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thisusernameiswack · 2 years

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Why do you love me?

❖ A/N: I lied this will be my last fic for a while

❖ Warnings: idk if this makes any sense I was just writing anything tbh. Not much description so I guess this is like a Drabble? Idk. I didn’t really proof read either sooo

❖ Context: imagine you’re in a living room. I’m too lazy to describe the setting and other shit.

“Shiggy?”

“Yes baby.”

“What drew you to me? Like what told you that I was the ‘one’ for you?”

He paused for a second. Mauling over the thought. Honestly he could say a million things. But he’ll just settle for one.

“The way you interact with other’s” he stopped for a brief moment collecting his thought for the next sentence. “It’s the way you treat others with a sense of kindness. You’re strangely aware and make sure you think before you speak. When I see you talk to strangers it’s not with a sense of distance or indifference but instead with understanding. Almost like you know everything about them. What makes them tick or emotional. You make sure they’re comfortable even though you don’t have to. You act like someone’s old friend and you’re playing catch up. You’re just innately kind to others and it makes me feel good.”

You looked at him with curiosity. “Why?”

“Because you give anyone a chance. A chance to be themselves. You show people basic human decency and that stuff’s rare nowadays.” He chuckles a bit in disbelief. “But that just makes me feel all the more special. Because that kindness you distribute to others is not the same as the kindness you inflict upon me. It feels different. Feels —good…”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean I’m glad you chose me. When you talk to me it’s different. Not entirely different from how you you treat others. It’s a distinct difference but I notice it. You chose to show me that same kindness without even knowing me and it baffled me. As a slowly got to know you I thought it was because you just saw me as the others. Just a friend. But no, you love everyone. It made me annoyed at first. Thinking I’ll have to share you with the world. But then I thought, ‘wow, to love someone so positive actually feels good’, the way you spread your love to others is outstanding. You never make someone feel bad because you’re having a bad day. You’re just that much of a fucking good person. I appreciate the fact that you chose to be kind to everyone including me. You actually believe people deserves second chances. I’m just glad you gave me a chance.”

You were bawling your eyes out. You didn’t realize how attentive he was to your interactions outside of your relationship. “Aww, Tomu come here.” You start to crawl over to him on your knees, rubbing against the soft carpet, arms outstretched with hands constantly grasping for human touch. He immediately divulges in your neediness and gives you a big hug. Rocking you back and forth in a tight squeeze.

“I love you so much.”

“I love you too Angel.”

#reader insert #y/n #shigaraki x reader #shigaraki x y/n #bnha tomura #shigaraki drabble #this is more for me than anyone else

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thisusernameiswack · 2 years

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Send me requesttt🗣

#please I need inspo #I’m basically begging y’all atp🥲

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thisusernameiswack · 2 years

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We’ll be ok

❖ A/N: alright this’ll probably be my last post for a while. Usually I post once a week, but I keep making new oneshots. These were made in one day too. I suppose you could say I had Shiggy brain rot. Hope you enjoy <3

❖ Warnings: depressing topics, abandonment, insecurities, self doubt, vomiting, ptsd?, codependency, lmk is there’s more

As you awoke from your sleep, you heard sniffles behind your shoulder. “Shig?” You tried to turn around to face him. Caress him, comfort him but his strong arms disallowed you. Keeping you in place, your back tightly held against his chest. His heart was beating fast too fast.

Oh no. Not again.

It must’ve been another one of those night frights. The nightmares which contained his most traumatic experiences. Sometimes, if you were lucky he would indulge in telling you the things that he saw in those dreams. Other times he just shut you out. It was easier that way. The nightmares were rare occurrences. But they seemed to get worse by the months. At first he tried to shake it off. It wasn’t until the dreams got more and more disturbing. One time he actually felt sick to his stomach and puked in the tin can next you guys’ bed. You made sure to rub his back, and ran a bath for him to feel somewhat better.

You stayed by his side when he needed you, he appreciated it even if he didn’t say so all the time. But at times he didn’t even have to. A simple look told you how he felt and that would be enough. Tonight however he thanked you differently. He held you close, smothering your neck in light kisses and saying quick thank you’s.

