ventaccbrekker

[ventaccbrekker]

On the bright side I’ve read 3 books in 3 days and now someone owes me a milkshake ;)

[ventaccbrekker]

It’s been a while. Shit has happened

1. One of my only guy best friends and honestly above anyone else the person I thought understood me most out of the friend group and I thought we were on the same wavelength just sexually harassed someone I know, and I know it’s true, and it fucking sucks bc I fucking trusted him and now I don’t even know how to act, bc I promised this person that I would let them take care of this matter but every time I see him I want to pick his eyeballs out and even as I’m writing this I get my stomach twisted, it’s fucking sick

2. AND WAY LESS IMPORTANT ITS NOT AT ALL ON THE SAME LEVEL, yeah, the guy I was crushing on started to get closer to me and then he got a girlfriend, safe to say that he’s not talking to me anymore, even if he never talked to me with those intentions now it’s back to do we even know each other, which sucks bc when we started talking I found out we had lots of things in common and I never approached my conversations with him expecting a relationship, I never do, I don’t have the confidence for it, so I thought we could be good friends, or just, like friendly, but now it’s not even a fucking hi and today he wore a uniform of a team I love and he knows that I love and shit and one of our mutual friends was screaming about it and when everyone was together we kind of locked eyes but I didn’t get to say anything like “nice costume” or whatever bc he literally went the other way around, and even my friend was bumped out, not bc he wasn’t talking to me, tbh nobody notices bc we usually talked when there was nobody else to talk to, but she was bumped out bc she was a pretty big fan of the team too, she was the one who introduced me to the team and although they saw each other before he just kinda left, and I feel bad bc he is part of her second family, but I also know it isn’t my fault bc why would it be? As I said I never approached trying anything other than just small talk, and even then when we did talk he was the one who approached me, I said nothing to scare him away and I actually get along pretty well with his gf, we used to be close friends when we were little and when we got older we were part of the same dance team, so I still don’t see an issue and I don’t like that my friend is bumped out about it, so yeah, that happened, I don’t really care if he doesn’t want to be my friend or say hi to me but my friend really does appreciate him and for how I’ve seen them be for the past years I saw a pretty strong bond and I don’t know what is it now that’s different, bc of course over the years it hasn’t been the first time he’s got a gf, he actually used to be pretty much known as a player and everyone thought something would happen between my friend and him, but nothing never did bc they didn’t see each other like that, and now he’s spacing away and my friend is sad, and I just wanna hit him in the head and be like, IDIOT YOU ARE MAKING MY FRIEND BE SAD, but then again we are not friends to be doing that :) and for the crush part, don’t worry I’m very good at not showing that, if it wasn’t bc I admired the contrary a few weeks ago bc what the hell, my friends would have genuinely thought that I have never had a crush on anyone, and we’re talking about the people that know me better than anyone, plus, he’s in a happy relationship now so the crush is probably going to dial down, I’ve gotten used to the other unspoken crushed I’ve had, when they get into a relationship I just lose interest, they are happy, it’s not like I ever thought about trying to get a date or for them to notice me or anything, I always followed my flow and if they talked to me good and if they didn’t it stung but it was whatever it wasn’t like I approached them either, same thing here

[ventaccbrekker]

LAST day before winter vacation the friends of my friend who played with us didn’t go and it was definitely the most fun I’ve seen everyone and I’ve had in a while, definitely feel like shit about it though

[ventaccbrekker]

I really felt it when Conan Gray said:

“Ride or die, I’d rather die

Than tell you I’m in love with you”

In love it’s too much but basically replace that with “than tell you that I really like you” but it sounds better with the I’m in love with you so we’ll leave it at that

[ventaccbrekker]

