barelystandinginthisworld

[barelystandinginthisworld]

I'm so fucking tired.

I'm tired of myself.

I'm tired of people.

I'm tired of existing.

I'm tired of having to justify doing things when you're doing the same.

Of being told something and then shown the opposite.

I'm tired of ALWAYS coming second when it comes to them.

Of only being useful or talked to when its the only option.

I'm tired of the double standard always in their favor and getting the short end of the stick.

Of being shit on when it's pointed out so I stopped doing so.

I'm tired of the white lies when I try to reach out.

Of being dispensable, moved over and only being at your side only when I'm the only one there.

I'm tired of being a convenience.

I don't want to backpeddle all over again.

Cutting it off or "I already talked about it too much"

I'm tired of feeling distrusted.

Of being pitied.

I'm so tired of it.

Of being on the backburner again.

Of being pinned as the one in the wrong being upset about it.

Of being sorry.

I'm so so tired.

[barelystandinginthisworld]

I'm closing off again.

From you atleast.

Since I'm too much to handle, and you do so well at avoiding my presence with so many good reasons you've given.

It's obvious, or atleast on the surface in my eyes that I'm not worth the same efforts even if you say the opposite.

Actions unfortunately speak louder and your actions have been at a whisper, as though your offers only stand if another is there beside you to witness it or push you to.

All that feels like though is pity, maybe you just feel guilty, for what I don't know but I know it's not from a lack of knowledge.

I can't express my emotions right now, and god I want to trust me I wish I could just get everything out of my head properly without being confused or frustrated by it.

Everytime it seems I reach out and try to get help or talk about whats happening in my mind I'm met with a feeling of being brushed off or too much to handle.

I'm pushed off to the side when it's convenient, expected to know what's going on when I'm in the dark, white lies when all I want to do is be there like I'm always told to do when I'm in a bad state and lectured for doing exactly what you do.

I don't know why I try so hard anymore I'm burnt out and tired of everything but I'm too worried I'll fall even further behind.

That speaking my mind on how it gets in my head will get me tossed away once again, brought back when there's no one else.

And now I'm here awake and thinking too much about the same things.

#personal rant #dkrs #spilled ink

[barelystandinginthisworld]

I haven't the slightest clue of my mind since the summer.

Its numbed me so much that I can't grieve it.

Any of it.

I want to get better and I want to be better.

I haven't stopped trying to and I don't intend to anytime soon.

I know deep down I need to be happy and that I have the capacity because I have moments of happiness most days now.

But I also know that they're moments, fleeting ones at that

Once I'm alone it seems to flood back, the distractions of others and the comfort of being away from my thoughts seems to evaporate and all I want is for something, ANYTHING to keep the distractions and the moments of joy I can grasp to continue.

I want to be with others because I still can't handle myself alone.

Twenty two years and the past 10 I've been slowing down more and more, my thoughts spiraling and dropping trying desperately to grab onto any form of that yellow sunshine that they can in every attempt to outshine the bad and the sad and the overall destruction the chemicals in my head seem to be at a constant with

I refuse to be some "woe is me" everyday to every person I meet and say "I'm okay, the demons and the persecution inside my brain is all an illusion"

I became an illusion to myself, it's the only way I know how to keep it at bay and say I'm okay when all I know is when to pay for the day I spent pretending everything has gone away

When it hasn't even settled.

I don't know who to tell or how to say what's wrong because by the time I reach it

it's gone.

Not gone as in disappeared but the feeling, the tears and the fear just fades once I'm no longer alone.

I sob in my car for hours, I stare blankly at the wall picking and biting at my nails, I go silent or get angry or over-rationalize what's wrong as if what's wrong will be right if I decide it to be

I can't decide when somethings actually wrong because within moments my brain locks it away again for me to continue my next task

I reach out because I know I'm wrong and I know I want comfort but I'm also aware that once I reach it tends to end before I can achieve that.

I'm alone when I'm upset and once I'm in company, it's as if I never was.

I want to let it out, I want to sob and scream and ramble and yell about everything that passes through my head but it doesn't come out

I want it to.

