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brookeolin · 4 years

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TRIGGER WARNING/TW: emotional and physical abuse and violence

Hi! I've been paying attention to the stories of assault that have been shared by brave survivors over the past week... and years... Every time a movement to share revives, I consider talking about something I've been through... but usually by the time I feel like I can, I tell myself "it's too late, the moment passed". I am finally realizing that this mentality was a stupid way of silencing myself--and it's truly never too late to speak up.

I don't have a games industry person to call out. I'm sharing my story just to get it off my chest.

A couple years ago, in my late 20s, I was dating a guy named Mike. The relationship was pretty toxic from the start, but I was naiive as hell (yes you're still probably naiive about a lot of things in your late 20s btw) and thought his mean streak was sort of... refreshing? I fooled myself into thinking that I'd finally met a guy that would be honest with me about my flaws, and who would love me despite them. Because of this infatuation with a mean streak and the emotional highs and lows that come with it, I ignored all of the red flags. Some examples related to games: If we played a new game and had different opinions about it, mine were always wrong. If I tried to make an argument for my opinion, he'd accuse me of trying to make him feel stupid. My opinions were always invalidated without a discussion. We would play games together--he would tell me I was bad at it. He wouldn't even play the games I'd worked on, and told me he didn't like them. Everything I did or said was bad or wrong, but he'd always sugar-coat it and comfort me with encouragement that I could "do better". It was a rollercoaster of emotions every day. My self-esteem was so low that... I believed he was right. His gaslighting prevented me from seeing the reality of the situation--I was being emotionally abused, constantly.

Time flew by during this relationship. I was always either ecstatically happy or deeply depressed, and so I developed intense anxiety and panic attack problems. I would have a panic attack and would try to talk to him about it, and he would get mad at me or ignore me. The next day, he'd apologize and we'd make up. This happened more times than I can count. The relationship was so all over the place all the time that my emotional energy was always spent. I got too tired to talk to friends, and cut myself off from everyone without realizing it. I was also shipping a couple games at the time, and stopped working on them in the normal way... I didn't playtest, I didn't proofread, I just hacked things out as fast as possible so I could get back to putting out fires in my relationship. Every single disagreement about games or anything else was always turned back on me, and used to further belittle me.

Things continued to escalate with Mike, and maybe... a year into our relationship, one day, he was mad at me for arguing with him about... something. I was probably mad at him about rent--at this point, he was playing games all day and not working. I was paying for our entire existence, including rent, so we'd fight about that a lot. Anyways, we were fighting and it escalated and he started to hit me. He then shoved me onto the couch and started strangling me. I couldn't get him off. I was seriously at the limit of being conscious when I managed to pry him off of my neck, and then he hit me some more. That went on for a bit, until I managed to run out of the apartment. I wandered around in the streets for a while before coming home.

Guess what! Even after something like that, I stayed with him! People aren't kidding when they talk about how difficult it is for abuse victims to leave their abusers. Why? He convinced me that he beat me up because I pushed him to that point. He managed to manipulate me into believing it was my fault. Turns out, this kind of gaslighting is pretty typical in these abuse situations, but I didn't know that at the time and was... so traumatized and fucked up that I believed him. It took me almost another year, and more physical abuse, to finally leave. I almost died multiple times while dating this guy. On the last occaision, he strangled me again after slamming my head into the wall. He stopped strangling me at my breaking point again and started running towards the kitchen, saying something about a knife. I sprinted out the door with only a shirt and underwear on.

