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blake-belladonna-defence-force · 4 years

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Omg, i have a prompt for you: so, blake is a vlogger with 20 mil subs and she's been with yang for 2 years now and she does a video where she reads yangs dms/reacts to the messages people are sending her. Yang gets many pervy asks and messages like "omg yang, you re so hot" , "wow, i want a nude pic i wont show" and blakes: bitch, shes mine, go home, andddd moreee, [she does this video with yang] Love your work bte, you re a very good writer❤💙 ty again🖤💛

Thank you so much, mate! I’m glad you enjoy my work!

I hope you enjoy!

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“Hey, guys.”

Blake smiled at the camera in front of her warmly, waving slightly. She ran a quick mental check, ensuring that her outfit (leather jacket, crop top and ripped jeans) looked good and that her camera was rolling before continuing.

“First thing’s first… is it really that necessary to compile every. Single. Time. I stare at my girlfriend?” Blake asked with a small laugh, her cheeks flushing as she recalled the one hour long video of her hopelessly pausing in filming to gaze adoringly at Yang. “It’s embarrassing.”

“It’s adorable.” The voice of said girlfriend teased as she hurdled over the back of the couch that Blake sat on and draped an arm over her, winking cheekily at the camera. Yang was wearing that bomber jacket that Blake loved and Blake knew for a fact that this particular clip would end up in another compilation of “Blake Belladonna Being A Bi-con For One Hour “Straight.”

“It’s not adorable.” Blake pouted as she turned away, her neck burning as Yang giggled, pulling her close and kissing her cheek loudly.

“Aw, babe! It’s sweet!” Yang cooed placatingly as she nuzzled Blake's jaw. “I saved it on my scroll and I’m keeping it forever. You so love me!”

“Of course I love you, you nerd.” Blake mumbled, turning to kiss her girlfriend softly, enjoying the pleased hum that Yang let out before pulling back and smirking at the camera. “Now… I’ve also seen those “Blake Belladonna Being A Savage For 30 Minutes Straight” compilations. You may want to get ready to grab some of these clips because I get the feeling that we are going to be dealing with a few… less than charming individuals, hmm?”

“Blake. It’s not that bad! Your followers are super sweet! For the most part!”

“Oh please. I read my comments. Whenever you come on screen, “sweet” is the word to use for my followers.” Blake snorted, crossing her arms with a huff. “Thirsty is more appropriate.”

“I mean… I guess? But it’s not like they stand a chance against the prettiest, smartest and most incredible woman on YouTube.”

“Good save.” Blake laughed before turning back to the camera with a sickly sweet smile. “So I’m going to read my girlfriend’s dms-“

“You’re also gonna roast the hell out of some of ‘em too.”

“Only the gross ones.” Blake promised with a playful smirk before letting it fall into a softer smile. “Are you sure you’re okay with this, baby?”

“Blake. I’m the one who suggested it.” Yang snorted with a smirk. She leaned closer to Blake and spoke directly into her ear, voice low. “How else can I get you to defend my honour?”

“Like you need it. Now behave and give me your scroll, please.”

At first, the messages were rather sweet. Usually commenting on how cute she and Yang were together and how they give people hope for finding their own person one day. A couple damn near made Blake tear up when she read messages talking about how she and Yang helped people come to terms with their sexualities. It was all very touching…

Until it wasn’t.

“Is it true that blondes have more fun?” Blake read, her cat ears flicking back against her head in annoyance. She glanced up at the camera and snorted. “Yes. But only with her girlfriend, thanks. Not like you have much to offer.”

“Please break my back.” Blake quirked an eyebrow and inhaled deeply. “Why are people so violent when they hit on you? Just… why?”

“U shud totly sand me nuds. I won’t tell-“ Blake cut herself off with a low growl and narrowed her eyes at the camera. “You should totally develop at least one brain cell. Maybe then you might be able to successfully hit on a woman.” She snapped. She could feel Yang trying not to laugh at each message and that was more than reassuring for her.