It hurt his pride sometimes. Just seeing how weak and pathetic he was after a nightmare. It didn’t matter to you though. Your feelings for him haven’t changed in the slightest. You told him it was ‘natural’ there was no need to feel ‘ashamed’. You understood and were grateful he showed you so much vulnerability in the first place. You knew how hard it was getting him to open up in the beginning. You guys came a long way, so you appreciated the transparency. The way he was needy at times and even the way he was whiny sometimes.

“Do you love me?”

Of course, I’ll never stop loving you. “I love you Shig.”

“Tell me you’ll never leave me.”

I could- no, would never. “I’ll never leave you.”

“And you’ll never get tired of me right?”

“Shig that’s impossible you get on my nerves quite often.” He laughed but the sound was empty it was broken, tired, and half hearted. It was an attempt to cheer him up. It didn’t quite work so you settled your hand right where his arm was holding you by your stomach. You squeezed it once, twice. “I’ll always stay by your side no matter what.”

He was silent for a moment. You thought it was because he was registering the words but no.

“You don’t think I’m a monster?”

Now you were silent. Out of all the things you didn’t expect him to ask that. I mean…you felt like he thought he wasn’t enough at times…but a monster? Objectively he wasn’t one. Some of the things he did definitely would define him as one. Especially with his quirk. People already deemed him a danger to society, a bomb needing to be eradicated. He was just a child back then though. A kid that was feared, neglected and abandoned..all alone left to grow up and become something feared 10x more and hated just as much. Sometimes you wondered if you didn’t know Shiggy would you even like him at all. Would you judge him like the rest? Or would you lend that hand that he so desperately needed in those dire times.

You felt his grip loosen on you when he didn’t receive your answer but you grabbed his arms and held them close. You’re not going anywhere. “I don’t think of you as a monster. Just troubled and misunderstood.” It wasn’t the answer he was expecting, then again he was glad you didn’t see him like that in the first place; evil, unkind, a cold blooded killer, a crazy lunatic..the list could go on.

“Is that a good enough answer for you?” You asked simply because he doubted your words at times. Thought you were just saying that to ‘make him feel better’. Some days it was worse than others. Where he would ask deeper questions or would leave one day and come back the next. All because he didn’t feel loved enough. But you tried. Expressed your love and care for him as much as you could. Used different tactics, love languages and even other obscure methods. Now don’t get me wrong it’s not always like this. But when the time appears you know what to do. Others would leave, say it’s too much and not worth the hassle. Once upon a time you would think like that. As the months passed by you actually didn’t find it quite bad. It didn’t stress you out and it didn’t put any emotional strain on you so you assumed you were fine.

He finally answered back. “You’re too good for me.”

You turned around in his embrace and attempted to stare at those vermillion eyes in the dark. “I’m just in love Tomu. I want the best for you.”

He cried some more and squeezed you into a tight hug. “I’ll be better I promise.”

You hesitantly patted his back. “I know you will. You’re getting better everyday baby.”

He kissed your cheek and held you close till the tears ran out and he drifted off to sleep. Just like that night you rubbed his back to soothe all the pain, the hurt, the neglect. He was capable of love and being loved. He just had a hard time accepting it. It was a hard adjustment. But it’s fine, he’ll be ok. We’ll be ok.

Quick lil reminder. You aren’t obligated to be your lover’s therapist. You could help them get better but do not stress yourself out to better their mental health. Their troubles can release a heavy burden on you. Remember it is not your job to fix them. Bc next thing you’ll know you’ll be putting your every focus on them. You are a person too with your own troubles. Make sure you care ab yourself just as much as you care ab that person. You guys are both important. Remember that please. Be safe and love healthily💕

#reader insert #shigaraki x reader #shigaraki x y/n #y/n

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thisusernameiswack · 2 years

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You’re such a tease

Shigaraki x cisfem reader

❖ A/N: I thought ab this at the mall lol. Saw a cute skirt and thought Shiggy would like it on me.

❖ Warnings: 18+, nsfw, bit of a height kink ig, soft, fluff, bit of degrading, implied sex, implied teasing, established relationship, I keep edging y’all. I’m not sorry tbh😭

❖ Word count: idk, idc I just keep writing

“Doll.” His voice rang out through the seemingly empty home. He proceeded to walk to you guys' shared room. He sucks his teeth, it’s seems like he’s walking with no sense of direction. His feet walked along the hardwood floor. Each step was filled with tenseness. Where were you? The light from the bathroom lit up the dark hallway. Oh, she might be in there.