An old guy was closing up at a bar nearby and he let me in and called the cops. Of course, the cops weren't helpful--they stood there asking me "but how bad was it, really"... even asking me to rate my fucking beating on a scale of 1-10 while I was sobbing and covered in bruises. Eventually, they finished questioning me and taking pictures of my neck, and finally drove me home. We got there and they asked... "Do you want us to arrest him? You need to decide." These fuckers made me decide if I wanted my abusive boyfriend to go to jail, outside of my apartment, while I was shaking like a leaf, with no pants or shoes on. It was the lowest point of my life, by far. I was like... seriously in disbelief that they were asking me, the victim, to make this decision. Thankfully, I said yes, and he went to jail. I went back into my apartment, alone, surrounded by broken furniture. I called my mom and a friend. I'll never forget how strange it was to just lie there in my ruined apartment, not really knowing what to do. I went to the ER the next day and the nurses there told me they see girls like me in this condition every day, and they told me that a lot of those girls go home and it happens again and again. They asked me sincerely to never speak to Mike again, and I didn't. I have not seen him since. Oh, but I was still effected by the gaslighting so deeply that I gave money to a friend to bail him out of jail a couple days later, because I still felt like everything was somehow my fault. It was NOT my fault. He chose to violently assault me. That was his choice. It took me a long time to recognize that, because his gaslighting really effected me to my core. The power of abuse is truly incredible and horrific, and the power an abuser has remains even after they are gone.

I was was lucky to come out this alive and on my feet. I am no longer in that relationship--I am safe and happy. As lucky as I've been to come this far, I've been through some very real PTSD since then, and still struggle with the physical and financial repercussions of my assault to this day. Things have gotten a lot better though, so I thought it'd be a good time to share this with folks.

I hope that anyone out there who is also a domestic abuse victim can see that they're not alone, and that they can get out of the situation... hopefully faster than I did. I can't advise anyone personally--I'm a victim, not a professional. However, I can promise you, if you're a survivor/victim of domestic abuse, that there's hope. You can get your life together, as impossible as it might seem--I am living proof of it. Trusted friends, therapy and local domestic abuse centers are incredibly helpful. I have personally literally used all of these methods to help with my own situation, when it was at its worst. There is no shame in asking for help.

If you're not a victim, or don't personally know anyone who is... I hope that you might now recognize that domestic abuse is a very real and pervasive thing. It doesn't happen to one specific kind of person--it can really happen to anyone, and often for long, drawn out periods of time. Relationships are complicated things that can be incredibly difficult to get out of, especially when abuse (emotional and/or physical) is happening. Please keep this in mind, watch out for your family and friends, and support victims as much as humanly possible.

-Nina Freeman

#domestic abuse #partner abuse #nina freeman

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datingadviceonreddit · 3 years