“...you should totally leave that bitch and date me. She doesn’t deserve you. You deserve so much better than that waste of space.” Blake said slowly, trying to put a lid on her old insecurities and scars that tried to flare up. “Okay. Okay.” She inhaled deeply and looked into the camera. “NyanCat99? Don’t think that I don’t know who you are. You’re not fucking subtle. So let me make myself clear; regardless of how you feel about me, Yang’s made her decision. She chose to date me. She chose to move in with me. She chooses to spend her life with me and I’ll be damned if I let you destroy that.” Blake paused and grabbed a small box in her pocket and held it up. “In fact, I’ve been meaning to ask her to make one more decision.”

“Blake?” Yang gasped as Blake knelt down before her and opened the box to reveal a simple gold band inside. “What are-“

“These past two years have been the greatest of my life. I adore you with every fibre of my being, Yang Xiao Long. But I don’t just want two years with you. I want the rest of… however many years we have left. I want to grow old with you. To love each other. To support and protect one another. You, Yang? You’re it for me.” Blake spoke softly, her heart in her throat as she spoke. “So… will you make me the happiest woman in the world and marry me?”

“Yes!” Yang said with a watery laugh as she cupped Blake’s jaw and kissed her firmly. “Oh my God! Yes!”

Blake let out a weak laugh of her own and gently took Yang’s hand and placed the ring delicately onto her finger, gently kissing the back of it, then her palm and finally her wrist. Blake smiled at Yang before a surprised yelp left her throat as Yang firmly grasped Blake’s jacket and lifted her up for a kiss, whimpering happily against her. Blake curled her arms around Yang’s neck and hummed into it, sighing softly as she pulled back and rested their heads together. She glanced at the camera and gave it a wicked grin.

“As you can see… it’s official, bitch! She’s mine.”

“God. I love it when you’re feisty.”

Blake let another laugh, tears spilling from her amber eyes as she kissed Yang’s nose sweetly. She knew this was going to end up in another “Blake Belladonna Being A Bisexual Disaster” compilation.

She couldn’t say that she was mad about it.

#fanfic #rwby #blake belladonna #yang xiao long #bumbleby #my writing

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sending-the-message · 6 years

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The part of the deep web that we aren't supposed to see. by Mr_Outlaw_

I’ll assume you all know about the deep web. Well, what you've heard is true, it's not a great place. While some people are there to score legal weed or firearms, or even out of sheer curiosity, others... well they're obviously not up to anything good. But I'm not here to talk about those sickos. I'm here to talk about what lies beyond that point. The more cryptic and unexplainable part of the internet. The part that nobody’s really supposed to see.

There was an info-graphic that cropped up a while ago. Not sure when. "The 8 levels of the internet". Maybe you've seen it. As interesting as it was, it's complete bunk. I'm sorry, but "Polymeric Falcigohl Derivation" means nothing. And the "Primarch system"? I guess somebody's a fan of Warhammer. No, there's no quantum mechanics involved here. However, that doesn't mean it was an easy place to find.

Now, I'm not going to begin to tell you how to get here. It's unlikely that'd you be able to, even if I did. I'm not tooting my own horn here, I just didn't have a life outside of this. I was warned, of course. Everybody told me I wasn’t going to like what I saw. That I wouldn’t even understand it. Now I’m passing off that warning to you. Don’t try to look for this.

There's no official name for this place, or at least I haven't seen one. There were rumors, however. These ranged from an illuminati chat room to a virtual holding cell for an experimental AI gone rouge. In reality, it’s a lot worse. After a long and painful process of breaking down firewalls, encryptions, solving bizarre philosophical riddles, and following hidden links, I was finally directed to a blank page with one line of text and a text-box underneath. "Quid quaeris?” Latin for "What do you seek?” I remember feeling surprised. But in retrospect, I didn’t know what I was expecting. I'll admit, I was a bit stumped here. Partly because I didn't know the answer to that question. I had no objective, I just wanted to see if I could do it. I tried some generic answers at first. I typed in "the truth" and "enlightenment". You know, matrix shit. Nothing happened. I tried a bunch of answers, but none of them worked. I was getting frustrated at this point. Maybe this was a gag page. Maybe I really hadn’t figured anything out. If only.

