thehydrophilic

[thehydrophilic]

sleeping pill

i'm still keeping one of the pills that i bought from more than a year ago the heartbreak that you gave me also made it hard to sleep to a point that i thought i needed a pill for the insomnia i took one and it made me feel heavy every breath i took became labored it was hard to enter into a deep slumber when my mind was actively searching for answers words that you did not give, words that i did not ask for the time elapsed and i stayed awake the only thing that helped me was crying i cried myself to sleep because the pill wouldn't help, it didn't help so i kept one to remind me never to take them again that i had to do everything never to go through it again

#sleeping pill #insomnia

[thehydrophilic]

Gusto kong makalimutan ang tunog ng boses ni Ebe baka sakaling mapakinggan kong muli ang Bawat Daan nang hindi ka naaalala.

[thehydrophilic]

Tonight I am hit with a clarity, the things I’m stressing about are arbitrary. Well, most of it. Responsibilities and bills and capitalism and class are real. And our struggles because of these also are. But the deadlines I try to meet (even earlier than I’m supposed to at times), the expectations of the people who assign work to me, the important work dates. They are all arbitrary.

One day, I can just disappear, or quit, or take a step back. I will not die. I will not stop existing. And as weird as this sounds, that is comforting.

I am not a fan of quitting. I am not a fan of doing things only halfway. While I have a few times, it’s not my regular programming. And so, when I commit to something, I tend to have this strong feeling that I am stuck. That I can’t get out. But I can if it gets too bad. Or I can take a break or ask for a pause.

Things are arbitrary—the things I value the most, or am afraid of the most, I should say.

The people and the feelings are all real. The value of what we do is real. But the belief that we must do the things assigned to us, that we must only do this, that we can’t stop or breathe until everything is finished, that the world will stop if we disappear, it’s arbitrary.

I guess if so, I’ll be okay.

[thehydrophilic]

underneath the Molave tree on a typical Tuesday afternoon

I count all the means to look at you and I lose count all the time because there are a handful of ways but not one that doesn't hurt

I lay now on the hammock that grandpa has mounted by the trunks of the Molave tree that's older than I and I marvel at the beauty of the leaves because they have learned to live through the heat of the sun

can the leaves teach me how to handle a little fire?

I count all the means to speak to the leaves and I lose count all the time because there are a handful of ways but not one that wills the leaves to say something

#molave #hammock #filipino #poetry #prose #philippines

[thehydrophilic]

Hopeless Romantic

I am either hopeless or romantic, but never hopeless romantic!

[thehydrophilic]

so, how did it feel?

It felt like a fully opened door where Love could just walk through. It was an invitation to rest my chin on her shoulder, close my eyes, and breathe. It was liberty from the prison of loneliness, where one step was an attempt at befriending time, holding it in my arms and convincing it to stay longer until I felt light enough to welcome Love again.

[thehydrophilic]

Elegy to Grandma

at 13, i have feared for this day to come. with that fear, i always tried to sleep beside you whenever i visited your old home, whose rotten wooden floor have known the sound of my footsteps. my soul has known your presence, i have grown acquainted to your scent with my eyes closed. but i haven't noticed that the strands of your hair were slowly turning gray, and when your lips curved into a smile, your health was deteriorating. i was running out of time.

at 16, i have known warmth with the touch of your hand, and tender, loving, care, with your savory adobo that i have never learned how to cook. i have known strength with the tears that fell from your eyes, and wisdom from the stories that you told.

at 19, the day that i have feared has come. my fingers shivered as i traced your curly gray hair, and through my right hand i cupped your pale face and saw that blood has left your lips. with tears running in my face, i sung your name without cease, as if exhausting my lung would bring you back.

i feel lost now that you are not around. because you have known me better than i have known myself. you have understood the exact words that would pierce through my guarded heart, not to hurt me but to force the pressure out of my veins. then, i have known calm. now, what do i do? who do i tell about my dreams now that you have left?

at 22, i have unearthed that grief is like a seed that death plants upon us but no amount of tears would make grief die. no hands have learned how to carefully suppress grief. grief doesn't leave for there are no doors where grief can walk through. grief has learned to grow roots in the hollows of our hearts.

and since my heart has known grief, and my small hands haven't grasped how to kill grief, i have wised up to live with grief in every waking day of my life. maybe tomorrow i will gather more strength to caress grief like a child. maybe tomorrow, grief will be a little more gentle. tomorrow, we will try again.

