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#they finally fixed the message thing
trainingdummyrabbit · 6 months
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in conclusion the most poignant thing about ruina is its running theme of Imperfection. imperfection, focused not on its flaws, but on the miracle of it existing to begin with. imperfection not as a failing, but as a triumph. its cracked, broken, deeply in need of repair-- but it's real and its ours and it exists. despite everything it exists and that enough is a relief beyond words, beyond expression. to present a toppled structure not as a conclusion, but an opportunity.
its the choice-- and the joy-- of looking forward, unflinchingly, and facing it. one step at a time.
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restinpeacesensei · 8 days
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traditional style 💖
#akoya gero#gero akoya#cute high earth defense club love#binan koukou chikyuu bouei bu love!#boueibu#my art#my akoya wanted to join in the vintage dress-up party too!! \;;w;;/#ognvuhgh i wanted to have this done earlier bc other people were doing art so fast for the new outfits but it got dragged out#it was Mostly done a few days ago and i made final edits and was going to post it just before i rushed out to work#i put it up then i was like '??? wait there's a color blob in the wrong place i thought i fixed that???'#i was down to my last minute and didn't have time to do it so i was like auuuughhgh and took the whole thing down#on the Next day i opened the file again to see what was wrong and the color blob was NOT THERE#so im like ??? why did it suddenly appear again in the png. so i looked and i made an error in naming my files#i accidentally named one of the versions 30 instead of 03 so it sorted into the last place instead of the actual most recent version (07)#so that is the reason i ended up being 1 minute late to work. and the lesson to me is i should not try to post at the absolute last minute#(i say this but if i don't get smth done i can't stop thinking about it. it bothers me constantly to have something almost finished but not#(and then it's difficult for me to focus on other tasks so this is why i feel like i have to just get it done before i switch tasks)#anyway i wasn't totally sure what era the traditional outfits are supposed to be from. im not knowledgeable about fashion actually T.T#i googled 'when were suspenders popular' and ended up just looking at old photos and clothing patterns from the 30s-40s#photos from back then were black-and-white can you believe it.. you have to actually look at drawings and paintings to find color#everyone who left me messages elsewhere: THANK YOU SO MUCH!! \>/////</ i will reply soon!! \;;W;;/
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theoryofwhatnow · 2 months
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sneak peak because i’m very excited about this drawing
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status update for you guys (because i know you’re just dying to hear of the latest /jk):
i’m working on the background now
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disdaidal · 9 months
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Finally got the dashboard update and I thought it's not going to be a big deal for me, but man, it is fugly. And I don't even know how to use it. :/
Luckily there are people out there who are always willing to clean up after staff's mistakes, so... thank you for that. <3
The only good change that just recently came out of this was the private messaging box update. Even that took them years to change it. :/
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transannabeth · 1 year
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*
#the thing about rebooting twilight and trying to fix it#is that the flaws of the source material are so so so deep and go beyond just like#dont be racist this time md cut the imprinting imo#it would involve being more aware of the toxicity of bella and edwards relationship (they won’t do that)#and there’s elements of this story that are so so so so mormon because smeyer IS mormon#not only is Edward painfully controlling; all the cullens are in on it (see book 3)#there’s a strong underlying message of sexism even among the female vampires really where they only get power once a man turns them#every single aspect of the werewolves are racist#like that’s what I’m leaving that as because I don’t have the tag space or spoons#the werewolves in twilight ARE RACIST. smeyer made up stories and mythology and the depections#of the quileute tribe ARE RACIST from the very beginning#and the fact that jasper not only was a high ranking confederate#but also ILLEGALLY JOINED because he was too young? what the fuck#that’s the tip of the iceberg I wrote a whole final paper on twilight and ran out of page space to do the proper dissertation I wanted#even Charlie y’all love Charlie. he has a terrible moment#when Bella punches Jacob after he kisses her because she doesn’t want him to?#Charlie’s reaction made me pissed I can’t remember it exactly#I’m not saying you can’t read twilight#clearly I still talk about it because it’s interesting to me from a writing standpoint with how bad it is#but I don’t think this is one we should try to ‘make better’#and hot take we don’t need a reboot like barely a decade later#write an original vampire story. learn from twilights mistakes.#i do not think we need to be returning to this ip which is deeply broken and hurtful#yes much of the backlash against twilight was sexist#but there are also valid reasons to dislike and criticize twilight we cannot forget that#unless quileute people are quite literally writing the script#i can see no situation where they are treated with the respect and monetary compensation they deserve#and that is only addressing that singular issue#i don’t even know if a consultant from the quileute tribe would be enough#here’s your rant of the day
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miabrown007 · 1 year
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not taking responsibility for the person I inevitably become when a sad blond boi shows up on the horizon
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mozzygan · 6 months
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:)
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tiredsadpeach · 1 year
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I don’t think any of my friends would even notice if I just isolated myself lmao
