worryingthing

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This is me, if you even care.

Helen Frankenthaler

#helen frankenthaler #meme #I hate passagro language #february #the edges!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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“This is a song about how if you feel defeated and trodden upon you and wasted – not in the good sense of wasted – you find some small glimmering that manages to carry you through the next sixty seconds and then you do that enough times to make an hour, and then you do it enough times to make a day… and then you keep right on doing it.”

— John Darnielle introducing Amy AKA Spent Gladiator 1, The Fillmore on 2015-06-01 (via tmgbanter)

#that's how to do it #keep on keepin on #february

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mary oliver, “the moths” (excerpt) 

#mary oliver #noticing #february

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I'm just in the office (no, not that office. This is a different 5 day a week 10-6 and so far it's better? and easier to manage? than going to deep Queens at 8 a.m. all week). This morning as I was getting dressed I found myself thinking about the past year. I found myself thinking "wow, I really did live years with my former partner working from home all day during the pandemic", and how much of that experience seems walled off by the blurry diffusion of trauma. Like, I don't really remember it. I couldn't tell you the years accurately that I was in the relationship I was writing about in this post I'm reblogging (from May 2017 btw), but it's the one before my most recent one. I have no idea, it's walled off grief. It's gone like all the parts of me it took. I see photos of my old first apartment on my old tumblr and am blown away by the smallest things. The plants I could grow, how my body looked in a grainy MacBook photobooth image. I am always regretting the ways I've aged, the weight I've gained, etc. but looking back I'm amazed at what I've survived. I'm getting into a new routine. Every day I leave work and there's just a little bit more light left lingering on the horizon. Confused plants have formed their buds already and I've even seen a few unfortunate dead hatchlings, spring's gory hallmark. It's only the first week of February.

I could go on longer, of course, but what's that Elton John song? I'm Still Standing.

TW: a lot of pent up anger. Feel free to skip.

Keep reading

#February #reminiscing #elton #time passing #february #Youtube

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Scarf  - Rory Hutton , 2023.

Scottish , b. 1980s

#scottish artist #William Morris

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Dawn  -   William H. Hays , n/d.

American,b. 1956 -

Color linocut print on paper, 9 x 12 in. 23.5 x 31 cm. Ed. 95

#William H. Hays #linocut #january

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Moodboard: browsing vintage fruit ornaments on Etsy. Nothing quite so whimsical as a frivolous little bauble. I am obsessed with little objects and silly things like this because I'm so curious about who designed each one. Now that we live in an age of countless novelty ornaments these might seem less special, but I imagine the person who chose that firey translucent orange hue and made the mold for that little carrot ornament, hand applied the little white indentation lines. Who decided to put a face on that lemon??? I wish it was my job to make weird little things like this, that's all.

#ornaments #vintage glass #etsy #november #baubles

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I got a 9 to 5 (well, 8 to 6 with commute) and I've been struggling with the overall change. It's hard to stay positive in this current climate, and I feel like I am going insane every time I glance at social media or the news. But I guess having a gig means I'm busy, or at least occupied, which is helpful as much as I resent it. Life in Queens is great but everything does still feel a little foreign and far off. The weather being so dramatic has not helped either, I am very unhappy about having to pull out my tights and sift through which pairs have holes or can still be worn (70% had holes and Uniqlo stopped making their heat tech tights in Navy - guess I'll die, etc).

Anyway, I can feel my spirit being worn down by office lighting, small talk, k cups, how absolutely shitty the R train is, and people having speakerphone conversations on the bus and train at 8 a.m. All of it. So I wanted to return to a practice of gratitude to remind me to maybe stave off a little despair. I was really enjoying my tarot pulls when my life had a lot more uncertainty (does he like me? turns out, yes!! Will I ever get a job? Yeah, but now it's my whole life and I am always tired) Anyway in an act of anger at me for being gone from my home for most of the day now, Leelou (one of my cats) threw up on my tarot deck! A card or two is worse for the wear and I haven't decided if I am going to replace it or try to keep working with it just yet.

anyway!

I found a good smash burger in the neighborhood!! Petey's. It's perfect. The relief I feel at having discovered this is immense.

also food (I'm a Taurus?!) but I went to King of Falafel after hopping off the 30th ave stop. Sam had pointed it out to me when we walked to the train and it had a 15-minute wait so we walked a little further and he pointed out some things I hadn't seen since I live off a different stop. The falafel was probably the best I've ever had and it was beautiful to stand in a Palestinian restaurant so proud of its heritage. There was a wait for pita so I waited and was rewarded with a bonus piece, which was so warm and fluffy and heavenly to tear into on my walk back home. I will definitely be going back.

