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goldietm · 4 years

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* ╰ new york’s very own 𝐠𝐞𝐨𝐫𝐠𝐢𝐚 ‘ 𝐠𝐨𝐥𝐝𝐢𝐞 ‘ 𝐡𝐞𝐧𝐝𝐫𝐢𝐱 was spotted on broadway street in louboutin carnababy ankle boots . your resemblance to 𝒛𝒆𝒏𝒅𝒂𝒚𝒂 is unreal . according to tmz , you just had your twenty - third birthday bash . while living in nyc , you’ve been labeled as being 𝒂𝒖𝒔𝒕𝒆𝒓𝒆 , but also 𝒑𝒖𝒓𝒑𝒐𝒔𝒆𝒇𝒖𝒍 . i guess being a virgo explains that . 3 things that would paint a better picture of you would be 𝒂 𝒇𝒆𝒂𝒓 𝒐𝒇 𝒍𝒊𝒎𝒊𝒕𝒂𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏𝒔 𝒈𝒓𝒆𝒂𝒕𝒆𝒓 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒏 𝒍𝒊𝒇𝒆 𝒊𝒕𝒔𝒆𝒍𝒇 , 𝒂 𝒍𝒊𝒍𝒂𝒄 𝒑𝒐𝒘𝒆𝒓 - 𝒔𝒖𝒊𝒕 𝒔𝒆𝒏𝒅𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒃𝒖𝒔𝒊𝒏𝒆𝒔𝒔 𝒆𝒎𝒂𝒊𝒍𝒔 𝒂𝒕 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒄𝒍𝒖𝒃 , 𝒅𝒂𝒓𝒌 𝒆𝒚𝒆𝒔 𝒔𝒘𝒊𝒎𝒎𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒘𝒊𝒕𝒉 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒓𝒆𝒔𝒐𝒏𝒂𝒏𝒄𝒆 𝒐𝒇 𝒖𝒏𝒔𝒑𝒐𝒌𝒆𝒏 𝒕𝒉𝒐𝒖𝒈𝒉𝒕𝒔 . ( my ex - fiance was a pr stunt set up by our manager. i’m not sure they knew that until i inadvertently cheated on them . ) & ( cis female & she / her )

tw : homophobia , biphobia , suicide mention , emotional abuse .

 𝒊 . 𝒔𝒕𝒂𝒕𝒔 .

𝒏𝒂𝒎𝒆 : georgia cheyanne hendrix 𝒏𝒊𝒄𝒌𝒏𝒂𝒎𝒆𝒔 : goldie , golds . georgie , gigi , g . 𝒂𝒈𝒆 : twenty - three 𝒛𝒐𝒅𝒊𝒂𝒄 : virgo 𝒐𝒄𝒄𝒖𝒑𝒂𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏 : former beauty pageant competitor and 2016’s miss teen usa , 2017′s miss new york , 2018′s miss usa , current film and television actress , model , business entrepreneur , philanthropist , and activist . 𝒓𝒆𝒄𝒐𝒈𝒏𝒊𝒛𝒆𝒅 𝒇𝒐𝒓 : her mother’s political career , starring in hbo’s television series euphoria , being the first openly queer representative for the usa in the pageant circuit , her advocacy for feminism and criminal justice reform , a bustling social media page , being one of forbes 2019′s top 30 under 30 . 𝒈𝒆𝒏𝒅𝒆𝒓 𝒊𝒅𝒆𝒏𝒕𝒊𝒕𝒚 / 𝒑𝒓𝒐𝒏𝒐𝒖𝒏𝒔 : cis female / she her hers 𝒐𝒓𝒊𝒆𝒏𝒕𝒂𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏 : bisexual , biromantic 𝒉𝒆𝒊𝒈𝒉𝒕 : 5’9 𝒄𝒉𝒂𝒓 𝒊𝒏𝒔𝒑𝒐𝒔 : meredith grey & cristina yang from grey’s anatomy , spencer hastings from pretty little liars , hermione granger from harry potter , meghan markle , angela martin from the office , alex cabot from law and order svu , and more than anything , claire from fleabag . 𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐧 𝐢𝐟 𝐮 𝐬𝐤𝐢𝐦 𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐲𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐞𝐥𝐬𝐞 , 𝐢 𝐛𝐞𝐠 𝐨𝐟 𝐮 𝐭𝐨 𝐰𝐚𝐭𝐜𝐡 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐯𝐢𝐝𝐞𝐨 𝐣𝐮𝐬𝐭 𝐭𝐨 𝐠𝐞𝐭 𝐥𝐞𝐱’𝐬 𝐞𝐬𝐬𝐞𝐧𝐜𝐞 𝐜𝐨𝐦𝐩𝐫𝐞𝐬𝐬𝐞𝐝 𝐢𝐧𝐭𝐨 7 𝐦𝐢𝐧𝐬 . 𝒌𝒆𝒚 𝒕𝒓𝒂𝒊𝒕𝒔 : - acquiescent , cold , emotionally distant , obsessive , control - freak + intelligent , astute , focused , protective , passionate 𝒉𝒐𝒈𝒘𝒂𝒓𝒕𝒔 𝒉𝒐𝒖𝒔𝒆 : toss up between slytherin and ravenclaw ! 𝒔𝒐𝒏𝒈 𝒊𝒏𝒔𝒑𝒐𝒔 : 𝐭𝐢𝐚 𝐭𝐚𝐦𝐞𝐫𝐚 - 𝑑𝑜𝑗𝑎 𝑐𝑎𝑡 𝑓𝑡 . 𝑟𝑖𝑐𝑜 𝑛𝑎𝑠𝑡𝑦 / 𝐢𝐜𝐞 𝐦𝐞 𝐨𝐮𝐭 - 𝑘𝑎𝑠ℎ 𝑑𝑜𝑙𝑙 / 𝐧𝐨 𝐬𝐦𝐚𝐥𝐥 𝐭𝐚𝐥𝐤 - 𝑘𝑎𝑟𝑖 𝑓𝑎𝑢𝑥 / 𝐂𝐘𝐀𝐍𝐈𝐃𝐄 - 𝑑𝑎𝑛𝑖𝑒𝑙 𝑐𝑎𝑒𝑠𝑎𝑟 / 𝐛𝐫𝐨𝐤𝐞𝐧 𝐜𝐥𝐨𝐜𝐤𝐬 - 𝑆𝑍𝐴 / 𝐬𝐚𝐲 𝐬𝐨 - 𝑑𝑜𝑗𝑎 𝑐𝑎𝑡 / 𝐛𝐞𝐞𝐟 𝐟𝐥𝐨𝐦𝐢𝐱 - 𝑓𝑙𝑜 𝑚𝑖𝑙𝑙𝑖 / 𝐜𝐨𝐜𝐤𝐲 𝐚𝐟 - 𝑚𝑒𝑔𝑎𝑛 𝑡ℎ𝑒𝑒 𝑠𝑡𝑎𝑙𝑙𝑖𝑜𝑛 / 𝐜𝐡𝐮𝐧-𝐥𝐢 - 𝑛𝑖𝑐𝑘𝑖 𝑚𝑖𝑛𝑎𝑗 / 𝐝𝐨𝐢𝐧 𝐭𝐨𝐨 𝐦𝐮𝐜𝐡 - 𝑘𝑎𝑠ℎ 𝑑𝑜𝑙𝑙 / 𝐭𝐫𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫 𝐣𝐨𝐞 - 𝑗𝑢𝑛𝑔𝑙𝑒𝑝𝑢𝑠𝑠𝑦 / 𝐈𝐂𝐘 𝐆𝐈𝐑𝐋 - 𝑠𝑎𝑤𝑒𝑒𝑡𝑖𝑒 / 𝐩𝐡𝐢𝐥𝐥𝐲 𝐣𝐚𝐰𝐧 - 𝑘𝑜𝑡𝑎 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝑓𝑟𝑖𝑒𝑛𝑑 / 𝐛𝐨𝐬𝐬 𝐛𝐢𝐭𝐜𝐡 - 𝑑𝑜𝑗𝑎 𝑐𝑎𝑡 𝒂𝒆𝒔𝒕𝒉𝒆𝒕𝒊𝒄𝒔 : an intellect that remembers everything ; wild caramel curls with just enough composure to seem effortless ; a fear of failure more crippling than life itself ; the smell of fresh linen and lavender ; a color - coded itinerary ; a perfectly choreographed interaction , each time ; lilac power - suits and an immaculate composure ; unspoken mommy issues ; tenebrous , intent gazes swimming with the resonance of unspoken thoughts ; ‘ don’t touch me please ‘ syndrome ; kicking out hookups before you both fall asleep ; ordering the same thing at a restaurant , every time ; flinching at ‘ i love you’s ’ ; drafting business emails at the club ; an admiration of atlas , with the world’s weight upon your shoulders .

𝒊𝒊 . 𝒃𝒂𝒄𝒌𝒔𝒕𝒐𝒓𝒚 .

though goldie should be proud to carry the hendrix name ( a prominent black woman in politics as a mother and a fortune 500 ceo father ) , the odds have been against the hendrix progeny since they come into the world . despite her mother being a female senator , she’s a infamously staunch conservative with rather regressive opinions . her father ? none the better , driven by greed and the illusion of power .

georgia emerges first into the world with kalani following soon after , a dynamic they hold onto for the rest of their lives . their brother michael follows a few years later , completing the illusion of the perfect american family . goldie , as she is quickly known as , is a perfectionist by heart , a trait that is only further emphasized by a cold , disconnected mother who only truly acknowledges her when it’s following an accolade . lani never seemed bothered and would find solace in mikey — goldie , on the other hand , took her mother’s emotional distance more personally than anything in her life , past or future .

her mother , a former pageant star herself , is elated to hear goldie’s interest in starting in the circuit in middle school , launching a career for herself in the new york pageant scene . this perfectionist mentality lends itself easily to her competitions , and the naturally competitive girl takes the pageant world by storm . she pushes herself to her peak through new york’s elite prep schools , scoring top marks and heading countless clubs to pad an otherwise still impressive resume . she’s making waves in every circle she enters , preparing a valedictorian speech and touting early acceptance into princeton when her world flips on its head .

mikey , vibrant and beautiful , everything goldie did not see herself as , comes out as gay to their family , and following the heinous response of their parents and the mounting pressures to keep up appearances , takes his own life during the twins’ senior year . goldie’s life is shattered , and her family falls apart quickly after , with lani’s outburst of her own coming out and reprimanding their parents for their part in mikey’s passing being the final tear of the hendrix tapestry . goldie , harboring a budding sentiment of bisexuality all her own , sees the effect the dual coming’s - out have on their family and can’t bring herself to rock the boat a third time , doing what she does best and keeping her mouth shut for appearances .

while lani makes a name for herself protesting and doing her activism , goldie continues to dominate pageantry , quickly snatching up titles of miss teen usa , miss new york , and going on to set her sights on 2018′s miss america . during the question and answer portion , when she’s asked about the mental health crisis in her home state of new york , her mind drifts from her prepared statement and instead pivots to a cause near and dear to her heart , the lgbtq+ mental health crisis . her life changes with one simple slip of the tongue on live national television .

“ as a bisexual woman myself , i believe — ”

though entirely unintentional , the moment liberates her and thrusts her forward into the life she now has , a name made for herself , by herself . despite the collective shock of her unexpected coming out on national tv , she is enthusiastically crowned miss america much to her own surprise , though her actions are not without consequence . fuming at the perceived treachery of the child that was supposed to be ‘ the good one , ’ senator hendrix pulls some strings to get goldie kicked from the pageantry world , but it comes as a blessing in disguise .

goldie changes her major at princeton to public policy , and once she leaves the pageant world , she’s flooded with offers for modeling campaigns and sponsorship deals . she becomes one of the most noted humanitarian activists of her generation , fighting for women’s rights , mental health advocacy , and criminal justice reform . while lani takes to the streets , goldie takes to the stands , giving speeches and meeting with policy makers as she begins to dive into the world of entrepreneurship . the twins start a foundation for lgbtq+ people they name the mikey hendrix foundation in honor of their younger brother , and are in constant tabloid stories due to their speaking out against their parents . goldie makes an easy transition from paper to stage , and finds a blooming acting career that serves as an even greater platform for her to speak out about the causes nearest to her .

