anannas-garden

[anannas-garden]

I have pursued wisdom.

I have pursued truth.

Since my first recorded thought

I have been chasing after them.

Ever they seem out of reach

But I have them by the coattails

And I am gaining ground.

A journey that never ends

And which I never want to end.

Always one more step of discovery

One more path of thought to run on down.

Knowledge and understanding

My pleasure absolute.

#poetry #poem #personal #love

[anannas-garden]

The poison of sacrifice

I was shown a mirror

As they all looked on in horror

"Like someone standing on the corner, flogging themselves for something they hadn't done."

"It was uncomfortable"

Pitty

Shock

Seeing my daily state of mind

Seeping out.

No one had an idea

And I could not believe how horrid the sight.

God complex based on christ

I grew up in reverence

Of holy sacrifice.

Purity

Perfection

Worthy of God's love.

Good enough to be God

How demented the whole affair.

Clawing at my own mind

I could not see how bad it is

How very far gone I am.

I see hatred

Hatred for myself.

I live as one who loathes themselves

And I cannot reason why.

Self-destruction as God does it

Total

And absolute.

I did not like what I see

I am devoured

By the poison of sacrifice.

#sacrifice #poety #poem #personal #mental health #god

[anannas-garden]

We live in a post truth post trust world and I am rotting inside

#truth #trust #the modern age

[anannas-garden]

I suppose it could be said

I overdosed on God.

Had my high at 25

Lost my mind

All these years

Just putting it back together

Moderately happy

One day at a time

#god #poetry #poem #personal #mental health #love

[anannas-garden]

I rage against God

#fuck god #god

[anannas-garden]

I absolutely believe in God,

And I believe he is evil

#god #goddamn #fuck god

[anannas-garden]

I play with religion like a game, creating them for sport

#God #goddamn #fuck god

[anannas-garden]

Hope

It can make the journey pass with ease

Or destroy you when it fails.

#poem #personal #mental health #love #nature #trans woman

[anannas-garden]

#personal #mental health #love #nature #trans woman #shy gal #33rd birthday #birthday

[anannas-garden]

Do you know what was in pandora's box?

The fruit of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil?

Free will.

Precisely because the first act of free will for humans

Was in this slight rebellion.

To peer into God's tool chest

To eat from his sacred tree

To steel from God what made God God.

Now we are God

And he can no longer tell right from wrong.

An evil dictate from whom we stole morality.

#poetry #poem #personal #nature #god

[anannas-garden]

#poetry #personal #mental health #love #nature

[anannas-garden]

#poetry #personal #mental health #love #nature

[anannas-garden]

#poetry #personal #mental health #love #nature

[anannas-garden]

I wanted to know God

And when I did

I did not like what I had seen.

From the depths of love

To the peaks of hate

God is all too real for me.

#poetry #poem #personal #mental health #god

[anannas-garden]

Sometimes I want to die

And that is ok

Because I know I don't really want to die

I just don't want to be in that moment.

So I outrun the dark thoughts

Stabilize

And look for something beautiful.

Then I smile.

#poetry #personal #trans woman #shy gal #poem #love #mental health #nature

[anannas-garden]

#poetry #personal #shy gal #trans woman

[anannas-garden]

Why I am afraid of sex

--------------------------

I have no idea and all too many.

Fear of being seen

Fear of taking up space

Fear of not knowing what I am doing

Fear of not being perfect

Fear

It is the driving hindrance of my life.

I am afraid of everything because I do not understand everything

I find myself trapped in my own head

Desperately trying to understand.

I get turned around and stressed

Obsessively analyzing every single moment of it

Robotically approaching the situation

Trying to solve a formula

A combination

A puzzle that can be beaten

And then I will know it all

Never struggling again.

I need to be god

And achieve the impossible.

Sex is intimate

And that requires me to remove the mask

The mask that is the lie of me.

I pretend at being bold

Knowledgeable.

I play at being functional

And that I get every joke or innuendo.

I am great at seeming like I know what I am doing

But understanding alludes me.

Intimacy brings me face to face with myself

And that is something I have buried under a million miles of sedimentary masks.

I don't know how to be me.

#poetry #poem #personal #love #mental health #confusion #neurodivergent #autism #autism masking #masking #intimacy