I tried something off the wall. Not sure how this came to me or why I thought it would work, but I typed in “what also seeks me”. Now that I think about it, this thing might have been an AI. To my surprise, the page went blank. Like fully blank. I waited. After about five minutes, I was directed to what looked like a forum. No, not even that. It was more basic. Just a list of links over a brownish-yellow background. The links themselves were indecipherable. Just seemingly random sequences of characters, symbols and letters. A lot of them I had never seen before. It almost looked like an alien language. Obviously, just a code I didn’t understand. At this point, expectations were off the wall. Each link was a shot in the dark. I clicked on the first one. It loaded up a live-feed of what seemed to be the Paris catacombs. I watched for a while, but it was ultimately uneventful.

I moved on to the next link. It was a shaky video in a dark setting. But I could make out men in tactical gear. They were in a house, opening doors and sweeping each room. Eventually, they kicked one down to reveal a creature. Tall and humanoid, with scaly skin. It was gnawing on a dismembered arm. They tried shooting at it, but it escaped out the window. The video stopped there. Well, I was floored. What the hell was this? It looked too real to be unreleased film footage. I was officially intrigued. Maybe this was worth the months of headaches and bloodshot eyes after all. I couldn’t stop now. I started working down the list of links. With each click, everything got more and more bizarre. More disturbing. I stumbled upon a document called “The Paragon project”, detailing trials of human experimentation that would lead to superhuman levels of strength and durability. It was an apparent success. Looked official too.

There were essays on space-time anomalies, glitches in reality, and apparent pictures of alternate dimensions. There were detailed explanations regarding Area 51, the Bermuda triangle, assassinations, disappearances, and the true nature of the Holy Grail. One of the more upsetting ones was a document referring to a “world-ending bomb”. A nuke that’s 720,000 times stronger than the one dropped on Hiroshima. I don’t want to know why we would need that. I found contingency plans for different kinds of Apocalypses - nuclear winter, biological weapons, viral outbreak. Some more peculiar ones were called “The Marianas Trench abnormality”, the bluntly labeled “Strange man on the fifteenth floor”, and one simply referred to as “Blackout”. Recovered logs of skin-walker hunting expeditions, 911 transcripts from residents of a town in Texas that went missing in 1977 and even the journals that belonged to the people involved in the Dyatlov pass incident. They didn’t go insane because of the snow.

I spent hours on there, looking through pages and pages of things I felt like I wasn’t supposed to see. I came across a trailer to a silent film made back in 1910. One that apparently made people claw their eyes out after watching that nearly derailed the whole industry. There was a live stream of a hooded man sitting in front of a camera, head crouched down. He eventually lifted his head. Even though he had no mouth, a deep, guttural, “Hello” came through my speakers. Somehow, I knew it came from him. I didn’t stick around for that. There were obscure sets of step-by-step guides that involved things like cutting off your own limbs and sewing on a corpse’s, performing religious incantations in the middle of the Siberian forest and going to coordinates that apparently housed captive fallen angels. It was unclear what any of these were supposed to achieve. There was a 20 second long clip titled “The futility of the living”. I didn’t watch it. That’s when I realized there was no way even the highest form of organized government had full control of this. One of the scariest things about this whole thing was that I didn’t find an end to the list. No matter far I scrolled down.

