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airiustide · 4 years

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forever young. forever you.

Chapter 5: Hesitancy

Summary: The gaang is all together now but sadly Iroh has not made it yet. Zuko uses this opportunity to make up for lost times but things do not go as planned when Sokka makes a taboo suggestion and the others agree, including Aang.

Katara's upset about Zuko claiming he had nothing to lose, but for how long when he always manages to tug at her heartstrings?

A/N: Sorry for the slow update but just to reassure everyone, this will get completed, with only two more chapters to go. It makes me happy to know that you all have loyally been following this story. I will not disappoint you. It's taken some time but here is chapter 5! I'll warn you, the feels only get deeper in this chapter, so prepare your hearts.

also posted on: AO3

***

" I tend to lose my sense of time and come the morning. Stayed aside. I know it's much too soon to tell you that I need you by my side. But who are we to call each other selfish lovers? We all need someone." - Hold by Dabin and Daniela Andrade.

***

Zuko stares incredulously at the burnt fish thrown in front of him on a silver plate. His brow bunches, looking at an angry Katara wiping her hands clean on the front of her robe and taking off to retrieve her meal which was perfectly cooked and neatly arranged for a nice dinner.

He looks at her, then back at his obliterated dinner, then back at her. She didn’t bother making rice for two so he was left with a fish that looked as though it were suffering severely, even in the afterlife. And Katara happens to be that mad, so Zuko doesn’t doubt she’s capable of making that happen.

“Is there, uh, tea?”

‘Yes, there’s tea bags in the kitchen cabinet and a nice kettle, feel free to make as much as you’d like.”

“Oh.” He’s in the doghouse. He’s definitely in the doghouse. “Would you like some?”

“Nope. I’m good.” Katara lifts the cup of tea she personally made for herself to her lips and takes a long sip. She had been short since the raid ended. Piandao had offered his residence to the couple to rest on their two week journey to Caldera. Just in case, Zuko had sent out letters via messenger hawk to all the gaang telling them of his and Katara’s whereabouts.

Katara argued that it was best to wait in person to tell them but time was not on his side. He went straight to the point and thought it a best to explain once they met. It would hasten things, though Zuko felt awful for telling his friends he was dying through a letter.

The worst part was sending one to his uncle. He was not straight to the point with this one. No. Zuko apologized in every way he could think of in the letter before diving deeper into the tragedy that befell him and if he was to pass from this world before he made it home, he wanted his uncle to know how deeply sorry he was and that he loved him more than someone who supported him, he loved him as a father.

Katara told him it was very genuine but afterwards left to pack and he could hear her burst out in a fit of sobs from the other room. She only spoke when necessary but deep down this was killing her and Zuko began to falter at the idea of being together. Despite this, his qualms did not outweigh his selfishness. Many things have changed about him, but not his possessiveness, not when he finally had Katara by his side.

“You’re mad.”

“I’m not mad.”

“You are mad.”

“Why would I be mad? It’s not like I have anything to lose.”

And that strikes him through the heart like an arrow. He pokes and prods at his dinner, charred and unappetizing. It didn’t matter because Katara made it, even though it was cooked to a crisp on purpose, she took her time to provide him a meal. So reluctantly, Zuko picks through as much of the fish as he could, downing a cup of water to get through what tasted like gummy tar. He pinches his nose to deflect the smell but that doesn’t stop it from gagging his refluxes.

Katara examines him from across the table, humming in feign satisfaction as she ate. “Don’t forget the eyes.” Katara mentions, “They're good for your health.”

I fear for my health , Zuko thought, staring at the blackened pebbles that used to be eyes. But he eats that too and the rest until there’s nothing but bone, head and tail left. All he has to do at this point is keep it down.

He ate it. He actually ate it. She thinks behind her disbelief.

Katara stays quiet through the rest of dinner, coming around the table to take Zuko’s plate to clean. He offers to help and she doesn’t reply. This is a sign that she wants to be left alone.

***

The bitter loneliness blanketed his heart. Katara lied next to him in bed, softly sleeping and yet he still felt alone. He tried to apologize, wanting to assure her that he was not referring to her when he said he had nothing to lose. In fact, he didn’t mean it because he had everything to lose. For him, it’s...easier to distance himself. Distance was the place to retreat when he didn’t have the guts to face reality.

