I saved my little bee friend ☺️
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Life keeps on going
In spite of itself.
A meandering thought
Approaching itself pause by pause.
Flooding in and out
On the wheels of joy and sorrow.
Fairness does not exist
Only a person's mortal rights.
Twisting winding journeys
Existing as only they know how.
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Spring wakens me;
A call to life in my old bones.
Hopes and new dreams
Stir my mind to wander.
A living sight
Ravenous in its drive.
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I don't write as much as I use to.
Largely I feel
Because of how much I've written.
I don't have as much to say
Since I came down from my mountain.
Yet I have taken up an old hobby
Taking pictures when I can't write.
Finding the beauty of the moment
As I take notice of my breath.
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Gentle caress of the moon's light
Of the lady's grace
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Got my first hate message in my five years on tumblr 😂🤪😐 not that intense but the person's blog is, yikes 😬
Going through their blog is quite disgusting, filled with hate and idiotic stupidity
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Lost in the night
Waking up broken
My mind and body taken for a ride
By the storms that rage within.
The mental miasma beyond the fever dreams
Envelopes me as a plasmic haze.
Reality seeps back in
And I am left confused by where I've been.
Half the day spent trying to get my bearings
As I groggily put myself back together.
I finally make it out
And ground my self in the sun while I drive.
I make my way by accident
To the park I rarely use.
Beside the river I drift into peace,
Letting go of the lingering pain
As the night continues gnawing at my heart.
I fade with ease into the river's breeze.
Like a child wandering
I fixate on those pleasant sensations.
Looking for the wonders that keep my soul alive
I revel in the presence of living things and dead things
And all the little stones I tread upon.
Found in my natural state
All the waking world vanishes from my mind.
Brought back from the brink
I am full of smiles
As if the night had never been.
Hugged by the fields of spring
I lie down
And falling peacefully back to sleep
I rest in pleasant dreams.
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My mind has been on fire
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6 months on hormones 😊
I can hardly believe it has been 6 months already. I really am thrilled in spite of all the hardships of late. Eager to see what the next 6 months bring, learning to love myself still daily.
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I fractured at 9.
The fault lines had been there for years;
Etching their way through my mind
Laying the foundation as it were
For my future instabilities.
A broken home
Neuordivergent in all directions.
I wasn't all that functional as a child
But I was 9 when it finally cracked.
Throw in religious iconography
Delusional obsession fueled by ADHD
And you get an inflamed consciousness too active for its own good.
I existed inside a mindscape where God abused me daily
And only my own fractured psyche kept me company.
Came back together at 11
Dissociating was becoming the norm.
I broke again at 17.
Back together and thriving at 21.
24 and being on the cusp of being whole.
And fracturing once more.
Patterns eating patterns.
Reality something I could rarely hold.
Months were lost
Unable to tell what was real
Who I was
Or what I was doing.
Inflamed beyond my own comprehension.
That was when we all made contact.
The various personalities and myself
Broken up through time
Different incarnations of a present theme.
A central gravity well
Drawing in the parts.
Put back together again
That gave rise to me.
Myself birthing myself
Breaking chains and loving me.
For the first time in life
Existing without a mask.
Decades of hiding done away with
And for the first time
An honest stability.
I have really bad days still,
And I can't say if I personally will still be around in a year.
I've been trapped in cycle of reincarnation within my own body for so long.
2-3 years is all we usually ever get
But becoming who we are today
Has been in the works far longer than my own current awareness.
Had a rough weekend.
Felt those disassociative tendrils feeling for something to hold.
It can be easy to give in
Especially when my sense of what is real
Is so often warped.
But still breathing.
Head is spinning
But able to find strength
In the knowledge of being myself.
Overcoming a lot of adversity right now.
Change on every front
With no clear path forward in every facet.
Because that is all I known to do.
Trying to find touch.
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Occasionally I have days
Where getting out of bed is beyond the pale of reason.
When having to do anything
Is an affront to my continued existence.
Minor tasks become insurmountable
And all I can do is lay paralyzed
Praying my mind will just go back to sleep.
How quickly it turns
From smiles and laughs to whimpers and tears.
What was meant to make me feel better
Has instead turned to sickness in my thoughts.
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I have owned this dress for 2 years and I finally wore it out. I was obsessed with myself today
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I have lived life with a certain severity.
Learned about manipulation and mistrust
As I was learning to walk.
Love as I have witnessed
Has always been interwoven with violence.
Those who love you hurt you
And this is love.
That is what I witnessed
This is what I learned.
I became a rock.
Alone as everyone was alone,
The people close to me
Ever the potential aggressor.
Now I have an aversion to being seen.
a concerted effort.
Everyone loved me
And they all hurt me in their own way.
Everyone's favorite companion
Because I made them feel seen.
All the while I was shaping masks.
I mirrored their every thought.
Fed them back their own ego.
Molded myself to fit their image
And staved off the risks of hurt.
I learned to hide in front of all their eyes
Bearing all the burdens
As I became their confessor.
Pulled to my extremes till I broke.
It is hard work readjusting to healthy modes of thought.
Putting the pieces back together
Mending the wounds.
It is a daily decision to endure
To fight for my own smiles.
Somedays it might not look like much
But it keeps me alive.
I get to enjoy better days now
Even with hardships yet to face.
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I'm going to miss you when we're gone
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I am allowed to have bad days
Even if I know who I am
It does not exempt me from all the problems I have had.
Life still hits me
And sometimes it hurts pretty bad.
This does not erase my identity
Or mean that I am wrong.
I am happy in the knowledge
Of who I really am.
I am simultaneously sad however
About the other parts of my life
Which are not going so well.
This poem is more for me
Feeling guilty over feeling sad.
As if those in my life who don't want me to be true
Will use my hardships as "ah ha! Gotcha!" moments.
Life is hard
Regardless of my sense of self.
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7 years ago I started challenging the notions of my gender and sexuality, terrifyingly exhilarated by finally understanding who I was. The first picture was taken by my dear platonic partner in 2016. I wanted to see if I could look lovely and she wanted to see me shine. Well, that turned into a difficult year, and over the next several I fell apart and gave myself over to self doubt and dispair. Then 2020 happened. I finally faced it head on, after decades of tossing with my own identity I could no longer keep running from it. Which brings us to this second picture taken just days ago, of me wearing a dress out side of my house for the first time. It has been a hard journey but this brings me joy. Even when my days are convulsed by chaos, being able to see my body changing, to feel myself transforming, it never fails to make me smile. The knowledge of becoming me, after so long hiding from it and loathing myself, I can't even fully describe it. I hope all those out there who are still fighting through that self acceptance all the support and strength my soul can muster, and that everyone fighting through this world to be themselves is raised up. We are all beautiful and handsome and valid in our existing.
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Since beginning hormones
I would not say I am more emotional
But it is easier to experience my emotions.
Before there was a violence to them.
An intense repression which felt and was toxic.
Now I know them
Let them run their course
And possess a greater well-being.
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I hate falling in love.
Always seems to be with the person who can't want me back.
Silly crushes turned fervent
And so heartsickness withers my bones.
My chest hurts
I want to cry.
Can't get enough distance
In order for it to subside.
Raging confusion beneath his gaze.
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