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If youre reading this im hoping its because youre also a lonely man.Ive been alone my entire life, no friends, no family. But this subreddit isnt where you want to go to learn anything about dating advice, or.... sex. This sub is full of the worst most hostile people, and if youre one of those people, maybe this may get you to take a long hard look at yourself. Today 2 girls told me my life doesnt matter, that im ugly, annoying. Im sure the women of this sub will say I deserve it and so on. But these are women who I thought were my friends, but... as an ugly male, this is always a stretch. No woman wants to be friends with an ugly male. So im hideous and deformed, im so ugly that people give me second looks because im so strange to look at. I can be so kind and generous "THATS YOUR FAULT!" says the women of this sub. "YOU FELL FOR THE TRICKS AND LIES, THAT IS YOUR FAULT!"I took some notes and wrote them down and I am going to list them here, they are valid points and im sure ill be shamed and gas lit for having these thoughts, but here we go.One big issue ive noticed is these days if it doesnt generate profit, if it doesnt bring in money, it is seen as useless. They scream and scream you need to have hobbies and skills, but mention youre learning this, or maybe reading this, or you do that; "and.... what does that do? HUH!? HUH!?!?!?!? whats that do for you!?" they are saying its useless, that it has no value, because its not wage-labor or bringing in a lucrative income.In the United States we live in a thing called a guilt based culture. A hyper individualistic and guilt based culture, its no secret that social systems exist to keep people in line; the guilt based system works well with the individualistic culture of the U.S. because you can be encouraged to feel guilty and thats your business. Women do this to men on here constantly, enforcing the "guilt" you should feel from being.... attracted to them. "uhm, its wrong to ask women out...." they are attempting to make you feel guilt and get satisfaction from it. Women hold the most power in this culture, and you have nothing you can do to them. They can treat you how they want such as telling me I am worthless, and dont matter.... you can say "well fine, never speak to me again." and they will giggle and laugh, "HAHAAA!!!!! GOOD! WE GOT ALPHAS ON OUR SIDE!"The second big thing ive noticed is the whole "its your personality" bullshit thats regurgitated on here. Its actually really inconsiderate, cruel, and dishonest to tell someone who is ugly that they are being treated like trash by women because... "their personality". Its part of this guilt based thing, they want you to look at yourself, wonder what exactly is wrong, and to sit in guilty silence.On some dating sites you can actually see who visits your profile AND what pics they look at. I had an account on one of these sites and never ever got matches, so id message random girls if I liked their profile (this will get guilt tripped im sure, as if I should feel guilty for messaging women on dating sites) id notice once they read my message, theyd go to my profile and look at a few of my pics, then.... blocked.Obviously what happened was they read my message, decided to see what I look like, saw im deformed and hideous, and blocked me. If you actually see that and say, "nah it was your personality." you are fucking delusional.On a side note as a kid one time, and this goes into social influences on our lives... I was young and riding the bus, and there was no seats open. Only 2 people to a seat they said. I saw only one seat with one person in it, and people obviously didnt want me with my deformed hideousness to sit next to them, so I sat in this open seat next to this girl, I said to her... "hey im sorry, but no other seats are open." she looked at me and started yelling "WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING TO?" I told her... "uhhh you..." she goes, "youre a fucking weirdo!" and climbed over me to sit with 2 other girls... 3 to a seat which you arent allowed to do. I said "hey... i didnt do anything..." and one of the other girls (notice they are all female) turns around to say "SHUT UP! nobody likes you!"I started to cry...People on this sub, when I bring up situations like that, tell me im "playing victim" that I deserved it. Fuck... im so tired of being so alone.They claim women are cruel for their "own protection" which is the most sexist fucking thing to say on earth. As if all men are fucking animals who cant control themselves and need to be treated like shit. its an excuse to treat men bad, and is sexist.Lets move on, the third thing.... uhmm wanting dates or sex is not a fucking mental problem. If a man is struggling with dates or sex, to tell him he needs therapy and fucking mental evaluations for being curious on dating or sex, is fucking dehumanizing. Just because someone wants dates or sex does not mean they need to be doped up on psych drugs ffs.If you are seeking advice on this sub, be prepared for that. They will fucking try to diagnose you on here.I think the "youre playing victim" trope is overused as fuck... it just invalidates (i hope im using this word right) a mans emotions, its saying "get over it" in so many words.And finally, those one guys will hound you and have the women join them as symbols of how you should be...yeahhh im talking about those guys who are like "im a 45 year old virgin! and you dont hear me complaining! im fine with being alone forever right girls!" and they go "YEAH! SEE BE LIKE HIM!" while they have hook up sex with other guys and shame you for being curious about it.they are virtue signaling and trying to guilt you into thinking being alone is acceptable.Honestly, just move on to a different sub. Watch the hostility of the comments I get for evidence, they will be incoherent angry rants how "women dont make mistakes" and wont even address the issues.Evidence enough. via /r/dating_advice

#dating #dating advice #reddit

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gftrfr · 6 years

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Fucking bastard

I fucking hate my brother with every fiber of my being. He is a fucking selfish-rudeass-disrespectful-asshole-inconsiderate-closeminded bastard that I have ever known. He cursed at my dad and fucking told him to die. Fuck you! I wish everyday that it was you who died instead. Every argument that the family had with you, you always think your right but your not. Your arguments are out of this place and invalid! You think you've won every single argument because mom and dad don't talk back to you, the reason they don't talk back to you is because they're tired of you, YOU ARE NOT WORTH IT AND NOT WORTHY TO HAVE AN ARGUMENT WITH. You only think of your own perspective never thought of others' perspective.

People said we should adjust for your sake and try to understand you but we're not gonna do that anymore because why would we? Are we at fault, fuck no! You're not worth it and you never tried to understand anything or the situation we're in, you never have because you only thought about yourself!!! If you think everything is your fault, yes!! Yes, I fucking agree with you!! Its your fault dad died because you told him to die! We're short financially because you pushed to enroll in school even though mom and dad told you they are not yet ready but they will enroll you next academic year, but no, You insist on enrolling even though we had nothing, you sold things that dad worked so hard for to have and you just sold them like they were nothing!! Mom and dad had no choice to asked for money to other people for you to enroll and when dad's paycheck arrives we never got a chance to own it because we paid the people who we have debt to because we borrowed money from them because of you wanting to enroll, we could've used dad's paycheck for savings which could've help the family better but no, you're a selfish bastard and you never thought of that.

