots #broccoli #cauliflower #salad #garden salad #Catalina dressing #green beans #get in my belly

[eleanorsmom420]

My very creation of imagination. Thank you to you J for helping me. ❤️❤️❤️

@bossladydea @teebaybee34-blog

#happy valentines #my first boutique #dollar tree creations #dollar tree #trying to stay clean #sobriety #flowers #thanks bosslady #don’t be so hard #don’t judge lmao #very pretty

[eleanorsmom420]

10 posts!

[eleanorsmom420]

#breakfast #breakfast of champions #fatass #fat ass bitch #breakfast at midnight

[eleanorsmom420]

#crazycatlady #7 cats #weasel #chubby kitty

[eleanorsmom420]

#noodle doodle #noodle #7 cats #crazycatlady #catlady

[eleanorsmom420]

“COME CLOSER MOTHER”

—

[eleanorsmom420]

Just got off the phone with my cousin. I haven’t spoken with her since the beginning of December. She is 9 months younger than me. We grew up together. From the start. She’s an addict too. Worse than I have ever been. I always worried about her. No one else ever gave me shit but me. Our family is a fucking dickhead of a mess of bullshit. Born a Perry, you are a fucking nothing. Well for her and I that is what it is. We are the only two dumb fucks of Perry’s.

She is in the hospital. Has been for a month now. Because of all the drug abuse she is dying. No other way to put it. Her heart is failing and so are her kidneys. She has Endocarditis. It’s because of all the drug abuse and being an IV user. I can’t knock her. But sure as fuck if she wasn’t bigger than me I would punch her in the face. Just for being a fucking dummy dumb.

I have so much going on in my life and now I have to worry about her. What if she dies? Who had the money for a funeral? I can’t just leave her unclaimed. People that have no soul or love for another human being. A human being that is your family.

God damnit do I love her. I do. I just can’t show for that. I don’t know why. I never could. But I do love her. But fucking a does she piss me off. She makes me so fucking mad sometimes. Why? Because of the drug use. Yeah I know I fucked up too but I just hate when she does. I hate seeing her kill herself. She’s a mom for Christ sake. Maybe that’s why too. (That’s another story!) God damnit cockface!

What do I do? Well duh, be there for her. As best as I can. But like J. says, I have to take care of me first. And he’s right. I have to have my colors coordinated first before I can coordinate anyone else’s. I am not use to myself or anyone if I can’t get my shit right first. And let me tell you something, I am fucking struggling right now. I want to get high so bad just so I don’t have to deal with this. My rocking is in full motion and honestly the weed isn’t helping. Because the other shit is on my mind. Why? Why? Why does all of this fall on my lap? Why do I keep having more thrown at me? Can’t anyone see I’m not doing so good myself at the moment. Things break when to much weight is put on them. I’m already big enough I don’t need more weight. It’s breaking my big ass body. Big ass body with a small spirit left. All my weight is crushing that spirit and the extra is about to kill it.

Maybe I need another stint in the hospital. Maybe I need rehab. I need something. Cause I don’t want any of this. I just wanted my life back but that’s not happening anytime soon. Do I make a new life with what I have now? Cause truthfully I don’t think I can find that girl again. She’s lost. Maybe that’s for the best. I’m just rambling now cause I’m stressed. I wish it wasn’t 12:09 in the morning cause what I need is my Knight in Shining Armor and my FBBF 🦖 @teebaybee34-blog

#cousins #sisters #cockface #on my shoulders #death’s door #addiction #addiction is a motherfucker #fuck addiction #fuck drugs #FUCK #this is depressing #depressed #40 sucks #Fuck 40 #so many emotions #god damnit

[eleanorsmom420]

Thanks a lot @teebaybee34-blog It’s forever been ruined now lmao

#it’s been ruined #ruined it for me #rock me amadeus #hot potatoes #falco #80’s music #tiktok #thanks bitches #Toenay #that’s what friends are for #FBBF #Spotify