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kathyprior4200 · 4 years

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The Radio Demon’s Guide to the Inferno

(What it says on the back)

“You poor sack of former human skin and sin. You died and are stuck in Hell. Now what? Fear not, for in this book, you shall find the answers to seek on what you need to know to survive the inferno. You’ll learn how to stay safe and entertain yourself during the Extermination. You’ll get a sneak peek on the origins of voodoo, radio, and Jambalaya. And as for becoming a better person and getting out of this mess? You’re probably stuck here forever until you die again, but this book will provide you with handy information and a much needed cure for your boredom!”

*Includes a free pamphlet for the Hazbin Hotel and how to tune in to 66.6 FM.*

About the author: Alastor “Hazbin” Cajun was born January 24, 1896 in New Orleans, Louisiana. He died in 1933 and is now one of the most powerful demons Hell has ever seen. In his spare time, he loves broadcasting his murders on the radio, cooking meals, making dolls, and performing. As of 2020, he is 87 years old in Hell and 124 years chronologically. However, his friend princess Charlie is 200 + years old, despite having the appearance of a teenager!”

This is a story of a book, a book called “The Radio Demon’s Guide to the Inferno”--not an Earth book, never published on Earth, and until the Exterminations occurred, no Earthling has ever heard of it.

It is a remarkable book in Hell, though.

It is highly successful, written by the one and only Radio Demon Alastor. It’s more successful than Angel Dust’s “Guns, and Poses: Turf Wars in Style,” “Lust is a Must,” and “Being Gay in a World of Macho Sinners.” Unfortunately for the following authors, Charlie Magne’s book “Rainbows Inside Everyone” remains one of the lowest ranked books along with Vaggie’s “Men Are Pigs.”

Alastor got his book revised by his associate Niffty and published by Husk (after bribing him with money and booze. Niffty had to help him with the publishing process and stop him from using his money to bet on who would win the local Hellhound races.) Alastor hopes that his book will soon topple Hell’s number one bestseller from the king of Hell: Lucifer Magne’s “Fall From Grace.”

It has many passages that may be inaccurate, and it does warn the reader never to cross said Radio Demon, unless they’re curious about what their organs look like from the outside.

The majority of this story is broadcasted on radio, for if all the info were piled in a book, it’d take several leagues of demons to carry it.

There are many benefits to this book. This book is slightly cheaper than Angel Dust’s works and it has the word “Smile!” written in large friendly letters on the cover. In an old fashioned TV is the number 66, the meaning of life in Hell.

Here’s what “The Radio Demon’s Guide to the Inferno” has to say about Jambalaya: (Page 14)

“Jambalaya is a traditional dish that originated in Louisiana in the 18th century. The dish was a result of attempts to make a variation of paella for Spanish colonists. Although the recipe was adapted by the Spanish, but Senegalese slaves brought the knowledge of rice cultivation form West Africa. German immigrants brought their secrets of sausage making to Cajun country. And one can’t forget the influence of French and Native Americans, whom contributed more flavor. (meaning they likely added peppers and seasoning, not their own flesh).

“Jambalaya consists of rice, sausage, shrimp, and a variety of vegetables mixed together in a tasty gumbo. The “holy trinity” mixture consists of diced onion, celery, and bell peppers, a necessity for flavor in regards to the traditional method.

Common meats used are smoked pork sausage, paired with chicken, though diced ham, shrimp, crabmeat or crawfish can also be added.

There are two main types of Jambalaya: Red Jambalaya, also known as Creole Jambalaya, due to the use of red tomatoes and Brown Jambalaya, more often used in Cajun country. Both are equally tasty.

Jambalaya is a rice dish, thus it is not a gumbo nor is it etouffee. Gumbo is more like soup and etouffee is more like a stew.

Fun Fact: hunting is a beloved pastime in south Louisiana. It’s not uncommon for hunters to add game like duck, pheasant, and venison to their Jambalaya recipe. (Venison is my personal favorite, especially after a good hunt.) If you really want to go bold, feel free to add small slices of human meat to create a unique lighter pork flavor.)

Do be warned: Jambalaya is no simple dish to make at times. It is a bad idea to add gunpowder and or wasabi to the dish. Doing so will likely result in the dish exploding in your poor mother’s face. Indeed, my mother’s recipe nearly killed her when she drank too much Southern Comfort Whisky ™ and decided that adding gunpowder was a great idea. Her face was burnt badly afterwards and there may have been a few slabs of her dark skin that fell into the dish. When I tasted it, the kick was straight outta Hell! The spice and chaotic spin of flavor…fantastic!”

Here’s how to make it in a nutshell: brown your meat, sautee your vegetables, add rice, add liquid bring to a boil, stir, reduce heat and simmer for 20-25 minutes. Add them all together.

For full instructions, see the next page.

For instructions on how to hunt deer, see page 20.”

Reference:

McCormick, “Jambalaya Recipes, History, and FAQs.”

https://www.mccormick.com/zatarains/jambalaya

Here’s what “The Radio Demon’s Guide to the Inferno” has to say about Voodoo, Hoodoo and dark magic (Page 177)

“According to Benjamin Radford, Voodoo is a pop-culture subpart of Voudon, an Afro-Caribbean religion that originated in Haiti. Followers can be found all over the world, including the United States. Leslie Desmangles, Haitian professor at Hartford’s Trinity College describes Voodoo as a system of ethics, stories, songs, proverbs, and folklore that is passed down through generations. It is an elaborate folk medical practice system and to her, it is a way of life. (“The Encyclopedia of the Paranormal” Prometheus Books, 1996.)

In Voodoo belief, Bondye is the unknowable and the supreme creator God. Voudon emphasizes the worship of spirits called Loa, each one who represents a different aspect of life. Loas can help or impede human affairs by possessing the bodies of their worshippers. They can be good or bad or anywhere in between, so it’s best to always treat them with respect and leave proper offerings (not human sacrifice but more like animals, plants, gems etc.) Spiritual possession in Christianity is considered to be evil, but not in Voudon. In a ceremony guided by a priest or priestess, a connection to the spirit world and the ancestors is said to be an invaluable experience. Many practitioners believe in reincarnation.

