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viscountessevie · 3 years

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To Lady Paige, With Love [Part 2]

Main Pairing: Eloise Bridgerton x FemOC! Paige Crane [Reference to Past! Marina Thompson x Paige Crane]

Series Summary: A WLW Rewrite of To Sir Phillip, With Love - featuring my OC Paige Crane, Phillip's twin sister. What happens when Eloise Bridgerton writes to Phillip after the death of his wife but her letter gets intercepted by his twin sister who loved more Marina than he ever did?

Chapter Summary: After corresponding with Eloise for over a year using her brother's name, Paige is mourning Marina's first death anniversary. All Paige wanted was some peace and quiet but little does she know, she's in for a rude awakening

Trigger Warnings: Grief, Brief Mentions of Previous Death/Suicide Attempt, Depression & Anxiety

Part 1 - Prologue: Take Me To The Lakes

Chapter 1: Right Where You Left Me [February 1823]

5:48pm. That time would haunt Paige for the rest of her life.

'Time of death: 5:48pm.' the doctor had said. The moment Marina was officially pronounced dead, Paige screamed. She could still hear the echoes of her own scream every night she spent in Marina's room, sobbing herself to sleep. It had been a month since she died. Paige truly understood what Marina felt and went through.

The grief, pain and sadness was all consuming. She was drowning in her own emotions. It made her want to throw herself into the lake and join Marina. At least drowning in the lake was tangible. It was a tangible way to match the melancholy she was feeling. Through the pain, Paige had learnt that when people take their lives, they don't get rid of the melancholy, they simply pass it on. Paige had become a victim of Marina's pain being passed onto her.

She knew that everyone was dealing with the loss on their own but she was just so angry with Phillip and the children and even the staff. Pretending like Marina was never there. The worst part is, she couldn't fault them for it. Marina wasn't there, at least not mentally present. The last month has eased off her anger. She nearly bit Phillip's head off when he came back from his business trip the day before she passed.

"You should have been here! I may love her but she's still your wife!"

"I had a very important specimen to pick up, you know that, Paige." He said gruffly. She was so sick and tired of him using his experiments as an excuse to neglect his family.

"I know that!" She snapped at him, "These trips are getting ridiculous. You can't keep using them to run away from your responsibilities. You made a commitment to her and your children. You completely abandoned them!" Her voice cracked with anger. Now Phillip was getting frustrated with her and snapped back at his twin.

"Do you think I wanted to carry those burdens? I had no choice in the matter! I had to be the one to clean up the mess George left behind!"

She stepped back at her brother's outburst. He never yelled. He refused to be their father. She knew she had crossed the line. She softened her expression.

"I shouldn't have yelled, I apologise. But so help me God, you will not repeat that to her or the children. They are our family, Phillip, 'not a mess George left behind." Her voice was low, laced with a cold fury.

"She's resting now but you should go see her. I'll give you two some privacy." Paige made her suggestion sound like a demand. There was absolutely no reason why he should neglect his duties as a husband now. She wasn't going to let him off the hook for it. She quickly slipped into the room to kiss Marina's forehead. She allowed Philip in and headed off to tend to the children.

Then there was that dreadful conversation where Amanda openly admitted that she was glad her mother was gone. Paige knew on an intellectual level that's not what Amanda had meant. She meant she was happy her mother was happy even if it meant she was gone. But emotionally, it destroyed Paige to hear that.

It was exhausting to feel like the only one who truly cared for Marina. She had all these emotions welled up inside her, screaming to be let out. Yet she felt like she couldn't talk to anyone. The children played and carried on as per normal. While Phillip had stopped taking his trips to avoid the children, he has hidden away in the Greenhouse more often. He refuses to talk about her. What else could she expect from her twin who represses the slightest hint of human emotion. God forbid he let himself feel sad.

She took a deep breath and reminded herself that everyone processed grief in different ways. She needed something to get her mind off things. On cue, Miles came in to deliver the mail. She gestured for him to hand them over and he took his leave.

She flipped through the envelopes, none addressed to her. Of course no one would write to her and the only person who would, died. She was about to put down the pile when a name jumped out at her.

From: Eloise Bridgerton No. 5, Bruton Street London

She remembered Eloise like it was yesterday. They spent some time together during their first season. She came as a package deal with Penelope Featherington. So when Marina had struck up a friendship with Penelope, Paige found herself spending a lot of time with the two of them. The four of them were quite the formidable group during that first season. Paige remembered how many suitors Marina had received. Unable to deal with her jealousy in a healthy manner, she did what she did best, ran away from her emotions. She poured herself into a friendship with Eloise. Somewhere along the way, she had developed feelings for the clever Bridgerton. She recalled how she did her best to repress those feelings. Even though at the time, Marina and her were nowhere close to courtship, Paige still felt like she was being unfaithful to her.

There was just something about Eloise that had drawn Paige to her.

She shook her head rather violently, as if trying to shake those memories away. How could she be thinking of that when she's supposed to be grieving Marina? She set down the letter, leaving it for Phillip to read it later when he finally comes out of hiding.

She stood up to head to Marina's room to mope. It almost seemed like she had taken Marina's place as the Romney Hall's living ghost. What was the point in living your life when the person you wanted to spend it with was gone?

But rising questions about Eloise's letter stopped her. For one, why was it addressed to Phillip rather than her? She knew it had been well over a decade, but had Eloise forgotten her already?

Her plan to mope for the day had been abandoned and she picked up Eloise's letter once again. She picked up the letter opener and impulsively ripped it open.

Sir Phillip Crane —

I am writing to express my condolences on the loss of your wife, my dear friend Marina, I remember her fondly and was deeply saddened to hear of her passing .

Please do not hesitate to write if there is anything I can do to ease your pain at this difficult time .

Yrs,

Miss Eloise Bridgerton

***

Oh. She was just as lovely as Paige remembered her. This was too kind of a letter to delay it's response. Paige went to her room and sat at her desk. She pulled out her stationary kit and fetched herself some parchment and a quill. She quickly penned down a response.

Dear Eloise —

I hope you remember me from your first season. Marina was a dear friend to me as well and I thank you for your kind note on behalf of Marina. It was thoughtful of you to write asking after us.

I offer you this flower attached as thanks. It is called an Eden rose also known as the Pierre de Ronsard, named after the great French poet.

Did you know that it reaches an average diameter of 10 centimetres. The large flowers are very full with 55 to 60 petals. Due to their weight the cupped, globular flowers tend to bow their heads.

It was Marina's favourite flower. She loved the carmine-pink on the inside and ivory on the outside. I hope you enjoy it as much as she did.

Sincerely -

She stopped short before she signed it off with her name. She had finally stepped out of her moment of impulsivity. Insanity more like, she thought to herself. She felt awful for invading Eloise and - by extension - Phillip's privacy.

She couldn't send this! How was she going to explain it?

Dear Miss Bridgerton —

I am absolutely mad and stole my brother's mail because I used to fancy you when we first debuted together in our first season.