As he heads to the bathroom, you’re bent over and shimmying into that new skirt you impulsively bought. It was sooo cute. You just had to have it. Once the skirt was on you looked into the mirror. You began to palm the fabric. Impressed by how it accentuated each and every last curve on your bottom half. A content smile spread across your lips. You were so giddy and excited. You wanted to share your ‘new buy high’ with someone. The only person that came to your mind was none other than your love. Shigaraki.

It seemed like you summoned him because the moment you looked up to your left you almost jumped out of your skin. There he was leaning against the doorway with an adorning smirk, his arms crossed and his fluffy hair brushing his eyelashes. I need to trim it again. His height over towered you but it didn’t make you feel less then or threatened. Strangely enough his height brought you warmth and protection from any potential danger out in the world. You caught the lust filled glint in his eyes.

He definitely liked the skirt. You thought.

“When did you get home?” You finally asked.

“Not too long ago. I was here for quite some time.”

You eyed him with curiosity. An eyebrow quirked up and the other furrowed. You crossed your arms. “So you were watching me?”

“Yup, I quite enjoyed the show you put on for me.” He said in a sarcastic tone.

You rolled your eyes and sucked your teeth. “Oh pleaseee I didn’t even notice you were there. You’re so sneaky sometimes.”

“Sneaky? I’m not the one who took off with my card to buy another item for her closet.” It was supposed to come off in a joking manner but you took offense to that. “Well in my defense you told me I could buy anything, anytime, anywhere. Don’t you remember? The first time you bought me something you told me ‘You can have anything you want, I would never deny you. You deserve to be spoiled my love’. Till’ this day I’ll never forget.”

He looked at you in fake thought. “Hm you’re right I did say that…I just didn’t expect this.”

Your playful smile dropped. “What? You don’t like it?” Those words made your heart drop. Instantly you felt self conscious about what you were wearing. Only for a second though because just as quickly as you misunderstood he reassured you.

He walked up to you and softly squeezed your shoulders. His thumbs began to move back in forth in attempt to soothe your insecurities away. You looked up at him expectantly. “No I didn’t say that. I’m just surprised. It fits you so well angel. You don’t buy stuff like this often so it caught me off guard. You look gorgeous.” Your eyes gleamed, smile wide and big. His words sounded so sweet. They dripped off his tongue like honey. It made your heart beat uncontrollably faster and your pussy thump in anticipation. He was so kind at times it would catch you off guard sometimes. It was such a turn on.

You got on your tiptoes to kiss the tip of his nose. Hands placed against his chest for some sense of stability. “Thank you sweetness.” He blinked a few times, trying to register your new nickname for him. “Sweetness?”

You let out a laugh. “Yes, you’re so sweet. I love it. You’re like a big softie.” He looked down at your thigh and then pinched your cheek. “Oww, what was that for.” You rubbed the spot absently with a bit of a pout.

“Yea well if I’m a ‘softie’ you’re a tease.” Four of his rough fingers rested against your hand that was still rubbing the sore cheek.

Your eyes shined with mischief. “How so?”

“Don’t act dim baby it’s not like you.”

You shook your head slightly, still smiling bright. “Haha, I’m sorry I really don’t understand.”

It happened so quick. One second he was caressing the hand on your cheek. Then in the next you were sitting on the sink counter with him slotted in between your thighs. By then he already made an effort to hike the skirt up your waist. One of his hands were on your hip and the other was collecting the slick that dribbled down your thigh. The fingers ran up to your cunt and he pulled his hand away. He stared at his wet fingers for a second. Marveled by the sight.

“Look at this. You’re so dirty.”

You giggled, excited for what was to come. “I’m still not sure why you called me a tease.”

He licked the slick off his fingers then held you as close as he possibly could so you could feel how much his dick was throbbing against his pants. His hardness rubbed you right in the center of your wet cunt. A relieved moan left your lips.

He spoke against your ear in a gruff tone. “I guess I’ll just have to show you an example then huh?”

He left your ear to look you directly in your eyes. You smiled feeling triumphant. You were so glad you took your panties off earlier. “I guess you do.”

To be continued?~

#reader insert #shigaraki x y/n #y/n #shigaraki x reader #bhna smut #shigaraki tomura smut #shigaraki smut #honestly feel like Nanami could fit this fic better #she ain’t got no panties on #mha smut #shigaraki thirst #shigaraki drabble

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thisusernameiswack · 2 years

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I wanted it to be you

Shigaraki x you

❖ A/N: lol this is a bit of a switch up from my last post but I just can’t help my thought process.

