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Listen I'm not restricting anymore, but I ordered these protein blueberry pancakes at work, and my coworker stole mine and switched them for regular blueberry pancakes, and let me tell you, ya Boi is Upset. Im extra spicy because my extremely autistic wife who will freak out about slight texture swaps is not even a little sympathetic.

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Ending today at 1991. Not amazing, but given that we're having pasta AND dessert, it could be way worse

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Probably posting cal amounts daily. Might break things down by meals, might not. I live with my polycule, so high restricting.

Yesterday, I ended the day at 1561. Myfitnesspal lists my goal as 1762, and I'm starting with that as my limit. Really, I'm just trying to have a cutoff amount again. Or at least get some of my self-control back because I've been floundering, and I'm back to my highest weight.

Going back to all this, and I don't even know what I want. Pathetic.

#male ed #4n4

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Yo...I'm back

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Me: *debating spending roughly $20-30 on a cupholder for my bike and a good reusable cup I can decorate for myself and use*

Me: is this a spueful action because my partners spend so much on larp and other things? Am I worthy of useful items that will help me and also mean that I contribute less to landfills? Is this toxicity? Am I the problem?

#tw money

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Nights like tonight make me want to go somewhere else entirely and make new friends and meet new people and just live my own life doing what I want to do. Of course I'm never going to do that because the shackles of love keep me tied securely down in place with my own friends and my wife and our boyfriend. Maybe not even my own friends. I don't think I have any of those anymore. I used to have facets I could express with different people, but now I'm stuck as the nice one and it is Smothering.

This is also all so stupid because it started when my boyfriend got a new alter that happens to be from the same source material as the other 2 systems in our friend group, and it's just another thing that I cannot connect to anyone on. I am the youngest (by a lot). I am the only singlet (so far as is known). I don't LARP anymore, and doing so with my friends is out of the question because they are all terrible at it and i don't think I'll be able to keep myself in check and not make fun of them in an actually mean way. I don't belong here, but I belong here more than I belong anywhere else because I'm autistic and I'm trans and I disassociate frequently and I probably have BPD.

I don't belong anywhere, but it would hurt too many people if I were to pass.

On the bright(?) side, my wife and the friend who went on a grocery run together to bring snacks back for everyone did not bring back any of the things I asked for and took so long getting back that I both don't get to/ have to watch the show we were going to watch tonight and I get to skip dinner, which leaves me well under 1000 kcal for the day so I guess you win some you lose some. Except I'll probably just end up binging or something tomorrow because I cannot rely on Ana as a solace anymore, no matter how much I might crave it.

#ed mention #vent #general trigger warning

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"Don't worry about it"

OK I won't

What are you gonna do? Sulk?

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OK friend the bad news is I've gone almost back up to my starting weight from 12 years ago in the last year, but the good news is I look better anyways and my dysphoria isn't as bad (dysmorphia aside). I've also been recovering and relapsing with my ES since starting T 2 years ago so that has affected my weight as well, but you are going to gain muscle, which will make you appear slimmer, but weigh in heavier on a scale. Please be careful not to fast for too long before taking your shot for at least until you know how your body reacts.

people on t i have no many questions

did ur appetite really increase a lot & was it easy to ignore still? how much did u gain?

might start within a year im excited but fucking terrified due to tbis ed

#ed warning

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That daily debate between making toast/ breakfast to have a decent amount of energy for the day and just having caffeine and music for breakfast

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Probably going to start logging publicly again. Ideally I think I want to be back down to 150 by my birthday, which is doable without heavy restricting I think.

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Inadequate

I think the reason I keep coming back to my ED is that that my ED has convinced me that being overweight is the reason for my inadequacy. "Oh my friends don't want me because I'm fat, my lover won't touch me because I'm ugly. Oh no, appearances, appearances."

In order to recover I would need to accept that my body isn't what's inadequate, I am.

I dont want to accept being boring, stubborn, selfish, vain; any of the things I surely am that prevent me from connecting.

Despite all my efforts to afford being "too much," the simple fact remains that I will never be enough.

#ftm ana #male ana #male ed #ed vent #vent #tw ed related #tw ed thoughts

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My current mood is that my body is already so repulsive that my wife won't touch me so I might as well gain 50 lbs because then at least my cats will cuddle me

#ftm ana #male ana #male ed #self h@rm #self deprecation

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Starting to think there is something Physically wrong with me, and that I'm not just mentally ill. Have I really just been like "wow I feel like shit all the time, must just be depressed"

That's not how that works

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I hate that i keep coming back here. I'm sorry to my friends who love me and want me to be happy.

This is the only thing I know is truly mine. The only part of me that doesn't make me sick. I want to get skinny so I can feel like myself because living like a normal person makes me feel like the ugly little girl I swore I would never be again.

#ftm ana #male ana #male ed #ana

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Was super considering breaking early, but a coworker mentioned how many calories were in the thing I wanted, so I'm just gonna not do that and await my soup.

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Doing a water fast until I get off work (almost 24 hours, a couple hours more than, if you ignore the shot of fireball last night lol. Then I can get a hot soy latte, and have soup when I get home. Maybe some bread since I made it from scratch. 1 week until Halloween, can't be a total goblin. I have lost nothing and kflbckhczkfvjjvgjgzj

No self control. Hopefully getting back on my meds will help. At the very least I'll stop binge eating

#ftm ana #male ana #male ed

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*ends 1st therapy appt*

Therapist: hey try to do self care today we just went over a lot of heavy questions

Me: yah ok *proceeds to watch a Heavy musical and make myself cry*