#there were actually three more sentences originally but they were very mean against Sirius aksfjdh

[vaindumbass]

((written for @theactual-devil, come get y’all juice. Based on a textpost by the talented @casualmaraudering, with a link in the reblogs bc tumblr is linkphobic))

(warnings: swearing)

“So”,  Regulus says, taking a sip of their drink. “Are you and your shithead boyfriend over yet?”

Sirius’ eyes are filled with a strange emotion. “Actually, we are.” 

Years of etiquette lessons are the only thing stopping Regulus from spitting out their drink. “But-- you said you liked this one!” 

“I said he didn’t treat me like absolute shit. There’s a difference.” 

Regulus shrugs, apologetically, “It’s hard to tell with you. Why did you break up?”

Sirius rubs a hand over his face. “I was ‘too much’ apparently.” 

Regulus hums. “He couldn’t take your panic attacks, you mean.” 

“Oh, yeah, and he was jealous of James. James! Sure, we cuddle, but who could ever be attracted to him?” 

Sometimes, they regret entering a relationship with James, if only because Sirius could tease them about it. Luckily, they’ve got some teasing material of their own. “Who could ever be attracted to any of your friends?”

Of course, that’s when James enters the room. “What are you guys talking about?” 

He sits down next to Regulus, casually slinging an arm around them. They snuggle into it. “Just about Sirius’ ginormous crush on Remus. To be fair, he is in the perfect position to make a move now.” 

James brow furrows. “How so?”

Regulus looks incredulously at Sirius, surprised he didn’t tell him. Sirius shrugs. “Kevin broke up with Sirius.” 

“What? Why?” 

Regulus laughs. “Because he’s an asshole, obviously.”

There’s a loud clank when Sirius sets his glass down. “I’m going to get something to eat.” 

James’s gaze follows him as he walks out of the door. “I swear, I want to slash that dick’s tires.” 

“Well”, Regulus takes another sip of their drink. “that can be arranged.” 

Like a deer in the highlights, James turns to them. “What?” 

Regulus stood up from the couch and kissed a still-baffled James on the cheek. “It’s a date.” 

~~~

“Aren’t we, like, excluding Lily?” James asked, wearing black from head to toe, with, for some reason, a crowbar.

“She didn’t really feel like it, and anyway, she went along last time.” Regulus answered, still in their casual clothes, waving to their neighbour on the other side of the street.

“Last time? Do I even want to know how often you do this?”

Regulus pretended to think about it. “Probably not.” 

James still looked lost when they had already arrived at the car. “So... How do we even do this?” 

Regulus smirked at him. “Well, first, you can put that down,” They gently took the crowbar out of his hands, “Honestly, what were you even thinking?”

James shrugged.

“A drill bit is way better, it’s relatively easy and it will make sure the band only deflates when cunt Kevin is driving.” 

James looked up at the sky, and sighed. “I really don’t want to know, do I?” 

Regulus laughed, “Nope. That being said, we should leave one intact. Insurance companies only cover it when all four are damaged.” 

James just shook his head, and got to work.

~~~

“I got a call yesterday,” Sirius says.

“How very interesting.” Regulus snarks.

“From Kevin.” Sirius continues, maintaining eye contact with Regulus.

Regulus lays a hand on James’ knee to stop him from saying anything. On their other side, Lily says: “What a dick. What about?” 

Regulus thanks the gods that at least someone knows how to play it cool.

Sirius still hasn’t broken eye contact with Regulus. “Three of his tires were made useless. On an... unrelated topic, where were you last night?”

Lily smiles at him. “How kind of you to ask! We were having a date night and-”

“I actually don’t want to know anymore, thank you.” 

Regulus kissed Lily, because it seemed to irritate Sirius. (That was the only reason. Really. They kissed James for the same reason, no matter that Sirius had already left.) 

#there is a surprising amount of judgement-free sources on how to slash tires #jegulily #regulus black #james potter #I swear Charlie you cant just ask me to write things next thing you know ill do it #we cant have that #lily evans #wolfstar #the black brothers #or like... siblings but yall know what i mean #ficlet #my writing #sirius black #I hope you guys like this! <3 even tho its not what you came here for #there were actually three more sentences originally but they were very mean against Sirius aksfjdh #it would end with them laughing at the idea of Sirius getting a decent boyfriend #so #yea #mywriting