#who loves him so much that Cordelia could tell he was having a breakdown writing the report where Miles was killed in action

[regallibellbright]

“You should go to a hospital.”

“You”--Miles eyed him--”have just lost your authority over my actions. May I remind you. Simon.”

Miles has just been fired by someone who is functionally his uncle, who he called “Uncle” until he entered the Imperial Service nine years ago. Simon’s clearly broken up about this and would have taken any possible out if Miles had given him one. Simon also just witnessed Miles have a seizure in front of him. (Simon also, as family to the Vorkosigans in all but name AND Imperial spymaster, has to be aware of the fact that Miles is a suicide risk right now.) He may have had to fire Miles, but he clearly still cares a lot.

Miles responds by switching back to first-name basis just to twist the knife on that line. It’s awful.

#suicide mention #attempted suicide mention #to be more specific knowing what's about to happen #i guess this is a vorkosigan saga liveblog now #vorkosigan saga #memory #miles naismith vorkosigan #is an impetuous little shit here and is damned lucky Simon cares so much #the self-destruction and lashing out at other people has already begun and it began with Ivan earlier #Simon Ilyan #who is the only commanding officer who could have possibly put up with Miles because only family could ever stand it #who loves him so much that Cordelia could tell he was having a breakdown writing the report where Miles was killed in action #because for once he was euphemising and dodging the point and doing everything he could to avoid saying 'Miles was killed in action' #who seriously. if he hadn't cut someone's legs off with a plasma arc due to this. if he hadn't LIED about it. #if he hadn't passed up EVERY POSSIBLE OPPORTUNITY to save himself. Simon would have tried for Miles. #who is Aral Vorkosigan's liegesworn vassal in all but name not just because of the political reasons but PERSONALLY and everyone knows it #who we all know what's coming up yeah? The good news is Miles is going to redeem himself hard for that 'Simon.' soon enough #but knowing what's coming just makes it hit even harder. OUCH Miles.

[alastaircarstairsdefenselawyer]

i am not a hero pt 2: all will be well

Part 1 | Fanfiction Masterlist | AO3

A/N: Sorry this took so long! Warnings: descriptions of racism, mentions of alcoholism

"Thank the angel you're all here," Cordelia exhaled as she arrived in the room about the Devil's Tavern. "Have you heard? Alastair was-" She stopped herself as she surveyed the room, registering the looks the Merry Thieves were giving her. "Oh, no. No, no, no." She turned to James. "Tell me you didn't have anything to do with this." 

"Daisy-" 

"Tell me!" 

"I can't lie to you." 

She stumbled backwards, her heart shattered. James reached for her, but she protested. "No! Don't touch me! You can’t lie to me? All you have done is lie, apparently. You didn't... You didn't even tell me... I thought we were doing this together... I was such a fool.”

"Cordelia, you know we had to keep it from you," Matthew explained. "You're rather... overprotective." 

She laughed. "Overprotective? I care for him, Matthew, because he's my brother. I know him as well as I know myself, though I understand if that's confusing for you, seeing as you've never had a brother worth caring for." 

"Cordelia," James said sternly, a warning. "We understand that you're upset-" 

"Upset? You have betrayed me! You could have told me the truth, and I would have helped you. I would have shown you alibi, I would proven to you with evidence that it was not him-" 

"If there is evidence, it will be presented before the courts, and all will be well." 

"You don't get it! You don't. You- I thought all this time that it was me. That I didn't understand the world or society or friendship or... marriage because I was raised isolated from the Clave by an inattentive, narcissistic drunkard." She enunciated each other her final words with all of the vitriol she'd been suppressing since her father arrived in London. "But I was wrong. It was you. You all... You live in a fantasy world, one that your parents created for you. And that's fine. that's good for you, I'm glad that the people in your life were capable and willing to do that for you. But the world does not work the same for all of us." 

"Really, Cordelia? You wish to speak of the world and how it works for -- and against -- each of us?" Matthew challenged. 

She resisted the urge to roll her eyes. “Whatever do you mean, Matthew?” 

“You, what? Don’t believe we know what it’s like to be prejudiced against? Would you have said the same while Alastair himself was ridiculing James for his parentage or me for my… presumed sexual proclivities?” 

Cordelia gawked. "That was over four years ago, Matthew! He said foolish things and he regrets them, yet you continue to live in the past. Not only do you hold mistakes you all made as children over his head, but you dare compare your experience to his? You can go anywhere, do anything, without anyone knowing what you do with your nights. Perhaps you wear that carnation, but you can take it off, Matthew. So, James’ eyes are golden. Tell me, James, when you were eight years old, were you kicked out of the general store because the townspeople believed you to be stealing for no reason other than your golden eyes?” 