I think I had a meltdown and passed out eventually, because I woke up on my floor in the middle of the night. I looked at my computer screen to see looped helicopter footage of a massive, crab-like creature tearing apart a coastal island. I clicked off of it. I just sat there for the longest time. I couldn’t comprehend what I was seeing, and I don’t think I really wanted to. Now, I’m not really sure why I kept going. My brain was screaming for me to take my computer out to the lawn and smash it into pieces. But I didn’t. I noticed something I hadn’t before. A small message at the bottom left hand corner of the screen. I don’t know if it was always there or not. It was hard to read so I had to squint. More Latin. Translated into “Are you satisfied?” There were two options underneath it, yes and no.

Now, I knew the answer to this question. Hell no I wasn’t satisfied. I was horrified, scarred for life. But I should have clicked on yes. If I just clicked on yes it would have taken me out of that godforsaken place. Back to comfort and sanity. Even right now, I can’t tell you why I clicked on no. But once I did, the page seemed to refresh. It was still the same basic setup, except there were only four links. This time, there were no recognizable numbers or characters. Hell, it didn’t look like anything that could have come from this world. Just a collection of extremely crude symbols that didn’t give off any sense of pattern or direction. I clicked on the first link.

After about 20 seconds, I unplugged the computer. I can’t describe to you what I saw. All I know is that I wasn’t supposed to see it. NOBODY should ever see something like this. It’s not only that it didn’t make any sense, I can’t tell you why it didn’t. I couldn’t begin to grasp the images I was seeing. It wasn’t graphic or anything, not like that. I just couldn’t recognize anything. I could make out things moving, but not in a way any creature on earth has ever moved before. Colors that I’d never seen before. Just thinking about it gives me a splitting headache. This is the best way I can describe it. We have 3 dimensions here on earth. We can move left, right, 72.4 degrees upwards, etc. These things weren’t restricted to that. I can’t explain it any further. All I know is that I didn’t want to watch one more second. I don’t think I would have been able to.

I left my room. For the first time in a while, I was planning to leave my house. I needed fresh air. To take a walk or something. Hell, I was thinking about running a marathon in the middle of the night just to get my mind off of that shit for a few hours. I was putting on my jacket when I heard a knock at the door. I stopped dead in my tracks. Obviously, I wasn’t opening up. About a minute and five more sets of knocks came before somebody spoke up. “Open up. We know what you did, but we’re not here to hurt you. We just want to talk”. The tone wasn’t threatening. Eventually, I obliged. I opened up my door to two tall, slim men in suits. They smiled at me. “Can we come in?” I still don't know how they found me. I thought for sure that I was off the grid.

We sat down on the couch. I guess I was just waiting for answers at this point. One of them looked at me and said “What were you looking for?” “I don’t know. But I’m not going back”, I responded. He smiled again. Like this is what he wanted to hear. The other one piped up: “Who do you work for?” His tone was a bit more aggressive. I just shook my head. “Look, I didn’t know what I was getting into. I wasn’t looking for anything.” They just stared at me for a while. “I’m not gonna tell anybody. Trust me”. They finally responded: “We’re not worried about that. Doubt anybody’d believe you.” Another smile. Somehow it felt genuine. “We just wanted to know what your priorities were.” In retrospect, that was a very strange question. “Just do us favor and we’ll leave”. I perked up. “Give us the device you used to access it”. I didn’t ask any questions. I ran upstairs and basically tossed them my laptop. They both smirked at me once last time before heading for the door. Just as they were about to leave, one of them turned back. “I don’t think you need to be told, but don’t try this again. And don’t show anybody else how to get there either. We’ll know.” I didn’t ask who they were. I’m not sure I would have wanted to know.

It’s been a week now. I don’t go on the internet so much anymore. After this, I’m going to try and forget. To try and not to think about it anymore. I’ve started having horrific nightmares. Been seeing a therapist for that, but I don’t think it’s helping. Anyways, I’m not going to let this consume the rest of my life. The thing is, I’m afraid this might not be possible. There are some things we aren’t supposed to know about. Probably for our own safety and sanity. Don’t try and seek them out. It’s better that way.