Voodoo deities are as follows:

Loa Nations:

Rada – (creation, orderly, beneficial, water spirits)

Petro – (destruction, aggressive, warlike, New World)

Ghede – (spirits of the dead, loud, rude fun family, eating glass and hot peppers)

Kongo – Marinette, Simbi (water serpents, plants, poisons)

Nago – Ogoun –Loa of craftsmen, metalwork

Deities:

Bondye: The creator god in the Voodoo religion and the loa answer to him. The loa serve as intermediaries between man and Bondye.

Papa Legba: Sun god Loa associated with the crossroads and serves as an intermediary between man and the spirit world. In some places, he is seen as a fertility god, portrayed with a large erect phallus. In other customs, he is a trickster, or he may be a protector of children. He is associated with red and black, portrayed as an old man with a straw hat accompanied by a dog. He is always the first god to be invoked in ceremonies.

Kalfu: moon god and ruler of the night. Patron deity of sorcerers, and those who practice black magic. He rules bad luck, destruction, and injustices. His favorite drink is rum laced with gunpowder. He is often seen as a darker version of Papa Legba.

Maman Brigitte: Loa associated with death and the underworld. She is the consort of Baron Samedi and is often represented by a black rooster. She is also considered a goddess of justice. Rum and hot peppers are her favorite diet.

Maman Brigitte is portrayed as a light-skinned woman with red hair, it is said that she could be descended from Brigid, the Celtic goddess of the hearth fires and domestic life.

Baron Samedi: Husband of Maman Brigitte, Baron Samedi is the god of death and is both respected and feared as the keeper of cemeteries. He often appears skeletal, wearing a top hat and formal tails and dark glasses. He is also a god of resurrection; only he can welcome a soul to the realm of the dead.

He is known for lewd behavior, swearing, and mating with other women. He is connected to powerful acts of magic and is the leader of the Guede, the family of loa who work with the dead.

Erzulie: goddess of beauty and love, epitome of femininity and womanhood. She represents the cosmic womb in which divinity and humanity are conceived. Erzulie often grieves that which she cannot obtain, and sometimes leaves a ceremony weeping. She is sometimes represented as a black Madonna and other times as an upper class woman in fine clothing and jewelry.

Her three husbands are the war god Ogun, the sea god Agwe and Damballah. Erzulie feels sadness due to the broken hearts of humans.

Loco: The god of wild vegetation, herbs and fruits for killing or healing. He is also the patron deity of doctors and Voodoo priests. His wife is the market goddess Ayzian (also deity of Voodoo priestesses).

Shango: God of fire, judge, fighter, symbolized by double-axe or ram��s horn.

Ogun: War god Loa associated with blacksmiths, warriors, and justice. Practitioners call upon Ogun for matters related to war and conflict and likes offerings of male roosters and dogs. He is symbolized by an iron knife or machete and has a fondness for pretty women and rum.

Ogun stood as Ghede Nibo’s godfather and adopted him.

Oya: goddess of wind, fire, sea, nature and sudden change.

Damballah: The creator of gods and humanity who helped Bondye make the cosmos and is represented by a giant serpent. His coils shaped the heavens and earth and he is the keeper of knowledge, wisdom, and healing magic. Damballah looks after the crippled, albinos, and children. Erzulie is his consort. He loves silver. His son, Simbi is a white snake god who brings rain.

Ayida: The goddess of the rainbow and primary wife to creator Damballah. The pair manifest as intertwined serpents. Ayida also serves as a fertility goddess. Her favorite offerings are white food. Ayizan, her daughter, is goddess of the marketplace and of initiation into the sacred truths, making her the head Mambo (Voodoo priestess.)

Oshun: One of the Orishas, Oshun is a goddess connected to rivers and water. She is associated with wealth, pleasure, love, beauty, and sexuality. Oshun’s colors are orange and golden yellow, green and coral.

Yemaya: motherly goddess of the sea

Obatala: Goddess of the heavens, personification of creative energy: old with white hair

Agwe: The god of the sea and patron deity of sailors and fishermen. Agwe taught humans how to fish and build boats. He is one of the husbands of the love goddess Erzulie. Agwe is green-eyed and dresses like a naval officer.

Zaca: The god of agriculture and the harvest. He dresses in denims and a straw hat. Zaca smokes a pipe, drinks from bottles of rum and wields a machete.

Marassa: Mawa and Lisa: divine twins: male and female energy, personify sun and moon

Radford states that Roman Catholicism imposed their religious beliefs onto many civilizations, including African slaves. The Africans and African Americans combined Catholicism with their West African beliefs. A 1685 law forbade the practice of African religions in the U.S. In fact, slavery was accepted as a tool to convert Africans to Christianity. In the process, many of their spirits became associated with Christian saints.

Even though slavery ended in the 1800’s, followers of Voudon were still persecuted by authorities, and their religion was demonized. In an 1889 book titled “Hayti, or the Black Republic” (Filiquarian, 2012), Voudon was falsely attributed to cannibalism, human sacrifice, and other atrocities. This helped to spread fear of the religion…portraying certain aspects like voodoo dolls, dark magic, zombies etc. in media and literature. Added onto that, it also strengthened racist stereotypes: African Americans were viewed as “primal,” and “savage,” due to their practices and behaviors as perceived by those outside their culture.

Voodoo has gained more respect in modern times, but all too many people don’t know the truth about it. Even today, many Christians associate Voudon and Voodoo with Satanism and the occult. Interestingly enough, voodoo dolls have little to do with the actual rituals.

Here’s how I found out about Voodoo. It started a long time ago back when I was alive. My mother Loretta was Creole, and her ancestors came from Haiti. She told me that my grandmother Antoinette Duvalier was a powerful Voodoo priestess who once lived in Haiti but immigrated to the U.S. as a slave. Even though she was treated like dirt by the predominant owners and whites, she was well respected by those who knew her. Legend states that she was related to Marie LaLaurie, (1787-1849), New Orleans serial killer, cruel to Creole slaves. In fact, my cousin is Clementine Barnabet, a Louisiana voodoo priestess and serial killer, killed families with an axe.

