#what's up it's 2 am and ive got WORMS in my brains | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

lolexjpg · 4 months

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dts s5 e6-8

e6: -having flashbacks of having to defend oscar to my mom for this why does the show try to lean into otmar's perspective so heavily GROSS -nah im full tinhatting i do not remember this whole bit where everyone hypes up oscar in interview before he has his lil chat with mark netflix u slimey lil bitches -oh if i was here when this news broke summer break 2022. i would've been inconsolable. i'm sure it was nuts, ballistic. maybe it was good i wasnt there. idk if i could've handled it akldkfjadslkfjasdkfj -lando saying "i already am (leading the team)" was not that rude it was just the TRUTH sorry -daniel speaking italian is so important actually -"ive been in this sport for 25 years i know what im doing" king that only makes the fumble THAT much more embarrassing COME ON -otmar talking abt how well oscar took all the shit we offered aren't we owed a contract? reminds me of timeshare schemes like actually just u paid for xyz if you dont have a contract in place he doesnt owe u anything maybe do contracts better next time :) -unfortunately zak brown is right!! its a pr disaster is the 5 million worth it!!! and they didnt even get the 5 mil!!! how do lose ur job speedrun masterclass here!! -i do wonder how much netflix inflated daniel's chances for the alpine seat, bc from what i've heard it wasnt really in the conversation. idk i wasnt there but it would make sense for netflix to lean heavily into this narrative -did not realize liam was sitting Right There when pierre was askin abt the gossip aldfjaslkfjaksjdf -the way how in season 1 its like NO DANIEL DON"T LEAVE RED BULL i feel the same way abt pierre going to alpine. like ofc it made perfect sense at the time and you cant fault him for it but like no babygirl its bouta implode PLEASE -rip all the tiktok edits that were muted in the umg purge that paired "good luck to oscar" with "if a man talks shit then i owe him nothing." thank u taylor couldn't have said it better myself -"do you regret anything that's happened?" "um. no :)" U TELL EM BABY

e7: -i'm sorry but geri seemingly getting boiling water from a tap to make tea is so fucking insane rich person cursed -was originally gonna include this funny shot of christian standing looking out a balcony like sharpay evans in high school musical in my s5 gifset but due to recent events i will not :) -i just think. that including this whole bit abt how much checo loves his family in the same episode as the monaco gp where he allegedly cheated on his wife was a CHOICE. interesting. -lewis's monaco 2022 outfit is one of his best outfits ever. its so iconic 2 me -HI ALEX -so many cinematic parallels to discuss. s1 max putting it in the wall in practice and ruining his race to prove he was faster than daniel. known parallels to brocedes ALLEGEDLY trying to sabotage eachother by crashing in that corner in monaco. hmm hmm hmm. much to think -im sorry the sainz collision is just so goofy. i remember watching the replay of this quali and being bamboozled. befuddled. deeply amused. what a stupid fucking sport -'for fucks sa-........okay this is typical monaco isnt it" MAX GETS IT -i honestly dont mind wet monaco races just bc by nature of the track its on average slower therefore less dangerous. i'll take a wet monaco over a wet spa any damn day -ferrari's double pit fuck up is PEAK embarassing ferrari strats. like to do a bad strat is one thing but to just mess up the strat ur trying to do. peak biblically cursed charles leclerc moment

e8: -god i wish i got more into yukierre. i see the appeal. unfortunately they just dont give me brain worms -many thoughts. um i think focusing on yuki's temper is just. unfair. like sure he should work on it but thats an issue with many young drivers its not a unique failure on his part -i have given thoughts on japan '22 before i'm not rly gonna rehash but i really wish the didn't gloss over it on dts. i think it was an important moment in the sport to have a big conversation abt rain safety. -oh this nyck supercut is gonna be painful knowing where it goes :/ -god remember when ppl thought nyck was gonna lead the team? leave yuki in the dust? even /i/ had him above yuki in my preseason predictions isnt that insane? -"im happy, i'll take that, that you'll miss me at least 2 or 3 minutes" god forgot the most romcom ass shit since sebchals we'll start by holding hands -nando n lance having this crazy crash and now a year later they're fucking on the reg. happy 4 them

#i'm ahead of schedule now on purpose so i dont have to worry abt it when pst starts!#i will likely finish 2moro WOO #she speaks #dtsrewatch

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nerice · 11 months

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ask meme: even numbers >:3

CATCHING UP ON ASK GAMES on this fine 1:18 am >:3

2, if you gave an in depth description of your story to someone who was not all the way paying attention, what would their takeaway be?

the takeaway is that i'd stop talking the second it seems sb is not paying attention lmao but i guess the cliffnotes is [standing in front of conspiracy board] hot evil girls (unkillable) also moons something is up with them moons

4, what would you say is the message, if there is one.

alright finally deigning this with a serious answer. there is no big msg no grand takeaway, just the mess of the struggle & trying to make it thru when life is cruel and unjust and sometimes there's light at the end of the tunnel and other times the despair wins. sometimes the despair is chosen and it's a self-righteous thing and at the end of the day it's about knowing what's best for yourself and the life you want to live, despite (all the despites) and sometimes it is about the catharsis of giving up when it's all too much ;-;

6, speaking of tv adaptations, why would yours get cancelled? (other than capitalism)

ive seen the twinks people wanna cast for holland shadesofmagic i am not letting irl casting be done so this never gets made because animation is too expensive (shoutout to hair, my ocs have a lot of it) w otherwise for all the same reasons down in #18

8, what inspired your world building, if anything?

moon emphasis is definitely a sailor moon worm + a lot of contamination from waverunners [german pirate series] eldritch ocean mare tenebrosum merged with some old recurring fever dream imagery for the invisible moon. also EXTREMELY early kyoani/key shows (air+kanon) for sponsoring how my visual imagination works & the tragedy/wings/dream thematics <3

10, if your story is titled, why did you choose that title?

ok fun anecdote time again in lieu of going thru all 2389 stories individually so. shadow revenge is the book i started out with and always had that title, and when conceptualizing the other two books for the trilogy i wanted to keep a similar naming scheme (starting with s + double noun) so originally they were

schattenrache (shadow revenge)

seelentraum (soul delusion, to grade 8 me, but lit. 'soul dream')

sanduhrmelodie (sandglass melody)

the last one is esp fun bc i was just groping in the dark for a title to fit the scheme & only from there worked out it was abt linn's melody nd all that biz lmao but u can see the influence that later made soul plot big before i switched to 'dream game' for the middle one bc i always LOATHED 'soul delusion' as a title f. (the german one fucks quite well tbh) so much of my finickiness is needing to make things work in 2 languages OTL

12, okay be honest. pick a favorite oc from this ocverse.

there is no competition like, at all. 🐇

14, whats your favorite part of this story/project?

interconnected story hell !!!!!!! i don't think i'll ever write anything else i'll never have a story that does not plug into the larger verse somehow (valiant attempts by my short story profs but vertebrae inventory / touching fire / let sleeping gods die all got folded back into side content ww) nothing gets my brain going like the layers upon layers of history and thrulines and transposing it into different settings or formats. i will never get tired of it. i was put on this earth to do exactly this and i hope i will get to do it for a long time still <(/)3

16, imagine the entire story takes place but in the meantime the characters all also have tumblr. what kind of (terrible) tumblr posts would happen?

answered! but as a bonus i am entirely sure that eliada would get the most mileage out of that setup until he gets doxxed by alissa. send tweet

18, what aspect of the story would get you #canceled on twitter?

glorifying self harm and suicide, teenagers fucking raw onscreen, every #linneacore moment. also cancelling myself over the existence of amasa i deserve it what the fuck

20, your ocverse just got a movie trilogy a la hunger games style. how have they horribly mangled your message/theme so that the movies are now a showcase of what the original was condemning?

OH FOR SURE none of the ugly parts or disk horse worthy content (see above) stay intact, sj is a romance now, gr*y actually dies and probably feels a little bad about what he has done, every suicide gets some noble circumstances attached to it esp faye who gets shafted into the typical time traveling savior role instead of coldhearted pragmatism for her own end. i am mad just thinking abt it thanks <3

22, you have been given unlimited funds to make two adaptations of some sort, however you cannot make any other adaptations of any other sort. which two formats do you choose?

(i am not handing any point of production over to anyone else but i am using the unlimited funds to devote myself to realizing these full-time) comics and animation! i am not interested in anything else

24, best scene you've written?

my writing is no doubt at its best when i'm writing soulless torture / rabbit hell but that is. premium tier locked patreon content; as far as fav scenes go my top three are probably

qs life pledges [THEY WIN !]

the original black swan masked ball piece. changed the course of history & my entire writing career

jumie/sky conversation after [redacted]s death. we cannot elaborate it's too much for my heart, agh!

[lies down both metaphorically and irl] goodnight thanks for playing!!

#LONG POST /#SORRY !#i always think i will put a readmore eventually and then i dont. unless there is a fun place for dramatic effect lol cope #thank u sooooo much for always giving me a lot of numbers to chew on #the real reason this one took me so long was bc i wanted to redraw a certain sketchbook page for 12 but not in this wrist economy :(#askbox #ispybluesky #oc asks #this was so fun i got to talk abt some things i dont usually talk abt :333!!#also lol @ me saying 1:18 am up there it's almost 3am now. whoopsie

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coureirsix · 3 years

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supernatural season 16 episode 4 - “lifeline” | ao3 link

it's roughly 11 PM on january 23rd when dean gets a call from eileen. he'd been out of the bunker with jack and cas for nearly three days; they'd taken jack to an amusement park. something about never seeing one before which reminded dean the last time he'd ever been to one, he was three years old and didn't remember a thing. which was fine, except that jack had wanted to go to six flags. he'd said something about finding old commercials with a dancing old man and the closest one was in kentucky. naturally, this wasn't an issue with dean. he'd driven farther for less, but on the way back he'd begun to realize that as he got older, the drives took more out of him.

they'd gotten back earlier that afternoon and had spent most of the day lounging around until the exhaustion got the better of them at around nine. well, except jack. who could have just driven back to kentucky if he wanted to. cas made sure he didn't want to. so, it's saturday night, cas is breathing deeply beside him, completely asleep, jack is probably watching TV in the dean-cave, and dean has been drifting in and out of sleep for the past 20 minutes when his phone buzzes to the tune of the Call Me Maybe song. it's the tone he'd set up for eileen because, well, she never calls. so, when she does call, it's usually an emergency flare that's followed up with an explanatory text.

dean's eyes shoot awake and he watches the call miss as he waits a second for eileen's message to come in.

dean, sam broke the tub. he can't get the hot water to stop running. SOS. please, my hair is disgustingly humid. his too.

and dean laughs. it was an emergency, but the kind that didn't have him spiraling into a depression. that was... almost nice, he thinks. they have normal people problems now. he leans over to where cas is asleep beside him and cas' trained as well as dean is. he stirs awake with the movement and opens his eyes in a half-awake gesture.

“sam’s in trouble,” dean says with a smile. cas’ eyes shoot open, but dean’s demeanour doesn’t change, instead he follows up with, “he.. broke his bathtub somehow.”

cas squints. dean laughs some more and gets himself out of bed. he’s gotta find the little duffel bag that they’d dedicated to tools that didn’t include weapons of mass destruction. it shouldn’t be too hard to find. the last time they’d used it was when sam actually broke a door off its hinges.

“i’m going back to sleep,” cas says, turning over as dean redresses. and dean laughs again. cas was grumpy when he was exhausted. it was endearing.

it doesn’t take him too long to get ready to leave the bunker. he finds the duffel bag underneath the bathroom sink and before he knows it, he’s pulling out of the bunker’s vicinity in the impala and headed toward sam and eileen’s place. the issue with them is they live roughly 45 minutes away. he texts eileen back, letting her know he’s on his way.

and dean thinks, as he drives over. that it’s his birthday tomorrow. well- he checks his phone, it’s basically his birthday. sunday january 24th, 2021. he didn’t think he’d live this long. he was the answer to the universe now, technically. 42. he looks down at his hands on the wheel. they’re worn. they’re the hands of a tired man who fought multiple apocalypses, multiple archangels, god himself. and won.

he takes a deep breath and thinks about sam. he loves his little brother more than he can ever explain. it’s unhealthy, probably, how much he’d done to save sam from everything. death, despair, sam himself that time he lost his soul. dean was there and willing to bleed for whatever sam needed. and he knew sam would always do the same. it was comforting. and even moreso now that they’d decided to take some time to really asses what was best for either of them. sam let himself want his apple pie life again. and it was the happiest day of dean’s life to see his little brother decorating the house he’d leased with eileen.

dean doesn’t hunt fulltime anymore. he’ll do an odd ghost job here and there, but mostly he mans the phones. he’s now FBI Supervisor Agent Harkness, police chief Richard Grayson, at cas’ request Texas Ranger Dean Swift, and at jack’s request Marlo Bridgers.it’s a living, he thinks. he still helps out other hunters and he passes off the bigger jobs to the younger people that’ve unfortunately ended up in the hunting life.

mostly, though, he and cas have been making up for lost time. they go out on dates. dates, like embarrassing 15 year olds. he’s taken cas to the movies, they’ve gone for walks at the mall. dean held cas’ hand under a tree and it was the most incredible thing in the world.

it’s embarrassing, it’s enough to make himself blush at the memory of it, but it’s also nice in that same breath. it brings him a sense of peace like he’s never fully properly known. because it’s about trust. and not trust in cas, not trust in himself, hell, the trust has nothing to do with either of them. it has to do with the fact that dean has finally let himself trust that things are going to be okay. that no matter what happens, he’s going to be okay.

and that’s what he thinks about when he’s sitting across from cas at the baskin robbins. that they’re safe. that things are okay. because they are, dean’s earned that much through his own tears and blood.

the sound of wind hitting the impala as he drives down the highway closer to sam and eileen is the melody to the memories of his life as it has been since they got rid of chuck and jack put god’s power back into the universe.

he pulls into the driveway of sam’s cookie cutter house. he’s in the middle of the driveway but dean doesn’t care and he knows neither sam nor eileen would care either. besides, the impala outshines the two normal cars they drive. he grabs the duffel bag and heads for the door, waiting for a second before the door clicks and he sees eileen in a crack in the door. he smiles at her.

