#unfortunately scar also said later on that he doesnt think he would be able to travel to yellowstone again unless his breathing improves | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

horner88breen-blog · 5 years

Text

Can One Truly Leave the Sex Industry

Inside my 5-6 years in the escorting world, I just need seen one woman completely get out of the sex industry. Others, a small minority, may leave apparently industry but typically revert back to selling themselves after a few weeks/months/years. I will never forgot the words, Shell be back, said along with a Madame (brothel/escort business owner) at an establishment I worked at overseas. Consider the 63 after a popular young woman decided it was her last day in the industry, and she wanted to do pursue her new normal job and boyfriend. Shell be backhow discouraging, yet later I realized how real the statement actually was. Paulina Leaving the information mill NEVER without war. Paulina is the only former-escort I understand who has left the industry entirely. She has managed so far successfully, but it wasnt easy at in the beginning. I came to know her intimately only after she left the industry and when she almost fell back to it. However, when she was still in the industry and we were working together we hardly mingled. Having been the odd girl who stayed away from the casual sex, drugs, and party scene, so generally she, like many working girls, found little commonality with my lifestyle. Paulina was a stupendous South America girl who immigrated towards the West at a young age. I witnessed her loss-of-innocence in her escorting days, which happens when she involved herself with heavy partying and living with another escort (a match for disaster). She ended up getting involved through expensive drug (cocaine) habit, which looks the drug of choice for elite escorts/clients. Thankfully, her experimenting phase was short-lived, and ended in one year. One thing that Paulina and I have done have in common was our conflicting values of traditional and modern. She was raised on the inside West, yet she still held on to her traditional South American values (her cultural values conflicted with the individualistic, care-free values she was living as the prostitute). Selling sex is often not problematic, but rather the lifestyle frequently related to high-class prostitutes is damaging (excessive partying, excess shallowness). She'd quit the industry, and completely got away from drug treatments and partying. She called me from your nowhere one day, and wanted to. At first I couldnt discover why she would suddenly want to meet me, but later she told me that I was the only person she hoped to trust from this industry. In her view, I was someone who probably would not tempt her back up in her bad habits, yet I could relate to her because I was an escort overly. I was flattered, and determined to help her stay off from prostitution, even though I wasnt in order to leave myself. She had deep emotional scars from being a prostitute, and think it is hard confide in anyone. She had met a lovely man, but he previously had no idea about her past and she or he wanted to maintain it to remain that way. Whenever she got depressed or felt the urge to return to selling herself, she called me for comfort. I havent seen her in over one year, since she lives overseas where That i used to live. Currently, she's still out of the business, and a wedding soon to the love of her lifetime. She is my hopebecause if she could continue to be away from the industry, then a genuine effort . hope. Unfortunately, it is extremely easy to fall back into prostitution The pattern Ive observed has become common: women leave the industry to pursue love, and they return when that love failed. Another woman I am aware did quit the industry, however she recently admitted that she is returning to escorting. Why? Because she broke up with the person she wanted. Months ago I remember her saying If I wasnt with my boyfriend, then I would personally still be selling myself. This is classic of women trying to depart the industry, and perhaps the most depressing part of computer. Over the years, I met countless women whove returned to prostitution after a failed relationship. Well known girls say they wasted their youth in their failed relationships when they might have been essentially exploiting their youthfulness by selling themselves. During the night these women return to sex work, their hearts are dented. Yes, I have seen many broken hearted women returning to selling their bodies, yet sadly it looks like theyve also lost their souls. When falling in love with a potential partner, an escort to be able to ask herself: Is he worth this method? Is love, itself, enough to quit her autonomy and employment? The men she rejects are individuals cannot leave her with financial freedom, even though they may be willing to adore and treat her decent. Other escorts choose the latter, which is to avoid relationships altogether and focus on man or women. How often do escorts leave the industry when a man is NOT in photographs? I have yet to stumbled upon a prostitute who leaves the industry sector for her very own intuition. Stick to ask myself this question: Do I would like to leave because I want love? Perhaps, as most of us desire love and global recognition. Sadly, acceptance is only granted when people conform to whats frequent. And of course, being a sex worker is out-of-the-norm in modern societies, thus furthering us beyond your societies embrace. But again, it doesnt have staying this form. There are people who fight these oppressive norms that marginalize sex workers its not a very bad thing to differ. But being outside the norms of society requires lots of strength. There is absolutely no social space allocated for prostitutes. As a result, we face tremendous pressure to adhere to the normative ways of living life (such as marriage, owning a home, etc). Although Used to quit for a short period when I realized i was engaged, I never mentally prepared myself that I've been finished is not industry. I still haven't. Its a question that Ive been avoiding to answer: when will I quit? Does an individual even to help quit? Would I remaining? I used to want to quit, and I told myself that I would personally quit selling my body after I'm finished my graduate data. Regardless, I dont feel that Im ready to make now. Enjoy aspects of my job, but I just do not wish the implications (the stigma, the degradation of the industry, the legalities, etc). Fear of leaving sex-work is unique. Escorts in Manchester of emotions. Im aware that the stigma is damaging me, but when times are great I tend to ignore the damage Im executing. At times, sex work doesnt appear like a problem for some escorts, and for others, it is deeply damaging psychologically. But overall, one cannot deny the problem of hunting live in the world where ones identity is constantly hidden and condemned. Social Darwinism, the idea that started this complete survival of the fittest competition among society is a false notion, the idea may be very real in modern society. Im aware that competition is simply a socially constructed concept, yet sadly I feel deeply pressured to engage in this race in society. I fear that if I dont sell myself, I will lose out in this particular competition. This is exactly what needs to change, I have to let go of the pressures of mainstream the population. Why do I want to participate this shallow competition primarily? This is increase in a cold society (Western-Liberal societies) that puts increased progress, individualism, competition, status, and monetary wealth. This is what drove me to the Social Sciences as an area of study: society deeply impacts how people think and react. I assign other reasons why I entered into prostitution on social stress. Once youre in the sex industry, it is very hard to depart. A woman I know is wanting her much better to pursue the usual job but admits she gets the pressure to get back escorting. Its too easy (escorting), and also the money is quick. Her mind, like most escorts, becomes tainted whilst haunting fact: a few hours or an evening of escorting can pay all the bills that would take 1-2 weeks of hard act on a normal job. Did any of folks imagine growing accustomed to our lifestyles? Did we ever imagine that wed donrrrt slave to our own addiction for fast-money? Of course not. A wonderful friend of mine is a former receptionist in intercourse party industry. She told me how she was inclined to become an escort, however she changed her mind once she saw the reality: escorts may make lots of money, but at the high cost of our emotions. Provides you with ask myself time and time againWas it this?