❖ Warnings: a bit nsfw, soft, fluff, implied sex

“I wanted it to be you.”

“It’s ok.” Your forehead pressed gently against his. “It doesn’t matter, we’re together now, that’s all I care about.”

He lets out a shaky breath. “Really? I know it’s silly but I’m sorry. I don’t know why but I feel like I have to apologize.” A dry laugh leaves his cracked lips.

You giggled a little. It was not mocking, it was kind and understanding. Then you placed a chaste kiss to his scar.

“It’s ok, I forgive you.” You didn’t mind it that much. But this was special to him. For us. He wanted his first time to be with you. He made a irrational decision and now his moment that was supposed to be with you was taken, ruined. It’s ok though. It can be replaced with the new moments and memories he’ll make with you. Now that you were in his life everything seemed better.

“Can we take our clothes off now?”

You playfully hit his shoulder and laughed some more. “Yes silly.”

“I love you.” He gives you a quick kiss. You replicate the action. “I love you too.”

#reader insert #shigaraki x y/n #y/n #shigaraki x reader #shigaraki drabble #shigaraki thirst

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thisusernameiswack · 2 years

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It’s over

❖ A/N: idk I’m just sad.

❖ Warnings: heartbreak, hurt no comfort

As I gazed into his eyes all I felt was heartbreak. This was it. Another failed relationship.

“Is it really over?” I struggled to contain the hurt in my voice but to no avail. He simply stared at me with indifference.

“Yea…we’re done.”

All the tears I tried holding in bursted and I cried. Cried and crumbled to the floor without him being there to pick me up. To pick up the broken pieces. He gave me one last pitiful look and shut the door, leaving me alone in this dark, empty, cold room to bask in my new life. The life without him.

#reader insert #y/n #ihateithere #choso x reader #choso x y/n #chrollo x reader #chrollo x y/n #armin x y/n #armin x reader

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thisusernameiswack · 2 years

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Lol I don’t know how any of this works. I use my phone for this…that may be the problem. But anyways, I just turned on my anonymous asks. If you have any questions or any recommendations feel free to send em.

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thisusernameiswack · 2 years

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Sleeping Positions

Shigaraki x cisfem reader

❖ A/N: this is like a horny drabble it won’t make the most sense. It’s like my first time posting and writing smut so give me some suggestions on how to make it better.

❖ Warnings: 18+, nsfw, soft?, somnophilia, I’m not entirely sure if this is considered dubcon but I’ll add that as well, as always lmk if there’s more

❖ Word count: 400+

You sleep in the most lewd positions. You can’t help it if your body finds the most comfort in these very suggestive positions.

So you can't blame Shig when he mindlessly ruts your clothed pussy at night after seeing your body splayed out on the couch. Your back seeped into the cushions, one of your thighs laying against the back of the couch and the other down on the cushion where you usually sit on. Knees bent and feet pressed into another. Your hands firmly pressed underneath your ass.

Your legs are open and ready…almost like you were begging to be touched…You’re wearing nothing but his tshirt and his favorite panties (you bought them just for him on/for a special occasion). He can’t help but get obnoxiously hard at the sight. How vulnerable you look. How scandalous you’re resting. It’s all so incredibly enticing.

You awake from your sleep with a dopey smile. Shifting yourself so that your arms are wrapped around his neck. You look up at him with half mast eyes, almost knowing exactly why he’s acting the way he is now. You mindlessly ask-

“How was work?” you release a breathy moan when he juts against your center with a hard thrust.

He leans down to nibble your earlobe before speaking. “Long and hard.” The vibration from each syllable he huffs into your ear sends shivers all over your body. He nuzzles your neck gently before proceeding to hold himself up and continuing his earlier movements.

A slight hiss leaves your lips when his tip catches your covered bundle of nerves(nub/clit).

“Baby, I want you…let me have you.” he continues to shamelessly rut against your clothed pussy until you give him a clear answer. Well- a answer.

You let out a shaky breath and simply say. “I’m all yours Shig.” after that he’s a mess. Turns into a starved man trying to move your wet panties aside. When he catches a glimpse of the wet patch of both your and his wet juices he almost loses it.

