#they fight fucking cannibal Wolverines in that one

[someoneimsure]

I saw that you like red wall(I've only watched the animated series), and I was wondering if you've also seen the secret of nimh?

Hell yeah I have! It's one of my favorite Don Bluth films, right next to the original Land Before Time.

Did you know the book and movie are two vastly different experiences?

The Book:

The Movie:

It helps that the book has no magical elements at all and is just showing the lives of rats with human intelligence--and of course Mrs Frisby and her sick son, Timothy.

Did you know that the original book was actually written and published in response to real life treatment of rats? Specifically, an experiment by John Calhoun from a real life research facility called National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH)? The experiment is on overpopulation and how it affects the health and mentality of animals, with rats and mice natural being a general stand-in for humans. The results are actually horrific.

TL;DR: When space and available mates become scarce, animals stop reproducing and become depressed because they can't travel to find new mates and fulfill their purpose in life. No brainer, right?

Though... The research might be more applicable to studying potential problems from colonizing other planets that require us to create spaces for our species to survive. Humans tend to be one of the most adaptable species on the planet, even more adaptable than rodents since they have to evolve to fit the environments and humans just make machines that supplant evolution entirely, so the research might not be as helpful as we might like. Just another reason to can it entirely.

I have a question for you! <3 Have you ever heard of this book series?

If you really like the Secret of Nimh movie, I highly recommend checking this out. And if you really like Redwall and want something more grown-up and sci-fi, check out the book: Mrs. Frisby and the Rats of Nimh.

I can happily report that the Redwall series and the books are extremely similar, though Brian tends to add paragraphs of food descriptions. Where are they getting the milk, Brian?? Who are they milking!? Why are they baking things that need eggs, Brian?? Birds are people, too!

In the Redwall book, there's a lot of continuity weirdness. Scourge shows up in a giant horse-drawn carriage containing thousands of rats when later books have no horses and also the carriages are more badger-sized. It's an awesome image, though, so I can't complain. It's a real shame they didn't make a dark movie about it.

I caution you about some of the things Brian writes. He rarely has good "verminbeast" characters (and those usually are simpletons) and even characters that should be considered good are treated by the narrative as evil (Outcast of Redwall is a whiplash of emotions, let me tell you, and Triss and Taggerung are both basically Mary/Gary-stus respectively.) And some tropes are extremely repetitive. A lot of the villains are cartoonishly evil to an almost hilarious degree--even as a kid I was laughing at Gabool the Wild and his absolutely insane obsession with a bell.

I would recommend Martin the Warrior and the sequel Mossflower, Mariel of Redwall and the sequel Bellmaker, Marlfox (for the chaotic fox family), Pearls of Lutra (for the nuance in the cats), The Long Patrol (for the bunnies and actual nuance), and of course Redwall and the sequel Mattimeo for the best Basil Stag Hare moments. Outcast of Redwall is my personal fav, but my boy Veil was done dirty at the end there.

And if you like to read a story and universe similar to Redwall but is more linear and focused on one small cast, there's the Mistmantle Chronicles.

I am missing one book in the series so I can't say if it's all good. I find the lack of descriptors boring. These books are hard to find so I would just start looking for pdfs. Who knows? You might like the series better than I did.

#long post #sorry the long reply i got carried away #book recs #i once created a redwall fanfic that i planned to turn into an epic but eventually i canned the idea #and decided to use it as inspiration for original fiction #the book has been in progress for five years with no sign of actually getting written lol #asks #thanks for the ask! <3 #oh shit i forgot to recommend Rakkety Tam #that book sends me to a higher plane of existence with how wild everyone is #they fight fucking cannibal Wolverines in that one #and those things are monsters #the only shame is there wasn't a badger vs wolverine fight #totally missing out

[mattbrothersscriptwriter]

My Top 20 Films of 2017 - Part Two

Ok, so about ten minutes ago I finished watching my last 2017 film of the year. For my FULL list - all 127 films watched in order of preference - jump on over to my Letterboxd page: https://letterboxd.com/matt_bro/list/films-of-the-year-2017/

Alright, top 10:

10. Logan

In a time when a lot of people still bemoan the existence of so many comic book movies (occasionally, with a point) this has been a stellar year for them. Marvel’s triple whammy of Guardians of the Galaxy Vol 2, Spiderman Homecoming and Thor Ragnarok were all excellent, heartfelt, fun knockouts and Wonder Woman was a terrific showcase for both Gal Gadot and Patty Jenkins (not to mention hugely important in its own right). Only Justice League really fell back on old tired habits and resulted in a bizarre mashup of tone and purpose and featured the single most damning piece of CGI buffoonery ever conceived in Henry Cavill’s ‘we’ll fix it in post’ deleted moustache. That really is one for the ages.

But I could never have foreseen the power and beauty of something like Logan, a near-perfect capper to a spinoff trilogy that began with the God-awful Wolverine Origins. It’s strengths come from it’s convictions – this isn’t an episodic story servicing a franchise, this is a true stand alone character piece, focusing on the rarest of things – an actual ending to a beloved, previously untouchable, immortal superhero. Played out as a tragic western with claws, the film beautifully champions the importance of family and love, seen (at last) through the eyes of those that never dreamed they would experience it, let alone fight for it. With some fantastic action set pieces to boot too, this one really has its cake and its eat and is also a real sight to behold – I saw it for a second time in it’s gorgeous black and white ‘Logan Noir’ cut and every frame is a revelation. Huge props to Patrick Stewart too, delivering a devastating performance of a character is has also lived with for the past SEVENTEEN years.

9. Film Stars Don’t Die in Liverpool

This film is a heartbreaker. My God. Definitely the most surprising cinema-going experience I had this year. I went with a friend of mine and by the time the credits were rolling, there wasn’t a dry eye in the house – best encapsulated by a burly scouser sat behind us who was openly saying “Fuck me, didn’t expect that for a Sunday afternoon. Jesus! How bloody brilliant was that!? Got any tissues?’.

Focusing on the later years of Hollywood starlet Gloria Grahame (Annette Bening on Oscar sweeping form), it finds her semi-washed up and treading the boards in London where she meets and falls for Peter Gallagher (Jamie Bell – never better than this) another actor, half her age. The tenderness and straight forwardness of their pairing is so refreshing, never making an issue or point about the older woman/younger man dynamic unless directly challenged by other characters (including Gloria’s bratty sister Joy) or themselves. The most effective emotional beats of this film aren’t signposted and drawn out for Oscar clip schmaltzyness but instead hit you in a sudden burst of passionate regret; hurtful words said in anger or defence – truly proving that the most harmful things you can say to someone you love are all too easy to let slip out before you’ve had a chance to think about what you’re saying. But the damage is done.

The film-making here is exceptional too. What could have been a rather dry biopic is given such momentum through brilliantly executed scene transitions and a flashback-enhanced narrative that keeps us embroiled in the present day scenes of Gloria succumbing to cancer whilst we watch their initial courtships and brutal arguments from the months and years leading up to it. The supporting cast that includes Julie Walters, back as Bell’s mother and Stephen Graham as his brother are brilliant but this is Bening/Bell’s movie and they knock it out of the park.

