cdrcrowdedroom

[cdrcrowdedroom]

11 days. i’ve cried every day for the last 11 days. I’ve gotten horrible sleep, i can’t eat well at all, and I’ve noticed in my pictures that my eyes are dead. everyone is going to hate me because of the state im in, and i know it so i avoid talking to them so they won’t be stunned with misery as ive been. yes, im isolating myself further by the day, but i can’t bear going through this cycle again that’s so expected of me at this point.

therefore, ive decided that whenever i cry, my day has ended. yesterday it was 11:30 pm, today it’s 12:25 pm. mentally, im already sleeping — the only reason my body is yet to catch up is because i forced myself to do the laundry, and ill need to be on top of it in the i case that my roommates need to do theirs. i can’t give them any more reason to hate me; they must be so relieved that ive stopped reading so they don’t have to hear my voice anymore. im with them, because since that day ive hated the sound of my voice.

i miss being happy. but now as i think on it, i don’t remember a day in recent memory when my happiness didn’t depend on her. even hearing from her once sustained me for the whole day. now im barely hearing from her at all because she barely hears from me, and nothing “from” me, even because i can’t bear to talk about myself and my days which have been filled with gray and sick with tears. id rather just hear about her day still. extend that to her of which i can’t do for myself; spare her of my word vomit.

i want to remember happiness, true happiness, but then i don’t. im scared of what it means to be happy without her — thoughts of, the essence, just her. she’s happy without me, as she should be, but she wouldn’t be happy knowing im unhappy as a result of my feelings. yet how do i begin to tell her … her, the foundation of my happiness, has split my well open and run me dry? but even that’s not true, is it? otherwise i wouldn’t be ending my day at 12:25 pm on a sunny saturday because i cried for the 11th day straight.

#im so miserable #and tired #this is the worst feeling ive ever had #heartbreak #lesbian #writing #sapphic #tumblr diary

[cdrcrowdedroom]

is it wrong .

is it so wrong to believe that im still in this ? that there’s a sliver of a chance i could still be the one for her ? those words keep playing in my head and i just don’t understand it … this is the third time . the THIRD TIME . and yet im still so undoubtedly, foolishly, wholly in love with her . and im the only one hurting in this . im hurting myself continuing to feel this way, but these feelings don’t shut off overnight . i couldn’t do it three months ago, i can’t do it now . i love her . i want to be with her … how do i just turn that off ? but im so tired of the “what ifs” and the “maybes” there’s nothing to be in confusion about . she loves me — platonically . and i do too, it’s just … why does my heart still tether to her romantically even when i know i shouldn’t … why can’t i let it go ?

i can’t keep doing this to myself . i know this story already, why is this one any different ?

but god, if there is even a sliver of a chance . any sort of hope, any movement in my favor … show me . please . i know it’s a big ask, but how do you bring me a love that genuinely feels like love but isn’t supposed to be ? it just can’t be . im okay with waiting, i don’t care how long, i just want to know i have a chance before i do . im hopeful and hopeless .

i love her so much . please tell me it’s not wrong .

#as you can see #im in a bit of a rough spot right now #writing #journal #heartbreak #lesbian #nblw

[cdrcrowdedroom]

oh hi it’s been a while huh

#yeah so #im still in love with her #!!!! #and i sent her a gift package recently #she might’ve gotten it today idk yet #my heart is racing so bad #I’ve started to bookmark all my tweets being a lovesick fool for her #gosh I’ve wanted her since day ONE #but i only recognized my crush on her six months ago #Which #SIX MONTHS AGO ???? #and still YET ! #we talk everyday :3 which is so lovely i love hearing about her day #makes me sad when she gets ill #los angeles stop being so gloomy ur making her sad :( #i hope she’s smiling rn #or getting ready for some warm sleep and dreams #ACK i love her #I looooove her !!! #<333333 #lesbian #nblw #wlw #sapphic

[cdrcrowdedroom]

[cdrcrowdedroom]

i love girls that are weird about the moon

#me !!! #i called my dad about the moon earlier #he’s sad he didn’t see her #but i did !! #she’s so pretty <3

[cdrcrowdedroom]

ill love you in the way that when others look at you, you’ll know it’s in the same way i do — the most authentically beautiful woman stretching all the way to GN-z11.

#thoughts from twitter the other day #lesbian #nblw #manifesting #wlw #sapphic #bisexual #she’s sooooooooo beautiful it’s unreal inside and out #💗💘💕💘💓💝 #im so gay #but happy #writing #oh i suppose this is also #astronomy #galaxies #gn z11 #solar system

[cdrcrowdedroom]

[cdrcrowdedroom]

[cdrcrowdedroom]

[cdrcrowdedroom]

The devil works hard but the Hollywood propaganda machine and the White liberals who take part in it work harder.

[cdrcrowdedroom]

bruised

[cdrcrowdedroom]

dear black lesbians, who are cis or trans or nonbinary, who are butch or stud or femme or none of the above...

i kiss your cheeks and forehead, mwah, and i hug you tight and warm and so close as i say i love you, i love you, i love you.

i see you, i hear you, i am happy you are here. you're not alone. I'll hold your hand through it all, ok?

i love you. do you hear me? i love you. eternally.

🤎❤️🧡🤍🩷💖

[cdrcrowdedroom]

lesbians, pause whatever you're doing, just for a second or two, and remember this:

you are a lesbian.

isn't that so beautiful? ❤️🧡🤍🩷💖

[cdrcrowdedroom]

Art by @jeniferprince

[cdrcrowdedroom]

I would give anything -

Anything at all -

To have her look at me like that;

To feel her pressed up against me,

To breathe her in as if I’m drowning,

Gasping for air.

I want to tell her I love her,

Then put my mouth against her neck

And show her what that love feels like;

Proving it to her.

She means the world to me,

And I would give the world to have her.

I would die today,

If it meant I could die in her arms.

Her lips against mine,

Saying she loves me

As it all fades away.

~LV

[cdrcrowdedroom]

[cdrcrowdedroom]

“Writing is like breathing, it's possible to learn to do it well, but the point is to do it no matter what.” — Julia Cameron