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tizniz · 2 months

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putting this under a cut because it's gonna get dark but also just...need to type this.

so. if for some bizarre reason you choose to read this, read with caution. or skip over. probably better if you skip past this and carry on.

a fun thing to realize on this 'lovely' monday night or tuesday now is just how few people would actually genuinely care if i disappeared. if any.

what brought this on you might ask, not that anyone is asking? well besides the normal horrid thoughts that run through my head on a constant basis, my mind decide to bring up the memory of when i was cleaning houses. and it was one of our regulars. and it was the same bathroom i always started in. and i got a message from someone who used to be an incredibly close friend. the message was saying that she was being committed because she had tried to commit suicide and was going to be gone for a bit. i sent replies but they went unanswered. i stood in that bathroom numb with fear and terror and a broken heart. i didn't hear from her for a week. i'll add that she's fine and happy now, with a partner and living a good life. we don't talk anymore because she's pulled away but i want nothing but good for her.

and that memory had me thinking about people if i were to disappear. and i just...i don't really have anyone?

what about family maybe, is what a normal person would ask, right? well. i just talked to my one brother for the first time on the phone since i saw him in person at the beginning of october because our relationship has became so strained. despite him and i being probably the closest in our family. my other brother i've talked to on the phone probably less than 10 times in our entire lives. there's a large age difference and it isn't until the last like...5 years we've developed any sort of relationship. i still know very little of his life tbh. mother? nope. i've been remembering things (a little, barely) from my childhood that are making me realize how bad our relationship truly is. a child should not feel as if their mother resents and regrets having them. that is how i feel. father? even worse. talk on the phone once a month, but only for six months of the year because he goes down south and can't dare to spend that extra penny, for maybe five minutes because he has this 'list' of things he discusses.

i genuinely do not have anyone in my life. work would miss me because i do so much but they'd replace me. and the only real life friend i have is hours away on the island and also married with 3 kids. we don't talk that often.

i know i have people here online that i talk to, but no one who really knows me?? and really, they'd move on. don't lie -- you would. i'm just a passing boat in your life. and look, i know part of it is on me for not letting people in, but that's because there's a lot of shit and no one really wants that. they want the fun and happy stuff. they don't want the dark and bitter stuff. learned that the hard way. multiple times. my heart can only take so much.

so i guess it just...sucks? realizing exactly how alone you are. and how much that sucks.

because no one would really know if i disappeared. no one really checks in. and i can't even fault anyone. i don't fault anyone. because i know everyone has their lives. and they're doing their own thing. and i'd never fault anyone for that anyways. i love seeing y'all live your lives.

but i know no one really cares about how difficult it was for me to get out of bed this weekend. how i wanted to just lay there and fall asleep and not wake up. and how much i'm dreading the long weekend coming up this weekend because it's one extra day of going through this. no one really cares about the scars on my skin or the itch i get to add new marks on a constant basis. bad enough that i had to buy new sheets because my old ones were stained with blood. no one really cares about the tightness in my chest that comes from the fear i face every day. no one really cares about the aches and pains i face every day because my body is basically shutting down. no one cares that i barely eat during the day. no one really cares, period.

and i'm not mad. i'm not.

i'm just...i'm tired. i'm so tired. and it was a gut punch to realize that no one would care if i disappeared forever. maybe for a little bit they would, but then they'd move on. and i don't blame anyone. really. i can't blame anyone.

i know i'm a lot. i'm too much. or not enough. or some odd mixture of both. i'm exhausting and tiring and can be overwhelming. it doesn't matter how many pieces of me i cut away to appease people. they always leave because of me.

i guess i'm just...ready to go away? to disappear and be done with it?

feels like the better option at this point.

i'm almost too tired to continue on.

i dunno.

#tanis rambles #trigger warning for...everything?#i dunno #don't read this basically #will more than likely delete this

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cozylittleartblog · 2 months

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cant tell you how bad it feels to constantly tell other artists to come to tumblr, because its the last good website that isn't fucked up by spoonfeeding algorithms and AI bullshit and isn't based around meaningless likes

just to watch that all fall apart in the last year or so and especially the last two weeks

there's nowhere good to go anymore for artists.

edit - a lot of people are saying the tags are important so actually, you'll look at my tags.

