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27 ♥︎ Documenting Days ♥︎ Names are changed
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IMAGINATION
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11:34pm 01/27/2023
I wish to write creatively again. I don't know where to do that, though. I don't want to do it here. I want to do it with just myself. I could write in a physical journal, but my hand cannot quite keep up with my thoughts if I do so.
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7:42pm 01/14/2024
Finally have a couple of days off. I've been picking up shifts these past two weeks since one of my coworkers is out of town, and I am so ready to have my "weekend" back. I bought Baldur's Gate for my friend so we can play together, but honestly I don't know how much we're going to be able to do that. Hopefully we get some time over the next couple of days. But, my bf likes to use my PC and he bought Baldur's Gate on my PC so he can play. I think I might pay him for half of it or something. I feel bad that he bought it on here but then I bought it for my friend instead of paying for the copy on my own PC. I just wouldn't have bought it for myself right now, but since he did it already I wanted a friend to play with? Idk, I feel bad.
Anyway, it's super cold outside. There's a small chance of rain, too. If it rains everything will freeze, and everything will shut down probably. I hope we don't have rolling blackouts again like a few years ago. That kind of sucked.
My brain feels kind of frazzled. I wanted to write, but I feel a bit aimless in my writing. I feel like it's my hormones all out of whack. I don't feel like talking about work, which is the only thing I've been doing recently.
I bought new sheets? There are little bugs all over them. I really want to get a new pillow. My bf's mom strictly buys these specific pillows and they are S tier pillows. She sent my bf the link for me a while ago, haha. I just need to pull the trigger. But, I've impulsively bought a fair few things the past couple of weeks, so I should probably chill out on that for a bit. Honestly, I doubt I will though. Depends on this next paycheck. But I know this next pay check is going to be soooo nice so I have a feeling I'm going to continue to not be the most responsible. BUT, I did put my entire lasssst paycheck in my savings account. so... ? Ebb and flow I guess. I'm not too stressed about it all right now.
I'm listening to the new Kid Cudi album right now (INSANO) and I don't know how I feel about it yet. I've already considered closing out of it, but I'm only on song six, and that doesn't feel like I've given it a fair chance.
I think I'm going to browse some tags and then read until Ofelia has Baldur's Gate downloaded.
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1:04am 1/05/2024
I'm back in my own space. Moved into the same studio complex I was in before. Really lucked out with my old neighbor moving out right when I was needing to move into a new place. I have a better unit than when I last lived here, and I'm paying less rent. Took me two months to set up my internet, but hey, I got around to it.
I'm reading a handful of books right now. My favorite of which is The Terror by Dan Simmons. There are a few aspects that I don't particularly enjoy about the story, but ultimately I'm enjoying reading about all these men trapped in the harrowing element of ice and snow.
I have a lot to catch up on life-wise. I'll probably just catch you up through context with future posts. I'm not the best about going back and writing about a past chunk of time. I'm going to wash my face and read until I fall asleep.
1:12am
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10:40pm I don’t want to exist in any physical space
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07.30.2023
#online journal#2023#July#mine#it’s hair dye don’t worry#weirdcore#sadcore#i don’t know how to use tags#i just like the way this looks#how do I find other people that like shit like this
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07.22.2023
I have a habit of ripping the labels off of my bottles at bars, and making images with them. Typically, it’s something uniform like the first image. But someone wanted to join me in my craft and then three other people became involved. These are our pieces
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I know that rereading entries that involve this dude are going to make me cringe so unbelievably hard.
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07/10/2023 10:18pm
I'm not feeling great today. I don't really know what to say or how to explain it, but I do know that I am severely tired. I may blame the sadness solely on that. But I think I feel some type of lonely. I've been trying to fill my time with friends, but it's too hot to be outside, and I don't feel like drinking. I've been succumbing to both, though. An old coworker/friend is back in town and we're celebrating her return before she officially starts work, but today I bailed before the drinking began.
I know that alcohol is a downer, and I was reminded of that again recently. Maybe that's part of the reason that I've been feeling so tired recently. Plus... again... the heat. The heat takes my soul from my body every day. I wish I could take off of work for a couple of weeks so I could fully sulk by myself. I think I just need a break.