8. Baby Driver

My big birthday blowout screening of the year, following last year’s Aliens 30th anniversary showing, Baby Driver did not let me down. All the usual energy, narrative foreshadowing and tightly controlled construction you’ve come to expect from an Edgar Wright flick blown out onto a much bigger and more confident scale. The genius pairing of getaway driver crime heist flick and vehicular musical allows for some hugely inventive set pieces, from the opening police chase set to Bellbottoms by the John Spencer Blues Explosion to the car-on-car parking lot duel with Queen’s Brighton Rock echoing through the tunnels.

Ansel Elgort delivers a breakout turn and everyone from Jon Hamm, Jamie Foxx and Kevin somebody-or-other are having a ball playing bad. The romance with waitress Lily James initially feels a little under cooked but it all plays into the escapist fairytale of the action and seeing them dance together in a laundromat whilst sharing headphones is one of this year’s purest joys.

7. Get Out

Where It soaked up much of the straight spooky horror acclaim this year, Get Out walked a much more tantalising and complex line between thriller, social drama, satire, comedy and horror – and pulled it all off effortlessly. Jordan Peele has long had grand cinematic aspirations as evidenced in some of the larger scale sketches in his fantastic show Key and Peele but this clearly represents everything he wanted to say and do in a debut feature. I think the odds of so perfectly nailing your voice and intentions in your very first film is astronomical but damn, he must be proud, not only of the film itself but the cultural reach, impact and resonance it has had with audiences.

Daniel Kaluuya is excellent as the everyman battling his own (rational) fears and paranoia before his instincts slowly become the domineering voice in the back of his head. Trust in oneself is the saving grace here and it’s great to see an array of other ‘traditional’ characters for this genre twist the knife and reveal their true colours. The “Rose, where are my keys” turning point is perhaps the tightest I’ve gripped the arm of my chair all year. And the eventual climax is one of the best examples of subverting expected genre tropes. Brilliant.

6. Raw

Speaking of confident debuts, Julia Ducournau’s is equally astounding. Not for the faint hearted, this queasy, cannibalistic coming of age tale is a near perfect slice of fucked up fever dream. It follows a young vegetarian attending veterinary college who is forced to eat rabbit meat in a sick hazing ritual – one that her fellow student and older sister has clearly already experienced. Slowly but surely, a triggering of her animalistic appetite grows, coinciding both with her own first steps into a sexual awakening as well as a growing sense of unease that something isn’t right in her family to begin with. 

The plot takes some nutty turns, not least in the last few minutes, but everything works; from the gorgeous imagery to the tonal juggling to the assured performances. This would make an excellent entry in an ‘arthouse does horror subgenre’ triple bill, doing for cannibals what A Girl Walks Home Alone At Night does for vampires and The Witch does for... witches.

5. Jackie

This is a breathtaking biopic - interested less in the broad strokes of history and what we think we know about the aftermath of one of the most infamous events of the 20th century and more in the nuanced, private, personal moments of grief in the public eye. Natalie Portman is astounding as Jackie Kennedy, nailing everything from the look to the voice to the affectations, and its the dreamlike, woozy way that the film unfolds that really draws you in and positions you in the eye of a hurricane. The JFK assassination was a monumental cultural milestone but this story asks you to put yourself in the shoes of a woman who was unavoidably trapped at ground zero - and largely all alone with her memories and emotions, despite the surrounding pressures of aides, the press and the American people.

This is supremely confident filmmaking, incredibly affecting and features another stand out score from Mica Under the Skin Levi.

4. 20th Century Women

The second film on my list for both Annette Bening and Greta Gerwig, this is a wonderful story about the strengths and flaws found in both the family we’re given and the family we choose. With an anecdotal, episodic structure, it is less focused on plot and more on the individual moments that the characters in our lives provide us with; how they affect our own life story and evoke memories of a certain time and place. 

It’s highly emotional, with touching asides and rambling voiceovers telling us numerous stories whilst keeping a sense of an anchor through the relationship between Jamie (Lucas Jade Zumann) and his mother Dorothea (Bening). The supporting cast is uniformly great, from Elle Fanning as the girl next door to Billy Crudup as a lonely tenant/handyman, this one really hit me hard. The late 70s period details, along with the soundtrack, and the sun bleached cinematography recalls the joy of discovering yourself through questionable music, bad decisions and rebellious behaviour. Check it out.

3. A Ghost Story

I doubt any other film this year left quite a long lasting impression as this one did. I couldn’t stop thinking about it afterwards and became rather obsessed with pretty much everything it accomplishes. It’s a fairly straight forward tale of a couple (Casey Affleck and Rooney Mara) whose relationship begins to feel the strain as they quietly realise they might want different things in life. We’re not privy to many more details, positioned as a voyeur which will continue as things unfold but before long, Affleck is killed in a simple car accident outside his home and seemingly rises from death to haunt his old home, dressed entirely in the hospital bed sheet his corpse was covered in. It’s a genius depiction of the traditional ghost - simultaneously off-putting, amusing, whimsical and ridiculous - and it’s also rooted in logic too. As the ghost continues to watch his Mara grieve for him (mesmerisingly encapsulated in an unbroken take of a depressed Mara eating an entire pie that her neighbour brought round), he (and us) slowly begin to notice time... breaking.

The way the passing of time is visualised here is beautifully simple - rather than the long slow fades that normally indicate transitions, here it is as sudden as the ghost turning around to look over his shoulder, through a series of hard cuts or sometimes, no cuts at all. That feeling of time literally slipping away is brutal and the ghost can do nothing but wander about, seemingly helpless to how fast things change. One moment, Mara packs up and leaves, the next a new family of three have apparently been living there for months. Ultimately, the film becomes a meditation on the importance we embue in places, not so much people. The house is the anchor - the core - of what the ghost latches on to and if you’ve ever had the feeling of wondering who lived in your home before you and who will be there after you’ve gone, this film will dig deep into your mind.

I found this to be a brilliantly low-fi way to tell a huge thematic story and the use of music throughout - including one central track in particular - only adds to it. If you can get past the pie-eating without thinking ‘da hell is this’, you’re in for a treat.

2. Dunkirk

I’m almost scared to put this so high. I’ve no doubt in my mind that it’s a five star film and it’s certainly the most visceral, immediate cinema going experience I’ve perhaps ever had (I caught it at the BFI IMAX, opening night, at a late showing and it truly does fill your entire periphery vision) but a part of me wonders if it will hold up on second viewing - i.e. if seeing it anywhere other than the IMAX will diminish it. Well, I’m sure it won’t be the same but I’m also convinced it won’t matter either because this is clockwork precision film making of the highest order; an exercise in narrative structure as well as simply being the most accurate representation of the event in question as there possibly could be.

Some people have complained that this film does a disservice to its characters but I disagree. The power of this story is that it’s the tale of the everyman - how all of these people, no matter the extent of their involvement or the merits of their bravery, became heroes. I don’t need to see the ‘movie’ version of this - where characters chat about their backstories or show photos of loved ones or do every other cliche around. I KNOW all that is going on within the frame but I don’t need to see it. What we’re seeing is the immediacy of these events, which heightens the terror and the hopelessness felt by everyone on that beach or in those boats or in those planes. The land/sea/sky split is impeccably done and the devotion to practical battle scenes is stunning. The aerial dogfights - in full IMAX - practically made me feel like I was strapped to a wing. But even looking past the spectacle, the performances DO bring out the heart of the characters we’re presented with. From Cillian Murphy’s PTSD riddled soldier to the steely determination of Mark Rylance to the rather genius casting of Harry Styles - the exact kind of kid who would have been swept up in this war - everyone is all in and they all blew me away. Especially Tom Hardy, in perhaps his most restricted role yet (it’s like Bane meets Locke), who garners the biggest cheers.

