#this is horrible why would my brain do this | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

greeniegaes · 13 hours

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Back at it agains with another svsss au im pulling out of my (slightly) sleep deprived brain

Basically yada yada everything happens as normal UP UNTIL the immortal alliance arc. SQQ gets this searing headache and the system just keeps popping up with errors, so while they are all fighting the spider hoard the system just kinda snaps and breaks. SQQ suddenly feels like he’s hit by a truck, his body starting to act like his sickly Shen Yuan body and his cultivation is tying itself into dead knots and every bone in his body feels like it’s locking up. There’s no system to blame for things as he and LBH confront MBJ and he just has to do his hardest to survive with just his spiritual sword.

And then the worse thing happens, Xiu Ya shatters.

SQQ panics at this, continuing to try his best fighting people off and eventually MBJ leaves *hooray* except not really because all the system errors are getting louder and louder in his head, and everything is blue and blaring and he might be bleeding and he can’t understand what LBH is saying even though he is right there, shaking his body and crying.

And then the abyss opens. He suddenly has the choice. He can send LBH, his white little sheep, down there to continue on with the PIDW plot, or he can… not do that.

So he pushes LBH.

Away from him. Away from the abyssal rift, only for him to be the one that falls though. He had prepared various lesson plans, life advice, what skills people to work on and so much more once he got without-a-cure, just incase he slipped up one day and couldn’t protect himself. So SQQ was satisfied as he knew his peak would be taken care of if LBH opened a specific drawer, everyone could still be taught by the hall masters and also have some future help prepared for each of them.

So SQQ let’s himself fall into the abyss, watching his student’s horrified expression as he plummets. He hears the system disconnect from LBH as he falls, all of the glowing blue error messages and pop ups instantly go away and he’s left in the dark as he sinks further and further into the abyss.

Surprisingly, he wakes up. He landed in the same field of flowers that are the reason LBH didn’t die in the original, they are filled with celestial qi in a place meant to be horrible and deadly. The one good thing about this place. He lays there for awhile and lets the plants essence fix up his meridians.

Then he has to experience the same horrifying things the protagonist did in person, fighting off each beast and trying his damn hardest to survive. It takes him a while, fighting and walking his way through what’s practically hell on earth, slaying beasts ten times his size, making sure not to fall into the trappings of demonic plants. He cuts his long hair, he thinks he will never see his peak again, so what do filial ties matter when you’re barely surviving. Sometimes the worse thing is his own mind, he feels a heavy layer of guilt to himself for so willing going along with the system. He sometimes forgets it’s not his fault too, that he was threatened to return to a dead body if he didn’t do as he was supposed to. But he’s happy sometimes too, he goes back to that field of flowers, laying in them and basking in his memories of a happier LBH, a LQG that isn’t dead, a Qing Jing peak full of song and happy healthy students.

He ascends from the abyss that day. He doesn’t know how or why but he wakes up in the same field of flowers, the sky above him no longer a damning black with red cracks seeping light in. it’s blue, soft, it hurts his eyes almost to look at it. It hurts so much but he can’t look away. He picks himself up, looking at all the grime and blood on himself and weeps in relief that he can go home. He hides his face and asks people where he is, somewhere in HHP territories, and begins to make his way back to his sect. Once he gets to his peak he sits down softly at the gate, it’s night time and there haven’t been many people about. He basks in the feeling of being home, leaning his head against the tall bamboo pole as he falls asleep.

He’s glad tomorrow is a new day, when he can see his family and just go back to his life.

