#tiktok voice: it’s the religious trauma for me

[phantomghost]

∞ 👀💖

"we were born sick" you heard them say it

#i got a song which is just full with good lines #but this one really resonates with me ig #*tiktok voice* religious trauma check!! #asks #ask game #mutual <3

[transienttheologyproject]

CALL FOR ART BY TRANS+, NON-BINARY, & GENDERQUEER CHRISTIANS

​Are you a trans+ Christian with artwork (of ANY medium!) expressing your journeys in gender and faith? Would you like the opportunity to share your voice and experience with other trans+ Christians who may be struggling at the intersections of their gender and faith identities, especially amidst current transphobic Christian rhetoric? Look no further! Submissions due Friday 8/18 at 12:00 noon EST.

More information below the cutoff and on the project site! :) Please don't hesitate to reach me at [email protected] with any further questions!

The Transient Theology Project is an undergraduate research project focused on examining the intersections between Christianity, process philosophy, queer theory, and the lived experiences of trans+ Christians.

Given the ways in which non-cisgender identities and expressions have been understood as not only ‘abnormal’ but supposedly immoral in many Christian spheres, this research aims to offer a constructive theology which suggests that not only is it not immoral to be trans, but that transness is an actualization of what it means to be made in the image of God.

This project is critical and timely, especially due to the current onslaught of anti-trans legislation which directly impacts the quality of life for transgender individuals. This legislation, in tandem with anti-trans rhetoric, is understood to emerge from a particular fundamentalist notion of religious ethics; thus, this project aims to provide inspiration to trans+ Christians who may be struggling with reconciling their faith lives and gender identities within the current socio-political climate.

The main goal behind this project is to provide trans+ Christians with the affirmation that they don't have to choose between their faith and their gender identity. While many trans people have suffered trauma & abuse at the hands of Christian institutions & individuals, some have found that in embracing their gender identity, their relationship with God has been strengthened, and vice-versa. This project is meant to illustrate that those people aren't alone in that experience & that they don't need to pick between themselves and the God they believe in.

In an effort to be made as accessible as possible, rather than be presented in a formal, academic paper, this research will be compiled into a zine — a small-circulation, self-published magazine — that will feature art by transgender Christians and will aim to serve as a guide for those who are trying to navigate the tensions between their Christian faith and their non-cisgender identities and expressions.

Genderqueer Christians are invited to submit their art (of ANY and EVERY medium) to be shared in the zine by this Friday, August 18th at 12:00 noon EST. The link to the submissions form can be found here.

If you're cisgender and/or not Christian, consider spreading the word! Share us with any genderqueer Christian artists you may know, and stick around for more updates & the final zine release by following us on Tumblr, Instagram, and TikTok.

Thank you for your time and consideration!

#trans christian #transgender christian #nonbinary christian #enby christian #genderqueer christian #queer christian #queer christianity #progressive christianity #progressive clergy #trans christianity #transgender #trans #trans people of faith #trans catholic #transgender catholic #nonbinary #enby #genderqueer #christianity #christian #lgbtq christian #lgbt christian

[sarahshoots1st]

In defense of my angel lady

Because I have religious trauma and love strong female characters, so angels are my nectar and ambrosia

A lot of people - including Riot - like to vilify Kayle, portraying her as an example of taking justice too far, someone who executes the law with mercy or consideration for they greyness of morality. While I think that is a valid story to tell with a Justice-themed character, I think they're forgetting one important fact:

90% of the characters in the LoL universe are turds.

We've got fascist homophobes, expansionist imperialists, late-stage capitalists, drug-lords who are doing their best to imitate the aforementioned capitalists, god-emperors with enough hubris to doom a hundred Greek heroes, religious extremists enacting a "holy" war, a tentacle-monster who wants to beat the shit out everyone, a tentacle-monster who wants to assimilate everyone, a tentacle-monster that wants to disintegrate everyone, demons that revel in negative emotions, an incel who wants to control everyone via negative emotions, a lich-revenant who wants to send everyone to the shadow realm, a dozen different prime examples of toxic masculinity, a man who literally wants to watch the world burn, and a nihilistic sentient sword that wants to annihilate literally everything so it can finally know peace.

Given how many beings there are running around who very much so need to be smitten with a flaming sword in order to keep the innocent inhabitants of Runeterra safe, I would much rather see Kayle be portrayed as a cosmic defender of the planet rather than a merciless executioner. I sincerely hope Riot recognizes the appeal that some people see in a Captain Marvel-style character who can be called in to deal with threats that are too large for the main cast to deal with. The new card art in LoR where she's fighting Aatrox alongside Ryze gives me hope that they're at least considering this direction - which I personally think is much more interesting than "she's just hanging around silently judging everyone." The lore they gave her after the rework was very much along the lines of the Demacia-treatment of "we're going to make this stereotypically good-aligned-looking character/faction objectively evil so that are characters/factions will be 'nuanced'", which while interesting, was implemented all the subtlety of a Malphite Ult. That level of moral complexity requires nuance to properly execute, and one-page articles released whenever a new champion is added to the game isn't going to cut it.

The problem I feel with her current lore is that they seem to be implying that she views everyday inhabitants of Runeterra on the same degree of evil as the demon-bird-man who uses the Sith lightning and the Eye of Sauron to expand his empire. There is a lore justification for this - her father was slain by people who let their devotion to both her and her sister carry them too far. This opens up potentially-interesting story opportunities for what happens when justice is not blind and impartial - but again, that type of story requires nuance and detail. It requires being able to constantly see inside a character's mental and emotional state, to watch as their perspectives change over time in response to the pain and tragedy they experience. And with the way Riot is currently handling their lore, we don't get that kind of narrative. It's like trying to have a political debate in a TikTok comments section - you get none of the nuance and all of the extreme, straw-man positions.

So until Riot puts the time and effort into writing a book or some other form of media that could properly display a descent from "noble protector" to "bane of humanity" Avacyn-style, I hope they continue to bring her in specifically to deal with the champions who are creating problems, and don't sick her on the general population - which is what the lore and voice-lines surrounding her imply is completely possible. That kind of character is just a jerk, and not in an interesting way. Let her fight the people who truly deserve Justice.