Access Oasis Garden, which my friend Kate founded. Right now we're focused on showing the Parks department and community that we're committed as a group so on Saturday I got to be a part of some bulb planting. To put something in the ground as a gift for future enjoyment is so rewarding, and signifies a deep hope, I feel. I am so astounded by how quickly things have moved and I can't wait to see it grow further. I also got to make some new friends, who ended up coming to the soup event at the beer hall after the planting was done. It was a really beautiful day of community!

Good hugs from friends! getting to share in the joy of a friend's good news.

Sam, who is so understanding and gentle and thoughtful. I'm still like, wait what, is this real? It turns out I am all about clear communication and intent! It's great!

Becoming emboldened re: work snacks, speaking of it is almost time for me to sneak some hummus at my desk. Sometimes on my lunch, I browse the dollar store candy section just to amuse myself, which is how I ended up with a desk drawer full of tootsie rolls.

Radio.Garden. I do sometimes browse the map endlessly, and I love to visit the station websites! I have found a few stations that originated as in-hospital or nursing home stations but graduated to internet broadcasts. Many stations I stumble upon are community-founded, which I love to see because I find the idea of radio of course extremely romantic, but also hopeful. It is also a perfect tool if you're not sure what you want to listen to - which happens to me a lot as someone who experiences intense decision paralysis. There's a station on the west coast of France that plays classical before lunch and jazz after. I began my work morning with AshiyaRadio, a Japanese jazz station.

for some reason, my rosacea goes nuts at work (I turn pink when dehydrated) but I bought this mini Tower 28 rescue spray and it seems to help a little, plus I like how refreshing it feels. Let me just anoint my visage real quick in this office hell space, etc

Tears of the Kingdom - which is soooo immense it's overwhelming but I have been enjoying dropping in and trying to further along my journey with various side quests. It's a perfect game to just meander around in, every last detail is stunning. I should remind myself I can take my switch on my work commute!!

Seemingly breezing through a lot of big changes with minimal anxiety?? I have been complaining a lot about how exhausted I've been but it's my fourth week and I had to learn/memorize A LOT the first two, so now it's slightly more routine and less overwhelming. I had one crying meltdown during the height of my period and missed a group of friends out, but I am pretty sure I needed that cry and it was unavoidable.

I know what's for dinner (the relief!): the half package of pumpkin ravioli I splurged on from the store and half a head of broccoli. I finish both in sage brown butter, toasted breadcrumbs, parmesan, and lemon. Still have to figure out a work lunch, though ):

Sometimes it's really hard to tell if these sorts of things are even worth posting or just too navel-gazy, but I stuck with it and I'm posting and my outlook on life does feel improved, surprisingly. I'm also not in talk therapy because how can that even happen with my new schedule? So writing it out it is.

#tyn #November #tumblr on desktop at work!

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before sunset (2004) dir. richard linklater

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Girl, I’m trying.*

*context: I asked the deck if I could do this (this being survive, and/or thrive, now or ever? Got this song and this card)

#september #not down this low #tarot #Spotify

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Stumbled into some transcendence last night on Spotify radio and have been listening to gorgeous Brazilian music all day now.

#Sangue Latino #Secos & Molhaldos #September #now listening #Spotify

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Yo La Tengo "Sugarcube" (1997)

#yo la tengo #sugarcube #september

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tyn September 4, 2023

Do you even know how hard it was to not write August? How is it not still August? August was infinite! and yet somehow our fingertips only touched a few times. I am on the patio of my parent’s house and the sun has gone down behind the trees and there's a symphony of insects seemingly celebrating Xenakis. I glanced up at the rococo dusk and saw a bat flit clear past the oak tree. I love how bats cut through the haze of late summer humidity so viscerally. My vision is getting worse, and that worries me. A lot of things worry me, so I keep trying to find ways to ground myself: gratitude is a grounding practice. Maybe if I could see my life not for what it lacks, but for what (or all) it could hold - things would change? Anyway:

⁃ Texts from friends, specifically ones that say “We missed you last night” and “You can make it another night” etc ⁃ Being on an acquaintance’s private Instagram story as he reads “How to Heal From an Emotionally Immature Parent” (or something to that effect, I’m paraphrasing) and shares a relevant paragraph that makes me feel seen in my experiences. ⁃ Grounding myself by taking time to breathe outside and hear the cicadas and wind. Being inside such a large house for a few days with little agency can be disorienting, but it's good to remember the order of the outside world. The sky is still moving around and I pay more attention to that than the news anyway.