Another thing that I hate the most about you is that you going to church or just even praying. YOU'RE A FUCKING HYPOCRITE. Before dad died you told mom you don't believe in God or in Saints heck, you purposely grab a Mother Mary figurine/statue and smash it!! I mean who fucking does that? Are you one of the terrorist from Marawi who destroyed a church because its not their religion?!?! An Atheist doesn't do that, they have more respect than you ever have with God. And now, you're going to church, praying and making sign of the cross?!?!? HOW DARE YOU. DON'T YOU HAVE ANY SHAME?!?

Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you and your fucking awful attitude. I hope you know if there is a way that we can disown you I will do it, but for mom's sake I'll wait for the right opportunity to do so. I hope you know that we are ashamed of you, mom and dad never raise you the person that you are now, thats on you, ALL YOU. They have nothing to do with who you are. Even our relatives know you, the fucking horrilbe person you. They don't like you, they just tolerate you sometimes they don't want to be with you in the same room because of who you are. I do hope that your girlfriend's family know the real you sooner, I don't know what facade or what kind of person are you showing to them but its as sure as hell is not the real you. I'm pretty sure you talk about us to your girlfriend but she doesn't know who you are and the things that you have done at our home and if she does find out who you are and the things you've done then sooner or later she's gonna leave but if not then that's the first person I know who stuck with a type of person you are.

They say I should just ignore and leave you alone because you are not worth it but one more disrespectful act towards mom I won't hesitate to fight you and kick you out and tell dad's sister the things you have done including what you told dad a week before he died and hopefully that will get them to stop helping you financially with your studies. And I will let anyone have their way with you, like punch you because of your actions, I will let them do whatever they want to you just so they can give you a taste of your own medicine. You claim you have a mental illness, please, you don’t know anything of having one! If you know, then why did you do what you did with dad?!?! You fucking asshole!!! Claiming to have a mental illness is not a fucking excuse to act like a fucking asshole you bastard!! YOU DON’T HAVE AN ILLNESS YOU HAVE A FUCKING ATTITUDE!! A BAD ONE! PROBABLY THE WORST!!!

There is a special place for people like you and that's HELL. GO TO HELL because that's where you belong.

#i hate my brother #brother problems #hate #brother #fuck #fuck you

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ruthellisneda · 6 years

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{#TransparentTuesday} “Victims”

I recently found myself in the position of having a male tinder date tell me that women identifying themselves as victims (by focusing on gender inequality) doesn’t help anyone, and we should focus on what we can do instead of what we can’t.

It’s important to note that this guy was very kind, interesting, and well educated. He was willing to genuinely listen to me, but just didn’t understand why I encourage people to focus on sexism instead of trying to rise above it.

Plus he really seemed to believe there was no difference in treatment or privilege between the sexes.

This is one hazard of being single while doing what I do: when I talk about my work and mission, they frequently feel resistant and defensive, as if I’m blaming them or calling them out.

Luckily, I get that.

Fairly recently, if you told me that black people went to jail at way higher rates than white people, I woulda been like… weellllll maybe they shouldn’t do illegal stuff, and then they could stay out of jail like the rest of us? If you told me that white people have privileges black people don’t have, I would have felt defensive too. Are you trying to say my life has been easy?

But the more I’ve learned about the history of systemic racial oppression in the US, the more I’ve been able to understand a few simple facts.

Fact #1: Racial injustice was invisible to me, because I was never directly affected by it.

Fact #2: By being white, I am in the position of relative power, so it’s easy to dismiss the experiences of black and brown people as less valid.

Fact #3: Neither of those first two facts means racial injustice isn’t a real thing that’s happening all around me. It just means it was invisible to me until I started paying attention, getting educated about it, and listening to and believing people of color when they talk about their experiences.

Despite being, IMO, a good person with good intentions, I came from a place of total ignorance with regard to race. I basically felt like hey, your problem is imaginary— but even if it was real, it seems like you just need to work harder and take personal responsibility for making it better for yourself.