𝒊𝒊𝒊 . 𝒅𝒊𝒔𝒑𝒐𝒔𝒊𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏

perhaps goldie’s most notable quality is being driven by an unyielding fear of failure and mediocrity . there is no task small enough that goldie will not accomplish to the best of her execution , and if she can’t ensure perfection , she will refuse to give it an attempt at all . this all or nothing attitude stems from an obscene obsession with control and remaining in control , something those around her are all too aware of .

despite a rather charming and gregarious disposition on the red carpet , many will note that goldie is incredibly reserved when meeting her in real life . the pageantry training has kicked in to give her a facade to push when she’s in the spotlight , though her true disposition is much less play and much more work . she’s stoic and serious , knowing just what to say at what time to continue the narrative that she is completely in control . cool and calculated , her affect is usually stern and unwilling to reflect any sentiment of softness or goofiness — many business associates note her absolute maturity and rationality even at the tender age of 23 . her energy , as subdued as it may be , commands the room with a power of self-assuredness that only�� stems from a confidence rooted in something to back it up . she’s an elderly woman in a millennial’s body , and this tends to show in her dry wit humor , relative moodiness , and general propensity for wanting things done exclusively her way .

goldie’s intellect has always been a strong suit of hers , a photographic memory that allowed her to glide through school with the least of struggles . astute and well - spoken , monotone and unlikely to crack in her stony temperament , she’s a force of nature to be well reckoned with . luckily , goldie shows little to no interest in engaging with petty drama and tends to keep in her own lane , losing interest nearly immediately in the mindless pettiness some of her friends wrap themselves up in . rational , arguably to a fault , goldie has a bad habit of censoring herself and limiting her own commentary when in the company of anyone she needs to maintain her reputation with ; close friends , on the other hand , will easily characterize her as blunt and straightforward , almost too aggressive with her honesty for her own good . though she’d rarely voice it , she has an undeniable superiority complex stemming from a recognition that whatever she does , she’s incredibly good at ( ignoring her unwillingness to step out and try anything outside her comfort zone . )

this is the curious dichotomy of georgia hendrix , considering one of her most notable flaws is her unwillingness to invest . despite being perhaps overly honest , the moment a conversation ( or relationship ) runs the risk of becoming too emotionally risky , she shuts down . flames have been ghosted , relationships have been ended , and friendships have been cut off simply because goldie deemed them to be a danger to her mission of remaining in complete control of herself and her life . the select few that have plowed through goldie’s rather prickly initial interactions have earned themselves a friend forged from gold , loyal to a fault and ready to drop anything at a wind’s blow to aide those she loves most . defensive and ornery , the pageant girl facade soon blows over to reveal an anal retentive , emotionally stunted grandmother who loses her lid over the most minute of inconveniences if they step out of her pre - established plans and routines .

hiding beneath her layers of fake smiling at redundant questions , unapproachable hostility and being an otherwise unmeltable ice queen , goldie harbors a deep intensity that overcomes her when allowed to reign ( and very rarely is allowed to reign ) . she does not invest in small doses and despite the relative unlikelihood of her allowing a distraction such as a relationship , the few she’s had have been intense whirlwinds led by goldie’s own inability to limit herself — she’s all , or she’s nothing , but nowhere in the middle .

#wealthy:intro #* ╰ . 𝒈 . 𝒉𝒆𝒏𝒅𝒓𝒊𝒙 . › intro .#WE OUT HEA !

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daazurebanana · 5 years

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“It is so hard to be a normal person when one is not a normal person.”

Helping Mental Disorders

When I was a senior in high school, I went on a field trip with my English class to Salt Lake City to see a Sundance film. The movie, “Notes on Blindness”, was a true story about a man named John Hull who had a disease that took his sight when he was in his 30s. I remember being totally in awe of the way the film showed blindness, something I never expected to see or feel. Mental disorders are, in a unique way, a kind of blindness. Living with a mental illness is like living in a different world -- one that cannot be understood or lived in by the meager average human like me. Now, I don’t say that to offend, though offense is bound to be taken by someone on this planet, I will verbally stand my ground from where I sit on my couch. You, try as you might, can never truly empathize with me, and I likewise, cannot completely empathize with you no matter how similar we may be. Thus, really, we are all blind in a way. If this is true of two “normal” people, the divide is especially wide between a normal person and one with mental illness. Nevertheless, I don’t mean to imply by this that mental disorders should be eliminated or dismissed. I don’t think mental disorders should be erased. This is a research argument is it not? I merely wish to draw your attention to the goods and evils of mental disorders, whether someone else’s or your own; focusing on clinical depression, bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, and anxiety as they are found in my family.

Partial Personality Disorder

A long-time loyal social worker for a foster care facility, one probably wouldn’t immediately assume my step-aunt Sarah suffered from Borderline personality disorder (BPD). BPD, also known as an emotionally unstable personality disorder (EUPD). BPD is a mental disorder similar to bipolar in its propensity to mood swings as a result of abandonment and instability issues in their relationships, make being alone extremely difficult, causing extreme behaviors that tend to drive other people away. It includes symptoms like “self-image issues, difficulty managing emotions and behavior, and a pattern of unstable relationships. The effect BPD has on one’s perception of self and others creates many difficulties in daily life” (Mayo Clinic).

Her development of BPD was in response to the divorce of her parents. Her father and older siblings, while she remained with her mother . As she approached the teenage years, she showed increased symptoms of abandonment issues as is common. She struggled with cutting, became very volatile, suicidal and promiscuous. The symptoms worsened as she got older until eventually, her mother admitted her to the hospital for treatment. As she became an adult, she was able to gain more control of her moods with the help of education in social work and the natural passage of time. Though Sarah does not mention her diagnosis in the memoir, as she describes the everyday niceties of life and the trials, there is a trace of something off-balanced about the way she describes people and memories which could easily be put down to the cancer she was struggling with, or simply exaggeration (Southey, Sarah).

Although Sarah is not a blood-relative, her disorder intrigues me. According to the Mayo clinic’s page about treating BPD, psychotherapy is the best option. With patience and willingness to make changes, patients could eventually learn to live in a self-reliant manner. Perhaps the most valuable lesson from my step-aunt’s memoir is that no matter when or how it happens, success is often possible. This doesn’t mean it is easy. In a rather hard-to-understand article I perused, the authors said that ‘it cannot be denied that people with mental disorders cannot recover completely and (the illness) will even hamper their productivity” (Agustina Barimbing, Maryati). Certainly, in my aunt’s case, for example, success was delayed by her disorder, but it was not stopped. Sure, not everyone can be an astronaut, but satisfaction with self and achievements is possible. This is possible for anyone by finding knowing personal limits and asking for help when needed. This is true of both people both with and without disabilities.

Bipolar

Memories are stretchy and blurry things, pliable to new information and experiences so I can’t give the exact order of the events of the year I turned six, but I do remember moving to Utah, my mom giving birth to twins, and my dad being admitted to the hospital. My aunt and uncle offered to watch my older sister and me, so we packed some clothes and drove for hours before arriving to be baked alive in the suffocating Las Vegas heat for two weeks (the equivalent of 2 months in kid-years). Being six, I couldn’t understand why I was with these people instead of my own family. Every night I’d sit on my bed with my 16-year-old cousin and sob fat tears as I made her show me how many days were left before I could go home.

What I couldn’t comprehend at the time was that my father was admitted to the hospital due to a mental breakdown. It was the beginning of a recession and he had just lost his job, been injured in a car accident, become the father of (now) 6 children, and signed a new mortgage. He was thrown into a situation that would have been too much pressure even for someone without his struggles with a mental disorder. That episode was the first of many I can remember--the latest being last week, when he had a severe anxiety attack and was admitted for a week and a half to a mental institution that confiscated every possible danger, right down to his shoelaces.

My father has severe anxiety and bipolar II, meaning instead of having extreme highs and extreme lows, he experiences what is called ‘hypomania’: an emotional spectrum that has less extreme manic episodes and spends more time in the depression, resembling clinical depression. For a very long time I personally--and I am sure I am not alone--have had the tendency to interpret his reaction to stress as weakness. Reflecting on my six-year-old mindset, the belief that when presented with a trial, it is one’s own responsibility to remain strong and to protect those one loves--not to weigh them down, was incorrect. One of the main roadblocks to helping those with and without mental disorders is a difficulty “with self-care and...informing others of their needs” (Arredondo, Emanuel), and being sensitive to the needs for special support without bias is important. Such prejudices is society can be poisonous because issues that arise can’t be solved because the sufferer does not feel they can openly share their feelings.

In society, vulnerability and sensitivity seem like signs of human weakness; something to be smothered, swallowed and overcome. But that is simply not true. It is true that mental disorders cause problems--to put it mildly. But here is a thought that a friend of mine put to me one day as I was moping around about something: “if it is inevitable, why not be happy about it?” That is not to say that anyone is wrong for being unhappy, but if it is inevitable, why beat ourselves up about it? Depending on the disorder, the reactions in our body that produce the disorder are different. One’s proclivity to having a disorder is not as simple as having one or not having one. In the article “Psychiatric genetics: back to the future," by Carson M. Owen and M. O’Donovan, it is explained that, although there are exceptions, disorders are a result of genes interacting with other genes or genes reacting to the environment. Gene-gene interaction implies that a person has the disorder no matter how the environment interacts with them, whereas gene-environment interaction refers to one developing a disorder as a result of a negative environment. But here’s the thing: both have the potential of disorder either way. Both often become apparent in teenage years to young adulthood when people are faced with a lot of stressful situations and decisions like college, moving away from home, dating, marriage, and starting a career. If stress is the catalyst, how can one a genetic predisposition to avoid a disorder? Although a perfect life is ideal, it is also impossible, as I have shown in the experience of my Aunt Sarah.

So much money and effort is spent on preventing and treating mental disorders, that the concept that mental disorders destroy is drilled into our craniums. But what do they inspire? There is a natural tendency to consider mental illness as something that is a burden. We have a tendency in our lives to see problems and try to fix all of them at once, but what we really need to do is take a breath and figure out what we can and cannot control, and from there press forward. Accepting our weaknesses is not the same thing as being satisfied with them.

Dr. Jamison is a well-renowned psychiatrist who specialized in academic medicine and manic-depressive illness (bipolar). In her autobiography: “An Unquiet Mind”, she shares her research related to bipolar as well as her experience as she undergoes the same intense mood swings as her patients. Kay Jamison helps the blind to see, in a way (or, to continue my earlier comparison, she helps the seeing to be blind.) "An Unquiet Mind" (more than anything else I have ever read) helps a person on the outside looking in to understand the chaotic nature of disorders--meaning chaotic in the sense of "uncontrollable", not necessarily "manic".

She relates having a disorder to the lifestyle of a blind teenager she used to counsel. Having met with him for many months, she felt she understood what it was like to be blind; however, one day she came to see him in class and was shocked to see that the room was totally dark, while he and the rest of the class were sitting quietly listening to a recording. This experience made her realize that she really did not know what is meant to be blind. We cannot fully understand what it is like to live with another's disorder, but Dr. Jamison says that we can love them and just be with them. The diversity of every single human ‘bean’s’ perspective adds spice to the whole of the culture. Our culture is profoundly influenced by the positives of mental illness. Bipolar disorder and depression are linked to creativity and productivity--many poets, writers, actors, singers, and other artists have made significant contributions to society. Take Dostoyevsky and Van Gogh (and my own father who has written 9 novels, a chemistry, and a computer textbook, makes cheese, is a blacksmith, a lapidarist...you get the picture).