Needless to say, my mother followed in her footsteps as much as possible. Though during her life, she mostly had to work in low level secretary jobs as women didn’t have many opportunities. She taught me everything there was to know about Voodoo, cooking, singing, sewing, (and yes, cannibalism in dire circumstances, though she didn’t like to talk about that.) She warned me multiple times that magic was, indeed, real, and to never use it for evil. There were “evil” Loas as well as “good” ones. She told me that Voodoo wasn’t about cannibalism or sacrifice.

As you can imagine, I didn’t listen in the long run. For several reasons.

One was my father, Louis. A white, strong man with black hair, a mustache and French heritage. He constantly tried to shove the Bible down my throat. He would whip and abuse me whenever I didn’t meet his expectations of being a man. That bastard would sleep with other women behind my mother’s back but of course, she couldn’t do anything about it.

I was scared of him. I was tempted to cry whenever he would hit her for no apparent reason. But both my parents told me to always smile, so I did. I’ve learned to hide my emotions and keep up a façade ever since. It’s necessary when you’re a radio host by day and a serial killer by night. Nobody would suspect a friendly comedian to be the Bayou Butcher/Louisiana Lunatic of New Orleans. It’s how I managed to get away with my actions for so long until my brutal death by dogs and being shot in the head.

Two was the opportunity for power. I learned that in a hard life of bullying at school, and blatant racism for being of mixed heritage, you take any opportunity that comes your way.

I was so caught up in the prospects of deal making that even I started to believe the cannibalism and misconceptions of Voodoo.

Basically, I came across a Satanic ritual book dropped by a group of imps from Hell on accident. It was in this book that I learned about spells, cannibalism, and black magic. I came upon a passage with instructions on how to gain near unlimited power in the afterlife. I made a deal with Kalfu and the Petro Loas of destruction. (My mother supported the benevolent Rada like I did once.) It was a risky one: to gain such power, I would have to bear witness to at least three deaths, a victim, a loved one…and myself. Turns out it all happened, after I killed many victims in Kalfu’s name, and when I eventually died. My mother died from the Spanish Flu and my father got what he deserved after I tracked him down and tortured him. Strangely enough, whether it’d be guilt or his meat I ate, I felt sick for several days afterwards.

My deal with Kalfu and the dark Loas was how I got my current powers in Hell. You probably noticed my use of blood magic and how red voodoo symbols hover in the air whenever I use my powers. Not to mention me having control over voodoo imps, dolls, and shadow spirits. I am quite powerful, but I can’t use too much at once…it can be very taxing to use dark magic. But that deal was well worth it and now I make deals with other demons around at times. It’s how I got Husk and Niffty on my side…I summon them and they have no choice but to assist me!”

References:

Radford, Benjamin, (2013). “Voodoo: Facts About Misunderstood Religion” LiveScience. https://www.livescience.com/40803-voodoo-facts.html

https://www.white-magic-help.net/About_White_Magic/Voodoo_History_Basic_Principles_Background.html

https://www.learnreligions.com/voodoo-gods-4771674

Here’s what “The Radio Demon’s Guide to the Inferno” has to say about Cannibalism (Page 65)

“Along with deer meat, jambalaya and many other kinds of food, I also have a rare fondness for eating humans and demons. You’re probably thinking: ‘Oh god, how gross and horrible! Who in their right mind would eat their own kind?’

Apparently, there are some tribes and a few cultures in the world that still engage in the practice. Not to mention several killers throughout the years. There are many kinds of animals such as the cane toad and redneck spider, who eat their own kind. Human ancestors have engaged in the act for survival, or ritual purposes. And in Hell, it’s as common as getting into fights with other demons.

In early history of human species, human and Neanderthals coexisted together, interbred, ate together and sometimes ate each other. Homo antecessor, the last common ancestor between Neanderthals and modern humans would often eat rival group members. Early humans in Europe practiced ritual cannibalism.

Around the 12th century, human remains were incorporated into medical practices for remedies. “Corpse medicine” remained in use until the late 18th century. The Aztec and the Inca engaged in cannibalism as part of a sacrificial religious rite. In Germany, some executioners would sell leftover body parts as medicine. Human fat was sold as a remedy for arthritis and broken bones. Apothecaries stored fat, flesh and bone…and let’s not forget that some people eat their own placentas in modern times.

The word “cannibalism” comes from the name that the Spanish gave to the Caribs/Canibales. The Caribs were engaged in anti-colonial battles with European powers…claiming they were cannibals may have been a fear propaganda tactic by the Spanish.

In Montaigne’s late 1500s essay “Of Cannibals,” shows an anthropological record of the Tupi people in what is now Brazil. They would taunt their captives by “entertain[ing] them with threats of their own death.”

In early America, while some Native American tribes practiced cannibalism, some colonists had to resort to it, such as the Jamestown colony in 1610.

But the public commonly associates cannibalism with the Donner-Party, groups of people that were snowbound in the Sierra Mountains in 1846-47.

Famine in the USS in the 1920s and 30s took millions of lives and forced survivors to turn to cannibalism, an event known as the Great Chinese Famine.

In modern times, cannibalism is still an acceptable practice in some tribes in New Guinea, like the Korowai tribe. Until the 1950s, the Fore people ate the bodies of relatives as they believed it would cleanse their spirits.

Also, do not try self-cannibalism…you will die and I will find it hilarious. In fact, eating humans is considered taboo nearly everywhere because eating humans can make you sick. This is especially true if you eat the brain. Eating the brain can cause kuru, a brain disease similar to mad cow disease. Like any kind of meat, human meat much be properly cooked and prepared. But as I’m an undead demon, I can eat myself and others no problem. I don’t really know how I managed to survive when I ate my victims more often when I was human.

There are tons of ways to prepare humans and demons and I have used them all:

Baking in the oven

Grilling

Frying in a pan

Steaming in a pot

Barbeque

Cooking over a fire pit

Chopping them on a board and eating raw pieces

Swallowing whole

References:

Edwards, Phil. (2015) “& Surprising Facts About Cannibalism” Vox. https://www.vox.com/2015/2/17/8052239/cannibalism-surprising-facts

Talal Al-Khatib (May 13, 2015) “Cannibalism: A History of People Who Eat People.” Seeker. https://www.seeker.com/cannibalism-a-history-of-people-who-eat-people-1769840684.html

(Using a website with Vox’s name on it…life is a big slap in the face.)