#so I’m gonna do it!!!!#I don’t feel like any of them care anyway#I only have three friends btw no surprise there#honestly it’s a miracle I have any but yknow#it doesn’t matter all but one just continually forget about me even on days they Know are hard for me#and I’m not exaggerating because one sorta checked on me and then I was semi comforting him instead and the other tweeted about hoping I’m#okay but did nothing to actually check on me or anything I’m just a passing thought its like I’m not even there#like a tweet on your priv about me is nothing compared to actually messaging me and checking on me#whatever I’m just a dead flower anyway since I never text first and then I see things where they complain about people that don’t text first#and I get even more self conscious and upset at myself but I can’t do anything about it because when I try lately things go wrong so why try#stop watering a dead plant they say lmao#not like I have trauma that stops me or anything#not like when I had decided I needed help or just someone to talk to it took me hours to finally text#not like I texted first to try and resolve an argument twice lately and you were just even more angry#idk what you want me to do#I just know what I can and can’t do#I haven’t been enough for you this whole year and I know if you leave that he’ll leave too that’s how y’all work#I honestly wanna deactivate my twt but that’ll just piss him off#I just need to live silently until I get the tax money#oh lol just remembered one time when I texted first to try and fix things he tweeted about how he wished he had just killed himself the#night before so he wouldn’t have to have that conversation just then!!!!!!#but no I’m just an awful person because I don’t text first
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Oh my GOD I have never felt more autistic in my fucking life than right now communicating with a bunch of presumably neurotypical professional people, WHAT THE FUCK ARE ANY OF THEM ACTUALLY TRYING TO SAY TO ME
JUST SPIT IT OUT FOR GODS SAKE
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hella1975 · 2 years
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my sunshiney friend who I’m convinced has never judged anyone in her life and doesn’t have a malicious bone in her body: hey did something happen to your spotify I can’t find you anywhere :(
me knowing full well I blocked her in the heat of menstrual-infused paranoia convinced she was going to somehow scan through all of my playlists and collect enough clues to find my online presence and expose me: oh that’s weird
#like I just brushed it off with the shittest lie ever lmfao#bc she asked for my spotify AGESSS ago and then randomly a few weeks ago#JUST BROUGHT UP ONE OF MY PLAYLISTS?#and I was faced with the terrifying realisation that this girl checks my spotify regularly#and i was like. god damn. if u were really weird and stalkery you could very easily find my tumblr blog from my spotify#like even just from the titles (not anymore bc i changed them all in the exact same paranoia session that had me blocking her lmfao)#and ive finally accepted (bc ive noticed it for years but kinda ignored it) that i get SUPER paranoid before my period hits#like every month it's a whole thing and it SUCKS#and im pretty sure i posted about this when i did it but that night i was just CONVINCED that my spotify was going to expose me#and i blocked every single person from my real life on it skhgskjdghjk#AND THEN SHE MESSAGED ME TODAY SAYING THIS I WAS LIKE SHIT FUCK I FORGOT I DID THAT#like no regrets it helps me sleep at night BUT STILL SDGHSKDGH#im terrified that one day she'll ask again and i'll use the same 'idk why spotify isn't working :/' excuse#and she'll try and fix it WITH ME THERE in a way that LETS HER SEE MY SPOTIFY or worse THE FACT IVE BLOCKED HER#like if she finds out i actually made the conscious effort to block her there really is no normal explanation for that#and actually her assuming the worst would probably be better than the truth bc the truth is so much stranger lmfao#she's literally so lovely too i feel so bad but not bad enough to unblock her#sorry bestie ilysm it's not you it is very much me and this bitch hella1975#music tings
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fellwhite · 2 years
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It's happening
Im self sabotaging again, as I've done all my life
This is a vent, you have been warned
#all happiness i had from the date has completely died out#I don't know what happened nor what to feel#up to yesterday she was messaging me for simple things with a couple pet names and just being lovely#yet today when we finally see each other again? colder than the fucking stone she's never been this cruel before#im totally willing to be with her in the good and the bad...but it's hard to do when anything you do gets completely rejected or ignored#i knew that this was a possibility of course but with how perfect everything was i don't understand i truly don't#im confused and on the verge of crying but I've been holding it back the whole day...the better the thing the worse the consecuence i guess#thank fucking god im no longer suicidal (i mean depression is always there but i can fight it now) because this would've surely left a scar#I just don't understand anything... why is this even happening where did i go wrong and how can i even fix it#thing is: although I'll definitely end up blaming myself i do know it's also something on her end#atleast in these moments of sanity i don't feel that guilty yet but I'll be dying in these following times#...guess this does confirm that it's not a simple crush but actual love right? because I've never felt this hurt before#like i don't give up and I don't plan to because with her i have experienced some of the happiest moments of my entire life#i know it's worth it... but i don't know how much more i can keep taking before crumbling apart#ah. this is why refused to let myself fall for someone again until a long time but that attempt was poorly executed#again though. what I've lived with her will stay on my mind and... if it comes to the worst I'll atleast treasure the memories i could keep#anyways ill end this here. i needed some venting because everything is aching right now but this does help even if just a little#vent
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good-beans · 2 years
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Nobody Touch me I'm emotional over Hamlet again
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insanechayne · 4 months
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~ ~ ~
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gremlingottoosilly · 6 months
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I met a guy in the Summer (dilf!Konig x fem!Reader)
Your boyfriend is an asshole. Luckily, his hot dad just returned from deployment. CW and Tags: Cheating, dub-con, size kink, daddy kink, age gap(reader in 20s, Konig is early 40s), Konig is a pervert, slightly obsessive Konig, love(and lust) at first sight, fingering, dom!Konig Word count: 3713 AO3
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“Just one more game, babe, don’t be a buzzkill. I don’t want to end at a loss.” You didn’t want to be a buzzkill, of course. You simply wanted to be a good girlfriend, have some domestically cozy date, and for your boyfriend to at least try to put an effort into being with you. It wasn’t much to ask for, really. You hoped so, at least. You didn’t want to be an annoying, nagging girlfriend who only ever waits for another reason to yell at him, but your patience started to run thin. 