As I have said, I don’t think the mental disorder is completely bad, but it does include some inherent and devastating problems. Some of the downsides of bipolar and depression include suicide, psychosis, abuse of others, loss of productivity and meaning, among others. In order to treat, or even better, prevent the negative effects of mental disorders, there are many resources available for both those who struggle with it personally and those who are affected, such as family and friends. Mental disorders make a person turn emotionally inward and become isolated although what they really need is a source to provide energy and emotional support, or in other words, provide energy and hope that life really is worth living. “To supply this demand”, it is “essential in these contexts to build social networks and the provision of social support”(Batistela Vicente, Jéssica).

Mental health issues are best handled by having some sort of structure in place. This structure can be found in multiple places: non-profit support groups for mental illness such as Conflict Prevention and Resolution--Brazil (CPR), National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI), or Omotenashi--Family Experiences Learning Program (FELP), organized religion, or extended family and friends. More often than not, a combination of a few is the most successful in creating a constant safety net. Having these resources when “facing difficulties such as time investment; economic dependency, deprivation of the needs of other family members, lack of social activities and reduction of relations with the outside world,” give much-needed stability and prevent feelings of isolation.

Some form of organization especially helps children, as they are often too young to recognize their own need for support. Research has found time and time again that a church community --unpresuming but always available-- is the optimal choice, with mental and emotional disorders, having much lower rates among young adults who were raised in homogeneous religion-based home. Religion is what saved my father’s life despite numerous trials with his anxiety throughout the years. In the study done by CPR in Brazil, one mother of a child with a mental disorder said: “I would listen, would ask for support, I have always asked assistance from God”. Having a personal relationship with a higher being provides comfort when family and friends are unavailable. As with any child, having a “scaffolding on which to hang one’s life” offers direction in the long run, whereas a child who doesn’t go to church, for example, bases their morals off their parents but does not have the benefit of a social support system. In the case of non-religious people, participating in NAMI or school groups are ideal (Batistela Vicente, Jéssica).

It is important to note that in the case of serious mental disorders, often social support is insufficient and requires the aid of medication. Modern medicine, though often abused, as I am well aware of from my time spent training as a pharmacy technician, is necessary for those who struggle seriously with mental illness. The importance of medicine and the fact that there is no shame in it is also the knowledge that I think should be more widespread—with caution. I took medicine for ADHD when I was about 10, and the results were great, but I only used it for a while in order to establish good habits. This may be the case for minor diagnoses like mine, medicine was not necessary but was helpful for my schooling. Serious mental disorders like bipolar, severe anxiety, and clinical depression, however, may require more than a short term prescription for establishing habits. One point Dr. Jamison emphasizes is that if she was given the option to go back and live a life without manic-depressive illness, she would not; granted the medicine was still available.

I have come eventually to realize that just because something appears wrong doesn’t mean I have to fix it. Mental health can be treated and cared for, but in chronic and genetic situations, though it might be subdued many people don’t realize that it cannot be cured. And this is okay. As the quote says, the mental disorder will “hamper [the individual’s and their friends and family’s] productivity” (Agustina Barimbing, Maryati). I believe this is true not only but specifically when the individual’s relations try to fix them. This puts a strain on everyone and only leads to everyone involved blaming each other and themselves.

“Oh mother, how is it for you?”

(Hull, John)

At an emotional scene from the movie “Notes on Blindness,” John Hull’s wife reflected on her husband’s wrestle with his loss of sight and with it so many other things and mused: “Shall I scratch my eyes out, shall I follow you into this world?” Those with mental disorders are not the only ones affected by it. Family and friends struggle to help their loved ones but can easily become discouraged by the task of relieving the load. Caring for a loved one with mental illness is often a“lonely battle”(Kageyama, Masako). Families are required to learn to live with the disease, facing the difficulties and adapting to the new situation in order to maintain a difficult balance within the family. It can be very isolating and caregivers sometimes sacrifice their own physical and mental well being and that of other loved ones to help the person with a mental disorder. Aid from the same support programs offer comfort and understanding by “address(ing) members’ need for knowledge about mental illness, reduc(ing) their feelings of guilt and self‐blame, decreas(ing) caregivers’ burdens, help(ing) families cope, and improv(ing) parent-child relationships” (Kageyama, Masako). With a community that understands the family members as well as the individual with the mental disorder, feelings of isolation and pressure subside, relationships are healthier.

In the book by Jane Clayson Johnson, "Silent Souls Weeping: Depression, Sharing Stories Finding Hope", Johnson interviews the husband of a woman with clinical depression who shares how his view of and reactions to his wife’s episodes evolved over the years. At first, he did not feel like family, but someone that was obligated to serve hand and foot. He got caught in a vicious cycle of blaming her for not controlling herself and blaming himself for not being able to fix it. Eventually, he realized casting blaming only dug the pit of depression deeper.

So he did what is unarguably easier said than done, and decided to stop blaming people and start “blaming the illness”. Of the experience he said:"(life with) a person with a mental illness is not doomed to be miserable", it is the responsibility and blame that we stubbornly hold on to that make us miserable. Instead of holding on to virulent bitterness and letting the illness be a barrier, he decided to love his wife. The overarching theme of "An Unquiet Mind" and "Silent Souls Weeping" is the saving grace of simply loving those struggling with some disorder: not because it miraculously relieves them of the symptoms, but because it makes life “worth living”.

The simplest, and yet two of the most beneficial treatment are both education and acceptance. Mental disorders are not a project that can be “fixed”(Clayson Johnson, Johnson) by the experiencer or their loved ones, but one can offer love and can educate themselves. Though undoubtedly necessary for some individuals on a case by case scenario, it would do the most good for both sides to familiarize themselves with the other person’s situation. This creates a kinship of sorts, humanizes others. Just like when you meet the person who will be your best friend the first time you see them, we should not make assumptions but instead, make an effort to understand. The teaching that losing oneself to find oneself is absolutely correct. Love is a treatment in itself.

Works Cited

Agustina Barimbing, Maryati, et al .“Family Atmosphere Make Family Resilience Which Have Adolescent with Mental Disorder (According to “Resilience” Theory of Haase & Peterson)”. International Journal of Nursing Education. July 2019. 1.

Arredondo, Emanuel, et al. “The Global Impact of Intellectual Disability and Other Mental Disorders in Children”. International Journal of Childbirth Education. 2019, Vol. 34 Issue 2, p14-17.

Batistela Vicente, Jéssica, et al. “Mental disorder in childhood: family structure and their social relations”. Escola Anna Nery Revista de Enfermagem. vol. 19, 2015, pp 107-114.

Burland, Joyce. “NAMI: Family to Family Education Program”. NAMI. 2001.

https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/borderline-personality-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20370237

Johnson, Jane Clayson. "Silent Souls Weeping: Depression, Sharing Stories Finding Hope". Desert Book. 2018.

Kugelmass, Heather. “Mental disorder among nonreligious adolescents”. Mental Health, Religion & Culture (MENT HEALTH RELIGION CULT). 2015, vol. 18, issue 5.

Kageyama, Masako, et al. “Changes in Families' Caregiving Experiences through Involvement as Participants then Facilitators in a Family Peer-Education Program for Mental Disorders in Japan”. Family Process. 2017, vol. 56 Issue 2, p408.

Lucille Southey, Sarah. “Sarah Lucille Southey: A Memoir”. Dollison Road Books. 2016.

Middleton, Peter, et al. “Notes on Blindness”. 2016

Owen, M., Cardno, A. & O'Donovan, M. "Psychiatric genetics: back to the future". Mol Psychiatry, vol 5, 2000, pp 22–31.

#all you need is love meds therapy and yeah

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darknessnav · 6 years

Text

About Darius

You should view my webpage ON A COMPUTER. Or use DESKTOP VIEW setting in your mobile WEB-BROWSER. Not the Tumblr app. So I can’t be bothered with posting the images that go along with this since you can’t be bothered to go to the proper platform. (Sorry, mun is annoyed about this.)

“This one’s tale is one most unknown. He is not known for the tall tales of a clever wit and tongue. He is not known well at all. Niflheim of the timeless bore this one. Muspel was his womb. This one was not born of flesh and blood. This one came from whispers in the depths of a mirror’s mind. The whispers of dark desires, of murder, of lust, and of depravity. For that reason, the names most tied to I are that of darkness. If darkness were to have a face, I would be that face. If darkness were to want a voice, I would speak in its name. Darkness is cold and calculating and darkness is in my veins.”

Darius is not Loki as one would know him to be. He is not Loki in myth nor is he Loki in Marvel. He is his own entity. He is the darkness that was harbored in another, manifested in jotun form. He has no family. He has no home. Darius wanders the streets of the only realm he knows, Earth, or what he would call Midgard.

He has no goals or missions in life, only just to experience until his dying breath. He does not understand pain and emotion as we would. He does not understand sorrow and anguish. These things are unknown to him, and though they try to leave their mark on his dark soul, their efforts are in vain. His are the desires of a madman, of a psycho, of a killer. What actions he wants to take, he takes them. He does not give himself time to think of the consequences.

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Warning/disclaimer: ALL OF THIS basically. Please read prior to interacting with this muse!

