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fictionkinfessions · 1 year

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(Warning: this is going to be a lot heavier than most of my other confessions, and it contains mentions of lookism and ableism, disability erasure, verbal/physical bullying and the resulting trauma, and other uncomfortable subjects! Sorry if this is too much.)

Looks like I'm now just using this blog as a place to vent about my personal gripes with the Vocaloid fandom, huh?

Jokes aside, I really want to talk about a huge issue I see with how people portray me. It's not *as* common as the whole memelord thing, but I'd argue that it's a lot more harmful since it doesn't just affect me, but it affects people in real life who have birth defects, scars, skin conditions, or anything else along those lines.

If you take a look at any art of me drawn by Mikuma (my official artist!), one of the first things you'll notice is that my face and eye are... a little fucked up. I've seen a lot of different interpretations in the fandom of what they may be. For me personally, it's actually a birthmark that goes allllll the way down the right side of my body (and there's also a few lil spots on my left side), and that's what gave me my all-red eye as well, but I know that's not canon-canon, and I enjoy seeing the different ideas people have, especially if they're another me! (Fellow Fukases RISE UP)

However, the problem comes when people decide that these things are "too hard to draw" or "look too ugly" or whatever, so they just. Get rid of those things and draw me like Some Guy™. I don't look like that irl, but it still makes me extremely fucking uncomfortable for reasons that I'll clarify in a minute.

Like I said, I was born looking like this. When I was little, a lot of other kids were either scared of me and avoided me like the plague or they just straight-up bullied me, all because I looked the way I did (well, there were other factors too, like my autism or the fact that I'm trans, but the birthmark was most of the issue). I hated myself for such a long time because people acted like and told me that I was ugly, so it made me feel ugly, too. Whenever I tried to talk to someone, I felt like I had to cover my face so they wouldn't get grossed out and run away. I'd get anxious to the point that I wouldn't be able to talk because I didn't want to accidentally draw attention to myself and have people stare at me. It was awful.

Eventually, it all culminated in something that I honestly don't remember too well. I think I was about 8 years old, it was during recess, and there was this group of other kids that I was talking to, for some reason. Things were fine for a while, but then (HUGE TW FOR PHYSICAL ABUSE IN THIS NEXT PART!!!) one of them threw me onto the ground, and they all started kicking me. Most of it's a blur, but I clearly remember them screaming at me to die and calling me a fr//k, over and over again. They just wouldn't stop. I had to be dragged away from them. I'm convinced that they would've killed me if they had the chance.

Obviously, that affected me a lot. You know how I have a cane in my canon design? That's because my spine got all fucked up from that incident, and it still hurts to walk sometimes, so I use that to help when my back acts up (ironically, I have chronic back pain irl too, but it's less severe and mostly due to genetic reasons). I can't hear the word fr//k even in passing, or I start panicking because of it. It's especially bad in-character, but it also makes me uncomfortable irl.

What does this have to do with people drawing me without my birthmark and red eye? Well, basically, what I'm trying to say is that by getting rid of those things, they're erasing the trauma that I've had to deal with because of them.

Not to mention, you think it's bad for me? I've only dealt with this kind of thing in-character. The bullying I've dealt with irl was for completely different reasons and nowhere near as bad. I can only imagine how people who actually have to deal with this kind of harassment feel. Every other Vocaloid released previously and since have basically been flawless picture-perfect anime characters, and when someone like me finally comes along, someone that people with deformities/blemishes can potentially see themselves in, people bash me for being "ugly", "overly detailed", or "too hard to draw". How are those people supposed to feel about that? At the end of the day, I'm just a singing computer and I can't say anything about this, but it goes a lot deeper than that, and I know my pity is the last thing people want, but it makes me sick. It's not just about me; it's a bigger problem within not just the Vocaloid fandom or even fandom spaces in general, but society and its toxic beauty standards as a whole.

Wow, fuck, sorry for the essay. This issue is obviously extremely important to me, so I wanted to go into as much detail as possible. I hope everyone reading this has a nice day/night/whatever time it is where you live!

-Fukase (please tag as otherhearted (although I'm starting to think it's a bit more than that?), #👁❌️🔴)

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#fictionkinfessions #otherhearted #👁❌️🔴#fukaseotherhearted #vocaloidotherhearted #lookism cw #ableism cw #abuse cw #bullying cw #fandom issue #fanart issue #violence cw #physical abuse cw #mod party cat

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fictionkinfessions · 1 year

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(Undirected vent post, proceed with caution)

I feel like such a hypocrite sometimes. Who am I to complain about being portrayed as an asshole when I really do act like that? How am I going to be upset about people not treating me like a person when I'm so focused on my own needs that I forget about other people? I get that I have some serious mental health issues, but that doesn't excuse anything, does it?

My entire life is just being paranoid that people are out to hurt me, lashing out at people I care about because of it, apologizing over and over again until they're sick of it so I can get some sad excuse for closure, continuing to let me wrongdoings eat me alive, and rinse and repeat.

I'm tired of pretending I'm any better than what my fandom makes me out to be. It hurts, but I'm beginning to realize that they're right. I really am that insufferable to be around.

