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my body

Everyday, I look at myself in the mirror–everyday, my self image changes. Too fat, too skinny, too boxy, too long, too flat–too imperfect. I’ve only ever been focused on how I looked, not how I felt. I hurt my own feelings with my own opinions and judgment.

This morning, I looked in the mirror as I changed my clothes. Why do I look so fat? I haven’t even eaten anything I thought to myself. It was like this almost everyday, except for the days when I was too tired to care about anything. I continued on with my day like normal, riding the bus to school and making my way to my classes. I liked riding the bus, I got to talk to my close friends–they made me feel okay; they helped me forget about my struggles.

I always go to breakfast at school, solely to see my friends, but I usually don’t eat. Not recently, at least. Even though I regret it later into my day, it’s no big deal. Water fills me up enough. As long as I just drink some water, I’ll be fine. I don’t want to gain any more weight. Regardless of what people tell me, I still think I’m fat. I can deal with a couple of hunger pains, it’s not like it’ll kill me.

Halfway through 5th period, the pains started to feel unbearable, but I still had 2 periods until lunch. I didn’t want to eat, but I felt like I had to at that point. I wasn’t as strong as I thought I was.

Once I got to lunch, I sat down and talked to my boyfriend. I love my boyfriend. He makes me feel like it’ll be okay. He tries to make sure that I eat, but I don’t always tell him the truth. I wish I could, but I don’t want to disappoint him–so why don’t you just eat? Well, I don’t want to disappoint myself either. However, I did end up disappointing myself. For lunch, I had a lot. Guiltily, I ate, and I’ll admit it felt good, but I knew it wasn’t going to help me look at myself differently. If anything, it was probably going to make me judge myself even more later that day. 

When I got home, after a day full of socialization and laughs and happiness, it all started to hit me again. The dark feeling of self-hatred and critique. I lifted my shirt as I stared at my reflection, nitpicking every part of myself. I pulled at the more fatty parts of my stomach, I hated it. I traced the outline of my body, even though I had a couple of curves, it meant nothing compared to all of the things I didn’t have. I looked at my chest, wishing it would grow. I picked and pulled at my thighs, they were so oddly shaped. I stared at the gap between them, wishing it would just close–I always felt like it made me look awkward no matter how I stood. I turned to the side, analyzing how my figure looked from that angle. I looked wide and disproportionate. My rib cage looked like it was too big for the rest of my body, and I looked bloated. I hated my body so much, every part of it. No matter how much I tried to appreciate it, I found myself wishing to look like other people.

I haven’t had any kind of ‘liking’ for my body since I was 8 years old. When I was 8, I attended a day camp for most of the summer. I was almost always in a swimsuit–everyday, if it wasn’t raining, we went to the pool at least twice. One day while I was waiting for my parents to pick me up, I was on the swings next to a boy named Paul. I was still in my swimsuit because the last thing my group had done that day was go to the pool. Paul looked over at me, 

“Please don’t wear that again,” he said.

“Why not?” I questioned him, I saw nothing wrong with my swimsuit; it was a 2 piece–the top was pink, purple, and blue, tye dye while the bottoms were just purple.

“Your belly is out.” he pointed.

“Yeah, what about it?” he continued to perplex me.

“It’s big.” he explained.

I looked down at my stomach, my lip beginning to quiver as hot tears filled my eyes. When I got home, I buried my face in my pillow and sobbed. My dad asked me what was wrong, but I never told him; I just kept crying.

I never saw myself the same after that. As I got older, the kids I was surrounded by only got meaner.

When I was in 6th grade, I had a crush on a boy named Nathan. He was your classic, blue-eyed, blondie. Many girls had a crush on him, he was funny. I was a lot skinnier than I was when I was 8, and I saw that as progress. However, Nathan had set me back a while.

“You’re so short!” I teased, playfully joking around with him.

“Shut up, you’re flat!” he exclaimed–he wasn’t joking around with me anymore, he was serious. I went silent after that, but he didn’t take it into account. As the day progressed, I looked around the room, analyzing the other girls in my class–more specifically, the ones Nathan would talk to. I noticed that they all had bigger chests than I did. After that day, I gained a new insecurity.

Nathan moved away after Christmas break that year, but it didn’t get any easier after he left.

Shortly after he had moved away, a new boy joined our class. I didn’t have a crush on him, but he spoke similarly to the way Nathan did. His name was Jonothan. Not even a month after he had joined our class, he was constantly annoying me. Occasionally, he would say things about my body and how I was flat. Even though I didn’t say anything to him about it, it deeply affected me. Eventually, I ended up writing about it for a project–then I had to talk to the principal about what was going on. I’m unsure of the discipline he was given, or if he was given any at all, but he never said anything to me about it.

