#which I swear to God don't work on me.

[ace-and-ranty]

You see, I think people don't explicit this enough, but the thing with anxiety is that.

You get an absurd, anxious thought. "What if horrible thing happened." And you get flooded with adrenaline. And then you get a second, rational thought. "It is unlikely that horrible thing happened; mundane thing probably happened instead."

But the adrenaline?? Is not going anywhere!! The chemicals?? Still in your body!! So now you have to sit there. And bathe in the worry chemicals.

#the chemicals proceed to trigger other horrible 'what if?' thoughts #no amount of rationally knowing something is unlikely will get rid of the chemicals. #you have to do BREATHING EXERCISES and shit #which I swear to God don't work on me. #breathing has never once helped not even a little bit.

[eryanlainfa]

One day I'll finish this drawing... I'm so normal about them

#I'm working on revenges for artfight I swear but my brain keeps on coming back to them 😭 #It's not even finished because I am not allowing myself to line it til I finish my other drawings.... #So instead I've been staring at it for days WHICH IS WORST OH GOD #Vat7k #Oc x canon #Their clothes are still so random I should redo them #Do you...do you think their different enough from originals so I could post them on artifight ...??? #Lmao no I'm not obsessed. I am so normal. So very normal. Talk to me about how normal I am about them. #vat7k varian #vat7k hugo #vat7k aiden #my art #eryart #This one gets full tags cuz I want people to stare at it like I do #But actually don't stare too much or you'll see all the flaws- so nevermind #airigo #home chemystery

[janiedean]

if that tumblr post with fucking licia ronzulli and her daughter is still going around someone inform people that she just said on tv that bodycams on cops at the end of it most likely show more abuse towards cops than abuse they actually dish maybe that'd get them to stop sharing that monstrosity

#don't mind me i'm on my half morning off and doing crap freelance work with bg on #she showed up dropped this bombshell and kept on going off about horrible leftists hating the police #btw the context was people unjusting blaming the government for the italian student getting beat up by cops in the us #which never happened but that's what she says it did #o k a y #i mean no one blames the government for THAT but anyway #police brutality cw #swear to god i'm finishing this nonsense and answering the ask backload

[shima-draws]

I had a conversation with my mom about commissions--she’s of the opinion that you shouldn’t have to wait super long to get what you paid for. I’m the opposite; I think artists should be able to take as long as they need to finish a commission, and I’m totally cool with waiting for months even for them to get back to me. Surprisingly enough I’m very patient when it comes to commissioning other people lol. Maybe I just think that way bc I’m an artist myself so I totally get the struggle. (And I also take time with my comms too.) My mom is not an artist so she doesn’t really grasp the amount of time and effort it takes, so she expects results immediately. Which like. I get that too? I dunno. What do you all think? Are you the kind of patient person who’s totally chill with an artist taking months to finish your commission? Or do you want it to be done within a reasonable amount of time, like 2-3 weeks?

#IDK she said that and now I'm stressing about it. LMAO #I put it in my TOS that yeah it'll take me a bit. Bc well. Real life happens #And sometimes it's hard to sit down and pump out art you know? #But some people don't understand that. Some people want what they paid for right away #WHICH IS FAIR. I'm not saying that's unreasonable #Scratches my head idk my anxiety's already high today so I'm worrying about this too now. Nfamkdasmdsa #Anyway to all my commissioners who have waited months for me to finish theirs: You have the patience of a saint. #And I appreciate you so so so much. #Especially to that one person who's waited for SO long now. I swear to god I'm going to finish it this week #There's definitely a line to be drawn with how long people are willing to wait #AND SAD AS IT IS TO SAY. I've crossed that line before. #Keeping a consistent schedule with life and art for fun and commissions is difficult for sure 😤 #IT'S A BALANCE. It's really a balance! #Shima speaks #Actually the biggest thing for me. Is I want to put the effort in #I don't want to half ass it. I want it to look GOOD #So I never try to force myself to do comms. Bc that's not fair to me or the person who commissioned #They deserve my best effort and my best work!! #The issue is that I'm not always in that headspace to tackle comms and put in the work that's needed #IT'S FRUSTRATING.....but I'd rather make people wait for something I put time and effort into #Rather than something half-assed. You know?? #So that's a big part of it too;; why people have to wait a bit sometimes #Rubs my temples #I'm probably overthinking this WAY too much lol. Sorry it's been a stressful day

