depress-ed-me

[depress-ed-me]

My arms are covered in bruises.

Bruises don't leave scars.

#sh #sad #everything is fine #lol

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If I should die before I wake,

I don't give a fuck about the rest.

Please let me die in my sleep tonight.

#death #everything is fine

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People are sad when someone they love dies, no matter how old they are or how it happens. Why prolong the inevitable?

#sw #sad #whats the point

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#introvert #social anxiety #overthinking #dollhouse

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blank slate here but i kinda want to die

[depress-ed-me]

I had a conversation with a higher up manager today about being forced to take a certain number of days annual leave. In the conversation I was told that I needed to work on myself and just be more smiley and less grumpy. I said I was working on it and medicating. The response was "a lot of us have stuff going on"

Valid point, but don't say it when someone is reaching out for a lifeline

#i hate my job #i hate myself

[depress-ed-me]

Something I can't stop thinking about is a conversation I had with GG before she took her own life, that I didn't think much of at the time but it keeps going round and around in my head. She sent me a link to a spreadsheet she'd made at work to list ALL the things people were responsible for ordering. I told her it was a good idea, but I had way too many things to put on her list. I told her I put the ones I needed from her. She said I should put absolutely everything down, "Just in case you're not here one day" this was 2 weeks before she did it and I can't stop thinking about it. I can't stop thinking about the signs. I can't stop thinking "did I know that was a sign at the time or am I just thinking about it now she's gone?"

I pushed thru on Friday - Tuesday to keep out of my own thoughts. I spent Wed and Thur thinking about it. They (upper management) cleaned out her desk on fucking Tuesday. Fucking Tuesday.

I have so many thoughts in my head that GG might have had in her reasons to kill herself that involve the workplace that I will never be able to share with anyone at work.

Everyone at work (not everyone) has gone back to "normal" I was tasked today to send out an email to my department to let people know about the memorial that will be held for her on Tuesday. My direct supervisor should have done it, he didn't care about her.

Her family are raising money for "It's okay not to be okay"

I'm not fucking okay.

She went to the ER the night before she did it, reaching out. I don't know what the circumstances were, or what she told them, but they sent her home. They fucking sent her home and now she's dead and I am always going to be sad about that.

Today would have been her 28th birthday.

Fuck.

#tw sui talk #tw death #really fucking sad

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Safe space.

I spent most of today counselling people who were counselling me. The other people who should have been counselling were too busy looking after themselves. I left work not feeling supported by anyone other than the person who was closest to GG who came in to "keep busy" and "feel needed" who was possibly the person who needed the most support. I've been awake since 3am in bouts of tears. I can't be "weak" at work when so many people are struggling. My go to rock is the one who is no longer here and I'm stuck.

So. Very. Stuck.

#help

[depress-ed-me]

My work BFF took her own life on Wednesday. I knew she was stuggling at work. We made jokes about it. We laughed about it. I should have done more. I should have made her resign. I am so so so so sososososos fucking distraught that she's gone. I know it's not about me, or how I feel, or what I should have done. I'm just really, really, really fucking sad. I love you GG. I'm sorry I never told you

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Ending it yourself is something young people or celebrities do. Regular grown ups doing it is weird.

Conflicted. 

#you should see my scars

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I think I have pushed everyone who had possibly cared about me away and while this pleases me because the guilt I feel leading up to my demise makes me wonder what the point of my existence even meant

Words are failing me right now. Setting all social media to self combust

#Punctuate #fuck i'm sad

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How am I supposed to drunk blog on here when the format is almost identical to twitter

#I don't like change

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Suicide isn’t always a cry for help. Sometimes it’s just because you are beyond help. If someone else who isn’t you, can’t understand that it just cements the need more.

I’m fine. I’m safe. But I’m going to know when to call it.

[depress-ed-me]

Fuck.

Ok. So I have been dealing with staff complaints about my boss for like 10 years. It has come to light to upper management that people aren’t happy with him (just recently, lol they claim to not know about any of it) and the new anti anxiety medication I have been taking has made me less anxious (yay?) and I may have dumped a plethora of angst in the last week.

My boss is untouchable. I am pretty sure I know how this is going to go. I’m going to get pulled into a bunch of meetings, I will probably say too much of what I haven’t said for 10 years, I will get told that “I should have said something” (I have) and then have to have a meeting with my boss, with upper management at the same time and be interrogated. This will result in me being super uncomfortable, possibly hysterical, publicly in tears. That will result in me being told I need to take a leave of absence from work where I sit at home hating myself for all of the above and spend however long I have been told to stay away in a state of panic knowing I have to quit my job.

I really don’t want to quit my job.

Shit’s fucked and I’m expendable. I honestly don’t know how I’m going to get thru this and I am terrified.

I am a mess tonight. I know I shouldn’t be drinking in the state I am in but I am definitely going to

#The Bell Jar #sad so fucking sad #fuck

[depress-ed-me]

Ode to Dog

I miss your scruffy face

I miss your eager pace 

I miss your waggy tail

I miss your saddened wail

I miss you most at night

No more need to fight

#ode to dog #so very lonely #sad

[depress-ed-me]

To the people who are scared or upset that their kid/relative/friend/lover might be trans...

 Being trans isn’t dangerous. It isn’t an illness you need to fix.

It really isn’t that hard to understand.

I am way more concerned, that someone I know might be a massive bigot. 

#trans pride #bigotsdni

[depress-ed-me]

I’ve lost 3kg since my timestamp. My old buddy ana is clawing at me so fucking hard and won’t let go. Not going to lie and say I’m sad about it. I’m too busy drowning in other sad stuff. At least I have control over this.

#really fucking sad #whatever