I also have been trying to give my attention to someone who I'm gathering doesn't really want it. I don't know what my fixation with him is, but I just want to hang out with him more before he moves. He has to find a place and move by August. I haven't been able to hang out with him while I've been in a relationship, and I want to get as much time as I can with him before he moves... because I don't know how much I'll see him after that, or if I will see him at all.
It's dumb, I feel silly when it comes to him. I feel silly in general.
I don't know what to do with myself again. I feel like for a while I was pretty comfortable being alone and doing what I wanted to do while alone, but now all I desire is sleep. Maybe I just need to sleep.
10:33pm
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07/07/2023 1:07am
Slept for most of the day today. When I got up in between naps I vacuumed and cleaned up a bit, but went right back to sleep afterwards. I woke up around 4:30pm to start getting ready for a movie at 7:30pm. Went to see the new Insidious movie (it was bad) with the only guy that I haven’t been able to stop thinking about for the last year and half.
My ex bf was only ever worried about him, even though I stopped talking to him while we were dating, and even before then he was the one to set boundaries with me. I do just love talking to him, though. He’s so smart, and we have different ideas on things, so it’s fun to talk about those ideas and opinions together. He also loves going to the movies like I do. It’s been nice to talk to him again, and since I’ve now been able to, my slight obsession with him has subsided a bit. Hopefully that continues. My vast interest in him isn’t totally warranted, because he kind of just… a dude. But I love his mind and it’s been hard to quiet my thoughts of wanting to talk to him, until now at least.
The thoughts lessen every day, and if he’s capable of sticking with the boundaries he thinks is necessary, then they should eventually subside completely until he’s just a friend I can enjoy talking to without the company of my other desires. I say if he’s capable because I know he likes me, he’s told me. He just also thinks it’s probably a good idea to stay platonic friends. But unfortunately I have a physical chemistry with him that I’ve never had with another person, and it’s hard to completely ignore that when my brain tells me that I might never experience that with another person. It’s never happened before him, so what are the chances of it happening after him? I feel a little unhinged when it comes to him. I don’t enjoy it. But again, that craziness is dwindling! Thank goodness.
He dropped me off after the movie at Ophelia’s place, and the guys that live upstairs were outside shooting Roman candles. They’re friends and work at our favorite bar that I mention semi-regularly. I was going to go straight home, although I didn’t want to, but instead asked if I could use their restroom because I had to peeeeeeeeee. They kindly said yes, and afterwards asked if I wanted some spaghetti and meatballs. I said hell yes, and texted Ophelia to come upstairs. She got a new kitten yesterday, and he is soooooo tiny. The guys love him. Another gal I’ve never met before came over after a bit, and brought one of the other kitten from the litter, and I left shortly after.
I was thankfully responsible enough to remove my makeup and wash my face, and now I get to sleep again! I love sleeping.
1:29am
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07/05/2023 2:19pm
I can’t even post this when I’m actually writing because our internet provider is doing some weird sit at our complex, and none of have a connection to the Wi-Fi. I also personally don’t have any service in this area, so I’m stuck alone with my thoughts.
An interesting and immensely frustrating development has taken place. So, for the last I couple of weeks I have been hanging out with my friend Alex (she’s been mentioned before if one recalls) and Ofelia (I think this is the alias I gave her previously. They moved in town much closer than they were before, and since breaking up with my boyfriend and trying to get out of our shared living space, I’ve been at their place the majority of the past two weeks. They are living with Alex’s boyfriend, Chris. Now, prior to them living here, I didn’t go over much, and I didn’t see Alex as much as I did Ofelia because I didn’t care to drive out to where they lived. As a result I have had very brief interactions with Alex’s boyfriend. I see him on the occasion that he’s around when we’re out and about, and the brief moments before he would retire to his room after coming home from work and I happened to actually be visiting. I had spoken to him less than I’ve spoken to regulars at as a barista.
