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Day #5 01/10/21
Dear diary, it feels like a storm has passed. I know i disapeared on you for a bit, but i feel that i can breath better now.
Yesterday was my friends bachelorette party. They looked so happy! And their friends are pretty cool! I almost felt... out of place. I just want to clerefy, i usualy have more confidence in myself, i think the tume here made me lose some of it. When you feel unapreaciated for long, you just kinda get the vibe maybe there is not much to apreaciate.
Im excited for next week to be back home. But im getting scared. The closer it is the more i feel like i don't remember whats its like to be there. You would think 3 months arent enough to forget your place, but it kinda feels like it.
There was a sexologist at the party, some stuff she said didnt make sense. Like the fact women orgasm from their brains? Please ma'am explain how victims couldve experienced orgasm while being raped? Its because its physiological. But some of the stuff she said did hit a nerve. This is still too weird fof me to share, but in general she talked about how aware we are during sex, of how we look. I do get that.
After some drinks i felt much more social, it was nice. I also smoked. I usualy dont mix it, since its causing 'shortage' in the brain. Or at least, in mine. I almost fainted in the middle of the club that time. My friend hawke thinks it wasnt the mixing, but rather the creep next to me slipped something in my drink. I'd rather think i just mixed my shit. Maybe i'll explain what happened, but not now, i need to wake up early and i havent told you of today yet.
Some family members visited, i talked with my brother as if nothing happened. It seems we all content on moving on. I dont know if i like it or hate it. Its nice not having to do more talks aboyt this, but uts just fitting well into the schimatic we have in this family, of acting like everything is perfect, even when its not.
I also played some mass effect today. The legendary edition. I think its part of the regression im having. I havent olayed this for many years, but it will always have a warm place in my heart. I cant explain how, but it helped me through my anxiety. It was like, interacting with people, but without the fear of not saying the right thing. I didnt remember the story as compeling as it is, its amazing.
Im going to the beach in 7 hours, so i'll talk to you soon.
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Day #4 29/09/21
Dear diary, i feel much better now. After my dad stormed ouf he yelled at me when i was on the kitchen cooking for myself. I was having a minor breakdown, but i also found myself... not caring. Almost as if i was so drained i couldnt find the energy to care. But its ok now. I told my mother i loove her. Its so hard to let those words out, i do mean it, but saying it is just so... revealing.
I was suppose to meet mate today. But i think i had to stay home. I need to recover from the past few days. I need to charge my life battery, just a bit. Tomorrow is the bachelorettes party. Im excited for that. Although a little bit of anxiety slips into my mind. Its gonna be around 10 or 15 girls, and i only know the brides and one other girl. They sound like cool people though.
I didnt smoke today. And i ate a whole sandwich. I dont know if im proud of myself or angry. Im realy hungry right now.
I also watched aladdin today. Itz my favorite disney movie of all time, ever since i was 5 or so. Aladdin is such a compeling prince, for the smarts and cunning he has. Jasmin is my favorite princess too. I liked how she could fight for herself, while putting an affort to break free, and still remained faminine. She also let herself lean on aladdin, without canceling herself and what she believes in. I also watched robin hood, the disney version. It was my 2nd favorite. I used to love those stories. A protagonist with a cause other than love, a situation putting them against all odds. I even used to like the good endings. I wonder when it changed?
Now that the situation is behind me i feel like i'll limit my enteries for once a day.
One week to go.
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Day #4 29/09/2021
Dear diary, i woke up today to the sound of my phone ringing. My dad called me and told me he got donuts. I asked if he got the ones with the chocolate, he said no. I only like the ones with chocolate. So i told him no. He noticed im half asleep and asked, and i said yes, that i was asleep. He asked if he can come up, he wants to talk, again. I find 2 problems with this small interaction. The 1st, is that i never ate any other donut than the chocolate donut. So again, another proof of not realy knowing who i am. The 2nd, is the inconsideration. You heard i was asleep? Hang up the phone, why do you ask to make a talk now. It seemed like he just want to get a chore done asap. I told him i was asleep and hanged up.
I couldnt fall asleep. I wanna talk is such a terrible sentence. Talk about what? Why? Again? I thought we were over this. I couldnt fall asleep. So i called him to say he can come. He finished eating while i brushed my teeth and put eye contacts on. I waited in my bed and he came in to sit at the edge.