Yours Sincerely, Paige Crane

That would certainly go over well. She would be lucky not to be locked up. She stared at her original letter and ripped it up. She detested the thought of Phillip striking up a friendship with Eloise. Deep down she knew if he became as enamoured with her as she once was, he'd make her his wife. It might have only been a month but she knew her brother. He needed a mother and wife for the children. There wasn't a doubt in her mind that he was already planning to look for one.

He had already taken Marina from her. As twins, they grew up sharing everything, starting from the womb. Everywhere Paige went, Phillip was there. They even had parallel careers. She just wanted this one person to herself. It was selfish she knew but she wanted to keep her London past for herself. Even if it meant never letting Phillip see the letter and responding on her own.

She rewrote another note without a second thought:

Dear Miss Bridgerton,

Thank you for your kind note on behalf of my wife. It was thoughtful of you to take the time to write to a gentleman you have never met. I offer you this full bloom flower as thanks.

It is called an Eden rose also known as the Pierre de Ronsard, named after the great French poet. Did you know that it reaches an average diameter of 10 centimetres. The large flowers are very full with 55 to 60 petals. Due to their weight the cupped, globular flowers tend to bow their heads.

It was Marina's favourite flower. She loved the carmine-pink on the inside and ivory on the outside. I hope you enjoy it as much as she did.

When it came to signing off, she hesitated for a moment at her dishonesty. Then the anger of having lost most of her life and identity to Phillip came up. That was motivation enough for her to scribble the last line of the letter:

Sincerely, Sir Phillip Crane.

***

Letter Correspondence From March 1823 to March 1824 Between Paige Crane & Eloise Bridgerton

Dear Sir Phillip -

Thank you so very much for the charming flower. It was such a lovely surprise when it came attached to the envelope. And such a precious memento of dear Marina, as well .

I could not help but notice your facility with the flower's scientific name and seemed to be knowledgeable about its properties. Are you a botanist?

Yours, Miss Eloise Bridgerton

Eloise’s response had come quite quickly in a week. It was no easy feat hiding the letters from Phillip. He was the Lord of the house after all. Paige was lucky enough to have a friend in Miles. She had been the one to stop Phillip from being let go. She had named him her personal assistant instead. She coyly asked Miles for a favour and requested that all of Eloise’s letters be directed to her. He looked at her with utter confusion when she asked.

“Whatever are you up to, Miss Crane?”

“Miles, you know you can call me Paige. We are friends, aren’t we?” She had a mischievous shine in her eye that told him she was up to something.

“I suppose… that doesn’t answer my question, Paige.” He said her name pointedly. She chuckled at him, he was hilarious. She knew she made the right choice keeping him employed.

“Friends trust each other. I promise I will tell you everything down the line.” She shot him a look of promise. That fixed the issue of being found out was solved easily. All she had to do now was enjoy the correspondence.

She still had not been able to break her habit of crying herself to sleep in Marina’s room every night, but these letters took her mind off the grief momentarily. She couldn’t thank Eloise Bridgerton enough for that. She read back Eloise’s response and grinned. Eloise was as charming and eloquent as always. She was clever enough to pick out Paige's interest in plants just by her rambles. Paige also noticed how Eloise was clever enough to end her letter with a question. What a sneaky lady, now Paige had to reply. Not that she was complaining. She was rather happy to have revived this old connection.

She pulled out her stationary and penned her reply. She stuck close to the truth while using Phillip's qualifications. Just because she wasn't allowed a formal education at Cambridge didn't make her any less knowledgeable than her twin. She devoured his textbooks during his University days. She most likely would have beat him to an honours degree in Botany had the fairer sex been allowed to study in Universities.

She followed Eloise's lead and ended her letter with a question as well. She vaguely remembered Eloise’s interest in humanities but she wanted it confirmed from the lady herself.

Dear Miss Bridgerton —

Indeed I am a botanist, trained at Cambridge, although I am not currently connected with any university or scientific board. I maintain my own garden at Romney Hall, in my greenhouse. Are you of a scientific bent as well?

Yours , Sir Phillip Crane

The reply came another week later. She smiled at being correct in her assumption. They started going back and forth every week, until a year had passed.

Dear Sir Phillip —

Heavens, no, I have not the scientific mind, I'm afraid, although I do have a fair head for sums. My interests lie more in the humanities; you may have noticed that I enjoy penning letters .

Yours in friendship,

Eloise Bridgerton

My dear Miss Bridgerton —

Ah, but it is a sort of friendship, isn't it? I confess to a certain measure of isolation here in the country, and if one cannot have a smiling face across one's breakfast table, then one might at least have an amiable letter, don't you agree?

I have enclosed another flower and a book for you. This flower is Centaurea cyanus, more commonly known as the cornflower. They are a personal favourite of mine, especially for its vibrance in colour. They are actually grown as a weed in cornfields, hence where it derives its common name from. Quite beautiful for a weed, wouldn’t you agree?

As for the book, I would like to share a piece of my literary heart with you. You will find a copy of Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein in the package. I regard it as a brilliantly complex novel that tackles the existential questions of creating life in such an nuanced manner. I would love to hear your thoughts on it.

With great regard, Phillip Crane

Even though it was a friendly exchange of letters, Paige considered sharing her favourite flower and novel a way of elevating the friendship. They were a part of her identity. A part that she was willingly giving away to another to cherish and hold. It was a big step for her and that terrified her. She was scared of developing feelings for someone else. She could not bear to go through it again.

She knew no sane woman - despite being a child of Sappho - would give up the security of a husband and run off with another woman. Most of the sapphic women Paige knew were far too caught up in the social norms to ever step out of their comfort zone into a realm of possibilities of a free life with her. She knew she got lucky with Marina and that Phillip didn’t care enough for Marina to be bothered with their love affair. He also loved his sister enough to be happy with his wife, even if he didn’t understand how she could love a person who seemed to be made of sadness. Paige knew he never understood, but he didn’t have to. Marina and her understood each other and that’s all that truly mattered until the end.

While Eloise has never stated whether she felt that way about women, she did seem like a child of Sappho. The way she had interacted with potential suitors during that first season, or rather the way she didn’t. She hid away from every suitor that came her way. At times, she would pull Paige away to the lemonade table to avoid them, whenever Penelope was too busy dancing with Colin. The way she scoffed at marriage. She just seemed content in her independence. Paige had admired that about her.

As always her next letter did not disappoint:

Dear Sir Phillip —

Thank you for the book and flower, I truly appreciated them. I have always found sharing books recommendations with companions is like giving them a piece of yourself. So I thank you again, for gifting me a piece of yourself. I promise to cherish it.

And I have read Frankenstein before! It truly is one of its kind. I could go on for hours on end about how much I love this book and how brilliantly crafted it is. Perhaps, should we ever meet, we could discuss it over tea one day.

The cornflower was wonderful, thank you. I do love how it seems to shine a brighter blue in the sunlight. I think it might be my favourite flower as well.

Yours, Eloise Bridgerton.