Talking to men about feminism often feels like this.

Even the “good guys” don’t get it because the injustice is invisible to them, so it’s easy for them to invalidate our experiences and make suggestions that subtly blame the victim, like how women just need to think positively and rise above.

The work I do in the world (not so much with clients, but with my public writings and personal life mission) is often about making invisible problems visible; putting explicit and specific language to enigmatic and hard-to-explain issues, so that we may all acknowledge and discuss them.

This is why it’s especially frustrating to talk to men, when I say something like “this is oppression, and it happens,” and his response is “do you really think it’s helpful to encourage people to identify as victims?”

All I want is for him to acknowledge that the invisible problem is real, not challenge my way of handling said problem. Men will never be able to understand the experiences and challenges of being female though, and (this is important): it’s not their job to do so.

This is another lesson I learned from getting educated on race:

I will never understand the experiences or challenges of a person of color, and its not my job to do so.

My job as a white person is to get educated on the facts, listen and believe people of color when they speak about their experiences, and continue to do the work of making their invisible struggles visible to both myself and the other white people in my sphere of influence.

That’s all I want men to do: read books written on feminism, get educated on the differences in how each gender is treated and socialized, seek out and believe the stories women tell them about how it feels to be female, and then continue to put in the work to make the invisible struggles of women more visible to both themselves and the other men in their sphere of influence.

We can’t do shit about a problem until everyone agrees the problem is real, and that won’t happen until the problem is visible for people who don’t personally experience it. Which requires, sadly, a massive amount of collaborative labor.

As for the particular detail brought up by my date, I think it’s worth addressing here: is it helpful to “encourage people to identify as victims?”

First of all: sometimes yes, sometimes no.

It can sometimes be useful to identify why you’re struggling in a particular area (to offset shame by validating and normalizing your experience), so identifying the specific forms of oppression, marginalization, or trauma you’ve experienced can be a powerful step in a long process of healing. Plenty of other people would not benefit from identifying this way, and that’s something each person gets to examine and decide for themselves on an individual level.

Assuming we should never discuss the problem in an effort to keep from feeling disempowered (or, put another way “focusing on what we can do instead of what we can’t”) feels completely backwards to me, as if closing our eyes will make the monsters go away. Instead, it is often exactly by acknowledging the severity of the problem that we are able to step into our most powerful selves and overcome.

More importantly though, there is a huge difference between the personal and the political; between individual healing and systemic change.

Oppression is a pattern, not a personal experience. Each individual person gets to decide how they relate to their lot in life, but identifying systemic patterns of inequality or marginalization is about identifying statistical patterns that need to be changed.

Let me offer you this analogy to help clarify the point.

What if there was a pattern in which white people very rarely got punched in the face, while women and people of color statistically got punched in the face all the fucking time? Each person would individually have to decide how to handle the fact that they either do or don’t get punched in the face all the time, but as a society we would all have to acknowledge the injustice and try to make it stop, right?

Ok. Feminism and racism and other social justice issues are just like that. Many of us are going around saying “hey, some people get punched way more often than others, and we should talk about that.”

In response, people say: “Why are you so sensitive about being punched? Anyone can technically be punched in the face at any time so I’m in as much danger as you are! Plus maybe it’s your own fault you keep getting punched, and if you acted more like me, people wouldn’t want to punch you as much.”

I’m not “playing victim” or encouraging a victim mindset when I talk about gender inequality. I don’t feel like a victim despite the fact that I, like most women, have been the actual victim of many actual crimes (let me remind you that sexual harassment, sexual assault, and gender discrimination are crimes).

This shit matters.

Working to expose and acknowledge the invisible struggles of others has a massively healing effect on the world on an individual level, as well as laying the foundation for policy changes at a level that can significantly impact our social and political climate.

Which is why I do what I do publicly, will continue to do so, and sincerely hope you’re on board to do the same.

Cheers, to making the invisible visible.

<3 Jessi

The post {#TransparentTuesday} “Victims” appeared first on Jessi Kneeland.

https://ift.tt/2LngT3X

#{TransparentTuesday} “Victims”

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albertcaldwellne · 6 years

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{#TransparentTuesday} “Victims”

Plus he really seemed to believe there was no difference in treatment or privilege between the sexes.