You spend the past three hours either listening to his apathetic rambling about the shows he watched – really, you wanted to invest in stuff he liked, but an abnormally large amount of animes he talked about had 1000-year-old girls who looked like they were 10, wearing inappropriate outfits, and you started to raise the alarm. 
You also watched him play – and also listened to his rage quitting and angry voice messages to his team that, honestly, made you slightly anxious. You never liked loud people, people who were so easy to rage about something as silly as some colorful video game with too many characters to look after. 
So, like a good girlfriend would – you wanted to be a good girlfriend, he was such a nice guy before you started dating, and you need something to think about besides the tremendous amount of study work you are doing for college – you decided to go and look for snacks. Maybe bring something for him as well. 
— I’ll find something to eat, alright? 
He didn’t respond at first, so you shook his shoulder. Your boyfriend took off his headphones with annoying look on his face, half-turning to look at you. You gulped, suddenly feeling like a child in front of the principal – not a feeling that you were supposed to feel around your partner, but with him, you somehow constantly felt like you were being judged. 
— Nah, stay here. I don’t want my father to see you. 
— Ah…your father is at home? 
You never heard anyone else being at the house – big house, you must admit, and it’s embarrassing almost how you never thought about his family. He lives with his dad, apparently, and the depth of your relationships can only be judged by the fact you literally didn’t know what his father’s name was. 
— Returned from his fucking deployment. He’d ask too many questions about you. 
— You didn’t tell him about me? 
Ah, now you’re hurt a little bit. You knew it wasn’t anything serious or too committed yet, but you intended to make this work. To try and fix all the problems you can without ending things abruptly. 
— He never asked. Not like he cares too much, but…
An apathetic dad, huh. 
You started to slowly piece together the puzzle that was your boyfriend’s horrible boyfriend skills. Now, you want to meet the man who conceived him and kick him in the nuts for creating such an unlovable human being who somehow captivated your chronically lonely heart. 
— If you don’t want me to come and meet him, I can go home. 
He doesn’t answer because his queue is finally coming to another match – you simply nod, knowing everything you need to. You can grab a little snack for yourself, fuck off to your dorm and rethink your life choices while your roommate is getting pounded by some gruss British bloke with an accent that makes your ears bleed. 
You have dignity, and right now, it has asked you to get some snacks from the kitchen. 
*** Now, the only thing König wanted after returning from deployment was to take as many hot showers as he could, shut his bastard of a son up, and get some delicious food waiting for him in the freezer. He was already home for a few days, but adjusting is always hard when you basically fucking hate living at your own house. Of-fucking-course, his son was watching the house while he was away – and now he can’t even think of a good excuse to set him off to his mother. Too old to do this, and split custody never really worked when not even one part of the relationship wanted to take care of the kid. 
König closes the door of the refrigerator – of course, his son took every good thing that he stashed for himself. With a groan, the colonel fights the urge to finally throw him out of the house – a thing he needed to do a few years ago, just when he celebrated his 18th, but some sentimental part of his heart instead promised to help with finding a place close to the college. No good deed goes unpunished. 
With a groan, he takes a few steps from the fridge – and then he almost stumbles across an angel. 
Scheisse
Now, König never thought of himself as a predator who prefers running after college girls who might as well be his daughters. He never thought of himself as a gut who liked them young – his wife, god forsake her name, was his age when they started dating, and he hardly had any sexual encounters with a person under 25 in the past few years. Well, not like he had any sexual encounters in the past years, but…
The thing is – he never thought he liked girls with wide eyes, pouty faces, and trembling hands who were holding a bag of his cookies that he carefully stashed away from his son. 