On the next update: on Friday I was fucking exhausted and I was panting badly and I could tell because in pe we were playing a game 4 on 4 between me and my friends and one of my friends that was on my side started getting more pissed off as the game went on, and even the one time she threw the ball perfectly at me she screamed for someone else to take it and that person who really doesn’t know the rules of the game followed bc you can literally anything about the game and he will believe it to be true, so I just kind of laughed it off but genuinely realized she thought we were losing because of me (I say losing very lightly because the other side wasn’t any better) and my crush and his friends got to the gym (we are on different classes but I found it natural because they always take off on class to go play) and my crush went on my side and clapped hands and went like here we go, and said to me like “hey — , —- “ and just went like 😁👍👍 and I was like “yeah, not really” and went like 😬 so yeah, but thankfully I didn’t need to be made aware of more of my suckness that day, because we were told we could do larger teams, and I was in the back, to be clear, no one really went for the back, but it was my time to hit the ball peacefully and thankfully since that’s what I’m best at, I didn’t screw up, so it wasn’t a complete embarrassment, and I’m happy about that, but yeah, afterwards no talking, not even a good bye, but yeah, you know, the whole not getting completely humiliated in front of him was nice

Hi, this will turn to a vent acc so let’s start:

I “share” friend groups with my crush, that’s how he got to be my crush in the first place bc before that I wouldn’t even look at him twice, but basically we just round up with the same group of people but don’t actually like would hang out alone or even follow each other on social media, truthfully we wouldn’t even acknowledge each other when there aren’t any other people of that friend group or even in that friend group, so yeah, no close at all, but there are a few stories that get me confused, like the next one:

Today I posted some stories with my friends on my ig and as I said we don’t follow each other, and I was seeing who saw my stories bc there’s a group of ppl in my class that follows me and I don’t get a good vibe from them and have caught them more than once talking about me/my friends, and as I scrolled through the ppl who saw it, I saw a familiar name, and there it was, it was my crush, who was seeing my stories, and I thought it was weird since he just doesn’t talk to me like at all, even when I’ve tried to talk to him or offer him something, is just, nothing, and I thought, oh maybe it’s because I tagged my friend in the story, and I just checked the others and he had seen all the other stories too, but he just did that, went, saw my stories, and didn’t even follow me, or anything, and maybe it’s nothing, but I thought it was kind of weird, there are some other stories but I think I will reply to this with them a and plus this is my venting space so, :)

[ventaccbrekker]

Agggggghh I feel awful for thinking this but here it is:

I kind of stoped enjoying doing the activity I do with my friends on recess since my friend’s friends joined, because before that we were goofing around having fun, screaming, and doing whatever shit as long as it kept the game going, now from those there are about 5 people left and one of them is my friend who does this like seriously and then that friend’s friends joined, at first it was fun because they goofed around too, then the others that played with us (apart from those 5) started leaving, and they started getting more serious with it and now the other four of us who don’t really do that activity as an actual like really serious go to training sort of deal but still are partially good at it and really enjoy it kind of barely are included when we are in it, at first I didn’t mind because I love watching people do what they love but the last two fridays when we (the other 4 plus some friend that wanted me to teach her how to play) started playing around only us because the others were training and now I realize how much I miss those times and now I feel bad for wanting to play separately from them, because I love watching them and all, I’ve stayed overtime to watch them, been the only person cheering them on because I genuinely enjoy this game and I enjoy playing it (I would train but I have too many things going on and I don’t have any time at all left sadly) and they are really good, I mean it, I’m mesmerized half the time about how well they play, honestly that might be how my crush became my crush if I’m being honest with myself, and they are mostly good people, I personally haven’t had any problems with them, on the contrary in fact, apart from my crushes weird behaviour I’ve been greeted by them, but I just kind of want to actually play, specially since I can’t do it outside of those recess, and I kind of feel like at least one of the others want to do it too, they kind of have their sponsor of the time, at first it was me, they joined me in the games truly, gave me advice that I followed, and improved because of it, went all in with me because they saw that they might could, then they chose my other friend and they began to do the same to him, because he’s got fast reflexes and all, and the others and me were left to the side and I noticed they just stood there, not really prepared to get the ball, because they knew that the others would go, even if it was in front of them, so I realized that happening too and began to do the same, so when the ball came to me, even if it was a fluke (it most likely was) I wasn’t ready and it either bounced off of me or I used my reflexes to get it, most likely the second one, I have honestly somewhat good reflexes, but that is it, now they are starting to choose another one of my friends that has just started playing and he is being chosen now, the other one that was chosen before has started being left to the background but for some shitty life reasons he might start to train for this game so he won’t be put in the background and I’m happy for that because he is good, he is really good and for what he’s been through he deserves to enjoy himself, but I can see the others being a little bit less excited to play now, one of them has started to stop coming from time to time, I’m always there, always, sometimes I have my bad days (mostly due to exhaustion because of my busy schedule that sometimes becomes overly busy) but I’m always there, sometimes I’m extra cheery and go out of my way to keep the game going and people can tell but I’m starting to feel less like playing lately even if it’s all I wanna do, I wanna play in recess, during class, after leaving school, in my house, on the night, always, but I just don’t feel like I’m good enough to play with them or that they at least don’t seem to think so