I don't know if it's subconscious or if I'm just melodramatic and just over reacting to everything but I don't know if I've even reacted at all yet.

The summer has been gone for months

So has she.

And I have yet to grieve because I haven't the slightest idea how anymore.

There's more I want to say but I also don't know if it's something that should be read or if it needs to be heard.

#personal rant #spilled ink #dkrs #deep thoughts

[barelystandinginthisworld]

An apology to myself;

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I dont understand things like I should.

I'm sorry for being so numb to everything that's happened in the past and happening now.

I'm sorry for making it so hard to process your emotions and events in your life.

I'm sorry for making it feel like everyone has left for good.

I'm sorry for gaslighting and rationalizing all your thoughts and feelings until it all means nothing.

I'm sorry for ruining everything you know you should be happy about.

I'm sorry for causing all your doubts and overthinking and discouragement.

I'm sorry that I can't promise how long it will take to change that.

If I can even change it at this point in life.

#personal rant #dkrs #spilled ink #deep thoughts

[barelystandinginthisworld]

This rejected feeling could be nothing, it can just be my lack of medication but fuck does it consume everything in my mind.

The reassurance that I'm wrong and overthinking hasn't helped because all I see is the opposite of what I'm told.

I'm the second choice for everyone I'm aware of that.

No amount of "no that's not it" or "I've just been busy with work/school" will change that feeling when anytime I ask anyone to do anything together I'm met with that sentence and then shown or revealed that someone else got that time with them.

"It's a family thing"

You're at (blank)'s house you posted it on your story.

"I'm busy with the kid"

You sent me a text of you at the club.

I know I'm never the first choice even when I'm the first to ask.

So fuck everything and god I hope it's paranoia

[barelystandinginthisworld]

I'm not in a position to have these feelings of jealousy.

I don't have that right because you're not an object or a toy or mine.

I'm not dumb, I know I'm persistent and I'm alot and everyone is always trying to spare my feelings with white lies and empty promises.

But I'm not as blind as these prescription lenses might say I am

I know when people aren't saying the full truth, I know when things are bad and I know when people are just trying to be nice instead of sincere.

I've never worn rose colored glasses, atleast not since I was young.

Seeing the better side of people while knowing the bad isn't because I'm blind to the latter.

Its because I've SEEN the good, more than I've seen the bad and I've been left behind or abandoned because I've let a fraction of my bad peak out to people and I promised myself I'd never put another soul through that sort of judgement so easily.

Too many people call it ignorance or turning a blind eye, but trust me when I say I've seen the things people have demonized and I've BEEN demonized for some(often)times insignificant things

I've been ignored, lied to, blamed and attemptive manipulation, at times with success and it's never by the one(s) I've been told would do so.

Rather it's been by the ones "warning" me.

And it does hurt. It hurts everytime.

But the neutrality I keep, albeit difficult and causes me alot of loneliness more often than not, it keeps the last bit of myself uninfluenced.

I'm able to make and keep my own opinion based on my own experiences as much as my choice in that seems to upset people.

I will always choose to understand rather than to judge.

As always, this may not be coherent but it's not my job to make it so

[barelystandinginthisworld]

None of this is processing the way I know it should be.

I can't just force it to resolve or rationalize itself in my mind and I really can't tell if it's shock or just denial.

My head is constantly reeling, my thoughts are either racing faster than I can hear them or just muted pictures and images too blurred for me to see.

Sometimes it's just colors flashing across my mind at any given time, at any given moment for any and every single thing I see or hear or read.

I hate the silence because it makes my head loud, but noise only makes it unnaturally silent.

I wish I could figure out how to get through it, I want to talk about it but the words quite literally won't come out.

My mind is so used to convincing itself that everything is okay and that as long as I fake it to myself then everything wrong will eventually find some way to process without me having to think about it anymore.

I know that's not feasible and I know that's not how it works, my grieving comes in waves and my mind can't keep up as it crashes me back to the bottom and into the sand.