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Name: Darius Eirik Manngason (Manngason = “son of no one”) Nicknames: Loki, Dalie, Blueberry, Smurf, Dark One, Once-Thought, Dark Incarnation, Loki Loptrson Wishlist Nickname: None; he gives no fucks toward names Birthday: January 17th (Zodiac Capricorn) Age: Physically 5 years (his body was created July 23, 2012), looks like mid-thirties, contains the wealth of knowledge of Loki, so acts much older than either of the previously listed ages. Ethnicity: Jotunn (Frost Giant) Height: 6’4” (male) / 5’8” (female) Weight: Approx 635lbs (but feels like 200lbs with his levitation spell) Body Type: Darius is much unlike the stereotypical build of Loki. His frame is thick with muscle, yet he is still ‘small’ by Asgardian standards for warriors. When compared to someone like Thor, Darius would still appear small-framed. However, Darius stands physically taller than Loki by two or three inches, making him eye-level to Thor. Darius possesses a thicker, squarer jawline, and his eyebrows looks more chiseled and prominent than that of Loki’s. Skin color: Deep blue, close to ultramarine blue in Jotun form, pale white/alabaster (like humans) in Aesir form. Eye Color: Red with red sclera in Jotun form, green eyes with white sclera in Aesir form. Hair: Raven black, mid-length hair Scars: A large yet subtle scar across his stomach/abdominal region and a smaller more prominent one over his sternum. Burns: No Over weight: No Under weight: No Other Physical Traits: He has markings all over his body in his Jotun form that are akin to very thin, raised lines, giving him a somewhat tribal appearance. However, the thin lines are easily unnoticeable as they are so thin and barely raised. One would likely have to be looking for them, or they must be under some harsh lighting’s angle. Smells like: Differs based off of the shampoos/body washes he uses, mostly consisting of sandalwood, citrus, or cinnamon. Without the influence of shampoos/body wash, he would have a “freezer burn” kind of smell. Speech Traits: Deep voice, he speaks as though he has an accent, yet the accent is no definable match to any existing accents. Stance: He has a very rigid stance, appearing taller than he is, which is very tall. His feet are about 24 inches apart when he stands. Walk: He has something of a saunter-like walk, very casual and relaxed no matter the place or occasion. He walks with confidence and as though he has extreme familiarity of his surroundings. Common Gestures: Occasionally, he may tap his fingers on his side. He often shifts his weight from one foot to another every few minutes. He tends to move his head around as though he is looking for details. When exposed to many sounds or scents, he will sometimes close his eyes as he is very over-stimulated by his senses. Facial Expressions: He has a very unreadable face. It hints at multiple feelings, yet the eyes tell you that feelings are not present. He sometimes scowls, he sometimes look perplexed, and sometimes he even looks upset or depressed. Clothes and Shoes: He isn’t particularly picky about clothes. He will generally stick to flannel shirts that button up, although sometimes he will wear a thin long-sleeved or sleeveless undershirt, generally black in color. The flannel shirts tend to be vibrant red plaid shirts. He will wear an array of jeans, the most of which will be dark blue, grey, or black. Cosmetics: He doesn’t use too much, being a low-maintenance sort of fellow. He will occasionally use some oil to slick his hair back. Education: Religious education, Apprenticeship, Non-traditional education. Self-taught, very intelligent. Financial Status: Wealthy Lives in: an abandoned insane asylum located in Finland with no immediate neighboring buildings/residencies. Languages Known: English, Finnish, Swedish, Ancient Norse, Icelandic, Norweigan, Jotun, Asgardian Relationship Status: Single Sexual Orientation: Omnisexual, Sexuality: Sexually adventurous, experienced, promiscuous. Romantic Orientation: Romance repulsed Religious views: Atheistic, believes in an afterlife, believes in reincarnation, aliens exist (he’s proof of them). Beliefs: He believes that nothing matters. This is his biggest belief. One can spend their life trying to accomplish a great many things, however in the long run, their actions will be forgotten. They will be forgotten. The future will not remember them, no matter what. Perhaps some surviving documents will last for centuries, however Darius believes nothing lasts forever. Family: He has NO parents, NO siblings, and four children. Twins by Thanos and a daughter by an alternate Loki named Layla (all childrens’ whereabouts are unknown), and one son by simactire named Icarus (Dalie’s not allowed to see said son because of reasons…) Classification: He is an emotionless homicidal, suicidal, cannibalistic, sadistic, psychopathic sociopath. Reputation: He is well known to be violent and dangerous. Motto: “I don’t care.” Moral Code: He has no moral code. Fears: He has none. Strengths: He is physically strong. His logical thinking often puts an end to irrational emotional impulses. Weaknesses and Shortcomings: His apathy is very disruptive in his day-to-day actions. He also feels mildly uncomfortable at anything mentioning the heart. Personality Flaws: Paranoid, Schizoid, Antisocial. Severity of each is noticeable and somewhat disruptive. Desperation: He isn’t exactly desperate. His apathetic view on life disables any yearning. Most and Least Self-Serving Actions: Sex is the most self-serving thing he does on a frequent basis. He enjoys the way it feels and disregards what his partner feels. Least self-serving would be to help anyone else. He sees no point in doing that. Prejudices: He will look at someone and throw stereotypes at them in a very rude way. He will call a woman who has had many partners a slut. He will call a man who lays with another man gay in an offensive way. He belittles women, believing that being male is just more fun. However whether he actually feels this way is unknown. In truth, Darius does a lot of things mainly to get a rise out of someone. He will be mean, nasty, and cruel, do nearly whatever it takes to upset someone. Secrets: He has no secrets. He is a very open and free type of guy. He does not worry so much about the consequence of others knowing what it is he does. However, he does not offer such information freely. Usually one has to ask, otherwise he will not talk. Secrecy about Personal Information: Open and honest. Reliability of Memory: Eidetic (though due to rising mental conditions, some memories have been erased) Sense(s) of Humor: Vulgar, Complex, Dark, Physical, Openly displayed, Unique, and Passive (provides commentary) Special talent(s): Not possessing any fucks to give about anyone or anything. Images That Remind Me of Darius: Linked here. (To prevent lag in this page’s loading) Struggling With: Obtaining fucks to give.

Myers-Brigs Personality: ENTJ || Info: [ LINK ] & [ LINK ]

MIND - This trait determines how we interact with our environment.

83% EXTRAVERTED

ENERGY - This trait shows where we direct our mental energy.

72% INTUITIVE

NATURE - This trait determines how we make decisions and cope with emotions.

90% THINKING

TACTICS - This trait reflects our approach to work, planning and decision-making.

63% JUDGING

IDENTITY - This trait underpins all others, showing how confident we are in our abilities and decisions.

88% ASSERTIVE

{ SKILLS }

(Ratings out of 10, zero being none at all, one being very poor, five being average, and 10 being beyond excellent.)

Attack: 10/10

Physical Prowess: 10/10

Strength: 10/10

Fortitude: 10/10

Intelligence: 9/10

Endurance: 9/10

Weaponized Combat: 9/10

Speed: 9/10

Magic: 8/10

Defense: 8/10

Resilience: 8/10

Perception: 7/10

Raw Force: 7/10

Historical Knowledge: 7/10

Mental Health: 6/10

Hand-to-Hand Combat: 6/10

Range: 6/10

Grace: 5/10

Charisma: 4/10

Strategies: 4/10

Persuasion: 3/10

Teamwork: 1/10

Leadership: 0/10

{ TRAITS }

—— POSITIVE ——-

Determined, Open-Minded, Attentive to Detail, Analytic, Curious, Generally unbiased, Calm, Unfazed, Unperturbed, Unprejudiced, Brutally honest, Takes responsibility for his actions, Courageous, Authentic, Very alert, Bold, Very tolerant of others, Very creative in his numerous endeavors, Hard-working.

——- NEGATIVE ——-

Very apathetic, Very impulsive, Violent, Abusive, Menacing, Spiteful, Can be confusing, Unpredictable, Bullying, Mentally unstable, Disconnected, Unfaithful/Disloyal, Extremely malevolent, Indulges heavily in addictive substances, Abuses alcohol, Complete lack of deference, Reckless, Impatient, Unempathetic.

—————————————————————————-

{ LIKES }

COLOURS: Blue, green, silver, red, black

SMELLS: Vanilla, satin sheets, grass, citrus-y, earthy, sandalwood, spicy

FOOD: Veggies mostly. Very home-grown things, Boston cream pie, popcorn

FRUITS: Pomegranate and peaches

DRINKS: Water, freshly-brewed tea, and fresh lemonade

ANIMALS: Dogs/wolves, ravens/crows, snakes

ALCOHOLIC BEVERAGES? yes [ ✓ ] || no [ ] favourites: Vodka, Whiskey, Absinthe, and rectified spirits.

HOBBIES: picking flowers, murder, messing with people, a little torture here or there, and collecting violins

—————————————————————————-

{ OTHER DETAILS }

SMOKES?: yes [] || no [] || sometimes [ ✓ ]

MEDICINAL DRUGS?: yes [] || no [] || sometimes [ ✓✓✓✓ ]

NARCOTICS?: yes [] || no [] || sometimes [ ✓ ]

DRINKS ALCOHOL?: yes [ ✓✓✓✓✓ ] || no [] || sometimes []

DRIVER LICENSE?: yes [] || no [ ✓ ]

PILOT LICENSE?: yes [] || no [ ✓ ]

EVER BEEN ARRESTED? no [] || yes [ ✓✓✓✓✓✓ ] almost []

INDULGENT FOODS?: yes [] || no [] || sometimes [ ✓ ]

SPLURGE SPENDS?: yes [] || no [] || sometimes [ ✓ ]

GAMBLES?: yes [] || no [] || sometimes [ ✓ ]

_____________________________________________________________

Aesthetics:

[ COLOURS ] red. brown. green. blue. pink. black. silver. gold. grey. metallic. royal blue. strawberry red. charcoal grey. apple red. navy blue. crimson. blood red. cobalt blue. ultramarine blue. maroon. midnight blue. periwinkle. bronze. copper. scarlet red. mahogany. cherry red. indigo. azure. cyan. sepia. hot pink. mauve. arctic blue.

[ ELEMENTS ] fire. ice. water. rain. snow. moon. stars. cold. frost. moonlight. dusk. twilight. midnight. sunset. dewdrops.

[ BODY ] claws. long fingers. lips. bruises. scars. scratches. wounds. eyes. hands. sweat. muscular. slender. hair. athletic.

[ WEAPONS ] dagger. spear. poison. throwing axes. knives. throwing knives. powers. magical items. magic. words. sewing needles. sledgehammer. crowbar. brute strength. flame thrower. shears.

[ MATERIALS ] gold. silver. diamonds. sapphires. emeralds. metal. leather. velvet. denim. brick. glitter. blood. latex. zirconia. garnet.

[ NATURE ] roses. daisies. tulips. petals. thorns. flowers. tundra. rain forest. caves. space. chrysanthemums. belladonna. crystals. autumn. winter. mist. fog.

[ ANIMALS ] wolves. black panther. owls. vultures. snakes. spiders. fish. sharks. dogs. praying mantises. crows. ravens. dragons. komodo dragons. ladybugs. gazelle. bats. scorpions.

[ FOODS/DRINKS ] salt. wine. champagne. hard liquor. spices. apple. orange. watermelon. fruits. meat. fish. caramel. nuts. cinnamon. banana. spinach. seafood. vanilla. vodka. moscato. sangria. juice. honey. pineapple. cantaloupe. tangerine. lemonade. pecan. hazelnut.

[ HOBBIES ] gardening. smithing. fighting. cooking. sewing. electronics. technology. video cameras. movies. violin. guitar. harp. motorcycle riding. running. science.

[ STYLE ] lingerie. armor. cape. dress. suit. tunic. vest. shirt. boots. heels. leggings. trousers. jeans. skirt. jewelry. earrings. necklace. bracelet. ring. pendant. hat. crown. circlet. helmet. scarf. neck tie. brocade. cloaks. corsets. doublet. chest plate. gorget. bracers. belt. sash. coat. jacket. hood. gloves. socks. masks. cowls. braces. watches. glasses. sun glasses. visor. eye contacts. makeup. platforms.

[ MISC ] balloons. bubbles. cityscape. landscape. light. dark. candles. war. peace. money. power. percussion. clocks. photos. mirrors. pets. diary. fairy lights. madness. sanity. sadness. happiness. optimism. pessimism. loneliness. family. friends. assistants. co-workers. enemies. loyalty. smoking. drugs. kindness. love. loss. hugs. kisses. cruelty. blood. torture. sex. sea shells. specimen jars. medicine bottles. bones. antlers. marbles. healer. killer. liar. dreams. nightmares. angels. demons. meditation. chimes.

STORY TIME:

Darius’ real name is Loki Loptrson. He was created by Loki (specifically my muse, LokaTattur, a.k.a. LiefullyLoki) and in some ways or another he /is/ Loki.

Darius started out solely as a thought in Loki’s mind. By this, I mean he was the dark voice in LokaTattur’s mind. We all have a dark side, we all have that little voice or conscious half that knows it’s wrong but won’t stop you from thinking of doing an evil deed. It’s your own will power that prevents you from acting out on your dark thoughts.

Darius is those dark thoughts, that whim you never let yourself take. In this particular case, he’s that for LokaTattur, or as he once was called “Liefully.” (My original Loki blog was LiefullyLoki, Darius came later and his original blog was DalieIsInYourCloset.)

My precious Liefully had once been so beaten and tortured by Thanos for a bargain he never made (his identity was mistaken since there are so many Lokis out there), that he didn’t nearly die, he truly did die. He was fortunate that another Loki, AsgardianOutcast, cared enough about him that he wasn’t willing to let Liefully stay dead. He bargained with Hel to free Liefully.

Ever since that time, Liefully was never the same again. He got PTSD, he got it really bad. Asgardian was there for him, though. And while Liefully changed into this new person, Asgardian loved him and protected him all the same.