He said "when you see mom, randomly tell her you love her" i was confused, but also... angry. Why am i suppose to be the strong adult? The fact i dont give up when shit hits the fence and keep fighting while leaving the crying for later made people think i just dont need emotional support or validstions? Im sorry i dont cry over spilled milk like most of the people. When did we switch places that itbecame me who suppose to validate my mother and not the other way around? He said she got hurt. Im hurt! Why is my hurt not seen but their is? I ofc told him all that. He change the phrasing and said "you dont have too but know she was hurt" and something down the lines of "youre smart you always say be smart not right" i got even more mad. I know what hes doing, i do that when people fight too. Its s type of manipulation. I know he is right, of course. It just makes me mad, as if i dont need emotional support. Im sick of supporting everyone and being left with noone to support me. I know i can handle myselfz i dont need noone to hold me up. But it wouldve been nice to not fight for a moment and not fall down in the process. I know i do love her. But i always had hard time saying those words to anyone. And now here o am on the spot basecly having to do it, with the ilussion of choice.
When i told my dad i can say the same thing, that i dont know if she loves me he was like "dont talk nonesense of course she does" well than i can say the same thing! So why everyday is a fucking talk???
I wish it was easy for me to do it, but its not. I dont know what to do.
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Day #3 28/09/2021
Dear diary, i find it odd writing to you right now. I just dont feel like i have much to share.
I met with two friends, we ate at a realy cool place. I wanted to go there ever since i head of it last month. Its a vegan place with tons of special vegan options. It was amazing. I havent thought of today at all. It makes me feel wrong. What if my mom was right? What if i dont have feelings? Am i a psychopath? What if i have bipolar disorder? I don't know anymore. In the talk today with my mom, she said she couldnt remember saying it, so it must have been this of that kond of thing and i miss understood. All the memories suddely shook in my head, was i remembering it right? Or did she say something else? Did it even happen? The thoughts blurred my mind as i found myself not remembering anymore. Maybe she's gaslighting me, trying to drive me mad. Or maybe she is right, maybe i am mad.
We sat at my friends house, hawke and irine. Sure, i made up the names, this is my trusty diary, but its still out in thr open pages of the internet. I realy like them, we met at work before they started dating, and they get married next week. Its those relationships youd wish for anyone. Its not perfect but a longshot, which is why its so apealing. They have disagreements, they don't always see eye to eye, but they will sit down and talk about it. Its just pure love and bond between two people that didnt fit together right away, they just made it work. Ive been hanging with them alot. Currently they live at hawkes mothers place, and they move out a week after the wedding. The wedding is the reason i can't leave yet. If it was up to me i wouldve been gone a month ago, wheni felt the ice is slowly breaking. They checked with my all the dates, it was important for them that i'll be there, and i want to be there too.
I met irines parents for the 1st time. Nice people. But we were there to smoke and it elongated the waiting. I guess its fine, her mother just reminded me of mine, which is not a fun thought when i try not to think of it.
After her mother left, we smoked on the porch. Another friend joined us - cher - she had this realy nice idea for a start up she wanted us all in. In the begining i was laughing, but the more i thought about it, the more i realized she's on to something. Hey who knows, maybe by the ends of this uear i'll be counting my money. Cher asked me if we make it if i'll leave my studies. I said no right away. Im a medical student after all. Im gonna start next week my 4th year. Imve been thought half of it. Will i give it up? If i had the money to not have to work another day in my life, will i stop? This thought aches in my mind.
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Day #3 28.09.21 noon
Dear diary, i know i told you i wont talk to you until the evening, trying to limit my time with you. But i couldnt, i need you.
My mom came into my room, i was listening to music in my earphones. She told me 'turn it off' and came in, uninvited and without knoking ofc. She stayed on the same path of completely missing the point. She told she "are you ok in the head?" Again, like im a fucking crazy person. She acted as if she didnt say some things and didnt remember. How convinient. At skme point she told me "do you even have emotions?" Damn it i wish i didnt have any. She painted me like a fucking sociopath, or is it psychopath? For what? How did we get here? I asked her to leave. She didnt. She said my brother was ok. I so mad i screamed to my dad through my door "you see! I told you she says he didnt do anything!" I slowly closed up bit by bit. With mg arms crossed i saw on the bed, my back against the wall. My dad came upstairs and sat between us. I told him i wont talk to her, i see whqt she thinks of me and im done. She didnt go. My dad tried to play the peacemaker, as if he doesnt take sides, but i could see he actualy thinks my mom is the right one. They talked about not being here forever and wanting me and my brother to stay close. I told them theres no connection. The reason this got out of proportion is my mothers involvment. I would move past the thing that happened with my brother. But moving past the thing with my mother, after everything she said about me? O dunno. My dad made us hug it out. But i realt want to go home. They want me to talk to my brother, my 10 years older than me brother, and say lets move on and i apologize. I told them i won't unless he does too. Also i dont get it, why am i always the adult? Why does he get free pass on adulting? Even at the moment of the fight he acted like a fucking child, and they axcuse him as such. "He was kidding". The joke was on me, and still is. An adult can read a room, amd he didnt even have to do that, my mom told him to stop, multiple times. Its so nice you try to keep the family together, dad, wish you thought of it when i was 5 and you were alcoholic. Remember the things you used to say to mom? Yeah, way worst than what i could ever say to my brother.