James was silent. 

“So, please, tell me again how you understand what it’s like to walk in my brother’s shoes.” She turned back to Matthew. “You were given everything, Matthew. You have all the money you could ever dream of. Your parents love you unconditionally. You choose to live your life openly. Perhaps you should not need to choose, but you do, and it is a privilege to be able to make such a choice so freely, knowing that you will continue to be safe and cared for. Not everyone has such luxuries. My brother no longer even has a choice; you have taken it from him." 

Silence had fallen over the room. The boys had always understood that they were very lucky in life, just as they had understood, on some level, the ways that their parents had been unlucky. However, it was easy to live a lucky life and forget to consider how those around oneself may not afford the same privileges. James looked to her finally. "What... What do you mean by that? What choice?”

She turned to him with a blank expression, then sighed. "I suppose the whole Clave will know soon, anyways. As you know, with the memory magic being used, the Clave needs alibis. Alastair has only got one, and I can’t imagine it will end well for him." She turned to Matthew and sighed, "You and your brother have been given everything. I have no doubt in my mind that Charles will not be held at all responsible for the realities of their affair. He will continue with his life unscathed, to marry whomever he chooses, to obtain any position he chooses, to live whatever life he chooses, just as James would have even if he had not married me. Because that is how the world works. Alastair will be seen as the one who persuaded him into such proclivities.” She paused before muttering under her breath, “Not to mention that I haven't the slightest idea of what will happen when my father learns the truth.” She took a breath and continued, “So, to make a long story short, James, no, I do not believe all will be well.” 

“Cordelia,” he started, “you must believe that we had no intention of exposing anyone’s personal affairs. It was not personal at all; we are only trying to put an end to this mess.” 

“Well, congratulations, James. An innocent man has been arrested, your killer still walks free, and my family is in ruins. I believe you have accomplished quite a lot.” Her eyes scanned the room. Matthew looked to be in a state of shock, Christopher in confusion, but her eyes settled on Thomas, his head hung low, his face turned away. “I… I may not have expected this, but I can believe it well enough. But, you, Thomas? How could you?” 

He looked up at her, tears on his flushed cheeks. “Cordelia, I-” 

“Tell me, was any of it real? Did you ever truly intend to be my brother’s friend, or was it all just ploy for your little detective game?”

He shook his head. “Sort of, at first, but-” 

“I trusted you!” She yelled before restraining her anger. “He trusted you. After everything, after Charles and- I thought that finally, finally my brother had someone in his life who was kind and gentle and caring. Someone honest and trustworthy, but it was all a lie. You used him, too.” 

“Cordelia, I- I’m so sorry.” 

“You are not who I thought you were." Her words echoing ones that Thomas had once spoken. Unlike Thomas,’ however, her realization held no trace of anger or upset. No, her words were spoken only in true fear.

Seemingly finished with the boys’ stunned silence, she took a breath. “If you will excuse me, I must take my leave. James, my mother and I shall be staying at the Institute for the time being, so it would be in your best interest to avoid it as much as possible. There’s not much of a point in continuing this sham of a marriage, seeing as I haven’t got a reputation to save, so I will write to the Consul first thing tomorrow morning requesting a divorce. Then, you shall have what you always dreamed: you will be rid of my family and I forever.” 

“Wait-” James cried, his voice breaking. 

“You are dead to me, James Herondale.” 

Without waiting for a reply, she darted out of the room. 

The four boys were left, staring at one another. Thomas unsuccessfully attempted to stifle his tears while James looked to be on the verge of a complete breakdown, his torso trembling. 

“What, are you two bloody heartbroken now?” Matthew mused. 

Thomas slammed his fist on the table loud enough to alert the whole establishment. “Fuck, Matthew! Shut up!” 

“Thomas, you found the bloodied dagger and Ms. Highsmith’s necklace in his bedroom yourself. We saw him walking around downtown the nights of the Gladstone and Beauvale murders. Whatever Cordelia claims, I truly don’t think we’re wrong about this.” 

“And what if we are?” Thomas challenged. 

“It could have been planted,” Christopher offered. “And there could be many reasons that he was out those nights. After all, we were, too.” 

“Which reasons, Christopher? Have you ever seen him in a bar? He doesn’t even drink. He’s hardly more than a lowly shut-in.” 