Some of us just want to see the majestic winged-lady with the magical swords slay some evil, dammit.

#seriously how does anyone survive longer than a week on runeterra #kayle did nothing wrong #league of legends #league of runeterra #kayle #kayle lol #kayle league of legends #league of legends rant

[jalshristovski]

Hey all 👋

Just saw a TikTok post with a stitch of a person who is obviously in spiritual psychosis. For those who don’t know, spiritual psychosis is psychosis induced by spirituality, religion, a belief of something that likely isn’t there, and the like.

Many Christians notoriously fall into spiritual psychosis, hence why many people in churches ignore their own needs and the needs of others because of ‘god’s plans’ and other things.

These are the signs of psychosis by WebMD

- Warning signs before psychosis: It starts with gradual changes in the way you think about and understand the world. You or your family members may notice:

• A drop in grades or job performance

• Trouble thinking clearly or concentrating

• Suspiciousness or unease around others

• Lack of self-care or hygiene

• Spending more time alone than usual

• Stronger emotions than situations call for

• No emotions at all

- Signs of early psychosis: You may:

• Hear, see, or taste things others don’t

• Hang on to unusual beliefs or thoughts, no matter what others say

• Pull away from family and friends

• Stop taking care of yourself

• Not be able to think clearly or pay attention

- Symptoms of a psychotic episode: Usually you’ll notice all of the above plus:

• Hallucinations:

~Auditory hallucinations: Hearing voices when no one is around

~Tactile hallucinations: Strange sensations or feelings you can’t explain

~Visual hallucinations: You see people or things that aren’t there, or you think the shape of things looks wrong

• Delusions: Beliefs that aren’t in line with your culture and that don’t make sense to others, like:

~Outside forces are in control of your feelings and actions.

~Small events or comments have huge meaning.

~You have special powers, are on a special mission, or actually are a god.

Spiritual psychosis falls heavily into those lines but has absolutely become socially acceptable.

Looking at the comments of that TikTok video definitely made me think. Many spiritualists like witches and pagans, especially those with religious trauma from being ex-Christians, condemn Christians and their belief systems for how they act. For example, many Christians will tell people who are ill they don’t need medical care, rather they just need to let the lord do his work, or blow off mental health issues as work of the devil.

Many deny actual modern medical care for their own methods, allow themselves delusions of talking to entities that likely aren’t there, and maybe worse of all, a lot try to convince people with hallucinogenic disorders that they actually have a “vision” or the ability to talk to otherworldly beings.

This is problematic in many ways, but the biggest would likely be convincing people, for example those with schizophrenia, that their hallucinations are real. Some schizophrenic hallucinations are dangerous and self destroying. The belief these are ‘visions’ and not hallucinations is dangerous not only for the person with schizophrenia, but possibly the people around them as well.

It can also convince people with a dangerous mental disorder that they don’t need help, and can further delusions of being a higher power themselves, or talking to higher powers.

Before this comes off as me saying schizophrenic people or other people with disorders causing hallucinations are dangerous, quite the opposite actually. But the way many modern spiritualists talk to them and try to convince them of their own beliefs, it CAN become dangerous.

Talking to otherworldly beings is not normal, whether you’re religious or not. And if you believe you are having conversations with otherworldly beings, look at your behaviour.

Spiritual psychosis is real. Some signs of it would include

• Talking to otherworldly beings

• Shifting (it is lucid dreaming)

• Hearing voices (not induced by a mental disorder)

• Believing you are in a relationship with an otherworldly being

• Manifestation (specifically the belief in a power bringing something to you if you believe it hard enough)

Being religious or spiritualist, you cannot ignore obvious signs of mental illness. If you choose not to believe in psychosis, you’re likely to end up hurting yourself and others.

Check out these screenshots from the TikTok ↓

Remember:

You can be spiritual without it being psychosis, but there is a line that is easy to cross. Don’t ignore symptoms.

I’m not hating on spiritualists at all, being a pagan myself of course not. But ignoring provable facts does not make you a better spiritualist.

#Spiritual Psychosis #Religion #Spirituality #Paganism #Witchcraft #Pagan #Witch #Spiritualist #Psychosis #Mental Health

[mommycain]

Ethel Cain

ive been a big fan of Ethel Cain for a while now and it all started in 2020. shortly after discovering her, I began listening to all of the music that she made and it was weird because i've loved rock, metal, electronic, shoe-gaze and indie music and the artists that produce music of those genres, but i've never been so obsessed with someones music, the only ones that came close were deftones, nirvana, linkin park, breaking benjamin, in this moment, Chelsea grin, white chapel, son lux, and lorn. These bands / musicians meant a lot to me and still do, but i was never as in love with them like i am with Ethel Cain.

Growing up poor, gay, and autistic in southern Ohio (Wilmington OH) i was very isolated and ostracized by many. By the time i was a senior in highschool i had enough trauma to make a psychologists head spin, i was personally attacked by children and adults ever since i came out as gay at a very young age, sexually assaulted, abused in every way imaginable by multiple people, recovering from addiction, had multiple suicide attempts, multiple loved ones die, and helped raise my brother all before i was 18, so I really connected with many of the themes and lyrics in her music. I dont mean to come on here and dump all of my trauma on unsuspecting people, i just still cant believe there is someone out there that makes music that i can relate to on such a massive scale. I just want to give her a hug and thank her for existing in the same world as i do. The cliche of people saying "their music literally saved my life" always kind of bugged me, sure, some artists got me out of some dark moments in my life, but Hayden's music really did pull me away from self harm and suicide many times in my adult life. i want to sit down and just talk with her for hours and listen to her life story and thoughts. i know ... trust me i know, i sound kinda crazy, but i,ve just never felt this way about anyone's music except for her's.

Ive annoyed all of my friends relentlessly with how obsessed i am with her music and her as a person, and ive been spreading the gospel of Mother Cain as much as i can, but here are some deep dives into my thoughts about my favorite songs by Ethel Cain.