Im going with some friends to a resturant in an hour, i should go shower.
P.S she called me out for not eating for 3 days or so, good thing i ate mcdonalds yesterday, i could pull it right off my head.
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Day #3 28/09/21
Dear diary, i decided its best i also put the dates on you. I know how dynamic my life can get, so to do itcorrectly i have to know when shit went down.
I barely fell asleep last night. Not for the reasons you might think. Its emberessing to admit it, but my mind was full of my desires. The last time i had sexual intercourse was before i left for this 'vacation', if you can call it that. Im sure you'll hear more about that story when i get back home.
My dads story achoes in my mind. Ever since i got here he marked me as 'lefty' (meaning of course, the left side of the political map) and he was so rude about it. The fact i dont like 1 persons ways and curroption doesnt mean im not on their side of the map. Not that it matters, i dont identify as righy either, i dont identify at all. But me and him had our stuggles when it comes to political views, he used to get so mad. My mom would always come to me and be like "youre not ok, stop fighting with him" even tho it was him who started it, him who got mad. I can debate in peace, i dont like to at all, but i can. So everytime he would make those remarks i would keep quiet, even tho for me, i had so much to say. I told my mom only a week ago that im not gonna take this teasings, and to tell him to stop. If i try to avoid a problem, so should he. Its a bit weird, sometimes i fwel detached from this family. They all have the same opinions, same way of thinking, while i just feel like i dont fit. My brother is married with a kid already, and he chose to live as close as possible to my parents. He also lived in their house until he was 31 and married. Me on the other hand, after my service -which made sure i wasnt around often - i worked for a year and then that was it, shipped myself abroad. In the 1st year i lived with a roomate, but it didnt work out. By the 2nd year i was living alone, and loving every moment of it. or, almost every moment.
This is how the fight started few days ago. A political stuff came to the table and my brother took it to the wrong place. When i saw it will get heated i bit my tongue and kept silent as my mom started yelling at us to stop.
And i did, and he didnt. Instead he just smirked and in a sarcastic ton declared "you know why she keeps quiet? Cause she knows nothing changed".
Something in my mind shifted at that moment. Here i am, trying to avoid a fight, and because of it he uses it to diss my opinions, to act as if my opinion is stupid basicaly. The sarcasem and degration in his voice, while my mom keep yelling to stop.
I started to yell at my mom, so she will know, that because of her telling me to shut it he lets himself think hes superior or something. That she won't blame it on me again, this is his shit. And i yelled at him that im trying to avoid a confortation and i got plenty to say, and that he will not disrespect my opinions. As if he wasnt getting it he continued to act.... smug. Making it out so i am the crazy kne for yelling. As if this is proving my opinion was wrong. I got so mad, i dont remember half of it now, but thats the important part of it.
Why everytime i say something that doesnt fit this familys opinions do i need to get beraded for it? I just... had enough. And i do understand i might have went over the top. But he is not a saint either. And you know what? After all those years of this exact behavior, it felt good. For a moment. Then the fights with my mom started, will let you know in the evening.
Im still thinkibg of the mcdonalds i ate yesterday, what a waste.
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Day #2
Dear diary, i got home a few hours ago, my parents were already asleep, thank god. I honestly think i wouldnt be able to handle it today. I ate mcdonalds, went all in with the meal, and took milkshake too. Damn it. I can't even do my eating disorder right. I drove into an abandoned parking lot, so noone will see me munch on. Its so stressful trying to be perfect while emotionaly eating, so im glad i found an epty place to do it. I usualy do it in my room, but you can understand why i didnt feel like it.
I proofread for the first time what i wrote to you before, im emberessed to admit i posted like this. So many mistakes, you know, the ones you make when you just write whatever comes to mind? I thought about fixing them, but maybe i should keep them for now.
I also smoked. Before mcdonalds. I rolled in this old people neighborhood, they were looking at me funny as i tried to hide my joint. I smoked in the car with my windows open, so i could see why they would find this suspicious. I couldnt get myself to leave the car, even tho there was a nice bench to sit on, and only 3 people around. I felt like everyone stares at me. I threw it halfway, i could handle the stress. It felt like that one time i smoked in my room and my father got home early. That kind of stress lingers in you. I wish i was back abroad, in my home. Soon.