“His father does,” James said quietly. 

Matthew glared. “What?” 

“His father drinks. I don’t… I don’t know a lot about it all, but it would follow that if Elias were out drinking again and did not come home, Alastair would be the one to go out looking for him.”

Matthew groaned. “Fine, if we are truly pursuing this, then what? We’ve got maybe half a day if we’re lucky before Alastair is to go before the Mortal Sword.” 

“Then we have half a day to find the true culprit,” Thomas announced, regaining his resolve. 

“If Alastair is our only lead at the moment, we must pursue it,” Kit offered. “Who could have planted it on him? What motive would they have to frame him? Who would have had access to his bedroom?” 

“Well, I can answer one of your questions,” Matthew said nonchalantly. “Who wouldn’t want to frame Alastair Carstairs for murder?” 

“Matthew, if you’re not going to be helpful, please be quiet,” Thomas said in his usual gentle but stern manner, though the complete opposite of the last time he’d asked his friend to be quiet. “Sona is nearly always home; it would be very difficult for someone to enter the house uninvited and not be seen. As Matthew put it, Alastair is a bit of a shut-in, but he’s clearly been going out more, especially at night, since his father has returned. Sona’s been having trouble sleeping as of late, though, so even getting access to his bedroom at night would be difficult. They’ve only one servant, Risa, so there’s truly not many folks moving about the house regularly.” 

“Since when are you on a first-name basis with Mrs. Carstairs?” Christopher commented in confusion, and Thomas blushed. 

“What do you recommend, then?” Matthew asked. 

“Kit is correct, it’s our only lead. We must return to Cornwall Gardens. If we’re lucky, they may have left something behind, or perhaps there’s some sort of record of visitors to the house.” 

James looked uneasy. “This seems wrong. Maybe we can still go after Cordelia-” 

“There’s no time, James,” Thomas admitted. “She’s too angry with us. I’m no happier about it than you are, but if there is any way that we could possibly fix this, we must do it.” 

He nodded. “Let’s go, then.” 

“Won’t there be people at the house?” Christopher asked. “The sun has not even set yet.” 

Thomas sighed. “Cordelia is taking Sona to the Institute, and I’d imagine Risa is accompanying them, at least for the initial journey until she is settled. Elias is just a risk we’ll have to take.” 

As they ventured out, however, they were not even out the doors of the tavern before Thomas stopped in his tracks. If looks could kill, Matthew would have murdered Thomas several times over by now. “Elias is here,” he whispered. 

“What?” James narrowed his eyes. 

“One of us should stay here and keep an eye on him, make sure he doesn’t return to Cornwall Gardens until it’s been cleared. Besides, I don’t want him interfering with Cordelia’s plans, either.” 

“Are you volunteering, then?” Matthew asked. 

Thomas thought for a moment. “I suppose so. I’ve done my searching already; it’s better to have some fresh eyes. You and James know the layout of the house well enough.” 

“Very well,” Christopher declared. “Thomas, I shall send you a magical letter when we are finished at the Carstairs residence.” 

Thomas narrowed his eyes with worry. “Please don’t. I’m rather weary of fire.” 

“Nonsense. The fire’s not important; it’s a magical letter.” 

“It’s a magical letter that you send by lighting it on fire! It should be called a fire letter!” 

“Fire letter,” Christopher hummed. “No, that’s not quite right. No, fire message! I shall send you a fire message, Thomas!” 

“Alright,” Thomas whined. “You all should go, we haven’t got much time.” 

“Thomas, are you sure you want to stay here?” James asked. 

“I’ll be fine. He’s a drunk; I’d be surprised if he even stood up before you lot were finished. I just want to make sure.” 

James gave him a short nod, and they took their leave. Thomas settled down at a corner table, pulling out a notebook from his pocket and pretending to be fixated on it while he kept his eye on Elias at the bar. 

Just his luck, and much to his surprise, Elias stood to leave not long after the rest of the Merry Thieves had departed. Thomas waited for a moment after he left, and then went out after him. He stepped out onto the street, looking for a sign of where Elias had gone, but he quickly saw only darkness as a cloth was wrapped around his eyes and nose and he was subdued, quickly losing consciousness. 