[skibasyndrome]

I'm about to throw all my academic values overboard to get this fucking article done

#linguistics are my enemy #not because I don't like the subject #I'm just........ so much less at ease with this than with literary sciene oh my god #I'm so glad I can mostly focus on lit in the future but let me tell you these few linguistics articles I have/had to do have really brought #me to my limit #and I thought I was already fed up and not giving a shit when I did that one article in summer... oh I had NO IDEA how much less of a shit #was capable of giving!!! #the thing is.... I think objectively I'm still? idk not the worst I could technically be doing #like there ARE people who straight up... idk don't even try to have a research question or who don't read more than a handful or articles b #t ugh #I like academic writing so much and I love putting in the work and I love actually getting into the reseach and finding the most important #texts and writing a balanced and well researched article but ugh..... I just feel like I keep reaching my limits with linguistics #and this time is worse than the others because this topic is SO FAR from being standardized and all I can do is ???? mention that there's #like a hundred different models and then just??? choose one and go with it? which is so fucking unsatisfying #but I swear... everybody in this field is just making up a new model that's just different words for the same thing (and not in the /normal #way that science /always/ is about making up a new model. no. this time they are very unnecessarily making up new models) #ugh. everything about this sucks #I should've chosen a different seminar I should've chose a different topic and I especially should've written more of this in summer when I #technically still had a little more time #sorry for blowing up your dash with complaints this festive season lol. I am just having a time (TM) with the different writing tasks on my #hands and I need a place to vent I guess #simon.out. #sounds so drastic btw I'm not about to cheat or plagiarize or anything but I'm about to do so much less of a proper work than I ever wanted #to allow myself to do. cherrypicking and all.

[separatist-apologist]

@the-lonelybarricade is being a bad influence on me someone help

#trying to convince me to write a darker version of the dark gods series #guys I'm trying to tell her no #and I definitely didn't suggest it which was how we ended up here #I WANT to work on my wips and nothing else #I SWEAR #and she's out here like #I don't want to say yelling but caps lock WAS USED

[sailorstarr-chan4]

Honestly, the more I read Mao, the more the "carbon-copy Inuyasha" accusations make no sense. You know what IS a good Rumiko Takahashi earlier work comparison?

MERMAID SAGA/FOREST

Themes of immortality being a curse? immortals either doing good or wrecking havoc? a stoic immortal protagonist who's lived on the Earth too long?? a plucky female protagonist who holds her own in a fight and SHARES THE SAME CURSE AS AFOREMENTIONED IMMORTAL???? Mystery surrounding WHY said curses exist to begin with???? Hello?????

Not everything goes back to Inuyasha, or even Ranma. Takahashi has been doing this shit longer than most of us online have been alive, so of course, she'll have recurring themes, tropes, styles, etc. No shit. So does practically EVERY SINGLE MANGKA IN EXISTENCE.

#Starling ramblings #manga #Rumiko Takahashi #Mao #Mao manga #Mermaid Forest #otaku issues #50 notes #may I introduce you to: Yuu Watase and Arina Tanemura #both are shoujo artists I adore but I swear to GODS their characters are ALL identical! #look them up. I dare you to tell me that you can directly (without context) tell the difference #between the art style of Kamikaze Kaitou Jeanne and The Gentlemen's Alliance Cross and Full Moon wo Sagashite #or Absolute Boyfriend vs Imadoki! Nowadays or Fushigi Yuugi #the differences come down to: Story; Hair Styles; Fantasy vs Non Fantasy #....... and that's about it lmao #so yeah bitch about Yashahime and Mao and Rinne and whatever the fuck #orrrrrr just shelf your nostalgia for two seconds and recognize that an artist's style is almost always reflected in ALL of their work #and if that's not your cup of tea that's FINE! #lord knows I don't exactly worship the ground Takahashi treads upon #(considering the amount of times I've roasted my favorite series by her which is - you guessed it - Inufuckingyasha)

[moe-broey]