None of what I say or type is coherent to what I'm trying to convey but I'm so sick of being "okay" for the entire day just to have the waves hit when I know I need to shut it off and sleep so I have the energy to process my thoughts but I can't and I know it's killing me in the process.

I'm a confusing person to myself and everyone around me and there's not a whole lot I can do about that aside from trying to communicate my shuffled up mind as best I can like this.

Even though I don't remember the first sentence of this, as I don't with most of these both here and in the real world, I know that it atleast gets it a little more organized for myself for even just a moment.

These are just conversations for myself and if I ever need to I can use them to try and help me explain to others why I'm the way I get sometimes. I wish I had a better more efficient and less chaotic and loosely put together way to go about it but right now I'm just trying the things that have helped before and ranting into a void on an empty blog is one of them

[barelystandinginthisworld]

"Hi I'm sorry I'm really panicky and paranoid because of earlier and then I made the dumb decision to drink a bit more to try and calm my nerves but im still anxious and I just got really randomly nervous that I'm annoying everybody especially you and I dont want you to take it personally I'm just having a really bad anxiety night and my brain is finding every and anything possible to make me freak out about and I just felt like I needed to make sure you knew so if I do or say anything weird or fucking crazy that you atleast have a heads up and I'm sorry if im spamming your phone I have no concept of time right now and can't tell when I send anything to anyone."

#texts i never sent #personal rant #kinda drunk #paranoia

[barelystandinginthisworld]

Sleep has once again become a rarity tonight as my mind keeps racing without coherence as usual

I've never been good with words, they get jumbled up or I forget what I'm trying to say alot and I'm sorry.

I just don't know what to say, I don't know if you're interested in me and I don't want to make things weird by saying something.

I'm not someone that picks up on cues well and I know it can frustrate people because I always need things explained or put bluntly to understand.

I don't like making assumptions without clear intentions because I'm scared of what could happen if I take a chance on anything but God damnit I want to take this chance I just don't know how.

But I want to, trust me I do.

[barelystandinginthisworld]

The shaking hasn't stopped.

I've got bandaids and cuts all over my hands.

I feel if i stop standing or moving for more than a few moments I'll just be back there.

If I don't keep myself occupied or distracted that I'll decipher something in my thoughts that I'm not able to handle.

I'm trembling and swaying as my mind keeps reeling like a clouded storm with so much rain you cant hear a thing.

Everything feels wrong.

I feel wrong.

Nothing feels like it should.

I shouldn't feel scared everytime I'm in one, I shouldn't need to hold someone's hand or scratch and claw at my body to feel something other than the cold tingling numbness that covers my body.

I shouldn't feel like this.

This pit in my stomach and the spinning in my vision and the focus disappearing at the smallest movement in these moments.

I shouldn't need someone to hold me to make me feel secure, as much as I want to, I shouldn't NEED to.

I shouldn't be scared to fall asleep because I can't handle finding out what's reality.

I can't remember what day it is, they've been blurred so close together that every morning feels like it's repeating a hazy rerun of the one before it.

As if trying to relay a dream you only remember bits and pieces of.

My thoughts are so scattered and so loud that I can't even pick apart what's causing what and why before more appear in their place.

I want it to stop.

I just want reality to feel REAL again.

[barelystandinginthisworld]

The loud music drowns my thoughts.

Even just for the two hours we were there, the vibrations, the movements, the chaotic energy kept me from thinking about it.

About everything lately.

Three shots of tequila and two limes was enough to let me remember but still keep my from remembering the void in my mind filled with thoughts of what could've happened.

If I didn't get the chance to slow down, if the cars behind me had the same thing happen trying to slow down.

If I didn't hit the brakes at all.

If the jokes about "no horn=no airbag" were true.

If I had just not left the house that night.

But it happened. The repercussions are being dealt with.

[barelystandinginthisworld]

I wish you could see yourself the way you truly are.

the way your laughter echoes through the room.

The selflessness you show to everyone around you, no matter the damage it does to yourself.

I wish you saw how much you deserve those things in return.

[barelystandinginthisworld]

That sinking feeling is back...as if it's warning me that something is going to happen or something has happened and I just don't know what.