#reddit #nosleep #scary #story

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redditnosleep · 7 years

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The Part of The Deep Web That We Aren’t Supposed To See

by Mr_Outlaw_

I spent hours on there, looking through pages and pages of things I felt like I wasn’t supposed to see. I came across a trailer to a silent film made back in 1910. One that apparently made people claw their eyes out after watching that nearly derailed the whole industry. There was a live stream of a hooded man sitting in front of a camera, head crouched down. He eventually lifted his head. Even though he had no mouth, a deep, guttural, “Hello” came through my speakers. Somehow, I knew it came from him. I didn’t stick around for that. There were obscure sets of step-by-step guides that involved things like cutting off your own limbs and sewing on a corpse’s, performing religious incantations in the middle of the Siberian forest and going to coordinates that apparently housed captive fallen angels. It was unclear what any of these were supposed to achieve. There was also a 20 second long clip titled “The futility of the living”. I didn’t watch it. That’s when I realized there was no way even the highest form of organized government had full control of this. One of the scariest things about this whole experience was that I didn’t find an end to the list. No matter far I scrolled down.

After about 20 seconds, I slammed my computer shut. I can’t describe to you what I saw. All I know is that I wasn’t supposed to see it. NOBODY should ever see something like this. It’s not only that it didn’t make any sense, I can’t tell you why it didn’t. I couldn’t begin to grasp the images I was seeing. It wasn’t graphic or anything, not like that. I just couldn’t recognize anything. I could make out things moving, but not in a way any creature on earth has ever moved before. Colors that I’d never seen before. Just thinking about it gives me a splitting headache. This is my best attempt at visualizing it. We have 3 dimensions here on earth. We can move left, right, 72.4 degrees upwards, etc. These things weren’t restricted to that. I can’t explain it any further. All I know is that I didn’t want to watch one more second. I don’t think I would have been able to.

#creepy #horror story #author: Mr_Outlaw_#computers #internet #deep web

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theworstbob · 7 years

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yellin’ at songs, week thirty-four

in this post WITH A TWIST YOU’LL NEVER SEE COMING, we review the songs which debuted on the billboard chart the weeks of 8.30.1997, 9.1.2007, and 9.2.2017

8.30.1997

40) "All Cired Out," by Allure ft./112

Imagine how dope this would have been a capella. Like, you have a girl group and a boy group. That's at least six singers good enough to sustain their own groups. Why you gotta give this song all the production? Why not let the cavalcade of singers carry this one home? Curse that we're a good 15 years away from Pentatonix making a capella commercially viable! This song could have been something.

46) "Backyard Boogie," by Mack 10

/clears throat /tugs at collar Eh, now this mack should not have returned. /bows to thunderous applause /leaves the stage /audience still applauding /walks back onto stage /tugs at throat /clears collar Eh, now... /audience falls into rapturous, expectant silence This mack? /everyone in the audience is waiting for the words i speak to deliver their salvation /i hold them for a thousand years Should not have returned. /i am anointed Wonderful Comedy Boy /god himself weeps

62) "What About Us," by Total ft./Missy Elliott

Never gonna complain about Missy in YAS, except for the time she cropped up in 2017 and I wasn't into it. I complained about it then, if memory serves. But I only complained about it because it was a Missy song that didn't sound like this, because this song is smooth and fresh and several other outdated descriptors! Also, I haven't made enough a big deal about The Double Decade Dance Club, but, as far as I'm willing to go back through the archives, the folks who've had songs chart in '97, '07, and '17 are Missy Elliott, Jay-Z, Tim McGraw, and Faith Hill. Special consideration is given to Mariah Carey, who doesn't qualify for Decade Dance with no songs charting in '07 but DID have songs debut later in '97 and earlier in '17! Congratulations to those five people on this fake accolade in a blog read by an indeterminate but likely single-digit number!