Katara deserved better, much better. That’s why this uncertainty swelling like a ball in his chest ached.

She did not accept his apology nor did she discuss it further. Albeit, she stays by his side, providing him with whatever she thought he needed even when he doesn’t ask for it. She remains close, walking with him in silence and sleeping next to him.

She felt so good, so close yet far away. Katara was more than dear to him; she was his light. She possesses more fire in her spirit than the most powerful of firebenders. A depiction of everything he wishes he could be, if only a fraction.

Zuko really needs to reevaluate, determine just what it is he should do from now on. There’s so little time, so little time to figure it all out. His life’s mission is over. Ukano is dead and the only reason Zuko wasn’t turned in and jailed is because of Piandao’s and Jee’s sympathy.

They’ll find the former governor in his secret bunker, the very one Zuko tipped off to the lotus. They’ll see the ghastly wounds from his dao swords, pierced through Ukano’s chest and stomach and Piandao will come up with a lie to protect the former Fire Lord.

Zuko thinks of Mai in that moment; wonders if she is aware of her father’s misdeeds, and if not, how it will affect her. He gave Ukano a chance to turn himself in, to get another chance at reuniting with his family once again, but the man’s pride outweighed the desire to do right by his wife and children.

That’s why Zuko killed him. Ukano was beyond saving.

Seeing the light leave his eyes was a reminder that soon the light will fade from Zuko as well. That’s why he broke down in front of Katara. He’s rejected all the fear and desperation buried inside him for so long, it was bound to resurface. Pretending that death didn’t consume every aspect of his thoughts were easier than accepting that it ate at him every single second of every single day.

Then she showed up in the dark; his light.

Zuko’s gaze lingered down at Katara, who had now scooted closer to his side; one leg thrown over his and her hand rested on his chest at the very center where his scar lied. He smiles when she unknowingly caresses it, muttering his name. He can see her eyelids flutter while closed and her features twist. He kisses her cheek, Katara exhaling a soft sigh and her face relaxes into a serene state, a small smile appearing on her lips.

“I cant promise you the world.” He whispers against her cheek. “But I can give you mine, all of mine, and I hope that- I only hope, that that is enough.”

***

Day broke. Katara wipes the sleep from her eyes and turns on her side and bolts upright when she realizes the space on the bed next to her is empty. “Zuko?” He’s not there. Since knowing Zuko’s condition, Katara could only jump to the worst of conclusions. “Zuko?” She calls again.

No answer.

She throws the blanket from her lap. Hopping out of the bed barefoot she grabs a robe that had been thrown over the nightstand and jogs out the bedroom door. Katara forgets she’s stayed in Piandao’s estate the last two days. It may have been less if not for Zuko getting exhausted on their way here on the airship; unable to concentrate while maneuvering the machine. She has no clue where she is going but she has to get to Zuko as soon as possible, just to know he’s fine.

I swear to La if anything happens to him, I’m going to kill him!

She makes a strangled sound between a sob and a laugh, rushing through the halls to the kitchen, the living area, the study, the meatery, the weapons room. She swallows down the ball lodged in her throat, becoming frantic by the minute. Her surroundings whirling into a blur.

She’ll forget being mad, she made a deal with the universe, just give her a sign.

Her feet come to a screeching halt when she spots a torn parchment on the ground wondering to the estate’s garden that expands to a view of the stretched out river behind it. There’s something written in it, Katara approaching to investigate, otherwise she might have overlooked it.

Before I leave this world ... It says.

That’s it. Katara flips the parchment over and there’s nothing. She looks around and about ten feet away from where she finds the first one, there’s another. Katara quickly picks it up.

I wish to spar swords with Sokka

A smile broke on her face. Sokka certainly wasn’t the most skilled of swordsmen- okay, he wasn’t skilled- but he would appreciate the challenge. With a little more bounce in her step, she finds another lying in the grass and picks it up as well.

I wish to give Toph the life-changing field trip she’s always wanted

She chokes a laugh.

I wish to learn Kyoshi techniques from Suki

Katara is reminded how Zuko raved about the Kyoshi warriors after they were assigned to guard him upon taking the throne.