So, Alex texted me last night saying that she both her and Chris, think I have been flirting with Chris these past couple of weeks. Which, to me, is a hurtful accusation coming from her, and an insane one coming from him. Alex’s mind is overactive, and anxious, and knowing this I have taken precautions in an attempt to avoid this exact situation from happening. If there’s a moment where we might be alone, I go find something to do. I only speak to him when we’re in groups. I am mindful of the conversations we do have. And, probably the biggest to note, I am not flirting with him.
Despite these precautions, I know she’s been feeling more insecure than usual, even prior to the accusation. She told me that she’s been feeling insecure, and her behavior matches. She’s had him switch seats with her when she’s felt he’s sitting too close to me. She’s asked me to move my sitting position so that I’m not as visible to him once when he said no to switching seats, and I did. She texted me from the bathroom (I was lying on the floor and they were in the couch, I moved so that I was blocked by the coffee table). Despite ALL of this she still thinks I’ve been flirtatious. HE thinks I’ve been flirtatious, apparently.
When she texted me last night it took multiple texts for me to even understand what she was telling me because it was so far from my mind. And when I realized what she was saying I was in shock. I handed my phone to Ophelia and she told me to stop responding. Alex said, “I need to talk to you about how you come off to people” and “you come off as flirty ******”. She used my name. It felt so fucking condescending.
I have to talk to her, and to him. I honestly want to talk to them both at the same time so that they feel embarrassed. That’s they’re punishment. I don’t even care if that’s cynical, I am so angry at them. Because realistically, what am I supposed to do now? I can’t just be my normal self. I’m arguably already not being myself! What do they want from me? To ignore him completely?
Part of me, and this is very unlike me, but part of me has the desire to be petty about this. Because her calling me flirty is rich coming from her. I won’t say that, but god it’s ridiculous. Also if he has been thinking I’m flirting with him this whole time, has he been flirting with me??? Am I just oblivious? Why is this a me issue and not a discussion between them and they’re equally skewed perceptions of reality? I’m so angry. This has genuinely made me so angry.
I’m going to have to talk her, but honestly I don’t really even want to. I don’t care to even entertain this conversation. But Ofelia lives with her, and she’s my someone I would consider one of my best friends now. I don’t want to put limitations on me seeing her. But Alex makes things nearly intolerable when she’s feeling some type of way about something.
So, that’s an update.
2:45pm
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15 questions 15 mutuals
Tagged by @dzpenumbra
were you named after anyone?
I believe my dad liked the name after hearing of someone else that had named his kid my name? But not anyone in particular, no.
when was the last time you cried?
I feel like this isn’t the right answer, but I can’t remember a time before a week ago. I cried a week ago. Like… the day before I broke up with my boyfriend.
do you use sarcasm a lot?
Hmm, I used to. I don’t think I do as much anymore. I’m not very good with my tone, so people tend to think I’m being serious. Although, I feel like I’m lying right now, so maybe I do.
what's the first thing you notice about people?
I feel like I just take people in as a whole? I don’t tend to single out any one thing in particular. Maybe what they’re wearing?? I like to guess people’s personalities based off of their outfit choices. Not in a judgey way… just in an observational way.
what’s your eye color?
It’s a shade of brown.
scary movies or happy endings?
Fully depends on how I’m feeling. Usually scary movies.
any special talents?
No
where were you born?
Central Texas
what are your hobbies?
Reading, playing video games, going to swim at the river, writing, watching an ungodly amount of YouTube videos
have any pets?
I have a chihuahua!
what sports do you play/have you played?
Currently, nothing. I’ll go climbing with friends every once in a while at our local gym, or maybe ride around on a skateboard at the park with my friends that actually know how to skate, but in reality I don’t do much physical activity (yikes). I have played tennis, soccer, and volleyball. I was a gymnast for most of my life and a cheerleader in high school.
how tall are you?
5’ 3”
favorite subject in school?
Language Arts! I love reading! I love writing! My major in college was English!
dream job?
Getting paid money for existing. I don’t know?? Everything gets weird eventually
Tagging: @interdimentional (If you haven’t done this:) You!
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06.23.2023
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