A dreamy sigh escaped Paige’s lips as she drank in Eloise’s latest words. Paige had never felt more seen and understood. Eloise expressed the sentiment of Paige’s intent with the book and flower exactly. Paige might have used her brother’s name, but she knew in her heart Eloise knew her - even if it was not by her given name. She found the line about meeting and discussing the novel over tea, a rather bold choice. Was Eloise inviting her to tea?

She sighed when the sobering truth hit her. Eloise wasn’t inviting her. She was inviting her brother. She knew what she had to do - politely shut her down.

Dearest Miss Bridgerton —

You took the words right out of my quill. Those were my exact intentions when I thought of sending my favourite flower and book over to you. I am very much honoured that you cherish an important part of myself. I truly appreciate it. Truth be told, I appreciate you and our friendship.

Perhaps, one day. Tea does sound lovely.

What mischief have you been causing as of late? I am always excited to read your recounts of your daily adventures.

Yours as always, Phillip Crane. * Over the next few months simply flew by for Paige, the letters giving her a reprieve from her grief. They talked about anything and everything under the sun. She learned everything there is to know about Eloise Bridgerton. They exchanged childhood stories, more books between the two of them - Paige found out that Eloise’s guilty pleasure was Jane Austen’s romance novels - and held full conversations of various academic subjects. Her most prized possession was Eloise’s old copy of Persuasion filled with Eloise’s notes and thoughts on the book. Paige’s heart soared the moment she received it. It was Eloise’s version of giving Paige a piece of herself. She hadn’t read Persuasion before so she was glad for the recommendation. The botanist couldn’t help but laugh as she read the novel. Anne and Captain Wentworth’s story seemed to mirror hers. Their 7 year separation felt rather familiar to having not seen Eloise since their first season.

Before she knew it, a year had passed. She was startled when she saw the calendar on her desk when penning her latest letter to Eloise. 14th February 1824. It was the day Marina attempted to kill herself a year ago. Tomorrow would be a year since Marina’s last good day. And two days from now, on 17th February 1824, Paige would have to be met with the sobering reality of Marina’s death anniversary.

The holidays had been hard as it could be. The empty chair Marina had previously occupied was staring at Paige while her family carried on with their jovial Christmas dinner. She couldn’t understand how they could simply get on with their lives while she felt like a piece of her was missing. Yes, Marina was not much for festivities but sitting beside her and enjoying the food they cooked together was the highlight of Christmas. It was the only time Marina felt well enough to help Paige prepare the feast.

Marina’s birthday had been the hardest to deal with of course. She would have been twenty and eight then. Paige visits Marina's grave at least once a week. It calms and soothes her intense moments of grief. Sitting by the grave on Marina's birthday was a new kind of pain. Knowing that she was taken from the world far too early. Knowing that she should have been there right beside Paige. It was the hardest Paige had cried since Marina had died.

She had no idea how she was going to deal with her death anniversary.

She just knew she needed time to herself. She looked down at the letter she was going to write and found big splashes of tears all over the parchment.

"Blast it!" She cursed and crushed the paper, tossing it into a nearby bin. She was furious with herself for forgetting. For allowing herself to be happy when she didn’t deserve it. She wiped her tears angrily and quickly scribbled one last letter to Eloise.

Dear Miss Bridgerton —

These letters have brought me such comfort over a very difficult year. I cannot thank you enough for it, Eloise Bridgerton.

I do regret to inform you, I would like to pause these letters for the month. I require some time to process and mourn Marina's first death anniversary. I'm sure you can understand it will be a rather difficult time.

Thank you for understanding and do take care, Miss Bridgerton.

Yours, Phillip Crane

Paige could barely get through the letter without feeling guilty. Feeling guilty for abandoning Eloise so abruptly. Feeling guilty for using her as a distraction from her grief over Marina. Most of all, she hated how she can't seem to remember the smallest things about Marina. She was forgetting her love's memory and it was driving her mad. She tried her best to conjure up how she smelled, the sound of her voice, how she was. Paige found the little details escaping her. Memories slipping through her fingers. She detested this. She didn't know how she had gotten to this point.

She had allowed her corresponding flirtation with Eloise to soothe her pain. But her pain was the one thing she had left of Marina. Letting it go meant letting go of Marina. Paige absolutely refused to do that. If she forgot Marina, there was no one else to keep her memory alive. Phillip and the children certainly didn't care for it. Marina would be lost to history.

After delivering the letter to Miles to be mailed out, Paige found herself in Marina's room. She laid on her bed, aimlessly and feeling vacant. She was sure if someone walked in they might mistake her for Marina herself. Paige felt her melancholy creeping up her throat. It threatened to choke her, snuffing all the light out. She sat up and tried to breathe. She was feeling an unusual amount of panic rising within her.

She got out of bed and looked out the window. The lake was in perfect view. Of course, that’s where Marina had gotten the idea, She thought to herself bitterly. She looked up at the sky, imagining her lover was up there somewhere happier. Somewhere calmer, where she had found peace.

“I’m right where you left me, Rina.” She whispered softly. It had been a while since she spoke out loud to Marina but it had brought her so much comfort in the early days of dealing with the grief. For a moment, she could pretend Marina was still there. Then she didn’t have to deal with the all consuming guilt and loneliness that came with losing the love of her life.

Marina might have been the one who died but Paige felt like the ghost. Spending most of her days in Marina's room, sitting still in a corner, almost like she was the one haunting it. She heard what the staff said. Something along the lines of, "What a pitiful sight." And "She deserves better than to replace Lady Marina's disposition." They were valid in their concerns but Paige couldn't care less. This was the way she knew how to grieve and mourn and she'll be damned before she lets anyone dictate the way she feels.

Looking into the reflection of the lake from the window, she could still remember the day Marina walked into the lake. It was terrifying how crystal clear the memory was. It felt like she was frozen in time - forever cursed to be twenty and seven - forced to relive the last few days of Marina's days. The memory of her walking into the lake, Paige having to rescue her, staying by her side the next three days and the moment she died. They swirled around Paige's mind constantly. It was particularly worse since it had been a year.

She was paralysed, unable to find the will to do anything else. So she went back to bed. She sat there, silent and frozen in time. The servants walked past all day to ask her if she was alright. She barely managed a nod.

She swore she could hear a hair pin drop at how silent everything was. Deep down she knew her life stopped the moment Marina had died. Eloise's letters may have made her feel like she could move forward. However, the gaping hole in her heart today proved otherwise.

Everybody moved on. She couldn't. So she settled and stayed there, dust collecting on her pinned-up hair. She knew everyone expected her to find a new purpose or a fresh start. She could have tended to her own garden like Phillip was doing in his Greenhouse on this day.

Yet all she found the energy to do was sit and stare out at the lake. She stayed right there for the next two days. She just wanted the next worst few days of her life to pass her by so she would not have to deal with them. Just until the 17th had passed.

Of course as the saying goes, there is no rest for the wicked. All Paige wanted on the 17th of February was some peace but little did she know, a certain Bridgerton would be making their way to Romney Hall.

It started out like any other day. Except for the Crane household, there was a somber remembrance of Marina’s first death anniversary. Paige was relieved that she didn’t have to share the burden alone and that her brother had the decency to acknowledge it. He didn’t bother reminding the children but they were young so she let it slide.