Here’s what “The Radio Demon’s Guide to the Inferno” has to say about Radio Broadcasting (Page 5)

“Many folks call me the Radio Demon for good reason. One of my signature skills is the ability to broadcast what goes on around me anytime, anywhere. I’ve always loved being on center stage…I was a bit of a theater nut back in primary school. Fun fact: My shadow and I can travel through radios and produce static in the outside world in Hell.

One of the neat things about being a radio host is you can spread news to anyone in different places in the world…and no one even has to see you. In my human life, it provided me with a stable career and something to occupy my mind. My favorite things to talk about were dad jokes, cooking food, singing songs, and of course, murders that had happened. My broadcasts had to go underground when my descriptions of murders became graphic, both when I did them and when other killings were reported on the news.

My career wasn’t easy to start off with…it was quite a competitive business and I was lucky to start off as a janitor and radio repair man for a few years. My dad thought it was a worthless job but my mother supported me all the way. I slowly moved up the ladder, learning more techniques as I went along. Soon, I decided I would start my own show…become self-employed. My career really reached its peak during World War One and the start of the Roaring Twenties. I could describe all the casualties of the war to the public, talk about my own victims to my followers, all while ending with “You’re Never Fully Dressed Without A Smile,” my favorite song! I felt like I was on top of the world…not even my dad nor the ignorant folk could stop me. Like many people during the age of jazz and splendor, I basked in riches, ate good food and drinks…had tons of ladies at my feet. They were good friends, and even better victims! I was never interested in sex and romance…too many messy emotions. I didn’t want to be touched and nor down by anybody. (Thanks a lot, father.)

All this was before the police found me, my show was canceled, and my beloved radios destroyed by those seeking revenge. I smiled, I fell from grace, and I died during the Great Depression. Life really does have a twisted sense of humor.”

Experimental radio broadcasting began at the Metropolitan Opera House in New York City, 1910 with a program made by Lee De Forest. The WWJ Detroit station is considered the first radio station in the U.S. The National Broadcasting Company (NBC) presented the first national broadcast in 1926, when I was in my late twenties. From 1925 to 1950, radios were a major source of family entertainment, where people could listen to music, stories, and the news. The success of NBC brought the Columbia Broadcasting System (CBS) into creation by William Paley.

Some radio stations transmit radio signals using amplitude modulation, which became the term for AM radio. AM broadcasts can be received at long distances, but the signals and sound are affected by static. In contrast, other stations transmit signals using frequency modulation, hence the initial FM. FM waves reproduce sound better.

I died in 1933 when radio was popular. But my rival, Vox (name means Voice in Latin) died in the 1950s, when television was becoming popular. He hosted his own program and did picture shows seemingly all the time. I remember him: tall, white skinned, slick short dark hair, eyes the color of dull metal. He advertised drugs, phones, cars, and a whole bunch of things…he enjoyed money a lot. Anything new he liked, new toys, new tech, new girls, then when they didn’t work, he’d replace them. Made me sick.

In Hell, I confronted him once and told him he was a big showoff. I was quite mad that picture shows took over radio…he even called me an outdated geek with a voice of static! He had this stupid robotic voice that I couldn’t take seriously. When he shot me in the head from behind, I had enough. I held him in place with black tentacles, figuring out how he died. Then I heard someone mention his death…

So…with a loud crash, a large TV appeared out of nowhere and crushed his stupid face. I was doubling over with laughter as I left, he picked himself up and yelled, his screen face all cracked.

So, what should you do in Hell? Listen to the radio, of course! Picture shows are fun as well, but even they can’t beat the classic radio. I know you techno folk flock to TV’s and computers thanks to Vox…both are annoying in my opinion. But radios are a great source of entertainment, especially when I’m on the air. My show starts at 6AM and 6PM every other day at 66.6FM. You can find radios in a whole bunch of stores and at the Hazbin Hotel…and if you’re brave, you can find cursed ones at the Black Market (all owned by me of course). If any demon gives you trouble, you can turn the dials a bit and the radio will either crush them or suck them inside. But be careful…listening for too long may cause you to sing, dance, experience your fears, and stab anyone within six feet of you. I have plenty of radios in my lair in the shadow world beneath Hell, but you’ll never be able to go there. But just say the word and I’ll gladly store your remains in my icebox.”

References:

“Broadcasting: The History of Radio” https://law.jrank.org/pages/4873/Broadcasting-History-Radio.html

Here’s what “The Radio Demon’s Guide to the Inferno” has to say about Sewing Voodoo Dolls (Page 38)

“I have made tons of voodoo dolls both as a human and in Hell. I have my own collection of ones that resemble Charlie, Vaggie, Husk, Niffty and many others. Niffty helps me sometimes after she helps make me more clothes. Don’t tell anyone this, but I secretly snuggle with a doll I made to resemble my mother. She briefly went to Hell in the form of a powerful voodoo deer, but went up to Heaven before I got a chance to see her. It’s been decades.”

Here’s what “The Radio Demon’s Guide to the Inferno” has to say about Jazz (Page 72)

“Music has always held a special place in my heart. Growing up in New Orleans, I was surrounded by jazz, live music, and theater. Playing instruments, singing, dancing, and performing were not just fun pastimes. Doing these hobbies also helped during certain times. Take the Great Depression or the Roaring Twenties or my way to bask in the spotlight as examples. I can play lots of instruments: piano, saxophone, trumpet, violin and furby organ. If you don’t know what that is, it’s an organ made from furry robotic toys made by this “LOOK MUM NO COMPUTER” human.”

According to the National Park Service et al., the early development of jazz (1895) is associated with Charles “Buddy” Bolden, a popular bandleader. Throughout the 19th century, diverse ethnical groups cumulated their cultures and styles together, creating an evolution in music. Musicians of diverse backgrounds were united by their common love of music.

One of my role models was real life Edward “Kid” Ory, a guy who lead his own band at age 14 and entertained dancers. He was the son of a White Frenchman and a Creole Woman of Afro-Spanish and Native American heritage, pretty much like me. I’m surprised we aren’t related. During my human life, I played in bands at Economy Hall, a dance hall that provided social services such as brass band dances for the Black Community. Many well-known jazz stars included real life Louis Armstrong, Joe Oliver, Johnny and Warren Dodds etc. During the Jazz Age in the 1920s, I was quite busy indeed with radio broadcasting career, playing jazz, performing at clubs and killing people on the side in the name of Kalfu and Satan. Music helped me get through the loss of my mother’s death via the Spanish Flu. I did also get my revenge on my father and uncle but that’s a story for another time.”

