allisonzoeann-

[allisonzoeann-]

I am literally never speaking to a soul again about having BPD and abandonment issues.

They never avoid threatening to leave, I feel like it guarantees that they’ll bring it up casual as hell anytime something’s wrong.

Then it’s “why do you need so much reassurance.”

Getting diagnosed and learning how to communicate my feelings and how my brain works is absolutely fucking useless. It’s never once benefitted me.

I’m tired.

Please

[allisonzoeann-]

I was already sad enough.

[allisonzoeann-]

Accept things for what they are, not how you want them to be. Accept things for what they are, not how you want them to be. Accept things for what they are, not how you want them to be. Accept things for what they are, not how you want them to be. Accept things for what they are, not how you want them to be. Accept things for what they are, not how you want them to be. Accept things for what they are, not how you want them to be. Accept things for what they are, not how you want them to be. Accept things for what they are, not how you want them to be. Accept things for what they are, not how you want them to be. Accept things for what they are, not how you want them to be. Accept things for what they are, not how you want them to be. Accept things for what they are not how you want them to be. Accept things for what they are, not how you want them to be. Accept things for what they are, not how you want them to be. Accept things for what they are, not how you want them to be. Accept things for what they are, not how you want them to be. Accept things for what they are, not how you want them to be. Accept things for what they are, not how you want them to be. Accept things for what they are, not how you want them to be. Accept things for what they are, not how you want them to be. Accept things for what they are, not how you want them to be. Accept things for what they are, not how you want them to be. Accept things for what they are, not how you want them to be. Accept things for what they are, not how you want them to be. Accept things for what they are, not how you want them to be. Accept things for what they are, not how you want them to be. Accept things for what they are, not how you want them to be. Accept things for what they are, not how you want them to be. Accept things for what they are, not how you want them to be. Accept things for what they are, not how you want them to be. Accept things for what they are, not how you want them to be. Accept things for what they are, not how you want them to be. Accept things for what they are, not how you want them to be. Accept things for what they are, not how you want them to be. Accept things for what they are, not how you want them to be. Accept things for what they are, not how you want them to be. Accept things for what they are, not how you want them to be. Accept things for what they are, not how you want them to be. Accept things for what they are, not how you want them to be. Accept things for what they are, not how you want them to be. Accept things for what they are, not how you want them to be. Accept things for what they are, not how you want them to be. Accept things for what they are, not how you want them to be. Accept things for what they are, not how you want them to be. Accept things for what they are, not how you want them to be. Accept things for what they are, not how you want them to be. Accept things for what they are, not how you want them to be. Accept things for what they are, not how you want them to be. Accept things for what they are, not how you want them to be. Accept things for what they are, not how you want them to be. Accept things for what they are, not how you want them to be. Accept things for what they are, not how you want them to be. Accept things for what they are, not how you want them to be. Accept things for what they are, not how you want them to be. Accept things for what they are, not how you want them to be. Accept things for what they are, not how you want them to be. Accept things for what they are, not how you want them to be. Accept things for what they are, not how you want them to be. Accept things for what they are, not how you want them to be. Accept things for what they are, not how you want them to be. Accept things for what they are, not how you want them to be. Accept things for what they are, not how you want them to be. Accept things for what they are, not how you want them to be. Accept things for what they are, not how you want them to be. Accept things for what they are, not how you want them to be.

Accept things for what they are, not how you want them to be. Accept things for what they are not how you want them to be. Accept things for what they are, not how you want them to be. Accept things for what they are, not how you want them to be. Accept things for what they are, not how you want them to be. Accept things for what they are, not how you want them to be. Accept things for what they are, not how you want them to be. Accept things for what they are, not how you want them to be. Accept things for what they are, not how you want them to be. Accept things for what they are, not how you want them to be. Accept things for what they are, not how you want them to be. Accept things for what they are, not how you want them to be. Accept things for what they are, not how you want them to be. Accept things for what they are, not how you want them to be. Accept things for what they are, not how you want them to be. Accept things for what they are, not how you want them to be. Accept things for what they are, not how you want them to be. Accept things for what they are, not how you want them to be. Accept things for what they are, not how you want them to be. Accept things for what they are, not how you want them to be. Accept things for what they are, not how you want them to be. Accept things for what they are, not how you want them to be. Accept things for what they are, not how you want them to be. Accept things for what the are not how you want them to be. Accept things for what they are, not how you want them to be. Accept things for what they are, not how you want them to be. Accept things for what they are, not how you want them to be. Accept things for what they are, not how you want them to be. Accept things for what they are, not how you want them to be. Accept things for what they are, not how you want them to be. Accept things for what they are, not how you want them to be. Accept things for what they are, not how you want them to be. Accept things for what they are, not how you want them to be. Accept things for what they are, not how you want them to be. Accept things for what they are, not how you want them to be. Accept things for what they are, not how you want them to be. Accept things for what they are, not how you want them to be. Accept things for what they are, not how you want them to be. Accept things for what they are, not how you want them to be. Accept things for what they are, not how you want them to be. Accept things for what they are, not how you want them to be. Accept things for what they are, not how you want them to be. Accept things for what they are, not how you want them to be. Accept things for what they are, not how you want them to be. Accept things for what the are, not how you want them to be. Accept things for what they are, not how you want them to be. Accept things for what they are, not how you want them to be. Accept things for what they are, not how you want them to be. Accept things for what they are, not how you want them to be. Accept thing for what they are, not how you want them to be. Accept things for what they are, not how you want them to be. Accept things for what they are, not how you want them to be. Accept things for what they are, not how you want them to be. Accept things for what they are, not how you want them to be. Accept things for what they are, not how you want them to be. Accept things for what they are, not how you want them to be. Accept things for what they are, not how you want them to be. Accept things for what they are, not how you want them to be. Accept things for what they are, not how you want them to be. Accept things for what they are, not how you want them to be. Accept things for what they are, not how you want them to be. Accept things for what they are not how you want them to be. Accept things for what they are, not how you want them to be. Accept things for what they are, not how you want them to be. Accept things for what they are, not how you want them to be. Accept things for what they are, not how you want them to be. Acce