1 note · View note

louisdungo · 5 years

Text

FILM BLOG

...

Here are eight (8) films I have recently watched...

...

Maynila sa mga Kuko ng Liwanag (1975)

This film is directed by Lino Brocka and stars Bembol Rocco, Linda Koronel, and Tommy Yap. The film revolves around Julio Madiaga (played by Bembol Rocco), a young adult from the province who went to Manila to find a job and eventually found himself into a society in which he becomes hopeless while learning that his old flame, Ligaya Paraiso (played by Linda Koronel), is also within the city. The movie as a whole was engaging right from the start until the end and it is really a must-watch. I, for one, started to appreciate more of the local films after watching this movie, even the vintage ones before my time like the film Batch 81 by Mike de Leon. I think its good to see such original narratives from local films nowadays, considering the amount of film festivals that we have as of now -- but if you would think about it, there's no local film like any other when compared with Maynila. There were actually no characters from the film that you would not be interested in. I symphatized with the main characters especially with Julio, since every situation he comes across in the film was very harsh that he can't seem to do anything about them but instead, he would often run from it. The main protagonist, Ah Tek (played by Tommy Yap), was very subtle throughout the film because you wouldnt expect him to have such a big turning point to the story and for Julio as a character later in the final act of the film. I saw the film only with its restored version which was made possible by Mike de Leon, who is also the cinematographer of this film, and they did a pretty good job on remastering its cinematography. The audio was a little blown out even with its restored version but I was able to understand most of the dialogue anyway. Overall, Maynila sa mga Kuko ng Liwanag gets more and more intense every after scene and I think it deserves to be recognized by everyone.

The Birth of a Nation (1915)

This film is directed by D. W. Griffith and stars Henry B. Walthall, Lillian Gish, and Ralph Lewis. The film is centered around a family from the north and south of america during the civil war period and how they eventually became at war with each other that results with the birth of a racist and aggressive nation, hence the title of the film. This is an important part of the history of film since it is the very first feature length film with a narrative. However, the film was unessecarily three hours long, at least for me, and it is also a silent film as a whole in which I wouldnt blame the filmmakers for it, given the time it was made. The film eventually shows the main protagonist's descent into madness as is explicitly shows how the birth of the Ku Klux Klan came to be. I think it's not that controversial enough, based from some people who have watched the film, since it is somehow for the viewers to be aware not only of the history of the KKK but also to be aware of the impact on racism and how it is still relevant until now. The final act might be the most brutal part of the film since it shows how we, humans, can do something unimaginable. I think The Birth of a Nation, as a whole, doesnt fear to show the dark truth in which the society could possess towards people of color and it would be rather recommended for people who are interested in what the first feature film was like.