Since the staff had honoured her request of being left alone, around noon Paige dragged herself out of bed to get herself some lunch. Marina would have wanted her to mourn respectfully, not join her up wherever she may be. Paige was on her way back to her room after picking up her meal of roasted mutton with rice and gravy - Marina’s favourite dish - when she overheard a curious conversation between Gunning and her brother.

"Sir Phillip," Gunning said, clearing his throat. "We have a caller." "A caller?" Phillip echoed. "Was that the source of the, ah..." "Noise?" Gunning supplied helpfully. "Yes." "No." The butler cleared his throat. "That would have been your children." "I see," Phillip murmured. "How silly of me to have hoped otherwise." "I don't believe they broke anything, sir." "That's a relief and a change." "Indeed, sir, but there is the caller to consider."

Phillip groaned and Paige immediately knew what he was thinking. Romney Hall hadn’t received callers in years. He was probably wondering who on earth would be calling on this day of all days. Paige didn’t think much of it until she passed the front door on her way up to her room when she spotted a familiar face on the other side of the door.

Eloise Bridgerton.

What in the devil was she doing here?! Paige mentally screamed to herself. Gunning and Phillip’s conversation had faded to the background, drowned out by the mental grind of Paige’s mind. She snapped out of her melancholy and had to come up with a way to cover up the consequences of her actions. Just when she needed it, Miles walked past her. She immediately grabbed him. He looked surprised and a little violated if you asked him.

“Miss Crane! What on earth?” “Miles, how many times must I repeat myself? Paige is perfectly fine. I apologise for grabbing you, I am in need of your service.” She said guiltily, looking over at the front door.

He gave her a curious look, “What did you do now, Paige?” He rubbed his eyes tiredly.

She shot him a glare, “I would snap at you for that but you are quite right to ask. I think one of my letters to Miss Bridgerton might have been misinterpreted as an invitation to come over to Romney Hall.” She gave him such a pitiful pleading look, he had to help her.

“How can I be of service, Miss - Paige?” He corrected himself the moment Paige shot him a murderous look. “I need a plan. If the truth comes out, neither of them will forgive me.”

Miles had never seen her so panicked and scared before. For someone who detests her brother, she really did love him. Her blooming feelings for Miss Bridgerton had become apparent over the last few months. He gave himself a moment to think of a plan.

"Yes, sir. She's here to see you, after all." They both heard Gunning say to Phillip.

Paige looked at Miles with wide eyes. They had officially run out of time. This was sealed by the sounds of Phillip’s footsteps making their way to the corridor Paige and Miles were hatching a plan in. Before Paige could push Miles to distract him, her dear brother had brushed past them and opened the door. She cursed to herself and watched helplessly as the two strangers who had technically never met interacted. She made her way to stand quietly behind her brother, listening to every word. Paige's heart nearly stopped when she heard Eloise's voice after all these years.

"Sir Phillip?"

#Bridgerton #TSPWL Rewrite #Bridgerton AU #Bridgerton fanfiction #OC: Paige Crane #Marina Thompson #Eloise Bridgerton #Paige Crane #Phillip Crane #TW Grief #TW Mention of Death #TW Mention of Suicide Attempt #TW Depression #TW Anxiety #Spotify

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crewel-eelegance · 3 years

Note

My darling,

How are you today? I do hope you are taking care of yourself; drinking water regularly and making sure to eat a full meal. Remember snacks are not lunch or dinner. I hope you are feeling your best today, maybe we can go for a walk this nice autumn day, maybe get some sweets together and share some drinks together?

Unless you’d like to stay inside, that is fine with me. Maybe some soft cuddles with my dear pompom, I promise I won’t tickle you or embarrass you with my feelings for you. Of course, I do love seeing you flustered and blushy around me 😌 truly my phone is full of photos of you 💜

I’ll make sure to cancel all plans and rest this Sunday with you dear. Hopefully Hifumi and Doppo don’t drop on spontaneously to join us… I would like to spend some nice time with you alone 💜

I’ll see you soon my dear, I send you my love.

Yours,

Jakurai 💜 Jinguji

My flustered, incoherent fool of a human being self didn't actually sit down long enough to write a proper response to this ;;w;; Okay but seriously, when I saw this I had to keep from making a dumb face and not cry cause I didn't expect it and I'm overall just sad~

"A walk together sounds fun! I'm a little uncertain with my ears and tails, but if it's with you it'll be a fun activity together. It doesn't have to be soon, but I was wondering if you would like to join me for a walk at night some time? The city never sleeps of course, but traveling somewhere quiet under the moon and stars has always comforted me. Perhaps it would do the same for you?

Of course staying cuddled up sounds wonderful too! Whatever it may be, a nice quiet day to ourselves sounds wonderful even though truly, I don't deserve it. On such a rare day off, the least I could do is make you a homemade dessert.

I'll be looking forward to seeing you soon."

Fictional or otherwise, I am not good at writing letters ☠ But hello, I will restate that this particular letter/ask sent me in such a flustered frenzy I truly got emotional for a good long while and had kept from answering mostly because I simply do not know how to respond! So of course, all I have is this half baked response from my character. But also whenever I would look back on it on a particularly bad day it made me feel so much better. ;;w;;

Anon, thank you so much for humoring me and sending this in. This did wonders to keep my sanity and keeping some pretty awful thoughts away. I know I'll be repulsed by my answer (cause who wouldn't?) whenever I'll look back at this ask, but the message is truly sweet and is a nice moment to think about with a F/O especially with Doc 💖

#Asks #Anonymous #F/O Letters #Hypmic OC; Dai #I wanted to draw a cute thing with them but alas I do not have good enough skills for that as I am still practicing ;;~;;#I'm so sorry Anon #This was sent in long ago but I just wanted to think about it a little while longer #because it has literally been the highlight of possibly this whole year ;;w;;#I will never be able to thank you enough for this

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hildagirl99 · 4 years

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Lady Night part9 and End

The valley had regained calm, Penny, still in shock, was trying to find Lorelei, who had disappeared after having given the fatal blow to Faceless.

"Bill! Have you seen Lorelei?"

"Yes… she is outside the village, I don't think she should be disturbed." he says.

But not listening to Bill's warning, Penny wasted no time in finding Lorelei, standing in front of the setting sun.

"I can't stay here." she said without looking at her.

"What are you talking about ?"

"Everyone now knows who I was, I lied to everyone, I lied to you ... I just wanted to protect you and forget this painful past."

"But Lorelei… you didn't kill anyone, you were in distress in the past, I believe you now."

"You don't understand, I have to leave here, I think we have to stop there."

"Huh? But… are you leaving? But where? Lorelei no… I need you! We can start from scratch! Start all over again!" said Penny, begging her.

"It's not against you, I need to take a step back. For me, I have to bury my old life, I have to find peace. That's what my father told me. I made my choice , the choice not to choose violence, even if I wanted to kill Faceless terribly, I will leave but I don't know when I will return. "

"But you don't love me anymore? Ask Penny, her eyes filled with tears.