“dean!” she says, visibly excited. dean keeps his smile on his face and waves, unsure why she’d be so excited that he’s here at practically midnight to fix her bathtub. she reaches out to grab his wrist and pull him into the house. she leads him through dark down the little hall that dean knows leads into the bathroom. dean notices there is no humidity in the house.

“eileen? is everything-” dean starts to ask when the lights flick on, blinding dean for a second before it clicks that it’s a party. it’s a party at midnight for him.

he sees jody, donna, alex, claire and kaia. sam and bobby among several other hunters dean had come to know. it’s a full house, yet dean notices the lack of jack and cas. there’s a stack of presents in a corner behind the kitchen, a cake with a single candle on the table. claire is approaching him with a party hat in her hands and an evil look on her face. dean glances over at eileen, who’s beaming at him. she knows what she did. led zeppelin comes through a little speaker in the corner, not too loud, but loud enough that its ambiance music now.

dean lets himself get wrapped in a hug from claire and then lets her put the hat on him before sam approaches him.

“this your idea?” dean asks. sam grins, but shakes his head.

“no, actually. i wanted to do it tomorrow morning. show up at the bunker with everyone, but, i know someone with worse intentions than me who said that tricking you into coming here at the moment of your birthday would be something you couldn’t see coming,” sam opens his arms and dean lets himself fall in. he hugs his little brother back and the emotions from earlier come back. he and sam were alive. dean’s greatest achievement in life was keeping sam alive and now here he was, reaping the benefits.

he goes through similar motions with everyone. jody gives him a hug and then leans up to kiss him on the temple. donna squeezes him so hard he swears his insides are flattened.

after a few moments of getting caught up with everyone, sam sits him down at the table where the cake is. dean rubs his hands, ready to light the candle in it when sam makes this “uh-uh” sound. dean looks up at him in confusion when eileen brings over a pie with those large novelty number candles set into it. 42 sure was a year.

dean sits there in the obligatory hot seat as everyone gathers around and sings him happy birthday. it’s awkward, it makes him blush and tears well up in his eyes, although nobody can really see it through the dimmed lights. and he looks around and his smile saddens a bit. he should have told cas to come with him. did sam not think to text jack?

he goes through the motions and cuts the first slice of the pie for himself and passes off the pastry to sam and eileen who take care of passing out the rest of it and the cake that’d been there. dean looks around, hoping cas and jack had been right behind him as sam brings him over a whiskey. it goes down ridiculously smooth. sam mentions he ran one last credit card scam for $3,000 whiskey for this. dean laughs and asks for another.

the night winds down fairly quickly, given it’s nearly three in the morning by the time everyone’s settled down into a less partying mood. dean ends up sitting outside with sam in some lawn chairs from walmart in sam’s cookie cutter back yard. eileen’s gone to bed and most everyone has gone home by then.

“you ever think we’d live this long?” sam asks.

“nope,” dean says without hesitation, “sammy, you died when you were twenty two. i died at twenty seven? twenty eight? god, i don’t even remember.”

“and those were just the first times,” sam says with an incredulous laugh.

“shit,” dean laughs with him, “yeah.”

“and we got out,” sam says. there’s a satisfaction in his voice that makes every single time dean died or did anything stupid for sam worth it. it’s a tone that dean knows means sam is happy. and that’s it, that was dean’s goal.

“we did,” dean agrees, taking another sip of the whiskey, “we beat hell, we beat heaven, we beat purgatory, we beat god.”

“kicked god’s ass,” sam affirms, “we get to choose what we want to do now. we write our own destiny now.”

dean reaches over and outstretches his glass. sam meets him halfway and they toast to that. dean watches sam pull his phone out and send off a quick text message. probably eileen telling him to go to bed.

they sit in silence for a while. and sam’s phone vibrates. dean watches him check it and not respond. trouble in paradise? he doubts it, but he doesn’t really know every single thing about sam anymore.

“i know you’re gonna tell me to shut up, but i do have to say, dean. thank you,” sam looks over at him.

“for?” dean asks.

“for everything, man,” sam has this look on his face like he’s going to cry, “you raised me. you were always there for me. im thirty eight, nearly sixteen years overdue if you hadn’t sold your soul to save me. i’m who i am because of you, and i like to think i’m in pretty good shape. and you, dean. i’m so proud of you. you’re the strongest person i’ve ever met. and i love you, and i’m happy that it was you that i got to have be my big brother.”

dean actually cries, but he turns around so that sam can’t see it. he composes himself in a second and turns back. he doesn’t have it in him to fight sam on the emotional distress this is causing him. instead he says, “thanks, sam. i’m glad i got to be your big brother, too.”

sam’s phone buzzes again. he checks it again and this time does respond. he sighs and looks over at dean again, “i gotta go. eileen says the bed is too cold.”

dean huffs a laugh and nods, “go fix that.”

sam nods and gets up. dean hears the door that leads back into the house slide open and then slide shut. and dean is left with himself at the end of it all. he sighs. he’s happy, he thinks.

and then he hears an unmistakable flutter.

“dean!” he hears jack yell. it’s louder given it’s three in the morning and most people in this neighbourhood are asleep.

“i’m so sorry,” jack says, rushing up to dean’s side, “we were planning to be there for the cake but it wasn’t ready and we kept trying to fix things-”

“fix what?” dean asks, curiously. he’s not mad.

“the-” jack stops short, looking behind dean. and dean realizes the missing piece of his birthday puzzle has to be behind him.

and he is. the angel castiel is standing behind dean on the cement part of the patio a few feet back, wearing one of dean’s old band tshirts under his trench coat. and there’s a book in his hands.

“happy birthday, dean,” cas says, a little smile on his face.

dean gets up. his foot nearly kicks the whiskey glass he set down with the speed he gets up at. and he doesn’t waste any time in grabbing the sides of cas’ face and pressing the most heartfelt, loving, tender kiss dean has ever given anyone in his life. there’s a warmth that always seems to be radiating from cas and dean wants to stick to it like a leech.

when he pulls back, cas keeps the little smile on his face and hands dean the book. it’s a photo album, he realizes, once he takes it and opens it. there’s- there’s baby pictures of him there. things that were surely lost in the fire in lawrence. as he flips through the album, he finds pictures of him and sam growing up. things nobody had ever photographed before, he’s pretty sure. at one point he finds a picture of him at age twelve, lying on roof of the impala.

“cas,” dean asks, in completely disbelief, “where did you get these?”

“i did!” jack says coming from behind dean in an awkward hug from behind, “i can still tap into the power of god if i want to. it wasn’t hard to pop into different points of your life and just take a picture.”

dean turns back and pulls jack forward to pull him into a better hug as he laughs. that’s somehow the craziest thing he’s ever heard.

“happy birthday, dad,” jack says. and he tenses against dean.

“did you just call me dad?” dean asks.

“no,” jack lies.

“right,” dean says, a grin on his face that he looks up and notices that cas shares.

“well, it’s kinda creepy that you existed for a second at different points in my life, but i love it, jack. a walk down memory lane, shit and all. i love it, thank you, son” and he leans down to press a kiss against the top of jack’s head.

“this what kept you?” dean asks cas as jack lets go and says he’s heading inside.

cas nods and he says with a little shrug, “it seemed like a kind gesture. i sort of gave him points to land on. that way he didn’t land in the middle of a hunt or something. i’m sorry, dean.”

dean shakes his head and goes to set the book down on the chair he’d been sitting in and he walks back over to cas. where cas is standing, there’s a cement step between the cement patio area and the grass that dean and sam had been sitting in. it makes it so cas is a few inches taller than dean.

dean finds himself turning around so that cas can come around him, head coming to rest on dean’s shoulder and his arms coming around dean’s middle.

“thought you were supposed to be sleeping,” dean says with a mocking tone.

“and miss your forty-second birthday?” cas asks, turning to press a kiss to the side of dean’s face. they look up at the sky and dean wonders how exactly he got there. there’s a feeling in his chest that he doesn’t understand, but he knows what it is. it’s peace, it’s happiness.

“i have a speech prepared for you,” cas says softly. his hands tap at dean’s stomach and dean brings up his own hands to cover them.

“right, right. something about how my eyes glitter like the moon?” dean asks, his tone is still jokey.

“something like that,” cas says, “and moreso how you’ve been the world’s lifeline and how i’m so happy you’re finally thinking of yourself.”

dean’s heart sinks a little as cas continues.

“you know sam loves you, you know your friends love you. you know that i love you with the wrath of heaven behind me. and somehow that doesn’t compare to the happiness i feel now that i know that you finally love you.”

dean’s face goes completely red. the warmth is different from the warmth of the next kiss that cas places against his cheek again.

“thank you,” he chokes out, voice breaking because he’s started crying again, “i... i don’t have heaven. but i love you with the power of a guy who fought god.”

cas laughs, “and won,” he adds.

dean’s blush comes down a little and he leans back just a little, so he can turn and meet cas full on in another kiss before turning back to look out at the normal neighbourhood sam’s found himself in.

“do you think we could do something like this? cookie cutter house. you me and the kid?” dean asks.

“if you think you’re prepared to let the bunker go, i don’t see why not,” cas responds.

the thought of turning the bunker’s lights out for good makes dean feel a certain kind of way. still, though. now it’s a thought that’s popped into his head. who knows.

for now, he’s content to stand there with his angel, looking out at the other backyards, at the stars while their respective kids sleep in the house.

#deancas #deancasfic #destielfic #HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAN #what's up it's 2 am and ive got WORMS in my brains #but this is cute.. i think.#.txt

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pepprs · 4 years

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i make the same post in a different way almost every day butlike god. i am fucking crazy. squidward im insane.jpg if u will

#quarantine makes the worms in my brain go CRAZYYYYYY like. i can fuckin SENSEthe cycles i put myself thru i just dont know how 2 break them #i just am like. suckerpunched by doubt All The Time even tho i have YEARS of evidence that should b more than enough 2 prove that i have not #nothing 2 worry abt!!!! im jumping off the track and claiming my destiny!!! im getting what i want most of the time!!!! and YET im wounded s #so easily and um. 2 quote A Certain Source.... im so quick 2 underestimate others’ capacity to like. deny me what i want and im too quick 2 #cast myself as a b*rden and that shit. even tho i am Constantly told im not one. like whats not clicking!!!!! whats not clicking!!!!!!!!!!!!#also i was readin back thru old stuff i wrote today like. listing out aome Tr*umatic Moments that i didnt realize were traumatic until i #listed them in october or wheneber i did it and it made me so sad like. oh thats why i am the way i am. I See The Type Of Person You Are.jpg #anyways. ive said this but these days im CONSTANTLY thinking of that ‘we’re exploring the deep roots of my mental illness’ screencap nd like #yeah. thats been me ever since i got home and i HATE IT but also i HAVE TO and like. i am fuck’ed up irreversably 🥴 and i need 2 make big de #decisions and b what ppl need me 2 b but i have Itchues and my brain isnt even fully formed yet and im punished buster. im fucking stupid 💔😌#purrs

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iwrestlenow · 3 years

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Many More To Die - Chapter 2

TITLE: Many More To Die (Chapter 2)

FANDOM: Sanders Sides (Necromancer AU)

SUMMARY: Names are powerful things--and after ten years, Logan's has acquired quite a bit. The restoration of his power is something he has to fight viciously to keep secret...But he's not the only necromancer who's in hiding. Above his head, Roman is being introduced to the people of the Kingdom's as his father's successor--but someone in the shadows is coming for the royal house of Sanders, of which Roman is part.And Logan will not stand for someone laying figurative hands on anyone that belongs to him.

SHIPS: Logince (Logan/Roman), future Moceit (Patton/Janus) and Dukexiety (Remus/Virgil)

WARNINGS: lots of death because necromancy, slash, and more to come as I figure it out ‘cause it’s late and I’m tired. In this particular chapter, CW for angst--I’ll post what kind at the end if you want to avoid spoilers, but I’m warning because for me? It’s a triggery subject. Be safe, you’re all so sweet and ILU.

Also, no betas, we die like men.

NOTES: This is based on the gorgeous piece of art by @gretacticdraws that can be found here. I ended up writing a ficlet for it, and then my brain got swallowed up. Breathe at me wrong, and I’ll write more…hell, who am I kidding? I’ll write more anyway because this? Is self indulgent drivel. XD

Also located at AO3 over here.

1025, A.A.

“Berry?”

Logan was yanked from a sound sleep by the utterance of his name—not the sound, but the feeling of it. Crawling around inside his skull like ants, static electricity shocking his neural pathways and the core of his essence. It was red strings and his first meal after that one stretch in the dungeon's blackout cells after he punched the guard that dislocated his shoulder.

Logan Berry. Logan Berry. The gift from his guardian angel was two years old at this point...and Logan was starting to wonder if it was more than just a small reminder of his personhood, to keep the harsh world around him from breaking his spirit.

Sitting up, Logan rubbed his eyes and reached for his glasses where they sat on the floor beside his pallet. When they had finally given them back to him two weeks after his arrival, the right lens had been all but shattered. The guard who had returned them—the same one who injured him—smiled far too wide for Logan's liking, inciting the attack that had gotten him punished.

“I am awake.” he announced softly, sliding his glasses on and rising from his pallet to approach the bars of his cell. Squinting in the low torchlight, he searched...

A point of bright yellow sunlight, slit down the middle by a reptilian pupil gleamed in the shadows before the body it was attached to came into view. Swiftly, it was joined by another eye, very much human and dark as chocolate. A sweep of hair as black as Logan's own fell across his forehead, and the torchlight gleamed across the burnished surface of the scales that covered half of the young drake's face and neck.