#please dont delete your accounts because of the AI crap. your art deserves more than being lost like that #if you have a good PC please glaze or nightshade it. if you dont or it doesnt work with your style (like mine) please start watermarking #use a plain-ish font. make it your username. if people can't google what your watermark says and find ur account its not a good watermark #it needs to be central in the image - NOT on the canvas edges - and put it in multiple places if you are compelled #please dont stop posting your art because of this shit. we just have to hope regulations will come slamming down on these shitheads#in the next year or two and you want to have accounts to come back to. the world Needs real art #if we all leave that just makes more room for these scam artists to fill in with their soulless recycled garbage #improvise adapt overcome. it sucks but it is what it is for the moment. safeguard yourself as best you can without making #years of art from thousands of artists lost media. the digital world and art is too temporary to hastily click a Delete button out of spite

#not art #but important #please dont delete your accounts because of the AI crap. your art deserves more than being lost like that #if you have a good PC please glaze or nightshade it. if you dont or it doesnt work with your style (like mine) please start watermarking #use a plain-ish font. make it your username. if people can't google what your watermark says and find ur account its not a good watermark #it needs to be central in the image - NOT on the canvas edges - and put it in multiple places if you are compelled #please dont stop posting your art because of this shit. we just have to hope regulations will come slamming down on these shitheads #in the next year or two and you want to have accounts to come back to. the world Needs real art #if we all leave that just makes more room for these scam artists to fill in with their soulless recycled garbage #improvise adapt overcome. it sucks but it is what it is for the moment. safeguard yourself as best you can without making #years of art from thousands of artists lost media. the digital world and art is too temporary to hastily click a Delete button out of spite

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sirnlish · 2 months

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Personal rant. Read it or not just need to vent.

Honestly so fucking sick of the kicks in the gut we constantly get. Every day I wake up sick to my stomach wondering if today is the day the narcissist wins and my family is completely destroyed. My mental health is taking a serious fucking toll. I’m constantly exhausted. Constantly drained. The demons are actually fucking winning.

#*#txt #nonsims #shitsirnlishing #personal post #will more than likely delete this #I’m just broken #defeated

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solarpunkani · 1 year

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You know what, while I'm doing hot takes. And this one may be obvious considering I'm actively contributing to hosting the Solarpunk Aesthetic Week event but like.

Dear everyone who's constantly deriding the aesthetic portions of the solarpunk movement/genre; do you just not understand that being able to visualize the future you want is immensely important to being able to work towards it? Being able to get other people on board with it?

When I first got interested in Solarpunk, it wasn't for the hot leftist takes about the top ways to dismantle the government for the people, or top tips on how to build your own solar panel apparatuses. What brought me in? Visions of a hopeful future. I learned and began to love the rest as I dove deeper into solarpunk circles, but there is no denying that my first intro to it--and likely many people's first intro to it--was via the art and aesthetic spheres. The term 'solarpunk' was literally coined to refer to the aesthetic movement, and we've been building up from there ever since.

'When are people going to realize the aesthetic parts don't matter and what really matters is praxis--' dude, the aesthetic parts do matter. Inspiring people does matter. Showing people visions of a hopeful future is immensely important, it's why so many people join this movement. We see glimpses of what a hopeful future could look like, through beautiful art or riveting stories, we're inspired by things like stained glass and organic designs and statues and fashion concepts--and then we think to ourselves 'how can we help make this future happen?' And we learn the praxis and we work towards the goals and we share it with others because that's just how we work.

Seeing isn't always believing, but sometimes in order to believe in something with your whole heart, it helps to be able to visualize what you want. For yourself and for others.

So yes. The aesthetic parts of solarpunk do matter. Thank you for coming to my TEDTalk.