I want Uncle to know that he didn’t fail me. That he isn’t just a relative but everything I’ve wanted in a father. I only hope that I have made him proud

This one made her tear up. Every note brought out every piece of Zuko. A part of her is selfishly happy that she’s the first to know these many things about him. Her heart flutters with excitement, collecting the notes in her arms.

Katara slows when the next one she picks up she spots Aang’s name on it. There’s this momentary dread. Aang and her falling out isn’t because of mutual understanding. Katara soon learned the difference between what she held for Aang and what love actually meant to her and before she knew it, years went by. Moving to Republic City in hopes that they could mend only proved how different they were.

She sighs, closing and opening her eyes, and reads on.

I wish for Aang to forgive me for what I will reveal next

Oh. Katara twisted her fingers at the side of her robe. Her cheeks flush and her heart hammers in her chest as she treks closer to what she now realizes is the final note.

I wish to take Katara to that field of chrysanthemums, where the sun will set beyond the edge of the world and the moon is visible in the sky before night falls, so that in that perfect moment when I look in her eyes, I can finally tell her ‘I love you’

The notes fell from her arms, the only one she holds in the palm of her hands is the one about her.

“This-” She begins.

Zuko’s standing where the cliff overlooks the river, leaning against a boulder for support. “I love you.” He confesses, a bouquet of fire lilies in his right hand. He sounds weak and is flustered but the broad smile on his face made him look more alive than he had in years.

He takes a step and Katara sobs, running into his arms. It wasn’t the sunset, the moon wasn’t in the sky and they weren’t surrounded by a field of chrysanthemums. It doesn’t matter, because this very moment when Katara says ‘I love you too’ is better than any fantasy Zuko could conjure.

“I love you.” He says aloud again, his voice in a low husk and the warmth between them flares.

Her heart jump starts in her chest. A callous hand cusped the back of her head and Katara mewled softly, allowing Zuko to pull her halfway. All train of thought swept away.

***

Katara can’t stop kissing him; his lips, his cheeks, his neck, his forehead. A laugh bubbles in her chest as Zuko’s gasps and moans at her intense affection. She can tell he likes it, his hands gripping at her sides while she straddles his lap on the bed. Zuko thinks he should bring her fire lilies and tell her he loves her everyday from now on.

“Katara.” He tries to pause to no avail, having been in bed from morning until noon making out. “We should- mmm- probably have lunch.”

“In a minute.” She chuckles, grinning wolfishly when she bites his bottom lip and tugs gently.

“Oh, okay. In a minute then.” He concedes. Agni, he goes weak for her, bunching his fingers into the back of her robe. Zuko leans up, meeting Kaara in a hard kiss and rolls his tongue into her mouth and he loves the ways she mewls.

Suddenly Zuko spasms and his body is thrown back onto the bed. His eyes roll to the back of his head.

“Zuko!” She cries, reacting quickly and calling water from a nearby pitcher to her hand. She rips open his tunic, bending the water to his chest and manages to calm the seizure. He’s had at least two since coming here, so it came as no surprise this time. “Oh, Spirits, are you okay?”

It takes a bit before he’s coherent, his fluttering eyes finally opening to see a worried Katara. He hated seeing her like this, and so decides to ease the tension of him losing himself right when they were in the middle of kissing. “Sorry, I got a little too excited.”

His weak laugh is interrupted with an ‘oof’ as a pillow collides with his face.

She’s mad, the waterbender climbing off his lap and back turned. It wasn’t the least bit funny. Though, she will admit she liked hearing his laugh again but she was shaken, still distraught that in that moment he could have been lost to her forever.

“Katara.” He whispers, the stir of regret mixing in with his sincerity and she hates herself for forgiving him so easily. Spirits, she just wanted to kiss him.

“What?” She snaps, keeping up with her false anger, huffing.

“I’m sorry. I tried to make light of a situation and- that was uncalled for. I didn’t mean to upset you.”

Katara’s shoulders stiffen and her breath stills at the warmth on her back. Large hands slide around her torso, settling gently on her stomach. His mouth settles nicely at the pulse of her neck and the waterbender closes her eyes as he breathes her in. Gooseflesh rose where his lips rested, leaving an imprint that would forever stay in Katara’s mind.

Damn it all to hell, she can’t stay mad at him. At least give me that , Katara thought, but there was no winning.