You are wearing something cute, a nice skirt and an adorable pink cardigan that looks so cozy and warm and soft, and he fights the urge to grab your skirt and simply lift it, You’re dressed up for a cute coffee date, and König has to double check if he isn’t dreaming and no one has decided to play a prank on him and send him a cute callgirl. 
— Oh! Sorry. It’s yours, isn’t it? 
You give him his cookies back – but not before your fingers fished another salty caramel goodness out of the bag, and you bit it. He looks at your teeth, at your lips, and glimpses of your tongue – god, he is an old, dirty bastard because even his baggy pants aren’t enough to hide his boner. You have no right to look this pretty for a man who hasn’t seen a woman in three months and hasn’t had sex in the past few years. 
You lick the crumbs from your fingers – it’s such a deliberate action that he can’t believe he actually sees it, and it’s not even something from porn he used to like. 
— Ja. You can have it. 
He would give you the code to his bank account if you asked for it. 
— Thank you, sir. I’m…well, I assume if Paul didn’t introduce me to you…I’m his girlfriend. Nice to meet you. 
You lick your lips and take a step back, pressed against the counter. He looks at the sway of your hips, a bit of crumbs on your shirt, and almost brushes it away with his hands. It would be a good excuse to touch your chest – but he can’t be like this, he has to keep his urges under control, or else his son will never forgive him. 
Yeah, like he needs a better reason to throw his useless son from his home. 
— Girlfriend? He never spoke about you. 
You look sad, and he immediately curses under his breath. For a moment, you look too fragile – too real. He can’t handle this look on a woman, especially as pretty and young as you are. You bat your eyelashes, even involuntarily, and he already prepares to give you the keys to his home just so you’d stop with such miserable expressions. He has a spare bedroom. 
He has his bedroom with a bed that would be enough for both of you. 
— Ah. Um. We’re…I guess we’re not at this stage yet. 
— Knowing him, you’ll never be, Schatz. 
You look at him immediately – you’re offended, angry, and sad at the same time. There is a certain stubbornness in your eyes that immediately makes him want to simply scoop you in his arms, lift you, and drag you straight to the altar – and here he thought that his impulses over getting married would be over after his first divorce. 
— What do you mean by this, sir? 
You look uncertain now, he can see this in your eyes – and really, knowing his asshole of a child, he is almost sure that Paul never once got you off, either physically or emotionally. 
Now, König never once considered himself to be a good man. He has killed countless people, overthrown many governments, and made shitty jobs for shitty people way more than saving hostages to help the good guys – and in the romantic field, it’s even worse. Wife, unsatisfied with his controlling tendencies and inability to feel normal love for a human being – and a son who hates him because, in fact, he never once wanted to have a kid. 
He looks at you and sees a pretty young thing, still in college or freshly out of, probably without a stable job and normal social standing – a good girl won’t be with his son if she isn’t stupid or extremely desperate for a relationship. 
The thing is, König is also extremely desperate for another warm body next to his, to feel a woman beside him, to love and obsess over someone – he looks at your pouty lips and shaky hands, at the way you bite the corner of your glossy mouth, and he almost wants to drop you on this very table and fuck you until you’re crying under him. He can’t do just that, of course. It would probably make you extremely uncomfortable and scared, but…well, quite frankly, his son doesn’t deserve you. 
König is. 
— I won’t sugarcoat it, Schatz. My son is a Scheiß Arschloch…fucking asshole, that is. I’m surprised he brought home someone as cute as you. 
You feel embarrassment collecting in your body. Paul’s dad is a…interesting man. 
Tall, broad, very muscular – even his baggy house clothes aren’t really concealing his extremely interesting physique from your eyes. He looks yummy and tasty, and you fight the urge to eye the bulge in his pants because you’re a good girl, you don’t look at your boyfriend’s dad like this. 
König has greying ginger hair, locks already curling slightly at the lack of cutting, and you fight the urge to sit on the counter and get your palm in his scalp, massage his head gently, and pull him closer for a kiss. You feel like a dirty, horrible woman – your boyfriend is in his room, probably enjoying his time on your “date” while you’re lusting over his father. 
Then again, this date already felt like a disaster. This relationship, too. 
— Paul isn’t all that bad, sir. 
“He at least has a nice dick,” you wanted to add but stopped yourself. Paul is tall and somewhat strong – if he weren’t sitting at his computer all day, you would call him even muscular. And he has a nice dick, yes, even though he had no idea how to use it. You liked the idea of laying with him, of spraying your jaw trying to fit all of this in your mouth, but his kinks and his sex skills being directly taken from porn…not really your thing. 
You look at König and wonder if they are similar in all of the places. He is his father, after all. 
König catches your gaze locked on his bulge and smirks. 