[allisonzoeann-]

I’ve been in a relapse for weeks and I don’t see it ever getting better.

[allisonzoeann-]

I’m so fucking stupid and useless. God damnit. I wish I were dead. I don’t want to be here.

[allisonzoeann-]

I don’t think I’ll ever be able to be the person I’m trying so hard to be. I’m not easy to love. I’m not fun to love. I’m not nonchalant. I hang on every word and glance. I’ve been trying so hard and I can never do anything right. I feel like all I amount to is someone you need to apologize to because I’m a fucking child and I’m too sensitive. All I’ll amount to is a literal fucking child without a real job. All I’ll amount to is someone no one will choose. No one will ever choose me. I haven’t done a single god damn thing over 27 years. I’m trying so so hard but I’m so tired.

[allisonzoeann-]

I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be bette I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be better I need to be bet

[allisonzoeann-]

Why do I mess up everything I was being so good when I was lonely god damnit I’m so fucking worthless I’d be better of dead better off dead better off dead better off dead better off dead better off dead better off dead better off dead better off dead better of dead better off dead better off dead better off dead better off bead better off dead better off dead better off dead

[allisonzoeann-]

I’m so lonesome and there’s nothing I can do about it.

The holidays passing and treating them like a normal day. I just now realized I was the one to facilitate the family getting together for Christmas and Thanksgiving for years now. That opportunity has been taken from me, but I also am realizing it’s not important to anyone else.

It was only important to me because I am lonesome. No one is as lonely as me. Mom has God. My sister’s have their partners and/or kids. My dad has a team of caretakers and friends he adores.

The years I didn’t cook, spend a lot on drinks, and host, my birthday didn’t get celebrated.

No one cared about my graduation. No roses or even someone to even take a picture of me in my gown.

Even within a relationship, we did nothing unless I planned it, and I stopped planning because something would always get in the way. It wasn’t important to him, only me. I was belittled for being hurt.

If you were the only one that tried to make the time to connect with everyone around you, you would be hurt too, especially for plans to be cancelled so casually. I keep my commitments for everyone else. If something happens, I make up for it. No one does that for me.

In both instances, familial and intimate, if I don’t put in the effort to make connection happen, no one else will. I’ve been putting in all this legwork for years.

No one wants to celebrate the good times with me unless I facilitate it, so why wouldn’t I self isolate in the times when I look at any object and my first thought is how I can kill myself with it? I cannot facilitate someone else being good to me when I’m in my darkest moments, and frankly, I don’t trust any of them motherfuckers to. The only one I did, kicked me while I was down. Fought with me while I’m in a hospital wearing laceless shoes. Jumped at the chance to make it about himself when I reached out for help. Fucking criticized for my “same depressing thoughts.”

He hasn’t changed from the first time I said “I feel like I could have a gun in my mouth, and you will still find it more pressing to say whatever it is you want to say.” Honestly, he’s probably worse.

He is fucking cruel and callous. The rest are just selfish. At the very least they don’t care.

I feel like there is a galaxy sized hole in my heart that I want filled so badly. I try to fill it by taking care of everyone else around me. I try to fill it by overextending myself. I try to fill it by contorting my body to fit into multiple roles at once, mother, caretaker, mediator, host, housewife. I try to fill it by making it a priority to be available for people that don’t return the favor.

After all this, the hole is still there, growing bigger and more vast by the day. I can’t fill it anymore.

After years of pouring myself out of this cup, no one will even give me an ounce. Not a drop. Bone-dry.

I’m going to shatter.

#lonely #loneliness #lonesome #bpd #borderline personaity #depression #borderline #borderline split #borderline personality disorder #cancelled plans #family #relationships #love

[allisonzoeann-]

I won’t see next year.

I am tired. I am so tired.

I don’t think I’ll make it to Christmas.

[allisonzoeann-]

I don’t think I’ll make it to Christmas.

[allisonzoeann-]

Dear Diary,

If I don’t have expectations, I won’t be disappointed but I miss reciprocated energy. I want to feel wanted. I want to feel like more than a placement holder. I want to feel like I matter.

[allisonzoeann-]

Christmas is the season of giving, so I’m giving up.

[allisonzoeann-]

[allisonzoeann-]

[allisonzoeann-]

nasty sex with a hint of sweet in it is fucking amazing, like pound my shit but hold my hand while you do it

[allisonzoeann-]

˗ˋˏ ♡ ˎˊ˗