we have 2 different anniversaries through the year, the first one has already passed and this was a competition and I entered, but u wasn’t put in because it was 3 girls and 3 boys, my friends were already 2 and I was the third but we needed to include people from 4 different grades, and my friends were utterly necessary, so I was there if anybody needed a change, nobody did and I just stood there like an idiot watching the entire game from the side (the only one actually, the other teams didn’t have any subs) even one of my friend’s friends went out of his way to ask if I would be put in in the game at all or if I had played and I told him no, and that I probably wouldn’t he asked why and I told him why, he looked confused but didn’t say anything other than hmm, and I was right, I wasn’t put in, and I realized that for the second anniversary that will be in September, I would just waste my time and some space on my backpack if I said I would play, so I told one of my friends (not the one that is my connection to the her other friends) on a day I was off my game that I would not be entering the competition (it was the other one that does train, and usually she’s the nicer one that wants to include everyone even if they suck, but I thought it would be easier to convince her that I shouldn’t put my name in the competition even just in case, I was right but not in a way that I would have liked to be) and she said “yeah, it’s better that way” and it honestly felt like a kick in the gut, like fuck it I am trying and I’m sorry I can’t stay and train like you guys but shit I fucking love this game and I’m trying, now I feel like I maybe should have approached my other friend because although maybe she wouldn’t understand my reasoning for not entering and would beg me for the months to not do so to enter anyways and tell me, there’s still time to change my mind, at least I wouldn’t feel like I’m incompetent and I’m just taking up space while the others play, specially I know that because there have been countless times my friend could have just gone to play the game without me but instead dragged me to go with her or just waited outside for me before going to play even if I told her that she could go and that I wouldn’t feel bad, she’s probably the reason I started playing again, and she is honestly the only one that doesn’t seem to be pissed at me in my off days, instead she just laughs with me and says “someone needs her coffee” we laugh and agree that I’m exhausted and move on, I know she wouldn’t have made me feel like that and weirdly I know that that guy that asked me if I would play in that anniversary wouldn’t make me feel that bad, neither his best friend, and honestly that makes me feel betrayed by that one friend, I genuinely value honesty above all, but that just made me feel like crap and it’s not their fault because I have all these feelings bottles up and it’s not her fault but I just feel really bad about what happened and the whole playing with the guys that are serious deal, but I can’t distance myself from them and the game because 1 I don’t want to stop playing and I know that if I don’t play with them I’ll stop playing altogether, and 2 I just, don’t want to, like I’ve said ther are great people and I really just don’t want some feelings that are probably just intrusive thoughts to win, not when I have accomplished so much mentally in the past year and a half

[ventaccbrekker]

Update: he, in fact, did not really talk to me, like yes, he was there and he called out my name and laughed with me (because when we were playing I kind of made his best friend break his platform which is rare because he is good and he said something like “oh oh oh, so we’re playing like that? Ok then — watch it” he in fact did not interact with me in the game after that, not even a pass towards me, nothing, but hey, at least this time he spoke, to be honest I feel like his friends are warming up to me more than him, I outright believe with him it’s happening backwards, we actually started off good, now not even a hello

