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I have fibromyalgia and a lot of people think it’s a fake illness or that isn’t that bad. The truth is, it affects my life on a daily basis. You see, fibromyalgia causes a lot of issues but it’s mainly widespread pain and intense fatigue:
All of these symptoms make it hard to do even the simplest tasks. While the disease can be helped by medication, it will never go away and goes through cycles of feeling better and having a flare up. Here are some examples of what may cause a fibromyalgia flare up:
And for those of you who aren’t sure what causes the pain with fibromyalgia, here’s a brief explanation:
And these are the risk factors:
Unfortunately, mine was caused by emotional trauma in the form of abuse and my main trigger for a flare up is stress. This long explanation is leading to my current flare up. It was caused by verbal and mental abuse at work (I’m looking for a new job but not having much luck yet). Before anyone says anything, I did try to get out of the situation. I asked to be moved to a different team and I also requested my role be changed (I voluntarily asked to be demoted) but both requests went ignored.
The team I work with takes advantage of my tendency to want to help by expecting me to do everything for them. If I tell them they need to do it themselves because it’s part of THEIR job, they go over my head, and complain to the manager who then tells me I need to do what they’re asking. They also make rude comments about me in our team chat and in team meetings. I’ve talked to the manager about this, but again, it gets ignored. This past week was really rough. I ended up crying twice last week and then developed a migraine that lasted 3 days. (Oh! Migraines are also another lovely gift from fibromyalgia). Let me just say, I don’t normally cry. I usually get angry and frustrated but I rarely cry. However, I felt so (I hate this word because it’s overused) attacked and there seemed to be no reason for it other than I expected them to do their job. After the second incident, I had this epiphany that the abuse I was experiencing was exactly like the kind of abuse I escaped from over 2 years ago.
This realization made me break down and sob. I’ve worked so hard to build myself back up after the abuse I’d endured for decades at the hands of a relative and I was doing better. I was feeling stronger and solid and more confident, so to realize I’m right back where I was…it broke me.
How did this happen? I thought I wasn’t allowing people to push me or bully me anymore but here I am, being bullied and attacked at work. People will say it’s just because they’re jealous or insecure or intimidated, but when they tear me down and tell people I’m an idiot and don’t know what I’m doing, it’s hard not to feel like maybe they’re right.
This past week actually triggered the PTSD I have from my past abuse which also triggered a flare up of my fibromyalgia. I woke up this morning feeling like I’d been hit by a truck and then drug behind it for miles. I have no energy, it’s hurts to stand for long periods of time because the muscles in my thighs feel like they’re burning and I feel like a failure. I haven’t showered in days, I haven’t cleaned and I haven’t even put up my Christmas tree. I feel like I’m on the verge of tears for no reason and I have no desire to do anything I usually enjoy.
I’m trying to get myself out of this situation with work for my own health, physical and mental, but I haven’t had much luck. I don’t know what else to do to keep these people I work with off my back. I don’t know how to find a better job with decent, caring people. Is this the world now? People who don’t give a fuck about how they treat others. Am I doomed to keep encountering people like this who take pleasure in tearing others down to build themselves up? If so, how the hell do I keep them from affecting me to protect my mental health?
I will say, I’ve shut myself down when it comes to work. I no longer care about keeping my manager happy or helping my teammates. They don’t care about how they treat me, so I’m not going to care about what they need from me. At this point, they can all go to hell and fuck themselves.
Now, I pray I find a better job with caring individuals who want peace at work. Let’s face it, work is stressful enough without having to deal with jerks.
#fibromyalgia#fibro problems#trauma#mental health#complex ptsd#fibro flare#emotional abuse#narcissistic abuse#abuse survivor#abuse mention
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I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again… I wish I was the type of woman that would be chosen. Chosen by the man, chosen for the job… but I’m not. I’m always the afterthought, the runner-up (or lower) and it really makes me question what my purpose is. Why the fuck am I even here?
I’m not good at anything in particular. I’m mediocre, average, nothing special, not important, incredibly forgettable. So why do I even try?
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I think there are some people out there that can relate to what I’m about to say.
I had a guy ask me for some pictures. Now, this guy and I were building a relationship and I felt I could trust him. So when he asked me for some pictures of me in my “birthday suit”, I was nervous but I decided to give it a try.