And Hans Zimmer’s epic score can make me sweat just thinking about it. A perfect compliment to the tightening framework and increasing stakes of the action.

1. La La Land

Where do I even begin with this? Full spoilers ahead, I couldn’t help myself.

Clearly, this isn’t a film for everyone. And I get that. Some people think it’s fine but kinda hate musicals. Others get frustrated with the character’s choices. Others would have preferred it to actually remain a musical throughout. I understand all of these criticisms but for me, it does perfectly what it sets out to do. 

First of all, I personally love the musical numbers - from the jaw dropping opening of Another Day of Sun to the kinetic, glamourous rush of Someone in the Crowd to the heartfelt yearning of City of Stars. I think they’re great tunes, wonderfully performed and exceptionally shot. I think of the long one-shot takes of the first, the swimming pool splashdown of the second and the little smack on the shoulder of the third. They’re rooted in feeling, in character and in the tradition of Hollywood. They wear their influences on their sleeve but never feel like a parody. And to me, the sudden shift away from being a flat out musical at the end of the first act is not a misstep but entirely organic - this is the rare love story that has its head in the clouds (romantic dating montages, dreamlike dancing through the stars) as well as being brutally honest about what we want, how we get them and the sacrifices these things cost. 

The movie starts out as this fantastical anti-meet-cute before morphing into a romantic fable full of wonderment but the moment the characters get together, it switches gears and becomes more grounded in reality. The music largely stops and the real world catches up. Arguments are had, compromises are made, promises are broken. This is the harsh truth of getting what you want at the cost of losing what you’ve perhaps always wanted. The tension between Sebastian (Ryan Gosling) and Mia (Emma Stone) becomes uncomfortable - he’s lying to himself about doing what he must to achieve his real dream, even despite Mia’s support and she is battling her own demons in chasing hers. It’s only when the film brings them to their lowest points does it slowly turn back into being something more magical. Sebastian returns to Mia with the news of a new audition, which results in the most raw song/anecdote of the film ‘Audition (The Fools Who Dream), and just as we’re swept into the happy ending we were promised from decades of these movies, the pair realise they have to do their own thing. “We’ll just have to wait and see”...

The film’s extended epilogue is where it really doubles down on this idea. As we’re treated to a return of the ‘full blown musical’, we see the true Hollywood version of this entire story, played out in dreamlike fast forward. Sebastian leaping off his piano to kiss Mia the second he meets her, the villainous J.K. Simmons snapping his fingers and stepping aside, Sebastian giving a standing ovation at Mia’s one woman show that he missed entirely before, the two of them travelling to Paris and crafting a life together that Mia actually did alone. On the surface, it’s a joyous, colourful, happy finale but the final curtain reminds you that it’s all been... a daydream. The road not travelled. So while the film ends with them both achieving their own desires, they’ve lost one another. This is the all-too-often-true cost of creative pursuit and fulfilment and it’s so rare to see it held aloft in the final reel of an Oscar winning movie that appears to be the exact opposite on the surface. 

It’s daring, brave and imaginative and it hit me like a ton of bricks. Maybe I’m too soppy and maybe I’ve just ruined the entire plot for you (I definitely have) but I just couldn’t see anything topping this the moment I saw it. And I guess I was right. Damien Chazelle is a wizard and I can’t wait to see what comes next. 

#top 10 #Films of 2017 #2017 #logan #film stars don't die in liverpool #baby driver #get out #raw #jackie #20th century women #a ghost story #dunkirk #la la land

[ecotone99]

{SF} The Spoilers Ruin Everything

{SF Satire} The Spoilers Ruin Everything

By DWG

Since the Spoilers had come, everything kind of sucked.

They wore long fuzzy white robes and purple plush hats that were pompous and had a smooth velvety feel to them. They smelled like pimp juice and had Star Wars TV shirts on but they were always full of puns like: I AM THE DARK SIDE with a picture of James Earl Jones instead of Darth Vadar or C3PO FOR GAY ROBOT RIGHTS with R2D2 painted like a rainbow flag. They even had their very own Miley Cyrus dogs on a leash. They all had a male dog’s body with Miley Cyrus heads with the tongue hanging out and all they did was suck their own balls all day.

We don’t know where they came from. Did they crawl out of the basement abyss? Did they all live with their mother? Was it even possible to have that many fat overgrown late forties white men smelling like Burger King in one city? Soon they spread across the mid-west and a few Spoilers were in Canada. They loved to go around and tell people things. It was as if they could read your mind.

First it was small things like they just knew what TV shows you were into, they were television psychic. If you were a Game of Thrones fan, they would ruin the show for you if you hadn’t read the books. If you hadn’t seen a movie that just came out, they would tell you how it ended and why it sucked before you had a chance to see it. Then they got personal, they seemed to know intimate details about our lives. An acne-crated Spoiler in a pimp hat with a neon overcoat wearing a Yoda shirt that said: BRINGING SEXY BACK, AM I? came up to me and my friend Diandra at the bus stop. He told me, “Your mother never forgave you, she died thinking you hated her!” and then he turned to my friend Diandra who had been dating the same guy for eight years, “He is never going to propose to you, he is cheating on you with your sister Rhonda”. I flew into a rage and grabbed the fat bastard by his shirt and flung him into traffic, he smelled like old cheese and pit sweat. A bus came by and—SPLAT!

We were covered in lard and internal organs. A dozen undigested cheeseburgers from various fast food joints filled the pavement and a homeless man grabbed them and began eating. The smell lingered grotesquely like cat urine burning my nostrils.

I prepared myself to be arrested for manslaughter but instead the people at the bus stop began to applaud. They said things like, “Way to go! About time somebody stood up to those assholes! They told my daughter that Justin Bieber was really created in a test tube to be a pop star, I knew that but she liked that lesbian,” I smiled, Diandra patted me on the back.

That was when we decided to kill all the Spoilers.

We started a movement.

Occupy Comic Con.

We called ourselves the Secret Keepers. We wore shirts with pictures of Nostradamus shot in the head that said, “WE DO NOT WANT TO KNOW THE FUTURE!”

A man came out as a Spoiler and was crucified by the media.

He went on Twitter and outed gay celebrities before they had a chance to out themselves on the cover of People and Binge and Squeal like a Kardashian magazine.

He told people who was going to win the Super Bowl that year. He said he was chosen by God to spoil things and he had visions of the past, the future and TV show finales. His name was Tom Cassandra. He told us about books, movies and TV shows that were still in preproduction years in advance, what the trends would be for the next 20 years and what the next controversy would be. What celebrities would die year by year. We tore him limb from limb and cannibalized him on Skype to an adoring audience. The revolution had begun! Operation Occupy Comic Con was under way.

The first rule of secret keepers is that we don’t know where the secret keeper meetings are held until the late minute which makes commuting a bitch. The second rule of secret keepers is that we cannot use our real names, we have to have code names. I called myself Wolverine, Diandra called herself Cleopatra and we were lead by Giant Boner of America. He was a wise old Buddhist monk who had come out of seclusion and broke his vow of silence to help us take down the spoilers.

