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Consider Our Knowledge
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Trees Celebrate Arbor Day With Uninhibited Sexual Display
Trees communicate. They migrate. They protect. They heal. This year for Arbor Day they are having an uninhibited sex party. Trees all over the nation are spending today having a full on arboreal fuck fest to celebrate a holiday that promotes the planting of trees. "Planting trees is so critical to saving our planet," said Dan Lambe, CEO of the Arbor Day Foundation. "In addition to planting trees, tree sex is key to allowing plant life to grow and flourish." This Arbor Day's unbridled sexual display will reportedly allow for more trees to be created, as well as helping the health of existing trees who just need to get their nut.
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Report: Someone's In Here!
A newly released report outlines that someone is in the stall that you just attempted to open in a public lavatory. Rather than looking to see if someone was already in there, you jiggled the door handle only to hear, "someone's in here!" According to the report, upon closer inspection the individual in the stall was taking a pretty loud, messy dump that you probably should have been aware of, and that clearly led to the sound of panic in their voice when you attempted to open the stall door. The report concludes that you should probably look elsewhere for a bathroom since this one is a one seater, and that person won't be done for a while, and even when they are, it won't be pretty.
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Being in Court Way Less Fun Than Cheating at Golf
Orange menace Donald Trump’s attacks on witnesses and jurors pose a “threat” to his landmark criminal trial, prosecutors argued Tuesday while urging a judge to hold him in contempt of court over what they said were 11 violations of a gag order imposed to protect those close to the case. Trump just can't seem to keep his mouth shut and has continued to flout the gag order, calling two key witnesses “sleaze bags” and reposting an attack on the jury pool. Trump’s lawyer, Todd Blanche, argued that Mr. Trump’s posts were political in nature, and did not violate the order because he was simply responding to “a barrage of political attacks” and "telling it like it is because he's such a put-upon victim of a completely baseless witch hunt." No matter what the truth is, Trump would so obviously rather be on the golf course cheating his "friends" than in court being held accountable for being a complete and total piece of shit.
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Tesla Drops Prices For Some Of Its Models, But Not This Monstrosity
Tesla has slashed prices for its annoyingly overpriced electric vehicles in the United States, China and other countries. In the U.S., the company reduced the starting prices of its Model X, Model Y, and Model S by $2,000, which is a drop of less than 5% for the most affordable model. Prices for Model 3 and the ugly, overrated Cybertruck remained the same, despite recalls for the Cybertruck due to safety issues related to its accelerator pedal. The electric vehicle manufacturer laid off 10% of its staff last Tuesday, so things are going swimmingly for Tesla right now. At the risk of editorializing, we here at COK are positively ecstatic to see another one of Elon Musk's ventures crashing and burning harder than a runaway Cybertruck with a broken accelerator pedal.
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Report: New Taylor Swift Album Found to Cure Sleep Apnea, Some Forms of Cancer
Taylor Swift's new album was met with the requisite excitement when it was released at midnight on Friday. “The Tortured Poets Department” is a full-throated return to Swift's specialty: autobiographical and sometimes spiteful tales of heartbreak, full of detailed, referential lyrics that her fans will delight in decoding. Early reports that the album has been able to cure certain ailments are unconfirmed, but it seems as if Swift's music has yet again made marks that the singer herself couldn't have foreseen. According to doctors there have been several documented cases where the new Swift album has cured cases of sleep apnea, osteoporosis, and some forms of cancer. "I can't explain it, but we played 'So Long, London' a couple times and my patient's melanoma just disappeared," said Dr. Jay Moolman. "T-Swift is amazing, man."
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Caitlin Clark May Not Get Paid As Well As Her Male Counterparts, But At Least She Gets Sexually Harassed by the Press
Caitlin Clark was introduced as a member of the WNBA's Indiana Fever for the first time Wednesday, as the No. 1 draft pick met the media at Gainbridge Fieldhouse. While Clark will make much less than her male counterparts in the NBA, the star guard from Iowa will also have to deal with unwanted and inappropriate comments from male reporters. When it was his turn to ask Clark a question, Gregg Doyel, an award-winning columnist for The Indianapolis Star, made a heart gesture with his hands in her direction, which Clark recognized as the signal she gives her family after every game. That gesture has become associated with Clark and was featured in one of her State Farm commercials. When Clark made the association, Doyel responded in the most creepy misogynistic way, “Start doing it to me, and we’ll get along just fine.” There was near-universal agreement that what Doyel said was inappropriate, disrespectful to Clark, and generally uncomfortable. He has since apologized, but come on!