“Baby, you really drive me insane,” as soon as the cold air hits your clit it’s soon replaced by the feeling of something warm and rough. The pad of his calloused thumb is moving against it in a back and forth motion.

“Mmm- can’t take it anymore shig, put it in please-” to this he moves his thumb down to his hardened tip and begins to push into you. Gently, slowly. Almost agonizingly slow.

You plead with him. For him to go-

“Faster baby.” he simply looks into your eyes and is grinning like a happy fool. His darling is underneath him, she looks entirely enraptured by pleasure. It fills him with utmost joy. Only you can make him feel like this. He only likes seeing you like this. He likes that you are his and he is yours. Moments like this really make him feel happy. Almost paralyzes him to disbelief. He’s finally happy. In love. He loves you just as much as you love him-

Ahem, but enough of that sweet shit back to the good shit!

He presses a quick kiss to your forehead. After this it seems like the sweetness dissolves.

“Don’t worry baby,” he replies in a gruff tone. The goofy love ridden smile from earlier is gone. It’s now replaced with an almost serious expression and a sinister grin. “I’m gonna make sure you’re a mess in the morning.”

To be continued?~

#shigaraki x reader #shigaraki x y/n #shigaraki smut #bnha smut #mha smut #is this even considered smut😭#shigaraki tomura smut #y/n #reader insert #shigaraki drabble #shigaraki thirst

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thisusernameiswack · 2 years

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Omg I hate oneshots but that’s all ik how to doooo😭

I’m not committed enough to make a long or short fic yet. Maybe one day…

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thisusernameiswack · 2 years

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What Happened to Us?

Any male character x cisfem black coded reader

❖ A/N: Alright I’m back. So this is another one shot as well. Its kinda from another one shot I made months ago, I’ll post that as well. Might have some spelling errors feel free to point them out. Anyways hope you enjoy this one! (This low key makes no sense I truly do hope y’all like this)

❖ Warnings: 18+, Angst?, hurt no comfort?, ig nsfw, let me know if there’s more

❖ Word count: 700+

❖ A bit of context: after a heated dispute with your longtime, on and off again ex, you guys hook up. But when a simple word is mentioned, old memories come to resurface and the moment is ruined.

As you lay your head against his naked chest you drift away to your thoughts. His hands continue to pat down your dark curly hair. Every once and a while stopping mid pat to capture a curl around his finger. The hair twisted around his thick index finger, spiraling around towards his palm. Then he releases the curl and sees it spring back to the comfort of the rest of your curls. He continues to pat your hair and the cycle repeats.

In a figure eight motion you draw softly against his chest. Then you start making indescribable shapes. A smile tugged on your full lips, dopey love driven eyes fixated on the invisible tattoos you’re placing on his chest. You started to dissociate into your thoughts~

How did I get here? We were just fighting and now we’re cuddling? What the fuck…what were we even arguing about? Sigh…but doesn’t this feel good? Right even? Why haven’t we(done this sooner?)- oh yea…THAT’S WHY. Then how?

Your heart interrupts your inner dialogue. Does it matter? You’re happy aren’t you?

To which your brain replies. Sure but I’m not content. This isn’t what I wanted.

…Are you sure about that? Or are you fooling/deluding yourself again?

…

Your brain has nothing to counter that.

Hmm exactly.

You come up with something else to say. But after all that’s happened- how could we act like things are back to normal? (How could we pretend things are back to normal?*)

Don’t you understand, this relationship was never normal…

The inner monologue stops. Heart and mind seem to come to an understanding. You’re brought back to reality and register the feeling of his heavy arm wrapped around your lower back. Red covers trapped under his forearm, warming your bare body. As your body warms his bare body in return. Boobs firmly pressed against the side of his ribs.

The warmness of your bodies pressed together instills a nice feeling in both of you. It’s relaxing and so comforting. Relieving even, to be in one another’s arms again is something neither of you thought would be so desired. But then again you guys never stayed away from each other too long did you? It was only a matter of time before you succumbed(gravitated) to the magnet that was him. And the same could be said for him. You just couldn’t get away from him. You can’t escape-

You shook your head slightly to rid those awful thoughts away, he pulled his hand back figuring he might’ve done something wrong. You put your hand on his, pulling it to press back onto your head.

“Why’d you stop? Keep going,” you smiled and nuzzled/snuggled your face against him. “It felt good,” you murmured into his chest. The ghost of your lips on his skin tickled him a little and he shivered. The feeling was replaced by warmness filling his heart. That ‘kiss’ had him in near shambles, he is sensitive after all.