One fateful week, Asgardian had to return to his own universe (because every Loki lives in an alternate reality) and was gone for a week because he had to go to war with another realm (he was king of Asgard). Liefully would’ve been fine spending that week alone.

The problem came in the form of Thanos.

Thanos returned to Earth to find Liefully, he started threatening those Liefully cared about to tell him where Loki is. This caused Liefully to completely snap. And Darius stepped in the place of this broken god and wielded control over Liefully’s form. Liefully was so out of sorts, he allowed his dark thoughts to manifest, become stronger, and become violent. His logic was if he could push away everyone he loved, they’d be safe from harm. They were only in danger because Loki cared about them. So he let Darius, who was only just the dark thoughts in his head at the time, take over and be as vicious and violent as he wanted all in an effort to push them away, to deter them.

Asgardian came back, and it was good that he did. He was able to snap Liefully out of it, where no one else, not even Loki’s brother, could.

But Darius didn’t want to go away. He didn’t want to recede. He had a taste of life and he wanted more. Since he knew everything there was to know about his mind-sharer, he used that to press all of Liefully’s buttons, the ones that would make him break, make him snap, so that Darius could get control again.

It wasn’t working. Asgardian was there and he was watching over Liefully carefully. Darius was soon only able to communicate with others when Liefully chose to rest. He then encountered another Loki, TheWickedLoki, who gave him a deal. Wicked would give Darius the body he wanted and Darius would do what Wicked wanted.

Darius took this deal. So, soon after, he was born to his very own body from the use of magic and the blood and hair of Loki (Wicked and yet another Loki’s hair/blood sample).

Fully grown, Darius had all of Liefully’s memories and no idea how to feel. The memories were like movies to Darius. He could see them, hear them, but he could not feel them, not smell them, not taste them. Liefully’s memories were, for the most part, useless to Darius.

However, he used a lot of them to be able to articulate, to be able to construe things, like knowing fire burns without having to feel it. This led to one factors of Darius’ fearlessness. He knew things that he didn’t have to experience. He because a highly rational thinker, disabling the needs or natural inclination for all emotions.

Darius originally had no emotions. But as time went on, he gained life experiences that he couldn’t get from Liefully’s memories. He learned what pain felt like, he learned what meat tasted like, so on and so forth. Over time, he learned many of the things we learn in our infancy and childhood.

While Darius is indeed a grown male, he is also much like a child, still learning a lot of things. His curiosity leads him to do strange things. As the once-thought of Liefully’s dark side, Darius has carried out many of the cruel acts that Liefully would think of but never dare do. So Darius’ dark inclination is because of his origins. And his behavior is due to his lack of experience in so much that we take for granted. Of course, he’s also just a big douche-bagel who loves pissing everyone off or freaking everyone out.

Darius’ weaknesses are very hard to see when one speaks with and interacts with him, but he too suffers greatly from the split. He longs for the solitude he was immensely used to. Being in his own body, Darius has learned much to his dismay that he cannot turn away from his physical senses and signals and sometimes these olfactory senses drive him mad. The silence, darkness, and solitude of Loki’s mind was an experience Darius had taken far for granted and has never been able to regain as a result of the split. Granted, he has learned to live with his olfactory senses, he stills longs for that peace of the mind.

Additional Info:

Darius was also severely desensitized to everything because he carried with him a copy of all of Loki’s memories and knowledge when he gained his own corporeal form. He has the knowledge to know the cause and effects of so many things yet he doesn’t have the feelings (physical or emotional) that are tied to the knowledge he has. One example of this is: You know that cutting your hand means it will bleed. For Darius, he has this knowledge. But before he was given his own body, he didn’t know the sensations that were tied to this. Thus, he was mentally ready for a cut of the hand and the sensations caused by the action didn’t train him to avoid being cut. Instead, when Darius experiences a cut of the hand, he registers the tingling sensations of the nerves telling him of pain, he feels his hand getting hot as blood rushes to the spot, he feels the way the cut skin reacts to any flexing movements done to it. Instead of having every desire to avoid it, these feelings make him curious. He already knows the consequences of a cut, but he doesn’t necessarily know the sensations tied to them.

So, in short, Darius doesn’t function like Loki at all. He might have Loki’s blood, Loki’s memories, and Loki’s knowledge of magic, potions, and spells, but he’s not Loki. He’s only part of Loki. Both he and Loki are parts of one another, yet they act as separate wholes.

(Daria = Darius’s female name)

Common Misconceptions About Darius:

Emotions (this one is long): A lot of people are very used to a character that possesses emotions, even if they’re hidden/masked. For Loki, most expect him to be angry when he brings pain to others, even if he’s clearly laughing maniacally as he does it. Your instinct is to assume he has some kind of negative emotions burrowing deep within that cause him to do what he does. Everyone has the instinct that behind every action and saying, there’s some emotion driving it. Darius wasn’t born like a normal individual. He didn’t have a childhood. He didn’t develop a brain like we do. Darius was born in the mind of another, completely devoid of feeling emotions toward what he could hear and see and having the wisdom and comprehension of one who has already learned the rewards and consequences of their actions. He was designed to function without emotional bias. After he was kind of transplanted from one mind to his own body to control, this is when Darius began developing his own olfactory senses. He’s still learning a lot! But for the most part, his mental state was developed before he obtained a physical form, so he processes everything very differently from others!!! We know not to do certain things because of their consequences, like sticking your hand in a fire burns and hurts. For Darius, he knows full well the consequences for his actions, but instead of fearing getting hurt, he finds it a mind-boggling function of the physical form and tries to understand it by doing that which most would learn not to do when they were young. He’s not biased by emotional responses because he has not developed emotions enough to have emotional responses. So he doesn’t feel afraid to get hurt, he doesn’t have any phobias and worries about one thing or another because he didn’t develop like a child would. Despite being incredibly intelligent and calculating, there’s a whole lot he doesn’t know, a whole lot that he didn’t have the benefits of a childhood to develop so while he is most certainly a full-grown adult, he is also a child about many things, emotions being one of them. He has himself psyched out to think he can’t feel and when you have never felt emotions before, it’s very hard to identify them within yourself. Every emotion he learns is heavily tied to the physical indicators of that emotional response. And since he has a lifetime stuffed in his head that’s completely devoid of the emotional context of each memory (we’re talking about Loki’s memories, not Darius’ memories), he’s come to expect that level of emotional magnitude, which is no feelings. To him, a lot of things are like watching a film. He can see what’s happening and hear what’s happening, but he has no emotional context for those things so what he sees doesn’t inspire emotional responses. So to put things simply, Darius is almost completely lacking in emotions. He’s learning them slowly, but for now, he hasn’t felt the full emotional spectrum.

Getting angry: A lot of people are very used to being able to piss someone off by calling them names or drudging up unfavorable memories for that individual or even physically poking and prodding them until they burst with rage. Well, that stuff doesn’t work on Darius. Being one that lacks the ability to feel irrationally emotional over things, calling him names are either interpreted as “Duh” or “That’s weird, but okay.” You can totally call him a blueberry or a smurf, he isn’t going to get mad. His thought process works this way: “Oh, I see what you’re doing there. You’re calling me a blueberry because my skin’s blue.” And insinuating names that most would find insulting like “retard,” he just sees the misconception of the name. It’d be like calling a cat a dog. The cat doesn’t care what you call it, even if that’s an incorrect identification of the animal. It’s going to continue going about it’s catty business. As far as Darius is concerned, you can call him a horse-fucker (since people sometimes mistake him for Loki who once did the deed with a horse) and all he thinks is “Well, I didn’t fuck a horse, so you’re wrong. That’s on you, not me. -shrug-” Darius has absolutely no emotional response that will drive him to want to contradict someone’s accusation of him. Someone can be like “I bet you can’t do that!” and he’ll respond with “Yeah, I can.” and if they say “Prove it!” He’d just be like “Why? I don’t care if you believe me or not. That doesn’t change the fact that I can do what I said I can do.” It’s another misconception that he feels grumpy. He might act and sound grumpy, but he’s rarely in this negative end of the spectrum.

Murderer’s gonna do what a murderer’s gonna do: A lot of people think “Oh shit, Darius is a murderer, he’s a psychopath, he’s sadistic. Fuck, my muse is doomed.” Nope, that’s not quite so. Sure there’ll be times where Darius will blatantly hurt your muse, but he gets a lot of fun from picking them apart psychologically. He loves to try to figure out what makes people tick. So you can expect him entering in conversations with muses and be several replies in without having made any actual life-threatening actions or threats toward your muse’s life. He may be a murderer but murdering takes energy and sometimes he just doesn’t feel like murdering, sometimes he just wants to talk. I’m not saying that’s a good thing! Sometimes he uses conversation to learn of someone’s weaknesses and insecurities so he can use that against them later. He’s a man without a plan, but he acts like someone who knows exactly what he’s doing. He’s strange like that. Besides, one of his most popularly repeated sayings is “Dead things are no fun.” He gets a lot more enjoyment in ‘experimenting’ on others. He loves to test the boundaries and

My muse is going to annoy the fuck out of him: This is really similar to getting angry, being that it’s nearly impossible to annoy Darius. All the usual tactics one can employ to annoy someone don’t really work on Darius. You can’t talk his ear off, he’ll listen patiently. You can’t insult him, he wouldn’t care. You can’t drudge up bad memories, he doesn’t have them. You can pull pranks on him and he’ll usually respond in the most anti-climactic way. A most commonly referred to example is the time an Anon decided to dunk hot salsa all over him. He didn’t get mad, he was more like “Really? What a waste of salsa.” No “WHY DID YOU DO THAT, YOU LITTLE BITCH, IMMA WRONG YOUR NECK.” It was just “Darn, I just took a shower too. Guess I have to go take another one now…” That’s not to say it’s impossible to annoy him. The ways in which Darius functions.

Reverse Psychology: It generally doesn’t work on him. You’ll never know if saying “Leave me alone” will make him want to stay and continue causing trouble for your muse or if he’ll be like “Okay, bye.” Likely, if he knows what your muse wants, he makes the conscious choice of whether or not he wants to give it to them. It’s going to be a 50/50 chance. If your muse tries to psyche him out by stating something to the opposite of what they want him to follow through with, chances are he’ll follow through with that thing the muse told him to do. This is really complicated and I can’t give any solid examples as to what I mean. It’s a little like Princess Bride, that scene where Westley and the balding guy had a duel of witts. Darius is Westley in that case. Your muse will likely lose one way or another.

He’s dark, he’s into the kinky shit: Not necessarily. He gets off on feeling power but he doesn’t exactly get a hard-on if it’s clear your muse is in pain. He likes knowing he’s in control and hates not being in control. He’s not a Dom, he’s an attacker, there’s a huge difference. Mainly being, there’s no such thing as a safe word for him. He’s going to do what satisfies his carnal needs and will probably make little effort to ensure his partner is also enjoying things. This doesn’t mean he’s into hand cuffs, leather, whips, chains, etc. He’s a little less easy to pin than that. It doesn’t mean he’s not open to those things, but usually he’s going to do things his way or he’s going to leave and find someone else to “play” with.

FACECLAIMS

In case anyone’s confused… Darius is blue skinned and his eyes are solid red. Darius’ skin has thinly raised jotun marking all over his body. Like this:

He has TWO male face claims. One is Tom Hiddleston (as Loki):

And the other is Ian Somerhalder (as Damon):

The reason for this is because Damon has a lot of mannerisms that are very Darius-like to me. But in my mind, he still looks like Tom Hiddleston’s Loki, regardless of the face claim.

Darius’ female face claim is Eva Green (in various roles):

Quirks my muse occassionally has (note: quirk definitions not written by me):

Smoking: the action or habit of inhaling and exhaling the smoke of tobacco or a drug.

Binge drinking: the consumption of an excessive amount of alcohol in a short period of time.