Hi, this will turn to a vent acc so let’s start:

I “share” friend groups with my crush, that’s how he got to be my crush in the first place bc before that I wouldn’t even look at him twice, but basically we just round up with the same group of people but don’t actually like would hang out alone or even follow each other on social media, truthfully we wouldn’t even acknowledge each other when there aren’t any other people of that friend group or even in that friend group, so yeah, no close at all, but there are a few stories that get me confused, like the next one:

Today I posted some stories with my friends on my ig and as I said we don’t follow each other, and I was seeing who saw my stories bc there’s a group of ppl in my class that follows me and I don’t get a good vibe from them and have caught them more than once talking about me/my friends, and as I scrolled through the ppl who saw it, I saw a familiar name, and there it was, it was my crush, who was seeing my stories, and I thought it was weird since he just doesn’t talk to me like at all, even when I’ve tried to talk to him or offer him something, is just, nothing, and I thought, oh maybe it’s because I tagged my friend in the story, and I just checked the others and he had seen all the other stories too, but he just did that, went, saw my stories, and didn’t even follow me, or anything, and maybe it’s nothing, but I thought it was kind of weird, there are some other stories but I think I will reply to this with them a and plus this is my venting space so, :)

[ventaccbrekker]

Today was normal but not at the same time like, his best friend literally was like, HEY DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING TO SAY TO HER, LIKE BRO PLEASE TALK ALREADY, and he just looked at him and nodded, the best friend after that just kept talking to us and kind of gave up on him, and then we went down with my friends and he had stayed in the middle of the freaking stairs I’m and I usually go down in the middle but alone, behind my friends and I didn’t realize until I brushed my arm with his back bc I’m good at dodging, but that was last minute and I was like, pls let that person not think it was in purpose and I went down the stairs quickly leaving my friends behind and having to wait for them (usually why I start behind them) and when I turned back I realize it was him and I was SO EMABARASSED if it wasn’t for my good reflexes I would have full on pushed him down the stairs and the best case scenario of the worst case scenario is him thinking I did it on purpose :) but hey from tomorrow and on, we will keep doing the activity we did as a friend group all together the other before so, maybe he will have to talk to him

Hi, this will turn to a vent acc so let’s start:

I “share” friend groups with my crush, that’s how he got to be my crush in the first place bc before that I wouldn’t even look at him twice, but basically we just round up with the same group of people but don’t actually like would hang out alone or even follow each other on social media, truthfully we wouldn’t even acknowledge each other when there aren’t any other people of that friend group or even in that friend group, so yeah, no close at all, but there are a few stories that get me confused, like the next one:

Today I posted some stories with my friends on my ig and as I said we don’t follow each other, and I was seeing who saw my stories bc there’s a group of ppl in my class that follows me and I don’t get a good vibe from them and have caught them more than once talking about me/my friends, and as I scrolled through the ppl who saw it, I saw a familiar name, and there it was, it was my crush, who was seeing my stories, and I thought it was weird since he just doesn’t talk to me like at all, even when I’ve tried to talk to him or offer him something, is just, nothing, and I thought, oh maybe it’s because I tagged my friend in the story, and I just checked the others and he had seen all the other stories too, but he just did that, went, saw my stories, and didn’t even follow me, or anything, and maybe it’s nothing, but I thought it was kind of weird, there are some other stories but I think I will reply to this with them a and plus this is my venting space so, :)

[ventaccbrekker]

Last weird point, he used to talk to me in retrospect of something, now when that something is done by our entire friend group he won’t even stand in my near proximity and if he does bc of random standing positions, he would turn his back on me and play with the others, granted, I’m not nearly as good as any of them, especially one of my best friends and him himself, but, I can hold my own, so that more than finding it weird, kind of pisses me off, specially when he had been the one asking me before if I would stay to practice with them, so yeah, I might have said no, but I’m full of shit to do, and he doesn’t know that, bc he doesn’t even care enough to ask, so why should I get the silent treatment (?) if it’s even that or he just decided that I’m not worth even a hello, so more than anything, im pissed off