“Fuck those know-it-all, motherfuckers!” he said, “Enlightenment can only be achieved by shutting the fuck up! So let’s kill these nerds!”

We quickly learned the behavior of Spoilers. They liked McDonalds, Burger King, Taco Bell and occasionally Wendy’s. They rode those electric carts at Walmart and farted as they passed you in the aisles. They went to Comic Cons, a lot. I mean, A LOT. They were into hentai tentacle porn and only liked Asian girls. They travelled from city to city to get all the best swag and then sell it on Ebay. They always bought ten issues of the same comic book and then spoiled the ending by publishing the last page online.

We set up the bombs shortly after noon that Friday the 13th. Two furries were fucking behind a dumpster while a guy in a Chewbacca costume was jacking off a guy dressed like Nick Fury. A group of Whedonites were talking about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Firefly and how they were the best shows that had ever existed since the beginning of time. Before we knew it there was an explosion and screaming and a decapitated Chewbacca head spinning in the street. I was surprised they hadn’t seen that coming.

Then things got really ugly.

As hard as we fought back against the Spoilers, they got more vicious. They weren’t just fucking with people’s entertainment, they were fucking with people’s lives.

In Chicago, a fat guy wearing a coat made of green monkey fur approached a young couple and whispered to them how their first child would die. The man pulled out of a knife and stabbed him to death. The cops came but refused to arrest him. It was as if we had all made a silent pact to kill all the Spoilers and we would not let anyone stop us. The Spoilers just couldn’t help themselves though, they started to dress in disguise so we didn’t recognize them. They wore FUBU clothes and NorthWest jackets and even L.A. Raiders shirts to blend into the crowd.

A Spoiler in a porkpie hat approached an elderly woman at a Walmart and told her the exact month and day and hour of her death, she pulled out a knitting needle, stabbed him in the eye and then drove away on her electric powered cart. An employee shouted, “Cleanup on aisle 6! We got some human garbage over here!”

The Spoilers took to the internet and spoke of being persecuted, they said they were modern day Jesus types and that it was all part of a government conspiracy to suppress the truth. They said JFK was an alien, they said Elvis was still alive, they said James Dean was really black and that Obama could shapeshift into Taylor Swift on weekends. We knew they were just making shit up at this point to throw us off their trail. It wasn’t until a Spoiler named Arthur McFadden III Jr. spoiled a terrorist attack plotted by a Norwegian militant named Sodarnmadatjerall that things took a strange shift.

Suddenly a spoiler had saved thousands of lives. He had spoiled a major disaster and saved a country from another 9/11. We were screwed.

He was given the Congressional Medal of Honor.

That was when things got weird.

The President put a no kill policy on spoilers.

Spoilers have the right to spoil, just don’t listen or read the paper or go on the internet, he said, it is your own choice to allow yourself to be spoiled.

Angry protestors lashed out at the President. Amanda Billingsworth of the Anti-Spoilers Society of America or A.S.S.A. said, “The President is asking us to exercise self-control and make informed decisions, I don’t know about you but that is not the America I grew up believing in! I expect immediate gratification and people to bend to my personal likes and dislikes!”

The audience cheered.

Some people didn’t want to listen and were arrested for dragging a Spoiler behind their car for five miles in Alabama and then hanging him from a tree.

Crosses were burned on the lawn of a family of Spoilers in Louisiana.

Suddenly people were fighting for the rights of Spoilers, there was even a Million Spoiled March of people walking hand in hand with Spoilers. It was catered by McDonalds who spoiled the secret of their own food by making their new trademark: Our Food is Awful and Will Slowly Kill You. Stop Loving it! But that only made people want it more. After all, people wanted the happy meal toy even if that meant plumping up their children into butterballs. After so many years of eating nothing but fast food, a person’s skin would get greasy and yellow and their transformation into a Spoiler would begin.

After the Spoiler Rights Act of 2018 passed, no one could do harm against another Spoiler.

On a daytime talk show a woman reunited a mother with her Spoiler son who had a falling out after he spoiled her relationship with her ex by telling her that the man didn’t really love her and fantasized about dolphins during sex.

They made an entire movie about Spoilers.

It even said how much it would make in the ads for it, the reviews were written by critics who gladly spoiled the ending and every aspect of the film but people still went to see it and it won the Academy Award that year. The Spoilers walked up to the stage before the envelope was opened because they knew they would win.

IT IS OKAY TO BE SPOILED, Oprah screamed on the cover of Rich Bitch magazine. Once Oprah says something is true, no one else can oppose her. (There was also a great article on 2000 ways to jack off your man with inanimate objects but I digress).

We knew then that we were defeated.

Now we live in a world without surprises.

I don’t get angry when some guy at the bank tells me when my car is going to break down or what happens on my favorite TV show that night. I realize now that nothing matters. Every single aspect of our lives is mapped out now, there are no surprises. We have no free will anymore. I met my wife at a rave because a Spoiler came up to us and said, “You two are going to get married one day.” I smiled and introduced myself.

Before we moved in together, the realtor turned out to be a spoiler woman who said, “The place is horrible and smells funny but it’s really all you can afford, anything else you look at they will reject you because you have shitty credit so you might as well sign up now.”

We did.

Our doctor told us the sex of our child before my wife even knew she was pregnant, he left it on her voicemail and said he was sorry but it just came to him in the middle of the night.

So we weren’t surprised when the barista at Starbucks told us what the name of our child would be. We told him to hold the whip and thank you. We named our child Leviathan in case you are interested.

After a while it’s comforting to live in a world with no surprises, where free will and destiny are essentially meaningless.

As I cross the street today, I do it knowing that today is the day I am going to die, I was told this seven years ago. A lesser man might try to avoid this fate but others have tried and they end up dying in other ways that are even more horrible and painful. You cannot be unspoiled. If you try to be unspoiled or ignore your Twitter feed or don’t go on Facebook they will find you and spoil you somehow.

When the car hit me, I knew the face of my killer, it had been spoiled for me.

It was the same guy who did my taxes. As I laid there bleeding in the street, feeling the life drain out of me I heard a fat kid on his mother’s lap eating a cheeseburger say, “He’s going to die in the ambulance, Mommy.”

And guess what? I did.

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[youngerdaniel]

2017: A Year at the Movies

It’s that time again, folks. A year has gone by, and I spent a lot of it on my ass in dark rooms watching moving pictures. But this year is special! For the first time, my annual list of films worth seeing comes with FILM SCHOOL CRED. 

What does that mean? Well, I guess I could delve into a deeper analysis of the chosen flicks... But let’s be real, you’re not here for that. So let’s just give the cred its cred and get into it.

2017: The raging dumpster fire of a year seems to be built on a foundation of terrifying surprise and disappointment. Everybody’s saying it, because it’s very much the truth—the world has gone batshit.

But it’s also been a remarkably good year for movies. When I try to list my absolute favorites, it gets difficult to rank them. Some gems in the indie circuit; some solid blockbuster fare. So rather than rank ‘em, I say fuck the numbers. Here’s what you should watch. Top 10:

Call Me By Your Name

Jesus, Gawd. The last 20 minutes of this movie alone are worth the rest of it. A beautiful tale of friendship, love, identity... and how all of these things can be tremendously confusing. I wasn’t fully hooked until around halfway through, but good leftovers gravy am I glad I stuck it out.