(in the years he’s been gone all of CQS has been in some kind of mourning. LBH found all the letters from his shizun and they made all the disciples of QJP weep. Some of them took the advice given and left, some of them stayed and took care of a lordless peak. None of the hall masters or disciples were qualified to step up, and when the issue was raised even the peak lords agreed he shouldn’t be replaced. It was LQG who found him at the gate, going to visit the sword shrine in the bamboo house after an expedition, going to leave another fan to rot at the shrine’s foot. instead he heaved up his shixiong, hair not even reaching his shoulders, hands callused and dirty, and brought him back to the bamboo house, waking LBH in the process. Once morning light came everyone would know that their lost peak lord came home, but first they had to get the doctor to make sure he actually got through the night)

#svsss #shen qingqiu #shen yuan #svsss shen qingqiu #svsss au #greeniegaes #text post #alternative universe ideas #scum villian self saving system #scum villain

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mikakuna · 1 month

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my problem is that i always end up emotionally invested in the angry abuse victim character-- the character who is always the "wrong" kind of victim. the one who lashes out and is violent, a complete juxtaposition to their sunshine/lawful good counterparts in the media.

i end up resonating too hard with these characters that i always end up on the shitty side of the fandom where people will see you as a bad person for enjoying representation of an angry victim.

#and then i get brain damage from people's horrible takes that involve real life accusations #why the fuck would i support the death penalty because a fictional character kills people #are you using your minds #what part of seperate fiction and reality do you not understand #you genuinely CANNOT be a part of a fandom if you don't understand that rule #or there's the people in the fandom who don't know shit about abuse victims so when they write stories including such characters #they depict them in such clearly ableist ways #and in the victim blaming sense!!#like fuck #when is it my turn to join a fandom and become a fan of a character who doesn't induce such anger from other fans #jason todd #red hood #batman

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nuclearanomaly · 2 months

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Post workout cuddle, y/n?

pose ref

#ffxiv #Ninira Nira #Estinien #Estinien Varlineau #Estinien Wyrmblood #estinien x wol #wolstinien #I guess ship content on valentines afterall?#art: mine #Nothing fancy just more gracious pose refs because my brain is buffering a bit again #and like sometimes I try and size Nini more when I use a pose ref but ehg I couldn't be bothered today... big lala lmao #funny bc I did try to make Estinien's legs longer and did a little but was like no I want 0 effort left beef rn #Nini says gross ur all sweaty #is this a pushups reference? kinda? same fit #do u ever look at how they gave him his AF pants but his casual boots in that scene #and think why didn't u just give him those pants with his casual outfit ALWAYS #do you think they loaded him in in the horrible eureka leggings and saw the shot of his ass when he stands up like: we can't do this #bc it would have been horrible #would have RUINED the scene 1000%#lets all be thankful for the AF pants #this has been: I bitch about the stupid eureka pants again ty for listening

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dazachi · 2 months

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just had a horrible thought of dazai actually secretly never having passed the ADA entrance exam, and thats why he's keeping himself away from them most of the time + is usually not included when Ranpo and Fukuzawa say the ADA, and he's just staying there because he doesn't know where else to go

#its a horrible idea #i want to shut my brain up asap #dazai #dazai osamu #bsd dazai #THIS HAS NO BASIS OTHER THAN ANGST PEOPLE. PLS MOVE ALONG #but also the idea of them caring for dazai but them not wanting him to be part of the ADA is a thought #lol additional angst thought where the reason dazai doesnt do the paperwork is because it wouldnt be officially ADA #...fuck wait i should legit stop #can yall imagine the turmoil kunikida would feel when he finds out dazai isnt really considered a member?#thats why the complaints on dazai dont lead to anywhere too...#OK IM LEGIT STOPPING #FOLKS THERE IS NO BASIS HERE. I AM COOKING AIR PARTICLES AT MOST

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keeps-ache · 3 months

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if i could be any little creature on the earth i'd be one of those little robot-dog toys that kind of suck

#just me hi #i know they suck my sibling had one once and it was okay hfvsh #it could do backflips but it also banged its head into the floor every time it did so it was kind of painful to watch lolll #but besides the suckiness i just think they're neat :>#they can roll around and that is very cool to me #sometimes they play music but the speakers are horrible but they're trying so hard bhfs </33 #/anyway. i actually had a point to this but i forgot what it was #if i was a sucky robot-dog toy that costed 60 bucks with terrible wheels and worse speakers i think i'd go and travel the world #why travel the world? i don't know ! just makes sense to do something like that #i think the little things would like to travel the world :> they can't move very well and aren't taken to many rooms and their batteries di #quickly but i think despite (or maybe because) of that they'd roll around busy streets and explore spots that would be hidden by the usual #tourist #it's just a neat thought :)#//okay.. on my way now lol #i keep staying up to ungodly hours by accident and i feel so flat hfhvsh #stayed up til 5 on saturday bc i got caught up telling my siblings a story. stayed up til 4 last night doing the same exact thing fhhsv #i don't learn lol !!#but ye gonna see if i can get my sludge brain to work. as my brother says; toodledoo #//edit: also their hearts are in their batteries and every time you change them they love you more. okay Now bye fhvsbvhfvs