"No… I love you baby. But I need that, to find a new life. Can you understand?"

"Yes…"

"Come on, if I didn't care about you, I would never come to save you. Dry your tears, I don't want you to cry when I leave."

She and Penny looked at each other for a long time, then they hugged, not wanting to leave the other.

"Lorelei, darling ... take the time it takes to come back, I'll be waiting for you."

Lorelei started to smile, it warms her heart.

"I will send you a letter, I promise, I may be far from your eyes but you will always be in my heart."

"Lorelei, this is the first time you say something so beautiful! I'm moved!"

"Come on, little doll. Be strong." she said, still hugging her.

A few minutes late, Lorelei was packing her bags, taking all the important memories of her life and some clothes. She left a note on her desk that said for Penny: Take care of my store. Kiss darling.

A few minutes later, she was at the bottom of her house ready to leave, until she felt something in her pocket, The Lynx's eye was there! She looks around and saw Bill in the shade, sending him a knowing smile, while she was packing her bags, he had put the diamond in his jacket, she nods as if to say thank you.

"Are you… are you leaving?" asks the banker.

"I am not leaving definitively, I need to forget the heavy burden that I have been carrying for years." she said getting into the car.

"Miss Undertaker?"

"Yes?"

"You are beautiful with Penny, I knew there was something stronger than the friendship between the two of you. Don't be afraid to hide any more." said the banker, smiling.

She smiled at him, and the car drove away, pulled by the horses.

Penny ran but it was too late, Lorelei was already gone.

"I couldn't say goodbye to her." she said on it.

"Don't worry, my dear Penny, she hasn't forgotten you either. She thinks of you, she'll come back quickly, believe me." said Bill, placing his hand on her shoulder.

8 months later

During those 8 months, Penny received only one postcard from Lorelei. Meanwhile, she took care of her store and hers, she missed her terribly, it all seemed endless, she thought she would never come back. Penny's birthday was very close, just the next day.

"I will celebrate it alone, alas ..." she thought.

She left her house, with a basket in her hand, leaving to go to the market. The villagers looked at her with a smile on her lips, she heard whispers, she turned from time to time, curious and embarrassed to know why the other villagers looked at her insistently.

"Am I badly dressed? Badly styled?" she thinks, blushing.

She continues on her way to the station, several minutes from the valley. Trains are very rare, but it is the means of rapid transport to go to town. The station was empty, it didn't reassure Penny. Suddenly, the sound of a locomotive was heard, it comes slowly and stops, but no doors open.

"Miss Hemsworth! I knew you would be here!" said a voice above the train. Bandit Showdown in person.

"But! What are you doing up there?" she said, surprised.

"I'm here to tell you good news, very good news, I would say. The return of a wonderful person you love! Here she is!"

A door opens, a noise from heels is heard and a woman appears to her, smiling. Penny can't believe her eyes.

"Hello beauty!" said the tall woman, stretching out her arms to her.

"Lorelei !!?" she drops her basket to the ground.

She throws herself into her arms instantly. For long minutes, they stayed in each other's arms, Penny was so moved that she couldn't find the voice to tell him that she was so happy to see her again. She raised her head, Lorelei's face was rested, her red circles had disappeared, her hair was degraded and was slightly wavy.

"Lorelei ... I missed you so much, you have so much ..."

"Changed?" she said, stroking her hair.

"You are beautiful."

"Thanks darling, I have something to show you."

"What then? I would like now but I have a market to do ..."

"To hell with the market, come with me." said Lorelei, gesturing for her to get on the locomotive.

Determined and happy to have found her love, Penny follows her. The locomotive passes not far from the valley, once stopped, they both descend.

"So what do you want to show me?" asks Penny.

"I know your birthday is tomorrow, but I prefer to go fast and be direct. I have reflected a lot during its 8 months, I have traveled a lot, I have seen the sea, mountains, people, peace. I want to start from scratch, take a new life, I ask you one thing… "

She nods to Bill, who unrolls a long piece of paper that falls to the ground.

With flowers flying in the wind.

Penny was speechless. Lorelei pulled out a ring, not just any ring. The Lynx's eye was on it.

"Do you want it?" asks Lorelei, kneeling.

The villagers join the locomotive, impatient to discover its response.

"But… did you all know?" asks Penny.

"Of course, this was a very big surprise!" said Carver.

"The answer! The answer!" say the other villagers at heart.

Penny understood that it was the right time, Lorelei agrees to commit, the villagers are happy to see them together, instantly, she says:

"Yes !! Yes, I want it!" she said, kissing her passionately.

"I promised not to cry." Bill said to himself crying all the same but couldn't help shouting his happiness

"Yeehaaaw! Long live the future brides!"

All throw their hats in the air. Lorelei carried Penny in her arms, followed by the joyful songs of the villagers.

"Where will we go for our honeymoon?" said Penny, her eyes sparkling with happiness.

"I'll take you to the sea, and we'll spend a full week in Las Vegas, and one last outing in Texas." replies Lorelei.

"Las Vegas! The sea! In Texas! This is the happiest day of my life!" Penny writes, kissing her again.

"Question, can I be your witness?" said Bill, cutting them off from that kiss.

"Bill… you have the art of spoiling everything." grumbles Lorelei.

"Oh yes! Go say yes, please, darling!" Penny begs, with her soft eyes.

"Okay, but he does bullshit, he goes out." Lorelei agrees.

A month later, everything was in place, the buffet, the guests, the parish priest, the joy was there.

Penny had her mother's white lace wedding dress. Lorelei had a simple black suit, always keeping her top hat, with a black lace bow. The two of them were impatient and anxious, hoping that everything would go as planned. Penny is the first to arrive on the altar, a bouquet of roses and purple pansies in her hands. It was Lorelei's turn to appear, the young women were happy to meet again, respecting the customs, they have not seen each other for 3 days. Bill, who was their witness, was waiting on the side, with his revolver filled with confetti and firecrackers in hand, in order to fire them when they were going to kiss. Once Lorelei also arrived on the altar, the ceremony could begin.

"It's going to be more boring than a funeral." murmurs Bill, trying to reassure Penny, laughing. Lorelei rolls her eyes.

"Rooh ... what elegance ... a marriage is proof of love." said Penny.

"It's a business, rather."

"You don't have to be a believer or a Catholic for that."

"I am circumcised." said Bill, laughing.

"You're stupid, frankly. Why is he our witness?" laughs Penny, looking at Lorelei.

"Because you begged me." Lorelei replies with a smile.

"Hehe, that's right."

"Miss Penny Hemsworth, do you agree to take Miss Lorelei Undertaker as your lawful wife, until death do you part?" asked the parish priest.

"Yes, I do!" Penny answers with a blush.

"Miss Lorelei Undertaker, do you agree to take Miss Penny Hemsworth as your lawful wife, until death do you part? Doing laundry, cleaning, cooking ... Huh? What was that? in my text! " said the priest, embarrassed.

Everyone laughs, especially Bill who was looking at Lorelei with a big smile.