The Big Sick

It warms my heart that this lovely gem of a film is based on a true story. This movie is... Well, it’s fucking great. Amazing comedy, perfectly timed and nuanced drama. For we of the cynical Gen Y/Millennial crowd, this is the rom-com we needed, because grand gestures don’t work, there is no rushing to the airport, and there’s some surprisingly deep work at play when it comes to a timeless conflict in matters of the heart: family values vs who you love. The cast is on fire. The script is gold. If you missed this movie, you’re using your smartphone wrong.

The Bad Batch

If you tell me Ana Lily Amirpour made a film, I already love it. I’d been wooed ever since A GIRL WALKS HOME ALONE AT NIGHT, and when the grapevine started juicing on Amirpour’s newest joint, a dystopian survival tale, I was sold. When I finally got to sit down and watch it, I was blown away by how much of a visual storyteller Amirpour is. The visual pallette alone is drool-inducing. But the amount of worldbuilding and character development done free of expository bouts of dialogue is just tremendous. Now, that being said, the story involves cannibals, a lot of dismemberment, and perhaps just a bit too much shirtless Jason Momoa... But if that’s your thing, this one’s for you.

Lady Bird

Look, everybody’s already ranted to you about how great this movie is. You should really see it. No? Okay. Fine. It’s a fantastic, fantastic coming of age tale. Herein you’ll find a dysfunctional family, some well-drawn mother-daughter tensions, and a beautiful exploration of the thing that happens to most well-adjusted adults—the moment where you realize you’re grateful to your parents for everything they’ve done, despite the fact you’ve been a shit about it for the past 6-10 years. If that doesn’t strike a chord with you, maybe watch this movie and get a therapist?

Wind River

And speaking of getting a therapist, you might need one after this. Wind River is not by any stretch an easy film to watch (CW: rape scene late in the second act), but it is a gritty mystery that does what any crime story should well: it highlights a particularly ignored dark spot in North American society: the unaccounted-for loss of countless First Nations women on reservations. The politics are tied to the heart of this story, but rarely does it come off as preachy or a gimmick. At its heart, this mystery is a character study. In fact, nearly all of the moments that really sing are the quiet moments between the bigger set pieces. That being said, there’s a standoff sequence that happens late in the movie that is FUCKING INTENSE. You need a strong stomach for this one, but I was really impressed with it; the simplicity and effectiveness of the writing, the stark visuals, the top-notch performances. It’s great.

Logan

Logan made my cry. Actually, I’m pretty sure all of these movies coaxed a tear. But here’s the thing. I don’t actually give a shit about Wolverine. He’s not my favorite X-person. He’s definitely not my favorite anti-hero... But this movie was fucking exceptional. Not only does it take Logan’s character to an honorable and earned conclusion, it shows us that superhero movies don’t have to be for kids; they don’t have to follow the same old formula of “good guys learn something and win”... Of course, conventions are played with in this movie, but almost always to toy with your expectation as a viewer. You never know for certain if Logan’s going to make it out of this one on top... And when it ends, you won’t feel the same “Enh” that usually comes with the credits of a big I.P. movie.

Baby Driver

If you go into Baby Driver planning to take apart the story or to really delve into the character study of a young getaway driver... You’re missing the point of this movie. Instead, go in expecting a musical that happens to revolve around crime, and a young getaway driver’s learning that crime is only fun to a point. It’s a great thematic deconstruction of heist and getaway movies, showing us why we enjoy these things before peeling away the layers of heightened idealism until we just see the truth: crime is where people die and innocence is lost. (CW: Kevin Spacey, one of the newly minted shitstains of Hollywood garbage men... But he’s a nominal force.) It also has a killer soundtrack, some of the best driving sequences to grace the screen for a while, and it’s all tied together with that expertly stylized fantasy vision that belongs to Edgar Wright alone.

Ingrid Goes West

The thing I love most about this fiendishly unrepentant social media satire is that it will legit piss off people who buy into the whole “Insta-lyfe”. It picks apart how easily one can manufacture a personality or brand online that in no way represents who they actually are. It also, with zero subtlety, highlights just how fucking batshit our world can get when we start valuing our online avatars more than the people behind them. Of course, it wouldn’t be a proper satire if the facade didn’t shatter, and where that takes the story of this troubled young woman as she tries to manufacture the life she’s been double-tapping in her feed? Well... I thought it was bloody brilliant.

Band Aid

A small screen gem that totally destroyed me on the first viewing. Strap in with tissues and follow this quirky dramedy which follows a couple reeling from the fallout of a miscarriage. They’re not coping well, and in order to save their marriage, they decide to start turning their fights into songs. Sounds cute, right? But that’s the thing about cute band-aids: they don’t heal the wound on their own. Check this one out for some brilliant and bizarre bits of comedy, some hilarious songs, and some moments that are just heartbreaking. I wanted to give this movie #1 with a bullet, but then again, I’m not ranking this year, and how on earth could I forget...

Get Out

This movie was amazing. I knew it would be from the first time I saw its trailer, but good zombie Jesus on a popsicle stick, did it deliver. Social horror is the best horror, because as weird and horrible as the movie gets, everything that happens in it actually fucking happens every day of the year. No, not not a young person of color getting kidnapped and brainwashed by a bunch of upper-class white people... Jesus, do you actually watch movies literally? Do you not understand allegory? Does the subject of race, and how privileged upper-class assimilation looks through a Twilight Zone lens make you uncomfortable? Then...

You thought I was gonna write “Get out!” didn’t you? Nah. Go watch this movie. If it makes you uncomfortable, good. 

BUT DANIEL, WHAT ABOUT THE LAST JEDI?

I liked it, okay? It wasn’t perfect, and I’m sure I’ll get into that in more depth in a later post (or perhaps even in a podcast... that’s right, I’m working on shit). But all in all, a great entry to the franchise, and the first SW movie for a while to actually have the balls to move the franchise in a new trajectory and build off what the OT started. If you disagree, you can go wank your Return of the Jedi Luke Saber in the corner and cry about the lack of fanservice. Your days are numbered, cannon police.

HONORABLE MENTIONS:

IT, GOTG Vol 2, and fuck it, I’m saying it: Dunkirk gave me a massive “meh.”

DID ANYTHING SUCK?

...The Election? Um... yeah, but I’m not going to the trouble of securing pictures for these. A list in short:

- Atomic Blonde

- Logan Lucky

- Kong: Skull Island

- Bright

- Max Landis in general

- Joss Whedon in general

And yeah. That’s a year at the movies. Toodles until 2018.

#journal #yearinmovies #2017

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5 Superhero Movies That Are Only Worth It For One Scene

Bad superhero films are a treasure. Not only does one make you disappointed with Hollywood for creating a bad movie, but it also makes you doubly frustrated because they’re messing up something that you know is good in comic book form. However, we shouldn’t write off a bad superhero movie immediately. Upon closer examination, these terrible films can contain little glimpses of promise — little glimpses that make you say “This might be a secret masterpiece.” Or at least, “This doesn’t suck every poop.”