References:

National Park Service. (2015) A New Orleans Jazz History https://www.nps.gov/jazz/learn/historyculture/jazz_history.htm

Here’s what “The Radio Demon’s Guide to the Inferno” has to say about the Exterminations (Page 665)

“The annual Exterminations sure are fun to watch! It’s the one day out of the year where the dark angels travel from Heaven and into Hell to purge the citizens at random. This is done to reduce the abnormally high population down here. During the 24 hours, I relax in the safety of my lair, occasionally going up to watch the slaughters from inside a building, Niffty and Husk by my side. I broadcast what goes on so other demons can have their share of entertainment. Not only am I in a safe place, but anytime the Exterminators try and surround me, I just tear them to pieces, throw them into portals or just scare them off by staring at them. There is a collection of horned Exterminator heads I have for decoration along my mantle and near the stuffed deer heads on display. Their sinister smiles and Xs over their right eyes adds to the place. Niffty sometimes comes down to my lair to help spruce it up and even when she leaves, a strong spell ensures that she will never tell anyone about its location.”

Someday when I rule Hell, the Exterminators will be the ones who are exterminated. Exterminators carry spears, swords, and harpoons which can kill any demon instantly. So I always try to be careful. I know that some demons can sell them on the black market so they can kill their enemies. I have several of them in a safe to use in emergencies.

What should you do in an Extermination? Stock up and lock up, if you’re smart. Make sure you have plenty of food, drinks and things to keep you entertained during the 24 hours. And be sure to get the stuff early unless you want to fight a dozen sinners for groceries. Exterminators fly in the open, so barricade yourself in a building with few windows and openings. If you’re unlucky enough to be out in the open, run for your life and say your prayers! You will know when it starts by the sounds of air raid sirens. When it is over, Charlie will go out to her balcony and shoot fireworks in the sky, signaling that it’s safe to go out. Feel free to fight for territory, sing, grab a drink or feast on the deceased…but get in my way and you’ll regret it.”

Here’s what “The Radio Demon’s Guide to the Inferno” has to say about Taking Over Territory (Page 187)

“When I first came to Hell, I was filled with bloodlust and dark power. Excited to be granted a new form by the shadow spirits, Satan and the Loas, I took full advantage. I toppled overlords who had ruled for centuries, and I broadcast my carnage and victories. I defeated that snake lord guy and grew my supernatural army. Many of the previous overlords didn’t have much magical power or they were easily fooled by my speeches and schemes.

But I knew that just having shadows at my beck and call weren’t enough. I needed corporeal demons to do my deeds as well. Thus I made deals with Husk, Niffty, and several others. Niffty admired me and my powers the moment I summoned her from the flames of the burning lake and into a fireplace at the hotel. She was happy to be free from the fires. My appearance and charming nature had her blushing and flustered. I told her she can do the things she enjoys: cooking, cleaning, sewing, reading and writing. Husk was more reluctant to serve me but I bribed him with money and booze… promising him “wealth and true love.” Both are beneficial: Niffty is quick on her feet and Husk is strong and good at gambling. Oh, it sure is fun to mess around with them.

Additionally, I spend time with my dear friend and performer Mimzy and Rosie, a fellow overlord. All three of us are pretty close. The demons know that I’ve conquered a territory by the presence of tall radio towers nearby. Or whenever some demons go to a certain area, they encounter some voodoo creatures and shadows who warn them to stay away.”

How do you take over territory? Choose your battles well. Don’t rush into a fight thinking you can win. Gather allies or if you’re powerful enough, just rely on yourself. The time right after the Extermination is the ideal time to claim land since many demons have perished. It’s also when many other demons fight over different areas. It’s fun to hear about it on the picture shows, especially when I’m mentioned.”

Here’s what “The Radio Demon’s Guide to the Inferno” has to say about Asexuality (Page 221)

“Some of you may or may not know this, but I’m asexual and aromantic. I’m not interested in sex nor romantic relationships with either men or women. Many of you fans have shipped me with Charlie and Angel and pretty much every other demon in Hell. Tell me mortals…why in the nine circles would I ever be into my rival Vox, or a pathetic loner scientist…or Hell forbid, Lucifer? Charlie is a lovely lady and a good friend, but if she’s no use to me for my plans in the long run, then she’s not worth it. And Angel…he’s alright, if not annoying and clingy. He invades my personal space and I certainly do not want to know what goes on in his perverted head. I’d rather get shot a dozen times than allow Angel to lay his hands on me (who knows where they’ve been). I don’t really love anyone, save for myself and my mama. It’s just the way I am.

In my time, sexuality terms did not exist. Anyone with an abnormal obsession with the opposite sex was called heterosexual. And homosexual was a derogatory term for those who were outside the norm in regards to sexuality. It was bad enough that my father and uncle chided me for not being into girls and sex like a “real man” should. The thought of merging my body with someone else’s was gross. I invade personal space, but I feel repulsed when other’s touch me…it’s like I’m not in control in the situation. Plus, even if I wanted to have sex, there’s no point as sinners can’t reproduce down here. And I don’t like to be tied down…having to accommodate my needs for someone. Aside from dancing, having the occasional dinner with someone nice, there are better things to do in my time than typical romantic antics. I learned very early on in my life that the only person I could really trust was myself…Alastor. It wasn’t hard to put up a charming exterior to make many women fall for me…including my dear friend Mimzy. The other women and men who stayed around for a while got tied up in my basement and screamed as I stabbed them and split their throats. Hey, you never know who will come into your life.”

Asexuality is defined as a lack of sexual attraction. Asexuals are not sexually attracted to anyone. Those who are aromantic are not romantically attracted to anyone. However, like sexual individuals, asexuals are different and have their own needs and levels of comfort. Some asexuals might be romantically attracted to males, females, or both. Others might desire intimacy and many are in relationships with asexuals and sexual individuals. Sadly, many asexuals feel broken and out of place due to cultural portrayals of sexuality in the media and other institutions.