God, if he knew his son had such a cute girl, he would ask her to come earlier. He is two weeks off deployment and probably won’t take another long contract for a few months because they just upped his retirement payings, and he can afford to slack off a little bit, only visiting the home base for some training and instructions for rookies. 
He can afford to retire and never worry about money again – but he needs someone to make his days less boring, right? 
You look like a good candidate. 
— I’m sure my son was convincing, but I know him better than anyone. He doesn’t deserve you, Schatz. 
He is shitty at flirting, it’s not his forte – he can flaunt his money, maybe, show you in his wallet and bank account face first. He can just straight up ask you to be his sugar baby and suck his cock instead of doing your studies, but he can’t flirt and manipulate to save his life. Lying isn’t something he is good for, this is why his wife has left. 
— I…not sure we should be having this conversation here. 
You’re a good girl, and it’s infuriating. He knows that having someone in his bed shouldn’t be the end goal for his leave, but he wants you, and by the look on your face, you aren’t opposed to the idea. König doesn’t understand if he likes that you’re so reserved about it or if he wants you to be a bit more slutty – but he captures you in the space between the kitchen counter and presses you with his body. 
— You want to see the bedroom then?
Pushes you so close his knee gets between your legs – it might look involuntary like he didn’t exactly want for it to be placed here, but you aren’t dumb, you know what he wants from you. Like a good fucking girl, you’re too shy to give it to him right about now. God, sometimes he hates being so nice to people around him. 
— Sir, this is very…
He got you caged in his hands, body trapped in his embrace – you jerk your head upwards a little bit, staring at him like a small bird in the hands of a predator. He isn’t a strong man in regard of morals, he doesn’t see anything wrong with fucking his son’s girlfriend – if the girl is up to it. And if she isn’t…well, he better make sure she is. 
— What is it, Schatz? Paul won’t hear us in his headphones.
You know just how wrong it is, and you almost want to escape – his dick grinds on your pelvis through his pants, and you’re horrified to see how big it is. Excited too, of course, he is bigger than your boyfriend ever could be, and you don’t want to be a slut, but, oh well, not like you were in a committed and serious relationship anyway. 
Paul was seeing your friends more than you ever saw them – it’s probably a sign that you should settle for someone older. You did enjoy Lana Del Rey's songs, after all. 
— I don’t want to break his heart. 
— He doesn’t have one. 
You’re lost when he pushes his lips to kiss you over and over again – a surprisingly good kisser, and you give in because it was the first time in forever a kiss made you feel this good. His lips are sending electricity down your spine, you want to moan just from his knee, pushing on the softness of your cunt through that adorable skirt you liked so much – you feel so small like this, so tiny in his hands, you…
God, you feel like a slut, and you like it. 
Soon enough, you answered the kiss, your lips meeting his in a dance that made you feel hot, that made you feel like your boyfriend never could. Never thinking of yourself as someone who can fall so easily into the hands of an older man, now you know that he got you right where he wanted. 
You push your hand on his pants, trying to get the control back – but he stops you, a giant hand enveloping your wrist and pushing you back. With a surprise on your face, König just wants to kiss you all over. God, you’re adorable, and he knows that you deserve way more than being fucked on the rough kitchen counter while your so-called boyfriend is too busy dickriding his friends in some useless online game. 
— Not now, princess. You deserve better than being fucked on the kitchen counter, ja? It can come later. 
“Later” sounds like a promise, and you bite back your moan when he keeps pushing his knee against your cunt, making you throb and clench on nothing. He is such a gentleman, you can’t help but compare him to his son – and his fabulous ability to make you feel dirty after fucking you in the backseat of his car and tossing you to your dorm with your pussy still wet and messy after you didn’t cum. 
You sob, not from sadness, but from pleasure mixed with some weird, unnatural for you emotions – you feel weird, strained here like this, but you hug his neck and whisper something in his ear. Something, dangerously sounding just like “daddy, please” 
König is blushing, and he looks fucking adorable. 
— Daddy, ja? God, you’re dangerous, liebling. Going to get me in trouble with my son later. 
He laughs when he kisses you again, his hand slipping in your panties only to find them completely soaked – he knows you deserve a nice pillow and soft sheets under your body, and he pushes you up so you can hug his waist with your legs. You rely on him like a cute pet, and you’re so perfect in his hands he curses himself for not seeing you before. 
He is going to ruin you for anyone but him. Put so much cum in you, it will make your tummy bulge – make you his precious sugar baby, pay for your dumb college and make you move to his bedroom instead of some shitty dorm you probably share with four other people. 
He can be good for you – but he will ruin you for anyone else, anyone appropriate, every guy your age who clearly doesn’t know how to treat a lady right. 
— So wet for me…such a filthy thing, I didn’t know my son dated a whore. 
— N…not a whore, please…
He kisses you on your forehead, silently apologizing. You feel his crooked, scarred smile, and you push your face up to kiss him – you want to touch him so badly it makes you feel stupid. 