5

Batman & Robin — The Criminal Property Locker

In the annals of bad superhero films, Batman & Robin stands alone. It isn’t a “Well, maybe it’s not THAT bad” film like Superman Returns or Spider-Man 3. It isn’t a “I’ll forget the plot of this before I even leave the theater” film like X-Men: The Last Stand or Daredevil. It isn’t a “That’s a damn shame” film like Superman IV: The Quest For Peace or Robocop 2. And it isn’t a “If there is a God, they wouldn’t let this happen” film like Catwoman or Spawn. Instead, it’s a film that somehow gets both more amazingly terrible and more inexplicably enjoyable with time. I hate it and I love it in equal measure, and years after I’m dead, researchers will discover my skeleton clinging to a VHS copy of it, like Quasimodo and Esmeralda at the end of Hunchback Of Notre Dame.

But the movie does have one extremely cool split second. Now, there is a well-known Easter egg in Batman & Robin: When Bane and Poison Ivy are breaking Mr. Freeze out of Arkham Asylum, you get a glimpse of the “Criminal Property Locker.” And in the locker are the costumes of the Riddler and Two-Face from Batman Forever. That’s kind of neat — though since Two-Face died by falling into a spiky underwater pit, it does imply that some poor Arkham intern had to dry-clean and sew his fucking suit back together.

Warner Bros.

Read Next

5 Things You Can't Help But Wonder When Watching Movies

But the rest of the stuff in the room implies that when the Tim Burton/Joel Schumacher Batman wasn’t eviscerating clowns or neon terrorists, he was still pretty busy. Beside the Riddler’s suit is a doll, so at some point, was Val Kilmer punching the shit out of B-list villain Toyman? Or is that the work of the Dollmaker, a guy who made dolls out of his victims’ skin? Is that dude still in Arkham? It’s unlikely, considering that Michael Keaton’s Batman was one part hero and nine parts sadist, and probably attached a bomb to Dollmaker and peed on him a little bit before even learning his name. But still, the scene adds history to a series that seemed to be mostly about Batman sitting around in his office, waiting for crime to happen.

And then, on the right side, we see a pair of boxing gloves. So good luck, guy who was using those. I’m sure your career as Two-Punch Man was really hitting its peak just before Michael Keaton ripped your intestines out through your eye holes.

But the most interesting part is the big mechanical suit that we see, and on first glance, you’d probably assume that it’s Mr. Freeze’s suit, since that’s what Poison Ivy broke into the locker to get. But Mr. Freeze’s suit looks nothing like that. So either Mr. Freeze has been fighting Batman and Robin for so long that he’s had to upgrade his technology in order to keep his chilly ass un-kicked, or it belongs to another mech-suited villain. The pyromaniac Firefly, maybe? That would be so awesome, and now I’m so pissed that I never got to see Val Kilmer stare expressionless around a bug man with a flamethrower. What were you even good for if you couldn’t give us that, the ’90s?

4

Judge Dredd — The Angel Gang

Judge Dredd came out in 1995, when we were still trying to figure out whether superhero movies were going to be a thing. Sure, Superman and Batman had been pretty successful, but was there hope for anyone else? The answer to that was “Not yet,” as proven by the lackluster Judge Dredd, which featured Sylvester Stallone. I know that we’re all currently pretty high on Stallone after Creed, but between Rocky IV and Rocky Balboa, he was having a rough time being in any movie that someone could honestly call good. At his best, he was in films like Demolition Man — or as my dad would call it, Daniel, we need to talk.

Judge Dredd has sweet set design, but other than that, it’s a lot of Stallone and Armand Assante shouting at side characters who are too useless to be given their own shouting dialogue. The only time it really perks up is when Stallone and his little buddy Rob Schneider get captured in the wastelands by the Angel Gang. The Angel Gang are cannibals, and their role in the movie almost feels like Judge Dredd DLC. But during the gang’s brief vacation in your eyeballs, Judge Dredd ceases to be a humdrum exploration into the beauty of shoulder pads, and starts feeling special.

There are plenty of movies wherein superheroes fight random gangs. There are just as many superhero movies where the hero is forced to fight a guy who could’ve been a hero, but instead went evil. But there are very few superhero films in which the hero has to tangle with the cast of The Hills Have Eyes. The Angel Gang is a bunch of wild cards. They don’t want to build a city-sinking torpedo or open up a portal to release an ancient evil whatever; they just want to snack on you a little bit. They won’t say any clever lines or reveal any master plans. At most, they’ll maybe give you a recipe for you, medium-rare.

Sadly, their stay is brief, because Stallone soon escapes and jams an electrical wire into the head of most monosyllabic among them. Of course, the mutant does get to say, “You killed my Pa,” so it’s not a total waste.

3

Blade: Trinity — The Human Farm

Throughout the Blade series, characters are constantly mentioning the fact that the vampire universe is bigger than you know. Sure, you think we live in a world of humans and puppy dogs and hit singles from Evanescence, but underneath it all, there’s a society of vampires. And when that society decides to rule the world, Blade will … take them out pretty easily, actually. For a race that’s apparently thiiiiis close to dominating the world, they sure seem to be divided into easily spin-kicked pockets.

Blade: Trinity is the worst Blade film. The best thing about Blade and Blade 2 is that they feel inventive and fresh. You’re getting things from them that you wouldn’t get from a Spider-Man or X-Men film — namely, Wesley Snipes cursing and reducing screeching henchmen to ashes. It’s why they’re two of my favorite superhero films. On the other hand, Blade: Trinity features boring-ass Dracula and his something or another quest to vaguely rule the world. After years of tackling rave mutants and goth Nosferatus, Blade’s final fight is with a bad Witcher cosplayer.

Luckily, we do get one scene that feels like it came out of the earlier films. Blade finds a human farm, where a bunch of comatose people are vacuum-sealed into big Ziploc bags and used as a constant source of vampire food. It’s super creepy, and when Blade gets told that they’re all brain-dead, he shuts the whole thing down with barely a second thought or a quietly growled “motherfucker.”

New Line Cinema

It also gives the movie (and the series) a sense of grand scale that it had been lacking. Oh, THIS is what the vampires were hyping up when they were jabbering on about their big vampire plans. Well, I apologize for not paying more attention, emo ghouls. My bad. My bad.

2

X-Men: Apocalypse — Wolverine’s Introduction

Before Logan, we only got tastes of Wolverine’s full potential as a fighter. One taste was in X2, when he has to defend Xavier’s School for Kool Kidz and Cyclops from William Stryker’s men. But the best pre-Logan scene of Wolverine grinding his way through bad guys in order to level up for the final boss was in X-Men: Apocalypse. Wolverine appears for only a few minutes in this movie, and he looks like an absolute monster.

Imagine you’re a security guard for some mutant research project. You don’t really worry about those mutants escaping, because why would you? They’re usually sedated and subdued, and if they did start waking up, there’s a whole room full of guys with heavy firearms who would blow them away. Then one day, you’re eatin’ a microwavable chicken pot pie and thinking about your novel when you hear “Weapon X is loose.” You know, the most dangerous experiment in a whole building full of dangerous experiments. Will the gun they’ve given you work against someone with adamantium claws and, if the rumors you heard are true, healing powers? Maybe.

That’s the feeling you get during the scene in which Wolverine escapes: pure, pee-your-pants, “Oh my god, I was not properly trained for this” terror. Sure, Logan has a lot of scenes where he cuts his way through dudes, but that movie frames it as action, while this turns Wolverine into a slasher villain. It doesn’t hurt that the scene ends with a splash of blood coming from offscreen, which is slasher movie code for “Daaaammmnnn.”

