#theres a line in tbosas: i couldnt have killed them all for nothing

[whsprings]

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#cw// ed #thinking abt. how i finally inched my way to the weight i have been wanting all this time #and its just in time for thanksgiving the infamous gorge yourself holiday #just in time for having to pretend like i eat three meals a day every day and dont mind having snacks at all whatsoever #just in time for my mom to look me over and ask if im doing okay with my 'therapy things' #like when did the cost of being okay with myself become my happiness and well-being?? #when did living in a body i can tolerate become being afraid of any meals that arent on my list of 0.2 foods i can deal with?? #when did a marginally smaller body become more important to me than living a full life?? #i saw the number on the scale and all i felt was this sense of doing something right. not joy not satisfaction not pleasure. #just 'okay. now do it again.' #theres a line in tbosas: i couldnt have killed them all for nothing #its the sunk cost fallacy. i couldnt have wasted all this time+money+effort just to end up my not as small(?) larger(?) self again #god i am so sad. and so angry.