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Pro Ana Diaries - Day 1

I started pro ana 2 weeks ago and have spent most of my time since then browsing the mpa forums. The first thread I stumbled upon was from 2015, and reading through it feels like stumbling upon an abandoned ghost town of anas, already so thin, shrinking thinner, thinner, so thin that they disappeared.

I read their signatures and it offers me sick consolation. I skim through their tales of failed recovery, their life’s story told through fluctuating numbers. I know I shouldn’t be, but I’m relieved that they aren’t dead. Maybe I’m not the only one out there.

Fuck that. No more poetic shit. 

I’m such a wannarexic.

I’m 5′3, though I like to tell people I’m 5′4 because I basically am; I’m only like a quarter of an inch there, but fuck that, I’m probably gonna shrink on ana. 2 weeks ago I finally confronted my demons. I quit assuring myself that I was within the average weight, because no I’m fucking not. According to calculator.net, I’m at risk of becoming overweight. No, no I’m not. I’m fucking obese.

When I was in middle school I ballooned. The whole fucking thing was like a 3-year swim meet, except instead of a pool it was the Pacific, and instead of water I had to swim to China in a miserable sea of depression and anxiety. Hey, you know what extremely low self-esteem plus pre-teen assholes equates to?

Binge. Eating. Disorder.

Fuck me, I was so stupid. I ate, like, 3 bags of cookies a day, and then some. You think I knew what a fucking calorie was? No wonder people wrinkled their noses when I walked by. I reeked of rotting fat and lack of self-control.

I haven’t binged as of yet, but I went over 500 calories yesterday so I basically did. I don’t b/p because it feels awkward and I don’t have enough leg strength to bend over the toilet that long, also my stupid fucking fat, triple-Z boobs hang down over my face and get in the way, another reminder of how fucking stupid I am. 

Today I woke up at 7 to punish myself. I wear a little red necklace around my neck; I made it last week. There’s a charm hanging from it that I rub when I’m about to binge. The charm holds energy, like everything else in the world, and I need to keep it neutral; everything’s got to have balance. So if I binge, I must punish myself to trigger catharsis and an onslaught of good karma which will drown out the demonic energy in my amulet if I don’t want the universe to do it by itself. I couldn’t sleep at all because my demon dEmOn DeMoN DEMON kept vibrating through my body, the voice screaming FATFATFATFAT. I had to get up and exercise, I had to burn off the calories, I had to hurt myself before the universe could hurt me, but the moment I stood up my vision went dark and fuzzy and my legs felt like they were about to snap.

It’s a bit like a religion now, isn’t it? And I’ve never been much of a spiritual person. It just works wonders when it’s something you come up with on your own. It just sounds too real not to believe it at this point.

I made a promise to myself that, starting today, I wasn’t allowed to eat over 300 calories. But then I got so hungry after my lessons(which ran up till 3 today) that I made myself some vegetarian chicken nuggets and a few crackers. Then I’m gonna have to eat dinner later today and my mom’s making something Indian which I’m sure’s packed with calories, but luckily my dad doesn’t like Indian food so he’s going to make himself steamed cauliflower and I’m piggybacking on him today. That all adds up to 311 calories, though, and I really fucking wanted a cookie today because I’m hypoglycemic and low blood sugar makes me nauseous and triggers spot headaches. So 400 it is, then.

Pig. Fucking fat pig.

I walked 3 miles around my neighborhood 2 days ago, in galoshes, mind you, because I’m an idiot and I thought it was raining outside. By the time I got home the bottoms of my feet were covered in blisters and I had to drain them so I could walk. Even then, I only got 3 miles in. That might be 6000 steps in total.

What a pig. Can’t even walk 3 miles without getting blisters. Why can’t you be normal? Why can’t you be naturally skinny like other girls? Why did god have to make you so fucking fat, if god would even dare touch a piece of shit like you?

Do you ever hear someone talking shit about a kiss-up or an idiot behind their back and feel the need to stand up to them? Because you feel like, if they can say that about them, and you’re so much worse than they are, who says they won’t shit-talk you? Not that everyone doesn’t already shit-talk you. Not that you aren’t the only one in class always left without a partner, even when another person doesn’t have one because god forbid it’s you, especially now when your best friend and possibly the only person who might’ve actually been willing to be your pity-partner abandoned you for a literal aut*st. Like, diagnosed. And someone you, even you would abandon and might even mercy-kill because they’re so grating and everyone agrees. No, even to your best friend, you’re a sewer rat. They probably have better friends, anyway, because they’re skinny and pretty and actually underweight, and they’ve got all kinds of friends from their old schools and activities, while they’re making new best friends and you’ve always just been expendable goods, and while you just sit on the couch, shoving chips into your fat fucking piehole as you watch TV.

I might do another entry tomorrow, but who the fuck cares. Rest-assured, my BMI is over 24.9, so yes, I’m actually fat. Don’t worry about me wasting away by tomorrow.

Hugs and Kisses

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

Total calories eaten today:

Lunch:

- 4 quorn nuggets: 192 calories

- 10 cheez-its: 55.5 calories

- total: 247.5 calories

Dinner:

- Green beans and cauliflower, tossed in breadcrumbs: 64 calories

- total: 64 calories

So I don’t die:

- vanilla cylinder cookies: 120 calories

- total: 120 calories

Total calories consumed: 

431.5 calories

Exercise:

- 1 mile of walking: -100 calories

- BMR: -1479 calories

- TDEE: -1775 calories(w/o factoring in any exercise)

Total negative calories:

-1875 calories

Net calories:

-1443.5  calories

Calories to next pound loss:

2056.5 calories

Notes:

Fuck me. At this rate, I’m gonna be losing a pound every 3 days.

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