Let me just say, it’s a very exhilarating feeling taking photos of yourself sans clothing. It’s very empowering, but then you send them. Waiting for someone to respond to your very personal photos is agonizing, especially for a first timer. I finally caved and asked him if they were gross or too much. He replied and said they were “good”. Not great, not beautiful, not sexy…good. So I prodded a little bit and he finally said he thought they were sexy.
Most women (and probably some men) have an intuition that tells us when someone is lying to us, especially someone we’re in a relationship with. I knew he was lying to me, I could feel that he thought the photos were disgusting. That’s the word that kept going through my head “disgust”.
I’m a big woman, there’s no hiding that. I have a big stomach and a big ass and the pictures showed that. Also, he knew I was a big woman because I’d sent him pictures of me in a bikini. So to have him suddenly disgusted by me just deflated me completely.
I tried to continue the conversation but I started getting shorter and shorter responses from him. I left him alone for the rest of the day and then said good night to him about 6 hours later. He responded to that and I haven’t heard from him since. That was two days ago.
You know, it bruised my ego to realize he was disgusted by me but I refuse to let the opinion of this one man diminish how I see myself. I’m beautiful in my eyes, I’ve worked hard to learn to love my body. And I won’t let his stupidity tear down my confidence and self-esteem. I also refuse to chase him. If he’s not attracted to me, there’s no reason for me to try to have conversations with him or have him in my life. I’m putting myself above his opinion.
To anyone out there who reads this: you’re beautiful/handsome, you’re important and you’re worthy. 😘
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I thought things were going good with my guy. I asked him to come over and hang out and he seems really interested but my instincts keep telling me something isn’t right. I feel like he’s talking to other women but, of course, he says he’s not.
And it’s not just my instincts saying that. He isn’t really asking me questions anymore, the conversation always has to be about him. If I try to talk about me, he gets frustrated, doesn’t make any comments about what I said and then turns the conversation back to himself.
The other day he sent me a screenshot from his phone and he had 6 different message notifications: one was a text, 2 was Facebook Messenger and the last 3 were Discord. I didn’t even know what Discord was but apparently people use it like Tinder. I know he may not be but I can’t get out of my head that he’s talking to other women. He said we’re in a relationship and I wanted to believe him but I’m convinced I’m not the only one.
But am I convinced I’m not the only one because I’m scared of being in a relationship with him? It would be a big change and I will have to split up my time between him and the rest of my life. Is he worth doing that?
I’m partially certain I’m self-sabotaging this. Should I give him a chance? Should I listen to my instincts? I don’t know what to do. I just wish someone could tell me what to do because I hate being unsure. I don’t like uncertainties, especially when it comes to my heart.
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I’m confused. I have a man that told me he wants me to tell him what I’m thinking and feeling, even if I’m feeling insecure. So I did and I was, but now he’s pulling back and this leads me to be confused. Why say I can tell him anything if he doesn’t mean it??? Did he think I would do the opposite and keep my mouth shut? What happened to people saying what they mean and meaning what they say?
I know this guy is getting ready to bolt and I feel like a damn fool because, once again, I believed him when he said I was the only one and he was done looking. I really feel broken lately because I can’t seem to do anything right when it comes to relationships. I pull back and stay reserved, it’s not right. I open myself up and let them in, it’s not right. I’m sorry but I can’t do a happy medium, I’m either all in or all out.
I guess I need to be all out with this one. Back to square one again. 🤦🏼♀️
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Instincts. My instincts are telling me he’s pulling away. I feel this, I feel his energy slipping away. It makes me wonder what I did wrong. Did I do something wrong? Am I thinking about this the wrong way?
I’m putting his decisions on myself like I made a choice, but I didn’t. I can’t confront him about it because he’ll lie and say nothing has changed, but I feel it. I have the urge to cling to him, to keep him from going but I also have the urge to push him away. If he’s pulling away, why wait? I can just push him away now, get it over with. But then I’ll have regrets and I’ll try to go back to him.
I don’t understand why things can’t be consistent. But I guess consistency can only happen when he is sure of his feelings for me and he’s not sure. And if he’s not sure, I can’t convince him otherwise because it’s something he needs to work out.
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Why do I keep trying? I’m left as an option, a backup plan or every other choice but the first choice. So, why do I keep trying?
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