68) "Around the World," by Daft Punk

Have I had my complaints about electronic music in the 1997 list? Yes. Have I wished for dance music that sounds like something I could dance to? Several times! Does this mean I like Daft Punk? I... I mean, y'all knew I wasn't cool. Like, this sounds fine, I don't disagree with every single thing happening in this song, which is a step up from all the other electronic music, but I connect to this about as much as I do a well-composed track in a video game. I admire how it does its thing, but I'm not attached to this song in any meaningful way, I'm not having any sort of emotional reaction to it. It just sort of exists while I'm hitting buttons. Wait and this is HOW MANY minutes long? Y'all, I'm behind on every single obligation, no thank you.

69) "My Love Is the Shhh!" by Somethin' for the People ft./Trina & Tamara

This is like a staler version of the Missy track we had earlier, and I already opted not to pay attention to the Missy track so I could blather about YAS mythology, I don't know how I'm supposed to come to this song and find something else to say about it. What kind of name is Somethin' for the People, anyway? How do you settle on that as a name? Did literally every other combination of words in the English language fail to please you? I have to access the Iowa Land Records website sometimes, and the captchas they use on that website are delightful words that are almost English but not quite. Today I had to enter Simbang Carrer. I don't understand how you could be given a set of letters and rules which can create Simbang Carrer and think, "No. Somethin' for the People. That is how we identify." I hope they had a rivalry with Nice Songs For Enjoyment.

72) "Don't Say," by Jon B

milquetoast (adj) - a word used by people looking for a synonym for 'bored' that happened to open the thesaurus while they were hungry

73) "As We Lay," by Daha

"I'll be fine," Bob said as he decided to put off writing the entirety of YAS to Wednesday evening. "I know 1997 has 11 songs, but there's no way all of them are going to be '90s R&B! I won't get burnt out by the fifth R&B jam because there will only be five, with enough variety between R&B jams to keep these songs fresh1" Friends, I can admit when I have erred. In my defense: have you listened to Bad Cop/Bad Cop's Warriors? I feel I should be forgiven for making Bad Cop/Bad Cop's Warriors the only thing I've listened to the last five days. This song is pretty okay. I think the beat isn't quite sure what song it belongs to, but it gives this song a unique sound, which, hey, you probably didn't listen to all these songs. You probably don't get how much I treasure something that sounds unique, even if it's a not especially great kind of unique.

78) "Happy with You," by Samantha Cole

HELL YEAH I LOVE THAT SEINFELD-ASS BASS. You know what, song of the year, right here. I feel like this song is the reward for sloughing through Slow R&B Mire, and now I have this upbeat song about the joy of finding another soul in this world and being in that moment with them, and I just, thank you, thank you everyone for creating this moment, for giving me just like a nice song about how good an emotion love is. Yeah, girl, you try to hit that high note! A for effort! A for good song! A+ to your bassist, what a pleasant song!

80) "No Tengo Dinero," by Los Umbrellos

"Los Umbrellos was a Latin pop dance group formed in Denmark" Um "It was led by the rapper Al Agami, the exiled crown prince of the small African enclave of Africa" UMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM DID SOMEONE SEE THAT NO ONE HAD WRITTEN AN ARTICLE ABOUT THIS PARTICULAR GROUP AND JUST SAID "I'LL TAKE TO WIKIPEDIA!" AND JUST MADE SHIT UP? DANISH LATIN POP GROUP "The song hit #1 in Austria" OK, that I'll believe, knowing what I know about Austrian music that absolutely tracks, this is the trash they love in Austria. But no seriously DANISH. LATIN. POP. GROUP.