#ronwrites #grief #elegy #elegia

[thehydrophilic]

grace in structurelessness

i never loved any meal more than breakfast, more than the freshly brewed coffee and the occassional grilled cheese sandwich that i make when i begin to lose control of my life's structure.

i am generally forgetful but i remember exactly how i like my coffee:

when the flavorful caffeinated liquid touches my tongue, the subtle sweetness should trace my mouth like Aphrodite enticing the mortals of this world in a graceful span of her hand. the bitterness that i desire should resemble that of my intense attachment to all things unconventional and never superficial. deeply seated at the bottom of my cup is my yearning for the perfect balance of sweet and bitter, of gracefulness and depth.

sometimes, breakfast comes with grilled cheese, but coffee must be present at all times. when i get the perfect mix, and whether or not it is paired with grilled cheese, there is nothing to worry about.

[thehydrophilic]

I hate wanting something so bad and failing to clutch it, to hold it, and to tame it. God, I want to tame you. I want to be tamed by you.

[thehydrophilic]

feelings are a bottle of wine fermented too long

I could be selfish if I tell you what I feel with no other intention but to unload my heart of emotions that I could not explain. I could be wrong if I tell you only to find out that these emotions are mere infatuation. I could be bad and leave you hanging because I am scared to see how you would react to my insensibility. So, I'd choose to bottle these up this time because I could be selfish, wrong, and bad.

If these were for real, these wouldn't fade away.

[thehydrophilic]

3ams

i've always loved the tacit serenity of 3:00 AM's it brings me peace and calms me internally and deeply like the sound of zebra doves it's as if living in a world within which time moves without haste a space within is filled, and a tranquil town within my heart emerges

i've always loved the tacit serenity of 3:00 AM's but these days, 3:00 AMs are everything but serenity peace is anything but words waging wars supposedly yours versus mine alas, it's the person's against themself! now, 3:00 AM's are times of freezing solitude sheeted with defeaning silence where your words are buried 6 feet deep, and my heart along with it.

[thehydrophilic]

i eat grief for breakfast

My mornings are still quite the same— I still listen to the same old playlist, brew the same brand of coffee, and eat the same kind of bread. Same old, same old. I still crave your presence, long to hear your voice, and miss your simple yet mesmerizing train of thought. There's not a day that you don't cross my mind. Still, my mornings stayed quite the same. Things remained all the same—but one thing was different. You're not here.

[thehydrophilic]

feb 16

have you ever liked someone to the point that you don't wanna see them because you are afraid that they can see right through you, that you don't wanna hear them because you know that the sound of their voice will be in your head from your waking hours to your sleeping hours, that you don't wanna touch them because you are scared of losing control? all it takes from them is to look at you, and in a heartbeat they can own you.

[thehydrophilic]

Another semester has passed and I'm glad I'm still here. It has been a tough ride, going through many first times, and being cracked open under the heat, 'til I'm sunny side up. 🍳

I am about to enter my fourth year in the university (third year in BS Agricultural Chemistry) yet I still got so many basics to learn in both laboratory and lecture classes. The past semester has been filled with many inconveniences brought about by first-time jitters. Yet, here I am, still hopeful that I can go through another semester carrying the same enthusiasm that I have always had since I started taking classes face-to-face

#elbi #uplb #agchem #college

[thehydrophilic]

Happy birthday in heaven, Nanay! I haven't really processed the grief of losing you. I still regret not saying "I love you" much when you were still alive. Because I really do love you so much. You are my best friend. I'm sorry if I wasn't soft enough to open up to you completely. Don't worry; I am now trying to process my emotions instead of suppressing them. :) I hope you are prouder of who I am now as a person and who I will be in the future than what I have accomplished. Thank you, Nanay, for your unconditional love and support. I would be lucky to get a love like yours twice in this lifetime.

[thehydrophilic]

A Thing About Flowers

The sunflowers await my hand to pick them but I tremble in fear that I might obsess over the sunflowers and forget the innocence of lilies, the beauty of roses, the depth of tulips, the simplicity of cosmos and the fiery marigold. Yet, I want the sunflowers in a delighting garden of flowers because I am a bee. I am weak, powerless, and helpless against the sunflower. #flowers #lilies #tulips #roses #garden #prose #filipino #poetry #sunflowers #cosmos #marigold #bee

[thehydrophilic]

Walang Titulo

Humahalo sa hangin ang halimuyak ng dama de noche, lumulutang ang usok mula sa mga naglalakihang tsikot, sumisibol ang liwanag ng Puesto, at dinig ang hiyawan ng mga estudyanteng lasing.

Sa munting pasilyo, makikita siya - nakalugay ang itim na itim na buhok na may kaunting highlights at animo'y wolf cut ang gupit. Napakaganda. Ang gaan niyang pagmasdan, sumisilaw sa kwarto ang kanyang presensya.

Ngunit, may mali. Malinaw na may dinadala ang mapupungay niyang mga balintataw na halatang puyat na. Ang mga labi niya'y nakakurba na wari'y nagsasabing, "Ayoko na. Pagod na."

#maikling tula #prose #filipino #elbi #puesto