I <3 blowing up my save files mid-playthrough or after I've beaten the game and feel aimless or I'm three hours in and incredibly indecisive and perfectionistic and have to start over Better this time or I just get really into One Idea and blow up the save for the sole purpose of achieving the One Idea and once I have it's like. Well. What was the point of that actually. And then I blow it up again

#IDK IDK I FEEL LIKE I'M CURSED......... #i swear to god it all started when i realized i'm transgender. experience that changed me forever #OBVIOUSLY. IN POSITIVE WAYS. #but also i just feel like i'm constantly starting over. i used to have master files. #it was actually such an emotionally fucked up experience i used to write my deadname on the back of my 3ds carts #i used to be ambivalent to my deadname until i felt like i had to prove it to myself. and in doingvthat #i did come to appreciate it and it did feel associated w me. or at least what i was meant to embody. #i was always trying to Prove It. to myself. that if i can Prove It i can make this work and get all i've ever wanted #like love. ect ect #in ways i won't elaborate on my name now does honor my deadname. without really being reflective of it at all #which is exactly what i needed esp at that time in my life. it was SUCH a sudden upheaval. #like all of this i've been burying and stomping out for so many years like. once i finally just allowed myself to question. #and be at peace w it. it just all spilled out full force and like. i think i still experience side effects from it LMFAOOOO #like my save files. being unable to revisit certain games. hell even fe becoming one of my main interests #was a direct side effect of me needing a game where i could be myself and not have any prev memories attached #also just. the fucking type of person i am. guy who loves to leave and start over all the fucking time #but also also like. i think it's just the perfectionism sometimes. like eo2 i'm trying to get my party/lore Just Right #so i can fully immerse myself in it and NOT feel bad. for making any amount of changes to my party 😭 #I'M SUCH A SENTIMENTAL BITCH. WHO CAN'T HOLD ONTO ANYTHING. WHO REFUSES TO LET GO. WHAT‼️‼️‼️ #and w miitopia it's just. i need to update the artwork here it's insane. i gotta fix this. no one is allowed to see this. #anyways. starting over in miitopia and fixing it. i don't even know what my party is gonna be tbh #i usually plan this shit out but again. deep deep DEEPLY rooted Need to just blow everything up forever.

[joyridingmp3]

boss just sat me down and basically asked what's wrong with me again

#i went home sick last friday and i guess someone said i did something wrong at work #when im 99% sure i didn't?? #anyway. they also think I've been quieter lately #i feel bad. im mad because of the whole situation with my shitty coworker #but my boss slipped up and said 'we're friends - well. sorry. we're not /friends/ I'm your boss but -' #so clearly he views me as a friend but is trying to set professional boundaries #I just feel guilty #i don't even know why this is getting to me so much #i guess it feels like someone just listed off all of the things I'm doing wrong and pointed them out to me #and that paired with the fact that I was caught off guard by it #i hate being caught off guard #idk #anyway the apartment cat came over to hang out for a bit but she was distant #so the perceived rejection really hit me #i swear to god i don't realise how insane i am til i write all this out #anyway. i don't have any drugs left other than some random opioids #which is basically russian roulette #in terms of dosage because they're all wildly different #so I'll probably stay sober tonight #which is for the best :/ #if I want to wake up on time to work tomorrow #it's not even anything. im mostly just trying to avoid my creepy shitty coworker #but i can't say that! so i guess everyone just thinks i hate them noe #now* #and they probably all secretly hate me #since he said that a few people have mentioned that I've been quieter lately #so I'm not even doing a good job putting up my ♪~ ᕕ(ᐛ)ᕗ facade #which is like. my only skill and asset #anyway. time to think about dying and never eat again ig #mine

[unopenablebox]

anyone want to help me strategize what to tell the psych intake person tomorrow so that i am successfully diagnosed with adhd and not anything else