When i got home it was still pretty early, so ive been wqtching 'law and order svu', its comforting it an unexplained way. You would think that all the horrible stories would make someone sad. Dont get me wrong, i profoundly feel uncomfterable watching the victims talk. They built such emersivd stories, you cant help but feel... intriged? Its also nice to see the detectives fight for the victims, to see them care. I like nick amaro, he's the kind of man i hope to see more of in general.
Maybe i should limit my time spend writing to you. I feel like its taking much of my day. I also feel like im glad i had this today. Do people limit their entries time? I should google it.
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Day #2
Dear diary, im not sure where i am. I just took the car and drove away. I know it sounds a bit dramatic, but i honestly felt like i need to get out.
After i started to realize they left without me, i went downstairs to make sure. My mom wasnt around, but i asked my dad-who decided to not go and its completely fine as you can see. He confirmed my mom left without me. And told me to sit down. He was acting like he wants to "talk" for the past 3 days, even since my fight with my brother and mother. I didn't sit, i went inside the house and took my bag and car key. He stopped me again and told me to sit. Out porch is pretty big. I stopped, waiting for him to talk.
He said "whats going on with you?" What a stupid question, i thought. You know very well whats up. I let out half a laugh for the irony, streightened the chair and sat. I told him whats up. Very clearly. I dont know if he acted like he understand or he actualy did. The labels i get ever since i got here, the disses, its not fair. What my mom told me in the fight we had? I told him i saw what she thinks of me and what am i supposed to do if she already made up her mind about me? Why do i need to fight? I told him that her stupid way of dissing my feelings while protecting my brother - my grown ass brother mind you - and saying he is a saint is not fair. But that im no longer gonna fight it, if tjats what she thinks, she can have it.
When my father was a kid he was dislectic. He should know better what its like to feel labeled. They used to say hes an idiot, stupid, cant even read or write. Back then they didnt know what it means a dislectic. And he suffered others ignorance. I told him that now, thats what i feel. What could he have done back then to fight those labels? Nothing. Thats how i feel. And i think he understood, i hope.
Its funny how from all people its my father who tried to get it. The reason i have so much bagage regarding him is the fact he had a drinking problem, or as its called, he was an alcoholic. And my whole life i couldnt explain why i had a beef with him, i locked those memories deep inside my mind so i wont remember, and when i did, it was a hellshow.
I thought im gonna go to mcdonalds drivethrough to take food, i still hasnt eaten. I decided to not do that for now, i dont want to be both sad and fat.
Im gonna go roll myself one, hope it will help
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Day #2- afternoon.
Dear diary, They left without me. I got up from the bed ive been glued to the whole day, i got dressed, even put some makeup on, i was ready. And they left without me. This is not in my head. They don't see my struggles and don't consider me part of the family. Might as well become what they think of me and start acting accordinly. Im done with trying to convice them im not what they claim i am, or try to fit in the box they want me in.
IM JUST DONE.
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Day #2 - noon
I woke up at 12pm or so. I had a realy nice dream, but i cant remember it now. I havent left my room yet, only to pee and wash my teeth. My aunt invited us over, and im not feeling it. She texted me yesterday, i bet my mom told her to do that, to make me go. Me and my mom fought, then my aunt texts me. Im not surprised, my mom always do that, take my personal shit and let it in the open. She did it when i was 16 as well, when i wouldn't eat. Call it however you want, but no matter which eating disorder you had, it never realy goes away. Not even when you "recover". Sometimes i get small relapses. I dont have a weighter (or whatever its called) in my home abroad, but here its just, staring at me. When i got here my aunt and mom said i got fatter "but it looks good on you" they said. Im so mad at my mom for this, she knew i had those issues, how can you throw me back in it? I lost 3 kgs in the past 2 weeks, im so proud of myself. Guess stress and depression can do some good. I can barely look myself in the mirror lately. I feel so... big. Double chin and fatass thights. But its ok, by the time i need to go back abroad, i'll be back to my normal weight in no time. I didnt eat today yet, its good. I know im regressing, but im torn inside. I know im doing something unhealthy, and i know its an escape mechanism, i also know i gained 5 kgs in the past year or so, and i have to lose them, I NEED THIS. I feel trapped, if i dont go today to my aunt im gonna be the gossip of my family (if im not already am), but i dont have the energy to go, im still mad, what if i have another outburst? Which is quiet inevitable. When i feel like it doesnt matter what i say people already chose to this or that, i usualy walk away. But i cant do that with family. So i just sit there, yelling and screaming while holding back my tears, trying to make them see the point they are so potent on ignoring. I just want them so say they understand, that im not mad thinking or feeling it. Instead, they say its in my head, im crazy, and im not ok.
