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turtlemagnum · 5 months

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here's some of the lore adjustments i'm going to make when i buy the star wars franchise:

recanonize hutts being able to biologically trans their gender for purposes of having kids. jabba can be trans if she wants to, ok

i think it's fucking stupid that twi'lek women are god damn gorgeous and the twi'lek men look like fucking freaks. therefore, i'm gonna be making the men look as pretty as the women. it's only fair

give the devaronian women horns. you make a species of devil lookin guys and you TAKE AWAY their HORN's??"? shame!! shame upon your houses. also i'd make the facial variation a bit more diverse so we still get the freaky lookin guys but also we should be able to make hot guys too with them i think.

in general i'd get away from that weird sexual dimorphism thing common to a lot of fantasy stuff where the males of a species are all monstrous but the women are all sexy and curvy and such. as such, either all of the people of a species are gonna be sexy and curvy like the women, or they're all gonna be monstrous like the men. them's the rules

revan would be made canonically transmasculine, though i'd wanna do it in a very low key way. it just makes sense!!!

droids can use the force, and everyone has a little bit of force in them so if you train hard enough anyone can become proficient. also, since the cool thing about the force is that it's a very soft kind of magic and is generally just whatever the story needs, i'd go Ever So Slightly Anime about it. like not full on but i'd definitely wanna stretch the physical elements of it slightly more than the movies tended to

yoda's lightsaber should be longer than average, actually. dude's little, he's gonna need the extra reach

the society of star wars is like, fairly straightforwardly a human supremacist one, right? how would that impact the beauty standards and gender identities of the other sapient guys? like what if a rodian got surgery to have a body more appealing to the human gaze? what if one of those secretary droids intentionally designed to look like a shapely woman turned out to be transmasc and got robo-top surgery? conversely, what if a transfem B1 battle droid got robo-breast implants to feel more like a woman?

anyways, speaking of rodians. i want you to imagine the face of a rodian (for those unaware, the guy we see han solo shoot at the beginning of a new hope (greedo) is a rodian). imagine what that mouth do. like, vacuum type shit. literally inhuman degrees of head game. think about it

slugthrowers!!! i'd wanna completely overhaul them, there's this one bit of lore That I Hate that is like "heh... slugthrowers are so much more reliable than blasters, which are actually unreliable as hell if you really think about it..." and it's like. No. That's Not How That Works. if blasters were less reliable than more conventional weaponry, they'd never be widely adopted. that's how weapons work. if it ain't reliable, nobody's gonna fucking use it!!! you need (and i mean NEED) the thing to go bang (or pew, in this case) every time you pull the trigger!! if it doesn't, then no military is gonna adopt it, and since civilians will very frequently go for stuff that has some degree of military pedigree, that's kind of fucking important. so, here's how i'd make blasters better than slugthrowers: more accurate, more reliable, easier to mass produce cheaply and effectively, higher ammunition capacity, and not impacted by varying gravity (at least not as much as Real Bullets, y'know). i'd also make the advantages of slugthrowers that they hard counter jedi (can't reflect metal with a lazer sword, you'd just melt it and now you have molten lead hitting your body at somewhere between mach 1 and 4!!!), and have more potentiality for stealth since you can suppress em silent if you know what you're doing. it is canon that jedi are often killed by assassins with explosives, and since slugthrowers are essentially a form of explosive, this is just an extension of that. so, that's why blasters would be more popular, because How Often Is A Normal Person Gonna Fight A Guy With A Lightsaber, so blasters are just Better in almost all situations but slugthrowers have Just Enough Of A Situational Benefit to still be around for like, at the very least people who are like, bounty hunters that specifically go after jedi or sith, y'know. And No, Jedi Cannot Just Catch The Bullets With The Force, That's Stupid.

