coats-and-plants

[coats-and-plants]

P. S. - you won't worth less because of your illness!

[coats-and-plants]

Your norm will change. And so will you.

Dear Younger Self,

By the time you are almost 25... it will turn out that you have developed a late stage lymphoma and you are currently through cancer treatment.

What I can surely tell you so far is that it is completely treatable - but you will face the biggest fucking challenge of your life.

This is not the important part however; what I want to tell you about is that how much of your view and normal will change during those weeks.

Your new normal will be that they will stick down tubes on your central vein. They will stab, cut, RTG, CT scan you. You will receive lots and lots of steroids, poisons, medicines so they can save your life.

You will be woken up everyday at 5am, for bloodwork. You will anxiously check all of your daily bloodwork reports, hoping for not-so-shitty numbers. They will be shitty. You will cry.

You will be in pain. So much pain. You will have dreamless nights.

Your "normal" schedule will change as you are not working. Your days will go by with god knows what, because I don't even know what I'm doing in there, the days just pass. Weeks will go by.

Your normal will be that you can't see your family or friends. Nobody can visit you. You will receive support of course from everyone around you, and also unconditional love. Places you wouldn't even imagine it from. Try to accept it better than me, and not think of yourself as a burden.

Your new normal will be that you can't even walk without feeling like passing out. You will be shaky and lightheaded most of your time. You will be hungry 99% of the time.

You will experience hairloss and eventually you'll be bald. Don't worry, it will grow back - but for a while, it will be a constant reminder of your illness.

Your new normal will be is that you can walk out to the local shop with your mother. You can spend an hour outside on the early March air. And you will feel better, but you will crash after it. Consider this as an achievement.

Most importantly, what I urge you to do is the following:

Your new normal is the biggest fucking challenge of your life.

Do not fight it. Let yourself accept it, because it is happening for your survival, your life and your complete healing. Be patient, allowing and caring with yourself. Love, laugh, be mindful, and try not to lose your spirit.

I will get my normal back eventually. My apartment, room, mountains, and potential to reach all the things I want to reach this year. I will get all this back.

You never were a patient person and won't be this time either. But I'm currently in a way to build a new normal for us - combined with the new changes and the most important knowledge I had experienced during these weeks: with time.

I will build up from this... But slower. Because you have time. We have time.

Take care. Sending you my love.

E.

[coats-and-plants]

god how MUCH i hate periods

[coats-and-plants]

time

i am amazed by the fact that how much time can slow, and almost stop on a rainy day, with a good cup of coffee and some chill music.

i live for these moments.

[coats-and-plants]

spring rain

i happen to be living in an amazing part of my city, Budapest. i am surrounded by mountains, covered with trees, a giant field is basically behind me, this almost magical view is basically from a few steps away from me, and I love everything about it.

even though it is spring now, the weather doesn't reflect this too much, but today the light is a bit warmer, and the spring rain just gently flowing down from the sky.

I emerged a few hours earlier from my after-night-shift-slumber, and I just feel empty, exhausted, like a shell of myself. I made myself a cup of coffee, opened my balcony door as wide as i could and just stood there, watching the pouring rain, listening to the birds chirping, looking at the slowly-blooming trees, the contrast of the greening mountains and the grey sky... and i feel much better. fuller.

this environment almost puts me into a fantasy-like mindset, i feel like i am my own fantasy character, who just happened to spawn here. when i think about the woods, i also think about fairies, little goblin settlements, the numerous animals who live there, the "lootable" little dungeons i can find near the hiking trails... it feels amazing.

this vision helps me gain back... basically myself. i love spring rainy days and i just realized how much i love them living in the woods

#spring rain #fantasy #spring #myself

[coats-and-plants]

so i found the key for working out

don't work out/work on yourself because you love yourself.

wourkout because you hate yourself. you hate your body so much, that you want it to be another way, you want it to be less than it is now.

BUT

do. not. hate. you.

you as your values, your personality, your pride, your skills, thoughts, everything that is within you.

#workout #working out #body posititivity #self love #self hate #body image

[coats-and-plants]

i like spending time by myself

which is an incredibly big problem as one of my friends will have a birthday party on the weekend which i am invited, but i really don’t want to go. at this point it is kind of scary how much i love being in my own company, it’s actually scary.

[coats-and-plants]

i cleaned my mirror today

... which on itself obviously not a big deal, but as i’m struggling with depression and haven’t left the house for at least two weeks, this is kind of a big deal for me. 

[coats-and-plants]

so apparently, depression has a million faces

i was off-work yesterday and before that, and even though i wanted to go thrifting to expand my dark academia aesthetic wardrobe, i couldn’t even get myself out of the bed ‘til like 11 (on Sunday it was 2PM btw). when i was finally emerged from my cocoon, i made a coffee and instantly hopped in front of the TV on the couch, and started playing Mass Effect Andromeda. 

the reason i like playing so much lately is not only because of the love of video games, as i found out devastatingly yesterday, but due to the fact that video games are almost the only platform when i can be useful and have the... maybe the amount of friends i could/should have. i am almost like a neckbeard without the bitterness, i guess. i even had the smell yesterday, as gross as it sounds, due to the fact that i just didn’t had the mental energy to take a shower.  like, imagine the scenario: me, in front of the tv with my red ass PS controller, munching on a bag of KFC chicken which i really regret buying and spending money on, but depression can make you regret anything, right? so i’m sitting there, covered in KFC grease, doing the amount of missions i have to do frantically, almost like i am in a trance... meanwhile my best friend is trying to text me about her new cooking milestone, my other best friend’s girlfriend is DM-ing me, her bf is calling me, my mom is asking what is up with me. did i answer? hell to the fucking no. 

around 7PM i finally decided to stop playing the game (yes, after 8 fucking hours on my day off), got my ass up, went to the kitchen, did dishes, swept the floor and -actually- called a friend. we talked a little while i was destroying my way through cigarettes and finally i went to bed. yes, without showering.  i couldn’t sleep of course, as why could i naturally, because i had to play my favourite series in my head which is “how many things i can regret tonight without crying?” after that wonderful day of mine, i closed my eyes and slept 1-2 hours with 10-20min breaks, as i do it since weeks.

well... depression fucking sucks ass. 

#depression #depression thoughts #burnout #videogames

[coats-and-plants]

sometimes you can try everything and shit still doesnt fucking work out

this is one of the biggest lessons i had to learn i life, and my work is definitely helps in it. a lot. 

sometimes i really hate my job, even though i love it. 

[coats-and-plants]

i forgot how a text looks

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