Am i not ok? Am i going mad?
On one hand, i feel like my family is just... toxic. It feels weird to say. But what if its me? What if im the problem?
I feel alone.
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Day 1: night
Dear diary, im a bit worried about my last entry. I wasn't excpecting the feeling of anxiety you get from posting your deepest thoughts online. I hope it won't make me stop. I think i like sharing.
Im high, but happy.
My friend has this amazing ability of making me forget the sadness and fear i have inside. She helped me study for my next year. She's a pro. I love not being around the tension that feels the air of my home nowadays.
Where was i? I can't remember what i explained to you earlier. In any case, i know i didnt tell you about my dad. He's a character. You know those grey characters you probably love due to their wits humor and charisma? So much you konda give them a free pass when thry act shitty? That type. I know it sounds awesome. But i swear its only nice om tv. In real life, grow ass people, we can't excuse our shitty behavior for those reasons. You cam't forgive people who hurt you just cause they tell you they love you.
I don't hate him. I don't. But we get along much better when im abroad. I started to have issues with him when i was a teenager. I meam who doesnt? But it was specific. He never told md what to do or wear or when to come home. He was good at that part. Or maybe i was good at that part, they never had a reason to tell me no when i didnt give them anything tjey dont agree with. Anyways, he's a 'macho man' in his personal life, my mom cooks, cleans, work, and bsicly takes care of everything while he gets money. She used to sit with her sister and talk amd he would come from work and tell her to get him coffee. She used to drop everything she did and go do stuff he tells her. I felt like she was weak against him. Its rude, and he doesnt care. It took me few years to understand it what they chose and thats their erangment, not mine. Well, its debatable, but a stury for another time.
After i grew out of the phase i still had bad moments with him, but i felt ungratrful. Here i am, studying with their money, they gave me alot, they work hard so i will be able to start working with a M.D doctor title, they never told me no. What an ungrateful shit.
I barely remember the moment i remembered i was lying to myself, and are we lying to everyone? My parents pride themselves for the fact they never fight. And we pride them in it. Although, i remember now, i remember the fights.
I'll continue this tomorrow, i want to enjoy the last moments of my high now.
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Day #1:
Dear diary, its my 1st time doing this, i don't know how to start. Maybe i should explain why i feel that i need you? Although, that feels like a long story i don't know where to start as well. I feel frusturated. I had a fight with my mom just a few hours ago, and i couldnt stop crying ever since. I took the car and drove away, i was planning on buying cigarrets. I stop smoking 3 months ago, after i finished my exams at my university, and i promised myself that was it. So as a quiter, you might see how grave things are for me at the moment. Just to make it clearer, i was drunk at a party with friends, they offered me a cigarrete and i said no. There, perfect example of willpower. I got to the gas station, there were so many cars there, so many people. I felt trapped inside my own car, couldn't go out. Is this how anxiety feels? I havent felt it since high school. Maybe i'm regresing? I didnt buy the cigs. I drove to the beach instead. Also, so many cars, would you believe it? I can't leave now, can't even listen to the radio. I think the reason i need you is cause, i jist need someone who won't judge me. Someone who will except me no matter what. You know, like family supposed to do. It just feels like they wanted me to be this very specific version of some girl i can never be. And at the parts that im not they just want to keep me silent. Pretty and quiet. No opinions - unless its theirs as well, of course. "You think like youre better than us" like, im sorry for trying hard to fit into your box? Im sorry my opinions are different than yours? It feels like she reflects something onto me, as she did since forever. And why we fought? Honestly ive been writing and deleting, everytime i try to explain i feel like thetes more info i need to explain 1st.
When i was 14 i was very pro lgbtq+ (as i still am), my mom told me "dont turn out like that" imagine my shocked 14 yo brain, realizing you parents are only acting excepting. "What do you mean? What if i will be?" I answered, almost laughing, i couldnt help but think it was a joke. "They have hard life..." lecture started. To be fair, im not gay, or bi, but what if i was? That thought lingered in me ever since, as i tried to move on from it. I rationalized that back then, it was a logical thinking and not homophobia.
You need to understand, my family gets A+ in being the perfect 'on the paper' family. Everytime i felt something is not ok, i jad to also look at how "perfect" they are. To the point i put everything that didnt fit this story we tell ourself deep inside a locked box in my brain. Pandora box that opened little by little, and now, i need to deal with it.
I would love to tell you more, but im meeting a friend to smoke and forget my like sucks.
You know, it feels like im a teenager again.
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