A/N: I also just wanted to clarify a couple of things, I believe that the Clave will come to certain conclusions and Charles will not refute them, not that he would create the lies himself. These conclusions make sense to me, not only because Charles is a white boy who is seen as an “insider” (which they would try to rationalize), but because orientalist beliefs have hypersexualized the Middle East for centuries, associating MENA with “deviant” male homosexuality. This is believed to be one of the (many) reasons queerness is rejected so thoroughly in the MENA today, and I think it’s important to consider how ideas like orientalism impacted lives in historical fiction, although the concept had not been coined or studied yet.

taglist (lmk to be added!): @littlx-songbxrd

#cw alcoholism #cw racism #cordelia carstairs #alastair carstairs #thomas lightwood #james herondale #fanfiction #fanfic #anti charles fairchild #anti elias carstairs #carstairs sibling supremacy

[queenofcats17]

The Intern

Audio logs from Cordelia Bell, music department intern and devoted fan of Sammy Lawrence. 

The assface part comes from here

Voice of Cordelia Bell

I can’t believe it! I’m really working at Joey Drew Studios! I’ve been dreaming about this day since I was a little kid, and it’s finally here! I know it’s going to be a lot of hard work, but I’m ready to roll up my sleeves and do what I have to. Mr. Lawrence is nicer than everyone says he is. Mr. Drew says I’ll be working under him since none of the other interns want to. Mr. Drew was really surprised when I said I wanted to work with Mr. Lawrence, but he seemed kind of glad too. Mr. Lawrence is very demanding, so I guess I can understand why a lot of the other interns are scared. But I’ve been writing him for years. I came here to work for him. I’m not going to give up on my dream now. Mr. Lawrence says he’s not going to give me special treatment just because we’ve been writing each other for awhile. I told him I never expected anything different from him and he smiled. Miss Campbell is really nice too, and I love hearing her do lines and sing. Oh! And Mr. Ross said I had a good work ethic! Mostly I’ve just been getting coffee for everyone, filling up the ink wells, getting Mr. Lawrence or Mr. Ross or the other animators paper, but he says I’ve been working real hard and he appreciates that. I think I’m really going to like it here.

.

.

Voice of Cordelia Bell

So, it’s been a couple of months, and things are still going pretty well. Mr. Drew’s been acting a little strange though. I...I’m not sure how to explain it. Nothing’s wrong, it’s just....Something’s a little off. Of course, something’s always a little off when it comes to Mr. Drew, so I guess I shouldn’t be all that worried. Everyone is really nice here. When I have anxiety attacks, Mr. Polk lets me sit in the corner in the band room and just listen to the band. It helps a lot. And Miss Campbell, sorry, Miss Susie has been giving me voice lessons when we have free time. She says I could really go places someday! I’m happy here for now, though. Someday I’ll go back to school, finish college, but for now I’m happy where I am. We need the money, after all. Roy’s surgeries won’t pay for themselves. N-Not that I’m resentful of him or anything! I’m really not. It’s just tough sometimes. Anyway, Mr. Lawrence has been a good boss so far, if a bit strict. Nothing I can’t handle though. Oh! Want to know something funny? Sometimes he just writes Assface on the paper instead of a song, and then I have to deliver it to the band! I always feel bad for the poor musicians. They always look so confused.

.

.

Voice of Cordelia Bell

Mr. Ross got drafted, and Mr. Drew got really mad about it. I don’t know why he got so angry, it’s not like Mr. Ross can get out of it. I’ll keep that to myself, though. Everyone in the studio heard the two of them yelling at each other. I didn’t even want to go upstairs in case I ran into them. Then Mr. Ross stormed out. I don’t think he’s going to be coming back. I’m scared. I’ve never seen Mr. Drew this angry before. Mr. Lawrence says it’ll pass, that everything will be fine, but I don’t know if he actually believes that. I think he’s scared too. Then, when I went upstairs to give Mr. Drew his coffee, he said something really weird. He said, ‘You aren’t going to leave me, are you Cordelia?’ There was this....This look in his eyes. I’ve never seen him look like that before. He had a book open on his desk, and I swear I saw some kind of....sigil in there. Like a daemonic sigil or something. I think something is about to go very wrong.

.

.

Voice of Cordelia Bell

Mr. Drew brought in this...ink machine from a man named Murray Hill. I don’t know what exactly it’s supposed to do. It’s big and ugly and the pipes keep bursting. The music department’s flooded at least three times in the past week alone. Mr. Lawrence is getting fed up with it and he’s gone to complain more than once. Mr. Drew keeps brushing it off though. I’ve been going up to deliver the complaints lately since Mr. Lawrence might lose his job if he says some of his complaints to Mr. Drew’s face. I’m expendable, Mr. Lawrence isn’t. Miss Susie says I shouldn’t worry so much, but I can’t help it. These people are like family to me. I don’t want any of them to suffer. The smell of ink here is getting to be overpowering. I don’t know how much longer I can stand it.