#solarpunk #out of queue #ani rambles #honestly in my opinion if the younger me saw posts saying shit like 'the aesthetic part of solarpunk is stupid and unimportant'#that would have chased me away more than anything.#A movement like this? the last thing we want is to chase people away! We want people to get excited!#We want people to get on board eagerly and wholeheartedly!#Yes I'm sure some people got into solarpunk praxis-first aesthetic-later (or maybe even aesthetic-never)#But that's no reason to deride the people who got in here aesthetic-first praxis-later #solarpunk is beautiful BECAUSE there's so many ways to learn about it and visualize it #anyways everyone get hype about solarpunk aesthetic week a month from now!!!#honestly might delete later who knows

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bixels · 3 months

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Jesus man, relax.

#this was in response to me saying “lunar new year” on the rarity art #personal #delete later #what in insane nonproblem to get this angry about #i asked my parents (taiwanese immigrants) about this and they said we use either but prefer lunar new year #because it's inclusive to koreans and vietnamese people who celebrate on the same day #lunar new year is an umbrella term same as “happy holidays.” this person is basically getting mad i said happy holidays instead of #merry christmas.#my family and i identify more as taiwanese than chinese so. we're not gonna say chinese new year much anyways #i sent this to my mom btw and she replied with basically “die mad i guess.” love you ma #this literally doesn't matter anyways i could have said “chinese new year” to caption that post and it wouldn't have mattered #the only reason i didn't is because i plan on drawing another art including carol (coco pommel) who's korean and celebrates the same day #like. most people in china/taiwan don't care they just say “happy new year” cuz it's the fuckin new year. someone saying lunar new year is #not erasure it's not flattening asian identities into a monolith. it's just an umbrella term.#anyways happy lunar new year happy chinese new year happy tet happy spring festival happy seollal #like i cannot stress enough to you guys that these holidays are on the exact same day and celebrate basically the same exact thing.#this is not an issue.

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love-is-a-pearl · 1 month

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HERE THEY ARE!!! FINALLY!!!

My designs for everyone's aged up looks! As well as their bios here👀

#i can finally post all the drawings I have with them now #pokeani #anipoke #pokemon future #pokemon anime #aged up characters #|→ friendships are diamonds #i still have some things to include and whatnot #and somethings may change specially if legends za give me anything good like new megas but i doubt I will change much more than poke teams #unless the anime brings back ash then in that case i will just delete everything and sob in a corner in pure spite #unpopular opinion i want him to never come back #|→ pokemon: future

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markscherz · 5 months

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you’re super good at taking selfies congrats

and we haven't even scratched the surface

#gpoyt #selfie #my face #that thing on the front of my skull #not shown: literally thousands of shit tester selfies that I have never gotten around to deleting #the thing is #I like taking selfies #but I usually really hate posting them #because it seems much more self-serving than the rest of my social media activity #so they just kind of #accumulate #unposted #on my phone #which is dumb #so here is a small dump of a few #answers by Mark #larkiethings

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arealtrashact · 10 months

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Look again at that pale blue dot. On it, everyone you love, everyone you know, everyone you've ever heard of, every human being who ever was. The aggregate of our joy and suffering. Every hero and coward, every creator and destroyer of civilization, every king and every peasant. Every saint and sinner in the history of your species lived there. On a mote of dust suspended in a sunbeam. . .

#Homelander #The Boys #Happy fourth of July #remember to leave milk and cookies out for Him (but mainly Milk)#this artwork is old but I still like it...#inspired by this Carl Sagan quote but also by the alleged deleted scene where Homelander is in space - staring menacingly down at Earth #I know it was meant to be a threatening / haunting scene but...#I think Homelander's relationship with Earth / Humans is a little more complex than that #my art

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bonesblubs · 5 months

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I’ll never get over that it took just one strangers small moment of kindness to change Xie Lians path. All of the suffering he went through, all of the despair, the disillusionment, all not forgotten or even forgiven, but reconciled. All because one person, not Hua Cheng, not family, not his ex friends, not his people, reached back to him when he’d been starting to lower his own hand in defeat. It’s possibly my favorite and most meaningful part of TGCF for me, because for me it stops being about these two guys who were meant for each other and were impossibly lucky enough to have found each other, and becomes a story about a person who had lost his way in his world so thoroughly that he lost himself, only to be found and put back on his feet by that same world that he mourned so terribly. His world stops being a concept of scale of numbers, black and white, good and bad, and becomes about the individual. What he can do to help individuals, the connections he can make with them. Their histories, their names, their faces. Inside each person is it’s own world. He’d been knocked off his pedestal, and the fall hurt to the point of breaking. But now that he’s risen to his feet, he’s able to look all these people in the eye, and they’re so much taller than he’d seen before.