Earnhardt- 2020 / 2021.

This is the first Ethel Cain song i ever listened to. When i listened to Earnhardt for the first time, I felt seen, understood, and i was so confused as to why she wasnt more popular. This song had me in a chokehold and i still listen to it religiously, but anyways, Earnhardt really spoke to me when i first heard it and i fell in love with her voice and her mind while listening to this song. The betrayal and hopelessness in the lyrics and the theme of wanting things to get better but everything seems out of your control and only finding peace when thinking about your own death, it all spoke to me in ways i never imagined a single song could.

Michelle Pfeiffer- 2021

While i was scrolling on tiktok, i came across a video of Hayden sitting in a diner with her friend and i thought the whole vid seemed like a found footage film and i loved it, i started reading the comments and there were people saying that she was "running from the law" and "she killed someone i think and now shes fleeing her state", while i was confused, i went ahead and looked at her profile and saw that IT WAS HER, the one who made Earnhardt!!! my favorite song!!! so i went ahead and looked at other videos then stumbled upon a promotion for her new song: Michelle Pfeiffer and immediately listened to it. I was hooked ever since.

Ptolemaea- 2022

Yes, the song that puts the fear of god and or satan into the hearts of the mentally sane and cid-het men, as well as being an anthem to those that have been wronged by those same men. The feeling i got from hearing this song for the first time was extremely cathartic. the demonic and haunting voice of hayden at the end of the song is unnerving and devastating, when you hear it, it feels like a looming figure standing over your paralyzed / near lifeless body, and it wants you to let go and submit to it. The symbolism and poetry in Ptolemaea is something i admire to no end.

Hard Times- 2022

This song quickly became one of my best friends favorite songs, and i dont blame her, Hard Times is another devastating song that paints a picture of sorrow, trauma, insecurity, doubt, shame, and longing for stability and peace.

Dog Days- 2019

An almost lullaby about toxic relationships, full of pain and confliction. wanting to keep someone close to you no matter how much they hurt you, allowing them to hurt you because you can still see a glimpse of who they used to be, the person you fell in love with, excusing the abuse because they still show you affection from time to time, even when you know that loving them is only hurting you and you know it would be best to leave, you stay because no matter how hard you try, you cant help but fear the possibility that nobody will love you as much as they do. you know its poison, but youve been drinking it for so long you worry that life wont ever be the same without it. This is another song i relate to immensely.

Alright, ive been awake for over 37 hours now, so im gonna get some shuteye. i hope you found my crazed obsession amusing and or insightful, and i hope i dont look like a total psycho lmao, i just wanted to geek out and fangirl a bit because again ... i dont really feel this strongly about other musicians.

ps: Hayden ... Queen Ethel ... Mommy Cain ... if by some chance you see this, let me know! so i can die out of embarrassment in peace. thanks, love ya!

#ethel cain #mother cain #mothercain

[hightealowsociety]

The Serpent, the Lamb, and Ethel Cain

Ethel Cain (the pseudonym of singer-songwriter Hayden Silas Anhedönia) and her debut album "Preacher's Daughter" could not have come at a more perfect time, in a year where the New York Times was predicting a feverous religious revival amongst young hipsters and the teens of TikTok thirsted furiously for the resurrected Louisianan vampires of the late Anne Rice. Though Cain herself is no longer religious, she's said before that she connects to spirituality through music. Cain's music deals heavily with themes of Americana, Christianity, coming-of-age, violence, and trauma, cementing itself into the categorization of "Southern Gothic." On "Preacher's Daughter," these themes are all embedded into the overarching plot of the life and gruesome death of the character Ethel Cain, who runs away from her hometown of Shady Grove, Alabama in search of heaven - but finds nothing short of hell.

Cain's album opens with the haunting "Family Tree (Intro)," a track later reprised, where Ethel Cain likens herself to Jesus in the garden trying to reject his fate. But, as Ethel foreshadows with the lines, "The fate's already fucked me sideways / Swinging by my neck from the family tree," her demise is inevitable, and it all links back to her trauma as a child at the hands of her mysterious, abusive father, a Baptist preacher who died years before the events of the album. Later, in "Ptolemaea," taken from the one of the circles of hell in the Divine Comedy, a deep muffled voice proclaims, "Blessed be the Daughters of Cain, bound to suffering eternal through the sins of their fathers committed long before their conception." This harkens back not only to the actions of her deceased father, but the biblical murderer Cain, whose descendants all died in a great flood as a result of their father's evil, committed long before they ever existed. This line also toys with the concept of Original Sin. The sin of Adam - his rebellion against God's perfect design - was the "fall" of all human creation. According to theological tradition, God created us for a unique purpose - to be in full and loving communion with Him - and Adam, by trying to achieve his own kind of godhood and thus breaking this communion, cursed his descendants to forever toil in labor (both in work and in birth). Ethel was doomed from the start - as were we all, the second that the serpent told Eve to bite.

Ethel is cannibalized by her final lover, the murderous, abusive, pimping Isaiah Abram. Throughout the album, Ethel refers to herself with various symbols of innocence, sacrifice, penance, and Christ's love, such as a "sweet mourning Lamb," a clear reference to the Paschal Mystery. Jesus is called "the Lamb of God," because he let himself be slaughtered in loving penance for every sin ever committed, from the greed in the heart of the last human on the earth to Adam and Eve first tasting the forbidden fruit. Ethel is the murdered "freezer bride" (from the closing track, "Strangers," which never fails to make me sob in the final lines) of Abram, having taken his sins as her own as she questions over and over again if she was ever really good. In the Passover narrative, the flesh of the sacrificial lamb is eaten to give sustenance for the journey out of Egypt. At the Last Supper, Jesus gives his flesh as food from Heaven for the disciples to eat in memory of him. On "Preacher's Daughter," the nature of Ethel's death isn't neatly explained. It leaves the listener guessing why Isaiah is eating her corpse, a sentence that no matter how many times I listen to this album feels so deeply horrible and wrong to type out. Her death isn't given some greater purpose - it just is.