“Of course.” the drake shot back dryly, not quite managing to hide the sibilant accent inherent to his species. “That's why you were snoring.”

“What do you want, Janus?”

The eighteen year old Janus narrowed his mismatched eyes at Logan—but quickly gave up on trying to look intimidating. He hardly needed it, being not only older, but the son of the captain of the guard.

“A favor.” he admitted, sparking enough of Logan's interest to banish the last of the cobwebs lingering in his head. Janus didn't like being indebted to anyone—and, to that end, usually came to Logan for favors, as Logan was always perfectly willing to trade his assistance for some commodity, be it books, food, or the repair of his glasses.

“What is the favor?” Logan asked.

Janus said nothing for a long moment, staring into Logan's face...no, not his face. Squinting, he realized Janus was quite deliberately avoiding direct eye contact by focusing on a point just above Logan's eyes, somewhere around his forehead.

“Janus?...”

Shutting his eyes, Janus ducked his head.

“I...need a name.”

“A...what?”

“A name, all right? Like the one you picked for yourself.”

Logan was startled by that request—he told no one about the boy who came to him, claimed he made up his own surname to replace the Name that was stripped away. Some of the guards disliked it, stirring fresh retellings of the legends of the Lazari: necromancers with the power not merely to raise the dead, but craft true, living souls from sheer force of will.

He even heard some new ones about the Animata: a theoretical balance to the Necromata, magic practitioners that could manipulate life the way necromancers manipulated death. From the stories Logan overheard while pretending to sleep with guards outside his cell, the Animata had been wiped out by the rise of the Animator, the First of the Necromata, leading to his rise and attempted enslavement of the Kingdoms. With the Animata gone and unable to keep the balance in check, the king had been forced to slay the Animator and had outlawed necromancy soon after.

All stories, of course...but over the last two years, as his name wormed through his brain the way the power of the prison mages had, it sometimes made him wonder. After all, mythology and legend served two functions in human history: explaining natural phenomenon that were not yet understood, or hyperbolic retellings of one or many actual events.

So the prison guards talked, wondered if Logan had designs on restoring his own Name through the adoption of a new one—but Janus, for all his trust issues and ilicit dealings, was an intelligent boy with a good head on his shoulders. He wasn't one for fanciful stories—only those that he could tell in the name of manipulating others.

Perhaps that was why he felt some measure of shame or embarrassment for asking Logan this favor? There was clearly some...unidentified emotion behind the request, and Logan wasn't particularly good at coping with emotional issues. He highly suspected that, when he still had a Name, he had been essentially the same.

“...I want to be allowed to keep books in my cell.” He hadn't meant to say anything indicating agreement—but the words fell out of his mouth without any conscious permission.

Janus's head snapped up sharply. This time, he met Logan's gaze with an intensity that was decidedly threatening.

“That's all?” he asked, squinting after a long moment. “No...commentary?”

Logan shrugged. “You know I do not care for sentiment. Your obvious flirtation with it, in this situation, does not interest me so much as what I can gain from the moment of weakness on your part.”

“Are you sure you're only fourteen? You sound way too much like my grandpa sometimes.”

Logan rolled his eyes, declining to rise to the bait. Instead, he gave the matter what he felt was a comically superficial amount of consideration.

“Hart.” he finally decided.

Janus raised an eyebrow at him, mismatched eyes losing focus for a moment before he nodded to himself.

“That...works surprisingly well.” he mumbled, seemingly more to himself than anything. Refocusing on Logan, Janus straightened and once again resumed his attempts at exuding as commanding a presence as he could manage.

“You'll get your books.” Janus assured him. “I always pay my debts.”

“Past performance indicates this is an accurate assessment. Hence my request.”

“Oh...go back to bed.”

“Gladly.”

********** 1033, A.A.

“Ladies, lords, non-binary royalty, and all of my valued subjects!”

By the gods, I'm going to throw up.

Roman stood behind the curtain on the balcony, his heart in his throat. Every part of him was screaming to run, to hide, to sink into the floor and vanish through sheer force of his desire to not be there—to push Remus out to take his place when the king made his proclamation. Already, he could feel the weight of his impending responsibilities threatening to crush him, the world narrowing and the walls closing in...

He couldn't do this. He wasn't ready. He wasn't smart like Remus or as patient as his father, he wasn't commanding enough—he couldn't be king.

But he would be. One day.

Peering through the curtain, he saw his father turn...and though the pride in his face only made the terror worse, at the same time...

He could do this. He had to.

Smiling, King Thomas Sanders IV extended a hand towards him in silent encouragement. It was the same hand he offered to those subjects that knelt before him at court to have their grievances heard, the same hand he offered to both Roman and Remus as children when they felt shy or had fallen down while playing...

...or leading him back into the house when he was out to hunt a Lazari...

“I give you your future king—Prince Roman Sanders!”

A hand fell to his shoulder, squeezing hard enough to bruise.

“Give 'em hell, Ro Bro!” Remus hissed gleefully in his ear.

It was strange, but some of the weight lifted itself off of Roman's shoulders, with his brother's hand there instead as he stepped out onto the balcony and into the sunlight.

For a moment, it was...magical. The ghost of Remus's fingers pressed into his shoulder, his father's hand curling warm around his nape—the people of the Kingdoms below, smiling and cheering in a symphony that filled his lungs as readily as it filled his ears, turning his heart into pure starlight.

For a moment, basking in his father's pride, his brother's confidence, and his people's love—he didn't just feel like he could do this, he knew that he could.

For a moment—that was all he got before his heart stopped beating.

It happened suddenly, but somehow it felt as natural as breathing. The tension of that missing engine powering the body and soul, the inability to draw breath. It was the peace of sleep, the flow of one step into the next while walking down an evenly paved road—he knew something was wrong, and yet he could not escape the manner in which it felt so normal.

Standing there, dying in front of the very kingdom he was meant to serve with no rhyme or reason for it.

Let it go...it felt so right, it felt proper.

As his vision began to dim, and the hand he'd raised to wave to the crowd started to fall by his side, he felt the urge to fight sliding out of him, eyes already slipping shut...

Easy as existing. Getting dark, time to sleep.

Until he heard a sigh next to him that was chilling.

The king.

Death no longer felt so inevitable, nor did it feel right. It was wrong, but...it was inside him, twisting and warping to form words that echoed inside his head. Something was slipping into the void left behind by the absence of a heartbeat, speaking to him in the Reaper's voice...

The necromancer.

**********

Logan was only aware of it in passing—however, Logan wasn't supposed to be capable of even that, and had to take such painstaking care to make sure that no trace of his magic could be felt anywhere. He had to keep the fact that he had power hidden, had to beat back every trace of it.

So he was aware of his magic, far more than he was aware of the distant stars that were the lives of every creature within the palace and beyond.

And the feel of his power waking, straining towards death? That hit him hard, made him focus on that awareness of what was happening.

“Lo? You okay?”

Logan spun in his seat and stood, stalking up to the bars of his cell. It was little more than a voice in another house, reaching him barely through thin walls and great distances...but it was growing closer, crossing that distance, too close too close too close...

“Logan? You're scaring me.”

Patton was at his side, watching him with wide, fearful eyes.

“Someone is killing the king.” Logan breathed.

“What? How can you possibly know that?” Patton hissed.

Logan opened his mouth...and nothing came.

Until that voice, hollow and honeyed, was suddenly in his house and in his veins and in his...in his.

For the first time, Logan understood why the Necromata were so feared—why he was locked below ground, why he had no Name of his own and why it was so desperately important to make sure no necromancer could ever practice their art.

The moment he sensed that foreign power encroaching on something that belonged to Logan alone, everything was chilling instinct and cold, calculating fury. The power swept up and took over, took action to reclaim what was being stolen.

The king was dying, but so was the Green Man.

Logan's last rational thought before an eerie blue light swallowed up his eyes and the power wiped his mind clean was that, if the Green Man was close enough to the king, he might actually be able to save them both.

********** The necromancer in the dungeons. Roman could feel it, he was certain of it...it felt cold and airy, thick morning fog swirling through his marrow yet rendering his mind strangely clear. It was familiar, not all that different from the way it felt when they touched in Roman's dreams.

The necromancer was there. He was...helping Roman.

You have to get to the king.

He didn't know, even after all these years didn't realize who Roman was, and that was the way it ought to be, and yet...he was warning Roman, he was--

The wrongness of it filled his chest in the space of a blink, filled his lungs, forced breath into his body. The fight squeezed every muscle, including his heart, in a steady rhythm that started his blood moving again. Roman tried to clutch at his chest, but he couldn't.

He felt cold all over, but his body was working, warring with some outside force, struggling to stay alive.

His body was no longer his to control, he realized with a rush of fear. The necromancer...chill fog, thick and light and clear, in his head and his veins and his heart...

Roman's body was turning, his head swiveling around, obeying an order he did not give.

The necromancer was animating him now, manipulating his every move—and all Roman could do was stand there and let it happen--

Go.

...Father!

This time, when he tried to move, his body obeyed him, his will and that of the necromancer uniting as one.

He rushed forward, reaching out...

In just enough time to catch the king as he fell, a corpse gone cold by the time the both of them reached the ground. ((CW: parental death--but this IS a necromancer AU. Just keep that in mind. XD))

#cw: angst #cw: death #sanders sides #ts logan #ts roman #roman sanders #logan sanders #patton sanders #ts morality #logince #necromancer au #thomas sanders #ts fanfic #this is all the artist's fault i'm just a hapless writer that stumbled across it #my name is liz and i swear to god i will fic again #no betas we die like men

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flyingcookierambles · 4 years

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plans for 2020???

uhhuhuhuhuhuhhhh

graduate college

get a part time job and take a gap year for academia/save up money while job hunting for my first Real Adult Job?????

figure out my gender??????????????? probably switch to like they/she pronouns or something bc i realized that every time i post something on twitter/snapchat/tumblr/whatever i always refer to myself as a “a foolish child who makes bad financial decisions” or “a person who makes their wallet cry” or like “guess who just spent like $40 on a steam sale???? this kidddddddddd” like ive always just been unconsciously referring to myself in like third person or they/them/gender neutral pronouns?????? like. i dont think that in any tweet/toot/snap ive ever written i’ve called myself something like “a foolish girl” or “a girl who makes her wallet cry” or anything so like theres that. and honestly ive made/been making some posts about this gender thing for like the past year. ive asked the cool mods at feminism and media about it (ill post the screenshot later). ive changed my main tumblr about page which i dont think anyone’s ever visited since it’s listed under “hi” and like maybe i should change it to “about”? anyways ive like changed most of my stuff online to be something like “gender questioning, but she/her pronouns are fine for now” or like “gender questioning/probably nonbinary” and then just straight up changed my facebook pronouns to they/them (but im p sure my family hasnt noticed thank goodness cuz thats not a can of worms i wanna explain to a bunch of religious baby boomers rn), changed my myanimelist gender to non-bianary (again why is this a thing? a rando blue anime hellsite is not the place i expected to have this option but like im not complaining so lol), and also put “gender questioning, probably non-binary” in the write in gender option on goodreads so like. uhhh. i guess im probably non-binary????? but also im a terrible and indecisive person so like every time i say im probably non-binary my stupid brain goes back to bein like. wait is this some internalized misogyny that makes me not want to be a girl/cis girl? but also i find the dysphoria memes/jokes on the egg_irl subreddit really relatable and its just a bad cycle in which i go “oh these gender dysphoria memes on a trans subreddit are really relatable” -> “huh maybe. im not a girl???” -> brain awakened to being not a girl -> self doubt of brain might have internalized misogyny -> haha im a cis girl even tho i always refer to myself with they/them pronouns in writing -> haha wait that doesnt sound right a cis person wouldnt refer to themself with gender neutral pronouns right -> i know, ill go to a sub that i know makes gender dysphoria jokes and caused this self doubt/gender questioning in the first place with dumb jokes like “would you push a button?” and this meme but replace the “im bi” with “im ace” -> haha these gender dysphoria jokes are really relatable -> oh no (repeat this hell cycle of self doubt for 2 years and its me haha)

regarding the above example sentences of steam sales and my finances, uhhhh, i wanna play more video games this year. and actually finish them. because i think according to steamdb or whatever account rating site it is, my account’s games net worth is something ridiculous like $600. and like. ive only played like 30% of the stuff i own. so uh. i should get my moneys worth and play stuff

the above resolution does not apply to games that are technically endless with no real goal/end, such as the sims, cities skyline, prison architect, etc. this resolution applies only to games that do have an end, such as nameless, pesterquest, steins;gate, etc.

the above resolution also may have some exceptions due to technical issues or time since some games, mostly japanese visual novels like steins;gate, are not compatible with macbooks i guess maybe they’re not popular with gamers (not surprising the macbooks has terrible venting lol) and also maybe not popular in japan so japanese companies just dont think to port things to mac os??? idk what the issue is here exactly but like since im in a college dorm and not at home ill only have access to my macbook for a majority of the time.

also similar to the “finish the games” thing, i should read, or at least attempt to read, all the books i’ve brought. i have so so many ebooks. that are unread. yet i also keep buying more books. i should stop buying books and finish the ones i do have and also use the library more.

also i should probably figure out how to save money lol. im 22. but im constantly broke.

also i should uhhh probably find more diverse books lol. like i love my shitty indie fantasy books and stuff but the protag is usu a white dude so like eh. but also. sometimes when i read books w female protags im like haha cant relate. and then the gender questioning sets in once again. is it because im probably non-binary? or am i actually trans or something???????? i mean i hang out on egg_irl, a mostly mtf trans sub, but also an occasional non-binary or ftm trans post comes up which is also nice to see. idk mannnnnnn lollll

also there was this whole like haha cant relate brain reaction to my school’s vagina monologues event when i went in to listen to my nursing major friend have some monologue. like she talked about some thing about like delivering a baby and it was kinda near the end of the event bc i got there late and the ones that i did hear at the end were just like haha cant relate but also ive been told that the monologues that year were particularly terf-y, probs in response to my college turning co-ed (it was up until i think 2 years before i entered a womens college and the older students, alumni and current students that were there at the time, were apparently super pissed about it, so the school i guess doubled down on “(cis) girl power!” but also kinda excluded trans/gender queer ppl that weren’t cis girls in the process)

gender is stupid i feel like id much rather not have to deal with it/pick a label to be and move on with life lol but my brain wont let me

push this internal gender crisis out of my mind by playing a ton of video games/reading a ton of books/do school work ig hahahahahaha

#gummytruck rambles #personal #2020 resolutions???? i think #weird gender shit

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filmloathe-blog · 5 years

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( harry styles, cismale, he/him ) – wait a minute, wasn’t that 28 year old bastian york walking through the town square? i heard that they’ve been living in augusta for their whole lives and they live at 306 penrose avenue. i often see them at chase & co where they spend their time as a driver. the people closest to them say that they are sagacious & virtuous but can also be rigid & dishonest

i was supposed to have this up earlier today but i ended up going to the cinema to see detective pikachu and my company did not depart until 2 am. righteo i’m evg, a struggling twenty year old in the est, and i use she/her pronouns. i’m super excited to be here because im in love with this concept ???? and im super late so ive already seen enough of everyone being talented on the dash :’) im going to try and introduce my ( somewhat ) bitter son but he has a good heart !!!! and that’s what matters !!!! i’m a full time idiot but i’m always down to plot if anyone wants ! i’ll have a connection page listed somewhere below dklskd lmao it’ll be hella weak tho,,, gucci.