The Jazz Singer (1927)

This film is directed by Alan Crosland and stars Al Jolson, May McAvoy, and Yossele Rosenblatt. The story revolves around a boy named Jackie Rabinowitz who is interested in jazz and wants to become a jazz singer but his father (played by Yossele Rosenblatt) whom, is a cantor, is keeping him from doing so since tradition must be passed on to him. Years later, Jackie (played by Al Jolson) grew up and was able to follow his passion whilst finding love along the way and must decide whether to keep on being a singer or to stick with his tradition and stay with his father. The Jazz Singer is known as the first "talkie" film in which dialogue can be heard in the film, except there wasnt much scenes with actual speaking voice on it and can only be heard whenever there are scenes in which Jackie is finished singing. What I like about this film is the narrative and the acting. The story was simple yet well executed as a drama movie and Al Jolson steals every scene that he is on. The final act might be my favorite part of the film because it was riveting and sad at the same time which ended on a perfect note. In Jazz Singer, I learned how you can follow your passion wherever you see yourself fit despite what others tell you to be what they want you to be, and there's nothing wrong about it.

Citizen Kane (1941)

This film is directed and written by Orson Welles and stars also himself as the lead role, along with Joseph Cotten and Dorothy Comingore. The film focuses on the mysterious death of Charles Foster Kane (played by Orson Welles) in which a reporter is assigned to unravel the truth behind Kane's mystifying last words. I have to say, this film is far ahead of its time when referring to itsediting and cinematography. The story and especially its atmosphere is what I liked the most since I am more into the noir type of films, like Sunset Boulevard (1952). Every scene gets more engaging as you progress through its narrative. All the actors who took part did a brilliant job, but Welles made himself stand out among the rest of the cast. His portrayal of a man who was able to get everything he wanted, and wasnt really satisfied after all -- is beyond phenomenal.

Pink Floyd: The Wall (1982)

This film is directed by Alan Parker and Gerald Scafe and was written by one of the band members of Pink Floyd itself, Roger Waters. It stars Bob Geldof and it is a visual representation of the band's album of the same name. The story revolves around a man named Pink, a musician scarred for life who pondered on his childhood memories inside a hotel room and isolating himself from the society in which he symbolizes as a wall. This is actually the first album I have heard from the band and I started to appreciate more of their songs after watching the movie. It was captivating until the end since it is visually hypnotizing with all its twisted animations throughout the film, all thanks to Scafe's vision of the album. The way I see it, I think it shows how some people who happen to have a depressing upbringing could actually be forced into isolation and absolute madness all because of its noxious society that's surrounding them.

Hugo (2011)

This film is directed by Martin Scorsese and stars Asa Butterfield, Chloe Graze Moretz, Sasha Baron Cohen, with Ben Kingsley. The film is centered around an orphan named Hugo Cabret (Asa Butterfield) who is living inside a clock beyond the walls of the train station, and yet no one had any knowledge of who he is and where he lives. Hugo constantly works on an automaton in which his late father (played by Jude Law) had left him, not knowing that there is a secret message hidden within the automaton. Out of all the films Scorsese had made, this might be the only light-hearted one since most of his works are brooding and grounded. The film, as a whole, is well-directed. The story, the cinematography, the editing, every element evokes a youthful bliss. Hugo’s connection with the other characters is what simply made the film entertaining. The film also pays tribute to the first pioneers of film which can be quite educational in some way. I think every aspiring filmmakers should witness one of Scorsese’s masterpiece since it will make them appreciate and learn more of the filmmaking industry. Perhaps this film might be one of those reasons why I love filmmaking.

YIELD (2018)

This documentary is directed by Toshihiko Uriu and Victor Tagaro. It mainly documents the lives of nine (9) children namely Essam, Jason, Omar, Alex, Edralen, Glady Mae, Rommel, Ariel, and April as they endure child labor under the third-world conditions. Yield was somehow sad to watch since we get to witness some of the children’s deprivation of dignity which harms both their physical and mental state. This was not one of those typical documentary films since it is more observational – immersive, and no interview of some kind. Despite their hardships in life, some of them never yielded until they have reached their goals and some of them unfortunately never made it along the way. Yield was interestingly made in a span of five (5) years. I never really was interested in watching documentaries and maybe it depends on the subject matter, but this made me appreciate more of the alternative styles or modes in documentary filmmaking.