References:

https://lgbt.williams.edu/homepage/10-things-you-need-to-know-about-asexuality/

Asexuality Visibility and Education Network. https://www.asexuality.org/

#hazbinhotel #alastor #the radio demon #radiodemon

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torque-witch · 7 years

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Hi! This is really random but I bumped into one of your posts and I've ALWAYS been interested in witchcraft since I was really young. Recently I keep thinking about it and stuff but idk where to begin. I was wondering if you could tell me?:)

Sure, I’ll try my best! I do have a beginner tag where you can find this original post, but I’m going to copy and paste the majority of it for the purpose of this ask.

“I’m going to start off with three things you should consider before deciding to be a witch. These are not necessary, but are suggestions.

One - What is your primary goal or what you want to achieve from becoming a witch? If you are just interested in it for the aesthetic, or because you think it will make you look cool, I would reconsider the reason behind your interest. This isn’t to say that people haven’t come to witchcraft this way and have been successful, but it may take you longer to grow into. Something else to consider is that having this identity can be dangerous depending on your location and situation. Those that dress as witches for the aesthetic are probably not trying to be harmful, but can sometimes cause a false sense of belonging to those that are practicing witches. (I asked a girl once if she was a witch because she wore a pentacle and I was looking for a local friend and she laughed at me.) Being a witch is often lonely and kept as a personal identification.

Two - Witchcraft can be happy and sunshine and rainbows, but at it’s base it is not something to laugh about. Witchcraft is about using the world around you and bending it to your will. That is a huge responsibility to have on your shoulders, as what you do can often affect others around you, whether you mean it or not. You have to be able to accept that witchcraft means work, responsibility and dedication. It is not a toy.

Three - Not everything you see is up for grabs when it comes to magical practices. There is (yes, there is) such a thing as Cultural Appropriation and it is a harmful thing to spread and practice. I’ll leave you more information on this later, but the point is that not all practices and paths are open for you to explore. You need to be able to look at everything objectively and do research and ask questions. Where does this practice come from? Who started it? What culture is it from? More often than not, when you engage in these types of practices, you are not even getting the original information. Why would you want to so something that is just a half-assed version? It’s disrespectful and harmful to the actual, living people of color (POC) that still practice the original forms of magic or ideology that so easily gets passed off as “ancient and mystical” when it is really just a white-washed version.

Some other tidbits to keep in mind.

Magic is not black and/or white. It is a neutral force that you bend to your intentions. Calling “good” magic white, and “bad” magic black only propagates racial inequality and the subliminal message that POC are evil.

You don’t have to be Wiccan to be a witch. Wicca is a religion/cult/practice where members worship the god and goddess, revere nature and often use magic in order to supplement worship. They follow The Rede and the Three-Fold Law. Most of what you will see on Tumblr is actually Neo-Wicca, which does not require a practitioner to be initiated into a group by way of a Priestess or otherwise. Wicca is an initiatory cult. Neo-Wicca is based off of Wiccan teachings, and often allows the practitioner to be solitary.

You can follow a religion (any) or you can not follow a religion. Witchcraft can be viewed as a religion on its own, but generally speaking it is a practice that can be blended with religion or not.

Witchcraft does not equal Satanism - as Satanism has many forms and ideologies it branches to as well, some not even involving magic.

You don’t have to be pagan or worship any deities to be a witch.

You don’t need to be white to be a witch. (I’ve been asked this!!!)

You don’t need to be straight to be a witch.

You don’t need to be able-bodied to be a witch.

You don’t need crystals.

You don’t need fancy tools.

You don’t need to read Tarot.

You don’t need an Ouija board.

You don’t need to communicate with spirits.

You don’t need a familiar.

You don’t have a spirit animal unless you are Native American and studying in a tribe. (Please read this post)

Smudging is also NA, see above. Please refer to it as smoke cleansing.

You can curse.

You can choose not to curse.

You don’t have to practice every day.

You can take extended breaks.

You don’t even have to call yourself a witch! Witch is a gender neutral term, but some feel uncomfortable using it because of its feminine history. You could use Wix, sorcerer(ess), magician, practitioner, cunning man/woman, etc. You don’t even need a title at all.

You don’t need a magical name unless you want one.

I’m sure I’m forgetting something along the way, but the bottom line is that whatever you choose to do, you are valid. All you need is yourself and the drive to learn and practice, whatever that may mean to you. There is no right or wrong way to be a witch, unless you are doing something that is harmful to oppressed cultures and people.”

Reading Material

Mostly, I’ll be using my tags for this, so that you can peruse as you wish!

Beginner Witch Masterpost - via @magic-for-the-masses

Witchy Masterposts - everything you’ll ever need, especially for beginner ideas like energy work and visualization.

Types of Witches Masterpost - to help you narrow down your focus on your path if you feel necessary!

Cultural Appropriation in Witchcraft - can get a bit heated, so take that into consideration.

Deities - offerings and masterposts of pantheons

Witch Tips - beginner friendly tips

Spoonie Witchcraft - beginner friendly and good for low energy work

Books - PDFs and book references for purchase

Astrology - fun stuff mostly and some informational posts

Herbs - associations and precautions

Tea - witchy essential

Coffee - also a witchy essential

Bath Magic - beginner friendly

Sigils - low energy and beginner friendly

Crystals - lots of pictures, some informational posts and precautions.

Curses - if you dare

Kitchen Witchcraft

Moon Magic

Storm Witchcraft

Tarot Tips - side blog

Other Divination

Anything else you are welcome to search on my blog by typing in torque-witch.tumblr.com/search/(enter word here) or you can visit my FAQ for more information.