BASTIAN YORK was the first born to a loving mother, berit, and a father who, shortly after the birth of his second child, would leave to start a family elsewhere. far from augusta ; never quite able to keep in touch with his past life. to completely their lovely little family, berit would soon bring in a third child via adoption, having always wanted a trio of children, just as she had been raised. berit worked a nine to five but also brought in extra income by selling handmade jewelry and trinkets online. for the most part, they lived happily. not too rich, not too poor.

HE WAS NEVER THE STAR, but he got by. a good head and heart. still the type to tear across the lawn and declare SHOTGUN or hold his position as eldest over the head of his siblings — but he was NEVER a bad soul. he partook in extracurriculars at school ( mainly sports ) and was the type to be in good standings with most, if not all. never too loved, but never quite disliked. just enough to pass by almost unnoticed. school life wasn’t hellish but it was never as wild as it could have been.

COLLEGE. HE STARTS FIGURING IT OUT. trial and error. experimenting. the best days of your life --- a time to make mistakes. still typical, but he was broadening his horizons. his initial studies were in early childhood education. the goal was a master’s degree and to finally finish with a teaching license. a lengthy process but it would pay off in the end. in order to ease some of the financial strain, he drove for uber part-time ( and eventually a limousine service once he’d had some years experience under his belt ). unknowingly preparing himself tor the rest of his life.

24 YEARS OLD. he’s only a year into his master’s when death comes knocking. berit’s time is up. it takes everyone by surprise. the doctors said it was a brain aneurysm. money doesn’t buy happiness but in this case, it bought time. life support, a couple days at best, the york’s don’t have money to burn. just enough time to say their goodbyes. he made the final decision, signed the paperwork, sealed her fate. the blame is always in the back of his mind. a constant worry that his siblings will see him as the one who ended their mother’s life and not some twisted act of fate.

DREAMS DON’T PAY THE ELECTRICITY BILL. they were never going to be able to keep living as they had. belongings get sold off, their childhood home is put on the market. however, determined to stay in augusta, he moves down to the southshore. his dreams of a masters and teaching are gone in the blink of an eye. he doesn’t have the experience in the field nor has he gotten his license to teach. he’d once thought he had all the time in the world but now he was watching it slip between his fingers.

LITTLE WHITE LIES. bastian still needs to move up in the world. it isn’t until he’s 27 that he tries to worm his way into chase & co. drivers are supposed to be experienced, the older the better. his youth sets him back, he’s not about to let his residence do the same. in addition to some embellishment, he includes the address of a home much better off than his own. it isn’t a total lie, he had once lived in the nicer part of town. but the company was big, important. they might not trust someone slumming it in the dangerous parts.

HE HATES EVERY MINUTE. the flaunting of wealth, individuals without a clue. who will never want or worry for anything. he does a good job of remaining hush, lets secrets pass in the back of the car in disinterest. it puts food on the table and ensures his family is taken care of at the end of the day. it’s a bitter pill but he’ll swallow it. in just a few short years, he’s aged, reality weighs heavy on his mind. he’s not the same as when he started.

MODESTY IS KEY. he’s gotten good at keeping a low-profile. fitting suits that cover all traces of ink on his flesh. jewelry kept back home in dresser drawers, rarely touched. a boring persona. like two separate individuals entirely ; one reserved for work and one for play. the cameras scare him, not in the literal sense, but he sees destruction in the lenses. the worst of them coming out for a show. he wants himself and his family kept out of the limelight, or at the very least remain the boring extra in the back. he’s always been good at keeping his head down, now he had to execute it perfectly.

TO SUM IT UP. he’s not a bad individual. just extremely stressed and worried about his family’s future. he keeps his life pretty private and will tell a little lie where he has to in order to move ahead. he’d never lie to put someone in harm’s way or sabotage anyone - he just wants to stay afloat. he probably doesn’t bring a lot of people around to his house, since he likely stays very hush about his living situation given that he lied on his resume about it. he really hates the idea of the reality show but isn’t very vocal about his feelings, just cautious. he wants to stick to his morals and not sell out or take hand me downs. which is also a bit of a pride thing but sue me. overall, he’s matured a lot and takes on too much responsibility which he should probably be sharing but that’s a lesson he’ll learn the hard way. help? it isn’t in his vocabulary. we’re shutting everybody out.

CONNECTION / PLOTTING PAGE ( and i’ll be adding a WC for his siblings when i stop being lazy (’: and if you made it through all this !!! thank you !!! ily )

#little white lies was not supposed to be a one direction pun #dont @ me #subhqintro #death tw #now if youll excuse me #its 6 am and im going to yeet myself into bed #i will answer my messages regarding plotting when i wake up im just so tired

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jhk75-blog1 · 5 years

Text

Un...

This is my story. I was a 4 yr old boy who was abandoned by his parents in the city of Busan South Korea in the middle of the 70’s. I never could really understand the beginning of my life, is was just a big blur. Like I came from a Big Bang or something of that sort...and The next thing I came remember is coming off a plane going down a long lite up corridor not knowing what is happening or what is going to happen. All I see are all these strangers looking at me like I was the next door prize on the price is right. Strange how I remembered how I was feeling going throug this crazy situation. I have no idea what or who or where I was going. I remember getting handed this panda bear and shoving it back into my soon to be sisters stomach. I knocked the wind out of her, not on purpose but just from being scared and a lone and maybe reflexive or combination of everything happening at the moment. I also didn’t speak any English when I arrived here in the states. Severely malnourished grew 12 inched in the first year I was here. Both my sister and brother were adopted from SK and were infants when there were adopted. They always were closer to my adopted parents. Favorites. I was adopted by a typical white family trying to keep there hopeless failed marriage alive. Weird i think now about it being a parent now by getting or having another child is going to help the relationship in some weird fucked up way. It would just bring more stress and complications to the marriage and it did. obviously. D and J were the typical parents in the 80s after there divorced was finalized was not a good one. My adoptive mom was a 3rd grade elementary school teacher. My adoptive father was a pipe filled dreams of making money fast and easy. No respect for this person at all. There whole divorce was fighting and bickering about money and custody and bullshit all around. I seemed to get lost in the shuffle of there lives and the divorce. I was going through severe mental health issuses. now they diagnosed it as Complex ptsd. I was also tested for ADHD and i tested positive at the age of 6 or 7. It seemed like my whole adolescences was trying to get approval from ppl who never really cared about me from the begining. I was raised by some very depressed and mentally ill ppl. I realize that know being more self aware and where my pain and suffering came from. My relationship with my brother and sister was contentious at times. Being raised by narraccist and mentally ill ppl will do that. I do have a lot of respect for my adoptive mom. Single mom of three kids, disabled herself with cerbal palsy. But overall .It didn’t make her a very compassionate person or self aware person at all. Weird. but with her hard non emotional upbringing my mom tried her best to keep us in sports and activities to maybe shield us from all the crap going on with the divorce. It helped and maybe just for a little while to fit in somewhere. I never really like i fit in any where by the way i looked, what i felt , i never was validated as a child or as teenager. I never ever fit in with my adoptive family til this day.

On a weekday I came down with a high fever about 103 and I had a grand maul seizure i was age 8 at the time. The doctors had found a tumor on the right side of my brain. They thought that the tape worms I had coming from South Korea had laid eggs and traveled into my brain. So they did open brain surgery. The last thing i remember going into that surgery was my yelling at me not knowing how to pronouce a letter. Sad as hell. That would be that last thing i would be doing before my kids had any surgery. Thats why i told you my adoptive mom wasn’t very emotional supportive. After the surgery, I just remember being not being able to control my emotions very well. Highs lows.. I also had attempted to commit suicide at the age 10 and it seemed like my family didn’t really care if i was there or not. Always knowing and feeling that i didn’t fit in anywhere in life. My life never really seemed to have purpose until i had my kids and even then it helped but not really. I was never really loved my whole life. Two families in my life didn’t want me. Why would anybody else? I had some severe mental health issues and disabilities i didn’t even yet understand. It seemed liked i was going to be the next suicide case. But i never could do it. I think that the thing that made me never follow through with it is because I wanted Love. to be loved and to give love. I grew up being the black sheep in my family. Funny i was the one disabled and told be just like my brother in sister and get A’s in school and go on to a 4yr college. My mom would tell me as a child that i wasn’t smart enough to go to school so i should just be a school bus driver. Being told I was dumb and lazy and kicked down every chance they got. I have never was a favorite in my family. I told myself that when i became a dad that I would do the opposite of how my parents raised me. I would show them love and affection and be a better than my parents were to me. I struggled my whole life with mental health issues and disabilities that were never validated by my family or given any considerations. I was physically and emotionally abused as a child and that why Ive had 3 marriages all ending in divorce and 2 kids who i would die for. The reasons I’m writing this is because for self healing and growth and to maybe help or connect with ppl who also struggle and face similar challenges and obstacles. Ive been looking for love and found someone who accepts me for who i am and what i am. She has taught me how to love and give love. I wouldn’t be here today with out her and hopefully some day we will love ourselves as much as we love each other.

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rivalmelty · 2 years

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for the meta asks (there's a lot b/c i am Nosy): 2, 18, 20, 23, and 25

it has been so long agsjdhjdjd this the meta ask

under the cut because i will not shut up ahsjdjdk

2. Tell us about what you’re most looking forward to writing – in your current project, or a future project

theres a couple of arcs in gsg that ive been wanting to write for ages so much whump so much angst some good good character building yknow my favorite stuff to write but aside from my main project im really looking forward to developing how i like to write certain characters hhhhh rn im like really focusing on hyrule and ive already posted one lil thing exploring that but theres so many facets to character design in a writing sense and i want to play some more with that

18. Do any of your stories have alternative versions? (plotlines that you abandoned, AUs of your own work, different characterisations?) Tell us about them.

hell yeah asjdhgkajh i abandon many plotlines in favor of something that flows a bit something or that shortens my writing load its a piece of advice i got while dancing that i tend to follow for a lot of creative endeavors but writing specifically and its find three options and pick the fourth because your mind is going to naturally pick the first three as the most logical answers but the fourth one tends to spice things up and make things exciting unfortunately a lot of these scraped plotlines are like entirely scraped so there’s very little evidence that they’ve ever existed but just know that things change in my writing a lot even if i don’t always write down what goes on in my little worm brain

20. Tell us the meta about your writing that you really want to ramble to people about (symbolism you’ve included, character or relationship development that you love, hidden references, callbacks or clues for future scenes?)

DUDE TWILIGHT AND TWILIGHT PRINCESS LINK IN GENERAL hhhhhhh i’ve defo exhausted all my thoughts to you in the discord dms but i shall share some of my thoughts here ajshdgjah imo tp link is the second most tragic link based off my own person hcs and postgame lore that i’ve built for myself he defo will never beat out the hero of time for the most tragic because i will sob thinking about the hero of time but i digress

the way i write tp link and twilight in general gives the vaguest references to those personal hcs i think by default the hero’s spirit is youthful and just because tp link is older doesn’t mean that still isn’t true i personally believe he started his adventure 16 almost 17 years old and it all takes place over about a year so by the time his adventure is over he’s barely if not 18 he’s gone through this life changing event and he’s changed as a person with nothing really as evidence for that sure the twilight is gone but that’s really it so when i write him in any capacity i try to keep that sort of anguish at least in the background but idk if that’s really apparent in my writing agsjshsj

23. What’s the story idea you’ve had in your head for the longest?

hmmmmm honestly idk agajsjsk the oldest wip in my google docs is a pokémon swsh royalty au tho so take with that what you will

25. What part of writing is the most fun?

DIALOGUE!!!!! god i love writing dialogue so bad 😭 it’s so fun having characters talk with each other hhhhhh

#bruh i swear none of this made any sense ahsjdjdkdk #orionsaysthings #tarteggs #ask game

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kosmicdream · 6 years

Note

hey!!! i just read to the most recent update of ffak (my favorite webcomic ive ever read tbh) and i kinda wanna try making my own. did you have the whole story planned out before you started or is it an ongoing thing? also how did you make the website for it? thank you for making such a cool comic!