“Never again.” She frowns, finally giving him her attention. The tears stung her eyes, a stray one trickling down her cheek and Zuko sweetly sweeps it away with the pad of his thumb.

“Never again.” He promises.

***

Zuko can’t believe it. They’re all the same people he knew but they weren’t. Aang, Sokka, Toph, Suki...all of them were here before him, staring at him as though he was some sort of creature crawling out from the sea. He grips the hand of his lover and the cane she had crafted for him. Zuko’s choked, unsure of what to say now that everyone he loves is finally in front of him.

Zuko notes that Sokka closes his eyes in disbelief. They can see it all; his pale skin, his thin figure, his sunken cheeks, all of him. Zuko wants to cry because this was not how he wanted to reunite with his friends. Even with that in mind he can’t get over how intensely Aang is staring at him and his hand linked with Katara’s. How can he ever explain this to him.

“How long?” Aang asks, finally looking Zuko in the eye.

Zuko swallows. “Um- I…” Where should he begin? Just because he’s dying doesn’t mean that Aang will forgive him for being with Katara.

Aang walks up to him and stops only several feet. Their heights are the same, a reminder that the Avatar isn’t the scrawny little twelve year old he once hunted.

“Aang...I can’t begin to explain- Huh?” Aang pulls Zuko into a harsh hug. The Avatar’s body is shaking uncontrollably and Zuko’s hesitant on what to do next.

“Don’t- Don’t. You. Ever ...make us worry like that again .” Aang is crying, clinging to his best friend. Zuko buries his face in Aang’s shoulder as the rest of the gaang joins them one by one. He was not expecting this, to be enveloped in the love and support of his once newfound family. He should have done this sooner, he should have given himself and them that at least.

***

“You’ve known since the beginning.” Aang concludes, shadows darkening his features. Zuko had explained everything in Piandao’s living area. Aang sat crossed legged on the floor, Sokka and Suki held hands tightly next to each other on the lounge chair and Toph was leaning with her back against the wall. “How could I have not caught on? I should have guessed what you were going through- damn it, it didn’t feel right!”

Everyone’s brow shot up, having heard for the first time Aang swear.

“It would not have changed anything.” Zuko sighs. “I was stubborn. Getting away was the only solution I could come up with. And besides, Uncle and Koji were my drive behind me leaving in the first place.”

“But maybe I could have convinced you otherwise. Maybe we could have come up with a solution together.”

“Maybe.” Zuko dismisses. They can’t focus on the what-ifs of the past. They were all here now with the exception of Iroh, a family again. In fact, Zuko is becoming more frantic on how soon his uncle will make it here, having sent Iroh his letter first.

“Look, maybe there’s a cure or something. There has to be a solution?” Sokka suggests.

“I told you, Yugoda says there’s nothing more she can do.”

“That she can do. She’s not the only famous healer, Katara what about you?”

“Don’t you think I’ve tried, Sokka?” She snaps at her brother. “Sorry. It’s just been sinking in much longer for me. It’s been hard for me.”

“Because you love him.” Suki chimed in.

Katara stiffens as though she’s on the spot and unintentionally glances at Aang who’s hanging his head but nods. “Yes. Because I love him. Besides, I’m not as skilled as Yugoda and if she doesn’t have the power or techniques to save him, what makes you think I can?”

“Well,” Sokka looks around at his friends, “because you can bloodbend.” Everyone jumps out of their seats in horror save Toph.

“Are you mad?!” Aang shouts.

“Sokka, think before you blurt out something insensitive.” Suki reprimands.

“Why not? Katara’s the best waterbending master in the world and if anyone’s capable of saving Zuko, it’s her. Look, I’m not a fan either but bloodbending has proven to be a powerful bending form and who’s to say it doesn’t have healing benefits?”

“Katara never stuck around to find out and it’s probably for the best.” Aang argued.

“Snoozles is right.” Toph retorted, finally speaking up since listening to Zuko’s story. “It could save Zuko’s life. Just because Hama used it for evil purposes doesn’t mean the form itself should be used for evil purposes.”

Wow , Katara thought when Toph spoke, no nickname. That’s when you knew the earthbender was serious.

“Thank you!”

