amnesia-crew

[amnesia-crew]

I feel the need to say this since DID is becoming pretty big on TikTok:

Dissociative identity disorder is not fun.

Sure, there can be funny moments like depicted in the videos. Sometimes an alter can say something funny in the headspace, or put something in a weird place that you find funny the next time you front. But for the most part? It's absolutely not fun.

There's a reason why it's called a disorder. I feel like it's been said a million times, but I'll say it a million more if I have to:

Dissociative identity disorder is a form of extreme PTSD. You need to go through an amount and intensity of trauma which your brain cannot begin to process to have this disorder.

I can't speak for everyone's experiences, but let me speak for my own while living with this disorder:

Alters aren't the primary symptom. It's mostly PTSD symptoms that affect our everyday lives. I will have flashbacks of things that I don't remember due to my DID, so I don't even know how to recover or help myself since I can't remember what happened. Imagine having a wound that hurts and bleeds uncontrollably, but you're unable to tell the doctor what it is or where it's located. That's what it feels like.

My amnesia isn't as bad as others who have this disorder, but that doesn't mean I still don't have it. Sometimes I'll switch and an alter will take medication without me remembering, or make appointments/dates that I can't keep because I don't remember. Also, amnesia isn't always both ways. While I may be able to remember things, my alters will sometimes switch out and not be able to recall a thing. This makes communication difficult since I find myself watching through a one-way mirror that my alters can't always cross. This can also go the other way around.

We have no control over who becomes an alter. Let me repeat this: we have no control over who becomes an alter. I have fictive alters that I did not choose. My brain chose them to protect me. Splitting into someone who does not understand or recognize the real world is terrifying.

Switching is uncomfortable, painful, and disorienting at best. The dissociation that follows can take me out of an exam and cost precious time that I need to get back into focus. One of my alter only switches late at night, which causes nausea, which triggers his emetophobia—he'll stay up for hours watching videos to calm himself down while we wake up in the morning being exhausted because of the lack of sleep. We have no control over when we switch, or even who we switch into. Sometime we'll have what I call "blank switches" where it feels like a switch but nothing happens. I'm still in the front but I'm dissociated as hell and unable to focus.

I will have child alters that will be triggered out by height differences. This makes my relationship with my current boyfriend, who is over a foot taller than me, incredibly difficult.

I want to reiterate that alters are not the main symptom of DID. There's a reason why people with DID get misdiagnosed with BPD or bipolar — they can feel incredibly similar, especially when you take into account how everyone deals with trauma differently. Someone might spend a lot after a PTSD-induced panic attack, others might lock themselves away in their room for days. Not one person's PTSD is the exactly the same because not one person's trauma is exactly the same. Trauma responses can also change in life. Two years ago, I showed similar symptoms to BPD. Now that I'm in a healthier mental state, my trauma responses are different. This is normal, and dare I say healthy.

Above all, whatever you are dealing with — be it DID, BPD, bipolar, CPTSD, PTSD, anything — you are loved. You are loved if your symptoms are textbook or completely unique. You are loved if you can live peacefully with your disorder or dread waking up every day. I can't say this enough — you are loved. And if you don't believe in a God who loves you, please believe this: I love you. You are all in my thoughts and prayers, and I don't want you to live a day where you think nobody wants you. You are loved.

[amnesia-crew]

“littles are complex and can be much more mature than their physical age” and “some littles are mentally just like their age” are sentences that can coexist peacefully

[amnesia-crew]

@ endos

You're doing harm

[amnesia-crew]

The indescribable urge to protect the system Littles at all times because they are the sweetest and the best ❤️💕💜🧡💛💚💙💗💓🤎🖤🤍💘

[amnesia-crew]

endogenic manipulation is real because i was manipulated. i am a living victim. you can throw out the rest of the argument and listen to the DOZENS of us who are here on tumblr with stories about being abused. until plural spaces are able to acknowledge that there is abuse going on, they are complicit to it and part of the problem. this is not about whether you’re “real” or not. i genuinely do not care about those arguments.

i care about people being dragged deeper into mental illness by anti-psych ideals, people manipulated by system hopping and lack of system responsibility, persecutors being called malicitors and told there is no help for them, groups who equate fictivity with kinning and encourage kindating among fictives while ignoring that substitute beliefs are spawned from trauma, white alters trying to claim experiences they don’t have, and nondisordered plural groups speaking on behalf of disordered systems who have very different experiences by their own admission.