The rest of the movie is pretty subpar. The X-Men’s most powerful villain, Apocalypse, is handled so poorly that you just wish Magneto could be the main bad guy for the fourth time. But I guess it’s to be expected that the best part of an X-Men film would include Hugh Jackman. Oh, Hugh. Was it something I said? Please come back.

1

Batman v. Superman — The Warehouse Fight

Batman v. Superman didn’t give us a lot of what I would call “iconic” Batman moments. At one point, he does ask Superman, “Do you bleed?” and that’s pretty cool. But then Superman flies off because he has more important things to do than to lightly argue with some billionaire manchild, leaving Batman just standing there. So what does Batman do? He says, “You will,” and TOTALLY WINS THAT CONVERSATION. You sure got him, dude helplessly standing in the wreckage of his super car. I’m sure the shower argument that you had by yourself later was full of similar zingers. “DO YOU BLEED? WELL, I BET YOU DO. AND THEN I’D FUCKING PUNCH HIM LIKE THIS, AND SUPERMAN WOULD BE ALL LIKE, ‘NO, PLEASE, STOP, BATMAN. I BET YOUR PENIS DOESN’T EVEN SLIGHTLY CURVE TO THE LEFT.’ AND I’D BE ALL LIKE BAM. POW. SHUT UP.”

On a more positive note, Batman v. Superman does have one awesome scene: the warehouse fight. Now, before I get into why this part is so great, I do have to say that a lot of it has to do with the critically acclaimed Batman: Arkham games, which make every other Batman fight scene in every other medium look like a slap fight among friends. In the Arkham games, you can sneak up behind a dude, choke him out, zip up to a gargoyle, fly over and drop-kick a man’s torso off his body, zip back up to another gargoyle, tie a guy up to said gargoyle, throw a smoke pellet, hit a thug with an electric shock gun, choke out another dude, and then run up to the last dude as he fills you with bullets and hope that your body armor holds up for long enough so that Batman can someday wear the man’s skull as a shoe.

That’s the kind of thing that we got in the Batman v. Superman warehouse scene, during which Batman goes back and forth, rearranging an entire gang’s internal organs using everything in his disposal. Here are a few highlights:

– A guy comes into the room brandishing a grenade, so Batman kicks a guy he already has hanging from the ceiling into the grenade man.

– Batman Rock Bottoms a dude into the floor — a technique most assuredly taught to him by Ra’s al Ghul when Batman trained with all of those ninjas. “You must learn to conquer your fear, Bruce,” I remember Ra’s saying in Batman Begins. “CONQUER IT WITH THE PEOPLE’S ELBOW.”

– Batman uses his grappling hook gun thing to sling a box into a guy, and the guy gets hit so hard that he flies into a wall and the back of his goddamn head apparently comes off.

There are a lot of people who have a problem with Batman committing murder, but since my favorite superhero film is Batman Returns, I don’t think it’s that big of a deal. At the very least, it gave us a chance to experience an Arkham City level on the big screen, narrated entirely by Ben Affleck’s grunts.

Daniel has a Twitter. Go to it. Enjoy yourself. Kick your boots off and stay for a while.

Live long enough to see yourself become the villain with your own Batman Utility Belt!

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5 Superhero Movies That Are Only Worth It For One Scene

Bad superhero films are a treasure. Not only does one make you disappointed with Hollywood for creating a bad movie, but it also makes you doubly frustrated because they’re messing up something that you know is good in comic book form. However, we shouldn’t write off a bad superhero movie immediately. Upon closer examination, these terrible films can contain little glimpses of promise — little glimpses that make you say “This might be a secret masterpiece.” Or at least, “This doesn’t suck every poop.”

5

Batman & Robin — The Criminal Property Locker

In the annals of bad superhero films, Batman & Robin stands alone. It isn’t a “Well, maybe it’s not THAT bad” film like Superman Returns or Spider-Man 3. It isn’t a “I’ll forget the plot of this before I even leave the theater” film like X-Men: The Last Stand or Daredevil. It isn’t a “That’s a damn shame” film like Superman IV: The Quest For Peace or Robocop 2. And it isn’t a “If there is a God, they wouldn’t let this happen” film like Catwoman or Spawn. Instead, it’s a film that somehow gets both more amazingly terrible and more inexplicably enjoyable with time. I hate it and I love it in equal measure, and years after I’m dead, researchers will discover my skeleton clinging to a VHS copy of it, like Quasimodo and Esmeralda at the end of Hunchback Of Notre Dame.

But the movie does have one extremely cool split second. Now, there is a well-known Easter egg in Batman & Robin: When Bane and Poison Ivy are breaking Mr. Freeze out of Arkham Asylum, you get a glimpse of the “Criminal Property Locker.” And in the locker are the costumes of the Riddler and Two-Face from Batman Forever. That’s kind of neat — though since Two-Face died by falling into a spiky underwater pit, it does imply that some poor Arkham intern had to dry-clean and sew his fucking suit back together.

Warner Bros.

Read Next

5 Things You Can't Help But Wonder When Watching Movies

But the rest of the stuff in the room implies that when the Tim Burton/Joel Schumacher Batman wasn’t eviscerating clowns or neon terrorists, he was still pretty busy. Beside the Riddler’s suit is a doll, so at some point, was Val Kilmer punching the shit out of B-list villain Toyman? Or is that the work of the Dollmaker, a guy who made dolls out of his victims’ skin? Is that dude still in Arkham? It’s unlikely, considering that Michael Keaton’s Batman was one part hero and nine parts sadist, and probably attached a bomb to Dollmaker and peed on him a little bit before even learning his name. But still, the scene adds history to a series that seemed to be mostly about Batman sitting around in his office, waiting for crime to happen.

And then, on the right side, we see a pair of boxing gloves. So good luck, guy who was using those. I’m sure your career as Two-Punch Man was really hitting its peak just before Michael Keaton ripped your intestines out through your eye holes.

But the most interesting part is the big mechanical suit that we see, and on first glance, you’d probably assume that it’s Mr. Freeze’s suit, since that’s what Poison Ivy broke into the locker to get. But Mr. Freeze’s suit looks nothing like that. So either Mr. Freeze has been fighting Batman and Robin for so long that he’s had to upgrade his technology in order to keep his chilly ass un-kicked, or it belongs to another mech-suited villain. The pyromaniac Firefly, maybe? That would be so awesome, and now I’m so pissed that I never got to see Val Kilmer stare expressionless around a bug man with a flamethrower. What were you even good for if you couldn’t give us that, the ’90s?

4

Judge Dredd — The Angel Gang

Judge Dredd came out in 1995, when we were still trying to figure out whether superhero movies were going to be a thing. Sure, Superman and Batman had been pretty successful, but was there hope for anyone else? The answer to that was “Not yet,” as proven by the lackluster Judge Dredd, which featured Sylvester Stallone. I know that we’re all currently pretty high on Stallone after Creed, but between Rocky IV and Rocky Balboa, he was having a rough time being in any movie that someone could honestly call good. At his best, he was in films like Demolition Man — or as my dad would call it, Daniel, we need to talk.