Drug abuse: the habitual taking of illegal drugs.

Night Owl: a person who is habitually active or wakeful at night.

Early bird: a person who rises, arrives, or acts before the usual or expected time.

Negative attitudes: a philosophy of approaching life with criticism and pessimism.

Swearing: the use of offensive language.

Inspecting fingernails: a common body language sign of boredom.

Foot and finger tapping: a common body language sign of stress/impatience.

Nose touch: a subtle body language sign of deceit.

Flipping hair: a common body language sign of craving attention.

Cracking knuckles: a common body language sign of readiness.

Hands behind back: a common body language sign of confidence.

Finger pointing: a common body language sign of authority.

Hands on hips: a common body language sign of readiness.

Hands in pockets: a common body language sign of mistrust/reluctance.

Frequent touch: a common body language sign of warmth/familiarity.

Jaw-clenching: a common body language sign of hostility.

Eye-rolling: a common body language sign of irritation.

Head-tilt: a common body language sign of interest.

Whistling: to emit high-pitched sound by forcing breakthrough a small hole between one’s lips or teeth; usually to a tune.

Humming: make a low, steady continuous sound like that of a bee; usually to a tune.

Photographic memory: the ability to remember information or visual images in great detail.

Paranoia: a mental condition characterized by delusions of persecution, unwarranted jealousy, or exaggerated self-importance, typically worked into an organized system.

Exaggeration: a statement that represents something as better or worse than it really is.

Quick-witted: showing or characterized by an ability to think or respond quickly and effectively.

Interrupting: breaking the continuity of a conversation with one’s own statements.

Gambling: to play games of chance for money; bet.

Melancholy: a feeling of pensive sadness, typically with no obvious cause.

Fidgeting: to make small movements, especially of the hands and feet, through nervousness or impatience.

Skeptical: not easily convinced; having doubts or reservations.

Abbreviating: Giving others nicknames/shortening names/giving pet names.

guess who doesn’t give a fuck about your opinion

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lirending-blog · 5 years

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Future of suicidal prevention: Artificial Intelligence?

Tool, not solution.

Technology is not the answer. but instead, raised more problem. But- it’s not necessarily a bad thing.

People – especially young people from 15-24, have never been suiciding so much as today, and they have not been expressing suicidal thoughts so openly and frequently, due to the space proved by media platforms. After many astonishing livestream Facebook suicides, the platform took action in 2017. Their answer is to use Artificial Intelligence to actively scan suicidal posts and act accordingly.

It seem to be reasonable- by estimation there is 20 or more non-fatal attempted suicides for each succeed death, and the early detection can be helpful in this way. Despite the development of detection technique, the suicide rate is still climbing, which raised the question whether these kind of innovation is really helpful.

In the last 10 years, AI suicidal prevention is more passive compared to today: When you search suicide on websites or tell Siri you’re going to kill yourself- information about helpline will be shown.

Siri can respond in multiple languages, according to simple key words such as “suicide”. Search engines worldwide does the similar. When you actively type in words such as ‘suicide’, the provider would offer you 24 hour suicide prevention hotlines and online resources.

Before turning to AI in 2017, Facebook relies also on user reporting - You can flag content as suicidal in Facebook, and the operation team will act accordingly.

But for the first time, started in 2017; Facebook are using AI programme to actively scanning through the post - even images and Facebook Livestream, to actively seek for possible suicidal contents. Similar research initiated in China, April 2018, ‘tree hole bot’ begin the scanning on Weibo (Biggest social platform in China).

How can AI understand “the one truly philosophical problem”- Suicide?

How hard can it be? Well, people can clam ‘suicide’ and totally not mean it at all. “If I hear that song again, I’m gonna kill myself” is certainly not suicidal if you ask most of us; but how can you teach AI to learn contextual meaning? On contrary, the truly suicidal posts may without words like “kill myself” or “suicide”. A post as simple as ‘Goodbye’ can be the last message of somebody before suicide.

The technology behind this is Machine Learning. Now it can achieve 80—90% accuracy in identifying suicide contents. How can we do that?

Also look at comments under the original post, and the time when it is posted: there are time in a day people commit more suicide.

Each combinations of words are given positive or negative values, and they are sum-up by certain algorithm. When the outcome is beyond a certain value (the ‘threshold’ set by comparing a range of previous posts thought suicidal), the post will be reviewed by human reviewer. Those are trained members of their community operations team, can provide help with resources that is shown only to the suicidal individual. It is for themselves to decide whether to click on the link provided and seek for help.

FB claims working on suicide prevention; This act is to create a safe community “on and off Facebook”.

This safe act does not feel so safe on some points. A range of new concerns are raised:

Maybe, you can get police knock on your door when Facebook see your post as “having tendency of immediate self-harm”, but you thought you are expressing feelings in an anonymous way …This is almost Like being surveillance by “Big brother”.

Nevertheless, successfully identify suicidal posts does not mean we can successfully stop them.

When we reach a point, that technology can do only this much. There is one giant Gap lies between technology and problem solving. Then we realize technology is not the answer-but the problematic tool that can be misused, or the Pandora’s box- it is trouble itself.

Given this, should we or should we not continue developing this tool? If we’re not to abandon it, how should we regulate it/ use it in the right way?

Firstly, what are the main ethnical issues?

Is the research ethical?

The Research (or, to be called experiments) conducted on emotion and mental state of vulnerable people with risk of self-harming, without acknowledging its user (no data was announced to the public, too).

The research may seem beneficial to its users, but the actual benefits, as do potential harms remain unclear. Both risks and benefits cannot be assessed, as Facebook is not sharing its results. In the report Facebook repeatedly claim the research is done with “external” experts, suggesting there is nothing to do with its own interests.

Are we more naked than ever?

If they can identify ‘suicidal’ thoughts and emotion through AI, then it can potentially identify other emotional status other than people at risk, and thus we are selling our privacy to big companies for exchange of ‘safety’.

Or, it raises the doubt that if FB is only doing this to comfort people’s panic on those suicidal live videos:

On one hand, Facebook says in a statement sent to Medscape Medical News:

"Mental health experts say that one of the best ways to prevent suicide is for people in distress to hear from friends and family who care about them. We can connect those in distress with friends (and also organizations) who can offer support."

On the other hand, to protect the privacy of its users, the post marked as “private” will not be evaluated by AI. Nor will they inform ‘friends’ and ‘families’, of course; The platform will only interfere manually when there is sign of imminent harm.

This is basically saying:

We care only when you’re expressing suicidal thoughts publicly, which harms the safety of our platform. You can kill yourself if your wish, but not in my backyard (platform).

What’s worse- there is too many legal blank space in there. Compare to the history of our legal practise, the history of AI working on social media is too short. There is currently no or little way through laws to regulate those directly.

And is it REALLY working?

In China’s case, the AI is not developed by the platform, but the individual researcher Huang Zhisheng and the volunteering team, which reveals more acute problems in its saving operations.

Till March 2019, the team has launched more than 700 rescues, 320 of which have been rescued- in 6 months. That is to say, more than half of the rescues failed. Did the rescue operation “saved” 320, or did it end in killing the other half?

All data analysed by Huang’s team are public posts. But we still don’t know when is a good time to contact people via Private chat. Bullying, academic and relationship pressure might be solved by consulting, but how about debt and family abuse? At what point should we inform the police? After saving the suicide person once, what about the follow-ups? The volunteers also pay their own money into operations, since they are founded by no one.

All is making Huang’s attempt a good academic practise in AI, but not solving suicide, the social problem we aimed at with AI.

Compared to this, Facebook is doing relatively better but connecting the resource to individuals. But we can certainly do better.

Where are we going?

AI is a great tool, but not the solution. We don’t yet know how to use it properly -For now. The practise of AI suicidal analysis only began at 2017. two years is still a short time to see what this AI can do.

The first we need is transparency. Beyond the ethics, the performance of algorithms for detecting suicide risk are best optimized through the joint force of researchers across the field of machine learning and cognitive neuroscience. Facebook could be an invaluable tool to develop AI studies.

In order to help the social problem of suicide, medical facilities and researchers on mental health and society should be involved. This could attract founding on certain professional research team, and do long-term help on mental health. The greatest benefit is achieved by those working together rather than separately.

Laws and Regulations should follow, to aid platforms cooperating to external resources. Only by this way AI suicide prevention can be truly used to do some good, rather than being a toy to comfort our worries.

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philosofangirl · 7 years

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Fan Theory: Perception of Time in VK/VKM

Hello VK/Zeki Fam, long time no see! *Hugs everybody*

I’ve been offline for a millennia due to a new job and family life stuffz but I I finally have some free time to go into the VK meta I’ve been dying to sink my teeth in to! (beware, there may be terrible puns ahead. You’ve been warned.)

From what I’ve seen in the Vampire Knight meta-sphere, reactions towards the past two chapters are mixed, leaning towards the Hino-san, what the fruitcake are you doing to us now? end of the spectrum.

@getoffthesoapbox @soulisthirsty @zerolover66 and others before me have written some excellent analyses & theories, and I don’t plan on doing a full rehash. Instead, I’d like to propose a different theory...

I’ll start this fan theory with a question: Do Yuuki and Zero perceive time differently?

This may seem like an odd question, so let me break it down.

Do people perceive time differently?

It can be argued that they do. You often hear folks talk about “life changing experiences” or how a near death experience alters their perspective. If you are diagnosed with a terminal illness, and know that you only have a few months left to live, your perception of time will likely be very different than that of a healthy teenager. Even though both individuals could theoretically die in a freak accident at the same time, or the sick individual finds a miracle cure, the way they value their time, more likely than not, differs.

You can also look at it this way: one year to a 3-year-old is 1/3 of their life, whereas one year to an 80-year-old is 1/80 of their life. Time passes differently for children versus adults.

Which leads me to another question:

In Vampire Knight, do mortals with finite time perceive time passing differently than immortals with infinite time?

From what we’ve been shown canonically, I believe there’s a chance that the answer is yes.

Let’s take a look at a scene from VKM chapter 10:

In this panel Yuuki comments that 60 months feels like 1 month.**

60 months = 5 years

That means 5 years feels like 1 month of “normal life” (basically 1 month to the rest of us.)

Take your age and divide it by 5. If you’re 20 years old, that’s the equivalent of 4 months.

(More under the cut!)

I’m no math whiz (believe me haha) but I found this factoid intriguing because I believe it gives us some insight into how much time has “passed” for Yuuki, and what time feels like to purebloods. It’s easy for human fans like us to question how Zeki could be together for so long without significant progression, but, if Yuuki perceives time differently, it could explain a lot about her character.

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Overly simplistic calculation time: let’s go with how long 50 years “feels” like:

(note: if my calculations are incorrect hit me up, math and I are barely on speaking terms xD )

12 months * 50 years = 600 months

Let x = the amount of time 50 years feels like to a pureblood. (Keep in mind, 60 months feels like 1 month)

1 month / 60 months = x /600 months

60x = 600

x= 10 months

That’s less than a year.

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So, do mortals and immortals view time differently?

Going off what Yuuki said and my calculations above, I believe they do! Another canonical example of this can be found in Yori & Hanabusa. Yori openly wonders how different her life would be if she had the same amount of time to do things as Hanabusa. Hanabusa also expressed that he wanted to cherish every moment because he knew just how fleeting their time together would be. Even after Yori’s death, he still looks young, and as a noble vampire he will probably live on for many, many years.

The pressure of Yori aging spurred their relationship development, and they got married before any of the other characters in relationships (that we know of.) This wasn’t by accident. In contrast, vampires like Shiki and Rima never had that kind of pressure (at least not after Rido was dealt with) so they could wait 50 years before getting married. This didn’t seem to faze either of them. Also, in Volume 1 Ichijou celebrates his 18th “human” birthday, showing that vampires do seem to measure time differently (though I can’t recall whether this was ever thoroughly explained.)