[amnesia-crew]

singlets stop speaking over systems challenge

[amnesia-crew]

you're not "multigenic", you're fucking stupid

-an angry persecutor

[amnesia-crew]

hey btw if ur transphobic don’t interact with my blog. we support trans people here

[amnesia-crew]

Switching isn't always clear-cut. Many systems don't experience the stereotypical "possession-type" switching as seen in media. If your switches feel more like "becoming" someone else, if they seem more nebulous and vague, or if there's rarely a full one-to-one switch between alters, these are all documented forms of switching that are recognized as normal within the realms of DID, OSDD-1, and DDNOS/UDD.

If you don't experience switches in the way they're portrayed in media, this doesn't invalidate your experiences or your system.

[amnesia-crew]

We are not monsters.

We are not a party trick.

We are not seeking attention.

We are not murderers.

We are not something faked by our therapist.

We are survivors of a terrible situation.

[amnesia-crew]

Endogenic Systems

I'd like to start by saying that medically speaking, there is no such thing as an endogenic system. I do not support endogenic/non-traumagenic systems, and neither does the DSM-5. What is an endogenic system? For those of you who don't know, an endogenic system is someone who claims to be a system (someone with DID or OSDD) without trauma, which is impossible, considering that DIDOSDD is a disorder that can only be caused by childhood trauma that meets a certain criteria. What are endogenic systems actually experiencing? Now, this is something that no one can know for sure. Someone's experience is there own, I don't know what's happening in their heads. However, in all that I've come across, it's usually been one of these: ↳ sociogenic/psychogenic illness ↳ not remembering trauma (which is 100% valid, but not endo) ↳ mislabeling their experience ↳ faking

Use of the term system A common argument I've heard from endos is that they're not claiming to have DIDOSDD, just that they're a system (which makes absolutely no sense). The term system has been historically used to refer to somebody with DIDOSDD. Additionally, the only disorder in which alters are present is DIDOSDD, and while other disorders may present cases of identity fragmentation, none do to the level of DIDOSDD. "Becoming a system by choice" This is the dumbest thing I've ever heard. You can't develop a disorder just because you feel like it. The brain creates alters in response to trauma, not because it's bored. DIDOSDD isn't just fun and games, it's not just having friends in your head. Conclusion There is so much more I could say about this, but I'm done for now. Overall, please stop romanticizing a severe trauma disorder, thanks. Check pinned to see a link to a post with some medically recognized resources on DID and OSDD.

[amnesia-crew]

Self dx hot take(as a dx system):

Let's stop hating on self dx yall, I spent the first 21 years of my life poor af without access to health care before I was finally able to see a professional. The goal, especially with serious mental disorders, is obviously to see one when possible, and to do thorough research when considering possible illnesses.

The only thing we should be contesting is made up microlabels of serious illnesses that have no validity in psychopathology. These things can be really harmful for a variety of mental illnesses, not just DID, and we dont need people who already don't have access to care potentially doing more damage to their psyche by improperly self dxing.

You're not invalid for not having accessible mental health care, you're doing so good by trying even though you dont have a professional helping you through it. Its fucking hard, I know, I respect tf out of you guys. You're gonna get it wrong sometimes, and sometimes something will resonate with you so hard that it sticks; and that's okay.

But you are invalid when claiming ableist, factually incorrect, and harmful labels directed at the mentally ill community.

That's all

[amnesia-crew]

DID is sooo not fun

bro our little just ate 10 ego waffles.. in one sitting.. that’s the whole package

other alter called one of our family members to pick some up for us without our permission

BUT that alter didn’t even get to eat the waffles because the little came out and stole them from the other alter

if i didn’t mention before it has things we are allergic to (on some of the ingredients) but don’t know how allergic but we are on high doses of prednisone so i’m hoping i won’t need an epi pen because whatever reaction would have happened stopped cuz of the prednisone.

i feel sick but i’m hoping that's cuz of how much we ate not cuz of an allergy

i will update later ( hoping we will be okay )