. . .

Years later, I still don’t completely love my body. It’s a work in progress, I guess you could say. I try not to be so judgmental towards myself, but there’s moments when I can’t control it. Regardless, I’m on a journey, trying to learn how to love myself. Some days it’s merely impossible, but some days I feel okay with embracing myself and my body. I know it will get easier for me eventually, it just takes time.

**To anyone who is experiencing an eating disorder, body dysmorphia, struggles with self esteem, confidence, or self image, I encourage you to reach out to someone for help. Your body is a temple, please care for it properly. You are worth more than you think–you withhold more beauty than you could ever know. Please, take care of yourself; that goes for everyone. No matter where you are on your journey and how hard it may get, just keep your head held high and remind yourself of your end goal. I love you.**

#self worth #growth #mental health #art #new blog #thoughts #beautiful body #beauty #self love #love yourself #writing #creative writing #personal post #meh

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“Everyone needs a person to whom you can actually tell the truth when he/she asks “How are you?””

— Tinku Razoria

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touchmysense_ on ig

#you are loved #self worth #proud of you #encouraging quotes #encouraging growth #growth #perserverance

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It's okay to say no and set boundaries in order to prioritize your well-being. It's important to protect your time and energy and not overextend yourself.

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𝖍𝖊𝖑𝖑𝖔, 𝖘𝖙𝖗𝖆𝖓𝖌𝖊𝖗

get to know me .

as i said in my introductory post, the next step is to introduce myself; so here i am :)

my name is gianna, but my friends refer to me as gia. i was actually contemplating if i'd go by gia or gianna when i created this blog, lol. i guess you could say i'm just a modern day teenager, just my thought process is a little different from some of the other modern day teens i go to school with. aside from the normal thoughts every teen thinks, i also like to make sure i know where i stand in terms of mental health, physical health, and sexuality. another thing i value is acknowledging my feelings, i've had issues with running from them in the past. from my experience, some of those topics have been a bit conflicting or problematic for some teens in school. as we all know, kids are mean; it gets difficult sometimes. that was also another motive to start this, just to let you know. i also value my spirituality, i am a very spiritual person. i've been trying to rekindle my connection to the universe actually, i feel i've been distant lately; i want to spread more positivity into it though. in terms of religion though, i'm pagan. i've always found greek mythology to be interesting in itself, but i've especially adored aphrodite. though she's technically not a person, she's my role model in a way. this is getting lengthy so i'm going to cut straight to some more broad facts about me. my birthday is december 30 (2 days!) and i'm a capricorn. i enjoy music, writing, reading, drawing, painting, and meditation, so expect a little bit of all of that. i also compose music & sing :)

until next time, bye for now !

𝖞𝖔𝖚𝖗𝖘 𝖙𝖗𝖚𝖑𝖞, 𝖌 𝖎 𝖆 𝖓 𝖓 𝖆

#introductory post #get to know me #new blog

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#childhood trauma #trauma #fear #phobia #you are loved #self worth #growth #mental health #relatable

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There will always be something wrong about you to a person that's not right for you.

k.b. // @/undercovermotivation_ - tik tok

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“Please stop destroying what is left of your heart by constantly thinking about things that have broken you.”

— Nikita Gill

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“How you love yourself is how you teach others to love you.”

— Rupi Kaur, Milk & Honey

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𝖆 𝖓𝖊𝖜 𝖇𝖊𝖌𝖎𝖓𝖓𝖎𝖓𝖌

the start of an era .

welcome to my blog, the place where i decide to share the thoughts i'd never dare to speak in person.

throughout this blog, you may or may not find some things to be relatable. I'll discuss many different factors in my mind, maybe even some of the more gut-wrenching thoughts. the whole purpose is for at least someone to find this blog and know they aren't alone; to know their experience is not just a secluded suffering they have to hold onto in the back of their mind. I may also share some poetry and experiences from others. my content will vary from personal experiences and thoughts, others personal experiences and thoughts, poetry, free writing, and possibly some artistic things. one thing about me, i'm very artsy.

this concludes the introduction to blog, so i suppose the next step would be to introduce myself :)

𝖞𝖔𝖚𝖗𝖘 𝖙𝖗𝖚𝖑𝖞, 𝖌 𝖎 𝖆 𝖓 𝖓 𝖆

#thoughts #art #writing #introductory post #new blog #first post #new to tumblr #therapy #comfort #mental health #growth