Thank you so much!! And let me try to figure out a way to answer this properly. My process is a bit complicated to explain because it is very organic. Its almost like I am never done writing it, because I am always letting it grow/stretch and explore as I think about ffak every day, and every night before sleeping I’ll try to brainstorm things I havent thought of. So spending that much mental energy on something, you never really get ‘done’ with writing a story. Even when i eventually finish ffak, im sure i will be still working on it (or things I would have wanted to do.)

However!! Before i started working on ffak, when it was just called HELP! i established many things narratively that I stuck to and have not changed about the story. So I think the process of this comic, in a simple way, could have been broken down like this in.. stages?

1) I laid down the basic framework of the world, such as the functions of king worms specifically, the aiguille family, helpers, several characters (some havent even appeared in the comic yet!), king leadman, as well as antony/rome’s narrative arc/dynamic. that way their character arc was already figured out before the comic started and I knew it would be the central ‘root’ of the story. I knew how i wanted Rome to be introduced, and how he would meet canary, not knowing the connection between canary and his brother. I had a rough idea, even from here, how their character arc would come to a point (and basically what sorts of things the story would likely eventually close on) I also knew the general setting was on moons and how the humans got there, and how advanced society was, and what the red lights “really" were and what they meant..i figured out what ‘vein’ was here.. ect.. many worldbuilding things!!!It might sound intimidating, but this process happened very quickly. I basically figured this out in the.. day? before i started working. I have had a lot of experience with roleplaying so i think that helps with me making quick decisions. I knew i had enough to work with that I didn’t feel intimidated to start actually drawing it out-- especially because i had the rome/antony thing already set down. 2) Then when I actually started to work, things started to develop very quickly. I knew basically all i needed to for Hekatons before i got to introduce knife (their origins, history, involvement in present day politics) and before ch6 i also wrote all of the “supporting cast” (at the time) which included dylan, fork/spoon/knife, paper/scissor/rock. So i ws able to write Thumb and Heel, and set up the overall dynamic of what the world was like in the present day. (also Spoon/Scissor’s connection.) Cash was actually written in the first batch of characters oops, but her design really became more detailed during this stage because of scissor. 3) then things got more complicated as i dug deeper into the past, and wanted to include crimson. So!! I fleshed out the origin and true history of this world. basically as soon as crimson appeared I had everything in place and felt comfortable enough to include crimson, who borrowed many things narratively from a character i roleplayed for years. Anyway, i figured out all of the deep past of the world and decided to draw it out since it was so interesting in ch 9/10. I think this was around in the 2nd chapter when i figured this out, but my memory is fuzzy. I know by the time i did the flash forward scene in ch2 i had decided many things and so all i had to do was get to them in the comic to cement it in. 4) I forget when exactly (maybe around in chapter 5 or 6) , but i decided to bring in a very old story i wrote in 2009 for good leadman’s origin story-- as i thought it would be cool to make good leadman the protagonist for this old comic i wanted to do, and that helped make the background for heel and thumb more “believable” to me because they were already symbolizing this old story i had written the entire thing of. Oh that’s something else to mention, because that world was part of a collection of stories- i was able to develop DMTIA that way because i already had this cast and just decided to merge the stories into the FFAK setting. I think when i did this, it pretty much was the final big thing to make me understand everything i needed to know about this world. All the story arcs felt pretty realized and I could see how the ending could go at this point.

I guess to summarize, is that i let things grow but also had things planned from the start and once i commit to an idea, it doesnt change. Even if it might appear somewhat frustrating to work with, i like to use them to make my next decision. sometimes that means i dont get to do all i want to do, but i still have a lot of flexibility in this setting like i wanted to have from the beginning.

Even now when i feel like pretty confident that I’ve explored every nook and cranny, I’ll decide to revisit a older storyline or facet of the world and strengthen or build on that. That’s why i ended up with so many fucking side characters because I’ll brainstorm for them for a day or two and suddenly have a lot of material i know wont even “technically” go into the story even though its there. (like, Spot for example was not meant to be so interesting, but i wrote a huge fucking story for him that obviously wont get really any attention.)

So.. its ongoing and it is also not ongoing and hasnt been for quite a long time now? (after two years of constant work it felt.. really complete and done in a lot of ways. we are now currently on year three, moving to year four!) I think the best thing to do is to keep in mind what kinds of methods for writing make you feel comfortable and is your natural brain-pace. I like working with an aspect of fluidity and room for growth and flexibility because i don’t like being boxed in or “outgrowing” my project too fast. So keeping that in mind, i designed ffak to be a comic where it could grow with me and change. that’s pretty much why i decided worms would be a great subject and theme to work with because they are characters that naturally, evolve and change based on what they eat and absorb. plus the themes in ffak just are so fun to work with i will never be bored of it. structuring a project with these things in mind for when i run into walls or feel unmotivated have kept me engaged. I think that is part of why i cannot let it go because I still feel really excited to write and contribute ideas to it.

However, Chapter 12 really feels like I’m settling back down to my original plans and taking my time and patience to communicating all the structured planning ive put into it. I’m not letting it grow the same way anymore because it doesnt need to. I feel comfortable with understanding its voice/style and pacing and im no longer recovering from the uhh.. shock of it existing? I promise that once you actually start making a comic, its a wholly different experience than just it being in your head. and it will sound, look, and feel different than what you thought it would be-- that in itself has influenced a lot of change in ffak because honestly at first i was not expecting to draw it so explicit. that was difficult to get used to but im happy to have embraced that aspect of my work.

So HMM.. I made a strong spine or foundational backbone in the beginning before i started, then fleshed it out as i was in the process of making it, and i always continue to leave room for it to grow. just not grow in EVERY aspect anymore. i also dont chop down branches, but i try to hone in on specific things to make them more clear. i think chopping stuff down and removing things is generally not the best to do because its easier to build up and work with what you have than make big retcons after youve already started or established. also the challenge of working with limitations makes you feel that needed bit of pressure to really commit to your work in the moment of making it and i feel like its helped make me more serious and confident about what i write about. I never feel lost on what to do because if I cover and figure out something, that’s how it is. I make it work regardless!

everything is done with careful consciousness to the overall balance and product of the story, while also not suffocating it in a box of limitations of what it could be. i treat it like a living thing in my mind and heart and that means i work to have thoughtful conversations with it and myself about what its needs are, what my needs are, what i want to do with it and what it wants to be.. ect. its almost a spiritual thing really. i feel like its important to always reflect and engage with your art and art process to feel a stronger connection and purpose behind what you are deciding to do and what it means to you. i am probably repeating myself a little here but!!!!!! its worth saying!!!!!!!!!

I also really think it adds to the interesting and fun “layers” to the story, as there has been different stages to its development and it brings in different feelings with each layer. But then the older or more ‘’foundational’’ ones pop in and they seem to give off a different atmosphere (antony and rome) vrs some of the newer additions (like jacket) who are more for shallow, fun decoration or an interesting potential to explore in the future. Like, Jacket is not a character that has a lot of foundational plot connected to him, but he’s an interesting development in terms of the potential of a worm and symbolizes that early-ffak-mindset of growth and experimentation. so i think it makes him a really unique and fun character because he embodies a lot of new and old aspects of ffak’s narrative and my journey with working on the comic.

I could go on and on, but I hope this sort of gives some insight to my process and how I write/work. because in a lot of ways, it isn’t linear. just like how my comic is! sometimes this makes ffak very disorienting for people to read, but if you keep in mind that ffak is very organic and personally tailored to my mannerisms and with that in mind, it makes a lot more sense why it is how it is and the patterns in it become much more apparent. Anyway! thank you for reading and good luck working on your own stories! it can be challenging but i think it is absolutely worth the effort.

Also i did not make the website, my good friend Tegan did. :3 i do not know anything about websites.

#ffak faq #ffak #feast for a king #unholyopossum

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chimcharstar · 4 years

Note

ANSWER 1 THROUGH 65 HO

65 Questions You Aren't Used To

WPOOOOO LETS GO

Y E E T

1. Do you ever doubt the existence of others than you?

nnnnooooooo. its called holding onto my last marble.

2. On a scale of 1-5, how afraid of the dark are you?

1. sometimes i can freak myself out going to the bathroom at night but bro. i take walks at like 11pm or whenever the hell i please. and i LIKE IT.

3. The person you would never want to meet?

i would not care to meet dick face

4. What is your favorite word?

worm

5. If you were a type of tree, what would you be?

well darn i dont really knowwww!!!!!!! the big jungle one from minecraft. but i love weeping willows of course.

6. When you looked in the mirror this morning what was the first thing you thought?

i didnt think

7. What shirt are you wearing?

my pyjama shirt from new vegas. las vegas. oh my god. not that i went there. my friend did. ive been wearing it for 3 days now. because its fine.

8. What do you label yourself as?

androgynouOOUUSSSSSSS i heard it described the most accurately for me as “in between blue and pink, purple is a blend while not being either of them.” yes this SPECIFICALLY. i could never be feminine while female presenting, but now that im usually read as masculine i go around seeming gay as fuck. and even though this sounds like heresy considering how i instinctively want to throat punch people who feminize me, i have comfortably considered myself a woman lately ONLYYYYYYYY BY being as butch as a butch can possibly butch. maybe without the cars. i would NEVER go by she/her NEVER NEVER NEVER. like there literally are butch women who go on T and use he/him pronouns. that brings me euphoria too and i find people reallllyyyyyy get mind-bent at this point. i really also get irritated at the idea that identifying with both lessens one or the other... thats why i like the purple thing so much. like im 100% of the thing. i was watching on queer eye, once, there was this part where all these women met up and one of them who was really masculine was saying how “a woman can look like this too” and i was like “i am probably crying for an important reason right now” and sometimes i feel attraction to women that is nOT of the ManTM just... i can do what i want.

but my point is it’s like im only happy if i have a blend. theres even a particular quality of it i can put my finger on, like a rugged, handsome feel... and then a flamboyant, passionate feel... mix em all up...

9. Bright room or dark room?

BRIGHTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

GUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

10. What were you doing at midnight last night?

transition juice, or fucking around with cs paint with some gentle existential dread

11. Favorite age you’ve been so far?

this one, because my life is not hell, and i know a few basics about adulting now

12. Who told you they loved you last?

the sister. i said it for damage control because she had blown a fuse the other day. i was being very fake on purpose because i’m not being vulnerable with someone who will blow up. when she says it all i feel is pain. like cold paralyzing needles in my soul. i cant say i love you to her and mean it, even if i want to. honestly i wish people would say this to me. the most i love yous i remember are from family members putting band aids on the wreckage of our relationships, so i can feel a little twang of guilt and longing for what could have been and should have been. and feel like i should be doing something more. and feeling awkward because you both know they fucked up and it’s the elephant in the room. and i can feel their confusion and sickness causing them pain, feeling that pain for them.

13. Your worst enemy?

hmmm. anyone who made me feel like less than i am. anyone

14. What is your current desktop picture?

cherry blossoms and a city at night that i stole off the internet

15. Do you like someone?

like like crushes right? i fucking wish. i am so god damn sick of myself. i dont feel fuck or shit for anyone. its a fucking wasteland. yes im on T so i want to fuck anything that moves. and yet? can i please have some feelings? please may i have some feelings? not aesthetic appreciation. not moral, personality appreciation. or even just a deep respect and compassion. these are all fine things of course. but cant someone just drive me crazy? cant i have that extra spice of life? cant i just have a little bit of happy crazy? i will know a perfectly lovely person and ill WANT to have feelings for them. but i FUCKEN DONT. I DONT!!!! SHIT!!!!! WHAT IS THE MEANIGN?!?!??!??!?!1 i have fucking YET to meet anyone im more obsessed with than some really gay ocs. come on universe!!!! bring it!!! poor oscar. poor fucking oscar. whatever wavelength im vibing on man you are not on it. i wish you were on it. i wish you were on it oscar. you are hot you are hot with your bike oscar. and the rose quartz i gave you. the rose quartz you wanted. but i feel no authentic electric connection to you. i feel like all i just see is how your brain works with a coolheaded certainty. all i do is analyze what you are wearing so i can be as hot as you. maybe id like to draw you. and girls from work. you are so beautiful and amazing. i see you in bikinis on instagram. and im like oh beauty standards. look at you go, adhering to them. my heart rate goes right along at the same old pace. dont tell me this is principles. does someone have to smell bad? like edward cullen?? CAN SOMEBODY PLEASE JUST SEDUCE ME?!!!?? ID LOVE SOME EXTRA WILL TO LIVE! THEN MY STORIES WILL BE BETTER!!!! see this is the whole problem

16. The last song you listened to?

what am i to you by finn the human or actually that asgore fight song that i do not know the context of and dont want to until i play the game for myself

17. You can press a button that will make any one person explode. Who would you blow up?

i would save this button for a karen.

18. Who would you really like to just punch in the face?

jk rowling. every time i see her face in a news article about why her bland new transphobia anvil book is pretty bland without addressing the raging transphobia in it and around it, i take a minute and contemplate shoving a pie in her face, and agonizing that i cannot do it from this distance.

19. If anyone could be your slave for a day, who would it be and what would they have to do?

a... slave? is this a kink thing? im fucking laughing this is going to be so honest. probably a toxic person from my past i have unresolved sexual tension with, especially since i was in my abused kid shell and was a huge doormat so now im all vengeful with issues. since this is totally something i am open to considering right now i would like to browse this concept’s menu

20. What is your best physical attribute? (showing said attribute is optional)

yknow what? yknow what? i am just going to say all of me. i am feeling very body positive right now. i often feel isolated as fuck because of trans stuff and male body standards, but thats Also What Makes Me Special :) i like me, i like my face, i think i am very cool and unique, and i can walk fast.

21. If you were the opposite sex for one day, what would you look like and what would you do?

GOD DAMN IT THIS FUCKING QUESTION AGAIN

22. Do you have a secret talent? If yes, what is it?

yes. but it’s a secret.