"Don't try to understand, the culprit is behind Penny."

"Rooh if we can laugh more, it's funny isn't it?"

"So funny that your laundry, your household and your food, you can put them where I think."

"Sorry, sodomy is not my delirium!" adds Bill.

"Bill! Pay attention to the words you say! We're in a church!" Penny writes.

"Sorry… um… keep going."

"Um yes ... so, Lorelei Undertaker, would you ..." replied the priest.

PAN !!

A shot startled all the guests and the brides.

"Dumbass! We said after the kiss!" Lorelei whispers to Bill, furious.

"Sorry! The shot went away on its own." he said, hiding his revolver.

"... take as wife, Miss Penny Hemsworth ..." finished the priest, but was cut by Lorelei.

"I do! I do!"

"You can make alliances."

Penny puts the black ring on Lorelei's finger.

"This is the ring you wanted to give me, several months ago, right?"

"Yes, of course. Do you remember?"

"Oh yes, how not to forget." Lorelei said before putting the Lynx Eye ring on her.

"Now! I declare you united by the bonds of marriage, you can kiss." concludes the priest.

"It's okay, let go, Bill." murmurs Lorelei and kisses Penny.

Bill sends firecrackers into the air, dropping confetti. The marriage lasts until the night, around a big fire.

"Ah… Lorelei, I'm so happy, when do we leave?" asks Penny, her head resting on her love's shoulder.

"Tomorrow at dawn, darling." replies Lorelei.

"Oh so quickly, we have to go to bed immediately."

"Yes, join me right now, I'm going to make you discover the end of the world." said Lorelei, giving her a seductive look, promising that their night would be much different than before.

"Grrrr, take me, my gothic lolita." breathes Penny, impatient.

They get up quickly, Lorelei enters the first but Penny stops in her run when she sees Bill, walking slowly with a bag on her back.

"What are you still doing?" she asks.

"Hush, I'm going to be spotted." he said in a low voice.

"Oh no ... don't tell me you stole a bank again."

"Sorry, the Lynx's eye was a mission for me but I understood its true value, you wore it on your finger. Lorelei taught me a lot about it, now it's yours. The tickets are all my life. " he said in the twinkling of an eye.

"But where are you going?"

"I'm going to continue my journey, my wanderings, maybe we'll meet again one day." he said, riding on a horse.

"Bill… thank you." said Penny.

"Thanks for what?"

"For having saved me, with Lorelei, for allowing me to find answers to my questions, without you, her and me, we would not have been married and she would not have changed."

"At your service, Miss Hemsworth." he said, raising his hat.

"Be happy, and a lot of happiness to both of you." he says.

"When will you come back ?" asks Penny.

"When you least expect it, Howdy!" said Bill before galloping away.

"Goodbye, Showdown Bandit…" whispers Penny in a small melody.

Meanwhile, Lorelei was in the cemetery, in front of her parents' grave.

"If only you were there, but now ... my conscience is at peace."

"I am proud of you, my daughter." said a voice in her head, his father himself.

"You made your choice and the right one. I told you, you are me internally."

"Dad ... mom ... I still feel guilty for what happened to you. If I hadn't followed the wrong path of delinquency, you will still be alive." think Lorelei.

"He would have done it anyway, Faceless wanted me dead. But he will never have my daughter. Your mother and I are watching over you, you're not alone, remember ..."

"Lorelei? Are you coming?" said Penny, interrupting Lorelei's thoughts.

"Oh ... I'm coming, go to the bedroom."

"Go, my daughter, live your night." the last words echo in her head.

She gets up and joins Penny, for the most beautiful night, while the biggest bandit in the Wild West whistled, tracing his path, towards a new life.

End

Thanks for reading my fanfiction, but it's not over;) be patient for the rest. I hope you liked it. If you did not understand certain moments or if you have any questions, do not hesitate to ask me

Kiss ! ❤️

Part 8 here :

#showdown bandit oc #showdown bandit #miss undertaker #lorelei undertaker #penny hemsworth #Banker #doc carver #faceless bandit #Bill #fanfiction #end

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punkscowardschampions · 3 years