#entree #school post

[fortunawren]

lyrics iii

“LOST BOY” by Troye Sivan

I fell in love with this album circa 2016, and overplayed it so much that I lost interest but now it’s come back around to nostalgia??

My favorite lines:

“So what are you waiting for? Cause someone could love you more I'm just a lost boy, lost boy I say I wanna settle down Build your hopes up like a tower I'm giving you the run around I'm just a lost boy Not ready to be found.”

“Flightless Bird, American Mouth” by Iron & Wine

Twilight did this. We allllllllll know Twilight did this. I’ve had unrealistic standards for romance ever since Twilight entered my life in the 6th grade. I bit a kid once.

Anyway, lines:

“I was a quick wet boy Diving too deep for coins All of your straight light eyes Wide on my plastic toys Then when the cops closed the fair I cut my long baby hair Stole me a dog-eared map And called for you everywhere Have I found you? Flightless bird, jealous, weeping Or lost you? American mouth Big bill looming.”

“Carolina” by Eric Church

Eric Church wrote this song about North Carolina. Well, I’m a South Carolina girl so… and secretly the biggest hick. 👀 Honestly, this song puts me at ease and helps me reconnect with my roots when I’m feeling too far up in the clouds.

I’ve got two favorite sets of lines from this song:

“Sometimes I grow weary From going' all the time I love to take a minute Let you ease my mind I'd love to see my mama Maybe go for a drive But I got to play the star in some little town again tonight Don't get me wrong I love what I do It's just another song about missing you”

And, then, of course the chorus:

“Like a phone call from my baby Saying honey I miss ya, I miss ya like crazy Just like the song of a siren song Oh Carolina Carolina[x2] Keep calling me home”

“Easier Than Lying”

I loved that this song came up on shuffle. After my ex died, I had to come to terms with how bad the relationship was and honestly Halsey came out with this banger album full of rage and hurt and anger and realizations about the world. It really gave me clarity.

Especially because of this line,

“I sleep with one eye open and one eye closed 'Cause I'll hang myself if you give me rope I lost all my faith and lost all hope That everything means anything at all One eye broken and one eye bruised 'Cause I gave myself away for you You liar, you don't love me too It's easy for you after all Losing you is easier than Lying to myself that you love me.”

I said that last part like a manifestation, bruh. Over and over again.

“Peppers” by Lana Del Rey

This is a new song on my playlist largely due to TikTok, but I was thinking about some bad past behavior and feeling a little shame for it and I heard the lyrics to this song and it settled the religious guilt/trauma.

“Me and my boyfriend listen to the Chili Peppers We write hit songs without trying like all the time, all the time I take off all my clothes, dance naked for the neighbors I'm like, "Fuck it, gonna give a show," I open up the blinds I threw caution to the wind, get onto the bike Take a minute to yourself, skinny-dip in my mind I'm in love”

“Down” by Jason Walker

This song comes from The Vampire Diaries soundtrack. I don’t know what episode, but probably one horribly devastating where Damon is the sassy King that he is.

But I’ve probably cried to this song seven times in my life.

“Not ready to let go 'Cause then I'll never know What I could be missing I'm missing way too much So when do I give up what I was wishing for I shot for the sky I'm stuck on the ground So why do I try, I know I'm gonna fall down I thought I could fly, so why did I drown? I'll never know why it's coming down, down, down.”

Bonus: “Echo” by Jason Walker !!! It’s even sadder.

“Easy (with Noah Cyrus” by Demi Lovato

Wherever you stand with Demi, she has a beautiful voice. I personally think she’s been through more than a person should ever have to and that she’s reacting to her trauma and the media needs to stay off her back…but I digress.

Additionally, if you’re not following NOAH CYRUS please do. Her voice is lovely and her music is heart-wrenching.

Lines:

“The hardest part of leaving is accepting the reasons That somehow we keep repeating endlessly The hardest part of leaving is to hold the heavy breathing back (Ooh, ooh-oh-oh-oh) From showing you how hard it is for me (Hard it is for me) To make it look so easy.”

“Landslide” by Fleetwood Mac

If you’ve never seen that meme where it’s like, “One day you’re a child, and then the next the lyrics to “Landslide” finally resonate and you’re crying in a car wash” well….here we are.

This song has literally gotten me through so much. It provides some deep clarity if you’re receptive to the message.

“I took my love, I took it down I climbed a mountain and I turned around And I saw my reflection in the snow-covered hills 'Til the landslide brought me down Oh, mirror in the sky What is love? Can the child within my heart rise above? Can I sail through the changin' ocean tides? Can I handle the seasons of my life?”

“Lookalike” by Conan Grey

My shuffle is clearly refusing to give me any happy songs, and I desperately want to be in a better mood. THAT BEING SAID, Conan is amazing.

Lines:

“And I'll admit that I sometimes, maybe, might Think about you at night, well, almost every night No matter how I try to hide And erase you from my mind I'm dying To find a lookalike 'Cause when you look in his eyes Hope you think of mine And when you look at that smile Hope I cross your mind I hope in your head You see me instead 'Cause you've been in mine every day since then Maybe it's time to find a lookalike No, I can't lie I need a lookalike”

😭😭😭😭

“Hard Feelings/Loveless” by Lorde

THANK WHATEVER HIGHER POWER THAT THIS WAS THE NEXT SONG. If you haven’t been entranced by Melodrama yet, what are you waiting for? “Green Light”, “Writer in the Dark”, “Sober II”—I OWE IT ON VINYL.

So, this song is technically two songs. It had a shift, which I absolutely love, so we’re going to do two sets here.

Set one:

“'Cause I remember the rush when forever was us Before all of the winds of regret and mistrust Now we sit in your car and our love is a ghost Well, I guess I should go, yeah, I guess I should go Hard feelings These are what they call hard feelings of love When the sweet words and fevers All leave us right here in the cold Alone with the hard feelings of love God, I wish I believed ya When you told me this was my home”

I mean…she’s amazing.