This is one hazard of being single while doing what I do: when I talk about my work and mission, they frequently feel resistant and defensive, as if I’m blaming them or calling them out.

Luckily, I get that.

But the more I’ve learned about the history of systemic racial oppression in the US, the more I’ve been able to understand a few simple facts.

Fact #1: Racial injustice was invisible to me, because I was never directly affected by it.

Fact #2: By being white, I am in the position of relative power, so it’s easy to dismiss the experiences of black and brown people as less valid.

Talking to men about feminism often feels like this.

This is another lesson I learned from getting educated on race:

I will never understand the experiences or challenges of a person of color, and its not my job to do so.

As for the particular detail brought up by my date, I think it’s worth addressing here: is it helpful to “encourage people to identify as victims?”

First of all: sometimes yes, sometimes no.

More importantly though, there is a huge difference between the personal and the political; between individual healing and systemic change.

Let me offer you this analogy to help clarify the point.

This shit matters.

Which is why I do what I do publicly, will continue to do so, and sincerely hope you’re on board to do the same.

Cheers, to making the invisible visible.

<3 Jessi

The post {#TransparentTuesday} “Victims” appeared first on Jessi Kneeland.

https://ift.tt/2LngT3X

#{TransparentTuesday} “Victims”

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joshuabradleyn · 6 years

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{#TransparentTuesday} “Victims”

Plus he really seemed to believe there was no difference in treatment or privilege between the sexes.

This is one hazard of being single while doing what I do: when I talk about my work and mission, they frequently feel resistant and defensive, as if I’m blaming them or calling them out.

Luckily, I get that.

But the more I’ve learned about the history of systemic racial oppression in the US, the more I’ve been able to understand a few simple facts.

Fact #1: Racial injustice was invisible to me, because I was never directly affected by it.

Fact #2: By being white, I am in the position of relative power, so it’s easy to dismiss the experiences of black and brown people as less valid.

Talking to men about feminism often feels like this.

This is another lesson I learned from getting educated on race:

I will never understand the experiences or challenges of a person of color, and its not my job to do so.

As for the particular detail brought up by my date, I think it’s worth addressing here: is it helpful to “encourage people to identify as victims?”

First of all: sometimes yes, sometimes no.

More importantly though, there is a huge difference between the personal and the political; between individual healing and systemic change.

Let me offer you this analogy to help clarify the point.

This shit matters.

Which is why I do what I do publicly, will continue to do so, and sincerely hope you’re on board to do the same.

Cheers, to making the invisible visible.

<3 Jessi

The post {#TransparentTuesday} “Victims” appeared first on Jessi Kneeland.

https://ift.tt/2LngT3X

#{TransparentTuesday} “Victims”

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neilmillerne · 6 years

Text

{#TransparentTuesday} “Victims”

Plus he really seemed to believe there was no difference in treatment or privilege between the sexes.

This is one hazard of being single while doing what I do: when I talk about my work and mission, they frequently feel resistant and defensive, as if I’m blaming them or calling them out.

Luckily, I get that.

But the more I’ve learned about the history of systemic racial oppression in the US, the more I’ve been able to understand a few simple facts.

Fact #1: Racial injustice was invisible to me, because I was never directly affected by it.

Fact #2: By being white, I am in the position of relative power, so it’s easy to dismiss the experiences of black and brown people as less valid.

Talking to men about feminism often feels like this.

This is another lesson I learned from getting educated on race:

I will never understand the experiences or challenges of a person of color, and its not my job to do so.

As for the particular detail brought up by my date, I think it’s worth addressing here: is it helpful to “encourage people to identify as victims?”

First of all: sometimes yes, sometimes no.

More importantly though, there is a huge difference between the personal and the political; between individual healing and systemic change.

Let me offer you this analogy to help clarify the point.

This shit matters.

Which is why I do what I do publicly, will continue to do so, and sincerely hope you’re on board to do the same.

Cheers, to making the invisible visible.

<3 Jessi

The post {#TransparentTuesday} “Victims” appeared first on Jessi Kneeland.

https://ift.tt/2LngT3X

#{TransparentTuesday} “Victims”

0 notes