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Israel: We're Completely Justified to Keep Doing This Forever
Britain’s foreign secretary, David Cameron, acknowledged on Wednesday that Israel would respond to the major aerial attack that Iran launched against it over the weekend, as bloodthirsty Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu of Israel said his government would resist external pressure over its next step. "We're going to keep doing whatever we need to do, and that includes justifying mass murder for as long as we want," said a stoic Netanyahu, who has literally no qualms about plunging the entire region into an unending conflict. "You can't stop us." Iran’s attack on Israel has shifted focus from the war in Gaza, but Israeli military operations will continue wherever they feel threatened, which is everywhere by everyone.
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USC Cancels Valedictorian's Speech After Student Revealed to be Not Spoiled Enough
The University of Southern California has announced that it canceled plans for a graduation speech by this year’s valedictorian, Asna Tabassum, who is Muslim. The school said the decision stemmed from security concerns, after several pro-Israeli groups objected to her social media posts supporting Palestinians. USC's reasons for canceling the speech drew immediate criticism from the Los Angeles office of the Council on American-Islamic Relations, as well as from Ms. Tabassum, but those reasons were allegedly just a smokescreen for the real reason. "Ms. Tabassum may be Muslim, but the real reason her speech was canceled is that she is not sufficiently spoiled. Our students are some of the most spoiled, entitled grads in the world, and we have a reputation to uphold," said Provost Andrew T. Guzman. "They don't call us the University of Spoiled Children for nothing, and we will find a much more spoiled student to give a speech at graduation."
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Trump Gets All Made Up to Begin First Criminal Trial
As the first criminal trial of an American president was set to begin Monday, the judge overseeing the case against Donald Trump once again declined to step aside, and was poised to weigh whether to punish the former president for possibly violating a gag order. The trial will officially begin with jury selection, which could take two weeks or more, and the trial may spill into June. Trump, who slapped on a liberal amount of his trademark pancake makeup, is expected to be in the courtroom for much of it, instead of on the campaign trail, yelling to his slack-jawed followers about his usual list of grievances which includes this trial. Trump, who might take the witness stand in his own defense, has denied the sexual encounter with Stormy Daniels, but also could end up admitting it, given his habit of rambling incoherently and bragging about how much women want to have sex with him.
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O.J. Can Finally Rest, Knowing His Wife's Killer is Dead
One-time football great, two-time murderer, and three-time Naked Gun sidekick, O.J. Simpson, has died. Simpson was 76 and had been battling cancer. In a post on X, his family said Simpson died on Wednesday, surrounded by family members he hadn't yet stabbed in a fit of rage. In 1994, he made headlines when he was accused of killing his ex-wife, Nicole Brown Simpson, and her friend Ronald Goldman. Despite mountains of evidence implicating Simpson, he was acquitted in the "trial of the century." Shockingly, the "real killers" were never found, and nobody else was ever charged. "On April 10th, our father, Orenthal James Simpson, succumbed to his battle with cancer. He was surrounded by his children and grandchildren. We are comforted to know that he can finally rest, secure in the knowledge that his ex-wife's killer is now dead." said his family in their statement.
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Entire State of Arizona Time Travels Back to 1864
In a stunning, but not unsurprising move, Arizona’s highest court upheld an 1864 law that bans nearly all abortions, a decision that could have far-reaching consequences for women’s health care and election-year politics in a critical battleground state. But the law is not immediately in effect, Arizona is still somewhat wary of time traveling back to a time when slaves were still a thing, the average life expectancy was 39.4, and Arizona wouldn't even be a state for another 48 years. Until now, abortion had been legal in Arizona through 15 weeks of pregnancy, but since the overturning of Roe v. Wade, supporters and opponents of abortion rights in Arizona had been hoping to thrust their state back to a more savage time that is in keeping with their insane, "Christian," nonsensical values.
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Truth Social Stock Sucking Even More Than It Does
About two weeks since its meteoric debut, shares of Truth Social are slumping, wiping out billions of dollars in value in former President's Trump's stake. Shares of Trump Media & Technology Group — the company behind Truth Social — lost 8% on Monday after already losing 12% on Friday. The massive slide in stock value has wiped out over $3 billion of Trump's stake in the company, of which he is the majority shareholder. Under his current agreement, Trump is not allowed to sell his shares until September which hopefully means that by then they will be worth what financial experts call, diddly shit.