Batch 81 (1982)

This film is directed by Mike de Leon and stars Mark Gil as Sid Lucero in a brutal and grounded depiction of what newfound members of a fraternity has to undergo in order to become one of them. Basically the whole story revolves around Sid Lucero with six (6) of his other friends that decided to join a fraternity called the Alpha Kappa Omega (AKΩ) since they find it advantageous throughout their lives. As the film progresses, it gets more and more intense since their fate and friendship is immensely tested as there’s no turning back when joining the said fraternity. This is also one of the many Mike de Leon films in which it deals with the psyche of the Filipino people during the Martial Law years. It may not feel like a blockbuster-budget film but the story was powerful, all throughout. Batch 81 showcases how fascism has affected our human nature and captures our hunger for power wherein some people would tend to see themselves above everything else, and in that, it was a strong movie as a whole.

0 notes

inadeepanddarkdecember · 7 years

Text

[[ this is kinda rambly and piecemeal and out of order since its an edited convo off of discord from before cy’s heart got replaced, but i decided i wanted this Extra Large thalassemia infodump on my blog. go read this primer first for basic info on thal; cyrus’s form is beta thalassemia major. ]]

even with a perfectly healthy and functional heart, cy'd still have a too fast pulse and likely have arrhythmias; that comes with the territory of his anemia, and he could still develop heart failure again later in life. the problem with cy's current heart is that its been scarred to shit by the extra iron in his body from his blood transfusions and hes developed cardiomyopathy as a result, which at this point is virtually guaranteed to kill him before he turns 30, even if he takes perfect care of himself and never develops any other complications from his thalassemia ever (which aint fuckin likely). this failing heart just deals worse with arrhythmias he already has, especially under stress, and already struggles to keep up enough blood pressure.

bone marrow transplants are currently the closest thing to a cure for thalassemia we have and hellll no he has not had that done i doubt hes even on a waiting list. with his shit in the state hes in, its questionable if he'd even survive the process its pretty intense, nevermind the finances and healing and finding a match and even so much as qualifying to have it done.

cyrus goes in for a blood transfusion every three weeks. when transfusion dates get close, within a few days, hes more tired; he doesnt go out; he can be moodier; he can get headaches and dizzy spells. he feels best after a transfusion, then its just a slow decline till the date rolls around again. i tend to rp him within a week or two of being transfused most of the time simply bc its easier to get him out there interacting with people.

sometimes they coincide with transfusion dates, sometimes they don't, but he has longer appointments to check up on his other bodily functions every so often. theres general stuff, looking at his counts, then more specialized appointments to keep an eye specifically on his heart or check up on his liver and other organs as needed.

thalassemia by itself kills a person through not having enough blood to get oxygen around the body; this is solved through blood transfusions. chronic anemia means chronic transfusions. which would be fine! except chronic transfusions cause a build-up of iron in the body, and that shit is toxic and where the more fatal complications tend to stem from for thalassemia patients. also, being anemic means your body thinks it needs iron, so it's prone to absorb more from food than the average person, an added bonus. consequently, there are certain foods cyrus avoids. legumes, dark leafy greens, etc. look up any list of iron-rich foods, and thats a list of shit cyrus ought to be avoiding or indulging rarely. (funnily enough, these lists also are often advertised towards anemic people because those who arent transfused have the opposite problem.) part of his tea drinking habit is because tea inhibits iron absorption, along with he just likes it. coffee works too and he doesnt object to it, but he prefers tea.

another consequence of chronic transfusions is that you end up with a lot of old shitty dead blood cells in your system, and your spleen is left to clean it up. unfortunately, when faced with that much to clean, it can enlarge (splenomegaly) and become overactive (hypersplenism). so it starts removing healthy blood cells too quickly and too early, which can cause the anemic patient to need more blood when being transfused, which risks more iron, and not to mention its generally uncomfortable for the patient with the enlarged spleen. in short, this happened to cyrus, so his spleen has been removed. spleens, however, also play an important role in the immune system, so he was already kinda vulnerable as an anemic, but having no spleen makes him doubly at risk of infections. he takes antibiotics as part of his daily pharmaceutical regime.

during cold and flu season, docs tend to strongly suggest he wear surgical masks during school and whenever hes around a lot of people in public places, but he almost never does. he doesnt like the attention it gets him esp in school, but sometimes he'll do it when hes on public transit or anything. he does carry hand sanitizer with him a lot of the time tho

bc his immune system is fragile, he often goes in-patient for what would be minor sicknesses for us, esp if theres a fever. he tends to be hit hard by them, and being sick can make his counts plummet as his body tries to fight off the disease.