-Fukase

(Please tag as otherhearted, #👁❌️🔴)

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#fictionkinfessions #otherhearted #👁❌️🔴#vocaloidotherhearted #fukaseotherhearted #mod party cat

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fictionkinfessions · 1 year

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People: ohhhh why do you have so many more headcanons for Fukase than any other Vocaloid ohhhhhh why does all of your content focus so much on him ohhhhhhh

Me, internally: They don't know it's actually me 👀👀👀 (well not really but kind of but also no but also technically yeah idk it's complicated)

-Fukase (please tag as otherhearted, #👁❌️🔴)

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#fictionkinfessions #otherhearted #👁❌️🔴#fukaseotherhearted #vocaloidotherhearted #headcanons issue #mod party cat

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fictionkinfessions · 1 year

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Hey, in response to Twilight Sparkle and the current ask game it's... a lil complicated?

In-character, I see myself and the other Vocaloids (and other vocal synths as well) as like AI? We all lived in this lil virtual computer world that's pretty close to the real world, but all of us were also coded to be distinct species beyond AI as well? For example, most of us (including myself) were programmed as humans, but there are a few exceptions! Let me list off everything I know off the top of my head, because it's interesting!

There's a lot of robots. For example, there's Piko, Miki, I think SeeU was one, and a few others?

The PowerFX Family are all some sort of monster. Sweet Ann and Big Al are Frankenstein's-monster type things, Oliver's a ghost, Hio's a vampire, I think Ruby was just a normal human who happened to be a witch, Aurum was a demon, and I forgot what Audine was, but I think she's like some sheep-person-creature thing?

I'm not exactly sure what Mizki (Vy1) and Yuuma (Vy2) are, but all I know is that they can turn into a paper fan and a kodachi sword respectively, like the things on their irl box art.

Everything that's considered "canon" is still there too, I think. Lapis and Merli are faeries, Tianyi's an angel, Lumi's a jellyfish-goddess thing, Hime and Mikoto are "plum blossom spirits" (whatever that means idk), Avanna's an elf, and so on and so forth.

Sorry for the long list! I really really really like sharing stuff about my in-character world!!! (I guess that's what I'm gonna call it for now because I'm still not sure if for a hearttype it would be my canon or just headcanons or what lmao)

-Fukase (please tag as otherhearted, #👁❌️🔴)

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#fictionkinfessions #otherhearted #👁❌️🔴#fukaseotherhearted #vocaloidotherhearted #canon species #robots cw #sharps cw #mod party cat

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fictionkinfessions · 1 year

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You know what? I feel like I'm too negative on here sometimes. I wanna be wholesome, god dammit!!! I will now proceed to give some shout-outs to Various People I Enjoy Being Around™ bc why not (not based on any memories because I don't have any, but actually like??? Headcanons I have for myself??? Is that a thing you can do as a hearttype???)

Of course I have to mention the entire Meme Squad!!! Flower, Piko, Oliver, Len, Moke, and Rin, you guys all rock!!! I wish I had friends like you guys irl. I really really really appreciate you guys putting up with me :)

I'd also like to mention my family (particularly my brother Arsloid, my sister Akikoloid-chan, and my mother-figure/aunt Sachiko)!!! I know I'm not much of a family guy (ahahaha I said the name of the funny show), but I really do appreciate you all being there for me! My irl family is cool and all, but I kinda prefer y'all ngl /hj

Obviously this list wouldn't be complete with out Point!!! My little guy!!! My scrunkly scrimblo!!! My little beast!!! I'm not sure what the hell Point is supposed to be but whatever he is I wish I was able to have him irl because he's so cute and sweet and I love him sm 🥺 (obviously /p!!! otherwise that would be extremely weird lmao)

Also last but certainly not least I'd like to give a very super special shout-out to my boyfriend Yohioloid!!! I may be single as hell irl, but he makes me feel so so so loved and appreciated and like I actually mean something and omg I feel like I'm gonna cryyyy I love you so much Hio and I wish I could actually see you irl waaaaaaaaugh 😭 /r (guys I really love Hio can you tell I love him have I made it obvious enough /rh)

Uhhh yeah that's about it. Sorry I got all sappy and romantic and shit near the end, but I just want to spread some love for my peeps!!!

-Fukase (please tag as otherhearted, #👁❌️🔴)

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#fictionkinfessions #otherhearted #👁❌️🔴#fukaseotherhearted #vocaloidotherhearted #chara love #mod party cat

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fictionkinfessions · 1 year

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Being a semi-popular yet underappreciated character who happens to have extreme anxiety irl is fun, actually /s

So basically. What's going on is I'm on this Vocaloid bracket??? And it's a really close battle rn and I'm starting to get genuinely scared because I've always hated competition and every time I lose a poll like this it goes to my head and I start to feel like nobody likes me and they only see me as a meme or some shit :')

I'm trying not to make it too obvious on my main blog because it really shouldn't be that deep and I don't want people to make fun of me (more than they already do in-character), but I'm just *really* stressed out :(

Also, shout out to any Ruby kins/fictives/hearts/etc! Idk if there's any of her out there, but that's who I'm up against in the poll, so I just want to wish her good luck. You're cool as hell and I love you!!! /p

-Fukase (please tag as otherhearted, #👁❌️🔴)

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#fictionkinfessions #otherhearted #👁❌️🔴#fukaseotherhearted #vocaloidotherhearted #fandom issue #mod party cat

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