Judge Dredd has sweet set design, but other than that, it’s a lot of Stallone and Armand Assante shouting at side characters who are too useless to be given their own shouting dialogue. The only time it really perks up is when Stallone and his little buddy Rob Schneider get captured in the wastelands by the Angel Gang. The Angel Gang are cannibals, and their role in the movie almost feels like Judge Dredd DLC. But during the gang’s brief vacation in your eyeballs, Judge Dredd ceases to be a humdrum exploration into the beauty of shoulder pads, and starts feeling special.

There are plenty of movies wherein superheroes fight random gangs. There are just as many superhero movies where the hero is forced to fight a guy who could’ve been a hero, but instead went evil. But there are very few superhero films in which the hero has to tangle with the cast of The Hills Have Eyes. The Angel Gang is a bunch of wild cards. They don’t want to build a city-sinking torpedo or open up a portal to release an ancient evil whatever; they just want to snack on you a little bit. They won’t say any clever lines or reveal any master plans. At most, they’ll maybe give you a recipe for you, medium-rare.

Sadly, their stay is brief, because Stallone soon escapes and jams an electrical wire into the head of most monosyllabic among them. Of course, the mutant does get to say, “You killed my Pa,” so it’s not a total waste.

3

Blade: Trinity — The Human Farm

Throughout the Blade series, characters are constantly mentioning the fact that the vampire universe is bigger than you know. Sure, you think we live in a world of humans and puppy dogs and hit singles from Evanescence, but underneath it all, there’s a society of vampires. And when that society decides to rule the world, Blade will … take them out pretty easily, actually. For a race that’s apparently thiiiiis close to dominating the world, they sure seem to be divided into easily spin-kicked pockets.

Blade: Trinity is the worst Blade film. The best thing about Blade and Blade 2 is that they feel inventive and fresh. You’re getting things from them that you wouldn’t get from a Spider-Man or X-Men film — namely, Wesley Snipes cursing and reducing screeching henchmen to ashes. It’s why they’re two of my favorite superhero films. On the other hand, Blade: Trinity features boring-ass Dracula and his something or another quest to vaguely rule the world. After years of tackling rave mutants and goth Nosferatus, Blade’s final fight is with a bad Witcher cosplayer.

Luckily, we do get one scene that feels like it came out of the earlier films. Blade finds a human farm, where a bunch of comatose people are vacuum-sealed into big Ziploc bags and used as a constant source of vampire food. It’s super creepy, and when Blade gets told that they’re all brain-dead, he shuts the whole thing down with barely a second thought or a quietly growled “motherfucker.”

New Line Cinema

It also gives the movie (and the series) a sense of grand scale that it had been lacking. Oh, THIS is what the vampires were hyping up when they were jabbering on about their big vampire plans. Well, I apologize for not paying more attention, emo ghouls. My bad. My bad.

2

X-Men: Apocalypse — Wolverine’s Introduction

Before Logan, we only got tastes of Wolverine’s full potential as a fighter. One taste was in X2, when he has to defend Xavier’s School for Kool Kidz and Cyclops from William Stryker’s men. But the best pre-Logan scene of Wolverine grinding his way through bad guys in order to level up for the final boss was in X-Men: Apocalypse. Wolverine appears for only a few minutes in this movie, and he looks like an absolute monster.

Imagine you’re a security guard for some mutant research project. You don’t really worry about those mutants escaping, because why would you? They’re usually sedated and subdued, and if they did start waking up, there’s a whole room full of guys with heavy firearms who would blow them away. Then one day, you’re eatin’ a microwavable chicken pot pie and thinking about your novel when you hear “Weapon X is loose.” You know, the most dangerous experiment in a whole building full of dangerous experiments. Will the gun they’ve given you work against someone with adamantium claws and, if the rumors you heard are true, healing powers? Maybe.

That’s the feeling you get during the scene in which Wolverine escapes: pure, pee-your-pants, “Oh my god, I was not properly trained for this” terror. Sure, Logan has a lot of scenes where he cuts his way through dudes, but that movie frames it as action, while this turns Wolverine into a slasher villain. It doesn’t hurt that the scene ends with a splash of blood coming from offscreen, which is slasher movie code for “Daaaammmnnn.”

The rest of the movie is pretty subpar. The X-Men’s most powerful villain, Apocalypse, is handled so poorly that you just wish Magneto could be the main bad guy for the fourth time. But I guess it’s to be expected that the best part of an X-Men film would include Hugh Jackman. Oh, Hugh. Was it something I said? Please come back.

1

Batman v. Superman — The Warehouse Fight

Batman v. Superman didn’t give us a lot of what I would call “iconic” Batman moments. At one point, he does ask Superman, “Do you bleed?” and that’s pretty cool. But then Superman flies off because he has more important things to do than to lightly argue with some billionaire manchild, leaving Batman just standing there. So what does Batman do? He says, “You will,” and TOTALLY WINS THAT CONVERSATION. You sure got him, dude helplessly standing in the wreckage of his super car. I’m sure the shower argument that you had by yourself later was full of similar zingers. “DO YOU BLEED? WELL, I BET YOU DO. AND THEN I’D FUCKING PUNCH HIM LIKE THIS, AND SUPERMAN WOULD BE ALL LIKE, ‘NO, PLEASE, STOP, BATMAN. I BET YOUR PENIS DOESN’T EVEN SLIGHTLY CURVE TO THE LEFT.’ AND I’D BE ALL LIKE BAM. POW. SHUT UP.”

On a more positive note, Batman v. Superman does have one awesome scene: the warehouse fight. Now, before I get into why this part is so great, I do have to say that a lot of it has to do with the critically acclaimed Batman: Arkham games, which make every other Batman fight scene in every other medium look like a slap fight among friends. In the Arkham games, you can sneak up behind a dude, choke him out, zip up to a gargoyle, fly over and drop-kick a man’s torso off his body, zip back up to another gargoyle, tie a guy up to said gargoyle, throw a smoke pellet, hit a thug with an electric shock gun, choke out another dude, and then run up to the last dude as he fills you with bullets and hope that your body armor holds up for long enough so that Batman can someday wear the man’s skull as a shoe.

That’s the kind of thing that we got in the Batman v. Superman warehouse scene, during which Batman goes back and forth, rearranging an entire gang’s internal organs using everything in his disposal. Here are a few highlights:

– A guy comes into the room brandishing a grenade, so Batman kicks a guy he already has hanging from the ceiling into the grenade man.

– Batman Rock Bottoms a dude into the floor — a technique most assuredly taught to him by Ra’s al Ghul when Batman trained with all of those ninjas. “You must learn to conquer your fear, Bruce,” I remember Ra’s saying in Batman Begins. “CONQUER IT WITH THE PEOPLE’S ELBOW.”

– Batman uses his grappling hook gun thing to sling a box into a guy, and the guy gets hit so hard that he flies into a wall and the back of his goddamn head apparently comes off.

There are a lot of people who have a problem with Batman committing murder, but since my favorite superhero film is Batman Returns, I don’t think it’s that big of a deal. At the very least, it gave us a chance to experience an Arkham City level on the big screen, narrated entirely by Ben Affleck’s grunts.

Daniel has a Twitter. Go to it. Enjoy yourself. Kick your boots off and stay for a while.

Live long enough to see yourself become the villain with your own Batman Utility Belt!

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