coming back around to iron related bullshit, iron overload is treated by iron chelation, for which there are mainly two medicines, deferoxamine and deferasirox, and cyrus uses the latter because i have never been able to find out enough goddamn information about deferoxamine. deferoxamine is the more common and cheaper of the two medicines; its injected subcutaneously over the course of 8-12 hours and has its own list of side effects and the process itself tends to be kinda painful from the accounts ive read. its done at home, often while the patient sleeps bc... well, when else are you gonna get a child to sit still for 8-12 hours. its definitely the one cyrus was on for a while, when he was younger. bc ive had a hellish time finding info on the pump used for deferoxamine and more about that medicine generally, cy’s currently on deferasirox. slightly different side effects, but otherwise does the same job in pill form.

thalassemia patients who've been cared for properly should be healthier than cyrus is. most patients his age havent had a heart attack already and arent dealing with heart failure, not yet. his parents have always struggled financially to keep up with his medical bills, but there was a time when he was still young that they still thought they could manage if they just worked hard enough. they were too proud to accept help, and he suffered for it. they eventually gave in but even then still struggled to keep up. sometimes a sudden unexpected change in insurance policy would fuck em for a while finanacially. so sometimes they'd not fill a perscription for a while or wait longer than they should to take him in-patient, hoping he might just tough out a cold or smth. sometimes he'd manage to do that and have abysmal blood counts next time he went in, and a couple of times he got so sick he was legit on death's doorstep by the time he got to the hospital and needed way longer to recover. sometimes cyrus would be too fussy about the deferoxamine and they didnt have the energy that night to force him to accept it or he'd turn off the machine himself after they left. not too often, he was pretty good about just accepting it and did most of the time, but it def happened more than a few times. and if it had already been activated, they couldnt reuse it and had to throw the dose out, in which case that was it he skips it no replacement they cant afford it not in the budget.

and because the effects of iron overload are long-term ones for the most part, it was easy to be like "ehh he seems fine for now". like, they knew the risks, but it was hard to see them as anything but so far in the distance as to be irrelevant. cyrus himself isnt great about the whole self-care thing either; his depression has helped nothing. he's been known to just flush or toss pills in a small spiteful act of rebellion, all his parents care about is that hes still alive and their money, and medicine's expensive, so wouldnt it just piss em off to throw it all away. he'll eat foods he shouldnt for similar reasons, along with just the pleasure of it. and sometimes he hits the sort of suicidal low where he just.... doesnt see the point. each dose he takes is a choice to keep living, and sometimes that choice isnt one he wants to make.

no one quite realized how bad he was tho till his first heart attack. he was so young; the docs dont rly know when hes skipping, so they werent watching too closely for the effects of it. and the damage his body took over time was amplified by his frequent stress. the heart and liver are the ones most affected by iron overload; his liver is somewhat damaged too, but thats not too bad yet, not as bad as his heart.

other little thal things: hormone levels can get super fucked. cy's puberty was a bit delayed, and his testosterone levels remain kinda low compared to average, so hes not as hairy as his genetics might otherwise dictate. he will never be able to grow a proper beard; it'll always be way too patchy and uneven. and despite what his touch aversion and other factors like stress and said low testosterone might lead you to believe, hes got a pretty strong sex drive, though he suppresses the hell out of it.

he was homeschooled for his first few years of elementary bc health concerns, but that couldnt be sustained bc of cost. so he rejoined public school since then. i wouldnt be surprised if his peers used his puberty delays against him, but i'd expect they were making fun of him less bc he was a late bloomer and more at his general girlishness, esp since this would also be around the time he was growing out his hair.

he has had people do the "lookit me ive befriended the sad disabled kid arent i good <3" schtick (which esp pisses him off bc its similar to shit melinda pulls) and hes met the people who try to be nice to him for three days then turn a 180 on him when he doesnt immediately cheer up and get all buddy buddy with them. and hence he now treats kindness from strangers with extreme skepticism, suspicion, and aggression. (thomas also feeds into this but ye) it scares off plenty of legitimately nice people who he could have befriended, buuut.

Oh, a couple Fun Facts I forgot to mention. bc anemia, he bruises easy and injuries generally take longer than normal to heal. And in part bc depression and in part bc meds are prone to fucking with his appetite, either killing it entirely or just making him nauseated, he tends to not eat enough and is kind of underweight. Melinda put him in charge of dinner most nights as part of a genuine good faith effort to ensure he's getting at least one good meal and get him home when he's supposed to be.

#meta #fun fact #medical #there are so many little ways his disorder has shaped his life #even if they dont appear too obviously when im writing him in actual threads #suicide mention #thalassemia

0 notes