— Sorry, Schatzen. Not a whore, a good girl for her daddy, ja? So nice for me, too fucking young…
— W…we really shouldn’t… — Tshhh, don’t think about it. Thinking will only hurt your pretty dumb head. — I’m not…
— Quiet, little one. Let daddy handle everything.
He kisses you over and over, his fingers playing with your pussy – meaty digits digging in your hole, making you whimper from sudden intrusion. He is big, bigger than anyone else, just two of his fingers are enough to spread you as much as normal cock would, and even though you’re used to taking Paul’s size, you just know that his dad would be much, much bigger. He is going to split you open, and you will love every fucking second. 
It feels so wrong, you still aren’t sure if you want him to touch you like this. 
It feels so right, he is experienced and eager, pushing every button to make you squirm in his grasp. Your orgasm comes embarrassingly quick – maybe because you haven’t gotten off in ages, only miserable masturbation sessions and poor attempts at faking your orgasm made it feel real. Paul never cared enough to actually get you off – but now…
You aren’t ready for him. You squirm in his grasp when the pressure becomes too much, and he soothes you, two fingers still buried in your soaked cunt. You feel so dirty, so wrong right now – you are cumming on the fingers of your boyfriend’s absent father, and you love every second of it. 
Post-orgasm clarity makes you whiny and sobby, and you whimper in his shoulder when he gently lifts you in his hands. God, you’re adorable, and he knows that he just scrambled your brain with that orgasm – it’s good, really, he might just want to keep your pretty head nice and empty for him. Not like you would ever need to think in his presence, the colonel can handle everything in- and out- of bed. 
König holds you close, not allowing you to scramble away no matter how embarrassed you are. You are his precious thing, with a pouty face, and he will do everything in his power to make you squirm on his fingers again and again before he makes you his wife for good. 
So impulsive, maybe this is why his son is such an asshole – taking the worst traits of his father. 
— Don’t cry, Schatzen. You’re okay, it felt good, didn’t it? 
— W…we shouldn’t have. Shit. I’m sorry, it was a m…god, I need to tell Paul. 
— I’ll tell him. 
— No! — I will tell my asshole of a son that you’re my girl now, ja? And then I will take you to the bedroom, so we can fuck. 
— I need to return to my dorm. 
— And then I will dine you properly, okay? Sorry, Liebling, I know I should court you before all of this…but we can afford to go a bit off board, ja? 
He is smiling, so smitten and obsessed over just having you cum on his fingers once – you don’t have the heart to say no. Never did. You’re a good, proper girl, and Paul was never treating you right anyway. You feel dirty, yes, but somehow, it is almost right. 
He peppers your face with kisses, like a dog lapping its tongue all over your skin – you’re so concentrated on the warmth of his strong, seasoned body that you don’t even look in the direction of the doorway to the kitchen. 
Paul, however, looks straight at you, disheartened and shocked. 
— W…what the fuck, dad?! König laughs, kissing you once again – deep, hot, with tongue and loud, sloppy sounds of your mouth pressing into one another. You’re stuck in place, still caged in his arms like a precious little pet you are. 
— She’ll make a good step mom, ja? 
You don’t even register his hands slowly caressing your fingers as if he already tries to check the ring sizes. 
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wordsarefakeokay · 7 months
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The universe told me to stop and reflect. The universe told me "don't escape the safe place you've built, learn to see it as home again. Reinforce the barricades and the borders, define your home, name your boundaries. Define what is safe for you and cut what is not. Be okay with your decision and while you do that learn to walk again"
My hands are my voice. I'm finding my peace in the writing. These thumbs have written more essays and fairy tales than on this here heaven and earth Horatio....or at least at a computer. There's no end to the strength and dexterity of my thumbs on my phone. Instead of telling trolls on that inconsequential app Twitter off I spend my time playing with words like preschool blocks and building castles out of cardboard. I am a kid again putting the voice to the thoughts I was too scared to express, to scared to share. I was blinded by the idea of happily ever after and that once the girl gets her prince or resolves her issues, that's supposed to be the end of the story. Aren't you happy now you have a man? Aren't you happy now you had one meaningful conversation with your mom, isn't it all water under the bridge by now?
Now I can say no one breakthrough is not a solution. It's an epiphany and how you respond afterwards is your truth. Will you wake up and try better, wake up and try at all, or will you think that the epiphany is enough and that therapy is a quick fix solution. Will you try at all or stay the same. Will you be there or will you be present, aware, active, engaging. Will you just sit in the room and think that's enough or will you try. Your response tells us everything.