Text

Grace & Janis

Grace: I thought you were back??! Janis: I've just gone to 🐕🏃 Janis: didn't fancy hockey in the freezing cold when I could be 💰 instead Grace: oh okay Janis: Mia will have to try and kneecap me another time Grace: 🙄 please Grace: like she has the energy to go after us both Janis: Yeah, you might wanna make whatever alibi for NY you have watertight Janis: they were cooking up their version of event in physics Grace: that was days ago, everyone's talking about you and your boyfriend again now, babes Grace: not my 🤢 🤮 🤧 🤒 Janis: then you're welcome Janis: but it ain't just bugs bunny who's slow on the uptake, much as they'd like to portray Grace: she can't prove I wasn't sick, she wishes Janis: send me an anon, if you want Janis: about what I did, throw something in about getting you soup or some bollocks Grace: cos that worked SO WELL when Ella tried it Grace: it's fine, I wasn't in the mood to go anywhere or post anything Janis: 1. you aren't as blatant as they are 2. people wanna know what I'm up to, idiot, it's not like 'hi pls tell me what your sister grace was doing between the hours of 8-2 on new years tah' Grace: literally nobody is but whatever Grace: 1 sec Grace: [sending those anons like] Grace: 👌👌?? Janis: don't need to tell me Janis: [does the responses] Janis: there you go Grace: 💜 Janis: yeah, crisis well adverted Grace: neither of us are in crisis, you're 😍😍 & I'm 🙄🏑 Janis: 👌👌 Janis: far as any cunt's concerned Grace: yeah Janis: I'm at his house Grace: cute Janis: he's not here Janis: said I could stay though Janis: if I need Grace: like I said, it's beyond obvious he cares Janis: you think it's weird Grace: ?? Janis: him and me Grace: why would I think it's weird and why would you care? Janis: Alright, what do you think then Grace: I literally just said how cute you were Janis: you say that about things usually when you don't mean it Janis: it's a them thing you've picked up Grace: excuse you, you'd know if I didn't mean it Grace: I've never once come at you telling you to dump him Grace: it'd be a big thing like !!!!!!!!! Grace: having no chill is a me thing Janis: if I was one of the gals, sure Janis: you and me don't do that Grace: UM hello, you're my sister Grace: you wouldn't listen to me but I'd still TRY Grace: if he was like the worst ever Janis: you don't reckon he's Liam 2.0 then? Grace: why are you even bringing him up? Janis: nans got a shit poker face Janis: she looked like she'd seen a 👻 when she met him Janis: briefly Grace: it's nan, babes Grace: she thinks every boy is going to do us dirty in every way possible Grace: with this family's track record she does have a point but like Grace: just no Grace: you're not her, you wouldn't Janis: love made her stupid Janis: she could've done anything and she decided to die in a car crash with a lad who only liked her as much as Ri Grace: & I repeat you're not like her so don't even Janis: not that smart to begin with Grace: shut up Grace: you literally do physics with Mia & Ella Janis: and they're right geniuses that pair Janis: 🙄 Janis: Ella'd learn rocket science if she got to be up Mia's hole Grace: 🙄🙄🙄🙄 Janis: it's not hard, all I'm saying Grace: cos you're not stupid, duh Grace: & he really likes you so stop Janis: what do you mean? Grace: what do you mean, what do I mean? Janis: what should I stop? Grace: I know a freak out when I see one Grace: 👑 of Janis: Got no reason to freak out Grace: exactly so don't Janis: I ain't Grace: 👌👌 sure Janis: what would I be freaking out about? Janis: not broken into his house here, like Grace: idk this is the longest convo we've had in forever Janis: must be the way you accuse me of having mental breakdowns Janis: not very endearing tbh Grace: ha ha Grace: but not even Janis: I shouldn't tell him Janis: about Ana, and all that Janis: should I Grace: he was a church Grace: I don't think he'd be 😱😱😱 Janis: don't paint me in the best light Grace: maybe put the 💬 equivalent of like, a filter on it Grace: if you do tell Janis: I didn't try to kill her, she just slipped Janis: 👍 Grace: it was A LOT Janis: she always is Janis: dunno what kind of cult he found that fucking bitch in though Grace: ugh, let's not Janis: she ain't going to just fuck off Janis: even if Ana is going to sulk thinking I'll come and apologize Grace: well, some of us are being forced to play hockey, hun, instead of having a mental breakdown Janis: you scream if the ball comes near you, I've seen you Grace: I don't want to have to hit it 💅! Janis: exactly, don't act like you're busy Grace: I'm not saying I'm busy, I'm saying I'm not trying to be busy 😢😢 thanks Janis: fuck all to cry about Janis: that's the point Janis: I'm not pretending her kids, or any of the fucking others, mean anything to me Janis: or he did Grace: if that's how you feel don't tell barista boy any of it, end of convo Grace: it was just family drama, no specifics Janis: of course that's how I feel Janis: shouldn't be surprising Grace: I'm not surprised Janis: you're an idiot if you feel any different Grace: you can stop, it's not like I want any of them to exist either Janis: someone needs to back me up Janis: you know full well Ri won't stop seeing her, and Junior ain't about and if he were he'd do fuck all as well Grace: okay so what are we going to do? Janis: that's what we need to work out Janis: why should they be the only ones allowed to talk about him Janis: how amazing he was Grace: she's the loudest Grace: if we could be louder then Janis: it's a joke and everyone around us fucking knows it Janis: someone needs to lay it out for her, finally face it, for what it actually is Janis: who he was Grace: but she's never gonna hear it from either of us like that Grace: it would literally have to come from god, babes Janis: maybe it can Janis: hmm Janis: leave it with me, but think what you want to say Grace: ??! Grace: obviously I'll 🤔🤔 though Janis: might take a while Janis: but fuck it Janis: she ruined my new years Grace: yeah, mine too Janis: would've been a shite party anyhow Grace: that's totally not the point Janis: put it in your letter Janis: already got enough people in a mood with me Grace: fine Janis: fuck sake Grace: UM rude, why are you swearing at me? Janis: because it ain't my fault Grace: I'm not blaming you for what happened Grace: I was there Janis: I told her to get out of my way Janis: she should've, simple as Grace: I know Grace: I was freaking out too, she deliberately ambushed us Janis: you didn't cunt punt her though so you know Grace: yeah but you'd be on my side if I did so Janis: if you do it now it will look like you're copying me, just fyi Grace: & I've never been accused of that before ever 🙄 I think I'd find a way to cope Janis: hardly the sister you copy now Janis: don't need to know the ins and outs to see that Grace: cos nobody EVER brings up the past 🙄🙄 Grace: beyond focused on only 💬 about us now, like Janis: that's why I've given them something to talk about Grace: & that's great for you, babes Janis: not like you can't Grace: not in the same way Janis: not unless there's another new kid any time soon Grace: not holding my breath Janis: it's not the only way Grace: 😂😂 what else am I gonna do?? Janis: depends Janis: they're gonna chat shit, regardless, that's obvious Janis: what would you rather they said Grace: is that like, a trick question?? Janis: why would it be Grace: UM it's a little too late for me to try & overhaul what people 💬 about me, hun Janis: hardly Janis: stuck here for another 3 Janis: you could have a totally different rep in that time Grace: hardly Grace: ALL the receipts exist Janis: 🙄 Grace: you have NO idea Janis: yeah Janis: 'course I don't Grace: so are you done trying to make me a better person or ?? Janis: I'm not trying to do shit Janis: if you're gonna cry about it, you could at least try Janis: that's the point Janis: don't complain if you ain't Grace: if I wanna talk about my rep, grandma & god are ALWAYS available Grace: you brought it up Grace: literally all I said was congrats on your 😍😍 Janis: your rep is 😢😢 and freakouts Janis: you said Grace: no I didn't Grace: I said I know a freakout when I see one Janis: well it is Janis: we all get chatted on Janis: if all you want to do is cry about it that's your look out but no one is gonna feel sorry for you Janis: least of all me Grace: I didn't ask Grace: for your opinion or sympathy Janis: yeah, people NOT looking for sympathy 👑 themselves queen of 😭😱 Janis: good luck with that, really working in your favour Grace: I'm talking to you not tweeting it out but sure Grace: thanks Janis: you think it's a secret? Janis: pretty sure your own friends and any guy you'd ever fucked wouldn't treat you like shit if you didn't reek of the desperation of it all Grace: grandma being literally the worst, which is all we were talking about when I said I was 😢😢 is as close to a secret as this family gets Grace: but 👌 attack me Janis: I'm not interested in living this lie with you rn Janis: you cry all the time Grace: &? Grace: you get angry all the time, I'm not judging you Janis: and this is why no one has anything to say about you Grace: whatever, Janis Grace: I didn't come here for this Grace: 👋 Janis: 😢😢 Grace: 🙄🙄🙄 Janis: you're a fucking joke, Grace Grace: this whole family is Grace: 👏 that you changed the news cycle for a sec Janis: 👏 that you're less interesting than Mia and Ella and all they do is slowly starve themselves to death Janis: people aren't going to forget suddenly that you belong to this family, just 'cos you try to blend into the walls Grace: like I said, you have no idea Janis: Yeah, I do Janis: we all get talked about, I did when I was doing literally nothing Grace: not about me & it's not like you care so just focus on yourself Grace: my rep is my problem Janis: it is your problem if you can't take the tiniest bit of initiative and see that being a lesser version of Rio is just going to make people talk about her more Grace: people aren't going to stop talking about her just cos I have a fake personality overhaul Janis: it's about the comparison Janis: you don't wanna be your own person, no? Janis: carry on getting Mia to dress you Grace: 😂😂 mhmmmm cos we all just get to be our own person Grace: if I'm not compared to her, it's Edie or you Janis: yeah, wild how no one is mistaking you 2 for sisters Janis: no amount of her leftovers is gonna make you exempt Janis: try getting crippled, evidently worked for Billie Janis: get a sex change, Junior who? Grace: hilarious Janis: we all got our lot Janis: and they're getting bored of their charity work with you Janis: what are you gonna do then, huh? Grace: yeah & yours is nothing like mine so stop coming for my life Janis: we're literally twins Grace: oh please Janis: sorry, not much can be done about it now Grace: duh Janis: 🧱 Grace: 👌👌 Janis: fuck this Grace: 👋 Janis: 🖕 Grace: 💜