And set two:

“We're L-O-V-E-L-E-S-S generation L-O-V-E-L-E-S-S generation All fuckin' with our lover's heads, generation Bet you wanna rip my heart out Bet you wanna skip my calls now Well, guess what? I'd like that 'Cause I'm gonna mess your life up Gonna wanna tape my mouth shut Look out, lovers.”

Anddd that’s all.

#romance #booktok #song recs #music recs #music suggestions #music #lyrics #lyric quotes #lyric posting #lyric art #quotes #poems #poetry and quotes #lorde #halsey #Taylor swift #troye sivan #conan gray

[chinzhilla]

musical tag! rules 🎶 :: when you get this, list 5 songs you’ve been listening to & tag people

thank you for the tag rowan @sollucets!! i am always looking for an excuse to talk about music <33

i used this song in this edit recently and it rekindled my love for this album. not that that love ever waned that much cause it's like. foundational to who i am as a person

another throwback and not to be an asshole but in college i got to see rks at this tiny historic club when they were still teeny tiny and now shitty acoustic covers of their songs are being used in tiktoks. so

i've had this album on repeat for months. picked this track because of the queer religious trauma + sick harmonies in the second verse

i need to listen to more of caroline cause every song i know by her fucks but i love how cinematic this one is also her VOICE

måneskin's english tracks have gotten steadily better but i still tend to like their songs in italian more and this is my fave off rush!

not tagging anyone cause this took me longer than i expected and i have to run out the door but if we're mutuals i really truly wanna see your picks so do it and tag me if you want!!

#shoutout to the loneliest also off rush i almost chose that one. boy do those kids know how to write a rock ballad #tag games #bon.txt

[nochi-quinn]

campaign 3 episode 53: what a load. what a load of. a load of b

we never should have given sam the power of pre-recording

matt said if they're gonna make me do a movie ad I'm doing it in the goofiest way possible

I apparently need to watch that 4sd, shortonegaming keeps streaming on tuesdays so I missed it

laura squinting at the prompter

well-oiled machine

I need someone to report on the texture of that blanket

I do NOT have the money for it but god do I want it

aabria has claimed the blanket

"oh shit I bited the robit"

"no wait I'm mad at you"

I am fully walking around looking for my crochet hook during this lsdkjfls

half fucked-up, half fuckable

oh, having to make sure an area is safe for "our kind" is. hmm.

dial it back, is what I'm getting at

starlight express

werefaun

just tendiiiing

(tiktok references nobody but me understands)

HA

(found my crochet hook)

mental whisper gossip network

"can I have advantage?" "just 'cause?"

deanna can only be heard by dogs

"I fall asleep" mood

I am begging matt to just say "houses"

"how long have you lived here?" "what a fun question"

"roll vibe check"

department store junes showed up here last december and proceeded to devour all our economic slack

"there's too much stuff in my brain, sometimes it just jumps out!" mood

imogen :(

travis: sheepishly nothing motherfucker 🔪🔪🔪

oh my god you can't just ask people why they're fauns

"alimony payment"

tilda swinton

I typed it as they were saying it lkadjfls

uwuessa

(fun story, my partner had uvulitus, but when I texted his wife about it she immediately sent back "UWUITIS?" so that was my twitter name for a while)

surely it's common knowledge that he's been under investigation

"we don't just have a druid part of the city!" why not, vasselheim does

"I don't know to be offended by that phrase"

oh. oh shit. hm. don't love that.

"I found a bag of skittles in a desk drawer and I've done nothing but eat the whole bag"

oh shit does trent's collar still work?? like I know that's small potatoes comparatively but

chetney looting like in tlou

mines? mines collapsing? ungood?

"you just hate gluten as a person?"

hmmm. unlike.

from within the palace?

BULLETS COME DOWN

"you're light an orym!"

okay I now actively dislike fcg

or at least the way sam is playing him currently

maybe I just have religious trauma idk

statue?? cursed statue???

all I'm picturing is a silver lynel

rogues are whatever

wait like zerxus' griffon?

I actually looked it up lmao, it's what the Savalirwood used to be called

she's not gonna heal you bro

oh that's a cool mini, I hate it

your badge, show him your fuckin badge!

are they within ten feet of me

"did you just roll a bunch of dice?" "no, I'm looking for more d10s" "MORE d10s?!"

jeSUS

[travis voice] there's too many diCE TO ROLL, MARISHA

oh wow, she showed him her fuckin badge

okay somebody draw the wall street bull

"and because you're fearne"

"I think frida's falling in love with fearne" "who doesn't?"

I love when travis' internal notes kick in

I think I might love umudara

a good boy!

"you made me sit between my exes and my dice are nervous!"

extra calming of extra emotions

cast valium

when you hide for three hours after going on a rampage in skyrim

I love her

"you passed everything"

can I just state how extremely HERE I am for the concept of all the old creatures and myths and mystical beasts coming back

The Magic Comes Back my beloved

"it might not be there anymore but we don't know that"

…what if what fucked up the savalirwood gets unfucked too

everything's on the table! total setting shift!

#critical role #spoilers #crititag #liveblog #reaction post

[user1888]

heres something i wrote in an attempt to be like the song “how to never stop being sad”- dandelion hands

tw- struggles w food, depression, panic attacks sh, slight mentions of abusive. suicidal thoughts, religious trauma, vomit

not to sound dramatic but i think im depressed, i think i need help.

i see my friends post all these tiktoks saying “i hate my life” and i always think i should do it, yknow as a cry for help.

“no youre exaggerating, dont belittle other peoples problems with your attention seeking”a voice in my head would always say

but my friends need to know that they don’t understand how i feel sometimes. they don’t see how i act everynight and how i try not to pass out as i stand up.

they dont know the side of me that didnt eat or drink for days, they dont know the side of me that would hysterically cry with a razor in my shaking hands as i scroll through the news. i never actually cut back then. i was too weak. it was just a procedure

i feel so guilty for not helping anyone. my mind flashes to when id pull allnighters so i could keep an eye out to see if one of my friends was alive. my mind flashes to today when i try help the “weird” girl in my clsss establish what is normal in a family and what is abuse. what is right and wrong.

am i wrong for writing this? i feel i am. i feel awful for complaining that no one notices when i believe others need more help anyway.