So I sit here in my princess and the pea bed of mattresses and it's soft and home and clean and safe. I still watch fairy tales but now I look at all the characters and think about who's storyline has helped me grow the most in that hour and a half. Who's growth is going to help me with my own and now I find that it changes day to day. I am the hero of my own story and sometimes that means I'm the side character for someone else because my relationship with them matters to me, they matter to me but also by listening to my dear ones woes I can reflect on my own. The advice I give them also helps me. And I practice this when I'm watching a movie. It's not just observing cinematic experience in a moment, it's learning how the story unfolds based on how the director sees it and understanding the use and importance of dialogue. Only the best shows make it hard to choose which storyline applies that day because everyone and everything about the story is working in perfect harmony. And everytime I am different, unique, feeling a singular train of thought that day and the movie, the story takes me somewhere else. They still come with a sick beat and melody to match so some things stay the same. It is me who is different and wiser now. And that is okay. That is called growth.
So that is why it must be that the universe said "nah honey take a chill pill" and zapped me with the fortune of a few broken foot bones and some joint fractures for measure. When they bury me in the ground my right foot will look different from my left. Those bones don't look the way they do when I started this trainwreck rollercoaster called life. So I stay comfy and I wait and I wait. I manage pain and I wait and I wait. I see my doctor take the medication eat food and I eat the right food and I wait. And wait. And wait until my doctor says otherwise. I'm healing, and mending skeletal framework and rewiring my muscles. And everytime I get a little closer to having a normal life again I go right back to bed before waking up to try again. Can't you see that I'm trying?
So you're not welcome here. Your presence isn't safe. You aren't a safe space for me anymore and looking back on it I don't really think you were. I don't know how you clearly must be for other people. You are a volcano ready to erupt at a kids science fair at the earliest sign of Pepsi on Mentos. You are a fire hydrant who's lug nut did not get properly tightened on it's last task. You are a hallowed antique store that is precious to your small community that I'm terrified to enter because I'm not worthy. Because the person behind the counter is analyzing my every move my every breath and tallying every close call or smudged foot print I leave. They're preparing to sanitize every surface, polish every piece, freaking sage your safe zone from the enemy that apparently was me all along. I was walking on eggshells in your safe space, even when you opened it up to me. I was holding my breath Incase I breathed funny and triggered something in you. I was recounting verbal chess moves to see where everything went wrong. And at the end of the day I learned
We are not good for each other. We are not safe for each other. Your china shop is at your exact specifications and new elements are not welcome in your life. And that's your problem because you missed out on knowing me. You missed out on really knowing me. You saw what you could gather in a year and you told me I wasn't good enough. You told me the four deadly words to anyone's soul: you're not good enough. You asked me to change and never wondered what I needed from you if we were gonna stay in each other's lives. Stay as family. Be a family. Family makes room in the shops for you to visit. I wanted to look at your antiques and doodads and any memory you ever wanted to share that was neat or painful or funny or raw. Any memory that told me about you. Your antique shop was in black and white while I was there and all I wanted to do was know what colors went where. I wanted to know who you were in all the funny or scary or weird or nice microcosms about you. What makes you a person and can I be good in your life like I thought you would be in mine.
I guess we answered that question the day I broke my foot. It was the day you tried to fix things. It was the day you broke my heart. The kind of break you've been through before but you thought was behind you. The hurt that reminds you of your mom, the mom who's better over there out of my own book store.
And the worst part is that I know if I told you this you'd tell me that the antique china shop I described is actually a mom and pop OG game stop before game stop became popular. Itd be the hit place with the kids in the district or the kids in the group home or the kids in the after school DARE program rode their bikes and scooters and skateboards to while laughing at lessons and thinking about drugs and how the things "you're too young to mess with" are actually something you can get at the guy from the 711 on the way to the mom and pop store. You'd tell me that the antiques found in here we're the treasures of your youth, that the retro pieces of my time were the norm in yours. That every day nostalgia for you was an era away that I can appreciate like a fine wine. We are different and I was trying to understand what was in your store. I was trying to understand why this mom and pop shop stayed at this block with this community and supported this family and these kids. Why is this a safe place for others and not a safe space for me. I was trying to understand. Do you hear that? I was trying. to. understand. And you let me explore for a little bit I think I sneezed or laughed with you about something or maybe it was a comment or my body language or my attitude but I also could have just breathed wrong and you put up hazards saying "this place isn't safe with my little sister anymore" with everyone in your life on alert to figure out how to keep a sniper rifle trained on me. And from that first offense, every little mistake I made got worse, there was no end to punishments or tough fam conversations. I left a job because of that kind of treatment why are you surprised I blocked you? Why did you make your hurt my problem at the end of everything when I told you it was over and that I was done. Why are you like this? I hope you answer that question later for yourself one day so I'll say it again for spiciness. Why. are. you. like. this? Why can't you change?
The worst part about it is I know how you'll respond to all this and it goes a little something like this: you'd respond in a way that would make it about you just so you could have the last say and end this on a note where your hurt is my problem (again) and you would end it in a way that would prompt me to respond. You talk to hurt and be right so you can sleep at night and I talk to heal and grow. We're different. And when things go bad, things are worse before the bull breaks the retro shop.