23. What is one unique thing you’re afraid of?

deep sea creatures. idk. even if its small and not even ugly. i just lose my fucking mind. i jump out of my chair. i get the heebies and the jeebies.

24. You can only have one kind of sandwich. Every sandwich ingredient known to humankind is at your disposal.

okay. chicken. cheese. something spicy so it wont be boring. a fuck ton of veggies so i can be healthy. and some olives, fuck olive haters.

25. You just found $100! How are you going to spend it?

IM GOING TO GIVE IT TO MY LANDLORD <3

26. You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere in the world, but you have to leave immediately. Where are you going to go?

mexico city to see what all my friends are talking about.

27. An angel appears out of Heaven and offers you a lifetime supply of the alcoholic beverage of your choice. “Be brand-specific” it says. Man! What are you gonna say about that? Even if you don’t drink booze there’s something you can figure out… so what’s it gonna be?

............................................................................

w h y

okay. i would go around tasting a bunch of fucking. really fancy old wines. listen i dont really drink okay. but with a very fancy old wine i can go around with a like, glass and look really sophisticated and tell gay things to gay people. hello boys. so id find one that strategically i would like the most for the rest of my life and choose it. and if its expensive i can sell it.

28. You discover a beautiful island upon which you may build your own society. You make the rules. What is the first rule you put into place?

i would stick a bell in the middle of it and all of us have to go there at six o’clock and throw bread at each other and fuck.

29. What is your favorite expletive?

cunt. i dont really use it ever, but boy it can pack a punch!

30. Your house is on fire, holy shit! You have just enough time to run in there and grab ONE inanimate object. Don’t worry, your loved ones and pets have already made it out safely. So what’s the one thing you’re going to save from that blazing inferno?

that means my trees because theyre living things? good. my phone. i need it to function. everything else i have on the clouds and i can just write on a napkin if i really need.

31. You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?

i wanna say nothing because the good and the bad made me who i am and all that. and they’re learning experiences and healthy stuff. but some of my sisters abuse that has destroyed my psyche, literally just ruined my life, it would make things easier if that hadnt happened.

32. You got kicked out of the country for being a time-traveling heathen who sleeps with celebrities and has super-powers. But check out this cool shit… you can move to anywhere else in the world!

WHAT I WANNA KNOW MORE ABOUT THIS LIFE STOP TELL ME HOW I GET THERE

Okay i’m moving to... greece and i’m going to study ancient greek everything and live right on the edge of the sea where the water’s lapping the doorsteps. and im gonna learn greek by immersion

33. The Celestial Gates Of Beyond have opened, much to your surprise because you didn’t think such a thing existed. Death appears. As it turns out, Death is actually a pretty cool entity, and happens to be in a fantastic mood. Death offers to return the friend/family-member/person/etc. of your choice to the living world. Who will you bring back?

i am not surprised whatsoever death is a cool entity.

probably someone who died really sadly and too soon in my life (no one close to me thank god) but just as a service to society

34. What was your last dream about?

wolves with bombs were chasing me around a giant university. it was all part of the game. i was trying to protect some people... soldiers were chasing me... i was hiding under the floor... hiding from authorities and war are VERY common dreams for me

35. Are you a good….[insert anything you’d like here]?

Writer? Yes. am i saying that to sound full of myself? no. i am fighting very hard to maintain some self-confidence. i have done some writing recently and i am proud as fuck of myself. i caught myself thinking, “now that was banging, i know that was banging.” and so i just admitted it to myself.

36. Have you ever been admitted to the hospital?

nooooot reeeaaaalllyyyyyy. i went in an ambulance for my face swelling up! still dont know if i needed to. still think i was allergic to the person i was talking to at the time. seriously when i stopped talking to them the hives went away. they literally gave me hives sdjfnskjndsjknfkjsfnjskdnfdsjknfjknf

37. Have you ever built a snowman?

yes

38. What is the color of your socks?

they have inuyashas on them

39. What type of music do you like?

dark, longing, aching, angry, raw, disappointed, serious, low songs that get intense as fuck.

40. Do you prefer sunrises or sunsets?

sunrises for the concept, sunsets for the looks

41. What is your favorite milkshake flavor?

you know what? i dont really like milkshakes. they dont feel good in my tummy even if it’s not my stomach having a fucking meltdown.

42. What football team do you support? (I will answer in terms of American football as well as soccer)

the fuck is football

43. Do you have any scars?

yes, most of them are from dermatillomania, two big cool-looking ones on my hands from touching a cookie sheet without an oven mitt and pouring microwaved coffee all over my thumb because literally every inch of the counter had a foot of dishes on it and i didn’t simply heat up the water normally because everything was dirty

44. What do you want to be when you graduate?

i want to be a psychologist and an author

45. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

id like a dong please

46. Are you reliable?

yeeeeeesssssss...... but the adhd wins sometimes

47. If you could ask your future self one question, what would it be?

future self: even if you’re in a worse off place than where i am right now, don’t regret anything, don’t beat yourself up. sometimes it’s realistic to have hope. you don’t have to be hard on yourself all the time just because it’s familiar and natural to you. so stop thinking “if i see a note from my past self ill be filled with rueful self awareness”

48. Do you hold grudges?

yes. i feel like im saving my soul a little and taking some power back when i am able to say “that hurt, that was wrong, and you don’t get access to me anymore, i don’t have to forgive you” it’s admitting that my own pain is real so i can listen to and protect myself. i wish i was more of a forgiving person but i spent too much time trying to forgive unorganically for the sake of being moral that i just can’t, can’t can’t now. it hurts so existentially and i deserve better. time for me to be mean and hold grudges. a little mean is okay.

49. If you could breed two animals together to defy the laws of nature, what new animal would you create?

a DOG CAT????????

50. What is the most unusual conversation you’ve ever had?

“doesn’t having a human-shaped robot with smoke coming out of it in the corner of your shop scare you late at night?”

“yes, sometimes i see it and jump a little”

51. Are you a good liar?

yes, when i’m dedicated. getting my birth certificate back? oscar worthy

52. How long could you go without talking?

i live like this lmao

53. What has been you worst haircut/style?

once upon a time i had bangs. and a bob cut

54. Have you ever baked your own cake?

yes bitch

55. Can you do any accents other than your own?

yes bitch i can do a convincing british accent but i don’t want to broadcast that fact because being british is cringe and plus my name is gordon and im already trans and interested in cooking and my greatest fear is that people think i am trying to become him when i am deeply offended when people assume i make personal decisions for anyone other than myself. no one has ever actually voiced this theory to me but it haunts me late at night. i can honestly probably do any accent if i listen to it for a little bit. i find it very easy to imitate sounds and like individual speaking styles to the point of stealing them even when i dont want to. like actually this is something that just comes to me easily i think.

56. What do you like on your toast?

fuck toast. i make a grill cheese. cheese and garlic.

57. What is the last thing you drew a picture of?

i tried digitally painting a generic girl who ended up looking really simliar to someone i went to school with only i made the eyes way too small and i would show you except it’s too much work

58. What would be you dream car?

vw bug with giant monster wheels, black with flames, big booming stereo. eyelashes in a drag way. ill run pickup trucks off the road

59. Do you sing in the shower? Or do anything unusual in the shower? Explain.

i sang in the shower back when i felt free to annoy everyone in the house. oH WAIT IT DOESNT ANNOY PEOPLE WHO ARE KIND TO ME

...........

they taught me i was annoying. ANYWAY. i am too shy to sing in the shower but id love to. i dont really do anything unusual except that i take really long in there but yknow im not actually doing what people think im doing when i take long. im literally just sitting there decomposing, head empty.

60. Do you believe in aliens?

yes, of course, i have been telling everyone theres water under mars since day one and now look. now look

61. Do you often read your horoscope?

yes. im a sagittarius and clearly it is needed because CLEARLY theres no other fucking sagittariuses

62. What is your favorite letter of the alphabet?

G, because my name starts with that and i’m just great. really, i like... it has a chonk to it. like a reliable chonk to it

63. Which is cooler: dinosaurs or dragons?

YKNOW WHAT? im going with dragons because of the fantasy, fire breathing and so on but yknow for my wip i was going to have both dragons and dinosaurs at a reptile like shelter

64. What do you think about babies?

i think they should be loved and nurtured, but they are too much work for me to want for myself at this point of life, and you should definitely read some manuals before having one if you can because people can and do mess this the fuck up

65. Freebie! Ask anything interesting you can think of.

you didn’t ask anything here so im just going to tell you something. i am going to tell you that i have always been so hell bent on writing even when i hate it because sometimes when things are going well i feel like i am just so in another world and i feel like im doing something im really really supposed to do. it is such a euphoria and it has an effect on my whole aura. i really wish i had never made myself stop but we can’t change the past so i shall just have to never stop again.

THANKS HOOOOO

#chatty #notthecanadianaverage #bug

0 notes

wormsongs · 7 years

Text

some uhh personal thoughts related to marvel stuff... its uh... long

as much as i love the expansion of gamora and nebula’s relationship, how nice it is to see sister relationships explored in hollywood media. i think ill always relate more to mcu thor and lokis relationship. while gamora and nebula represent siblings in an openly abusive household pushed to the extreme and scifi, something i cant directly relate to, the boys represent more a relationship strained by expectations, envy, and ignorance; something i WAY more relate to

my half brother is 10 years older than me. when i was a kid i idolized him, as most kids do with their older siblings. he wasnt a perfect student, hell, he wasnt even a GOOD student he was pretty angry and rebellious during high school. but i was a kid i didnt care i loved him, like really loved him (before i knew what marriage was actually i thought it just meant spending forever with someone and i wanted to “marry” him so you can imagine how healthy this relationship was). he spent time with me sometimes, yeah, we played video games and stuff but i got in the way alot. then he graduated and left me. he moved out of state, to where his mom lived. and i grew up, moved on, didn’t see or even talk to him for probably 5 years. I was maybe 9 when he left. I was always told “you cant be as bad as drew was” or “you’ve got to be better than he was.” this was a brother i idolized for my whole life, and i was being told of his flaws without him there, being compared to him constantly by my parents (mostly my mom which is a whole other can of worms). and even though he wasn’t the perfect brother, you can imagine the kind of pressure that puts on a kid.

then his mom died of cancer and he moved back to austin. we hadn’t talked for 4 or 5 years, and last time we did i was a kid. the first memory i have of him where i wasnt a straight up kid was him taking me and my dad to watch Avengers in theaters. (wow what a coincidence that i just put together on the spot). but even then his life was a wreck and i was still a kid. we didnt talk. what had been idolization became distance and pressure on me.

i was the perfect kid, never snuck out, always got good grades, didnt do a weed or drink, never went to parties. I had to be, bc i “couldn’t be as bad as drew.” So i was sure not to be. But i had maybe 3 friends. this was early highschool, 2013 about and i still barely talked to my brother. I think the first time we hung out in probably months was seeing thor 2 (huh how bout that. I was in the Loki phase by then.) but I was still the perfect student and a good swimmer, if a bit weird and obsessed. i still had a chance to be “better than drew.”

then junior year of highschool rolled around. and thats when i started to fall apart. good ol Depression kicked in, wasnt too bad yet, but my grades started to slip. But all that mattered was “i wasn’t as bad as drew.” I couldn’t be so i didnt talk to anybody about it, let alone my parents. I couldn’t, i had to be better. so i swam and a went to school and i obsessed over marvel bc it was what i had. I shamed myself out of liking loki (NOT what i should have done turns out that only made things worse)

Senior year was the worst. figured out i wasnt straight. Depression was bad, cutting, suicidal thoughts, the whole 9 yards. It was rough, but i still went to school and i still swam, i still saw marvel movies, my life went on bc “i couldn’t be as bad as drew.” my cuts got found out and the counselor called me in. I lied, said it was my cat. a good excuse because i do have scars from my cat. i lied, and my parents believed me. still believe me to this day. still dont know that i used to cut. i lied, i kept lying every time someone asked me about the scratches on my leg. but my parents knew i “wasn’t as bad as drew.”

only difference was that i was talking to my brother again, barely, but talking. mostly through work out class that he taught. it was weird, he never knew how i felt, doesnt know still. but it was something. he was older and better than me now, his life was back on track, he just got a girlfriend, he had a job. I was a depressed, suicidal, cutting, queer highschooler who picked a college only passivly and let others do most of the decision making (which suited my mom fine), i didnt care, i was so tired. I was “worse than drew” even if no one ever knew it. I knew it.

things got better after highschool, i stopped cutting, got my first tattoo over my scars, i tried to pull myself out a depressive spiral, i prepared for college. I was “Stable”, i talked to my brother sometimes. turns out the college i basically let my mom pick for me was a good fit. life was hard but it had been harder. and away from my parents i didnt have to be “better than drew” even if the memory remains.

only problem was, i had never paid any attention to my jealousy and anger. i never addressed that i had any towards my brother. only now, years and years later, after a summer where i finally hung out with him almost twice a week, am i finally letting myself get mad at my brother. im letting him annoy me if we hang out too long. im letting myself feel jipped if he says were gonna do something and then backs out. im acknowledging his flaws and my own. i still struggle with the “worse than drew” mentality bc he is better than me now, and what i want to do is not a profiting business. but its better.

and well, tldr:

ive got an older half brother who i idolized. who my parents compared me to constantly. who, by some weird coincidence, has a deep connection w mjolnir in my head (via his tattoo of it) and a cool dark haired athletic girlfriend that could kick my ass (like what kinda fucking coincidence), that dropped out of my life pretty dramatically at a turning point. a brother that i was secretly, even to myself, envious of, envy that came from unhealthy idolization. a brother who thinks “you can tell me anything” even though i CANT because of the distance between us he hasnt quite fully acknowledged either.

and me, the younger, not straight, sibling who was(is) depressed, who felt abandoned by a brother who didnt really mean to abandon me, who was held so high and tried so hard to keep that reputation that i didnt let myself grow healthily. who lied about my problems and still isnt really to term with how i feel about my brother. who feels worse than their sibling because they were always told to be better.

and reconciliation is everything i want but everything i dont think i can get because of my own inclination to lock things away and ignore them.

also ive called my brother thor so many goddamn times totally on accident and my brain needs to chill the fuck out like i get it i understand the connection pls dont expose me im not ready for that yet

and just like... mcu thor and lokis relationship is something i hold so dear and close bc its so familiar. i want them to do better bc i want to do better

#bree rambles #and i mean RAMBLES #this is uh.... personal shit #if u read all of this mess i commend u and now ur in my head #on a lighter note i wanna get my brother a life sized mjolnir #but im afraid that if i do reality will crumble and ill have to realize im living some horrible au #and i dont want that #being loki would suck #seriously tho the parallels are alarming #big tldr: if thor and loki have so much as ANY reconciliation in thor 3 i will sob #like what fuckin luck that i have a blue eyed mjolnir wielding strong as hell older brother #AND he has a cool dark haired girlfriend whos also strong and could kick my ass for sure #and all that baggage like...stop #the fact that it took me till a few months ago to realize these parallels is surprising #actually its not bc i wasnt mentally ready to acknowledge my issues yet

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strainingfororiginality · 7 years

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Chapter 13

Part 3

2 weeks ago in the Outskirts of New York City

“Someone needs to talk to him … we can’t just … stay here ... waiting.” Ephraim was the first to say anything, as Fet, Gus, and Dutch followed him along their walk down the rim of the concrete washway. It was mid-afternoon, and they knew they shouldn’t be out in the open, but they also needed some privacy for the conversation. That damn half-breed could probably still hear them from here.