“There’s one problem.” Katara sighs. “I don’t think I can do it. The only two times I have, was purely out of anger. I don’t know if I have the ability to heal with bloodbending as the source.”

“Well, Sokka may be onto something.” Suki settles back in her seat. “You have great concentration, Katara. You can tap into things no one else can, it’s worth a shot at saving Zuko, you have to believe that. If it were Sokka, I know I’d do everything I can even if it happens to be taboo.” The Kyoshi warrior encloses a hand over her husband’s.

“I-” Aang starts, scratching the back of his head. “I mean, if it were to save him, I don’t know how I could ever argue with that.”

“See, sugarqueen. Everyone else agrees.”

Katara ponders over this. She could try, it's the least she can do. “There’s a full moon two weeks from now but, I’m afraid there’s the off chance of this hindering Zuko’s health, so it might call for several sessions. But if Zuko trusts me- ”

Zuko taps his cane hard on the floor. “No.”

“No?” Katara questions. “You don’t trust me?”

“No. It’s not that I don’t trust you. I don’t want to spend my remaining days alive like that. I want you by my side but not as my healer. I will not pass on with the memory of you taking care of me like a sick patient and I certainly don’t want you blaming yourself if anything were to go wrong.”

“But this could be your chance. Listen to Katara. Even I agree with this.” Aang tries to reason with him.

“I appreciate it, I do. Having you all here means the world to me but I called you here for your company, not a solution. There is no solution and if bloodbending happens to be that, I refuse to put Katara through it.”

***

They dropped the conversation for Zuko. Instead they all enjoyed a quiet meal Zuko himself had made for them out in the garden. Katara is anxious the whole time because she’s been kicked out of the kitchen and told to relax with the others. Everyone compliments the meal and Zuko is proud to admit that his time living alone forced him to work on his cooking skills.

During a quiet night of conversation and warm saki, the gaang updates Zuko on how they are currently doing. Sokka and Suki of course got married and have two beautiful twin girls, now being watched by Gran Gran during their time here. Aang raves on about Republic City and describes how it was everything he and Zuko had envisioned and Zuko wishes he could have been there to see it. And Toph proudly announces her metalbending school.

There’s so much to catch up on and so little time. Zuko’s overwhelmed by how much he’s missed out, excusing himself and leaving to wash the dishes. Katara follows him to the kitchen.

“Talk to me, Zuko.”

“We have been talking. We’ve talked all night.”

“Not about the others, about me healing you.”

“Kat, I told you. I’m done discussing it.”

“I’m not. You’re not giving this a chance, I really believe this is it. If it were the other way around, wouldn’t you do the same for me?”

His face falls into his hands, trying hard not to get worked up. This is Katara; his love, his life and she’s only being thoughtful. Zuko had to find a way to convey to her how this is making him feel. “Katara, you mean well, I get it. I understand where you’re coming from but this is what I want. I’m a dying man with no future. This,” he gently takes her hand, “is worth more to me than spending a possibility of a million days bedridden. I want to die seeing your loving eyes, not sadness on your face. I want to go in peace. I’m not asking you to accept it, I’m asking you to honor it.”

She couldn’t fight that. It pains her but she couldn’t deflect his wishes. The stubborn side of her wants to persuade him but the empathetic side of her gets where he’s coming from.

“I want to marry you, Katara.”

Blue eyes widen. “Zuko…”

“Marry me.” He whispers, leaning his forehead to hers, reflecting the smile stretching on her quivering lips. A warm finger touches her lips and Katara closes her eyes. “Marry me tomorrow.”

“Yes.”

“Yes?”

“Yes!”

Zuko pulls her into his embrace, laughing joyously, dropping his cane so that he could lift her by the waist and swing her around. Katara yelps, wrapping her arms around his neck, the world around them moves in slow motion. The light in Zuko’s eyes fade to dark and a confused Katara collapses on top of him as he falls.

“Zuko?” This isn’t a seizure, he knows it isn't. “Zuko!”

It’s too late.

“Sokka! Aang! Somebody!”

I’m sorry.

“No. No. No. No…”

Her voice fades and Zuko’s heart beats weak to a stop.

#zutara #zutara fanfiction #zuko x katara #zuko #katara #alta #zutara week 2020 #day 5 #hesitency

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