Back to the original question: Do Yuuki and Zero perceive time differently?

I believe this answer is an unequivocal yes, and arguably this difference in perception has led to Zeki not being on the same page romantically speaking. I would argue that this difference has also played a key role in their different character motivations. They may have the same destination in mind (marriage, babies, happily ever after and all that jazz), but they are not in agreement about how long it should take (or what it will take) to get there.

Let’s start with their childhoods:

ZERO grew up in a family of hunters. He always felt he needed to take on a heavier load to ease Ichiru’s burden. Hunters, given the nature of their profession, almost certainly have a high mortality rate, and low life expectancy rate. They’re trained to fight, but they can still die in combat. This is something that Zero is aware of from a very young age. Then, Zero’s family is attacked by Shizuka and he is damned, doomed to become a level E. Every day he knows there’s a chance he can go mad, hurt someone and be killed by one of his comrades. It even drove him to the point of suicide. Thinking you can die or lose control at any moment isn’t the sort of mentality that easily goes away. He always slept with a weapon close at hand for a reason.

YUUKI, in comparison, did not grow up with constant reminders of death. At a young age, she was very sheltered and told she would live forever as Kaname’s bride. In high school her lost past and vampires concerned her, but she didn’t live in fear of death every moment of her life. When she was reawakened she discovers anew that she will live forever, outliving everything apart from other purebloods. It takes her some time to adjust to this reality. At one point she convinces herself that the only way to fix everything is to sacrifice herself. But in this scenario she was the biggest threat to herself, since Zero and Kaname were ready to do just about anything to stop it.

When Kaname sacrificed himself, she made it her mission to return the favor and atone for her sins one day. Suddenly she was no longer going to live forever, now she would live up until the time was right. Yet, just like the concept of “forever”, there’s no exact date so how long she has remains rather vague beyond “sometime far into the future.”

Given their backgrounds and physical differences, I posit that the two of them view time very differently, and this difference needs to be communicated. Is 50 years a long time? Yes, yes it is. Does this excuse letting problems fester this long? No, it does not.

However, even though Zero deserves all the patience awards for how long he’s stayed by Yuuki’s side, if my theory is correct, Yuuki perceives her time together with Zero the way an immortal pureblood would, not a human being nor a soldier. Being a pureblood likely exacerbates this compared to the average vampire. This discrepancy could mean 50 years to Yuuki feels like 10 months, but 50 years to Zero actually feels like 50. It may sound absurd to us, but we’re talking about immortal fictional creatures after all.

Now hold onto your hats, because I believe the implications go beyond her relationship to Zero.

Other Out-There Theories

Theory #1: given Yuuki’s perception of time, her carefree attitude, and her idea of what being in a relationship consists of, there’s a chance that Yuuki still “feels” like a teenager. Even Zero commented offhandedly that Ai acts more mature than Yuuki. In some ways that’s why the people around her (particularly Yori and Zero) say they love her—a certain loveable idiot/ innocence and uncomplicated desire for the people around her to be happy. I believe her pureblood influenced perception of time, (and possibly self if she really sees herself as a teenager and not a grown woman) is at the root of her stagnation. Compared to her 3 thousand year old parents, being ~80 would still be seen as very young for a pureblood.

Theory #2: I, like many readers, had hoped that Yuuki would mature during this period post Kaname, and in some small/subtle ways I believe she has. When Yuuki says “there’s nothing innocent about us anymore” in VKM10, I recalled her time with Zero in the shower at Cross Academy, which in many ways was portrayed as a “loss of innocence” and a “sin.” But then after her arc 1 development you go to arc 2 where Yuuki is treated like a child and a doll by Kaname. Maybe her perception of who she really is got screwed up along the way.

Yuuki has gone through a lot, and even she has noted just how much time has passed. She let her hair grow out, she had a kid. Yet, she still clings to Kaname, a symbol of her childhood, when the healthy thing would be to move forward for the sake of those around her. Others have theorized that this might be related to some sort of trauma. If Yuuki really does still “feel” like or “see herself” as a teenager, and 50 years feels like 10 months, the wounds caused by Kaname would still feel very raw.

I have PTSD myself, and sometimes an event that happened four years ago feels like it happened just yesterday. I can’t imagine what it would be like to live with it while holding a skewed perception of time. It’s not as simple as “getting over it” and letting time take its course. I believe the only way she can get back on the preferred path is to confront what happened to her head on. Only time and Hino will tell whether that happens. Until Yukki deals with these issues and learns to step forward, she’ll remain stagnant.

Why would Hino do something like this?!

Some of you may be wondering: teenage Yuuki again? What does Yuuki “feeling” like a teenager mean? I believe it means that she can also, at times, still act like one. At the end of the day this is a shoujo manga, and the largest reading demographic will be teenage girls who need to relate with the characters. Plus, it’s a story; conflict drives the plot engine along. I suspect this was intentional on Hino’s part, but maybe I’m giving her and the character too much credit o.o’

What would this discrepancy mean for Zeki?

I predict how time passes/ how they perceive time passing will probably come up (and definitely should come up) at one point in their relationship. After all, if Yuuki is just biding her time while Zero is counting every day, the narrative will grow dull and things will not turn out well. If they’re not on the same page, how could things work out between them?

We’ve already seen it on the character’s minds to a degree: Yuuki expressed her fear of abandonment/ loneliness/ oblivion in arc 2, and Zero has reminded Yuuki that her time is her own to spend how she pleases. How one spends their time and with whom one spends their time is a recurring theme. It took a long time (practically 2/3 of the original series) for Yuuki and Zero to accept their very existence as pureblood and hunter, but they’ve never had to really work at the logistics of a romantic relationship between a pureblood and non-pureblood (something we haven’t seen, at least not any longterm/ healthy ones.)

With Yori’s death and Ai in sleep mode, I expect to see time and how they spend their time to crop up again.

Throw away observations:

If Yuuki has difficulty assessing the passage of time, it makes it that much easier for her to cling to certain portions of her past. In some ways, when Kaname changed her he was trying to encase her in resin like the rose, almost freeze her in time as the loving girl he desired. Yori, and to an extent Ai, probably served as reminders that time was passing in a world where most of the people Yuuki deals with pretty much stay forever young. It’s possible that, despite time passing, she herself is still frozen. Yuuki has been shown as sentimental on several occasions, including VKM 10 where she explains why she still holds on to her charm bracelet. She talks about keeping it as a reminder of her promise and as a reminder of a time when she was human. But, as she’s shown on numerous occasions, she’s a vampire. Body and soul. She has no plans to change that, yet she still clings to a piece of her humanity.

Interestingly, in VKM before Zero’s death Yuuki said she would devour him showing her love “the way vampires do.” In VK, drinking the blood of your beloved, the only one who can quench your thirst, is how vampires traditionally express their love for one another. In VKM10, when Zeki are discussing their relationship and Zero asks what a restart means, she begins with several very innocent, naive suggestions that harken back to their days at Cross Academy. Soon after, in one of their first on screen “acts” as an official couple, Yuuki tells Zero to drink her blood to the last drop.

This scene is controversial among Zeki fans given its (some would say Yume-like) undertones. But, it got me wondering whether Yuuki really knows how to participate in a mature relationship, whether either of them know how to be in a healthy romantic relationship. If Yuuki thinks “drinking blood is the way vampires show their love for one another” and she acted on that, then is she just going through the motions and doing what she thinks she should be like she did in the Kuran Manor? Or, was this just a natural impulse? (oh, the multitude of interpretations!)

I think Yuuki’s desire for something “human”, or her image and expectations from when she was a human teenager, could be in conflict with what she believes vampires are supposed to do. This inner struggle between her two selves may have cause the disconnect and tone shift.

This is all conjecture, so hopefully we’ll see more of what’s going on inside Yuuki’s head in the chapters to come. I keep thinking back to Yuuki’s dark expression when talking to Ai as a child about the relationship between the three MCs, and of the mystery box. Perhaps it’s just wishful thinking on my part, but I don’t think Yuuki is as daft or simple as she’s sometimes portrayed to be.

That’s all folks!

Thanks for reading my philosophizing this far! Please let me know what you think, or if you have theories of your own!

Philosofangirl, out.

**Note: So far, we have no way of knowing how subjective this statement is. This could be Yuuki’s interpretation of time, or it could be accepted as common knowledge by purebloods. All the same, if this is what Yuuki believes then this informs how she perceives time passing, and I believe Hino included this detail deliberately.

#Vampire Knight #vampire knight memories #vkm #fan theory #text #zeki #radiant zeki #time #philosophizing #wild mad guessing #meta #yuuki kiryuu

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mandyjane-lifedesign · 3 years

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The hidden cost of depression

The hidden cost of depression is far worse than most people realise. Due to the stigma attached to mental health issues, and despite the drive to encourage people to open up, many people still hide their depression. The stigma due to many seeing mental health issues as weakness still has a strong influence. Cases of depression remain underreported. Globally, more than 264 million people of all ages suffer from depression A recent example is the tennis player, Naomi Osaka who held on for as long as she could until she reached breaking point. She withdrew from the tennis French Open and the response from the organisers of the tournament was ignorant and unsympathetic. Refreshingly, she was bold in challenging the existing social norms and procedures - probably at great cost to her physical and mental health. There is so much pressure to achieve and be strong in the face of all sorts of pressure and depression is perceived as a flighty, flaky response to very real mental health issues. The reality of depression If the true picture came out, I think everyone would be astonished at the widespread nature of depression, and anxiety for that matter. Some individuals may have depression without even realising it because their deflated nature has become normalised and they have become accustomed and desensitized to its impact. It is common knowledge that one in four of us suffer from a mental health disorder currently. Being a counsellor affords you a far more realistic picture of the cost of depression and of what is actually going on. Time and time again, I see people putting on a brave face and acting as if their lives are fantastic, when I know for a fact that they are struggling. Their social media feeds are jammed with pictures of them looking lively with big grins on their faces. They are the same people that I had seen earlier that day telling me how they cannot cope with life. What does this say about Society? We all want to pretend that we have things under control but many of us don't. The fact that we keep our mental health issues hidden means that many people cope alone, despite the fact that even their best friend may be going through a similar experience... No one talks about it. Many people are just barely coping The Covid pandemic has massively increased cases of depression and anxiety. Many people admit that they had no issues prior to Covid emerging but have now become depressed and have needed antidepressants to get through. Was partly exacerbated by our evolutionary wiring. We are designed to protect ourselves from threat but there are many 'threats' that we cannot escape - Uncertainty - Debt/ financial worries - Traffic Jams - Infidelity - Relationship issues - Corrupt politicians and things that are out of our control - Unemployment - Stiff competition in the workplace and pressure to achieve (perfectionism is on the rise) - Pressure to fit in and not appear to be a loser - Social media pressure - look perfect or else feel you're not good enough - Instability - Loneliness - Lack of traditional family support and community support There are so many threats in our society. They are not quite the same as the lions/predators that prowled eons ago but they activate our fight-flight-freeze response in exactly the same way. Feeling constantly under threat is exhausting for the body and can lead to increased depression and anxiety. It's a never-ending cycle. The hidden cost of depression is evident if you take the time to look First of all, think about yourself and those closest to you. I am pretty sure that you can think of more than one or two people that have been touched by depression or mental illness. Depression statistics: In 2019/20 stress, depression or anxiety accounted for 51% of all work-related ill health cases and 55% of all working days lost due to work-related ill health. Stress, depression or anxiety is more prevalent in public service industries, such as education; health and social care; and public administration and defence. Close to 800 000 people die due to suicide every year. Suicide is the second leading cause of death in 15-29-year-olds. All forms of depressive disorder experience some of the following symptoms: - (a) reduced concentration and attention; - (b) reduced self-esteem and self-confidence; - (c) ideas of guilt and unworthiness (even in a mild type of episode); - (d) bleak and pessimistic views of the future; - (e) ideas or acts of self-harm or suicide; - (f) disturbed sleep - (g) diminished appetite. Self-actualisation and the cost of depression It is impossible to become your best possible self if you are depressed. When you are severely depressed you cannot function correctly. Motivation disappears and attending to personal hygiene can even become mature and almost impossible to achieve. Many people with depression withdraw from others and refrain from socialising. They also lose all interest in activities and things that used to bring them joy. Their thoughts become distorted and they become highly self-critical and feel frequently unworthy. Depression affects every area of life: It affects your work life because you are unable to concentrate and you lack motivation. It affects personal relationships because you do not interact in the same way and you don't really enjoy things anymore that you used to with your partner/friends. Your ability to achieve your true potential because self-doubt rains when you are depressed and you are frequently in survival mode - just trying to get through the days. If you are a parent it will affect your ability to be an effective parent. Depression also affects self-esteem and self-confidence. There isn't an area of a life that escapes the impact of depression and on top of that, there is the added strain of trying to appear fine in front of everyone else. It's a lonely mental health disorder to experience and live with. Talking openly about depression We can promote as many mental health events and create mental health campaigns but until we show others that reducing the stigma will only happen if we all start admitting to our own depressive episodes. As a therapist it is even more unacceptable to admit to suffering from depression. I have experienced depression since I was very young and that was part of reason why I became a cognitive behavioural therapist. I wanted to understand and what depression was all about and find ways to alleviate its symptoms. My research has as revealed many interesting techniques and strategies, and my studies in cognitive behavioural therapy have definitely helped me me to manage depression far more effectively. Therapists are still people though and we are all acceptable to challenges that life brings us. In fact having personally experience depression and anxiety helps me be far more empathetic towards my clients. Depression is far more widespread than we all all believe and if only we all turned up to this fact, we could reduce the stigma in a relatively quick time. Don't ever feel ashamed to admit if you have had or that you are currently suffering from depression. Depression in my mind is as common as low self-esteem, perfectionism (which is rife) self-doubt. It doesn't just happen to weak and vulnerable people. In fact it happens to to amazing intelligent successful people and when we we integrate the symptoms and experiences of depression it's normal life with everybody talks about it naturally, many people will no longer have to suffer alone. Mandy X Photo by Tom Pumford on Unsplash References: https://www.hse.gov.uk/statistics/causdis/stress https://www.who.int/news-room/fact-sheets/detail/depression Read the full article

