deliriumandmelancholia

[deliriumandmelancholia]

I wrote this on April 16th, one week ago today. I was too ashamed and scared to share it then but I feel brave right now. Long distance is fucking hard yo. Loving her is so very easy though.

The fact that my ability to picture things inside my mind is completely random and usually tied to painful things, is frankly cruel and evil. I can perfectly picture the area upstairs in Gatwick airport, right outside the security control entrance. Just a stone’s throw away from NERO coffee shop. The pillar by which I sank to the floor and fell completely apart. The floor. The buzzing around me. The absolute horror of it all. I am still there. I am still there. I am still there. The windows at Arlanda airport looking out over the landing strips and parking lots. The counter at which I sat, waiting. Waiting to take the first train in the morning to go home. The jingling and heavy-footed sounds of the security guards threateningly walking towards me. The absolute feeling that I am not Allowed to Exist while in pain and grief. I can see the train we were on going to Gatwick as each stop brought me one step closer to emotional death. What it all looked like around me as I lost my ability to hold it together little by little until I was an inconsolable wreck.

I am not doing it again. Next time I leave, I am not leaving alone. I was almost not able to physically make myself do it this time, and I feel like I am still there. I am shaking and my heart is caught in my throat and my vision is blurry. I don’t know if it will become permanent trauma but this feels like a PTSD flashback and is indistinguishable to me. I hope it doesn’t stick, but I am not doing it again. I can’t do it again, physically as well as emotionally.

#delirium and melancholia #bpd #ptsd #long distance relationship #airports make me sick i wish i never had to step foot in one to leave ever again

[deliriumandmelancholia]

just a reminder to COMPLETELY boycott Eurovision this year; Azerbaijan and Israel, despite committing genocide, are STILL allowed to compete & have NOT been banned. by refusing to ban both countries, Eurovision is profiting off of the genocide of Palestinians and Armenians.

do not listen to the artists. do not pirate or stream the artists' music, and this applies to ALL the artists who are competing and performing this year. do not listen to the songs on ANY platform, do not give them ANY attention.

write to your broadcasters and tell them you REFUSE to watch the channels until they recognise the Armenian and Palestinian genocides & that you find it disgusting how they are allowing Eurovision despite Azerbaijan and Israel's entries.

do NOT give eurovision OR the competing artists ANYTHING but silence.

boycott ALL of eurovision.

[deliriumandmelancholia]

I want my life back, I want my lost youth, I want a chance not to lose so much of it to chronic illness and mental illnesses 😭

[deliriumandmelancholia]

"why do I feel so terrible?"

-person who forgot to take their not-feeling-terrible medication

[deliriumandmelancholia]

Torn between making two posts:

“*sunshine, lollipops, and rainbows stops playing*

*tears the yellow ribbon out of my hair*

I used to be so good at waiting but I can’t wait much longer now-“

And

“*perfect day by roxette stops playing*

*pulls my socks up and straightens the yellow ribbon in my hair*

I’m good at waiting dammit I can wait some more!”

Once again there is no in between in my life. I got my period today so right now I’m feeling relatively good as the PMDD is silent for a while again. I’m just. I’m not sure I can do this but the only real alternative is death RIP.

#from my main blog #lesley gore #sunshine lollipops and rainbows #perfect day #roxette #bpd mood #bpd love

[deliriumandmelancholia]

My town looks like a toy box

The buildings are too small

The roads seem fake and the people made of wood

I am not sure how this came to be

The only thing that’s real

In this quaint place of make believe

And faded memories

My need to get out

And the ocean breathes life

Into me again;

Isolation

When I go back inside

Destined to die

In a box filled with toys

#delirium and melancholia #poetry #freestyle poem #freestyle poetry #death to my hometown #my hometown #outgrowing places #stuck here forever #trapped

[deliriumandmelancholia]

Frida Kahlo, from a letter featured in "The Letters of Frida Kahlo,"

[deliriumandmelancholia]

I live inside my head and I live in some weird fucking fantasy world that doesn’t line up with reality but I keep thinking it _is_ the reality and then I end up super hurt and confused and wondering why I’ve been lied to and misled when it’s literally just my brain making shit up, or I’ll think I’ve been super clear and said things properly but in reality I’ve said like the most cryptic fucking thing ever and there’s no way anyone would understand what I mean and then I’ll be upset because “I told you this! Why didn’t you listen?” And this shit keeps happening and I don’t know why or how to fix it, and I get so overwhelmed and frustrated with myself and everyone else that I just want to end every single relationship in my life and never talk to or interact with anyone again.

#delirium and melancholia #stream of consciousness #bpd #maladaptive daydreaming #dissociation #unable to understand reality #social inadequacy #i am not okay

[deliriumandmelancholia]

10%. One in ten people. I never expect to leave this world by accident. I’m not currently suicidal but I feel the statistics so hard. I don’t know what it is to have a healthy relationship. I don’t know what it’s like to be able to trust my own mind. I don’t know what it’s like to trust others, not really. I’m always looking for an ulterior motive, and if I can’t find one I make one up until it becomes the truth. How can anyone love me when I’m so suspicious and spiteful? When I don’t deserve the love they’re giving me so even that becomes a problem and I make up Bad Intentions and ulterior motives at all times. It’s exhausting. I’m exhausted and exhausting and I don’t understand why people keep saying I’m not. I guess it’s true to them, somehow, but it’s like there’s a stop-block in my brain and I’m not able to fully believe them.