#i am worried that i will be too uh. successful in my career. to receive stimulants that would let me do two tasks in an hour #on the other hand what if i sound too upset about my unproductive work life and i am considered Depressed that is not useful #my talking points are: my success in school is due to an elaborate scaffold of coping mechanisms which allow me to compensate #for how hard it is to ever start a thing or keep thinking about a thing or stop thinking about a thing #however now i am Professionalized and it turns out jobs are a whole other thing because you are supposed to do stuff in all the hours #and not a freely chosen subset of the hours #and my year of implementing morally pure Routines and Lists and External Structure has not solved my problem #also i constantly lose all my shit and can't organize anything and forget things constantly and using a calendar is an excruciating exercise #there. is that enough #will that be sufficient for me to get stuff #i know we're supposed to consider that adhd is fake and exists only because of the Environment of Work #but i swear to god other people still own stuff they got a while ago #like ..... shirts #other people keep owning the same shirts. #they don't go anywhere. #some people form routines? and do the same thing every day? they can have more than two routines #i can only have Take 1 Pill and Brush Teeth and everything else happens if it happens #box opener #so. that's uh. how are those

[trans-xianxian]

the instructor I'm working w at my new job is like fine as a person but I'm growing increasingly tired of working with her like this girl truly has no sense of urgency and it's so frustrating like there's a schedule for a reason queen!! we have to be places on time and it takes six year olds like 20 years to stand in a line and even longer for them to grab their stuff And stand in a line!!! she's also late like every day "because of traffic" and it's like okay then leave earlier!! and then during prep in the morning and clean up at the end of the day she just sort of like stands there looking at the schedule of the day/the next morning and it's like bro we/I have places to be can you help me complete tasks!!! and it's not even like she simply doesn't realize what time it is I'll be like okay there's ten minutes to check out we should probably start getting the kids ready to go and she's like yup :) and then doesn't do that at like Please girl we have to be places on time especially when parents are involved 😭

#she also has never worked w little kids before which like to be fair Ive never worked w little kids in a professional setting before either #but I swear to god its like she's never met a little kid before in her entire life 😭 #shes just soooo unengaging w the kids like I can tell that she's a good teacher but she simply does not know how to engage small children #she also doesn't know how to tell them no or set real enforced boundaries and expectations #which means I'M always the one saying no or taking privileges away #and I don't think it makes the kids dislike me but its like bro we are supposed to be working together here.... #also like she's the instructor and I'm the assistant why am I being the more responsible one 😭 #and I KNOW that being the one teaching all of the lessons is a lot #but its like. theres more than just leading lessons in your job description... #idk its just like.. I know that this job is difficult and exhausting and thankless and I know that she's probably trying her best #but that doesn’t stop me from being frustrated abt working w her skhdmcukebfn #idk hopefully it will all get easier throughout the summer we literally have 10.5 weeks left together..... #don't get me wrong I LOVE my new job this is the kind of shit I want to do w my life #but a. I miss middle schoolers and b. no matter how much I love it working w kids is exhausting #anyway. how are you guys #ghost posts #text

[gentlethorns]

jesus christ i hate my body. it's like owning a shitty used car all over again except that I CAN'T SELL IT AND BUY A NEW ONE. unless you would classify orthopedic surgery as doing that and even then that's far in the future and does me no good whatsoever right now

#she bork #tbd #i try to love my body. i really do. i don't like the way it looks but i could get past that and appreciate its function IF IT WERE #FUNCTIONAL. which it is not. #no idea whether my body is punishing me for throwing the truck yesterday or buckling under the hormonal strain of my upcoming cycle or just #deciding to be a dick but the bottom line is that i am exhausted and my body hurts so bad. my wrist my thumb my legs my neck everything. i'm #even having a recurrence of the nerve problems i had in my foot neck in like. TWENTY-TWENTY-ONE. why why why why why. why does my body exist #ONLY to spite me. i swear to god if i get home and i can't put in my fucking words bc of how my body feels i'm gonna freak. i am SO CLOSE TO #THE END DO NAWT NERF ME AT THE FINISH LINE #*my foot BACK in like 2021 lol. even my typos mock me #jesus i just can't emphasize enough how fucking bad my body hurts. my wrist and thumb feel like they have fucking ground glass in them (idk #about my wrist but ik my thumb has a bone spur and that's probably close enough lol). my foot feels like someone is stabbing it w a dull #knife right in that tender spot by the inner ankle bone and making it ache. i feel fucking exhausted and a little sick? idk how even just #like Not Good or like just Off. and i'm STILL at work and then tomorrow i STILL have to run the truck again and then i'm finally off #thursday. jesus fucking christ if i have to spend all weekend sleeping to get over this bullshit i am gonna be SO mad

[seenthisepisode]

.