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aria-laughs · 3 years

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Real talk..(needed to vent, feel free to not read this if you don't like long rants)

When i was 11 years old i had already been through my fair share of crap. Coming from a "broken" home with little money, a depressed mother and an absent father. At that time i remember being bullied as a biproduct of my sister stoping one of her classmates (a 13 year old girl) from traveling half accross the contry to meet her 19 year old boyfriend who she'd met online for the first time.. under the pretence that she was traveling to visit my dad with my big sister. This all ended with the police stoping the train and picking the girl up before she reached her destination and everyone didn't have to suffer through the ordeal with a minor being raped or worse by a yound adult in a strange city..anyway. when the summer ended and we (me and my two siblings) gor back home, all these rumors spread about us and school became tricky. I got used to it tho, i had my friends and i quickly learned to keep close to teachers whenever i was alone. At the home front my mom became sick and the kids got a lot of grown up responsibilities. It was okay too.. kids get used to a lot, and today im a wizz in the kitchen and i clean with the best of them.

My mother had a temper, and would hit us when we did something wrong. I remember trying to cover for my siblings as much as possible, trying to shield them from the worst of it. Don't get me wrong, i LOVE my mother. She's been through hell and her sroty is worse than anything i've ever heard of. I understand what happened when i grew up and i love her because she allways did her best.. but i haven't forgiven her for making my home unsafe. At 11 years old one of my teachets notised that i had a hard time with my schoolwork. They couldn't get me to focus on my work and i was distracted by anything. I remember the letters mixing up as i read, and it became impossible to do my homework because no one could see the letters moving like i could. The teached contacted my mom and my stepfather and told them he'd talk to a specialist about me maybe having ADHD. The next week my mom dropped me off at the specialist and i got tested in every subject known to man. As usuall i exelled at language, history and music. But everything else was a bit off, i remember hearing him telling my mom that it couldn't be HDHD because my memory was too good. But refered her to a doctor for more tests. The ordeal took another week before my mother came to pick me up at lunch one day and told me we had to go to the hospital.

I had a thyroid condition that firsly was almost non-exsistent, and secoundly was unheard of in someone my age. They took blood, and sent me to get an MR and CT. When all the tests came back, we got the good news that i wouldn't die if they treated it quickly. But since i was still waiting for normal bodyparts to arrive, and hadn't gone through puberty yet.. he had no idea where to start. I don't remember the name of the medication, but i remember taking 15 a day. 5 in the morning, 5 when i got home from school and 5 before bed. I took them and 39 minutes later i was sprinting to the bathroom puking my guts out. This obviously didn't work in the long run and by the end of it i was so skinny you could see my teeth through my cheeks. They changed my meds and i stopped with the hurling. Instead i gained about 30 kg in the first 6 months and looked like a beach ball on legs. And as a kid being bullied, this wasn't that fun. Let me remind you that this had been going on for a while and tho my mom did what she could.. the was depressed and didn't see how bad it got for me and all the responsibilities i had at home made me dissapear in the day-to-day of it all. Alone and scared as the bullying became physical I panicked and stoped taking my meds, and all my symptoms came back. I would sleep for 14 hours and wake up exhausted. I'd go full days without getting hungry and i'd get moodswings and get real clumsy. My family got used to this and the symptoms stoped being symptoms and started being "just me".

So now i'd wake up and have to care for my siblings, go to school without lunch for myself because i had to make it for my siblings, or forgetting to shower because i had to remind my brother to do it. I get off the buss and get my ass kicked on my way to the classroom. Some days i'd get through it and come home to start dinner for my family, and other times the bullying sent me to the ER to get stitched up (i didn't have to make dinner on those days). This happened often enough that the doctor knew me by my first name, and instead of "how did you hurt yourself?) I'd get "Again!? When the nurses came to get me. One day i slept for 16 hours and my mother confronted me about my weightloss and asked if i'd been taking my meds. I came clean and a few hours at the doctors office and one frustrating car ride later. I'd promissed to take my pills again, but by that point i had ruined my body enough to never get better. So at 15 years old the doctors decided that they'd treat my thyroid with radioactive iodine. This worked great and killed the thyroid gland, making me dependend on meds for the rest of my life.

For anyone who don't know, the thyroid gland is responsible for your bodys metabolism. This means everything... your metabolism is a part of every funktion of every organ in your entire body, tho we usually think about how fast you burn fat because this is what we see on the outside.

We did our best, and we got through it. I had a safe place with my best friend and his family. And i'd escape there as often as i could. His mother would remind me to take my meds, she'd let me shower at their place and when she realised that i never ate at school she started packing lunch for me to send with her son every day.

I don't think i'd survive and be the person i am today without them. I remember the day i finally told them what was going on at home when i grew up, at this point i had grown up and moved away from home. I had started opening up to people i trusted and understood the power of talking about my problems. i never ment it as a "why didn't you see".. im thankful for my life, even the bad pars, but i needed them to know how much they saved me. To understand how much i love them all. I'll keep their reactions to myself, but i'll tell you that i have never felt more treasured in my life.

I was 22 years old the first time someone told me that I never deserved the abuse at home. I was 25 years old when i told my mother i forgave her for the physical stuff, but that i couldn't forgive her for stealing my feeling of home and safety. And i was today years old when i wrote it down for anyone to see.

I've been taking my meds for about 17 years now, but I have yet to actually get a normal metabolism. My last stunt was that i suddenly didn't need that much medicine so my metabolism speed up to lifethreatening speed and i had to endure panic attacks, dizziness, lack of consentration and shaking so bad that i almost quit school and almost sent me into a brainfailure (yes thats a thing) over the summer. My doctors paniced and reduced my meds so much that i didn't get nearly enough. This ended with me loosing weight, not eating, shaking, being sick and passing out all over the place, and almost sent me into a life threatening coma as my body overcompensated for the loss of thyroid hormones. My dad said something i've never heard my family say before. We were eating dinner last weekend and i was having a bad day when he told me "its painful to watch you struggle like this". And i almost cried, this was the first time in forever that a parent told me that they see me. And now i'm finally starting to get back to where im used to.

I have skipped a lot of stuff that happened. Some things i don't think i'll ever talk about, and some things that are too personal or too painful or too stupid to write down. But i needed to work through the new stuff, to reflecr back and to realise how close i came to loosing my life again this year. How lucky i am that i not only held on for dear life, but that with all the crap i felt. All the sickness and panic and everything. I managed to finish this semester at school. I managed to survive again, and im 6 months away from reaching my goal of allways being able to help when im needed. I am so proud of myself for getting to where i am today. And im so thankful!!

#my story #its a long one #im strong #i smile #student #nurselife #im okay

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