Hesitantly he began to replicate his earlier actions.

“I thought I hurt you.”

To this you froze. Ice invaded your veins, he as well halted his movements again. You wanted to say you did hurt me. But you couldn’t find the courage to do so. The unspoken words clearly got him though cause he quickly understood why you responded the way you did. The air was now filled with tension and regret. No longer did sex, adronanment and love linger.

They didn’t regret the act of making love. They regretted speaking and thinking. It made things awkward, made them feel awkward. The sudden shift in their demeanor caused them to think. It was going so well. Until memories came flooding back… But you can’t erase the past can you? That’s the problem with this. With us. They both concluded the same thing. Things were perfect between us. Now they aren’t. You’re both left wondering “What happened to us?” When that thought invaded you guys’ head, you suddenly spoke the question out loud. It made you guys realize the type of situation you were now in and allowed you to dive into the past. Reminiscing on past mistakes, on why this relationship was so screwed in the first place…

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thisusernameiswack · 2 years

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Don’t leave Me

❖ A/N: Heyy so this is gonna be my first time posting ever on here and my first time posting any of my fics. I’m pretty new to making y/n fanfics so go easy on me. I’m open to all critics but keep in mind to not be so harsh, I’m still experimenting and testing new things out. So if the words are a little jumbled or don’t make sense that’s probably why😭. You can point out any errors or just words of advice in my dms. This story is random asf but that’s just what happens when I come up with ideas for stories. Maybe I’ll turn it into a long fic…I’m not sure. Anyways, I hope you enjoy this and lmk what you think!

❖ Word count: 2k+

❖ Warning: 18+, Tragic end, Depressing topics, Mentions of death, dead body, attachment, codependency, like two curse words lol, and lmk if there’s more

Y/N is afab. This is like a fantasy type world thing with kingdoms and magic. Shit like that.

*sometimes the italics is for your(y/n’s) inner thoughts or his(you can insert any male character for him) thoughts*

Ok so here we go~

His right hand is cupping your cheek. Thumb rubbing the apple of your cheek left to right. You bask in his warmth, his closeness. Craving more of his touch. Chasing more of the feeling of him, you nudge your head into his palm. He chuckles a little. Right now you look so cute, like a cat in his hand.

“It’s soft,” you say, voice still breaking. His hands are so soft

For a second you let the moment be still. But you can’t get over what he just revealed to you. He said what you thought would be impossible. A world without him… if there was, what were you? Gone. Dead.

“Don’t leave. Don’t leave me. You-you can’t leave me please. Just stay. Just S-stay please I- I need you.”

“Shhh it’s ok.”

“No no n-,”

“You’ll be fine.”

“But I can’t, I cantt. Please don’t do this to me. I-.” Not alone. I can’t be alone. It’s not possible. It’s impossible. I need you.

“Sit down.”

“Please,” you drag out the e to emphasize how much you need him to listen to you. You understand how bratty you sound at the moment but it can’t be helped, you’re practically begging for your life now.

“Just sit down real quick.”

You’re hesitant, so he gently pushes your shoulder down into the couch, you quickly comply but not without sniffling and hiccuping like a baby that just threw a tantrum. The tears just won’t stop and the snot won’t either. After you’re seated he starts to slot himself between your knees. Sitting on his knees on the soft carpet. Caressing your hands in an effort to calm you down. It’s no use though because you’re still tearing up, the water works keep rolling. You take a hand away from him to wipe your face off. Taking the sleeve of your(his) sweater down your face. When you catch the smell of him on your(his) sweater the tears just come harder. You let out a indescribable whimper and he makes a face.

“Baby, please just listen to me for a moment.”

You shake your head no furiously. I can’t listen to this, I won’t. You’re leaving me to die. Cant you see how much I need you? Have you seen me this vulnerable? Exactly, you’ve never seen me this way. I’m showing you how much I’ll miss you. I’m showing you how much I need you. Don’t leave. I’ll die without you. Truly.