Blog Recommendations

Witchcraft

@breelandwalker

@badoccultadvice

@belladonnaswitchblog

@cunningcelt

@cosmic-witch

@cxnnxr-slxan

@da-at-ass

@death-witch-envy

@frankiezaltar

@hellboundwitch

@hylianshrinemaiden

@herbalburbal

@ioqayin

@intuitive-witch

@littledoomwitch

@magic-for-the-masses

@magicianmew

@nightkunoichi

@nerdywitchmomma

@orriculum

@oldmotherredcap

@phoenix-fire-witchcraft

@potato-witch

@qedavathegrey

@recreationalwitchcraft

@rainy-day-witchcraft

@rootandrock

@stormbornwitch

@stormwaterwitch

@spellboundwitchcraft

@thewitchexchange

@themoonmysteries

@thekitchenapothecary

@upthewitchypunx

@unmaskingthedivine

@visardistofelphame

@witchy-words

@witchy-woman

@wheelchairwitch

Divination

@a-lavender-moon

@alethiomancer

@afoolsgrace

@coffeeandtarot

@deathandtarot

@followthewindreadings

@intuitive-rose

@limoniume

@loganscove

@moondusttarot

@queenofchalices

@ravenmagill

@swampseer

@tarot-dreams

@tarot-cards-and-tea

Some of these blogs do overlap with witchcraft and divination, but these are people I follow and respect. If you have any questions please feel free to send me and ask or message me! That goes for anyone :)

#asks #witchcraft #wicca #witchcraft community #beginner #masterpost

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phynxrizng · 7 years

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THE HISTORY OF ANCIENT EGYPTIAN MAGICK

The History of Ancient Egyptian Magic

Library of Alexandria was one big facility that was the largest source of literary information and scholarly works during the middle Egyptian era.

A detailed study of ancient Egyptian religious literature provides us tons and loads of useful information on the topic of witchcraft and divine powers. Magic, sorceries and spells also formed an inalienable part of ancient Egyptian society.

Firm belief in magical spells, recitations and various other occult procedures made people to produce supernatural results and heavenly effects.

The Belief in the Power of Magic An average Egyptian always believed in the power of magic to solve many of the most common problems relating to health, love, marriage, children, ghosts and evil spirits. The mysterious way and intensive care with which experts performed innumerable magic and occult ceremonies were amazing! As early as in the first phase of great Egyptian kingdoms, the art of practicing magic and spells was common among the royalty and ordinary citizens. There was a general belief that the earth has a very close relation with the ugly underworld, the sky and air with a countless numbers of visible and invisible beings, all of them either friendly and hospitable or enemy and inhospitable, depending on the conditions that were again favorable or unfavorable to men.

In the ancient Egypt, witchcraft was completely scientific and orderly. Though, it was heavily sprinkled with religious flavor, its practice was very precise, systematic, artistic and highly organized. Ancient mythologies religious texts, magic manual and occult sheets provided us an invaluable clue on the importance of occult science as a day-to-day activity. Egyptian witchcraft and occult practices also depend on various other subjects like alchemy, astrology, astronomy, herbal medicines and animal concoctions. The person who was a consistent practitioner was an expert, and he or she could proudly announce that there was the cream of the society.

The Fear of Magic and Protection Old world magic in Egypt did enforce a sort of profound fear among the ordinary people, who made it a point to purchase amulets, herbs, magic potions and other similar things from magicians and sorcerers; most of these things were purely for protecting the life, home, farm and other personal goods from those invincible ghosts and spirits. Magical procedures and practices insisted on “speaking right”, meaning that one needed to repeat the magic formula and utterances in the right manner and the same way, even to the tenor of the voice!

The Book of the Dead

The much celebrated Book of the Dead states that the main gates to distant, other world will never open to you, until you know your secret name or when you utter it an incorrect manner.

Egyptians were the first people to maintain and chronicle a number of superb books containing innumerable formulae, incantations, recitations, verses, poems, spells, charms and magical utterances for daily use and for special purposes. People found them very useful in the daily lives. One such tool was amulets that were very important for a number of purposes; amulets worn by the living people gave protection from ghosts and spirits, while when put on the dead souls, they saved them from bad influences. Amulets are those intuitive pieces of instruments made by using any materials and some of them carved with magical formulae. Amulets also came in a number of shapes and sizes like scarab and heart. Amulets also came in different forms just to protect different parts of the body.

Egyptian history is also a big book of magic and occult, as it the science of magic appears in details even during the era of Great Moses and his brother Aaron. Exodus provides a graphical detail of the intense duel between these two brothers; just remember the famous incident of stick turning into a snake. Moses’ influence also included such things as pest infestation, plagues, and darkness during the day and torrential rains in the entire Egyptian territories. Incidentally, the appearance of plague through out the country is a manifestation of God’s fury and punishment.

King Solomon was a magician indeed, as mentioned in the book, The Wisdom of Solomon. This book provides details on how God gave him special powers including the capability to perform magic and occult. King Solomon had a great power to control even the most powerful demons. King Solomon is also a known expert in exorcising ghosts from human bodies.

Solving Problems with Egyptian Magic Egyptian witchcraft and pharoanic magic had a profound influence on ordinary people, as they relied on such powers to provide them solutions to even the most difficult problems. Egyptian witchcraft also relied on a set of rigid and sound principles that controlled both mortal and immortal world. In essence, Egyptian witchcraft mainly aimed at creating:

Transfer of power heavenly, supernatural and surreal being to mortal men

Thus, the principles of Egyptian Pharaonic witchcraft enabled humans to get superhuman and supernatural strength and capacity, to become a mighty, powerful, original possessor of the supernatural powers.

The main goal of Egyptian witchcraft was to empower men with means and methods of making or compelling both demonic and friendly powers to do or perform what they wanted or wished, whether such forces wanted it or not!

Religion in Early Egypt Religion in Early Egypt had a profound and deep influence on the pharoanic magic practices and in fact, both existed side by side in a peaceful coexistence for many thousands of years. In reality, the magical powers exclusively belonged to men of religion and the one who was skilled in the art, science of magic was invincible, and his or her capacity was almost boundless and eternal. The domain of Egyptian witchcraft and occult was divine and surreal; a person who was an expert in the field was an immortal both by the deeds and by life.

Men of magic in Ancient Egypt used to utter or recite some important words in a systematic manner and deep intonation to heal sick people, by curing the incurable diseases, spell off the ghost residing in the body and restore the dead soul back into the physical body. They could even converse with the dead souls to provide them power to get rid of their guilt and sins to become saner bodies!

An ancient Egyptian magician or a sorcerer was proficient in many things like:

Enabling mortal humans to assume various others forms and their souls into weird animals and creatures Converting non living things and images to become living and making them act as per magician’s wishes To make powers of natures like wind, the rain, storms, hurricanes, rivers, sea, volcanoes, dangerous diseases and ultimate death, to work on behalf of a magician, and to make them wreak havoc and cause considerable trouble to all enemies Uttering the most powerful word of the day “thoth”, to which everyone gave respect including godly things To invoke most powerful gods to help them achieve things those are beyond normal people’s comprehension.