“youre not sad i am!” replays in my mind as im holding my leg in a futile attempt to stop the blood. i hate cutting. i loved it at first and now i dread it. some twisted part in me wont let me stop. i deserve it. ive let my life go to shit and this is the cost.

sometimes i thinn all my struggling is down to god. if i believe in him anymore. sometimes i think that im only “christian” because im scared of what will happen if i dont. sometimes i cut for god after thoughts like these.

i read my bmi scale “overweight” it reads. i wipe my tears with a trembling hand snd go downstairs to eat. cant let anyone notice. cant let anyone know im weak. i throw up after and dont eat for the rest of the night.

i hate food. i claw at my stomach before every shower, wondering what id look like without it all. “oh no i love my body look at this ass” i say to anyone who asks if im insecure.

im lying

im such a fucking liar. it can be anything. some lies aren’t even necessary. my friends think i cant lie. ive told them such. another lie.

panic attacks are more frequent again. no one really knows. i dont mention them like i did last year. i clamp a hand to my mouth as my chest heaves and the tears dont stop, anxiety is hugging my lungs and not letting go. at least im crying. cryings got harder suddenly. i dont really know why. i was such a cry baby when i was younger. when i hit my knee id be sobbing for hours. its odd now how i miss life back then.

i hate life now. i want to die. i cant commit though because im not a good christain. id go to hell. i cant go to hell.

a disgusting part of me wants to try suicide. not to suceed, i want to fail. so people know i need help.

ive created fake worlds in my head to try escape from everything else. in my fake world im happy.

being happy seems exhausting. i need to get better but i seek comfort in the hole of depression.

depression, the word i told myself id never use. “too much of a big word for your little problems”.

not to be dramatic of course

#i'm sad #vent? maybe #writing #i hate myself #Spotify

[heyitsmarysblog]

You are a fighter and warrior, you’ve got this Mary…

I have to admit that this pandemic really hits me the hardest and i do believe i already shared about this but right now i am finally slowly step by step having the courage to share and speak again.

I know that there where a lot who has been shocked about my sudden change what happened to “ica” where is “ica” to start it off i know i’ve already said this but i will said this again start calling me Mary because just as i said i am Mary.

I know for years i kept saying to addressed me as “ica” and now here i am telling you to addressed me as Mary because that’s my name not ica going back to that question to what happened to “ica” and where is “ica” the encourager and on fire why the sudden changes.

With this article or post your questions will be answered bare with me because this is a novel article or post i hope you stay till the end of this article or post so let’s start i was supposed to make a vlog about this stuff but i just couldn’t find the time and courage to vlog it that’s why i choose to write this way.

Answering the questions what happened during the pandemic where there is ecq, gcq and mecq all those stuff my faith and beliefs has been shaky in the latter part i was still worshipping, praying and devoted to God with my relationship with Jesus i was praying for my uncle but also depression hits me not only that i did several attempts and thoughts yes you read that one right and clear.

Off course i went with my silent battles i tried but i got lost of tracks i started developing trust issues that’s why i had a hard time to reach out to my support group, my mentor and spiritual families you all knew how religious i am back then i also know i dissapointed a lot even God because i was the encourager and active one yet i went and been through depression.

Why? I’ve been caught up and i’ve got a lot of loads in my plates my traumas from the past, family, trust issues, my horrible traumatic experiences, the bullying, rejection, my encounter and how i was treated on my former church, frustrations, anxieties, insecurities and depression even the unforgiveness in my heart.

Yes there where a lot who where and was been there but because of my trust issues i really had a hard time reaching out i remember how i ended up isolating myself how i diverted my attention watching netflix and kdrama series, karaoke, tiktok, working out.

As i watched 13 reasons why and finished every season i thought of myself i should have done the same thing “Hannah Baker” did a decade ago because what her character portrays almost the same of all the things i’ve been through how i was been bullied in high school, the embarrassment and humiliation i encountered due to the malfunction of my costume, how i was been entitled “darna” and been in a issue that i was been a third party which i was never was.

When how was this transferee student and his troup and the rest of the curriculum in our batch bullied me when he humiliated me by saying in front to our advisory class and our classmate that i was the first to get married and be pregnant on our batch one of the reason why i vow that i will never get married or be pregnant (because my uterus is inverted and i am not having any period) how my english teacher when i was freshmen humiliated me just because i was the only girl got the zero score on the quiz and when my specialist told me i have no talent maybe she’s right i couldn’t sing or dance just a frustrated singer and dancer i know it’s obvious.

How this transferee student when i was in high school in senior year humiliated me just because i got no choice but to cheat in our exam because i know nothing about the spanish class, how i was been underestimated during college and basically been bullied as well and when they told me if ain’t drinking that beer they wouldn’t help me with the dance steps anymore because it’s true that i don’t dance believe it or not you may see me with my tiktok dances where i am a trying hard it’s my bestfriend influence why i am in tiktok but in regards to dance or dancing i couldn’t do it i actually have a traumas with that as well even myself i am shock that i am dancing where clearly i am not a dancer.

I would say that maybe my specialist was right when she said i have no talent because i couldn’t sing, dance or even play piano or guitar i wanted to i tried and no i am not intelligent i suck in math real bad my english? Nah even though i write and vlog i barely have 66 subscribers and no readers my childhood dream that i couldn’t reach even my audition in pbb yes i widthraw my audition this year it also made me frustrated while i see someone i know reach and achieved her dreams don’t get me wrong i am sincerely happy i also know she been through lot before she reached it but i couldn’t help not to feel insecure plus i never got any moral support from my family with the things i wanted to pursue and achieved.

I choose to cut my ties to all my classmates and batchmate of high school and college i only have communication with my grade school buddies why because it frustrate me how successful there it’s been a decade yet here i am baby sitting my nephew still jobless that’s why i never involve myself with any forms of reunion not unless it’s my grade school buddies all of these hits me including my horrible traumatic experience when i almost got rape not just once but twice.