“Just try okay, it’s important,” he raises his hand to caress your cheek again. You move your head away, your face scrunches in a grimace. How could you? How dare you? He’s dejected by the gesture but continues on nonetheless. Places his best smile on ever and continues. “While I’m gone-,” you let out another huff of solemn disapproval. He sighs, “When I’m gone I’ll need you to do something for me. It’s gonna ensure I come back to you. Safe and healthy.” You furrow your brows, lips in a bit of a frown, head lost in your thoughts. To his surprise you let out a dry laugh. Of course you’ll be okay. You’ll be just fine. But me? Hah. I won’t be here I won’t be alive. As soon as you go I go-

Your sole survival depends on this man’s presence without him you’re dead. And no not because of attachment issues. But because you are essentially attached to him. Unbeknownst to him, you guys are magically linked. And once someone leaves for a long extended period the link weakens as does the person connected. Strangely enough it affects the person who fell in love the most. But wasn’t that both of you? No it’s the person that fell the hardest. It hurts to know he doesn’t love you as deep as you thought and the fact that he’s not listening to your pleads-

You’re just not that important.

Your mind states, but you know it’s not like that. He needs to do this. But as much as he needs to complete this mission. You need him to stay, at home, with you. You told me once I was your home. So what happened now. Why would you leave when things finally felt right? Why can’t you take me with you? This wouldn’t happen if-

-stop that it’s not his fault. Right? Hah, nothing’s ever his fault. So who takes the blame? Oh right me…how fucking laughable.

But isn’t it better that way?

You couldn’t stand it being the other way around. A world without him- does that even exist? Oh right it will, because you’ll be gone, and he’ll mourn you. But he’ll move on, that’s just him. He always finds a way to get through. Whether that be with or without you in the picture. When that day comes he’ll find someone new. That’ll love him just as much as you did, if not more. You’re glad that you won’t be there to see it because that day you’ll really perish. A new person will fill his heart. And you’ll be kicked out. Forgotten and only you will know how intense this love was. It sucks. That really is a murder in itself. To be forgotten is truly a fatal fate. It’s hard to come to grips with the fact that he didn’t love you that much. But what can you do? This is how the curse works.

But hey, isn’t it better this way?

At this point you accepted it. Accepted that you weren’t that important in his life. Accepted that he should’ve loved you just as much, if not equally. That was on him for not loving you the way he should’ve. So with this you accepted death, welcomed them with open arms. If death truly wanted you, you’d welcome it, let them have you, bathe in it, laugh with it. Hell you could love death. At least it wanted you back…. You decided that day that you were dead. Death has token you, snatched you from the grasps of your lover. Without him even noticing, and you let it happen because you’d rather death then to see him love another(even though it wasn’t remotely possible, because you would be gone). You’d find comfort in death’s arms, because his love wasn’t comforting enough. Death loved you enough to want you dead with them for eternity. Forever. Your lover didn’t love you enough to stay. How fucked up was that? Truly a pitiful fate. You start thinking you should’ve died that day you met him. You knew that falling for him would’ve ended in heartbreak then. But you still fell. Fell right to your death.

He taps your thigh repeatedly, looking into your eyes expectingly. Your eyes were blank. As if you drifted to another world. It was scary. How empty they looked as if you died- but that’s not possible because you’re right here. He tried to ignore it. Thought it was because you were being stubborn, ignoring what he was saying on purpose, but when you didn’t respond after he kept talking, fear dreaded him. He thought he lost you, but you were still here. It was a terrifying thought.

“Baby?” His voice broke and tears stung his eyes. He keeps tapping hoping you’ll come back. Come back to life? Come back to him. It’s like you shut down. There’s no life in your eyes… Almost as if you died.

Suddenly, your body slumps back on the couch, eyes rolling back in the process. He quickly rises to his feet to catch your- cold body? When did you get so cold, why are you cold?

His blood runs cold, he sees your body start to pale. It’s a slight difference from your usual skin. But he knows you so well, knows every inch of your body that it’s damn well committed to his memory. So of course he notices a difference, that alarming dull in your usual bright hue.

“Baby what’s wrong?” He takes you by the shoulders and shakes your body a little. Thinking maybe you fainted from over exhaustion. From crying too much. It’s ridiculous, but it’s easier to accept instead of you dying in front of his very eyes. The fact that he let it happen, that he didn’t do anything. He couldn’t take being the reason why you- died. He couldn’t take being the reason why you passed out. It wasn’t possible. You went through tons of stuff that was way more strenuous on your body. It’s no way a couple of tears made you go night night.

So he checks your pulse. If you’re asleep you’ll have a pulse, hah..of course you’ll have a pulse because you’re not dead! You can’t be…you can’t. Denial.