Its hard to tell what the right thing to do is.

How to react to it, whatever it may be, that's causing this void in my chest to (re)appear.

I can't tell if this is a familiar feeling or something new.

that's a bit more nerve wracking than anything else.

#dkrs #spilled ink #personal rant #deep thoughts

[barelystandinginthisworld]

I'm glad I was raised family oriented, cause right now it feels like that's all I've got.

"You're self isolating" no. I'm not, ive been reaching out and asking people to hang out all the goddamn time.

Don't assume I'm the one who doesn't try to see people, I try every chance I get so everyone that has been ignoring when I ask to see them and everyone that's been bailing on plans-

STOP TELLING ME IM ISOLATING WHEN YOURE THE ONES NOT ANSWERING

Everyone has other friends, I'm aware. I'm not saying I need any single persons attention 24/7, but I'm so so tired of being bailed on or ignored and then told that I'm alone because of MY choices.

All I've done is try and stay connected to people.

And all I've been receiving lately has been almost nothing.

That kind of loneliness fucking hurts.

[barelystandinginthisworld]

I don't want whatever this is.

I don't even know what it's from or for

But it just feels like I'm burning

I want this to just be some kind of side effect

I want this to be something I can just take something for.

Something diagnosable if it persists past today.

I don't want it to be something constant.

All it's doing is making me confused

I keep wondering

"did I catch something?"

"am I understimulated?"

"did I forget to take my meds?"

Its just-

There.

[barelystandinginthisworld]

Honestly?

If I pulled a Danny phantom and go ghost, who would even give a fuck?

I don't know if anyone really would, that's the thing.

And that thought kinda hurts but at the same time, I think I'm used to that.

Doesnt make it hurt any less though, and that's probably not that good.

[barelystandinginthisworld]

You weren't supposed to stay this long, just a few months tops.

Even that turned out too long for me to not get attached. (What'd anyone expect though with it being me)

Now what am I supposed to do?

Its setting in at possibly some of the worst timing that you're going to be gone at any moment.

It could be gradual, and maybe not for years, but right now that sinking feeling? It's getting stronger.

I know some people will say "it's fine, they come and go" and thats fine if thats how they see it, but it's hard to think like that for me.

I don't really see losing you as some "new opportunity" or some kind of "new freedom"

I see it as losing someone that's been by me through alot.

unconditionally.

Even if you weren't aware of it, which I don't honestly know if you were, not that theres much of a way to tell otherwise though.

We both were in a rough space/situation when you came into my life, but I'm glad you did.

I got to watch you get better, lose some of that cautiousness you had from before and enjoy things you hadn't in bit.

You never lost that stubbornness or the little bit of attitude though, thankfully.

I don't think you'd be the same without it.

You're not always the nicest, but whenever I pull you in almost randomly just to hold you for a little while, even if you might not have been in the mood yourself-

You stayed.

Contradicting what I may have typed earlier, that always gave me a bit of comfort.

Feeling like it was something that actually did prove you knew that even just your presence helped keep me comforted, calm and even content with whatever might be on my mind or however I may be feeling.

I know there's no actual way for that to be proven, but it doesn't hurt anyone to pretend there is.

I know sometimes I'm overwhelmed and might be jumpy or jittery when I get touched or even at the thought of it, but I'm honestly glad that you don't always care about that/ignore it and still stay close by or just find a loophole to touch me regardless.

Not having a chance to see you atleast once in someway throughout the day, sits uneasily with me.

Not being able to see you is difficult to even think about, I know I should probably find some way to make sure it won't hurt if you're gone anytime soon...but I can't bring myself to think of that as even an option right now.

I'm worried with how much thought I've had behind this topic, that I may have already starting grieving your absence before you've even shown any actual signs of that happening.

I'm worried I might push people away because of it, and I absolutely do not want that.

Because losing you? That isn't really something I ever went searching for (in the sense of when/where/how/aftermath/etc.)

So I'm hoping that it, at the least, isn't going to happen anytime soon.

But hey, thank you.

you came into my life kind of sudden, and I'm always going to be glad you were in it at all.