- Getting to talk to my grandmother on the phone.

- my favorite face sunscreen is on sale (not an ad!)

#augtember #september #tyn

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On Lake Attersee

Gustav Klimt, 1900

The painting I was thinking about while floating in the calm waters of Ocean City on half an edible with my friends. Every wave was a brush stroke breaking quietly past our shoulders, heads above the water, grinning wildly. It's hard to imagine a happier or more beautiful moment.

#joy #august #gustav klimpt #bliss

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Solstice

I am going to this reading for myself as an exercise in being present and a check in at the half point of this warm part of the year (where I can actually feel like I am alive). I write this from the patio, in the sun, with a glass of blood orange juice. I am using the Pasta Tarot deck. I really love this deck because it is incredibly vivid, it is very inclusive in its imagery, and it was produced by two queer Italians who love pasta. I love pasta, probably more than most things, so this deck felt like the one I have been waiting for. It is really, really beautiful. 

Card 1: 9 of Corta reversed (Fusilli)/ 9 of Wands reversed.

Question: What am I not seeing in myself? The deck has keywords “protection, tenacity, exhaustion” written under this card. The card itself depicts a motherly figure standing with an apron behind an infant in a high chair who is throwing fistfuls of fusilli in the air. She looks defeated in her posture, but her jewelry is all curved and twisted like the pasta, suggesting she is equipped to deal with the situation at hand. Reversed, however: suggests a state of being overwhelmed and unassisted, adrift without an oar. It suggests I should draw on my inner strengths, which possibly I am unable to see due to being totally overwhelmed. This card hits so hard I almost want to stop this exercise entirely, but I convinced myself it would be good for me so I will persist. 

Card 2: Page of Lunga reversed 9 / Page of Swords reversed

Question: What can I reveal about myself to the world? The keywords say “precocity, brightness, idealism”. The card depicts a confident figure in a yellow outfit with a cow print vest, behind them an idyllic looking green-scape and a huge white cloud. From Biddy Tarot: “the Page of Swords reversed can appear in a Tarot reading when you are holding back from expressing your truth, especially in a public forum”. What a card to get when the question is “WHAT CAN I REVEAL ABOUT MYSELF” Additional message that I find helpful from Biddy “Tackle things one at a time rather than trying to manage everything at once. Doing so will lead to more meaningful outcomes.” This is hard to abide by when, as previously mentioned, I do feel completely overwhelmed by everything all the time. I do know that keeping how I feel so tamped down deep inside of me caused a lot of pain, and I have booked a therapy appointment at the end of the month for the express purpose of giving myself a place to talk where I will not feel selfish or overbearing for expressing how I’ve been feeling. I also just spent the weekend with family, which is a place I feel my real voice/self is absolutely not to be expressed, which also causes a lot of pent up pain. 

Card 3: Page of Minuta / Page of Pentacles

Question: What area of my life is about to flourish? (lol, truly, lmao I cannot imagine anything “flourishing” at this point, but every day I go outside and look at my little seedlings and every day they look bigger and continue to contort and burst forward thanks to the sun - the reason for the exercise) Biddy says “Manifestation, financial opportunity, skill development”, I have been applying around for jobs with little success or even response for a while now. This is, admittedly, a great card to pull for this question. I am almost surprised it’s not reversed and that there is no “catch”. Pentacles are associated with earth signs, and so with land, with the body, and with (obviously) money. This card depicts a hand with a fresh manicure and behind you can see a wall of nail polish colors suggesting there is abundance and it’s up to you to decide how to adorn yourself/honor yourself. I am starting to feel bad I am doing this instead of the job stuff but I am doing this because I can’t write a cover letter without wanting to die and maybe this will make me remember how to write? 