When he presses two fingers to you’re pulse point on your neck there’s nothing there. He lets out a dry chuckle, maybe your wrist. No pulse. He puts his head to your chest. Ear trying it’s best to find anything, to detect a beat, a breath. But there’s nothing. Nothing at all. No sign of life. It’s like you really died.

“No”. He moves to sit more comfortably on the couch with you perched up on his lap. His arms clutched around your shoulders so tight that if you were alive he definitely would’ve killed you then. He’s rocking back and forth with you cradled in his arms, your cold cheek is rested on his sternum. It literally shocks him to his core. He just can’t believe it.

He takes a sharp breath in. “Please say this is a joke, that this is one of your silly games.” He lets out a broken gasp. The tears really start when he looks down at your lifeless body only to catch a glimpse of your eyes. It’s nothing but white.

He moves an arm, one still holding you close to his body, while the left one goes up to touch your eye. When your head goes limp and falls back, he makes sure to hold your head with his right hand. Then try’s to pull back that stubborn eyelid just so he can get a look of your eyes again. It’s a bit disgusting but he doesn’t care. Actually, it wasn’t disgusting. What was so disgusting about wanting to see those pretty eyes just one last time?

They were filled with so much sadness earlier. So much grief it broke his heart. Did you know you were gonna die then? It’s like you mourned your own death earlier. He much rather see those eyes. He loves your eyes. Those beautiful but stubborn eyes that won’t close. Those eyes that seem to be staring into his soul, blaming him. Like they’re angry at him. Hah, you rarely got mad but when you did oh boy…you won’t get mad at him again though. You never will...

He shakes his head. Trying to focus. Those eyes that begged him- that begged him…what were you pleading for? Why were you trying so desperately to get him to stay. If only you could- wait, he should ask you.

Hahaha duh. I can just ask you because you’re right here. Because it’s no fucking way that you’re dead! He taps your cheek. “What were you tryna tell me earlier? Huh baby? I’m listening now…just speak. Say something. Anything.” He try’s shaking you again. It doesn’t work. His hand cradles your head, just like earlier. With his hand placed on your cheek, rubbing his thumb absently there. Its soft.

A dry smile plasters his face. For some reason he’s reminiscing now. He misses the way your head would voluntarily lean into his touch. But now it’s just struggling to stay up. If it wasn’t for his hand your head would just fall again.

It’s like he’s trying to reverse time. To go back to when you were pleading him to stay. Now he’s doing the same. “You can’t just leave me like this. We were supposed to go to the… why’d you- how could you?” Bitter. Anger. Bitter for what exactly? Because you’re not here. Angry with who? You, because you won’t respond.

His warm forehead touches your cold one. Weirdly enough it stings. “We were supposed to start a family. You were just starting a life here. Ohh ugh,” he seethes a breathe, “We. We were starting a life here. What happened?”

Every breath between the words he spoke was a struggle to come out and every inhale pained him more. It was proof that he was alive, yes. But proves that you were dead, unfortunately.

“Come on love just tell me. I won’t be mad. Just don’t scare me like this,” it’s too late. He doesn’t know it yet. He’s clueless to the whole thing. He killed you. But he doesn’t know how. He killed the love of his life. What could he do now? “Just- please, don’t go. Come back to me. Don’t leave me. I need you, please. I love you. Come back. I’m not going anywhere as long as you’ll come back. Please? I promise I’m not going anywhere. I love you. IloveyouIloveyouloveyou.”

A chocked sob leaves him when he doesn’t get the response he wants from you. This is the part where he gives up. Fuck depression, here comes acceptance. He accepts that you’re gone. But first, he’ll mourn. Mourn all the time he’s lost for the future. The future that could’ve been. The future with YOU in it. Mourn the person that used to be. That was alive and full of so much life. So much potential, so much love. But is now a hollow body. The shell of the women he once loved. His first love. (But surely not his last😕). Mourn the fact that he didn’t get to properly send her off. That he didn’t really get to say goodbye.

Then he’ll find a way to live without her. It hurts. So much. But he’ll find a way to move go on. He’ll be ok. He needs to be. He still has responsibilities to take care of. But right now he’ll break, break into a trillion pieces over your cold cold body. Then pick up the pieces. Piece himself back together. Because that’s what he does, that’s just who he is. The man who loved just a little too late

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