Among those two the one that was traumatic most is what i encountered 5 years ago although the person is already in heaven maybe and how i was been called a slanderous and how they sugar coated me i thought i already let go of all these things but i was wrong it even left me with the thought knowing that i am a 8 months premature baby and being in depression i wished that i didn’t survive knowing how and what i’ve been through for the past 25 years of my life.

Having depression and with these thoughts i only had my bestfriend and cousins with me also loosing my one and only close auntie on the day of Valentine’s Day everything started to fall apart i tried fighting this battle silently where i would cry it all out to God but one day i just find myself the fire and passion got lost i stopped worshipping and praying even doing my devotion a lot has triggered me being ghosted by whom i thought gonna be my first and last after what i experienced and encountered the wall that the person broke where i thought i already knew my value and just enjoying my season having a good testimony it was broken i stumble and fail.

Where i thought that my heart is renewed it has been cold and hardened again the walls and bricks became triple a lot of people thought this is the only reason why i have depression yes it is a part and one of the reason but it’s not just it although this person ask for forgiveness but at this point i can’t because of everything i was in pain and hurt with the words that this person or “taurus” couldn’t accept my bad sides and got tired where “taurus” was the reason there is a huge differences between seriousness and sureness i should have known.

With these i did and been through a lot of things that i am not proud i know i was and i am a failure and dissapointment to my mentor, support group, spiritual families specially to God i kept resisting and running away, avoiding His presence i diverted it in a wrong i started having vices (alcohol, tried to smoke, pornography, cursing) my anger management and temper i even went to psychiatrist i only had one meeting because i don’t have my own money and i was only able to buy few pieces of my medicines during those moments i thought and i can already feel that it was God the whole time why i couldn’t consitently do it.

However i’ve been resisting it my heart is and was been cold and hardened even though His been using a lot of people and that i can still feel His presence yet i run away and avoided everything i committed sins curses and cursing, vices (alcohol and smoking) went through a bar been watching porn and porn sites i even installed apps about horoscope listened through music and songs that are not worship i downloaded different genres of songs, watching adulting stuffs and series various of vlogs.

My mindset changes a lot with a thought of my preference changed somehow due to my horrible traumatic experience and encounters of rejections towards men i even downloaded apps and create various of dating profile accounts which i am not even active then i ended up deleting everything and installed bible app it’s been 2 years the last time i open my bible and have my devotion i even threw away on the river the bible that was been gifted to me of the one who ghosted me.

I am left with the question that can i still go back? Will i be still accepted and forgiven even i myself still can’t forgive and forget or even let go before this pandemic i wanted to ran away to be in Manila that’s the only place i wanted to be with even those moments when i was been bullied i didn’t want to see or face someone i knew but i always ended up being with the same circle of my past one thing i regret is that if only i was really be courageous enough to speak up and face confrontations i always run away and avoid.

Why because i know that my voice won’t matter and will never be heard that’s why i rather rant or write it i always have this mindset that i don’t want to leave this country if i will be leaving i want to left this city where it cost me painful and bad memories horrible and traumatic experiences i’ve been wanting to have a new environment alone and away in Manila never have i thought that i would agree on migrating soon in New Zealand to be with my frontliner sister and maybe then i will be able to finally move on and let go.

Where there is peace and joy however there is this question remains where i know that His presence never left me despite everything that i knew He has and will always has new mercies for me even thought i stumble and fail where i committed sins but i still find myself crying out, kneeling down before Him, praying and worshipping.

I couldn’t promise that it will be instanly go back after a day but step by step it’s been awhile the last time i did this but if you were able to came through this point thank you specially i am in awe and grateful for those God used as an instruments all this time although i always feel frustrated even with my journey and relationship with Him

Yet here i am having realize all of this that no matter how i run away, avoid, surrender and give up His presence remains and His love endures forever thank You for saving me and opening my eyes though i fail and sinned my love for You was never gone and Your love never change i don’t even deserve it but You give it.

Mary, you are a fighter and warrior you still got of fight left in you Mary you’ve got this because the Lord is with you the angels and heaven is backing you up and those people that God brought you.

Here i am Mary i hope the way you embraced “ica” is the same way you will embrace and accept me as Mary after all this is the name that God gave me Mary so for starters please call me Mary because that’s my name i am Mary for 3 years i lived myself as “ica” and created sorry just because i hated my name i invented the name “ica” which upon that name traumatic experiences happened however within the name “ica” i met people God brought me that will always be and has a special place in my heart yes i already said goodbye to “ica” let’s all say goodbye.

Now let’s welcome, embrace and accept Mary now i am ready to accept and love my own name Mary yes my name is Mary everyone and Mary we are now rising back up let’s continue our journey Mary remember you are a fighter and warrior Mary.

You’ve got this Mary you are not alone Mary Jesus is with you keep fighting Mary

[we-are-the-lost-we-are-here]

Albums of the Year

This is the first post of this series that I intend on extending for 365 days. I will be listening to a minimum of 1 New Album (or new to me at least) a day. It is my plan to give an opinion on the album as a whole and each song. Please follow along with me if you wish and feel free to leave me any albums you think I should listen to.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Our first entry stall be Divinely Uninspired to a Hellish Extent by Lewis Capaldi

As a whole, I love this album. I had never listened to Lewis Capaldi outside of anything that I heard on TikTok or on the radio so for my first listen I was pleasantly surprised. I would like to begin by saying, this is a great album, however I would also like to know who hurt Lewis? All of these song are on the more sad side. And not sad in the way that middle school me who thought I was emo was sad but in a longing and yearning way. This make me feel like I have been in love and that I have lost that love and would do anything to get it back. It is the best pain I have felt all year. 

Also I would like to acknowledge that this is not the extended version of the album. I thought about doing the extended version but decided against it as I got tired and wanted to get this over with. 