“I agree. We really need to start planning ahead.” Dutch said.

“Aight … who’s the unlucky one then?” Gus questioned. Normally, it would have been Abe’s job to try and sway the dhampir.

Fet was still angry, “I still say we don’t need him. I say we go without him.”

Dutch sighed, “I don’t think I like our odds without Q, love. Besides, we finally have a way to track that son of a bit--”

“Den we go ourselves … we don’t need him. We finish dis.”

“And what about her? She’s still our friend.” Ephraim offered to the unreasonable man and Fet shuffled about, not responding while he shoved his hands into his giant coat’s pockets.

“Alright, we need to go, we can’t stay here. Ephraim, talk to him.” Dutch decided.

“Wait … me? Why me?!”

“Because, ese.” Gus slapped him on the back, “You are the one who’s jonesing to leave.” Dutch motioned for the two men to head back with a silent nod of her head and she walked up beside the big man who stared out through the chain link fence that lined the washway.

“Fet, we all miss him …” She knew Fet missed him most.

“He didn’t even let us say goodbye.” She knew he wasn’t referring to Abe. Fet started to walk away from her as he kicked a nearby rock down the concrete embankment, turning away from the Hacker so she wouldn’t see the tears in his eyes.

“He said that wasn’t his choice. It was Abe’s. You saw him after--”

“After what? You mean … after HE KILLED HIM!?”

“You know it was a mercy. I know you saw it too. That wasn’t easy for him. I know you bloody saw--”

“He had no right to take that away from us.”

“Would you have rather the Professor had asked YOU to do it?”

“I …��

“Would you, eh?” She tried to stop him from walking away from her words.

“... no … I just … I dunno … I wanted to say goodbye, ya know? He got to say goodbye, ya know?”

“Did you really … I mean … honest to god, did you REALLY want to say goodbye? To look him in the face, knowing that he was about to die?”

Fet kicked another rock, refusing to turn around to her or respond.

“Because … if it were up to me … I wouldn’t want to look you in the face. I wouldn’t want to see the way that you would look back at me, knowing I was infested with all that shit.”

“Dat’s selfish … you promise me, you promise me dat you won’t do dat to me,” He turned around quickly, finally showing her his teary face as he grabbed her shoulders, pleading with her as he shook her gently, “You promise me dat if you have dat choice, you let me say goodbye to you.”

Dutch nodded through her own crying and let the big man embrace her with all of his strength.

She offered one last sentence before they walked back to the bunker in silence, “It wasn’t a privilege,” She thought back to the dhampir’s face that night, “What he asked Quinlan to do for him … ”

She still remembered the scene way too clearly. Fet had started to scream from up top, and when she’d made her way to the surface, Quinlan was sitting on the concrete pylon, holding the Professor’s sword perpendicular to the ground, tip digging into the dirt, his chin resting on the wolf handle, the blade streaked with red blood. He stared at the ground in front of him, at the body that lay underneath his own outer coat which he had removed and laid carefully over the old man. Gus was holding Fet back.

The reason why was more than apparent, as the worms were attempting to escape out from under the black wool as they stood there, shocked by the scene. Quinlan sat, entirely unaffected by Fet’s screams, simply staring at the limp figure on the ground and offering only a single sentence before he took the body away to burn.

“Forgive me ... it was his final request.”

“You and the others are welcome to leave at any point, Doctor.” He said from his seated position next to the bed, “I am not forcing any of you to stay here.” This, of course, was a bluff, as he was not really open to letting the Doctor leave at this point, not while she was still in this state. He couldn’t have cared less about the others.

Ephraim sighed heavily, “Q ...” It had been three days since his return with the woman in tow. Three days and she still hadn’t moved an inch. Quinlan had left only once during that time, and that was to return to their last house for various supplies, namely IV kits, antibiotics and food. He allowed no humans to accompany him, as he knew their presence would only provide greater risk.

He had refused to bring alcohol back, requiring Ephraim stay sober until she awoke, and this had put the Doctor on edge for the first two days. All things considered, he seemed to be in better spirits now. Perhaps just less angry at the very least.

“She needs to eat.” Ephraim stated and Quinlan finally stood, turning to look at the Doctor’s face.

“Very well, tell me what you need and I will retrieve it.”

Ephraim shook his head, “We need more than that. We need to run tests … and to do that we’ll need equipment and power … We need to make sure there is even brain--”

“She breaths on her own. She will awaken … I am certain.” His annoyance was ripe, and he got particularly testy with Ephraim each time he bought up this possibility.

“She’s been running a mild fever for a few days now and the antibiotics aren’t having any effect … and that might only get worse. Q, we can’t stay here … for her sake. She needs more help than I can give her locked in this little bunker. We have no idea what that shit you gave her actually did. She needs constant monitoring--”

Quinlan looked back to her, “Where would you suggest we go?”

Ephraim shifted a bit, “I have a few of places in mind. I think we both agree we need to get away from the city for a while, someplace that can be fortified.”

Quinlan did not trust Goodweather, especially after the offer that was made to him by the Master. He knew he had betrayed his friends once before when such an deal had been made, “Goodweather, if you are planning further treachery, I will warn you again--”

“What is that supposed to mean?” Ephraim was honestly taken back by the sudden mistrust.

“Do not think that I have forgotten the offer that my father made to you.” Quinlan stood as straight as possible with his hands clasp behind him as he eyed the Doctor suspiciously. The offer was Zach for Dawn, and Goodweather would do anything to get his son back.

“I’m not a fool, Quinlan.” Quinlan tilted his head to the right, and the Doctor completed the sentence before he could, “I know, I know … I’m human. But I know the Master would never keep his end of ANY bargain. I want her to stay alive as much as you do.”

Quinlan sighed and turned back to the woman, “You will forgive me if I doubt your sincerity.” Besides, there was simply no way that the Doctor wished her alive as much as he did.

Ephraim stepped around him and kneeled beside her bed while he spoke, checking the wound on her shoulder again, “Trust me, I understand. Do I need to remind you that you were a willing accomplice in that same treachery?”

Ephraim pulled the bandage back and neither of them were shocked to see that the wound was entirely gone now, and he pulled the gauze free, touching the skin where there should have been a scar, where there should have been something to indicate she’d been cut. Her other scars were still present though, at least those on her back and the one that Quinlan himself had left on her neck.

Ephraim checked her pupils again and Quinlan used it as a segue to ask something which had been plaguing him, “Her condition … Osteogenesis Imperfecta …,” he saw the Doctor cringe at his correct pronunciation of the Latin term. Quinlan was quite accomplished at language and he knew he could appease the Doctor by using the term without the accent, but he would not. It was a Latin word, after all.

“Yeah?”

“Is it caused by hollow bones?”

Ephraim laughed at the thought, “No. No it’s not.”

“Are you certain? What causes--”

Ephraim interrupted him and turned to look up to his questioning face, “It’s a collagen deficiency.”

Quinlan raised a hairless brow to him.

“It’s defective connective tissue.”

“Connective tissue … around the bone?” Quinlan furrow his brow next.

“No, no, inside. O.K., how about this … It's how they form that makes them weak. It's like using wood instead of rebar inside of a concrete foundation to reinforce it.”

Quinlan nodded, the analogy was sufficient, “Hmmm. Not hollow then.”

“Its funny you ask about it though.”

“Why is that?”

“I think it's gone.”

Quinlan knew he should have been shocked by this, but some part of him knew that was likely the case, “How can you be certain?” If the Professor’s suspicions were accurate, then this condition would not have gone away. If the Professor was correct, then her condition might have even gotten worse.

“Well … I can’t. But her eyes, the sclera, they aren’t blue anymore. I’ve checked every day. They haven’t been since you put that shit in them. But, her DNA--”

“I can offer you no answers on this subject, Doctor. As I have already said. We all have questions for when she wakes.” He lied to Ephraim. He had chosen to keep the conversation between the Professor and himself private for now.

He watched the Doctor finish his examination of her, after which he stood and turned back to face Quinlan, “Listen, I want her to live. She’s one of us. But I know we are both thinking it … as long as she’s alive, he’s gonna come for her.” Quinlan furrowed his nostrils at this, “And as long as we have something he wants, we have--”

“Leverage?” Quinlan attempted to finish his sentence.

“Bait.”

No, he did not trust Goodweather at all. Quinlan rattled.

“Shit guys …” Fet called back from the front of the van, “Der’s people here …”

The first two hospitals that they had stopped to check on their way to Fort Detrick had been entirely abandoned and without power. In the end, they were useless. People had been impressively efficient in their abilities to loot for healthcare supplies after The Fall. This had been the Doctor’s final suggestion and it was a good two hour drive from the bunker.

“What do you mean people?” Ephraim called up to him from his seat in the middle row. Dutch sat next to him and attempted to look around Fet’s shoulder to see what was causing the giant man to slow down.

“I mean, der’s people … LOTS of people.” Fet stopped the van fully on the side of the road as the group eyed the roadblock a mile ahead. Men in Army fatigues walked the barbed-wire barricade with assault rifles in hand.

“It's the military, man. The country’s still fightin’. It ain’t over.” Gus’ voice was full of optimism as he smiled back from the front passenger seat.

“Where can we go next?” Quinlan posed from the final row of seats. He rode with the woman head’s in his lap, her body stretched out across the other two seats. She was short enough that she fit nicely in the width available and there was no need to bunch up her legs. He’d taken off his inner coat and folded it into a makeshift pillow as he held her head gently while they drove.

“No, actually. This is perfect. This place is supposed to be entirely self sufficient. It functions completely separate from the grid.” Ephraim said back to him, “If they are still up and running, then--”

“Goodweather.” He was not amused.

The Doctor turned to face him, “This is her best shot. We run a few tests, get some supplies, a feeding tube kit and then we are out. It’ll be fast … Lickity split.”

Quinlan looked down at her face and brushed the loose hair away with his gloveless fingers. He couldn’t go in with them, he knew. He could at least stay close and he begrudgingly nodded, “Alright …”

He leaned forward as he whispered into her ear, “Do not worry. I will be close.”

Fort Detrick, Present

All things considered, Corporal Webb was actually really cute, but she knew he was probably around ten years younger than her, maybe more. And each time that he used ‘ma’am’ to respond to her, she felt even older.

He’d been nice enough to show her where the ‘bulk of the refugees’ were housed so she could find her friends, and it didn’t take nearly as long as she thought before she spied the giant man in the crowd of dirty and aimless people.

She laughed when he picked her up while he embraced her fully, crushing all the air out of her lungs. “We didn’t think you were gonna wake up!” He was happy to see her which actually surprised Dawn quite a bit. She’d never really considered herself part of their group until this very moment. However happy she was, she immediately launched into her desired questioning.

“Where is everyone else?” she asked. Ephraim’s comment that they were mostly there had been plaguing her.

The smile on Fet’s face quickly faded and his head tilted forward, “Da Professor didn’t make it.” It was not what she was expecting to hear and her hand covered her mouth that had suddenly dropped agape. She looked at Gus briefly before offering her condolences to them as she hugged Fet again, “I’m so sorry.” He was too big to get her arms around fully, but she tried her hardest.

He shrugged off his emotion as best he could and continued, eyeing the young man that was sent to follow her around, “Its O.K. … Dutch is in jail. Eph is …” ��He waved his hand around in the air above his head, “... in some secret lab somewhere. We ain’t allowed to see him.”

Dawn was trying to be patient with him, but when he stopped there, she was forced to ask specifically, “Fet, where’s Q?”

Fet looked at the soldier uncomfortably again, and this time it was Gus that offered up an answer, “We dunno. He’s gone.”

“What do you mean gone? Gone gone?” She gulped as her heart paused for a brief moment of panic … Gone?

“No … we don’t think so … I mean. He left.”

She looked down at the ground, thinking about it, “He just … left? When?” There had to be more to it than that.

Gus looked back towards the Corporal again. They obviously didn’t want to talk about this now, but she didn’t care, “When did he leave?”

“Two weeks ago … he cou--didn’t come with us.” This was from Fet. She picked up on the near slip … he couldn’t come with them.

Nevertheless, him being gone wasn’t right. That didn’t seem right at all. That didn’t feel right. He was supposed to be close wasn’t he? She wasn’t sure why she felt that way, but the fact that he was simply gone saddened her. After everything, he wouldn’t just leave? At the very least she had confirmation that he was still alive … well, two weeks ago that is.