#i feel like i am having some kind of a crisis. first of all i got sick AGAIN so i am at home coughing and not being able to breathe because #my nose is completely useless right now. the good part is i am on a sick leave so at least no work for three days yeah . but then i have #shifts on saturday and sunday which sucks BUT at least they are morning shifts which means i will be at home by 3.30 pm BUT that means #waking up before 6 am which again SUCKS but at least i don't have to be at work till 10 pm. so there is that. also i will have the next wee #off completely :)) which is fantastic news excpt. we were supposed to travel somewhere (me and my mom ) but we didn't manage to plan #anything so i will most likely stay at home and feel like i am wasting my free time which will make me feel guilty as fuck and not enjoy th #free time because this is ow my mind works and the stress i feel because of it? it's eating me from the inside like i literally can't focus #on ANYTHING because i already stress about wasting my next week. literally someone call a psychiatrist #also we didn't plan anything because the money needs to be saved for. my wedding. so there is a good reason why but that reason? #ANOTHER REASON FOR STRESS. i have been avoiding thinking about it seriously because once i start i will obsess over it and won't sleep #anyway. i have a wedding day coming in 2 months and i feel useless and completely out of control. head in hands. #also i won't be able to attend purcon in may which sucks but i need to sell the ticket because i already lost so much money on crossroads #that i also didn't attend only bought tickets impulsively last year so i want to avoid that happening again which means i have to like #sell them which is this whole thing that is also stressing me out. also i need to do the taxes . another stress factor #i was not meant for this life i was meant to live in a tent by the mountain lake i swear to god #personal

[captainsparklefingers]

It's always weird when you get an idea for an au story and it sounds great as an idea, but then when you go to try and plot it out, you're like 'wait this is either gonna involve a complete overhaul of canon or I'm gonna have to ignore a lot of shit or get really, REALLY creative'. And suddenly the whole thing just feels very, very daunting.

I think that's why I haven't done anything longer than oneshots (interconnected or otherwise) for a while.

Like, writing Conspiracy of Ravens, my last multichapter story for anything, did involve a major canon change, but it was something that could, I think, be done in a way that could sort of slot into canon and not feel eo out of place? I mean it wasn't perfect, but i5 didn't feel like...wildly impossible, which for something that could have big ripple effects is good, I'd say.

I've got other ideas for longer things, four of which I'm seriously consider writing, one of which I've actually been trying to write on and off for liiiiike...two years? And as you can see, they do not exist beyond my brain and a bunch of notes that go nowhere, or they get started but the idea of a complete canon rewrite is so daunting that even beginning to plan that out is a struggle.

I gotta say, I really admire people who do massive aus that manage to both diverge from their canon source in a big way while also following similar plot beats or echoes and staying true to both the characters and the heart/feel of the original source work. Because that CANNOT be easy.

(you know exactly who you are, if you're reading this, and I both envy and deeply respect you.)

....look I've been home sick with a major headcold all day, with nothing to keep me company but my cats and my thoughts. This is what happens when I have free time. Not any ACTUAL writing, but a dumb blog post about how writing is hard. In short: I'm sick, I'm bored, I have writers block, and I'm complaining instead of, you know, doing anything productive.

#don't mind me i'm just rambling #stupid writing thoughts #one of those au ideas I think could work better as an original story but... #... well. trying to find a way to deal with memory and identity issues like those of our purple fave is tricky. #(yes its all cr related no I don't know why I can't write for anything else) #(Yes I'm aware of the irony that my 'kiki has twin sons and managed to hide the pregnancy' story is the easy one to consider canon adjacent) #(yes im still thinking about how said kids would fit into canon even though I'm doing literally nothing with them) #(ask me about my ocs theyre underused and overly thought out) #look i guess im an ideas person more than anything else. which.... sucks a bit i guess. #i dont know why I decided to write this all out. i don't know where this is coming from. I'm not like. frustrated. #not more than normal anyway. #and I'm definitely not like angry jealous because that's just stupid. #....on a totally unrelated note I coughed up a mucus lump earlier that I swear to god looked like a dick. #behold. the real reason for this nonsense. #i had to find a way to talk about the dick loogie without it being the main topic of conversation because thats gross