Grace - Something about Lewis’ voice that he being out on “your mistakes” and “going to waste” is everything. Its like a crackling strain and I can not get enough of it. This is also so prevalent at the end of the bridge and when I tell you that the scream he does on “don’t take it away” will hurt your heart, I mean it. This is a nice an gentle way to start an album that is about to tear my heart in two.

Bruises - The beginning of this song is so soft and it exsentuates Lewis’ lower range, then that softness is juxtaposed directly with the chorus and I love it so much. This song is so heart breaking and yet I can’t not listen to it. From beginning to end the pain is so focused. I do not even know how to experience this emotion fully. From the middle of the second to last chorus and into the last chorus my heart breaks, the screams, the way the instruments cut out, the isolated vocals, everything. This might be my favorite song on the album.

Hold Me While You Wait - First off, this song directly after bruises. Mr. Capaldi, no sir. How could you? I am already emotionally vaunerable and this is how you treat me? Second of all, I will never get of the way that this man can write so many songs of love and loss it is amazing. One again the desire I can feel in the screams and belting is unmatachable. And while we are here, this man can write hard hitting bridges that I can not get over. Also that final line of “won’t you stay a while?” while everything cuts out is everything to me. 

Someone You Loved - This is his most popular song and that is great for him. Personally I do not love this song in the way that I think I should. Its a great song but something about it being so popular that I heard a vampire parody on tiktok just throws me off of this vibe. But while we are here the song is very similar to Hold Me While You Wait and Bruises and I think that emphasises how much pain that this relationship he was in put him through. 

Maybe - This song has a more upbeat feel to it. Its in a happier key and feels like something that would be played in a coming of age movie that tries to be more deep than it actually is. This feels like a summer breakup song. The idea of wanting to be sad but also being too in the moment to care. I also like the backing vocals in the second half of the song, they feel very natural.

Forever - This song feels like it would play in the background of a season finale of a tv show. Like this is not the end forever but you're emotionally vaunerable and this is all you're getting for a while but it still has a nice sound.

One - I have listened to this song several times at this point. I do like it so don’t hear what I am not saying but I have absolutely no clue who this song is being sung about/for/to and for that reason it is my least favorite song on the ablum so sorry Lewis but this hurts my brain when I try to reason whats happening. 

Don’t Get Me Wrong - So I do understand that this whole album seems to focus on heartbreak and loneliness but this feels like it was not written with the same relationship in mind as all of the other songs. I do love this song, I spoke too soon when listening to bruises, because this is infact my favorite song, with the choir in the back and the nice high notes. This song feels like it was written in a different era and it also feels like it would pair nicely with Hoziers Discography. Lewis this is my most favorite song please release a music video asap!

Hollywood - How Hollywood did not get the same recognition as someone you loved? I do not know. This is an end of a relationship song, it gives me very much musical vibes. If I heard this song in the middle of a musical I would not question it at all. This feels like a car ride song that you blare through the speakers after a shitty breakup.

Lost On You - I feel like I can not appreciate this song to its fullest extent. Perhaps it is that I have never felt this way about anyone or maybe its just that I am getting towards the end of the album and I am getting the same vibes from all of the songs, but it just does not hit the same as all of the other songs. It just doesn't live up to the expectations that the others songs gave me. I feel like this would have broken up the first three songs well but did not need to be after Hollywood. 

Fade - This has the same vibes as Hollywood. It should be in a production as the final declaration of love. However, I can only imagine this song being performed on Glee and it would have to be sung by Finn about Rachel or by Puck about Quinn. The drums really stuck out to me in this song, I think that that is because most of this song only have piano or a bit of guitar but its a nice change. Also, I really like the high bit at the end followed by a bit of screaming. 

Headspace - This song is the exact way I would expect this album to end. A little bit of religious trauma, a sprinkle of fighting, some existentialism, and a teaspoon of self discovery. This song is coming out of the pain of a breakup ad having time to think about everything that you have gone through. 

#lewis capaldi #Grace #bruises #hold me while you wait #someone you loved #maybe #forever #one #dont get me wrong #hollywood #lost on you #fade #headspace #niall horan #songs of the year

[we-are-the-lost-we-are-here]

Albums of the Year

Day Six

Today we will be listening to Sanctuary by Suzi Bloom

I found Sanctuary after I was scrolling through Tiktok and found Suzi singing with the demo in her car. I knew that I was going to have listen to this. This ablum came out less than a month ago and because of that there are not many people who have listened to this ablum. I highly recommend that you support this album and follow Suzi.

Also I hope that everyone is staying safe today. Today has been rough in America and I know tensions are high but everything will work out in the end. 

Not Quite Heaven - 10/10 best song ever. This is one of the best songs I have ever listened to. Not even just this ablum or just in the last six day. No I mean ever. It is everything that me religious trauma wants. That and her voice is so gentle yet it can be so deep. Just “cast from Heavens light” is everything.

Too Bad - This song starts off very soft which is not necessarily a bad thing but personally I have a bit of a hard time hearing what she is saying. Lets just talk about the second verse. Basically everything after “wonderland” is so powerful and impactful. The longing, yearning, desire that is felt is so powerful.

Nov 2016 - This is a lovely continuation after the last song. This has almost a Hallelujah vibe. This being the shortest song is a crime. You can tell that she was going through a lot of personal strife and pain. This song has a lot to say about how everyone lives in ignorance to the pain and problems that everyone is facing, and how they opt to be blind to their own pain.

Chelsea - Okay religious trauma. Okay we see you. Also, heartbreak? We feel you. Dare I say homosexuality and religious trauma?

Skinny Girl - TW: ED Yes societal norms for girls. Not too sure about the line “I know its not normal but it also kinda is” is defiantly a choice. This song feels like it comes from a very vaunerable part in Suzi’s life and I think that this song is a good portal of mental illness and eating disorders

The Resurrection - This song sounds so familiar and I just don't know ever I have heard it before. This is a very nice song. Kinda gives me Achillies vibes. I like this song a lot. Also just the ending? Kills me.

#Albums of the year #Day Six #Sanctuary #Suzi Bloom #Not Quite Heaven #Too Bad #Nov 2016 #Chelsea #Skinny Girl #The Resurrection