.

.

Voice of Cordelia Bell

I’m starting to get really scared now. People have been leaving the studio faster than they can get hired. The studio has been flooding even more, and I think Mr. Lawrence is on his way to a complete mental breakdown. Wally got fired last week for forgetting his keys for the millionth time. That’s probably the most normal thing that’s happened in the past few weeks, but I wish he hadn’t left. I need someone else to confide in. Mr. Lawrence has been so on edge that I don’t want to burden him any more than he already is, and Miss Susie is always busy. At least I can hide in the music room if things get really bad. Mr. Polk has been really nice about everything. Honestly, I don’t know how much longer I can do this. I don’t look forward to coming to work anymore. I dread every day I have to wake up and come here. Something bad is happening. I have to get out. But how am I supposed to tell Mr. Drew? He’ll go crazy if I try to leave, I just know it! I have to find some way out.

.

.

Voice of Cordelia Bell

I tried to commit suicide yesterday. It was a mistake, I know, but I was just so scared. I don’t know why I’m even recording this. I just want to talk it out, I guess. Everyone from the studio came and visited. Roy called them and told them what happened. They were all really worried. Mr. Drew didn’t come though. I’m glad he didn’t, even though saying that makes me feel bad. I’m afraid of what he might have done if he’d shown up. There’s something wrong with him now. Before...Before I left yesterday, I saw him painting a pentagram on the floor of his office. I can’t go back there. Roy says I need help. I know I do. He says he’ll call Mr. Drew and inform him of my resignation. That makes me feel a little better, but I’m still scared. Not for myself, but for everyone who works in the studio. Especially Mr. Lawrence. Miss Susie says she might quit soon, but I think this job is all Mr. Lawrence has. I’m...I’m scared. -The recording devolves into quiet sobbing.-

.

.

Voice of Cordelia Bell

My therapist says that recording my thoughts might make me feel better. I am feeling better, just being out of that environment. I’ve been writing Mr. Lawrence and he seems to be doing okay too. Mr. Drew’s been devolving though. Mr. Lawrence says Mr. Drew never leaves his office anymore, and the ink leaks have been happening more and more. I’m kind of worried for him. Working in that environment can’t be healthy for him, at the very least because of all the ink. I wouldn’t be surprised if we all got ink poisoning. The other reason is Mr. Drew himself. I think I said before that there’s always something a little off about him. The way he is now...That’s different. The way Mr. Lawrence talks about him, he sounds unhinged. I just hope everyone will be okay.

.

.

Voice of Cordelia Bell

Mr. Lawrence stopped writing back. I went to his apartment and his landlady said he hadn’t been back in a couple days. Roy says I shouldn’t go back to the studio, but I’m starting to get really worried. Miss Susie left about a week back, so she doesn’t know what’s going on either. I tried to hitchhike to the studio earlier, but Roy found me and took me home. He threatened to send me to a mental hospital. I know he’s just scared something bad will happen to me. Mr. Drew’s behavior scared him too. But Mr. Lawrence might be in danger. I can’t just let that go.

.

.

Voice of Cordelia Bell

I went back. I know I shouldn’t have, but I couldn’t help myself. Oh God. I wish I hadn’t. Something horrible happened there. There were no cars when I showed up. The door was unlocked and the studio was a mess. There was ink everywhere, everything was boarded up. I couldn’t find Mr. Drew anywhere. Couldn’t find anyone. No, that’s not true. I found Mr. Lawrence, didn’t I? God. Poor Mr. Lawrence. I don’t know what happened to him. He...It looked like he was covered in ink. Like his body was made of ink. He was wearing these ratty overalls and a Bendy mask and...and...He tried to sacrifice me. He kept talking about sheep and Bendy being his savior. I don’t know what happened to him. That thing...it was barely Mr. Lawrence. I don’t know if he even recognized me anymore. He said I looked familiar. Familiar! He tied me up in the music department, but his fingers were too thick to tie the ropes properly, so I got out pretty easy. I didn’t wait around to see what happened. I ran as fast as I could until I was home. I think Roy knows what I did. He didn’t say anything, but he knows. I’m sure of it. I don’t know what Mr. Drew did....But something awful happened in that studio. I’m sorry Mr. Lawrence. I can’t go back there.

#bendy and the ink machine #batim oc #fanfiction