Hi, this will turn to a vent acc so let’s start:

I “share” friend groups with my crush, that’s how he got to be my crush in the first place bc before that I wouldn’t even look at him twice, but basically we just round up with the same group of people but don’t actually like would hang out alone or even follow each other on social media, truthfully we wouldn’t even acknowledge each other when there aren’t any other people of that friend group or even in that friend group, so yeah, no close at all, but there are a few stories that get me confused, like the next one:

Today I posted some stories with my friends on my ig and as I said we don’t follow each other, and I was seeing who saw my stories bc there’s a group of ppl in my class that follows me and I don’t get a good vibe from them and have caught them more than once talking about me/my friends, and as I scrolled through the ppl who saw it, I saw a familiar name, and there it was, it was my crush, who was seeing my stories, and I thought it was weird since he just doesn’t talk to me like at all, even when I’ve tried to talk to him or offer him something, is just, nothing, and I thought, oh maybe it’s because I tagged my friend in the story, and I just checked the others and he had seen all the other stories too, but he just did that, went, saw my stories, and didn’t even follow me, or anything, and maybe it’s nothing, but I thought it was kind of weird, there are some other stories but I think I will reply to this with them a and plus this is my venting space so, :)

[ventaccbrekker]

Other stories:

The thing is, he stopped having ANY interaction with me out of nowhere, he used to at least say hi to me, now it’s nothing, but one day I was confused because he was completely and utterly overly chatty with me, I thought he just had a good day and was happy, but idk, I’ve seen better days for him than that and he wouldn’t talk much those days either, but basically that day, I had a presentation and I had to go to my classroom to pick up my stuff, he happened to be in the room, he didn’t acknowledge me when I went in, which Is not even important bc I didn’t expect him to, but on my way out I thanked the teacher and as I was leaving he basically screamed at me from over the whole class so I would hear if I had done some school thing of a class we had together, I said that I did, but my confidence WAS LOOOOW, and we just kinda nodded at each other and I left, when I was preparing for my presentation I was on the ground floor and as I looked to the second floor he was there standing, I looked at him bc it was weird, he was in the middle of class, but just outside, and he saw me and he enthusiastically waved at me from the second floor and I waved back, my presentation started a lot later and by then he was gone, but then on the class we had together he went to talk to me AGAIN and I responded as I usually would, then it was nothing, all over again, but from then and so on it has been like completely nothing, so yeah that’s weird

Hi, this will turn to a vent acc so let’s start:

I “share” friend groups with my crush, that’s how he got to be my crush in the first place bc before that I wouldn’t even look at him twice, but basically we just round up with the same group of people but don’t actually like would hang out alone or even follow each other on social media, truthfully we wouldn’t even acknowledge each other when there aren’t any other people of that friend group or even in that friend group, so yeah, no close at all, but there are a few stories that get me confused, like the next one:

Today I posted some stories with my friends on my ig and as I said we don’t follow each other, and I was seeing who saw my stories bc there’s a group of ppl in my class that follows me and I don’t get a good vibe from them and have caught them more than once talking about me/my friends, and as I scrolled through the ppl who saw it, I saw a familiar name, and there it was, it was my crush, who was seeing my stories, and I thought it was weird since he just doesn’t talk to me like at all, even when I’ve tried to talk to him or offer him something, is just, nothing, and I thought, oh maybe it’s because I tagged my friend in the story, and I just checked the others and he had seen all the other stories too, but he just did that, went, saw my stories, and didn’t even follow me, or anything, and maybe it’s nothing, but I thought it was kind of weird, there are some other stories but I think I will reply to this with them a and plus this is my venting space so, :)

[ventaccbrekker]

Hi, this will turn to a vent acc so let’s start:

I “share” friend groups with my crush, that’s how he got to be my crush in the first place bc before that I wouldn’t even look at him twice, but basically we just round up with the same group of people but don’t actually like would hang out alone or even follow each other on social media, truthfully we wouldn’t even acknowledge each other when there aren’t any other people of that friend group or even in that friend group, so yeah, no close at all, but there are a few stories that get me confused, like the next one:

Today I posted some stories with my friends on my ig and as I said we don’t follow each other, and I was seeing who saw my stories bc there’s a group of ppl in my class that follows me and I don’t get a good vibe from them and have caught them more than once talking about me/my friends, and as I scrolled through the ppl who saw it, I saw a familiar name, and there it was, it was my crush, who was seeing my stories, and I thought it was weird since he just doesn’t talk to me like at all, even when I’ve tried to talk to him or offer him something, is just, nothing, and I thought, oh maybe it’s because I tagged my friend in the story, and I just checked the others and he had seen all the other stories too, but he just did that, went, saw my stories, and didn’t even follow me, or anything, and maybe it’s nothing, but I thought it was kind of weird, there are some other stories but I think I will reply to this with them a and plus this is my venting space so, :)

[ventaccbrekker]

Fan: Neil i would take a bullet for you!

Neil having a sudden flashback to his runaway years: You would be mad useful to me about 7 years ago.

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It’s the fact that I was opening up to my aunt and felt guilty for talking about myself but good to get it out, specially with someone who probably had seen a lot since she’s a professor, but her first response to the absolute superficial shit that I told her (which I have to note is enough to fill 2 years of therapy and all of the themes are STILL unresolved like not even a tiny part of the puzzle is resolved) and her first response was:

-Do you consider yourself a happy person?

Me, knowing where this is headed, already lying: yes, a lot of people would say so

-Do you not have something? Are you missing something in your life?

Me, who has stated with her that simply wants to move away from my house and literally go to another country away and just stated that her mom doesn’t even want to SEE that her daughter has anger issues, least of all other bigger things: no, I don’t think so

-Then I don’t know where this is coming from, you are very privileged, you have to know that there are kids out there that have been through things that you can’t even imagine, I know it because I’m a teacher

Me, already sick of the ‘somebody always has it worse than you’ speech: I know :)

So yeah, never doing that shit again

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It had been a long time since I cried myself to sleep

[ventaccbrekker]

8-

Practice

Neil: *sneezes really loudly but covers his nose and mouth fully with hands*

Matt: you ok?

Neil: I just sneezed the life expectancy out of me

Matt: do you need to lay down? Or like rest? Are you coming with a cold?

Neil: I’m fine It was just dust

Matt: you should probably rest, he should probably rest, right Dan?

Dan: I mean…

Neil: no, I’m fine, I’m staying

Matt: but…

Andrew: do you really expect to win this?

Matt: maybe if I get Wymack

Allison: my bet is still on Neil staying on practice

Matt: you guys are no help either like that

Andrew: you guys do realize that Kevin and Neil are already taking shots at each other right?

Matt, Dan and Allison turn around

Allison: expected, should have actually betted

Dan: not surprised

Matt: why do I even try with him?

I present to you, shit my friends and I have said as aftg characters conversations: (I’ll be adding things overtime probably, maybe)

Random person: hi, can we borrow Neil for a presentation we have to do?

Nicky: like hell you need him, WE need him, this is a very important competition

Random: but we gotta practice, the presentation is tomorrow

Dan: guys I really think we should let Neil go, I mean, this sounds important

Kevin: cut the bullshit Dan, you know you just wanna win

Dan *totally faking goodness of heart intentions*: I’m just saying, is a grade, and it’s important

Nicky: CUT IT DAN, NEIL DOESN’T NEED TO REHEARSE HE’S TOO GOOD, HE’L CRUSH IT

Neil and Andrew: *burst out laughing*

Random person: I guess I’ll come back later

#yes i am again neil #this did happen #aftg shitpost #aftg matt #aftg #neil josten #matt boyd #aftg andrew #andrew minyard

[ventaccbrekker]

I’ve just read the first Adam Parrish chapter on The raven boys and I literally had to put a tab that said “fruity/fruit basket” so if this man ain’t fruity I might have to sue