86) "Piece of My Heart," by Shaggy ft./Marsha

Oh hell yeah. This is everything the "I Shot the Sherrif" cover wasn't. Like, that was a song that wasn't quite sure what it wanted to do with the song, but you know what this does? You know what made me laugh in my apartment? It took the Janis Joplin cover, it gave it the reggae backing, it did the "COME ON! COME ON! COME ON! COME ON!" thing, and that led RIGHT INTO A GODDAMNED SHAGGY VERSE. LIKE HELL YEAH. That's the music version of the hidden blocks in Kaizo Mario. Just get dunked on. "COME ON, COME ON, COME ON, COME ON," and then it turns out we were building up to Shaggy. That was beautiful. Like, this kinda garbages up a standard, but I don't care, it's hella fun.

88) "I Care 'Bout You," by Milestone

Yep. Yeah, there's about only one way 1997 could end. "Sometimes I feel so alone/I call your heart but there's no one at home." Oh absoLUTEly fuck off.

9.1.2007

38) "You Are the Music in Me," Zac Efron & Vanessa Hudgens 60) "Gotta Go My Own Way," Zac Efron & Vanessa Hudgens 66) "Bet on It," Zac Efron 74) "I Don't Dance," Corbin Bleu & Lucas Grabeel 90) "Everyday," Zac Efron & Vanessa Hudgens 92) "All for One," High School Musical 2

Even in 2007, I was already too old, as well as a tad bit too straight, to have any opinion on the High School Musical series. But! While I have gotten approximately 10 years older in the intervening ten years, I like to think I've become substantially gayer, so HERE WE GO. Honestly, HSM as a franchise is inoffensive fun. I enjoyed the first movie when I was of an appropriate age to have watched it, I enjoyed the clips from the second film as a 28-year-old alone in an apartment, and "Bet on It" is a classic piece of American filmmaking that should be taught in schools. I’m not afraid to say it: High School Musical is great, and we are going to be so grateful if the world lasts long enough for the ‘00s nostalgia wave to hit and create the 20-year High School Musical reunion and/or reboot movies.

46) "Clothes Off!" Gym Class Heroes ft./Patrick Stump

So this song is breezy fun, almost certainly the song of the week were it not for the fact "Bet on It" belongs in every museum, but it does sort of foretell the disappointing direction in which Travis McCoy would venture, dunnit? "Cupid's Chokehold" is this equally fun song about a neurotic, emokiddy person finding love in this crazy world, and it's not the most sophisticated thing in the world, but it's a nice song with a distinct feel, and then there's this party jam about gettin' naked, and it's like, alright, I dig this party jam, but you're gonna go back to, y'know, the emo stuff, right? But they never did. They made one really dope song and then just made this forever.

98) "So Small," Carrie Underwood

Finally: an inspirational ballad from a female country singer. Don't think I've heard one of those yet from 2007. Great times.

9.2.2017

42) "Silence," by Marshmello ft./Khalid

This is a sensitive EDM jam like all the other sensitive EDM jams. I'm still lukewarm on Khalid as a whole, like I think he does a fine job on this song but I don't understand why he's this whole thing, don't really get what he brought to this song that no one else could, but honestly that doesn't matter when I probably couldn't discern this from a Chainsmokers joint. Y'all have fun with this one, teens. Y'all do you.

88) "More Girls Like You," by Kip Moore

Hold up. Hold up. Can we talk about the amazing mixed similie in the first verse? "I've been livin' like a wild old Mustang out in Montana fields" A mustang is a horse. He is comparing himself to a wild horse. Understandable, and hey -- interesting spin on the usual back road cliche! Montana is the state equivalent of a back road. Quality shitty songwriting! "Mighta earned me a bad reputation, but never stopped these wheels" A mustang is a car. So he's a Ford Mustang in Montana? I mean I guess? Always good to compare yourself to an American-made automobile in country music. "I'm like a Camry runnin' with a full tank!" said no country star ever. "From rollin' and goin' too far/From runnin' and gunnin' too hard" OK, so he's a car, I recognize these as car terms, you gun engines, I get that, I remember the word rollin' playing a starring role in the Chamillionaire standard "Ridin'," I guess I got that part wrong at the start. Definitely a car. "So unreigned, so untamed" WHAT A HECKIN' TWIST HE WAS HORSE THIS WHOLE TIME?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!? Man, this song is trash.