“I dunno why you care, though. I mean … after what he did to you …” Fet trailed off and she looked back at him with severe confusion.

“What do you mean … what he did to me?”

“Hey, let’s talk about this later? Are you hungry, chica? They make a mad burro over in Tent Seven.” Gus was quick to change the subject in order to subdue the Corporal’s peaking interest. She was not hungry at all actually, even after throwing up everything that she assumed had been her lunch, but she agreed anyways.

She wasn’t physically tired, she felt like she could stay up for days, but Fet and Gus were and when they attempted to take her back to Tent Ten to find a bed, the Corporal interrupted. This was the first time he’d actually spoken to them all night.

“No, Sir. That won’t be necessary. General Shaw has provided her apartment quarters in the officer housing barracks.”

“Wait … you mean she gets a real bed and a REAL bathroom? How do I swing dis deal?” Fet questioned immediately. Apparently accommodations in the camp weren’t to his liking.

“How big is it? They can just come with us.” She immediately posed to the young soldier. It's not like they weren’t used to all sleeping in the same room together already.

“No, Ma’am. I’m sorry. Refugees need to stay in this area.” So, she reluctantly left her friends there and promised to find them the next day. She needed to work on a plan on how to ditch the soldier.

On their way to find her new digs, she questioned, “Why can’t they come with us?”

“Refugees--”

“I know, I know … they are supposed to stay in that area. Why?” This guy was like a broken record.

“Safety reasons, Ma’am.” Ugh, ma’am again.

“Safety for who, exactly?”

“For everyone, Ma’am.” This guy was less than forth coming, but when they got to her quarters, it seemed nicely enough. A one bedroom apartment with a built in kitchenette. It reminded her of the same accommodations she’d gotten at another base she’d stayed at.

“So, where are you gonna stay?” She pondered to him as he followed her inside.

“The couch, Ma’am. I was told not to leave you alone.”

She giggled at the thought of it and she asked, “Does that include when I go to the bathroom?”

Finally he cracked a smile and seemed to relax, but just a bit. His stance and demeanour almost reminded her of another soldier she knew. Almost. This one was much less pale.

“No, that’s fine, ma-”

“Please don’t call me ma’am again.”

He grinned at her, his hazel eyes beaming, “Just Maxwell, then?”

“Sure.” He could call her Herbert for all she cared, but just not ma’am. Herbert? What a strange thought. She wondered where she got that from before hopping off to the bathroom, which was found through the bedroom, and basked in the ability to finally be alone. Her introversion was in full swing and the emotional exhaustion of socializing over the last couple of hours finally hit her. A shower would be nice and she checked that they did have honest to god fucking hot water.

WOW.

THANK ZEUS HIMSELF.

She slowly pulled off the clothes that she had been wearing. First the jacket and then the baggy, v-necked, long sleeved shirt. She remembered Quinlan offered her a similar shirt in the high rise apartment, but this wasn’t the same one. It didn’t have any holes in it, much less the hole that the glass shard had made in her shoulder that night. It was one of his shirts nonetheless, but he’d never worn it. It didn’t smell like him at all.

She wondered immediately as it crossed her if that a was a creepy observation to make and quickly decided that it was. Shame on her. She’d see if she could find a new shirt tomorrow, as much as she wanted to keep this one.

She looked down to her wrist again in the fluorescent lighting and ran her fingers over where the mark had been. There was nothing. She checked her shoulder again and again found nothing. Had it all been a dream? The rocket, , the jump, the glass, the … blood?

The hot water felt more than nice. She’d nearly forgotten what it was like to take a warm shower, as their previous house had none. She scrubbed herself fiercely, knowing that she’d likely only been exposed to sponge baths the last few weeks, and when she was satisfied that she was clean enough, she slipped out and began to dry herself with one of the available clean towels.

As she wiped the steam that had built up on the mirror, she took a look at herself. She didn’t do this often, she’d learned to hate her reflection over the years. It did nothing but cause her stress. Over the years, she looked more and more like her mother and she disliked her very much.

What Dawn saw staring back at her wasn’t entirely what she expected. She felt tired, but she didn’t look it. She had no signs of the damage that the mercenary had inflicted on her that day. No indication of a cut on her cheek or lip remained.

She prodded herself, specifically the area between her eyebrows that had been the first part of her face to really age and wrinkle, but it seemed to be plumper now. The furrows created by her deep thought were still there, but they were not as apparent as she remembered them being now.

She looked at the hair around her face, the wisps that floated down along her hairline and her eyebrows. Was her hair getting lighter? She knew she was starting to grey, but this was more golden than grey or even ash.

Shrugging it off, she admitted that she was tired, even if it wasn’t a kind of tired that sleeping more would fix. She pulled her jacket back on as it was suddenly quite chilly and dried off her hair as best she could before stepping back into the bedroom.

The slightest breeze hit her as she turned towards the window. No wonder it's chilly, but that wasn’t open befo--

“OH!” She suddenly jumped as she realized that the man in black had entered the room and stood before her without making a sound, like the fucking ninja he was.

#strain fanfic #quinlan fanfic #mr. quinlan fanfic #quintus sertorius fanfic #quintus densus #a savage inconvenience #chapter 13

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survivor-kalymnos · 4 years

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Ep. 9 - “im running on borrowed time”- Franco

Michele

I would love to see a full list of who everyone voted for. Its VERY fishy and a complete blindside. Makes me feel worse about disadvantage next round

lenny

Right when cranjes becomes my ally, they get kicked off. lol. what is happening in this tribe rn? I want to get to the bottom of it.

michele

ive never felt more alone in this game. people clearly lied to me.

lenny

according to dusty, Franco and Eliza flipped for the split vote. yuck! what to do now? I don't know. I think if I have any chance of getting Eliza or Michele out, I have to make a new alliance.

lenny

Dusty just said that her franco rain and worm were the ones to flip and that makes me very anxious and I don't know if I can trust rain fully :/ that makes me sad. I really hope I can.

lenny

so michele and I are talking which is v heartwarming. I apologized for being cold towards her. I hope we can work together.

Dusty

Well that was messed up LMAO That’s the second time Eliza has flipped on me and taken out my closest ally...anyway I will not be working with her anymore. But I’m gonna make her believe it. And thank you to my amazing acting skills she gave me her half of the super idol..........ma’am. I’m so sorry. She expects me to give it back to her after this round but Idk if I can do that if she isn’t in the game anymore! She also told me that it was her and Franco that flipped with rain and worm. So now I’m trying to work with Lenny and Michele who seem to be on board, and it seems like I’ll also have to working with frank and Sasha. And with this blind round there’s a fear of voting for someone that won immunity buuut at least I have a 10% advantage to help me out :) Wish me luck!

michele

kinda blew up a little so gonna lay low for strategy. i also sometimes take things too personally which is why i only do like 1 org a year so that last tribal got to me a lot. franco messaged me saying he doesnt trust me and even tho his instincts are completely correct idk it just feels weird. i think i just hate general confrontation

Frank

So I’m shocked Cranjes left but I’m quite happy about it. He was leading a lot of things so to have him go is wonderful. After tribal, Michele approached me about getting out Eliza or Franco, so we stan that. Once one of them is gone though the other needs to be taken out as well since they’re both strong and we don’t need one of the having a story of, oh my partner got out but I still made it through so much. After that get rid of Dusty and then Lenny at some point bc who. I’m fairly quiet but Lenny is practically a ghost. Right now the only person I actually trust though is Sasha, which is not something I thought I would say but here we are.

Franco

Blind rounds are so SCARY. Mainly the part about no one knowing who wins immunity. Like, we got out 2 idols last round by blindsiding Cranjes and flushing Frank's, but theres still more out there. And no one is going to know how tribal is going to play out Michele was kinda pissed at us for leaving her out of the vote. But? Sis left us out of her alliance with og Plati, and didnt give us ANY information last round despite knowing I was a target. Eliza is also.... Kinda not smart. She gave her half of the idol to Dusty because she wanted to reconcile. Which is nice and all! But thats a direct chance for him to get back at us and take a shot at us. Keeping the idol separate was best for everyone. So I just gotta pray Eliza knows Dusty as well as she says she does!! I dont expect to win this challenge. Im gonna chat around, but I think Im going to have to play my idol this round to save my skin. My name has been thrown around 2 rounds in a row, im running on borrowed time. We'll see how today goes!

Frank

So Franco messaged me about if I’m gonna vote him this round and that he doesn’t understand why I’m going after him. So I did the kind thing and explained it and said that I don’t want to work with him because he’s working with everyone and that I don’t see that as being beneficial to my game. So Franco is my target again and michele messaged me last night to get rid of him so we stan. I’m probably gonna get votes but who could be shocked by that.

Franco

surprise!! my name is going around AGAIN!! i'm so. not shocked. Frank has it out for my for some reason?? I confronted him this morning, let him know his """allies""" are throwing him under the bus and offered to exchange information or work together in some capacity but he literally turned it down. first rule of survivor is never shut down lines of communication like that!! he is denying any chance of game relationship we could have and thats such bad gameplay. I bombed the challenge because I'm dumb. And now that I know my name is circulating I'm going to have to play my idol. I just have to hope that whatever happens is good for my game. It's so hard to orchestrate votes during an invisible round, everyone is playing strictly for themselves because there's no reason not to. I really really finally want Frank gone. This is the THIRD ROUND in a row I've said that. but seriously I'm over him. he's gotta GO.

Eliza

Dear diary... Literally can’t believe we pulled that blindside off! I had to do some damage control with dusty and because I know what kind of player he is I gave him my half of the super idol. I told him I’d give it to him for this round to prove that the cranjes vote had nothing to do with him and that he is still someone I want to work with. He seemed shocked but obviously took the security and I think I have at least some of his trust back, I mean this IS the second time I blindsided him and voted out his closest ally. Now I know you’re probably thinking, ellie you’re a dumbass, and that I am but I know how dusty works at this point in the game and it’s gonna take a bold move like that one to get ANY of his trust back. Franco didn’t think it was the best move but I can’t just play according to Franco’s standards. The invisible round is absolutely terrifying, everyone agrees that it’s frank but we all know that he could 100% win this challenge. Obviously everyone with a brain wants to split but some of these people won’t wanna split again after they got out smarted, Franco might be playing his idol because we all know frank wants him out but frank has also said I need to go and I have absolutely no security rn so yeah, I’m fucking scared. Let’s see what happens!

Rain

So... I haven’t been around much today. I abstained from immunity. My depression is kicking in and even tho I’m doing well in the game, I can’t be bothered to get into it, as much as I want to. So I’ll ride Franco and Eliza’s coattails until either I pull out of this funk or I get voted out. The move tonight is to try to get frank. Except he’s kinda good at challenges (although, tbh, hasn’t been that great since returning - maybe the idol was holding him back?) so we think he may get immunity. I think voting Sasha would be better - like come on, I don’t even think he’s trying (is that hypocritical to say?) and he only talks to his allies. The other side (oh is it just dusty, Sasha, and frank now? Fuckin sweet) doesn’t even attempt to socialize with me. Dusty to some extent, but talking to Sasha and frank is like talking to a fucking wall. I’ll be happy if either of them go. But tbh at this point I’m ready to join the jury. I’m going to keep playing and keep trying because that’s what jay and the people I’ve voted out deserve to see, but whenever I go home, I know I played a good game for my first game in over a year.

lenny

not feeling confident about this challenge or good in general. Rain is most likely working with franco and eliza. I hope I can trust dusty. oof

Worm

So last round seemed to have back fired. I think I have alienated myself even more but I'm not sure if saying people not talking to me is showing that. They weren't talking to me before anyway so I guess nothing really changed then lol They goal this round is to target Frank which is okay with me cause I think people will start going after bigger targets next round like Eliza and Franco. Michele seems really mad at me which i can't fault her for so my goal if I survive this round is to talk to her and get her back on my side. Maybe reuniting the alliance of dusty, her, and I could make a huge impact. This challenge is really difficult so I don't think I had any chance of winning. I kinda hope I do for just in case reasons. If I being told the truth and everyone is targeting Frank then it should happen pretty easily. His idol got flushed last round so it should be simple to get rid of him. But until those votes are read I do believe that I will be the one going home.

Frank

Watch Franco have an idol and I go home. That would be funny, tbh I guess it just would be. But oh boy I am gonna get myself a nice snack if Franco goes...although let's be real I'm gonna have a nice snack no matter what. But I just want to stay and have Franco or Eliza leave since that would benefit my game to an extreme since they KEEP TRYING TO VOTE ME OUT. Or at least saying my name which is enough for me. Like if you say my name, get out!

rain

Tribal is in a few minutes, and I’ve just had an emotional chat with Franco He is truly an incredible ally and I really look forward to being in the reunion w him and finding out who he is irl (although I have a guess) Anyway, I just wanted to give him some positive edit, because I’m sure he’s very N as the villain of the game :P

Dusty

This is crazy idek if I won immunity or what’s happening I changed my vote like 3 times LMAO i voted for Eliza I don’t know what’s happening i think I’m freaking out for no reason. My only fear is michele being very quiet.

michele

being quiet worked i guess. wasnt really a game move but i didnt get voted out so yay

Sasha

I really just gave up on trying to have my own strategy/game and just voted how people told me to huh

Eliza

Dear diary... It was a tie between me and frank, this might be the last time I write in confessions but hopefully I was able to make some sort of impact in the game. Wow this sucks

Dusty

jflkdsaiof okay a tie well michele being quiet all day meant that she didnt get the chance to know the vote was for eliza... which just made me think someone decided to not flip against eliza/franco so in the revote i reached out to worm and rain to try and get them to flip which they both denied. ugh im so stupid, they would know regardless that i flipped, but now it seems like i was soooo adamant about her going... oh well. Franco is going to be pissed anyway

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