autumnal-blonde
August 2023
SW: 170 5'7 CW: 170.6 🎯 UGW: 135
227 posts
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4 August 2023
I’ve lost my sense of motivation and purpose you know? I really need to get my self confidence back because everything is lacking. I don’t do my hair or my makeup anymore. I throw on whatever clothes fit which isn’t a whole lot of options.
I keep blaming my weight gain on my thyroid surgery but in all honesty. It’s so many different things. I’m not active anymore. I’m not vegetarian anymore. I eat terribly and partially my antidepressants and birth control yes.
I wanna get my life back. I want to lose the weight so I can feel like myself again.
I’m gonna liquid(ish) fast for the weekend. I don’t want to be too strict on myself because then I’ll just end up eating crap by Sunday night. But I think drinking some smoothies with protein and a lentil soup will make me feel full enough to push through.
SW: 171.8
B: Monster Ultra 10, probiotic gummies 25
L: Nut Butter Protein Plus 400
D: Chickpea soup 210
S: Banana 130, matcha green tea 150
Total: 900
Water: 2/8 cups so far
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12 July 2023
Today’s one of those days where I just want to go home and lay in bed with my cat. I feel terrible and so so tired.
I just want to have an easier life. I’ve been fighting with my bf constantly and I keep asking him to open up to me so that he doesn’t lash out at me with bottled up emotions. Not working tho.
I weighed 170.6 yesterday. Vacation weight I guess. I want control back over my life so here I go again. I want to weigh 135 so 35 pounds down here we go.
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Update 10.31.22
SIKE i actually weigh in at 141.6 lbs so that’s so much better. Hopefully I’ll be 141 tomorrow as long as I have a light dinner 11 lbs in 60 days is only 1.3lbs a week. Much more doable
#personal#dear diary#weight loss journey#food diary#food log#weight loss#31 October 2022#my thoughts#my post
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October 31, 2022
144.0 lbs
Lowkey hate myself because I wanted to be in the 139.8 by November, but I’ve just been eating junk food from my freezer because I haven’t wanted to spend any money on groceries. I think I’ll also post my budget because I finally paid my mom off from the washing machine I bought on her Home Depot credit card.
Now I can really focus on saving up for a car. My goal is by this time next year I’ll buy one. I just go back and forth on whether I should keep my old car too still.
But anyways I have 61 days to lose 14 lbs. It’s roughly 1.6 lbs per week so that’s doable…if I actually focus on it. I think my surgery slightly messed me up though. Lots of time spent laying in bed and I’m still not cleared to exercise for another week. At least I didn’t gain anything but I can tell my muscle mass is disappearing.
I miss my ex. Even though I shouldn’t. I’m not sure why I’m having such a hard time not thinking about him but he’s in my dreams every night. Sometimes happy sometimes sad ones. I loved him more than I’ve ever loved anyone. I miss our kisses. I miss the sex. I miss when he was actually good to me. I made the joke to my sisters that I was going to find a witch to curse him and ruin his life but they said he already seems to be doing that himself.
All jokes and anger aside I hope he finds happiness in himself. Because nothing is going to make him happy until he works on himself. Doesn’t mean I want him to find love or fuck up some other girl’s life but please find inner peace.
#personal#dear diary#weight loss journey#food diary#food log#weight loss#31 October 2022#my thoughts#my post#life update
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October 24, 2022
Long time, no posting, I know.
Honestly life just gets so overwhelming you have to intentionally take a few steps back and look at things introspectively. I’m glad I didn’t post for the past two weeks because it would’ve been so depressing.
Broke up with my boyfriend again. And it’s for good this time honestly. There’s things that happened that I know are unforgivable. I guess I just need to write them out so I can process the emotions I feel and move on.
My bf was excited about getting a phone interview for a new job. I was happy for him. He’s hated where we work for a while now, and he deserves to be paid better and be happy. The only thing was is that it was going to involve travel. I got upset that he didn’t think about how it would affect me or his cats or even his plants. It was also a week before my surgery was scheduled and I was not handling the stress well at all. Constantly anxious and sweating through my clothes everyday with worry. He hugged me and then called me stinky and I just lost it. Stupid thing to get upset over I know but it was the cherry on top of all the insensitivity he was giving.
He got mad at my reaction, and of course what does he do? Starts grabbing his stuff to leave and go to his house which always triggers me - the abandonment whenever I’m upset instead of trying to soothe me and work through our issues, he would just leave. I grabbed his shoes and begged him not to go. He keeps trying to snatch the shoes from me, and my pinky was caught in the shoestrings and he nearly dislocated it. Idek why after that I even tried comforting him, but I was crying and just needed to touch his face and he shoved me onto my bed.