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whenfatecollides · 3 months

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#had this awful dream where I married a man (🤢) and even my sister was like 'why would you marry him???' (like honestly same) and I was like #'it's fine I'll divorce him next week - he asked so I had to say yes' but like... awful awful horrible nightmare-like I would never #not for a week not for a single day 😭 why would my brain do this to me

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snickerzanddoodlez · 6 months

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Look I’m all for taking artistic liberties even if it costs certain aspects of your creative project

But not including quotation marks in your book is not an artistic choice that’s grammar we need that

#cry the beloved country #I hate this book #the story isn’t even bad!#I don’t care about it much but that’s because my nd brain needs fantasy #I just can’t read it because there are no quotation marks #nothing seperating dialogue from description #it’s horrible #this is why kids don’t like to read #I like to read and I can’t understand this book #<English teacher> why would you do this to me

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suncaptor · 8 days

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there's something specifically inside my head that is closing up that makes trusting anything so hard. i have to manually keep my mind open to the potential of anything being significant. i am so used to things being bad and things hurting and things not working and being powerless that it takes an exorbitant amount of mental energy to make sure I don't let myself shut down possibility. and I do it because I never want a certainty inside of me besides love to rule anything. but I want my brain elastic again. i want it open like breathing. it doesn't erase the unfairness or the critique or any of the bitter-built philosophy.

#it's so hard to describe what I mean. i think it's the combo of the like. specific part of my brain's development + the amount of trauma #I have endured + the degree of which that has been taking place on a backdrop of the world being incredibly injust no matter what I do #this is very very silly but the extent of how much this impacts me was made clear by how like. closed off I was to even liking an album by #my favourite singer. like obviously I am obsessively keeping myself open I would never let my preconceived sense of doom and stubbornness #control my willingness to let things in #but it shouldn't be so hard to keep my mind open to things like... liking my favourite musician of most of my life's music...........#and that's a VERY silly example but that's why it's easier to talk about. it takes so much work to be open enough for things like therapy #or religion because they've damaged me so much #how am i supposed to handle this on a backdrop of constant constant helplessness in the face of living insecurity and illness and trauma?#the problem is if you try so so so hard again and again and remain hopeful regardless of how illogical that hope is #but you get let down so constantly since you're never stop trying ever even when systems fail you again and again #and you're watching horrible things happen and everything that shapes you is horror #then regardless of how much you try it's so hard to let yourself let go of the very realistic lived experience of doubt and critique #and I DO. do NOT get me wrong. I am obsessive and refuse to be my own problem #but the act of doing so shouldn't be like this. it's in everything i do. from simple things like listening to new music to even the mere #possibility of a future #i am very worried this one is going to be misinterpreted bc I AM NOT saying I'm stubborn in the face of systems that have repeatedly failed #me. I AM NOT. I am saying to not be shouldn't take this work when it envelops the rest of my life.#if anyone reads this far please please acknowledge the degree of which I almost pathologically try again and again when I can guarantee #nearly everyone wouldn't and still fight to keep myself open to hope because that's just something in me that is like that. but BEING like #that is. repeatedly putting yourself in situations where you are powerless already and helpless to get better and then are hurt more and #there's no way to escape it's just the repeated nature of it and then trying to not be the issue.#it's the problem in itself.#my ambition SHOULD be smarter.#god I'll go into this when I fully understand it another time. i don't think i have this phrased in a way to make all the dots of what i #mean correlate in the significant ways to anyone but me #but hey i guess i'm expecting anyone to read this in a light to misperceive me in the first place instead of accept maybe I'm not explainin #well or giving me the benefit of the doubt. see.#delete

