I'm depressed and it has made me a really mean and toxic person. Do you have any advice? I hate being this way so much, I know I'm really draining to be around, but I'm not even sure how to fix it. I feel like this is my natural state and I'm doomed to be negative and mean forever. Thanks so much for any input or advice 🖤
hi honey. first, i want to thank you for your bravery. it's very difficult to confront the shadow side of oneself in a way that honors accountability but that is exactly what you are doing. i also want to assure you that while you navigate the depths of depression, you are not alone and do not deserve to be alone regardless of volatile moods that may arise; it is evident that you care about expanding into light and i hope that you are gentler with yourself throughout this journey.💜
i do not know the full extent of your trauma or the details of your most difficult symptoms and i am not a mental healthcare provider so i do want to preface the following advice with a short disclaimer: this is based off of my own healing journey and i do encourage seeking professional advice for optimal symptom management. that being said, i also am aware that therapy may not be accessible to you and in the event that it is not, there are free resources that i will link below for you to explore if you feel called to.
similar to your own concerns, i once feared that depression would remain my natural state throughout the course of my life and that fear alone was at times consumptive. i struggled to reconcile what was true to my identity with what my trauma narrative suggested but therein lies the illusion; you are not defined by your mental health and are worth so much more than what your depression tells you. while your suffering may feel larger than your light right now, i promise that it is temporary, and it may help to interject negative and intrusive thoughts by asking yourself (when they arise) what truth is being projected; where you first learned to feel that way; what the origin of your pain is and why you should subscribe to a thought that serves to harm you. it is here that restructuring can begin.
for myself, i challenge negative thoughts with positive affirmations. sometimes it is as simple as 'i do not accept self-hatred as my truth, and i give myself permission to exist now without harsh expectations' and sometimes it is more complex, in that i have to assert my higher perspective only after i have released the grief of warring with my thoughts. i generally do so by taking a bath or showering, stretching, writing, EFT tapping, breathing deeply or when i am devoid of energy, just granting myself the space to feel angry or sad without judgment. it is very important that you create a sanctuary for yourself, where you can release those emotions constructively without causing harm to yourself or others—through art, exercise, breath work, journaling, shadow work prompts, music or another avenue entirely—as long as it is beneficial to your wellness. something that may be helpful here is determining what activities make you feel the most free and investing in them. you do deserve the relief.🦋
as for feeling toxic, irritable or agitated, i encourage paying special attention to the circumstances that provoke those responses, and journaling how your body feels in those moments. a common cause of meanness or outbursts is depletion and often accompanies physical exhaustion, reactivity without full control and loss of interest; if these align with your experience, consider what boundaries need to be established to provide you with a sense of comfort, what stressors are taking up too much of your energy, what you do for others that you really do not want to do and what you can do more of to return to a place of empowerment.
you've already shown that you are well acquainted with accountability; to expand the positive qualities of that, just try your best to be honest with your friends or family when you feel more volatile. it can be a little scary at first but i've found that communicating those feelings upfront helps diffuse the projection of them. i am personally very transparent in this respect and rather than apologizing, i typically thank the other person for their patience and understanding. it's incredible how an act so simple can all at once feel so validating.
in addition, it's important to internalize the truth that you do have a right to your feelings; anyone who argues otherwise may not have your best interests at heart and may be amplifying your pain. be aware of what or who makes you feel depleted and enforce your boundaries. despite the range of your emotions, you do deserve to be met with compassion, support and liberation—your mental health will never dictate your worthiness of that.
ultimately self-awareness can make a world of difference when you're in the trenches of healing, and as you familiarize yourself with your triggers, the most beneficial path for you should become clear. i am linking a few websites below—some are based in spiritually driven emotional freedom techniques, some have tools for self-introspection and some offer realistic advice for breaking through undesirable thought patterns; i hope that at least one of them is helpful.💓 you are in my prayers and undoubtedly in the arms of the universe. may divine protection and love surround you. i want to thank you again for being brave. i see you, i feel you, and i honor you.💖
4 notes · View notes