I know deep down if the relationship continued that the violence would escalate. Throwing stuff and snatching things is the first step then comes shoving and slapping and worse things. It scared me truthfully, but not enough to cut him off completely. He left and I told him that I couldn’t take him leaving anymore so if he did then we were done. I just wanted him to be genuinely sorry for hurting me, but he swept it under the rug saying it was my fault for working him up.
He gets asked to go on a voluntary work trip starting the same day as my surgery which he agreed to go on. Asked me to take care of his cats for two weeks while I would be struggling to take care of myself post-op. I told him no, but I feel so bad for the cats. They deserve better than him.
After he said he was going, we didn’t talk for almost a week until the night before my surgery where I begged him to stay the night with me because I was so scared. We had sex, and then he left that morning. I made it through my surgery but he only sent a couple texts asking how I was. It hurt that he didn’t FaceTime me. The next day was when he was supposed to have taken off from work to be with me, I ended up alone just popping my pain meds constantly. Called him that night asking him to keep me company on FaceTime, but he said it was more important to go swim in the hotel pool and drink. I asked him if he would call me afterwards and he said no. Haven’t heard from him since.
I understand that everyone goes through rough times, so I give them the benefit of the doubt. But the person I described above doesn’t give a single fuck about me or the stuff I was going through. It’s not like I was asking him to spoon feed and bathe me for a whole week. It was one day. Then it was one FaceTime call. And he couldn’t even do that. That’s straight up just a terrible human being. The bar absolutely could not get any lower.
Ultimately the message is if anyone reads this: If they show you what their priorities are and they don’t involve you, believe them because you will never come before their own personal interests. If they throw things and shove you, please believe they will find ways to justify their escalating episodes of violence towards you. If they won’t show up for you in a time of need, please believe that they are only there for the easy and convenient times because it’s enjoyable for them and they benefit from it. They will not be there if they’re not gaining anything. Please don’t have sex with them without knowing where you stand in the relationship because they will tell you afterwards that they regret it and that it didn’t mean anything to them. Reiterate this to yourself. You. Deserve. Better. You deserve more than scraping the bottom of the barrel. To get more than the breadcrumbs that this narcissist is dropping for you. Real love or even just genuine friendship means that they’ll show up for you when times are rough. And they’ll do it without being begged or even asked.
On to better things.
#personal#dear diary#24 October 2022#tw#personal text post#personal thoughts#life update#ranting#my thoughts#my post#diary entry
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September 29, 2022
I cleaned up my laundry room and my kitchen yesterday. I need to go room by room and just reorganize. I went through a lot of my clothes and just need to bag them up.
I go to the doctor today to follow up on my month of taking antidepressants. For the most part I don’t think it’s strong enough but I have occasionally had more energy than I’ve had in what feels like years. I don’t want to tell her that though and her not up it because the anxiety is still killing me. It’s just now at least I can do some chores after work instead of just going to bed.
I deleted my TikTok account. I was spending 4-6 hours on there some days. Now I use my phone way less and maybe that’s why I was able to focus on chores. I started Duolingo again though for when I have the free time on the commute to work. My bf has been driving us again so maybe I’ll make him learn Spanish with me lol
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September 28, 2022
I weighed 144.8 this morning so that’s good. I haven’t been tracking what I’m eating tho.
I’m kinda nervous. I’ve been spotting the past two days but no period. I haven’t been taking my birth control and it’s been like 4 weeks since I’ve done anything but still freaks me out. Pregnancy is my biggest nightmare.
Hoping it’s just stress or something. I’m not supposed to start for another 3 or 4 days
I’ll track what I eat today so I can be back on target for my end of the year goal of 129.8. 15lbs in 13 weeks I think??
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September 27, 2022
146.2
I’m down again. I thought my antidepressants were working but they’re not. Or maybe it’s just a really bad case of PMS but I’m so miserable.
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September 21, 2022
Holding onto this relationship is like staying on a sinking ship. There’s no saving it. Just how long do I want to stay on the slow ride to it’s fate.
There’s so many things that I’ll miss. Him, his family, our friend group. Our date nights where we go explore the city and our hikes with our hammock picnic breaks. It made me so happy. I don’t understand why it doesn’t make him happy. He can’t be helped or won’t accept my help. I don’t want to leave him in his depressed state because I would never want to be abandoned in mine but I know he wouldn’t do the same for me.
Positivity though - look at the brighter side. I’m 145.2 today so 15.4 lbs to go. I can do that in 14 weeks.