[fingertipsmp3]

Girl help I don't understand my homework

#so the assignment i've just finished (well sort of) was to create a html form. fine; great #i also had to style it in bootstrap. okay. add some validation. yep; all fine #but then. but then i had to check that the information inputted had been submitted somewhere and could be retrieved #which normally would be fine but it's on my eleventy blog which is menacingly gigantic and messy #i also don't really understand what .md or .njk or .php files are #i tried to copy what sam (classmate i have a crush on) did but not be too obvious with it but i don't think that worked either #which begs the question of whether or not sam even managed to figure it out #i wish i could ask him but leading with 'hey i'm the person who's been going through all your github repos in incognito mode. #does your form work' does not seem like the move #anyway i submitted a mostly nonfunctional form because i don't care anymore. kick me off the course i dare you to do it. i want you to do i #i swear to god some higher power does not want me to become a web developer. the amount of shit that has happened to me this past six weeks #is like biblical. like did anyone have my sister dying; my dog becoming so senile that she needs to be put down; #my best friend getting robbed & me getting sick on their october bingo. because i sure didn't #and on top of it all i'm trying to comprehend javascript. like it's not... it's not the vibe #i'd quit but then i'd just be here doing fuckall and also i'm way too stubborn to quit #there's a part of me that's like. back in august i didn't even know what html and css were and now i'm creating whole ass pages with them #i'm also a fucking boss with git/github now. it damn near had me in tears when i first learned about it #so yeah i Can learn javascript but there isn't really time to learn everything i need to learn #because i fucked around too much and now i'm finding out! #i really feel like i should've told the guidance person about my problems last week when we had that meeting but it was like... i didn't #want to cry over ms teams in front of this person i barely know. so i was just like 'yeah i'm fine' #honestly halfway tempted to ask if i can join next month's cohort when they start and just get a do-over. it's literally a free course #or drop out and do a scrimba bootcamp instead. or drop out and never think about web development again. #drop out and run away to eastern europe to teach english. drop out and go get high in amsterdam until the money runs out and i have to work #in a ski lodge or something to stay alive. hm. hmmmmm #personal

[hannahchronism]

i saw. an edit on tiktok (yeah i know) of someone who had compiled a bunch of pictures they took when they started to feel like the thing they were doing wasn't real and that sort of. boxed me into acknowledging that that should probably be. the minority feeling. if it happens at all.

#smth smth christian household. smth smth father from very.... #oh my mom said it the other day and it was such a good word for it but now i've lot it. #hmm anyway his father was army and not particularly. hm. not Not demonstrative but didn't Say things #father from very 'my dad was army and his dad was army' family #mother has image-focused gaslighter whose favorite child was the boy for a mother #(and her dad died when i was very little) #((and then actually dad's dad died when i was a little older but still. quite little.)) #(((((that's a fun trend we have. there's more to it but that's . anyway.)))) #this is a very circumventive way of getting do ''my god do i know how to not talk or address or look at things'' #jordan's family freaks me out they all yell at each other about stuff and it's like. that's not allowed ;slkfjgs;dlkfjg #like that sound derogatory i really don't mean it to be and im sure there's a whole list of pros and cons for that one too it's just like #god it's So Different. it's so different. we don't yell until someone has like. Snapped. usually over something little #this has steered in a way that one wonders how the things are related but i swear they are #the ultimate point meant to be ''god i wish i knew how to talk'' which actually i guess isn't that it's really more like #god i wish i trusted myself to know how to talk because i do i worked very very very hard to be able to but im always afraid to do it anywa #it's so much easier to never say anything if you are willing to accept the cost of that #and if you have been doing it for a very long time its very hard to remember whether or not you are and how to hold on to not accepting it #which is mainly. rooted in self trust #im having a time. im trying very hard i know it does not look or sound like it. #and if you are down here this far please understand i don't think. that i want eye contact over the top of this post #i am very good at looking away. i am very good at (& used to) being invisible. being looked at is very scary. #i really almost don't like it very much at all but if you could sit with me without looking that would be. really very cool #but that is much harder online #hmmmmmmmmmm starting to feel very visible in fact right now but i've been posting on this blog for years since like the peak of disaster #why stop now