Edit: decided to take Benadryl just in case

edit: just woke up from our nap and feeling better

#dissociative identity disorder #dissociation #dissociative amnesia #DID System #dissociative identities #dissociative alters #did alter #did/osdd #did osdd #actually plural #plural things #child alter #traumagenic system #dissociative system #syskid #actually traumagenic #tw food

[amnesia-crew]

i think about talking to my younger self, as one does, and dealing with the idea that kid me would be upset to see adult me is really a something alright

i think about how i would comfort myself then

[amnesia-crew]

unfriendly reminder that if you fire back to anti-endos with “you deserve your trauma”, “well your [xyz minority group]” or threats of death/doxxing, you are a horrible fucking person

[amnesia-crew]

endo bs scares me sometimes bc like what if i actually get an MRI scan at some point and i'm legit just faking

Shhh sh, sh, don't do that to yourself. I think we're all a little afraid of that, and that's okay.

Look, to be blunt, the use of MRI to diagnose DID/OSDD is still a fair ways off. Chances are, you'll never be in one to find out, so don't let it get to you. Settle your mind.

Let's also talk about "faking". You're not. You'd know if you were.

There's a lot of threads going around saying that, and I agree.

BUT, it doesn't talk about the possibility of misdiagnosis.

You'd know if you were faking, but it could be something else.

That doesn't make you wrong or bad. There is nothing wrong with being incorrect. It's perfectly okay and very, very understandable. I swear to god, there is zero reason for anyone to be ashamed or to feel bad about misdiagnosing. It happens, and it happens in good faith.

What's important is that you eventually come to the right conclusion.

And I've said it before and I'll say it again, to anyone who realizes they have something else, you are welcome here, and you are important and valuable to this community. You have insight that others won't have into differences between disorders and how to spot those differences. You understand how confusing and hard it can be to tell the difference. Use your experiences to help and teach others that are questioning.

You will always be welcomed here, no matter what.

[amnesia-crew]

I don’t post on this blog often, but I have a few thoughts to blurt out before getting back to normal day to day stuff because I think I’ve finally put my finger on what actually bothers me about syscourse and the endogenic community.

I have several disorders that I developed because of trauma. Some of them I’m comfortable sharing and some of them I’m not. When I’ve reached out to those communities online, C-PTSD communities for example, obviously there’s been misinformation, trolls, anything you’d find in any other online community. But ultimately, we were still allowed to have spaces that were centered around sharing our stories and experiences with C-PTSD and relating to other people with the disorder.

I’ve been in the didosdd community for a good half year now and the biggest noted difference that’s come to my attention is that pwdidosdd just aren’t allowed that. When we try to make spaces for ourselves, we have to clarify that it’s traumagenic only, and if we clarify so we get accused of being anti-endogenic, as if that should have anything to do with it. Some systems won’t even talk to each other unless they agree on this topic, even if speaking to each other can educate us as systems. And when I say systems, I mean traumagenic ones. Even now, I have to clarify.

I’ve interacted with discord communities and skimmed through articles and read carrds for months and the one thing I’ve realized is that I honestly do not care if endogenic systems are real or not. I genuinely do not. My problem lies in the fact that the endogenic community has taken away any real chance pwdidosdd had to form a community of our own, without endos being a topic that’s even brought up, because you people have involved yourself so deeply in a traumatized group’s business and made us out to be the bad guys. And yet, you accuse us of ableism, being exclusionists, but after learning about the history of the system community, I don’t ever see a point where we were allowed a space to exclude you from without having to clarify “Oh we’re not anti endo we just want a space for ourselves!” and if we just say we need a space for ourselves without clarifying our stance on endogenic systems, people get so pissed. It’s exhausting.

If you still don’t get what I mean which is perfectly understandable because I’ve been rambling for two paragraphs: Endos have inserted themselves so deeply into everything in this community that even in traumagenic spaces, something is centered around them. Traumagenic systems are fighting with each other because there’s this huge pressure to take a stance on syscourse, there’s this need to clarify that we don’t want endogenics in our system spaces and unless we say we’re pro endo you people take it as a threat. Everything has been made about endos and their discourse and it’s made it impossible for a traumatized community of people to even have any sort of community. That’s the most frustrating thing about all of this.