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September 20, 2022
I’m so frustrated. I was in a good mood today and my bf wasn’t during our lunch break. I asked him if he was okay and he just shrugged so that means he doesn’t want to talk about it. So fine. I carried on normal conversation which he doesn’t respond to. I ask him a couple of questions which he answers in one words and he just gets on his phone. I talk to him about my calorie intake and he says it’s my fault for eating the only snack available at his house since it’s so high in calories and that I apparently should’ve made myself my snacks and meals for today at my house then carried it all over to his last night. Why would I do that?? It’s so much effort for me to take my clothes and makeup over there and he never helps me carry it all in so why am I expected to do all of that myself? I was busy vacuuming all of the cat hair off of everything and he has the audacity to blame me for my lack of time.
I called him out on it and of course he jumps out of the car and marches back into work while I’m mid sentence because I’m “snapping at him” and doesn’t want to be talked to like that. Telling someone that what they said isn’t okay is not a crime.
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Food Log 09/19/2022
B: cereal bar 130, coffee 20, fruit 50
L: Moe’s burrito bowl 450
S: dark chocolate power bark 60
D: loaded fries 450, coke 140
S: soda 170, chips 150
Total: 1620
Yep I wrecked it by eating a 11pm last night
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Update
Lmao never mind on going to the grocery store. I did my budget for the month and I’m BADLY over my spending. All the categories where I still have some money left over is because I need to fill up my car with gas or a subscription hasn’t came out of my account yet or bought stuff for my pets. 😭
Like damn…. That’s what just two bad weekends of eating out and not watching what you spend will do to you. I moved some money around in my budget to account for my washing machine payment until I get it paid off. Honestly tempted to just move money from my savings over to pay it off but with recent month’s I haven’t replenished it so I’m just going to try to sell some of my stuff on EBay to cover the overage. My bf said he would send me $100 to help with Thumper’s vet bill. It makes me so sad that his bill was that much and he didn’t make it.
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September 19, 2022
Time to get super serious!!! I weighed 148.6 this morning which isn’t terrible but I need to lose 18.8 lbs total. I want to make my goal date for the end of the year. It’s 1.25 lbs per week I can definitely manage that. And I feel like my weight went up from the weekend of eating out and drinking beer :/ so it’s probably a false-ish weigh in
I really want to up my protein intake though. I’ve been vegetarian for 10 months now and I always feel better when I eat eggs and beans often. I guess it makes me feel more energized?
I’ve googled some recipes and I’m going to write down a list and go by the grocery store today. Here I go with calorie counting again. But I just can’t stand seeing myself in pictures. I just look and feel bloated constantly
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September 17, 2022
147.0
Okay I need to really work at this. It’s easy whenever you’re sad to not eat but now I’m gaining again. I was at a lower weight of 142 a couple of weeks ago.
It makes a huge difference though I’m like super bloated in my stomach.
Tomorrow is the super serious start of this diet. I’m gonna go through the kitchen and make sure that I just have healthy choices available and not be tempted by eating out.
B: skipped
L: black bean burger 800
S: alc 200, vanilla chai coffee 80
D: soup, maybe 400
My goal is by the end of September is to be 142 again. I’m hoping this is just bloating weight
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September 16, 2022
Every day that I get home from work I’m just so exhausted and I end up sitting on my phone then before I know it the entire evening is gone. I really need to stop that habit. It’s like once I stop moving for the day I just can’t get back in motion again. It’s affecting my housework and my personal habits. Like I really need to redo my roots but I’ve been putting it off for weeks
The neighbor’s cat is doing worse. I went into the bathroom this morning and he was behind the toilet and barely paid me any attention. I asked my bf to call the vet today because he’s refusing to eat completely. We even tried to bottle feed him and he could barely swallow
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September 15, 2022
My neighbor’s cat is so sick. He’s primarily outdoors because they got a dog that he hates so he’s always hanging out on my porch. But I came home one day this week and he looks like he’s thrown up on himself and lost half his body weight and refuses to move from in front of my door.
My bf and I decided to take him inside to make sure he eats and rests so he’s in my bathroom now. The bad thing is I’m sure the neighbors don’t even care. They’re the kind of people that should not have pets. And they’re so mean to me that i don’t want to approach them and tell them about the cat because then they’ll probably call the cops on me for “stealing” their cat. It’s not if he hates living with you and begs to come inside my house. They’re so unpleasant to deal with.
I weighed myself this morning after putting on all my clothes and shoes and kinda regret it lowkey. I weighed 149.6 so I’m probably 146 without my shoes. I had gotten down to 142 last month but my period and medications have made me bloat a lot which makes me sluggish so I haven’t even been walking lately. I really need to.
I went on a walk with my coworker yesterday at a park and felt it in my legs this morning so it’s very clear I’m out of shape.
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