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kuiinncedes · 5 months

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#one final left 😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫#i am procrastinating studying #my motivation to study is nonexistent atp lmfao #which is bad that this class is last #bc idk anything in this class #😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀#and the slides aren't great and there's not a great straightforward way to study in my brain rn #i need to write down some stuff i can do #i i have like a lil les than 14 hours 😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀#why was this class so bad for me it wasn't even like that bad like the prof wasn't horrible #just not for me ig 💀💀💀 i just could not pay attention to him everything he said went right in and out thru my ears no comprehension #hm so how do i reread all the chapters or something in like < 10 hours or smth lmfao #also what do i even mean reread as if i read them all the first time slkjnfgdfigbpiurghpqireughdjfhsglfgjhaldkjfh #my last two finals were ok like ........ on par for what i expect lmfao and i think i did as well as i was gonna do on them #but this one #it's fucking unfortunate timing that it's last and day after another final bc i would rly appreciate a lot more time to study for this one #and i cant manage time so i haven't rly started studying for it lmfao why would i study before the day before 🤩🤩🤩🤩🤩🤩🤩#anyway whatever #my chinese song playlist hitting hard rn it's so good and so nice to listen to while studying bc i dont get too distracted lol #and the songs are so GOOD i've been bonding more w my roommate over it XD #i think it's kinda funny how my music this week is gonna be so different than normal lol on airbuds since it does weekly music stats #out of nowhere just only lindsey stirIing and chinese songs lol #and then mxmt/oon in btwn there bc she also chiller music #jeanne talks

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zenithpng · 16 days

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‼️‼️ tw for suicidal ideation + vent in tags

#holy fuck my life is going well why am i suicidal again #like i just. wow! i want to die!#im just overcome with this horrible depression and i have no energy for anything #i feel so cold and i cant get warm #i dont even know what to do about it because everyone i trust is so far away from me #like should i try and see my therapist again? would it help?#i just hate talking to her because i have this weird need to be polite and not bother anyone with my bullshit #shes so nice but i just. have this weird brain i guess #the worst part is that the dumbest fucking thing tipped me over today too #and i have physics homework to finish. and a math test coming up that will make or break my grade.#and i just have *no energy* for anything. like im physically active and i eat well and fucking doing everything right but for some reason i.#just cant seem to work properly.#god what is wrong with me i hate everything about this situation and myself #i just dont wanna be alive any more fucking please #like im not gonna do it but damn. if not for my partner id probably go drown myself or something right now #sorry this is so depressing and long winded im such a mess #vent #delete later

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running-in-the-dark · 2 months

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I'm so desperately bored rn. can't do anything. because all I want to do is think about Dan or Jenkins. but I don't want to let myself do that because then I'll lie down and fall asleep and the day will be over and it'll feel like I didn't do anything.

can't even watch anything. nothing feels right. I'm. so bored. I tried drawing but. nope. head empty.

#.. except for him #which is NOT helping #I hate this feeling #someone stab me please #wanted to paint. it's been a few days. but can't.#baaad bad brain feelings #wish I could just stay in my stupid daydreams forever. it feels so much better there.#which is why I can't let myself go there right now. I can already feel myself going back to just. lying in bed daydreaming all day #like. I just. can't stop it. it's all I care about #i just want to be there #I want to be with them and I can't so everything feels pointless #how do you get over that #it keeps happening again and again even when everything's fine #idk I just feel so lost #existence is pointless #maybe I should become one of those horrible people who don't watch/read/interact with anything fictional #but then what would be left #of me I mean.#not much #ugh I'm insufferable right now #personal

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caffeinatedopossum · 1 year

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Events of last night:

Me: *crying*

My girlfriend: what's wrong?? :(

Me: *struggling to form words* intrusive thoughts are bad... I don't want to talk about them because then I'm scared that they're true and you might think I'm awful

My girlfriend: ah I actually get that. I have those a lot. It doesn't mean anything though, intrusive thoughts are just like dreams. Like the things you do in them aren't really things you want to do, it's just stuff your brain comes up with.