The bull was you all along. Please know that before we talk again.
#things i wish i could say#things i wish i told my sister#a word in edgewise#i think i was writing a warm up earlier about something else and then this came out#so this became my first draft of something i wish i had told my sister when i finally cut her off#monologues#monologuesque#id write a soliloquy in ny sleep if it would mean she would change#i wanted to work things out so badly#honestly just for her wife at the end but still. i found two big sisters for the price of one#and her wife was more a sister to me than my actual sister was#her wife gets angry but she doesnt get mean#and she would never yell at me#or make me feel like im not enough#i got the message loud and clear from my own mother if my sister is just gonna keep telling me that everytime we talk and not also try to#fix her shit at the same time or value my trauma as the same as her own well#fuck out of my life the doors right there#and i dont need you to contact me so ill block your ass on the way out ya asshole#dont be surprised when i dont want to try if you wont either#that kind of relationship is not worth my time until you change yourself#fuck you for hurting me and then thinking you can brush it away with an apology#the hurts still there dickhead#okay im done#theres obviously a lot left unsaid and i wish more than anything i could just out it behind me once and for all#but things still feel unresolved and i just know#i just know. shes going to show up after a cool enough period when things are good for her and shes feeling a high and she wants to brag#and tell me shes right and that she was kind of wrong but shes still right and i know that mentality will be sooo hard for her to break bc#its the only mechanism she has to help her sleep at night#anyway grrr#writing
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amu-says-hav-says · 9 months
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I can’t believe I went through all of Season 2 assuming Nina was the stand-in for Crowley when you actually pay attention it’s so CLEAR that she’s Aziraphale. I was tricked by her spiky, sarcastic, cynical outer shell and lulled into a false sense of security by Maggie’s bubbly optimism and wholesome goodness, because on the surface they reflect the ineffable husbands perfectly, in their personalities, their aesthetics, even many of their actions and morals. but not, and this is the real key, when it comes to their “relationship”. but those first impressions really had me damn fooled. 
I missed the blatantness of Nina’s “we’re just friends. actually we’re not friends. we barely know each other.” the same thing Aziraphale said in season 1.  the way he still struggles to quantify their friendship when Nina asks. Nina’s sarcasm when Crowley asks about rain and awnings because it worked for him (we all know it LMAO). hell, that whole convo the girls have in the rain is so AziraCrow (“I know. I’m not your type” “...You have no idea” hits so much harder the second time, help meeeee.) “Lindsay” maybe being symbolic of Heaven and Aziraphale’s toxic relationship with them and their abuse? (the handwritten text messages in red pen make me think of angry notes on paperwork, anyone else?) because Crowley has never actually cared about what Hell thinks of him, just not getting into trouble (or him or Aziraphale getting hurt). Maggie is always chasing Nina. NINA NEVER GOES IN THE RECORD STORE. Just like Crowley always goes to the bookstore, to Aziraphale, Zira NEVER WENT TO THE FLAT (apart from The Swap but that doesn’t count imo). Crowley has always chased Zira, not the other way around. Always there to rescue him, always going to him for company, always relying on their shared connection, always US. OUR SIDE. All through season one, he comes to Zira every time to work together, never trying to work alongside Hell in any way that isn’t to save their skins or Earth, while Zira hides things from Crowley because he STILL thinks Heaven is ultimately good and will do the right thing if he can just show them. fix it from the inside. 
Maggie working up the courage to finally say something, to put herself out there, while Nina is utterly oblivious and then when she does realise Maggie has feelings, becoming standoffish, putting up that barrier, fighting it, denying it, ITS SO CROWLEY AND AZIRAPHALE IN THAT ORDER. the way I was fooled into thinking Nina’s trust issues are Crowley because he does have trust issues ofc he does BUT Crowley has ALWAYS TRUSTED AZIRAPHALE. has always relied on him. has always been hurt when Aziraphale doesn’t immediately reciprocate the way he expects (the holy water request, the bandstand, the “off in the stars” etc). he’s always the one putting himself forward. Aziraphale has always been the one to second guess everything, to fight their connection, their similarities, their friendship. the girls really made me think it was going to be okay when they sat Crowley down, even as my inner sirens were going haywire about Metatron interfering, they were telling Crowley he just needs to open up and it’ll all work out BUT HE’S ALREADY AT THAT POINT. he may not say it, and by gosh is that part of their damn problem, but he’s always SHOWN IT. he’s not Nina who needs time to heal and recover from her broken trust, he’s always been Maggie believing it doesn’t matter, they’ll end up together in the end anyway AND I WALKED RIGHT INTO THE TRAP THAT THIS MEANT THEY WERE GOING TO BE OKAYYYYYYYYYYY
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