Card 4: 6 of Minuta reversed (alfabeto) / 6 of Pentacles reversed

Question: How can I open myself up to greater joy? The Alfabeta is Alphabet pasta, this card depicts a figure standing before a vat of alphabet soup, pouring a ladle full into a bowl while two figures wait before her. It is clear this card is about nourishing, charity, possibly even community. The keywords are “Altruism, Redistribution, Imploration”.  Reversed, this card seems to suggest I take care not to over-extend myself and focus on self care. This aligns a little with how I’ve been feeling, trying to do things that I know will make me feel better like: walking the big park loop and being within my community and nature, doing yoga, deciding to do a semi elaborate baking project just because I feel fulfilled and powerful when I’m creating things. I do have to nourish my inner self because it’s easy to be so filled up with despair that the only things left are video games and bad tv. 

Card 5: Knight of Ripena reversed / Knight of Cups reversed.

Question: What message does the sun have for me? This card has keywords “Lavishment, Seduction, Manners”. Reversed the keywords are “Overactive imagination, unrealistic, jealous, moody”. Hm . This card suggests frustration, a disconnect from reality, daydreaming but not doing. I think the sun is telling me to get out of this rut I have eternally been in.. but how? I need to ground my ideas into reality, says biddy tarot, which I am and have been trying to do. It has been like marching through quick sand. The pandemic and American politics have made me tired of life in a way I never imaged possible. I have no attention span or memory anymore. I’m trying to find my way back but figuring out what’s a lighthouse and what’s a flashlight with low batteries in a dark and churning sea has not been easy. I suppose I better get my act together and shake some action. Any. day. now. 

#june #solstice #tarot #excercise

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It’s the second to last day of December, it’s the second to last day of the year, and it’s too warm. I take off my hat and push up my sleeves to help alleviate the discomfort. I have two masks in my pocket and a wad of tissues. Life exists in phases: home, thinking about taking a walk, and the actual walk itself. That’s all. Two months ago I was in Italy and then Chicago and then Texas. Reality feels threadbare and punishing. I have my health, I have my body- which for too long I’ve mostly forgotten about. The walking helps me remember, because distance traversed is empirical proof of existence, I guess. 

I feel so overwhelmed about things and then I try to tel myself they are small griefs compared to the larger problems in the world, which is true, but pointless. I need a haircut, a dental cleaning, a bra fitting, a new pair of jeans, maybe a piercing. But none of that is safe to do. When will it be? Nobody knows and New York continues to be busy and no less crowded. I need to believe the last bit of my youth won’t play out like it has these past two years (6, really have). I need to believe I’ll ever get to dance with my friends again. I need to believe there will still be friends there if and when this ever “ends”. I need a therapist. 

My new years resolution is to return to therapy and bake more bread. Both will nourish me and improve my quality of life, and has the potential to do the same for others.

Tomorrow I’ll make Pelmeni and Cinnamon Rolls and do some long put off organizing in the house and tell myself that it will help and that things could change. On New Years Day I plan to exfoliate in the shower (a ritual shedding, transformation, renewal) eat pelmeni and cinnamon rolls, and maybe take a long lap in the park if the weather allows. I feel optimistic about this Jupiter in Pisces (my actual placement, too). 

For Christmas I was gifted an electric kettle, because my stove top one always let me know it was boiling by spewing water everywhere. It’s a small change but already there is a new ease, already a new shape to how the day begins. The new one has a pour over timer, which I really love, like it’s rooting for me to successfully make this simple, beautiful coffee. I keep thinking, about the old kettle, “well it’s a perfectly good kettle, I should put it on the sidewalk for someone to take” about this object that’s 1) been the bane of my existence for a while now, and 2) originated as a gift from my most loathed ex. If anything it should be cursed and buried but the possibility that it could be of use to someone else haunts me. Why do our minds come equipped with this sort of thinking, who is really at the reigns here?  

#written while walking #december #new years

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I’m trying and failing to quantify or qualify my feelings? I came here with some neat phrase that I immediately already forgot. I don’t know how to feel anymore, or specifically how to hope anymore. But I didn’t lose more than time, right? I didn’t lose a family member, and I can’t even begin to comprehend the fact that my parents drove to Oklahoma to see their parents during this pandemic year. But could they not? No. But also, god so many mercies and miracles. Everyone is alive somehow. We have vaccines. It feels really ludicrous to grieve something the isn’t tangible (aging, the loss of a sense of self)

Anyway I was going to say it sucks that I get grief for staying up super late into the morning, but mostly these are the only hours I have to myself, where I get to sort of pluck out once of the little sheets of ice in a frozen lake that is cracking and floating away and examine it before it’s gone from me. There’s no way to gather it all back in like a puzzle, just a thousand little shards dissipating

#Youtube