anyways, i'd either make padme as young as anakin was when they meet (about 9) or i'd make anakin about the same age as padme when they meet (about 14). that way it's Not Quite As Weird, y'know. i'd probably spring for the latter since that'd be easier to cast good actors for

i'd decanonize the sequels since i have my own ideas for them, but i'd keep certain elements (like bb8 droids and porgs and the live slug reaction guy)

luke is ace but has romantic attraction. again, relatively low key but yeah. also mara jade is canon

i'd make jar jar hot. i'm not gonna elaborate because i wanna keep some things a suprise

#this is arguably both a #turtlegunrant #and a #H&Hornyposting #oh babey a double!!#warning: long

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thessalian · 4 years

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Thess vs Video Game Adaptations

So there’s rumours of a KOTOR movie and TV show in the works, and I object strongly. Mostly because I know they’ll be going by Book!Revan - male Revan, gets-with-Bastila Revan, and there are enough people who didn’t take that option that it just galls me that there’s suddenly going to look like a ‘right way’ to play a game where your choices actually mattered to any degree.

I decided to not just sit there and be angry about it; I decided to consider the wide variety of games that could be adapted for film or television - I mean, they seem to have got it right with Witcher - and what their commonalities are. So here we have it - starting with the rules.

No character creation screen. Anything where you get to pick anything about your character is right out.

Hard-coded narrative. Player choice cannot affect the outcome in any significant way.

...That’s basically it, really. So what do we have?

Dishonored - a bit of a grey area, but doable. My only issue with it is that if they moved to Dishonored 2, they’d probably continue with Corvo when Emily’s narrative through that game is far more compelling and narratively fulfilling, because Yet Another Grizzled White Dude and some idea of continuity and “Women Can’t” bullshit.

Borderlands - come on; you’ve got a fully hard-coded cast of characters and a story you could actually fill some stuff into (because it needs it, being the original looter-shooter). It’d be popcorn, but it’s doable and could be fun, especially when you get into later games and have a decent antagonist to deal with.

Bioshock - I dunno about Bioshock 2 so much, but both the original and Bioshock Infinite could make some pretty good movies.

Far Cry - the Far Cry games would be more a TV series than a movie series, I figure, but while you’d have to pick an ending for the protagonist, particularly for the season representing Far Cry 3 ... it’s still doable because the fate of one yahoo running a resistance movement on an island doesn’t mean much in the grand scheme of things.

Red Dead Redemption - seriously, this could go amazingly well, given the conceits involved in the actual game. Again, probably more a TV series, but still.

Half-Life - Gordon Freeman. That is all.

Dead Space - possibly a better movie trilogy than a games trilogy, particularly given what happened when EA got its grubby mitts on Visceral Games. The animated version went over well. I mean, there’s the issue where there’s a very different type of movie with the same title floating around out there, but eh.

God of War - possibly a little ultraviolent, but there’s the potential for starting with God of War 4 and flashing back to shit that happened in previous games.

Uncharted - it’s Tomb Raider with Yet Another Grizzled White Dude. It might be harder for Hollywood to fuck up. The fan film with Nathan Fillion went over well.

Horizon Zero Dawn - come on; this could be epic.

There are probably a lot more I could think of, but I’m not really into games where you’re hard-coded into playing a single character anyway. I’d almost be okay with Mass Effect 1, except for the Virmire Survivor, and I dislike the idea that we’d probably end up watching a Paragon male Soldier Shepard romancing Liara and again, I don’t want there to be a ‘canon’ Shepard. But everything after ME1 falls down; you make too many changes to game state and those games are important because you can change the game state with your choices so taking that away by turning it into a movie and making one specific thing ‘canon’ feels like bullshit to me.

There’s all this possibility but instead Disney’s milking the Star Wars franchise. Look, I love the idea of The Mandalorian and the new Cassian Andor series and the Obi-Wan series they’ve been hinting at and Clone Wars (though I can’t watch any of it because Disney+ isn’t available in the UK), but maybe stories in the Star Wars universe that haven’t already been told? Stories that will get fewer people yelling? I mean, if you really must milk Star Wars for every penny it’s worth?

#Thess plays video games

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