92) "Something New," by Wiz Khalifa ft./Ty Dolla $ign

"Girl, you look just like something out a magazine/You smell great, know your body clean" ...Di, um, excuse me, but did Wiz Khalifa just compare his girl to the perfume samples that sometimes come in magazines? Anyway, this song sure existed for three minutes.

95) "Untouchable," by YoungBoy Never Broke Again

Various other videos call this man NBA YoungBoy, and with respect to the choices he has made, I am going to refer to him as that from here on out, assuming we hear from him again, which, hey, he's not the worst of the mumble-rap cohort! I kinda feel bad calling him mumble-rap, because this song actually goes more than one place, and that's at least him mumbling! No auto-tune over a trap beat, an actual human being mumbling over a fairly compelling track. Beat's really good, this might be the first song that actually held my attention for all three minutes. Don't know who produced this, but I hope that person goes just a bit farther than NBA YoungBoy.

97) "I Could Use a Love Song," by Maren Morris

I really wish the first six seconds of "Sugar" could be a single. The rest of the song is good, too, but those first six seconds are goddamned flames. I think it's important for you to know that Maren Morris is way more compelling than this song. It's fine, but like we had "Every Little Thing" two weeks ago, y'know? Like, the music video talks through the song, and I don't... blame it? It's OK! Just slight.

98) "Fix a Drink," by Chris Janson

OH FUCK THIS DUDE AND HIS "ROCKABYE"-ASS SPOKEN WORD NONSENSE. This is stupid. This is stupid, and I'm stupid for ever complaining about the preponderance of '90s R&B I've foisted upon myself. It has a sense of humor decidedly sub-Toby Keith. Congratulations on being able to make beer.

100) "Woke Up Like This," by Playboy Carti ft./Lil Uzi Vert

Billboard didn't classify any songs as either debuts or re-entries, songs that weren't on the chart last week simply didn't have an arrow next to the name and I had to guess if they were actually new or retreads of previously released songs. Like, I could have sworn I had to deal with Kip Moore, but that's prolly just 'cuz it sounds like the rest of bro country's nonsense. So I can't tell if this is a new song because they restyled the title or if this is an actual new version of "Woke Up Like This," but I'ma just go ahead and assume my initial assessment of this dude being boring still holds. I can’t believe an entity called NBA YoungBoy won the 2017 Song of the Week title. I can’t... I... Oh. Hold up.

Who won the week?

Did High School Musical 2 just win this one for 2007. Did 2007 really produce the best songs because this was the week High School Musical 2 dropped. It’s not 2017 because the highest grade I’m willing to give “Untouchable” is C+. It’s not 1997 because there was “Happy with You” and a lot of interchangeable nothings. Holy cats. 2007 won High School Musical 2 Week. I can’t believe it. I can’t believe I’m going to say, of the three years, 2007, BASED SOLELY ON THE STRENGTH OF HIGH SCHOOL GODS DAMNED MUSICAL 2, WON THIS FAKE ACCOLADE ON THIS LITTLE-READ BLOG. I forgot “Clothes Off!” dropped this week. This is all HSM2. Wow. What a week this turned out to be. When I was makin’ these lists, when I saw all the High School Musical 2 droppin’, I said, “2007 is dead in the water.” BUTCHA KNOW WHAT HAPPENED?!

2017: 12 1997: 11 2007: 11

2007 has won three of the last four weeks. Don’t call it a comeback, because 2007 never left. History is permanent, it would be weird if the entirety of 2007 disappeared even for a second. And next week, the last selection remaining from HSM2, “Fabulous,” will team up with 50 Cent to take on “Barbie Girl” and what appears to be /sigh/ an Avicii tune. Will the dream die? FIND OUT!

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