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frankiepaigewrites · 7 years

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Notes on craft: Point of View

Since last year’s PNWA conference, I’ve been doing everything in my power to delay writing up my notes. Moved house. Decided to hire an editor and substantially rewrite the manuscript. Sprained a thumb. (Playing tag with a five-year-old. Sheesh.) Decided to write submissions for three categories of this year’s PNWA contest. Got flu. Decided to sort out all of my husband’s childhood LEGO (and got diagnosed with “collection OCD” by the guys at my local used LEGO store). So, yeah...

We still haven’t properly unpacked, but I’ve just found my 2016 notebook, so let’s take it from the top. First on the agenda, Point of View as explained by the award-winning writer and instructor, Scott Driscoll.

Word of warning: this is not your usual POV approach, where the question is only Who Speaks? For Scott, the issue is much larger:

Three main POVs:

Flaneur

Objective Observation

Free Indirect Discourse

Four elements of POV:

Who Speaks?

To Whom?

On what Occasion?

From what Distance?

Who Speaks?

Types of speaker (these are broken down differently by different people, but I find this one clear):

3rd person - closed - limited - omniscient

2nd person - “you” as “I” - “you” as “you”

1st person - singular (“I”) - plural (“we”)

(This is taken from https://theprintedglobe.wordpress.com/2009/09/29/welcome-back-writers/, where you'll also find good examples of each speaker. In that post, however, POV is equated with Who Speaks. One closer to the one attempted here is available from https://prezi.com/iwnzl_wgvhxy/point-of-view.)

Other things to consider when analysing the speaker are: is the speaker part of the story, outside of it but part of the universe, or entirely external?

To Whom? Who’s listening?

Types of listener (not exhaustive):

contemporary, future, past

peer, superior, child etc.

internal or external (self and/or anyone interested - typical in flaneur POV)

There can be different listeners even within the scene, with a character listener pitted against the one the speaker is actually addressing (on the outside of the story world, or at a different time within the story, for example).

On what Occasion?

The reader needs to know what's coming to have the patience for what leads to The Occasion. This needs to be established quickly, so the reader can see the purpose of listening to all the details of the world and the character's life. It gives the reader an inkling of how the events being described fit into the overall purpose of the story. (And it helps the writer decide what is not essential and can be taken out.)

From what Distance?

Can be temporal, physical or psychic, and each of those can be set at different levels (near ↔ far). For example, something can be happening right now, but be retold with great detachment from the speaker, or might have happened a long time ago and far away, but still cause deep emotion.

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Flaneur, Observation, and Free Indirect Discourse are the three main narrative devices (POVs) that create contrast within the story. Contrast is necessary if the reader is to stay involved and have the patience to listen to all the details. It is established by moving between the three levels (views) in a way that creates pace, breathing space and context.

FLANEUR is the “highest” point of view. It is a floating, dispassionate consciousness. It offers commentary (through adverbs, metaphors) and conclusions, and usually uses words the character wouldn't use (longer, more insightful, with more complex syntax). Flaneur's listener is him/herself, the reader, and anyone interested. It can be used in any person (1st, 2nd, or 3rd). It often manifest as a discourse on a subject, and does not “tag back” to the designated character (speaker) while it's in use. It is not an omniscient narrator, because it does not offer ready values, meanings and does not pass judgement. It's more of an objective observer offering an insight that links the events of the story to broader human experience. It is necessary because it illuminates the character's values, and “every character who matters stands on a value.” Otherwise, the reader won't care for their experiences. Flaneur voice is best used after an observation, or else it feels forced by the author. It is also best left for after the reader’s already hooked and knows what’s coming, or they won’t have the patience for it.

(Metaphor, adverbs are commentary, they come from narrative distance, so use sparingly. They are useful when your character is really suffering and you want to create some breathing space for the reader.)

OBJECTIVE OBSERVATION is the workhorse of narration, it's the voice that gets the job done. (Those doors won't open themselves!) It accounts for about 70-80% of fiction content that's not scene or dialogue. In the objective observation POV, there's no character at all. This is the level of surface noticing, where the reader gets connected to the world. It is vital if the reader is to believe what the author offers on the other two POV levels.

(Try this: pull out something of yours that feels stale, and deliberately exaggerate surface noticing, detail.)

FREE INDIRECT DISCOURSE is the closest to the character. It's inside the head of the character (but not the voice in character's head). It's whatever voice you use for that character, but usually delivered in fragments, short bursts (snapshots) of internal experience. If carried on too long, it becomes stream of consciousness, and can quickly tire the reader due to its claustrophobic nature. Free indirect discourse, like flaneur, does not tag back to the character. (“He thought...” or “She wondered...” take the reader out of the character's head and into objective or subjective observation.)

Contrast is thus created by mixing up those three POVs, but this cannot be done chaotically. The two most common (natural-feeling to the reader) ways of doing this are:

pyramid scene structure: flaneur (wide POV) → objective observation (closer) → subjective observation (closer) → free indirect discourse (extremely narrow)

(Most common and transfers the reader naturally, with the contrast existing between scenes rather than within one scene.)

diamond scene structure: subjective observation (close) → objective observation (widening perspective) → flaneur (commentary, human experience) → free indirect discourse (back to narrow perspective)

(With this structure, the reader feels like they've stayed close all the time, but they get a 3D experience. The contrast between the scenes is not as obvious, with the transition feeling more seamless.)

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Some examples:

Flaneur

Death Comes for the Archbishop, by Willa Cather

(Setup: toward the end of the novel, the French priest who'd spent most of the story trying to wrestle New Mexico back for the pope from the rogue Mexican church, on returning back to Europe, contemplates the changes in his world and his place in it; the novel was recommended as arguably the best example of skilful use of POV; the fragment below is spoken from the flaneur POV, indicated by the sophisticated vocabulary and complicated syntax, not belonging to the relatively simple character.)

Beautiful surroundings, the society of learned men, the charm of noble women, the graces of art, could not make up to him for the loss of those light-hearted mornings of the desert, for that wind that made one a boy again. He had noticed that this peculiar quality in the air of new countries vanished after they were tamed by man and made to bear harvests. Parts of Texas and Kansas that he had first known as open range had since been made into rich farming districts, and the air had quite lost that lightness, that dry aromatic odour. The moisture of plowed land, the heaviness of labour and growth and grain-bearing, utterly destroyed it; one could breathe that only on the bright edges of the world, on the great grass plains or the sage-brush desert.

Objective Observation

Olive Kitteridge, by Elizabeth Strout

(Setup: the main character, Kevin, has just arrived in the town of his birth to commit suicide and nobody else knows about his arrival and intentions.)

The bay had small whitecaps and the tide was coming it, so the smaller rocks could be heard moving as if the water shifted them. Also there was the twanging sound of the cables hitting the masts of the sailboats moored. A few seagulls gave squawking cries as they dove down to pick up the fish heads and tails and shining insides that the boy was tossing from the dock as he cleaned the mackerel. All this Kevin saw as he sat in his car with the windows partly open. The car was parked on the grassy area, not far from the marina. Two trucks were parked farther over, on the gravel by the dock.

Jealousy, by Alain Robbe-Grillet

(Setup: the main character is stranded on an island with his openly cheating wife, and copes with the experience by focusing on nothing but the surfaces; an example of camera view narration, no insight, no subtext, nothing but objective observation all the way through – yikes!)

It would be better to pit the truck in the shed, since no one is to use it at the beginning of the afternoon. The thick glass of the window nicks the body of the truck with a deep, rounded scallop behind the front wheel. Somewhat farther down, isolated from the principal mass by a strip of gravel, a half-circle of painted metal is refracted more than a foot and a half from its real location. This aberrant piece can also be moved about as the observer pleases, changing its shape as well as its dimensions: it swells from right to left, shrinks in the opposite direction, becomes a crescent toward the bottom, a complete circle as it moves upward, or else acquires a fringe (but this is a very limited, almost instantaneous position) of two concentric aureoles. Finally, with larger shifts, it melts into the main surface or disappears, with a sudden contraction.

Free Indirect Discourse

The Ocean at the End of the Lane, by Neil Gaiman

(Setup: prologue of the novel, the character recalls a funeral he attended. I’ve crossed out the flaneur and put FID in bold. The rest is - mostly subjective - observation. FID has to be mixed up with other POVs or else it becomes an unbearable stream of consciousness.)

I wore a black suit and a white shirt, a black tie and black shoes, all polished and shiny: clothes that normally would make me feel uncomfortable, as if I were in a stolen uniform, or pretending to be an adult. Today they gave me comfort of a kind. I was wearing the right clothes for a hard day.

The Odd Woman, by Gail Godwin

(Again, FID in bold, flaneur crossed out, and the end is observation, some of it subjective.)

It was ten o’clock on the evening of the same day, and the permanent residents of the household on the mountain were restored to routines and sobriety. Jane, on the other hand, sat by herself in the kitchen, a glass of Scotch before her on the cleanly wiped table, going deeper and deeper into a mood she could recognize only as unfamiliar. She could not describe it; it was both frightening and satisfying. It was like letting go and being taken somewhere. She tried to trace it back. When, exactly, had it started?

#craft #POV

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