Ancient Egyptian religion was a wonderful mix of amazing gods, holy rituals and a fair amount of pure magic! It was surprising to see that Egyptians never differentiated between religion and magic! It id true as that well-known Egyptian writer, Clement, proudly said, “Egypt was the mother of magicians”! Ancient Egyptians also believed that the extreme power that lay behind magic and occult was heka. Old Egyptians also believed in one God who as eternal and omnipresent was unfathomable to human beings.

Neter was the name given to the unknown divine power and Neter means “god”, “divine”, “supreme”, “great”, “strength” and “renewal”

All old-world Egyptian magicians worked and performed magical rituals by identifying themselves with a particular deity or lesser god. In other words, a magician assumed the god form by attaching himself or herself with the god.Magic used quite a bit of things from the religion like utterances, holy chants and prayers. The polytheism of Egyptian religion meant that Neter himself manifested in those local and lesser deities.

Fact: The great Goddess Isis was solely responsible for the creative force of Neter, while the God Thoth was Neter’s intellectual repository and the God Horus was Neter’s strength! Did you know? That another name for magician was a theurgist or “god-worker?”

Old World Egyptian Magic Academicians from all over the world have proposed a theory that the ancient Egyptian magic is the precursor to almost all western magic and occult practices. Old Egyptian funerary books provide us a clue as to how a particular deity or god represented the dead souls! The power of magical words and utterances is a predominant feature of ancient Egyptian magical and occult practices. There was a firm belief that human beings could become deities or servants of gods; just have a look at those amazing texts, as Pyramid Texts or The Book of Dead, and you will understand how Egyptians perfected the art of magic and occult. Deities were seen as possessing heku, or magic, which is the cosmic power existing in the universe. Ancient Egyptian also believed that magic is the essential part of daily life and various religious practices that also relied on the aspects of divinity.

One of the amazing texts available in the world is the Coffin Text written exclusively for the dead to retain the magic that is already in the body and to gather more lately in the deceased stage.

Fact: Egyptians believed that a person had the ability to sit with the deity, when he or she possessed the memory to recite the names of all the gods and objects. In almost all cases, deceased soul was closely associated with the god Osiris. Ancient Egyptians also used a tool called historaloe to transit usefully to the afterlife, as did Osiris.

rites for the dead also relied on establishing a contact with the deity so that the after life journey was made successful by the men of magic.

The Most Important Magical Texts of the Pharoanic Era In Egyptian religious studies, the art of language and naming was also an important ritual and it carried tremendous power in ancient Egyptian philosophy. The goddess Isis was so successful in curing Ra’s snakebite with her magical powers. In the year 2700 BC, one of the oldest known texts described the god Ptah creating the mind and the word by using the power of magic. The god Thoth provided words of magic in the ancient Egyptian magic, Egyptians call their native language as those words spoken by gods, and the available hieroglyphic records mention this as the writing of the sacred words. Three most important religious and magic texts of ancient Egypt are:

The Pyramid Texts The Coffin Texts The Book of the Dead

All the above texts originate in the Egyptian pharoanic era of 3000BC to 2000BC. Words and names were the de facto standards for any magical ritual, while amazing lines of Hieroglyphs exerted a special effect along with magical powers. No wonder most of the funeral texts found written in hieroglyphs.

The Later Years During the succeeding years of 2700BC and 1500BC, the Egyptians used heka, the magic to provide many benefits and advantages to the world. Many symbolic actions of heka exerted harmonious and useful effects. The most common practitioners of magic were the local priests, whom with their secret knowledge and skills, could yield considerable influence over the residents. They could also use ancient texts and treatise of magic preserved in local temples and libraries. Legends say that these men of knowledge could even inanimate objects to life and turn over the waters from a lake!

Royal lector priests also had a special role to play to protect pharaohs from evil influences and they even initiated procedures to help the deceased pharaohs to rebirth and reincarnation. By the end of first millennium BC, local priests gave away their sacred duties to professional magicians, also called hekau. However, the temple priests exerted tremendous capacity to heal dangerous disease like plague that was set on the earth by the god of plague, Sekhmet.

Egyptian history also gave shelter to low-level charmers and magicians called scorpion charmers, who used magic to get rid of poisonous reptiles like snakes, scorpions, lizards and insects. Surprisingly, even nurses and midwives also proved useful with their considerable magic skills in getting rid of many maternity related problems. Another class of practitioners of magic was ‘protection-makers’, who provided an efficient tool called Amulet; these people could be either male or female. Curiously, none of the magical techniques was rejected, either by the royal court or by priests.

Fact: The ancient Egyptians had plenty of both religion and surreal magic in their life; most of the Egyptians had two names against them, one for the public, while the other secret and known only by the mother. If you knew someone’s private name, you could easily perform magic against him or her.

Destructive Magic in Historic Ancient Times Even though, magic was a daily routine for the purpose of healing and protecting people, many Egyptians also made it a point to use destructive magic technique to control and maim state enemies. When a destructive magic session was required to bring spell of bad tidings to the enemies of the state, their name was inscribed in clay pots, tablets figurines, toys and metal icons and later burned or broken or even buries in a remote cemetery.

In the major temples across the land, there were regular curse ceremonies to curse enemies of deities by burning or maiming their images. Above all the fiercest gods of the cosmos joined to fight and destroy bad and demonic influences. During this period, those people, who hated or despised the pharaohs, were also cursed and ostracized to provide protection to the royal court. Legend says that a divine magic protected King Ramses III, by royal priests by making a series of potions, spells, verses, recitations and wax figurines and later cursing them with magical procedures.

Other popular objects used for magical spells were hair, nail clips, foot dust and body fluids. These items were the sole medium by which a bad magician or a sorcerer could use spells and to help people. In fact, using a magical procedure by using the above-mentioned materials was mandatory, otherwise a spell would not work.

SOURCE, EGYPTIAN WITCHCRAFT.COM

REPOSTED BY, PHYNXRIZNG

#education #Egyptians magick #Egypt #PHYNXRIZNG

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