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Hopefully Trump Goes Blind From Staring at Eclipse This Time
Across North America on Monday, the moon will materialize and cover the sun, casting a shadow over a swath of Earth below, causing a total solar eclipse. The partial eclipse will first make landfall in North America near Mazatlán, Mexico, around 12:51 p.m. Eastern. It will reach the edge of Texas, near Eagle Pass, around 1:10 p.m. Canada will catch its first glimpse at 3:12 p.m. In 2017, during a similar eclipse, President Donald Trump was dumb enough to stare directly at the sun without eye protection for way longer than anyone should. There is a hope that Trump, who is still a complete moron, will go blind staring at today's eclipse. "That asshole should have been blinded last time. I told him to wear his glasses, but he didn't listen. God, I hope he goes blind today," said Trump's wife Melania.
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4.8 Magnitude Earthquake Causes Several Brooklyn Hipsters to Spill Their Kombucha
A magnitude-4.8 earthquake originating near Lebanon, N.J., rumbled through the northeastern United States at 10:23 a.m. on Friday, according to the United States Geological Survey, sending tremors from Philadelphia to Boston and jolting buildings in Manhattan and throughout the five boroughs. The New York Police Department said it had no immediate reports of damage, and Mayor Eric Adams said in a statement Friday morning that New York City did not have any reports of “major impacts or injuries” so far. "The worst thing that I've heard about is that several hipsters in Brooklyn spilled their morning kombucha as a result of the quake," said Mayor Adams. "That earthquake was scary, man. And it made me spill this delicious pear and chrysanthemum kombucha," said Williamsburg resident Cicada Shortz.
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COK Recipe Corner: Grandma's Egg Salad She Used to Make For Your Grandpa Even Though it Was a Loveless Marriage She Couldn't Get Out Of Because That Kind of Thing Just Wasn't Done Back Then
Introducing a new series from Consider Our Knowledge- COK's Recipe Corner! Here we will share some great recipes that you can try. Today we have Grandma's Egg Salad.
This classic, egg salad requires only a few kitchen staples and the time it takes it to hard-boil and peel eggs. Seasoned simply with mayonnaise, Dijon mustard, salt and pepper, it makes for a delicious sandwich piled on toasted bread, or a quick snack with crackers- just like your grandmother made for your grandfather while she tried to decide if it was worth it to stay in a loveless marriage purely for her children. Chop the hard-boiled eggs finely for a smooth, creamy texture, or coarsely for larger pieces of egg in each bite. Larger egg pieces might be good if you want to see if that buffoon will choke to death on his sandwich and leave you free to pursue, Jerry, the sexy milkman you fantasize about every day while you smoke cigarettes and read Harper's Bazaar and wait for your kids to get home from school. This basic recipe can be dressed up with whatever green herbs you have on hand, or add a handful of finely chopped celery for some crunch. 8 eggs will make 4 servings that you won't get to enjoy any of because your husband and kids eat it all first.
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Ukraine Lowers Draft Age to Bolster Its Armed Forces
President Volodymyr Zelensky of Ukraine has signed off on new measures aimed at replenishing the ranks of his country’s exhausted and battered army, including the politically poisonous step of lowering the age when men become eligible for mobilization. Parliament passed the legislation lowering the draft eligibility age from 27, to 2, last May, but Mr. Zelensky had delayed signing it in hopes that it would not be needed. He relented on Tuesday and signed the measure. "We must now get every able bodied, man, boy, teen, tween, kid, and toddler ready to fight," said Zelensky. Russia will now have to deal with the fury of Ukrainian babies. Good luck, some of them are teething, and they're pissed."
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Netanyahu: Only Kosher Meals Will Be Served in Gaza
The World Central Kitchen, the international food charity founded by chef José Andrés, announced on Tuesday that it would be pausing aid operations after an Israeli airstrike killed seven of the organization's workers in Gaza. Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin "Bombs Away" Netanyahu acknowledged the strike in a cold, unfeeling video statement Tuesday. "Unfortunately, during the last day there was a tragic case of an unintentional hit by our forces of innocent people in the Gaza Strip. This happens in war," Netanyahu said with the warmth of a serial killer. "We will only allow Kosher meals in Gaza going forward, so let that be a lesson to all food charities who don't want to get bombed."
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