#not art #bones rants #you can disagree this was just my feeling on itttt #bc I feel like we’ve all maybe been in that moment of despair where you’re at rock bottom #and someone somewhere that has no bearing on you offers a small bit of kindness for nothing more than to do it because it’s right #and that despair doesn’t retreat #but now it must make room for the hope that lives beside it #as you grow around both #okay maybe I’m projecting #to delete later

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meownotgood · 9 days

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haha hey so apparently someone stole my whole fic... copy and pasted except for tiny things changed... here is the link to their """fic""" (sorry random person I had to steal the reblog from). they've since deleted the fic off their blog + deleted their ao3 + gone on a hiatus so..... that's cool and whatever....... but they have written a lot of other shit so... don't be a dick but maybe check that for funny business too...

#yall I am literally #I don't even know what to say LMFAO #their fic before they deleted it had more notes than mine....... like what.....#I've never had this happen before so I'm just.... in awe........#is leon similar to aki or something I don't know this man. who are you #it sucks so much too because that fic of mine #is probably my favorite fic I ever wrote #I poured so much love into it #so many little aspects of aki's character that I enjoyed fleshing out #and to just have it stolen #like if you stole a shitty drabble I wouldn't be as wounded but to steal 20k words of love.....#that's messed up man........#I'm laughing at this but also. crying inside a little #thank you to the person who told me about this because since they deleted it it would be really hard to know otherwise #yeah........... yeah.....

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chiricat · 7 months

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souyuri (again)

#might delete later dunno. or maybe just the second img #souyo yuri was driving me crazy today idk whay happened #souyo #souji seta #yu narukami #yosuke hanamura #p4 #persona 4 #persona #shuake mizuan joke only makes sense if you play prsk and persona. i apologize #also i swapped them because an matches joker more than akechi #cat’s art #shuake is so. ghhh like i want to shuake but i always feel like it has to be super cool and grandiose and stuff like that #but i don't feel cool enough IDK this is a silly ramble this will definitely be gone in a few days #ik comparing isn't always a good thing but i just feel silly putting my silly potential shuakes out there next to all the cool ones

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spacy-snail · 5 days

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People are real quick to do a complete 180 and forgive Watcher after making the most basic backtracking statement they could’ve made

Like I know the standard for YouTube apologies is fucking 6 feet in the ground but like, it’s the most basic PR statement they could’ve given

Am I glad they apologized? Yes. Do I think they regret it? Yes. Do I think it was for the reasons we hope (aka caring about the fans)? No. Do I think they were sincere about their reasoning? No.

I think it comes back to why they were willing to make this decision in the first place: money

And to the parasocial people who are fighting for their lives to defend them, just remember that they were ready to drop you and whoever wasn’t willing to dish out $6 so they could travel around the world, continue living in one of the most expensive cities in the the country, and drive their Teslas around

#will probably delete later #but I deadass saw someone defending them say Tesla’s were the same amount as every other car #my homie in Christ the cheapest Tesla model is $20k more than the same model at somewhere like Mazda #please get your heads out of their asses Jesus Christ #watcher #ryan bergara #shane madej #steven lim #snail scribbles

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paper-mario-wiki · 1 month

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Do you get thirsty asks at all? (are you okay with it?)

i do! i do not respond to them, but i'd be lying if i told you i DIDN'T enjoy receiving little love letters. it's cute! and it feels nice.

#anon #i will never turn off anon for things like this. cuz most of the ones i get ARE anonymous.#i am more than happy to delete the bad stuff to allow that freedom to the people with good intentions. like for stuff like this!

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itzitxou · 1 year

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