#delirium and melancholia #mental illness #bpd #borderline personality disorder #bpd writing #cw sui mention

[deliriumandmelancholia]

I’m in one of those “nothing matters because it’s all fake anyway and I am going to die just like I am right now no matter what so it doesn’t matter” head-spaces lately and I don’t know how to get myself out of it. I’ve been spending money I don’t have yet despite wanting to save for the future because in my brain right now there is no future there is only this moment, and this moment is fucking boring, lonely, anxious, and exhausted. I want it to be fucking spring already I mean for fuck’s fucking sake how long does winter have to drag on in this goth-forsaken country? I hate it. I hate it so much. I hate my brain. I hate being like this. I hate feeling like she doesn’t even exist when I can’t talk to her and see her. I hate how lonely I am. I hate how no one wants to talk to me as much as I want to talk to them. I hate how I have all this time and absolutely no one to spend it with. I hate going back to maladaptive daydreaming and watching TV for so long I have to stop it from automatically turning off twice. It’s every six hours I think. I hate being stuck in this town. I hate the fact that I’m all alone. I hate it when people tell me I’m not and that I can call anytime but when I try to call they rarely pick up. I hate being told I’m not alone when I literally am? I am so alone. It doesn’t matter why people don’t have time for me; I’m not saying it’s their fault but the truth is if no one has time for me, I am alone. Alone. I’m drowning in my own negativity and it becomes a downward spiral and I need others to pull me out of it because I’m useless at caring for myself, for myself. I resent the fact that the same people who tell me not to off myself are the same people who don’t have time for me. I’m alone. I’m alone and I can’t kill myself because everyone would blame themselves instead of understanding I am just so sick of the loneliness. It never goes away. I wasn’t meant for corporeal life.

#delirium and melancholia #bpd #mental illness #borderline personality disorder #stream of consciousness #dark writing #cw sui thoughts #cw sui #have i tried reaching out to people? #yes in the most cryptic ways you’d need to be a mind reader to understand

[deliriumandmelancholia]

Please do your daily click!

This is a great way for people without any funds or no ways to contact their representatives can help out!! 🍉🍉🍉 (link below)

Free Palestine

[deliriumandmelancholia]

Hope and despair

Are in a tug of war

With me in the middle

And I am a piece of meat they tear

Into smaller pieces

Until there is

Nothing left

Not a trace to be found; I have been

Disintegrated

#delirium and melancholia #poetry #freestyle poem #freestyle poetry #dark poetry #mental illness #bpd poetry #bpd #borderline personality disorder

[deliriumandmelancholia]

On the other hand, have I considered that I actually absolutely cannot even begin to live the life I want because I’m too fucking [redacted] to work and I’m absolutely useless to the capitalist system to the point where I am just seen as a massive burden and if I were to try they would all just look at me like I asked for their permission to eat their faces like “wtf bitch no? You’re not even human in our eyes go away.” Because I’m not human in their eyes. I’m a parasite. I’m a parasite on my loved ones and a strain on the system and I just. Want. Out.

Please. Please let me out.

[deliriumandmelancholia]

March 11th, 2024

I went to the store and bought eggs and tiny tomatoes. I came home and I made scrambled eggs for the first time in my life. I had them for breakfast a few days ago and I realised, it’s alright. They don’t cause me migraines anymore. I seasoned mine with sea salt and white pepper, rosemary and a smile through the tears. It’s not always so bad. There are good moments inside the pain, and there is always the possibility of kindness and patience for myself, even when other people might not understand. Even when they disagree. I am enough just by being me. I don’t need to be perfect, I just need to be kind. Sometimes I mess up; I hate it but it’s not an Unforgivable Thing. It’s human, it’s messy, and it’s raw. I’m on my knees. I’m leaning with my full weight against the kitchen counter as I try to breathe through the pain and fear. I’m allowed to exist as this, too. I’m allowed to feel things so strongly that they almost destroy me. I’m allowed to be weak and not know when I can be strong again. I’m snacking on my tomatoes as I type this. I am terrified of the present and I’m terrified of the future. I never want to go back so I press onwards. I know that one day will be the last goodbye. I want that to have a hopeful sound but all I can hear is the ring of death. I’m petrified. I don’t want to die, I want to live. I want to live so much that it hurts and I’m curling my fingers and clawing at the surface like a beast unable to control itself any more. I howl like a banshee and hunch my shoulders as I try to breathe through the sobs. I’m more than this. I’m just this, right now. Patience. Patience is running out and I fear that when it does, what will be left of me is just a shadow, an empty case, an animated corpse the way I used to be. I haven’t really grown, I’m just older and more sensitive. My emotions are like a patch of skin with the top layers rubbed off and life keeps rubbing against it over and over, the skin unable to heal itself as it keeps being ripped anew. I have stopped physically self-harming but my emotions cannot stop. I am drowning under the weight of my own heart and someday, there will be no one left

with the patience

to pull me out.

#delirium and melancholia #mental illness #borderline personality disorder #living with bpd #stream of consciousness

[deliriumandmelancholia]

healing involves a lot more grieving than you’d expect. progress hurts. you’re moving on from things that happened but also things you wished would happen and never did. mourning does not mean you are not getting better.

[deliriumandmelancholia]

[deliriumandmelancholia]

I’m choosing love

Again and again

It’s the essence of my soul

I’m nothing without it

And it permeates every aspect of my life

Hope

Was only slumbering

Now I brush off the dust

And stand up again

And

Again

My wings still carry me

I am more than this despair

#delirium and melancholia #poetry #freestyle poem #freestyle poetry #hope #love #self love #romantic love #familial love #friendship love #love love love